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About 6 months ago, my wife saw me reading Oglaf Comics, which is a fantasy webcomic that incorporates a lot of sexual elements. She was a little put off at first, but I caught her reading it secretly a few times before she just started reading it openly and sharing her favorite gags with me. This also reignited her interest in getting into kink, something we gave up after she failed to get pregnant a few years ago and things in the bedroom cooled down somewhat. It started off simple enough. She asked if we could try some fairly vanilla roleplaying and then that progressed to light bondage and slightly more elaborate costumes and scenarios. I wasn't totally into it, but I wasn't about to complain about all the sex I was suddenly having. I don't think I'd ever felt closer to my wife than I had the past few months. But as these things do they continued escalating. We talked about three-ways and swapping but nothing ever came of it. Then last week she showed me a new toy she had bought: a strap-on. She's decided that pegging is the next level our relationship needs to go to. I think it might be the end of my marriage. Now, I'm not one of those lame guys that thinks touching my butthole is suddenly going to make me gay. I know most guys enjoy butt stuff and if that's what makes you happy more power to you. But the reality is I'm not one of those guys. In fact, I don't even have a butthole. You see, I came to Earth about 43 years ago as part of a secret refugee program to save my people from intergalactic genocide. As it so happens, we largely look like humans with a few notable differences. One of those being that we don't have buttholes. I have a penis like appendage that functions more or less like one of your human penises. But in addition to sexual fluids and urine, it also extrudes solid feces. This does mean my wife is at a greater risk of yeast and urinary tract infections, but so long as I shower beforehand it's mostly fine and she's none the wiser. In any case, it's not like you ever get a good look at your partner's butthole unless you really go looking for it. I mean, I still walk on two legs and with a little bit of elective surgery it basically looks like I have a normal rear end. But even if I did the next level and got a cosmetic butthole put on, she'd still have nothing to penetrate. Plus we have a major organ there since it's not an opening like on a human body. I tried explaining how Greek men engaged in homosexual intercourse to her as a stop gap, but that only got me a funny look. The more I think about this the more I think that marrying a human was a mistake and my parents were right. You guys are freaking weird and my marriage is likely ruined because of it. Wait just a minute! This alien dude is talking about all of his weird alien parts and how he doesn't have a butthole, but he and his wife are trying to get pregnant?! I don't think this story is real, guys....
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Apr 30, 2019 01:35
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It's even more sad because only assholes have kids. 
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Apr 30, 2019 02:49
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quote:In any case, it's not like you ever get a good look at your partner's butthole unless you really go looking for it. uh this certainly isn't true unless you';re dj khaled or something
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Apr 30, 2019 07:22
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loquacius posted:That one kind of took a turn in the middle huh
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Apr 30, 2019 07:47
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Sagebrush posted:uh this certainly isn't true unless you';re dj khaled or something my partner hides their butthole around the house and let me tell you, it's a loving chore looking for it
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Apr 30, 2019 07:50
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I, for one, always go out of my way to check my partners butthole. Good way to catch aliens
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Apr 30, 2019 07:56
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Is poop stored in your alien balls?
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Apr 30, 2019 16:30
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Why'd you have to make it weird? < >
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Apr 30, 2019 17:50
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Oh, I guess that explains why aliens are so fascinated with probing people's butts, since they don't have any of their own...
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May 1, 2019 01:56
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SerialKilldeer posted:Oh, I guess that explains why aliens are so fascinated with probing people's butts, since they don't have any of their own... That makes a lot of sense.
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May 1, 2019 07:35
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Rad-daddio posted:Wait just a minute! This alien dude is talking about all of his weird alien parts and how he doesn't have a butthole, but he and his wife are trying to get pregnant?! I don't think this story is real, guys.... SerialKilldeer posted:Oh, I guess that explains why aliens are so fascinated with probing people's butts, since they don't have any of their own... 
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May 1, 2019 07:55
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SerialKilldeer posted:Oh, I guess that explains why aliens are so fascinated with probing people's butts, since they don't have any of their own... Holy gently caress. You've just answered the question everyone was asking.
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May 1, 2019 11:40
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This has been known since 1993 with the release of the documentary Coneheads.
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May 1, 2019 12:46
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Please consult trusted physicians before cutting off your penis that poops
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May 1, 2019 18:27
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If aliens don't have buttholes, how do they eat rear end?
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May 1, 2019 20:18
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They should have butthole cosmetic surgery available. Aliens will do anything for love, but they might not do that.
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May 1, 2019 20:27
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wesleywillis posted:If aliens don't have buttholes, how do they eat rear end? very carefully
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May 1, 2019 20:29
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wesleywillis posted:If aliens don't have buttholes, how do they eat rear end? 
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May 1, 2019 20:35
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Weird synchronicity from the Idiots on Social Media thread: TinTower posted:
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May 2, 2019 01:56
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wesleywillis posted:If aliens don't have buttholes, how do they eat rear end? Alien buttholes are stored in the balls.
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May 2, 2019 02:05
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Followup from the assless chap:quote:Obviously my wife failed to get pregnant. That's what I said in my confession. I didn't say "we failed" or that "I was disappointed". I'm a goddamn alien. She was never going to get pregnant. But I wasn't about to say, "Hey honey, all that sex we were having because you hoped to have a baby was completely futile because our reproductive systems and genetic codes are entirely different!" Put the details together yourself for once people! This is how my species has been able to so successfully infiltrate your society. You can't notice the tiniest details that are right in front of you. That's why my wife still hasn't noticed that I don't have a butthole and why so many of you never seem to notice how few buttholes are actually around you and if you do notice the buttholes, you don't realize that they're only skin deep. Some really good points in here, people these days are just buried in their phones all the time instead of really noticing and appreciating the buttholes around them
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May 2, 2019 02:10
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the being with no butthole (TBWNB) posted:
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May 2, 2019 03:05
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I Have no Sphincter and I Must poo poo
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May 2, 2019 05:35
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Butthole fesh is really on-brand with Oglaf and if you haven't read Oglaf I strongly suggest you do. One of my favorite webcomics. All hail Sithrak!
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May 2, 2019 06:37
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quote:I am a forums poster unjustly permabanned for a bad joke in this thread and have retained legal council against the forums. A list of all that reported my posts is under investigation and my account will be surely unbanned after Lowtax has to hand over the servers to the authorities. lol quote:Two of my first sexual experiences were with a Garfield handheld massager and an orbital sander. I don't remember which was first, but I have a feeling it was Garfield because I don't think I would have thought to turn the sander on and jam the dust collector up against my crotch unless I'd already done the math. They made Garfield massagers? That part's the biggest shock to me honestly
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May 2, 2019 13:00
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I’d like to congratulate if mr no-piss-bottle on kicking his habit, and wish him all the best kicking his poopsocking.
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May 2, 2019 13:43
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Hi Jastiger. How's Des Moines doing?
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May 2, 2019 13:47
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May 2, 2019 15:07
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loquacius posted:lol They make a baby Jesus dildo, I'm sure they make a Garfield one too
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May 2, 2019 16:57
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RFC2324 posted:They make a baby Jesus dildo, I'm sure they make a Garfield one too I bet they don’t - at least not an authorised version. Jesus is out of copyright.
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May 2, 2019 18:08
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therattle posted:I bet they don’t - at least not an authorised version. Jesus is out of copyright. Yeah, Jesus fell in to public domain around 1143AD.
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May 2, 2019 19:25
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loquacius posted:They made Garfield massagers? That part's the biggest shock to me honestly I’m fairly certain Jim Davis would license the production of fully authorized Garfield pornography if it meant he’d get paid.
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May 2, 2019 20:01
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wesleywillis posted:Yeah, Jesus fell in to public domain around 1143AD. Wait, stories and characters are copyrighted until 70 years after their creators death, and god created Jesus, so he shouldn’t have gotten into the public domain until 1952, 70 years after he was pronounced dead by Nietzsche.
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May 2, 2019 21:54
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HerStuddMuffin posted:Wait, stories and characters are copyrighted until 70 years after their creators death, and god created Jesus, so he shouldn’t have gotten into the public domain until 1952, 70 years after he was pronounced dead by Nietzsche. lmao look at this arian over here. go read a loving nicene creed
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May 3, 2019 03:06
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loquacius posted:lol They made a Hello Kitty vibrator. Officially licensed, and apparently they're doing it again. I knew a girl who had her first orgasm using one of those. Araenna fucked around with this message at 23:54 on May 6, 2019 |
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May 6, 2019 21:00
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Araenna posted:[url=https://jezebel.com/hello-kitty-vibrator-makes-a-comeback-but-will-it-ma-329209]They made a Hello Kitty vibrator. Officially licensed, and apparently they're doing it again. I knew a girl who had her first orgasm using one of those. “Hello Kitty” “Hello pussy!”
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May 6, 2019 21:32
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Araenna posted:They made a Hello Kitty vibrator. Officially licensed, and apparently they're doing it again. I knew a girl who had her first orgasm using one of those. “Back massager”  Just own it and call it the “Hello Klitty”, you’re not fooling anyone anyway.
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May 7, 2019 05:38
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HerStuddMuffin posted:“Back massager” In quite a few places you can't sell them unless they were marketed as back massagers, or there are a bunch of extra rules if you even can. I worked at a place in Houston years ago where we sold sex toys, porn, and drug paraphernalia. I think the only thing we could actually call by the name people knew was the porn.
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May 7, 2019 06:23
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RFC2324 posted:In quite a few places you can't sell them unless they were marketed as back massagers, or there are a bunch of extra rules if you even can. I don't think very many people know about the restrictive sex toy laws down in the bible belt. They'll let mega churches and corrupt politicians thrive, but heaven loving forbid you buy something that looks like a penis. Thats end times poo poo.
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May 7, 2019 12:51
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quote:My girlfriend and I recently broke up, and since then I've been a huge whore. I'm not particularly good looking, but I am a doctor, so I started using Hinge and getting 5-10 matches a day. As soon as you put that phrase in your profile, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Lately all my time is going into dating where for about 3-4 hours every day all I do is text, and then another 2 hours a day I go on a date, and about every other day I have a new partner. And then I keep seeing these women because honestly most of them are total smokeshows, and now after about 3 weeks I have 6 different women I go between. I mean, my initial reaction was "shoulda used protection, dumdum" but if you only did hand stuff and the likelihood is less than 1% I don't think it would have helped (I think condoms actually have a bigger risk factor than that? Don't feel like looking it up). But honestly if your only real inconvenience is that you have to stop having casual sex while you find out if you're diseased that's not really so bad all things considered. Maybe do some other types of self-care in the meantime quote:Often times (at least once every 2-3 days), I wish I could just get my testicles removed surgically. (a) see thread title (b) See old thread titles, honestly. I don't think your problem is having natural sexual urges; I think your problem is your antipathy to forming genuine human connections and your attitude toward your own sexual urges (again, natural, and not really something to be afraid of).
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May 7, 2019 12:59
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