Star Wars: a cool dude in a black cloak and helmet and his name is Star Wars

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Star Wars: a cool dude in a black cloak and helmet and his name is Star Wars

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Wild Horses: Oct 31, 2012; There's really no meaning in making beetles fight.

poo poo seems too long to be legit

# ? Sep 29, 2019 15:40

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# ? May 28, 2024 08:23

High Lord Elbow: Jun 21, 2013; "You can sit next to Elvira."

And too stupid. No, scratch that. Sounds exactly stupid enough to be legit.

# ? Sep 29, 2019 15:48

Colostomy Bag: Jan 11, 2016; C-Bangin' it

Grandpa Palps falls into Sarlac.

# ? Sep 29, 2019 16:15

The Cameo: Jan 20, 2005

High Lord Elbow posted:

And too stupid. No, scratch that. Sounds exactly stupid enough to be legit.

Based on the fact that the leaks from the prior two films have sounded immeasurably stupid ahead of time and then turned out to be sometimes a more lenient and forgiving description of events than what actually happens, I think it might not be stupid enough.

# ? Sep 29, 2019 16:37

Happy Noodle Boy: Jul 3, 2002

It sounds like a complete ripoff of ROTJ which means it�s probably 100% true.

# ? Sep 29, 2019 16:41

R. Guyovich: Dec 25, 1991

lmao at wiping threepio's memory permanently then finding a transferable copy like 15 minutes later

# ? Sep 29, 2019 17:00

CharlestonJew: Jul 7, 2011; Illegal Hen

R2 randomly keeps backups of his boyfriend's personality
Kylo shows up for the final battle to immediately die
Rose has vanished into the ether

# ? Sep 29, 2019 17:08

Taintrunner: Apr 10, 2017; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Boxman posted:

https://twitter.com/vengefulwalnut/status/1178030671215771648?s=21

Reminder that galaxys edge is at least hypothetically part of canon

No, galaxys edge is canon. you cannot truly appreciate the sequel trilogy without spending thousands of dollars at the star wars land

but also that's almost certainly an Easter Egg.

# ? Sep 29, 2019 17:14

YaketySass: Jan 15, 2019; Blind Idiot Dog

Happy Noodle Boy posted:

It sounds like a complete ripoff of ROTJ which means it�s probably 100% true.

Meh, a fake leak would also have gone that route because it's the obvious thing to expect from Abrams.

# ? Sep 29, 2019 18:33

Stairmaster: Jun 8, 2012

the only thing I dont' believe is that there wouldn't be yet another lightsaber duel between young sidious and rey/ben

# ? Sep 29, 2019 19:36

Gonz: Dec 22, 2009; "Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?"

People will be shocked when George Clooney shows up.

# ? Sep 29, 2019 19:47

Calaveron: Aug 7, 2006

So the movie is fifteen hours long

# ? Sep 29, 2019 20:36

Bogus Adventure: Jan 11, 2017; More like "Bulges Adventure"

It will be broken down into a trilogy

Star Wars Episode IX: Chapter 1
Star Wars Episode IX: Part 2
Star Wars Episode IX: The Finale

# ? Sep 29, 2019 21:03

Colostomy Bag: Jan 11, 2016; C-Bangin' it

R. Guyovich posted:

lmao at wiping threepio's memory permanently then finding a transferable copy like 15 minutes later

Cripes, they have cloud tech and stuff. Probably some Lando kickstarter.

# ? Sep 29, 2019 22:09

pospysyl: Nov 10, 2012

The Cameo posted:

Based on the fact that the leaks from the prior two films have sounded immeasurably stupid ahead of time and then turned out to be sometimes a more lenient and forgiving description of events than what actually happens, I think it might not be stupid enough.

On the flip side there were a lot of moments in TLJ that were leaked that sounded completely ridiculous as spoiler text but made a little bit more sense in the movie, like Yoda's ghost and Rose blowing herself up to stop Finn.

# ? Sep 29, 2019 23:12

Cross-Section: Mar 18, 2009

Basically, the issue with these text-dump plot leaks is that they lack a John Williams score

# ? Sep 29, 2019 23:45

Kazzah: Jul 15, 2011; Formerly known as
Krazyface; Hair Elf

Bogus Adventure posted:

It will be broken down into a trilogy

Star Wars Episode IX: Origins
Star Wars Episode IX: Revelations
Star Wars Episode IX: Palperdammerung

# ? Sep 29, 2019 23:57

Dishwasher: Dec 5, 2006; Congratulations on not getting fit in 2011!

Right. There was so much denial with the other leaks because there's "no way" this is gonna be "that" stupid.

This will be "that" stupid.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 00:04

Colostomy Bag: Jan 11, 2016; C-Bangin' it

Cross-Section posted:

Basically, the issue with these text-dump plot leaks is that they lack a John Williams score

John Williams commands the orchestra with a light saber pieced together from random parts.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 01:17

weekly font: Dec 1, 2004; Everytime I try to fly I fall
Without my wings
I feel so small
Guess I need you baby...

These are all dumb enough to be JJ but everyone knows the only truly successful character in this whole dumb trilogy is Kylo and him getting unceremoniously Boba Fett'd feels a lot like a tell it's spoilers + fan fic. Plus they just bounce around and meet people like it's a fuckin' tabletop roleplaying game and you'd need way more time than that unless everything is shot walk and talk Sorkin style oh god i've put it out there it's real now

# ? Sep 30, 2019 02:07

banned from Starbucks: Jul 18, 2004

What is it with all these "we need to kill the head ~~vampire~~spaceship" plots. You'd think after all this time theyd stopping putting all their important poo poo into just 1 ship.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 02:53

General Dog: Apr 26, 2008; Everybody's working for the weekend

I like the part where both Chewie and C-3P0 �die� and then end up being okay within like a 10 minutes of each other

# ? Sep 30, 2019 04:15

Everyone: Sep 6, 2019; by sebmojo

And... I think I'm going to vacate this thread for a while, at least until the movie premieres.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 04:33

Bogus Adventure: Jan 11, 2017; More like "Bulges Adventure"

Milkfred E. Moore posted:

ACT III

[Ahch-To]

Following her experience on the Death Star, Rey returns to the island on Ahch-to. Throughout the course of the film she has given in to her aggression, nearly killed her friend by unleashing a stream of lightning on a ship, learned that she is the descendant of the Sith Lord who reduced the Jedi to numbers that they have yet to recover from even half a century later, saw a vision of herself as a servant of darkness and stabbed her enemy through the chest in anger. Her most recent encounter with Kylo was the last straw and Rey has now made the decision to follow the example set by Luke and exile herself on the island where the Jedi began. Rey scuttles the ship she stole from Kylo and throws the repaired lightsaber originally constructed by Anakin Skywalker in after it. A ghostly hand snatches the lightsaber out of thin air as it's being thrown. It's Luke Skywalker. Luke�s conversation with Rey is said to be encouraging yet realistically grim in tone. Luke knows first hand what it�s like to face Palpatine and that it�s not an easy task. Rey must confront Palpatine in the same way that Luke once had to confront Vader. Luke encourages Rey by telling her of the faith Leia had in her. She saw the potential within her and hoped that Rey would be able to restore balance to the Force once more just as Anakin once did. Rey supposedly asks to speak to Leia at one point, but Luke responds by telling her that Leia has not yet completed her training and he can not yet feel her distinctive consciousness within the Force. By the end of their conversation, Rey is reenergized for the seemingly insurmountable task that lies ahead of her and agrees to leave the island. Having destroyed the ship she used to come to Ahch-to, Luke raises his own X-wing (previously seen submerged in the coves of the island) to allow Rey to face Palpatine. In addition to the starfighter, Luke gifts Rey with a lightsaber that once belonged to Leia. He tells her how Leia left her saber with Luke when she stopped training and Luke kept it on him. He then points Rey to where he kept it safe in his hut. Rey boards the X-wing, armed with the coordinates for Palpatine�s location obtained from Vader�s wayfinder and leaves the planet.

[The Resistance�s Jungle Base]

After returning to the jungle base, several things happen. After seeing the sacrifice made by 3PO, R2 reveals that he has a backup of C-3PO�s memories in his archives and is able to restore the droid to a mostly whole state. My sources believe this backup memory to have been created sometime around the time of The Force Awakens. It�s an older C-3PO, but it�s better than no 3PO at all. Lando reenters the story, having changed his mind, coming to the Jungle Base and wanting to help however he can. It is at this time that Rey begins transmitting coordinates into the Unknown Regions obtained from the wayfinder to the Resistance. The Resistance mobilizes, readying themselves for the impending conflict.

[The Unknown Regions- Exogol]

Rey follows the coordinates found in the wayfinder to the same spot Kylo did earlier in the film. Rey lands outside the giant cube floating above the ground and makes her way through the same underground passages. The cube, composed of black rock, floats several meters above the ground and is so massive that one corner can not be seen in frame when the camera is at another. As Rey travels down into the depths of the planet, giant Sith statues can be seen. Where Rey and Kylo�s experiences begin to differ come in with where Rey discovers Palpatine. Palpatine is not in the same chamber that Kylo discovered him in, but in a huge arena, surrounded by Sith loyalists in dark cloaks in the grandstands. Palpatine is being supported by some kind of mechanical arm, possibly connecting him to life support machinery. Rey begins to confront Palpatine. During this conversation Sideous reportedly confirms Rey�s lineage and goads her on to take up a lightsaber and strike him down (very much like how he encouraged Luke to do the same thing 30 years prior), telling her that only in killing him will she gain the power needed to save her friends. Palpatine also apparently makes statements alluding to the belief that Vader could not betray Luke due to their familial bond and that same kind of bond would ultimately cause Rey to do what the Emperor wishes. During his taunts, the sickly Sith opens the roof of the stadium chamber revealing that the sky above is filled with Star Destroyers soon to be embroiled in conflict with the approaching Resistance. As the battle between the First Order/Empire and the Resistance begins to rage in the skies above them, Rey gives into the Emperor�s commands and decides to strike him down.

Through means that are still a bit foggy to me, Ben Solo was able to leave the wreckage of the Death Star and his former persona behind and travel to Exogol with the purpose of joining Rey to help her face down Sidious. Before leaving the Death Star wreckage, Ben abandoned Kylo�s lightsaber so now he�s walking into a warzone with no weapon. When he arrives on the planet, he encounters the Knights of Ren who are guarding the entrance to the arena where Rey and Sidious are. Ben reportedly dispatches each of them using only the Force. After doing this he enters the arena as Rey is about strike the Emperor using Leia�s blade. Ben grabs Anakin�s lightsaber and warns Rey to reconsider what she is about to do, to not kill the Emperor in anger. Seeing Ben arrive pleases Sideous. He then uses his power to bond them together and begins to syphon power from that bond and direct it into himself. As the power flows into him, the once silky and decrepit Palpatine stands tall and strong once again, restoring himself to a much younger, healthier state.

[The Skies over Exogol]

While all this action is happening on the ground, much more explosive events are happening in the sky. The Resistance and the First Order are locked in battle. The details I have on what happens during this branch of the plot are a bit sparse at the moment, but here�s what I have been told. The Resistance arrives and they are confronted with hundreds of Palpatine�s Sith Star Destroyers. Their goal is to take out the flagship of the destroyers, where General Pryde is located. Taking out the flagship will supposedly sever communications with the rest of the fleet and prevent them from being able to navigate the perils of the Unknown Regions. At one point during the battle Finn and Jannah (joined by others, but exactly who is not clear to me right now) land on Pryde�s flagship to destroy it. They recognize this as essentially a suicide mission but Finn and Jannah in particular see the price they may have to pay as wort it to prevent more children from being abducted like they once were. One of my sources described it to me like a D-Day type mission for the Resistence where they attempt to land on to a moving Star Destroyer amidst the battle scene.

Having returned to full strength, Palpatine then shoots lightning into Ben, forcing him to fall into a bottomless abyss, never to be seen again. Sideous then shoots lightning into the sky at Resistance ships. He reportedly continues to make statements about how Rey will join him. In defiance of this, Rey grabs both Anakin�s and Leia�s lightsabers and Palpatine turns his wrath on her. It�s lightsaber vs. lightning at this point and when it seems like all hope is lost for Rey, the spectors of Luke and Leia come to her aid. They jointly work toward overpowering the Emperor, deflecting his lightning back toward himself, killing him and unleashing an explosion powerful enough to make the arena start to crumble around them. Darth Sideous, the last of the Sith Lords, is finally dead. At this same time Finn and Jannah complete their mission and succeed in destroying Pryde�s flagship. The two are prepared to go down with the ship, but are rescued at the last second by the Falcon. Rey escapes the crumbling arena.

[The Resistance�s Jungle Base]

Having won the day, the survivors of the battle regroup at the jungle base and celebrate. What follows is apparently celebration across the galaxy, once again mirroring what is seen at the end of Return of the Jedi.

[Tatooine]

For the end of the film, the heroes then travel to where everything began. The desolate, sandswept planet of Tatooine. Between defeating Sidious and this moment, Rey has disassembled Anakin and Leia�s lightsabers and used their components to construct one of her own that I�m told contains a golden/yellow blade. Rey buries the leftover pieces beneath the Tatooine sands at the site of the Lars homestead. As Rey turns to join Finn, Poe, Jannah, Chewie, R2, 3PO, BB-8 and D-0, a stranger calls out to her. The stranger apparently speaks of how nobody has been seen around this land for a very long time and asks Rey for her name. This is the second time in the film that this question has been posed to her, but unlike her response on Pasaana, Rey has decided who she is. She gives the name Rey Skywalker to the stranger, adopting the name of her masters and revealing the primary meaning of the title of the film. As Rey begins to rejoin her friends, she catches a glimpse of some familiar glowing figures, watching over her. The assembly of heroes look off into the distance at the horizon of the desert planet and watch twin suns set on a universe filled with hope.

The End.

So there you have it. As a reminder, be on the lookout for a reshoot changes and corrections post in the not too distant future.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 04:57

Preston Waters: May 21, 2010; by VideoGames

Milkfred E. Moore posted:

The End.

So there you have it. As a reminder, be on the lookout for a reshoot changes and corrections post in the not too distant future.

yea because it's all a bullshit fanfic and this is the CYA disclaimer

literally none of this sounds believable

# ? Sep 30, 2019 06:43

Preston Waters: May 21, 2010; by VideoGames

where was this posted

I would like to annoy the gently caress out of / trigger the content creator of this lovely fanfic

# ? Sep 30, 2019 06:44

Preston Waters: May 21, 2010; by VideoGames

literally reminds me of that X-Files episode "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'," the one with Jessie Ventura -- most specifically the part where the dude with aspergers writes his TRUE LIFE ABDUCTION story in movie script format...

# ? Sep 30, 2019 06:48

R. Guyovich: Dec 25, 1991

Cross-Section posted:

Basically, the issue with these text-dump plot leaks is that they lack a John Williams score

https://starwarsintrocreator.kassellabs.io/#!/BLq-uJuH18LoSGvzk8Ia

# ? Sep 30, 2019 07:44

Gonz: Dec 22, 2009; "Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?"

# ? Sep 30, 2019 07:47

Captain Jesus: Feb 26, 2009; What's wrong with you? You don't even have your beer goggles on!!

Preston Waters posted:

yea because it's all a bullshit fanfic and this is the CYA disclaimer

literally none of this sounds believable

Some of the stuff like Kylo Ren falling into a pit was mentioned in two different sources though which makes me worried that it's actually real.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 08:22

Gonz: Dec 22, 2009; "Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?"

Captain Jesus posted:

Some of the stuff like Kylo Ren falling into a pit was mentioned in two different sources though which makes me worried that it's actually real.

Maybe he just saw Ed Boon�s face appear and he wants to fight Smoke?

# ? Sep 30, 2019 08:23

Bogus Adventure: Jan 11, 2017; More like "Bulges Adventure"

When Alibaba Pictures purchases Disney, they will make an Alibaba Plus show called "The Knight" involving a masked figure who climbs out of a pit that looks an awful lot like Kylo Ren. It won't be Kylo Ren because then they would owe Bob Iger III royalties for the character, but it'll be fairly obvious to true fans about who he is supposed to be...

# ? Sep 30, 2019 08:41

BigglesSWE: Dec 2, 2014; How 'bout them hawks news huh!

https://twitter.com/youreysmeup/status/1178344073385541632?s=21

# ? Sep 30, 2019 11:24

High Lord Elbow: Jun 21, 2013; "You can sit next to Elvira."

quote:

R2 reveals that he has a backup of C-3PO�s memories in his archives and is able to restore the droid to a mostly whole state. My sources believe this backup memory to have been created sometime around the time of The Force Awakens. It�s an older C-3PO, but it�s better than no 3PO at all.

Lucky C-3PO gets to pretend that TLJ never happened.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 13:28

euphronius: Feb 18, 2009

That recent ��leak�� is pretty bad and way too close to ROTJ

# ? Sep 30, 2019 13:30

SuperMechagodzilla: Jun 9, 2007; NEWT REBORN

I hope it�s extremely real and the film really does end with CGI Carrie Fisher beating the emperor because gently caress the new characters lol.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 15:22

Happy Noodle Boy: Jul 3, 2002

SuperMechagodzilla posted:

I hope it�s extremely real and the film really does end with CGI Carrie Fisher beating the emperor because gently caress the new characters lol.

It's basically Gohan vs Cell except instead of ghost Goku we have Ghost Luke & Leia.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 15:32

wdarkk: Oct 26, 2007; Friends: Protected
World: Saved
Crablettes: Eaten

Happy Noodle Boy posted:

It's basically Gohan vs Cell except instead of ghost Goku we have Ghost Luke & Leia.

So what you're saying is that Ryan Johnson's trilogy will resurrect Luke and sideline Rey?

# ? Sep 30, 2019 15:48

Vinylshadow: Mar 20, 2017

wdarkk posted:

So what you're saying is that Ryan Johnson's trilogy will resurrect Luke and sideline Rey?

Not seeing the downside here

# ? Sep 30, 2019 16:45

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# ? May 28, 2024 08:23

General Dog: Apr 26, 2008; Everybody's working for the weekend

Preston Waters posted:

yea because it's all a bullshit fanfic and this is the CYA disclaimer

literally none of this sounds believable

The general beats are pretty close to a less detailed synopsis that came out maybe a month before, but of course it's possible that this one is just building on that.

# ? Sep 30, 2019 16:53

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