CommissarMega posted:

I know this guy must've been mentioned before, but Hegelochus's fuckup reminds me of Ea-nasir, the shadiest trader of all time.

EDIT: Dude even has his own fanfiction, some of which is Somehow I find this the most hilarious aspect of his story.

Sobatchja Morda posted:

Just read a pretty interesting book about the history of poison, and there's some stories in there that belong in this thread sometime when I'm not not phoneposting. For now, have the antimony pill. It relaxes the bowels! Its made out of a poisonous metal! And, because it won't digest, you can keep reusing the same pill! Also makes for a great family heirloom. Get yours today!

Sobatchja Morda posted:

Just read a pretty interesting book about the history of poison, and there's some stories in there that belong in this thread sometime when I'm not not phoneposting. For now, have the antimony pill. It relaxes the bowels! Its made out of a poisonous metal! And, because it won't digest, you can keep reusing the same pill! Also makes for a great family heirloom. Get yours today!

Tashilicious posted:

Ea-Nasir was a legend among anthropologists and then tumblr found out about him and just exploded. It's actually pretty cool. I love this guy and his stupid room full of grudge mail.

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

If they've been moving before they got to Britain, why do they then "radiate" from there instead of just continuing to move?

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

If they've been moving before they got to Britain, why do they then "radiate" from there instead of just continuing to move?

FreudianSlippers posted:

They radiated from there after the collapse of the Roman Empire and the Anglo Saxon invasion when a lot of Briton refugees moved to Brittany (hence the name) which is why the Breton language is a Insular Celtic language and not a Continental Celtic language despite being on the continent.

The Continental Celtic languages all being long extinct.

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Henry VI of England should be much more highly regarded than he is imo. Fun fact: he was ineffectual and eventually murdered because he was one of the only normal decent people ever to be a monarch with power.

"Unlike his father, Henry is described as timid, shy, passive, well-intentioned, and averse to warfare and violence; he was also at times mentally unstable."

That's literally the only sort of King that anyone who isn't fabulously wealthy or entitled needs. And who the gently caress isn't mentally unstable after being king of one place and contested wartime king of another place, thanks to your violent rear end in a top hat dad, since infancy?

500excf type r posted:

Don't they pull up items from Doggerland which would be at least 8000 years old plus all those cave paintings in France and Spain that are tens of thousands of years old. Seems like people have been there since the Stone age imo

Ghost Leviathan posted:

There was that one king who iirc got real fat and spent all day loving whores to the point where he had a special threesome chair made for it, and possibly made peace with France to have easier access to French whores and cooking

Beachcomber posted:

I have seen a replica of that chair and it is fabulous.

hard counter posted:

edward vii was the one with the sexsled no-one's 100% sure on how it was supposed to work

ChubbyChecker posted:

ChubbyChecker posted:

quote:

We would however not generally consider it to be "partly correct" to say that "wiener schnitzel" kind of means "Penis schnitzel" or that "nut case" kind of means "testicle box".

Krankenstyle posted:

that seems fairly straightforward tbh

OutOfPrint posted:

Gotta give the guy credit for thinking of the comfort of the women he's loving, though. That looks pretty comfortable.

Krankenstyle posted:

this is cool

A 5700 year-old human genome and oral microbiome from chewed birch pitch

Birch pitch was used as chewing gum and painkiller from the stone age into early modern times. They've extracted DNA from a piece of birch gum found in southern Denmark, and can say that it was used by a woman with dark skin, dark hair, and blue eyes. She had recently eaten mallard and hazel nuts.

They've named the woman Lola. Here's an artist's rendition of how she might have looked (it is unknown how old she was):



Full disclosure: One of my mates is lead author on this. I remember trying to help him get some lovely GIS software to work back when he first started archaeology some 10 years ago lol

quote:

There arrived by ship three hundred lovely Frankish women, full of youth and beauty, assembled from beyond the sea and offering themselves for sin. They were expatriates come to help expatriates, ready to cheer the fallen and sustained in turn to give support and assistance, and they glowed with ardour for carnal intercourse. They were all licentious harlots, proud and scornful, who took and gave, foulfleshed and sinful, singers and coquettes, appearing proudly in public, ardent and inflamed, tinted and painted, desirable and appetizing, exquisite and graceful, who ripped open and patched up, lacerated and mended, erred and ogled, urged and seduced, consoled and solicited, seductive and languid, desired and desiring, amused and amusing, versatile and cunning, like tipsy adolescents, making love and selling themselves for gold, bold and ardent, loving and passionate, pink-faced and unblushing, black-eyed and bullying, callipygian and graceful, with nasal voices and fleshy thighs, blue-eyed and grey-eyed, broken-down little fools. Each one trailed the train of her robe behind her and bewitched the beholder with her effulgence. She swayed like a sapling, revealed herself like a strong castle, quivered like a small branch, walked proudly with a cross on her breast, sold her graces for gratitude, and longed to lose her robe and her honour. They arrived after consecrating their persons as if to works of piety, and offered and prostituted the most chaste and precious among them. They said that they set out with the intention of consecrating their charms, that they did not intend to refuse themselves to bachelors, and they maintained that they could make themselves acceptable to God by no better sacrifice than this. So they set themselves up each in a pavilion or tent erected for her use, together with other lovely young girls of their age, and opened the gates of pleasure. They dedicated as a holy offering what they kept between their thighs; they were openly licentious and devoted themselves to relaxation; they removed every obstacle to making of themselves free offerings. They plied a brisk trade in dissoluteness, adorned the patched-up fissures, poured themselves into the springs of libertinage, shut themselves up in private under the amorous transports of men, offered their wares for enjoyment, invited the shameless into their embrace, mounted breasts on backs, bestowed their wares on the poor, brought their silver anklets up to touch their golden ear-rings, and were willingly spread out on the carpet of amorous sport. They made themselves targets for men’s darts, they were permitted territory for forbidden acts, they offered themselves to the lances’ blows and humiliated themselves to their lovers. They put up the tent and loosed the girdle after agreement had been reached. They were the places where tent-pegs are driven in, they invited swords to enter their sheaths, they razed their terrain for planting, they made javelins rise toward shields, excited the plough to plough, gave the birds a place to peck with their beaks, allowed heads to enter their ante-chambers and raced under whoever bestrode them at the spur’s blow. They took the parched man’s sinews to the well, fitted arrows to the bow’s handle, cut off sword-belts, engraved coins, welcomed birds into the nest of their thighs, caught in their nets the horns of butting rams, removed the interdict from what is protected, withdrew the veil from what is hidden. They interwove leg with leg, slaked their lovers’ thirsts, caught lizard after lizard in their holes, disregarded the wickedness of their intimacies, guided pens to inkwells, torrents to the valley bottom, streams to pools, swords to scabbards, gold ingots to crucibles, infidel girdles to women’s zones, firewood to the stove, guilty men to low dungeons, money-changers to dinar, necks to bellies, motes to eyes. They contested for tree-trunks, wandered far and wide to collect fruit, and maintained that this was an act of piety without equal, especially to those who were far from home and wives. They mixed wine, and with the eye of sin they begged for its hire. The men of our army heard tell of them, and were at a loss to know how such women could perform acts of piety by abandoning all decency and shame.
...Now among the Franks a woman who gives herself to a celibate man commits no sin, and her justification is even greater in the case of a priest, if chaste men in dire need find relief in enjoying her. Another person to arrive by sea was a noblewoman who was very wealthy. She was a queen in her own land, and arrived accompanied by five hundred knights with their horses and money, pages and valets, she paying all their expenses and treating them generously out of her wealth. They rode out when she rode out, charged when she charged, flung themselves into the fray at her side, their ranks unwavering as long as she stood firm. Among the Franks there were indeed women who rode into battle with cuirasses and helmets, dressed in men’s clothes; who rode out into the thick of the fray and acted like brave men although they were but tender women, maintaining that all this was an act of piety, thinking to gain heavenly rewards by it, and making it their way of life. Praise be to him who led them into such error and out of the paths of wisdom! On the day of battle more than one woman rode out with them like a knight and showed (masculine) endurance in spite of the weakness (of her sex); clothed only in a coat of mail they were not recognized as women until they had been stripped of their arms. Some of them were discovered and sold as slaves.

Kevin DuBrow posted:

smut

System Metternich posted:

This is the most literal hate-boner I’ve ever seen

Also: "[They] brought their silver anklets up to touch their golden ear-rings" - these are some impressive acrobatics

Kevin DuBrow posted:

This account was written by Imad al-Din al-Isfahani, a friend and chancellor of Saladin, as part of his History of the Fall of Jerusalem. It describes the arrival of “Frankish” (term used by Muslims that really meant Christian European) women in Jerusalem during the Crusades. It is quite an exciting read. His hate-boner is impressive.


I love reading the defamatory, hate-filled rants written by medieval Muslims about Christians, and vice-versa. It’s just over the top.

Daikloktos posted:

Sorry to bother you guys; what's the title reference?