Jokes that are good but you can't be bothered to develop a thread for

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super sweet best pal

ghost emoji posted:

a Marie Kondo superfan whose house is packed to the brim with Marie Kondo memorabilia, books, etc

heh

# ? Feb 25, 2019 03:48

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# ? May 24, 2024 16:57

super sweet best pal

Picard and Madred are playing with Hanafuda cards. Madred insists his hand is a goko but Picard says it's only a shiko.

# ? Feb 26, 2019 05:31

Queen-Of-Hearts: "I want to break your heart💔 and give you mine🫀"

My friend texted me today with: "What do you call a redditor who hunts for any reason to start a fight?"
Fedora the Explorer
I laughed.
Don't judge me.

:h: sig by Prof. Crocodile :h:
:byodame: BYOB spells: Mutually Assured Kindness

# ? Feb 26, 2019 23:17

super sweet best pal

Jean jorts, AKA jean² shorts

# ? Feb 27, 2019 00:35

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

Please, my dad was Mr. Jorts, call me Gene.

# ? Feb 27, 2019 02:10

lol but: body is a dinosaur

look i take it from prior art that we are being extremely chill wrt to the definition of "jokes that are good" so:

a mixed martial artist walks into a bar and orders a guinness

"shamrock?" asks the barman

"no," he replies. "i am tito ortiz"

# ? Feb 27, 2019 03:54

glowing-fish: Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

The bite was so bad it looked like it was inflicted by a lemur who had drunk an entire keg of wine.

It was a Mad-as-cask-scar

That joke is so belabored, and there is no payoff for it.

# ? Feb 27, 2019 05:31

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

After a horrible elevator accident halfway through the workday leaves me in two pieces, my top half quickly tries to fine-tune a final quip about working a "half-day" today.

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Feb 28, 2019 21:43

xcheopis

Jolo posted:

After a horrible elevator accident halfway through the workday leaves me in two pieces, my top half quickly tries to fine-tune a final quip about working a "half-day" today.

While your bottom half makes a run for it?

# ? Mar 1, 2019 05:47

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

when my computer goes to sleep does it dream of giving a powerpoint presentation but it left its firmware at home?

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Mar 1, 2019 08:19

Abugadu: 1st Sgt. Matthews and the men have Procured for me a cummerbund from a traveling gypsy, who screeched Victory shall come at a Terrible price. i am Honored.

xcheopis posted:

While your bottom half makes a run for it?

I feel like there�s a lot of one-liners for observing this situation

# ? Mar 1, 2019 09:49

Manifisto

Jolo posted:

After a horrible elevator accident halfway through the workday leaves me in two pieces, my top half quickly tries to fine-tune a final quip about working a "half-day" today.

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Mar 1, 2019 14:27

Barking Gecko: Mahoro says, "Naughty things are bad."

Jolo posted:

After a horrible elevator accident halfway through the workday leaves me in two pieces, my top half quickly tries to fine-tune a final quip about working a "half-day" today.

You no longer have to decide whether it would be faster to wait for the elevator or take the stairs, because now you can do both.

# ? Mar 1, 2019 19:25

Manifisto

a moment of hesitation before pulling your arm back inside the train because you just realized a quip about a "disarming smile" would be the perfect icebreaker for that cutie across the aisle

# ? Mar 1, 2019 19:35

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

Top half's favorite Lord of the Rings character is Armagorn, bottom half prefers Legolas.

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Mar 1, 2019 19:45

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

"poo poo," I yell. "My phone was in those pants. poo poo."

# ? Mar 1, 2019 20:22

Dick Bastardly: Muttley is SKYNET!!!

"Phone," I yell. "My poo poo was in those phones. Pants."

Awesome winter sig by Symbolic, love it!

Lovely sig by the masterful Matoi Ryuko, thanks!

# ? Mar 2, 2019 19:24

xcheopis

Jolo posted:

Top half's favorite Lord of the Rings character is Armagorn, bottom half prefers Legolas.

Armagorna take issue with you misspelling Aragorn's name.

# ? Mar 2, 2019 19:29

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

xcheopis posted:

Armagorna take issue with you misspelling Aragorn's name.

# ? Mar 2, 2019 19:30

Farecoal: There he go

i love the new Sonic character, Fluffie the Duckie

# ? Mar 5, 2019 15:06

The X-man cometh

Farecoal posted:

i love the new Sonic character, Fluffie the Duckie

# ? Mar 5, 2019 15:07

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

the 3 f's in Fluffie stand for "fluffy feathered friend" :3:

unless you cross her, then they stand for "fierce feathered foe" :ssj:

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Mar 5, 2019 15:16

HappyKitty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-FIzQmuMUY

# ? Mar 9, 2019 02:40

HOT4DREMELS: YES!!!!!!!

Driving around with a baseball bat in my passenger seat looking for the guy who keeps putting 'citation needed' on all my Wikipedia edits

# ? Mar 9, 2019 15:01

deep dish peat moss

Manifisto posted:

a moment of hesitation before pulling your arm back inside the train because you just realized a quip about a "disarming smile" would be the perfect icebreaker for that cutie across the aisle

# ? Mar 9, 2019 19:14

HappyKitty

A post-crunk rapper whose manager is unsuccessfully trying to explain why he really shouldn't change his stage name to "seXual P"

# ? Mar 12, 2019 08:11

glowing-fish: Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

Why can't North American bears get work visas for Australia?

Because they don't have the koalifications

# ? Mar 13, 2019 03:53

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Pepperoni are chili demons from japan

# ? Mar 13, 2019 19:02

Harold Fjord

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Pepperoni are chili demons from japan

Now do Ricearoni

# ? Mar 13, 2019 20:05

vanisher

Pouring things with a flourish in situations where its not appropriate

# ? Mar 13, 2019 21:05

vanisher

Opening and serving a bag of cheetos in the same way you would an expensive wine

# ? Mar 13, 2019 21:08

vanisher

"They say that when money is no issue its the presentation of your meal that you value most" I say to no one in perticular as I finish the spiral pattern on my paper plate with my Flamin' Hot Cheetos Puffs

# ? Mar 13, 2019 21:10

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Spelling "RIP" with deviled eggs to spice up the wake.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:59

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Paleolithic me, rubbing my temples, "Let's go over this one more time. You stab the earth and you put the seed in."
Paleolithic Grandpa, "I stab an elk and I put my seed in."
"GODS D--," I start to yell as I throw my planting stick across the muddy field. I catch myself and say, "No, promised Paleolithic Cheryl, I'd try. One more time. Poke a hole in the ground."
PG nodding, "Poke a hole."
Me, "In the mud."
PG, "In the mud."
Me, "Put a seed in."
PG, "With a spear?"
Me, "You, what? You just put it in with your hand."
PG, "Then what's the spear for?"
Me, really not holding it together, "To poke the hole! To poke the hole you put the seed in!"
PG, "What's wrong with gathering?"
Me, shouting, "This is easier. This is easier GODS DA--"
Paleolithic Cheryl gives me the eye.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 20:24

vanisher

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Paleolithic me, rubbing my temples, "Let's go over this one more time. You stab the earth and you put the seed in."
Paleolithic Grandpa, "I stab an elk and I put my seed in."
"GODS D--," I start to yell as I throw my planting stick across the muddy field. I catch myself and say, "No, promised Paleolithic Cheryl, I'd try. One more time. Poke a hole in the ground."
PG nodding, "Poke a hole."
Me, "In the mud."
PG, "In the mud."
Me, "Put a seed in."
PG, "With a spear?"
Me, "You, what? You just put it in with your hand."
PG, "Then what's the spear for?"
Me, really not holding it together, "To poke the hole! To poke the hole you put the seed in!"
PG, "What's wrong with gathering?"
Me, shouting, "This is easier. This is easier GODS DA--"
Paleolithic Cheryl gives me the eye.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 20:26

Manifisto

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Paleolithic me, rubbing my temples, "Let's go over this one more time. You stab the earth and you put the seed in."
Paleolithic Grandpa, "I stab an elk and I put my seed in."
"GODS D--," I start to yell as I throw my planting stick across the muddy field. I catch myself and say, "No, promised Paleolithic Cheryl, I'd try. One more time. Poke a hole in the ground."
PG nodding, "Poke a hole."
Me, "In the mud."
PG, "In the mud."
Me, "Put a seed in."
PG, "With a spear?"
Me, "You, what? You just put it in with your hand."
PG, "Then what's the spear for?"
Me, really not holding it together, "To poke the hole! To poke the hole you put the seed in!"
PG, "What's wrong with gathering?"
Me, shouting, "This is easier. This is easier GODS DA--"
Paleolithic Cheryl gives me the eye.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 21:32

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

this is gonna be the best thing since sliced mammoth

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Mar 15, 2019 00:37

Cubone: Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

[on the phone w/bae] no, I don't suck toes.

yeah

right, I don't do that

# ? Mar 16, 2019 07:27

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Cubone posted:

[on the phone w/bae] no, I don't suck toes.

yeah

right, I don't do that

A schedule of services is available on my website, which you would know if you'd register and take the post-coital survey as I've requested.

# ? Mar 16, 2019 12:24

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# ? May 24, 2024 16:57

xcheopis

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

A schedule of services is available on my website, which you would know if you'd register and take the post-coital survey as I've requested.

Ok, I hear what you're saying but there has to be a work order filed before the issue can be addressed.

# ? Mar 16, 2019 12:34

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