(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
Frog Act posted:
Yeah it seems like you and I are on the same path, only I numbed myself with huge amounts of prescription benzos instead of street drugs. Now that my life is stable I'm still not happy, I'm just not as fearful for the immediate future. And I'll still be the first to be laid off, maybe as soon as the one co-worker who does the same work as me gets back from her January holiday. So I don't even have stability really. Especially with loving one year contracts replacing real full time jobs. Because of my miltiant socialist/pessimistic/cynical outlook on life I have difficulties connecting socially with my much younger, apolitical co-workers, and I've found through experience that social connections matter a lot more than competence when job cutting time comes.  And being less competent due in part from taking benzos for 20+ years doesn't help either.Doctors tried to save me from my teenage anxiety by sacrificing my future, and now it is the future.
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Oct 11, 2019 04:03
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xcheopis posted:I celebrated 31 years clean and sober by making an official appointment with a therapist. (I have insurance! w00t!) grats to you. It sounds like you're taking good care of yourself. And yeah, I suspect a lot of people in this thread have more ptsd than they realize. Everybody thinks it's exclusive to soldiers and you wake up screaming about 'nam and if you don't fit that criteria then you're making poo poo up on the internet, but no, there's a lot of really really lovely stuff that's happened to some of us and it's left huge scars.
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Oct 11, 2019 05:41
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Yup. I havent experienced anything that most people would probably consider PTSD inducing, but for several years (from about 12 until I turned 16) I endured constant bullying. Im in my 30s now, and I still wake up screaming and throwing punches at random things every few weeks.
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Oct 11, 2019 06:43
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Another issue I'm having is every Friday afternoon my work passes around beers in true stereotypical Aussie fashion. Often before closing. I don't like beer, I shouldn't drink it for all sorts of reasons, and really don't want to stay at work any longer than I have to. But am running out of excuses to leave. I like my coworkers but I don't like them *that* much. Work and commuting already takes up most of my life. I'm sure this is eyeroll worthy for some of you but I find socialising exhausting.
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Oct 11, 2019 07:16
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^^ socializing is incredibly exhausting and dealing with that sucks. I am profoundly alone and its got my life on a teetering edge. normally I just accept it all but any time I allow myself to hope someone cares its a long spiral back down to the bottom and I always feel like it could get out of control at any point. I dont know what anyone could offer that I havent already tried. Im not really fishing for that. I mostly just needed somewhere to say that out loud to try and stop the feedback loop of only ever hearing it echo in my head. even thought to go back to the support group I went to for a few years. I went to the normal place at the normal time and there was some tutoring thing going on. so I tried calling the old organizers - no answer. I looked it up online and the old organizers are still the point of contact. tried to find another group and failed pretty spectacularly. the one person I wanted to be close to is having problems of their own and isnt ready to have another person be part of their life, even as a good friend. so I get kept at a very far distance. something about being so close and yet in the same exact spot Ive been for years is even more torturous than just having accepted Im going to be alone forever. and its really breaking me down fast. Im already back to the stage of randomly obsessing about suicide for minutes or even hours. Ill just note now, theres basically no risk of me ever doing anything. at least not without something pretty drastic happening. I dont even know what that could be, really, since losing my job, being broke and under a bunch of debt and being alone are all things I have or expect at any given time.
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Oct 11, 2019 07:21
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The psych my hmo set me up with to get depression diagnosed and get medication has been unresponsive for a month and a half, and now it's been a month since I've gone to bed sober 🙃
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Oct 11, 2019 07:41
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Ugato posted:I dont even know what that could be, really, since losing my job, being broke and under a bunch of debt and being alone are all things I have or expect at any given time. I'm with you on all points, friend.
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Oct 11, 2019 09:40
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Do any other cspammers have no family? I can't go back to mine, since they're the source/enabled most of my trauma. I don't even miss them anymore, I'm just painfully alone.
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Oct 11, 2019 12:24
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Chokes McGee posted:grats to you. It sounds like you're taking good care of yourself. there's a flip side of it that everyone thinks if you're a troop with PTSD you're six seconds away from axe murdering your family when it's not like that. for me it's more every three or four months I got on this massive bender miss a week of work and hide in the house randomly wandering around doing nothing. and then I ramp back up to super normal and very hyper and everything goes fine until I fall off that cliff again. there are some constants like feeling numb to most things and generally being cranky but it's easier to pass it off at work as "oh I'm an alcoholic" and leave out the "because of PTSD and depression and adhd" because the moment you say PTSD everyone thinks your going to show at work one day and blow them all away screaming about charlie.
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Oct 11, 2019 16:40
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Siljmonster posted:Do any other cspammers have no family? I can't go back to mine, since they're the source/enabled most of my trauma. I don't even miss them anymore, I'm just painfully alone. Yes and no for me. I've divorced myself from my biological family because they're a bunch of psycho abusive hillbillies, but MY WIFE's family is very kind to me. I can sympathize with cutting your parents out of your life, though. I gave my mom 38 years to stop loving up, and not only could she not do it, but she tried to come after my wife. You don't loving do that. Ever.
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Oct 11, 2019 17:52
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Chokes McGee posted:grats to you. It sounds like you're taking good care of yourself. Yeah, my PTSD started from something else entirely and then the traumatic events just add up over time. Being homeless and unemployed was so stressful and now that I have a place to live, those years of stress are really loving up my health. Which is why I gave up trying to handle it on my own. I have chronic health issues and insurance; there is no reason for me to do this alone.
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Oct 11, 2019 20:04
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Siljmonster posted:Do any other cspammers have no family? I can't go back to mine, since they're the source/enabled most of my trauma. I don't even miss them anymore, I'm just painfully alone. I have family, some of whom I speak to and the rest I give no fucks about. But I'm not a gregarious person by nature, so just having a few friends is nice. I like being alone with the quiet.
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Oct 11, 2019 20:15
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I have my first real date in nearly 5 years tomorrow and I'm gonna fuckin' barf, brothers. But I can't keep just sitting in my apartment alone every weekend so I am going to do it 
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Oct 11, 2019 23:30
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TheAardvark posted:I have my first real date in nearly 5 years tomorrow and I'm gonna fuckin' barf, brothers. But I can't keep just sitting in my apartment alone every weekend so I am going to do it just try not to barf on the date and thats a victory right there. good luck and godspeed goon
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Oct 11, 2019 23:35
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i hope it goes well! We're all rooting for you! Just think she already thinks you're a kind of cool person or she wouldn't have said yes to the date!
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Oct 12, 2019 00:53
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Siljmonster posted:Do any other cspammers have no family? I can't go back to mine, since they're the source/enabled most of my trauma. I don't even miss them anymore, I'm just painfully alone. Yep. They just had a family reunion in Spain and didn't even tell me about it. Well, my parents didn't, my less hosed up brother mentioned it. I got sad when I realised it's Canadian Thanksgiving and we have to video chat each other again. My wife hasn't talked to her mom in 10 years. Her only brother is getting married this weekend and we're missing it - she was crying about how hosed up her family is earlier today. If her brother cared we may have used our vacation time to take a 16 hour flight back to the city we hate, but he doesn't, so gently caress that. The only cool person in my family is my mom's sister, who lives on a hippie island off the west coast and ignores everyone else too. From my experience there are a lot more hosed up families than most people realise, we just don't talk about it. And it's often generational - our parents hate their parents too. Big reason why we decided to not have kids. UnfortunateSexFart has issued a correction as of 03:58 on Oct 12, 2019 |
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Oct 12, 2019 03:50
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Siljmonster posted:Do any other cspammers have no family? I can't go back to mine, since they're the source/enabled most of my trauma. I don't even miss them anymore, I'm just painfully alone. Kinda? I have an alcoholic dad that everyone just looks away and minimizes/enables, and a mom that really needs some therapy. I love my brother and visiting him and my nephew, but trips back to my parent's place is the worst trip down memory lane. I'd skip it entirely if the guilt trip my mom gave me was worse. It's just me, so my other family are my friends, who are a band of misfit LGBTQ+ folks. And my cats. They knock poo poo off my desk, sleep on my laptop, and have a habit of eating so fast they puke, but they don't call me a scowling hunchback gorilla. They also are great snugglers
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Oct 12, 2019 05:47
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UnfortunateSexFart posted:Yep. They just had a family reunion in Spain and didn't even tell me about it. Well, my parents didn't, my less hosed up brother mentioned it. I want to live here on Hippie Island, it sounds way more chill than billionaire whore island 
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Oct 12, 2019 07:13
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Siljmonster posted:Do any other cspammers have no family? I can't go back to mine, since they're the source/enabled most of my trauma. I don't even miss them anymore, I'm just painfully alone. I see my dad every few months and that works out well enough but since my mum died I see my brother and sister maybe once every year or two- if we weren't kin then we would have pretty much nothing in common and it feels very fake and awkward when we do meet. I feel the loneliness part a lot right now, even if it feels a bit stupid- ghosting facebook did wonders for my mental health in some ways but it also cut me off from a lot of people who's input I did value and who's lives I wanted to be aware of. I'm lucky to still have a few people in my life and it feels selfish to complain a lot but I grieve the absence of people I cared for while also having it feel very awkward/stupid to go back on that hellsite after all this time/good results since leaving. It's been a very morose and thoughtful few hours before dawn and I really think I need to chase up some more therapy once I'm physically fit again. If I ever get physically fit again. shut the gently caress up brain, you aren't helping.
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Oct 12, 2019 07:17
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Chokes McGee posted:I want to live here on Hippie Island, it sounds way more chill than billionaire whore island It's a nice place. Being gentrified like everything else, but one of my fav places in North America. When I was young I cried every time I had to take the ferry home. This video captures the vibe pretty well (first few seconds are a bridge/ferry terminal in Vancouver) https://youtu.be/dyU9cYSoM6g
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Oct 12, 2019 12:38
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MysteriousStranger posted:there's a flip side of it that everyone thinks if you're a troop with PTSD you're six seconds away from axe murdering your family when it's not like that. for me it's more every three or four months I got on this massive bender miss a week of work and hide in the house randomly wandering around doing nothing. and then I ramp back up to super normal and very hyper and everything goes fine until I fall off that cliff again. there are some constants like feeling numb to most things and generally being cranky but it's easier to pass it off at work as "oh I'm an alcoholic" and leave out the "because of PTSD and depression and adhd" because the moment you say PTSD everyone thinks your going to show at work one day and blow them all away screaming about charlie. Reminder that post office shootings happened entirely because of and to lovely bosses just saying
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Oct 12, 2019 14:09
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Siljmonster posted:Do any other cspammers have no family? I can't go back to mine, since they're the source/enabled most of my trauma. I don't even miss them anymore, I'm just painfully alone. I have my mom. My mom is super supportive and loves me more than anything. But she's getting older. She just turned 68 this year. She's healthy as hell but after working in a nursing home for the better part of 35 years she has no interest in extending her life to the point where she becomes infirm. Once she's gone that'll be pretty much it for my family. There were three other members of my family that we trusted to 'look in on me' should the worst happen but all 3 have already "departed". There's a 4th, she was the aunt of my favorite cousin growing up but...we are very different people and I only trust her about 50%. As far as said cousin is? We are about as opposite as people get. I have massive conflict aversion and he is so oppositional defiant that he sticks to contract work because he knows full well he won't get along with a proper boss for any length of time and is single because he won't get along with a woman for any significant period of time. I am both physically and mentally/neurologically "compromised" so I depend on my mom a lot. So as time passes I'm getting scared. I'm trying to get framework set up to be prepared for the inevitable but I fear I might have taken too long.
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Oct 12, 2019 17:47
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Speaking of moms, mine clearly has guilt about spending tons of money on herself and letting me fend for myself, even when I was borderline homeless as a teen with severe anxiety and depression. Not enough guilt to actually do anything nice, but enough to feel the need to rationalise how she can afford everything. She's constantly - without prompting - telling my wife and I how she had to save up for years for each expensive world trip that she takes. It's obvious horse poo poo and just makes us mad. Now that we're on the other side of the world she does it by email. I've learned to tune her out, but my wife gets super mad and I have to deal with the fallout from that. To make it even worse, her dad is rich too but is so cheap and mentally ill that at age 81 he still dumpster dives and wears his work overalls every day. So my wife and I have lived in poverty, making less than 40k per year each with no university education, while my parents go on international vacations every four months or so and my mom says, each time, that her and my dad saved for years to make it happen. Just now she said that while sitting in a six room villa in Spain. gently caress. Off. Just had to rant, thx. Even Donald loving Trump takes care of his kids financially. UnfortunateSexFart has issued a correction as of 23:13 on Oct 12, 2019 |
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Oct 12, 2019 23:10
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My mental health keeps deteriorating because of my money problems. Tips aren't enough to cover my hourly because I need cash to do things like replacing bike tires and eat. I've got two jobs hitting at about 34 hours a week working at a bar as a barback/bouncer and a dishwasher at a restaurant during brunch on Sundays. Being constantly behind on bills is driving me nuts. Feeling extremely trapped.
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Oct 12, 2019 23:48
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Well, my plan today was to take all my cash tips and put them into the bank, converted all my coins into cash, and took it to the nearest ATM i can make a deposit The ATM took my cash and my card and didnt make the deposit, kept everything for security reasons so im hosed i just lost 110 bucks and the bank doesnt open till tuesday the account has -150 in it so whatever im ready to loving die
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Oct 13, 2019 01:26
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my mom keeps telling me I need to come out and visit her. I keep telling her I havent gotten paid time off for nearly a decade and am under a bunch of debt. her solution was to offer to give me my Christmas money early to cover taking off a week. its kind of impressive how someone can have so much money but also have so little intelligence when it comes to money. her latest offer to sweeten the deal was that she would give me a first class ticket. I kind of wanted to scream.
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Oct 13, 2019 01:27
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Ugato posted:my mom keeps telling me I need to come out and visit her. I keep telling her I haven’t gotten paid time off for nearly a decade and am under a bunch of debt. her solution was to offer to give me my Christmas money early to cover taking off a week. Noice. My parents gave my wife a money order for for her birthday, a month late, with the first name of my only other serious girlfriend on it. They blamed it on the bank teller being an immigrant but come on, she got our weird German last name correct. Then she got mad at me for politely pointing out the error. I didn't even say she needed to fix it, just said we couldn't deposit it. This happened at the same time my wife missed her brother's wedding and my family had a secret family reunion without us. Really makes you feel special. My wife's been crying off and on all weekend (it's Sunday afternoon down under). Thanks for letting me hog the thread lately, folks. It's been a rough one.
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Oct 13, 2019 02:07
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Well tell your wife at least one random person online wishes her well. Family is what to make for yourself Im more and more convinced. Hope you both find something. I know Im in the same boat.
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Oct 13, 2019 02:36
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Every time I hear a story of struggling millenial/Gen X kids and rich boomer parents who have no loving clue what their kids are struggling with I want to go a-strangling. At least my mom started up on the poo poo end of the stick and had to spend her whole life working to go from rags to slightly better rags. (She still does the 'kids these days don't want to work thing' but more often than not it's because they called out of work and let her work an entire unit at a nursing home alone and she hasn't gotten a raise in 15 years) ChrisBTY has issued a correction as of 03:42 on Oct 13, 2019 |
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Oct 13, 2019 03:39
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Lmao melting down mood swings at work
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Oct 13, 2019 04:21
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ChrisBTY posted:Every time I hear a story of struggling millenial/Gen X kids and rich boomer parents who have no loving clue what their kids are struggling with I want to go a-strangling. my mom and I had a hot dog cut up into kraft Mac and cheese for most meals when I was with her because she was so poor. she really only recently (last 10ish years) got particularly well off. she had a big windfall, too, about 4 years ago. She decided she was going to move and drat the consequences - guy bought her house for $150k above asking (near SF airport) 2 days after putting it on the market and her job told her they wouldnt let her quit; she was going to work from home instead. she moved to a house that cost about half what hers was worth and has been making the same money that let her afford the original house still. shes not travel the world wealthy but shes well off enough she could wipe out my debt tomorrow if she wanted. I guess thats probably the biggest difference though is even though she was poor she never really had any debt other than a house payment. she doesnt know what it means to have a very negative net worth. even at her worst hers was 0.
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Oct 13, 2019 05:31
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Hello I bought girl clothes for the first time https://twitter.com/KamenRiderUno/status/1183416601493815296?s=19
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Oct 13, 2019 17:57
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BENGHAZI 2 posted:Hello I bought girl clothes for the first time Congrats for taking that exciting step! I will apologize in advance for the lack of/lovely pockets, nonsensical sizing, and really thin fabrics.
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Oct 13, 2019 18:02
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I posted I had a first date yesterday for the first time in years. Probably won't be seeing eachother again, but I am really glad I finally did it. I was nervous going in but it felt pretty normal after a few minutes, and I got to spend my afternoon doing something I love - going through an art museum. Ended up not drinking at all this weekend, and actually had the energy to call up and hang out with some friends, something I used to do on the regular before my brain worms were in full force. Thanks for listening CSpam E/N.
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Oct 13, 2019 23:07
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Sanguinary Novel posted:Congrats for taking that exciting step! I will apologize in advance for the lack of/lovely pockets, nonsensical sizing, and really thin fabrics. The best is when they have the fullsize pocket but have it stitched closed. Also, sometimes they put the pocket and run a stitch across it that is actually integral to the structure of the pants and if you remove it to open up the pocket you can gently caress up the pants. Also, a prevalence of synthetic fabric in women's clothing that will hundo percent shrink if exposed to too much heat when drying or be too delicate to tumble, or look like they came out of a preschool with a billion rhinestones and they sell it for 100 dollars. Clothing is good  poo poo.
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Oct 13, 2019 23:34
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congrats aardvark. a date you can feel good walking away from even if you wont see each other again is still a good date. now get back out there!
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Oct 14, 2019 01:05
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Goons are amazing people. I appreciate the help that's been given to me and there's so much more I want to say how this helps but, I'm no longer negative in my bank and I got my bill paid before the shut-off date, so avoiding even more fees. Next step is to work on my car to sell it so I can stop playing catch-up and pay people back. But being without a car is gonna be scary. Rarely drive since I use a bicycle as much as I am able to, but had to drive for lots of doctor's visits the last year.
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Oct 14, 2019 01:14
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is it ok to not desire things like getting married or having kids? my little brother got engaged today and I feel sort of broken for being so averse to that.
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Oct 14, 2019 02:58
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Consummate Professional posted:is it ok to not desire things like getting married or having kids? my little brother got engaged today and I feel sort of broken for being so averse to that. It is completely fine.
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Oct 14, 2019 03:04
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Consummate Professional posted:is it ok to not desire things like getting married or having kids? my little brother got engaged today and I feel sort of broken for being so averse to that. I'm 40 and have just had a series of long relationships where I've never felt the need after the first engagement fell apart. Your dating life is extremely short and you should enjoy yourself as long as everyone involved knows the score.
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Oct 14, 2019 03:11
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