Coronavirus 2021: I Threw Up On My Sheep

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > Coronavirus 2021: I Threw Up On My Sheep

Arsenic Lupin: Apr 12, 2012; This particularly rapid💨 unintelligible 😖patter💁 isn't generally heard🧏‍♂️, and if it is🤔, it doesn't matter💁.

"If there's a mandatory quarantine, the first thing we will do is break quarantine! It'll be okay, because none of *our* friends will be infected."

Masque of the Red Death, but without the cool and interesting bits.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 17:54

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# ? May 25, 2024 23:21

AreWeDrunkYet: Jul 8, 2006

https://twitter.com/jackfitzdc/status/1232440095338139649

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:02

CRUSTY MINGE: Mar 30, 2011; Peggy Hill
Foot Connoisseur

poverty goat posted:

It's the post-military pork barrel DOD contracting gig that does it

Those pork barrel gigs pay well, but not that well. Pilot doesn't mean poo poo when wages have been driven down for years by poo poo companies like Frontier. "Weapons expert" means precisely gently caress all too, as every idiot that joined the military ever thinks they are a weapons expert. I know, I did army time, milfolk are dumb, just like me. At least my medical poo poo is covered, thanks taxpayers!

For every prepper out there, there should be at least one goon willing to walk up to their compound and poo poo down their air ventilation pipes.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:04

There Bias Two: Jan 13, 2009; I'm not a good person

wrong thread

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:05

mastershakeman: Oct 28, 2008; by vyelkin

Fenarisk posted:

With everyone wearing masks it'll be harder to ID me too! Hoping for mass looting in Chicago, all the police will be busy at grocery stores while I grab some nice stuff from Guitar Center

gently caress that it's finally time to liberate the macallan 30 from binny's

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:06

Feldegast42: Oct 29, 2011; COMMENCE THE RITE OF SHITPOSTING

Books On Tape posted:

Our plan is kinda one of stages.

1) Now: start slowly phasing in light social distancing and improved hygienic habits. View large crowd gatherings as risk/reward scenarios.

2) Spreading begins stateside: Telecommute. Shelter in place mostly. Social distancing and Light PPE when in public. Establish decon station in garage w/ crude "scrub station" to keep inside home "clear". Stage 2 bins with important personal items, have 2 large bins ready for clothes (Odds: Likely)

3) Spreading begins locally: Firm shelter in place. Stage clothes, supplies & be prepared to roll to a buddy's house on short notice. IF either of us needs to leave, full PPE and scrub in when returning home. (Odds: 50 / 50 of happening)

4) Quarantine / Instability: If we see threat of forced quarantine / local travel restriction / Localized looting, we will load clothes/supplies/weapons/personal bins into our two vehicles, secure the house, and relocate to a buddy's house about 4 miles away per an agreed upon plan. (Odds: Highly unlikely)

Secondary / Emergency Location: He, his wife, and 2yo son live in a 9000 square foot brick home in a very nice neighborhood. It sits atop a hill at the end of a cove with great sight lines in all directions.

He's in the military, is a weapons expert. He's got 2+ years of food, more ammo than we could ever need, reloading bench, a nice garden, honey bees, significant medical supplies, an extensive whiskey collection, roughly 500gal water storage (bottled, 2x 55gal drums, 4x water BOBs), plus rainwater collection system tied into his gutters and a large water purification system. HE is a "prepper", albeit a very normal dude. His wife is a military/civilian pilot as well. You'd never guess any of this meeting them or walking around their house, which is by design.

We will have 4-5 couples (all close friends) there to share watch/duties with plenty of bedrooms/space for everyone. Each would be coming in with ~2+ months of supplies. We could comfortably shelter in place for extended period there, and properly defend it if anyone who didn't prepare decided to get nosy.

What if the zombies have artillery and shell your house from a distance

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:06

CRUSTY MINGE: Mar 30, 2011; Peggy Hill
Foot Connoisseur

Feldegast42 posted:

What if the zombies have artillery and shell your house from a distance

This is covered by my drone poo poo bag dropping plan.

You don't need zombies, you need catapults to launch piles of poo poo onto their house during peak infection.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:07

Tei: Feb 19, 2011

AreWeDrunkYet posted:

https://twitter.com/jackfitzdc/status/1232440095338139649

Sounds like eating your own foot.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:09

Spacehams: Jun 3, 2007; sometimes people are mean, and I think they should try being nice; Grimey Drawer

Feldegast42 posted:

What if the zombies have artillery and shell your house from a distance

Hopefully he has a counterbattery system set up to quickly return fire.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:10

poverty goat: Feb 15, 2004

If the zombies have catapults it's game over. They'll be launching infected corpses into the compound, Mongol style.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:11

bob dobbs is dead: Oct 8, 2017; I love peeps; Nap Ghost

CRUSTY MINGE posted:

This is covered by my drone poo poo bag dropping plan.

You don't need zombies, you need catapults to launch piles of poo poo onto their house during peak infection.

needs to be infected, gotta make sure

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:16

CRUSTY MINGE: Mar 30, 2011; Peggy Hill
Foot Connoisseur

Go dig poo poo out of the hazardous medical waste bins at the nearest old folks home.

Preppers:

https://twitter.com/swack/status/1232621254273830912?s=19

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:18

Arsenic Lupin: Apr 12, 2012; This particularly rapid💨 unintelligible 😖patter💁 isn't generally heard🧏‍♂️, and if it is🤔, it doesn't matter💁.

That was awesome, Rosalind. Thank you so much.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:19

CRUSTY MINGE: Mar 30, 2011; Peggy Hill
Foot Connoisseur

This has to be a goon

https://twitter.com/bladerunner3049/status/1232147886298845184?s=19

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:28

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

bob dobbs is dead posted:

needs to be infected, gotta make sure

Drone can just bring a piece of poo poo around with a note "please cough on me" before loading it into the catapult :shrug:

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:29

Ornamental Dingbat: Feb 26, 2007

My dad keeps making Facebook posts about CORVID-19 so I've leaned into it and now have him convinced it's called Crow Flu

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:44

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Laserface posted:

So Australian School Cleaners are being offered huge incentives to fly to Japan and clean the cruise ship.

I have an idea.

a bunch of us go and clean the cruise ship. we lick every surface we can find. we all go home to our respective countries.

once home, we start attending boomer-centric events/facilities: Real Estate investment information sessions, nursing homes, lawn care sections of department stores, trump rallies, classic car meets, etc.

we're all under 60, we just get a mild to bad flu and a big paycheck. they all end up dead.

Goon Camp: Genocide Edition

LanceHunter posted:

Don�t listen to this pro-aerosol plume propaganda.

The Glumslinger posted:

https://mobile.twitter.com/ABC7/status/1232543090000351232

cool. cool

CRUSTY MINGE posted:

Meh. I have food for a week. It's the constant having to leave for cigarettes and weed that's going to kill me.

im all stocked up on weed. don't have food, or water, or beer, or a first aid kit, or masks, or any survival gear, or anywhere to go if poo poo gets weird.

but the weed wont be a problem, thank god

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:45

Shaocaholica: Oct 29, 2002; Fig. 5E

CRUSTY MINGE posted:

Go dig poo poo out of the hazardous medical waste bins at the nearest old folks home.

Preppers:

https://twitter.com/swack/status/1232621254273830912?s=19

Pidgeons are free so eat those during the lockdown. Get some pidgeon traps going. Rats too. And bats.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:46

MorrisBae: Jan 18, 2020; by Athanatos

https://twitter.com/PekingMike/status/1232718738014818307

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:46

Shaocaholica: Oct 29, 2002; Fig. 5E

Anyone going to a political rally deserves to get corvid-19

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:47

Burt Sexual: Jan 26, 2006; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Switchblade Switcharoo

Lol amazon is like down to poo poo sellers of n95 masks. I should probably get some somewhere

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:50

Shaocaholica: Oct 29, 2002; Fig. 5E

Burt Sexual posted:

Lol amazon is like down to poo poo sellers of n95 masks. I should probably get some somewhere

Home Depot/Lowe�s is the stealth option but I bet people have figured that out already.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:51

CRUSTY MINGE: Mar 30, 2011; Peggy Hill
Foot Connoisseur

Play posted:

im all stocked up on weed. don't have food, or water, or beer, or a first aid kit, or masks, or any survival gear, or anywhere to go if poo poo gets weird.

but the weed wont be a problem, thank god

I'm just going to wait until my neighbors abandon the apartment complex to flee back home and I'm going to raid their pantries. Lots of milfolk in my area, plenty of them will be called away for days or weeks or months at a time if this gets crazy. Then I'll barter my ill-gotten pantry gains for weed, because they grow a lot in this town. Potheads being typically pacifists, I'm sure I could shake down a decent deal. Then I'll make my way to the mountains to hang out with bigfoot and probably die in the woods from some variety of madness.

Not a bad plan.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 18:57

other people: Jun 27, 2004; Associate Christ

Books On Tape posted:

Our plan is kinda one of stages.

1) Now: start slowly phasing in light social distancing and improved hygienic habits. View large crowd gatherings as risk/reward scenarios.

2) Spreading begins stateside: Telecommute. Shelter in place mostly. Social distancing and Light PPE when in public. Establish decon station in garage w/ crude "scrub station" to keep inside home "clear". Stage 2 bins with important personal items, have 2 large bins ready for clothes (Odds: Likely)

3) Spreading begins locally: Firm shelter in place. Stage clothes, supplies & be prepared to roll to a buddy's house on short notice. IF either of us needs to leave, full PPE and scrub in when returning home. (Odds: 50 / 50 of happening)

4) Quarantine / Instability: If we see threat of forced quarantine / local travel restriction / Localized looting, we will load clothes/supplies/weapons/personal bins into our two vehicles, secure the house, and relocate to a buddy's house about 4 miles away per an agreed upon plan. (Odds: Highly unlikely)

Secondary / Emergency Location: He, his wife, and 2yo son live in a 9000 square foot brick home in a very nice neighborhood. It sits atop a hill at the end of a cove with great sight lines in all directions.

He's in the military, is a weapons expert. He's got 2+ years of food, more ammo than we could ever need, reloading bench, a nice garden, honey bees, significant medical supplies, an extensive whiskey collection, roughly 500gal water storage (bottled, 2x 55gal drums, 4x water BOBs), plus rainwater collection system tied into his gutters and a large water purification system. HE is a "prepper", albeit a very normal dude. His wife is a military/civilian pilot as well. You'd never guess any of this meeting them or walking around their house, which is by design.

We will have 4-5 couples (all close friends) there to share watch/duties with plenty of bedrooms/space for everyone. Each would be coming in with ~2+ months of supplies. We could comfortably shelter in place for extended period there, and properly defend it if anyone who didn't prepare decided to get nosy.

heck, same

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:00

Hannibal Rex: Feb 13, 2010

Books On Tape posted:

Our plan is kinda one of stages.

1) Now: start slowly phasing in light social distancing and improved hygienic habits. View large crowd gatherings as risk/reward scenarios.

2) Spreading begins stateside: Telecommute. Shelter in place mostly. Social distancing and Light PPE when in public. Establish decon station in garage w/ crude "scrub station" to keep inside home "clear". Stage 2 bins with important personal items, have 2 large bins ready for clothes (Odds: Likely)

3) Spreading begins locally: Firm shelter in place. Stage clothes, supplies & be prepared to roll to a buddy's house on short notice. IF either of us needs to leave, full PPE and scrub in when returning home. (Odds: 50 / 50 of happening)

4) Quarantine / Instability: If we see threat of forced quarantine / local travel restriction / Localized looting, we will load clothes/supplies/weapons/personal bins into our two vehicles, secure the house, and relocate to a buddy's house about 4 miles away per an agreed upon plan. (Odds: Highly unlikely)

Secondary / Emergency Location: He, his wife, and 2yo son live in a 9000 square foot brick home in a very nice neighborhood. It sits atop a hill at the end of a cove with great sight lines in all directions.

He's in the military, is a weapons expert. He's got 2+ years of food, more ammo than we could ever need, reloading bench, a nice garden, honey bees, significant medical supplies, an extensive whiskey collection, roughly 500gal water storage (bottled, 2x 55gal drums, 4x water BOBs), plus rainwater collection system tied into his gutters and a large water purification system. HE is a "prepper", albeit a very normal dude. His wife is a military/civilian pilot as well. You'd never guess any of this meeting them or walking around their house, which is by design.

We will have 4-5 couples (all close friends) there to share watch/duties with plenty of bedrooms/space for everyone. Each would be coming in with ~2+ months of supplies. We could comfortably shelter in place for extended period there, and properly defend it if anyone who didn't prepare decided to get nosy.

I hope you have a contingency plan for underground god damned monsters this time.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:00

CRUSTY MINGE: Mar 30, 2011; Peggy Hill
Foot Connoisseur

Hannibal Rex posted:

I hope you have a contingency plan for underground god damned monsters this time.

I doubt his name is also Burt.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:01

SulfurMonoxideCute: Feb 9, 2008; I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

Shaocaholica posted:

Home Depot/Lowe’s is the stealth option but I bet people have figured that out already.

I checked around a few days ago and all the websites in my city showed both in-store and online were picked clean. Hand sanitizer was really hard to find too. Most shelves everywhere are empty.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:11

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Filter the virus through your bong, you will be fine.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:13

vandalism: Aug 4, 2003

How will n95 masks help? You will have to take it off eventually. Then... muh muh muh muh my corona.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:13

stephenthinkpad: Jan 2, 2020

I went to a Home Depot and a Target yesterday to find extra masks, only because both of them lied to me and said "limited quantity." At that time Target still shown mask available online but then OOS when I actually tried to order.

So I quickly went to walkmart.com and order a box from a third party, the only third party that offer 2-day shipping. They are not even n95 masks, just off brand respirator masks. And I wouldn't be surprised if they end up cancelling the order.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:17

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Don't trust online inventory numbers of brick and mortar stores, especially if they only show several items

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:27

SulfurMonoxideCute: Feb 9, 2008; I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

vandalism posted:

How will n95 masks help? You will have to take it off eventually. Then... muh muh muh muh my corona.

I'm mostly doing it for other people's peace of mind. My husband is allergic to everything and sneezes a lot and we don't want to incite panic on trains or whatever. A bunch of people have been telling me to cancel my trip to Tokyo on Friday but at the rate this things moving, it's probably already here and we just don't know it yet. So it's mostly performative.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:37

Iron Crowned: May 6, 2003; by Hand Knit

Colonel Cancer posted:

Don't trust online inventory numbers of brick and mortar stores, especially if they only show several items

When I worked in one, I'd have people pestering me all the time that the app said we had 2 left, I'd tell them that when it's under 10, someone probably stole them.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:47

poverty goat: Feb 15, 2004

vandalism posted:

How will n95 masks help? You will have to take it off eventually. Then... muh muh muh muh my corona.

You don't it off until you are back in your ozone-sterilized saferoom

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:51

coronavirus: Jan 27, 2020; by Cyrano4747

font color sea posted:

For all the people here preparing for the apocalypse, I'm uhhm not entirely sure a few bottles of water and some rice and beans will do much in case of massive social collapse. Maybe you can change my mind tho!

Its not preparing for the apocalypse. You get some extra tylenol and rice and TP to last you a few weeks if your grocery and pharmacy has disruptions from other people buying out the store, or shipping problems due to quarantines. You are not getting ready for Mad Max, just a few bad weeks (most likely nothing, but a few hundred bucks is cheap insurance).

# ? Feb 26, 2020 19:57

Trainee PornStar: Jul 20, 2006; I'm just an inbetweener

Books On Tape posted:

Our plan is kinda one of stages.

1) Now: start slowly phasing in light social distancing and improved hygienic habits. View large crowd gatherings as risk/reward scenarios.

2) Spreading begins stateside: Telecommute. Shelter in place mostly. Social distancing and Light PPE when in public. Establish decon station in garage w/ crude "scrub station" to keep inside home "clear". Stage 2 bins with important personal items, have 2 large bins ready for clothes (Odds: Likely)

3) Spreading begins locally: Firm shelter in place. Stage clothes, supplies & be prepared to roll to a buddy's house on short notice. IF either of us needs to leave, full PPE and scrub in when returning home. (Odds: 50 / 50 of happening)

4) Quarantine / Instability: If we see threat of forced quarantine / local travel restriction / Localized looting, we will load clothes/supplies/weapons/personal bins into our two vehicles, secure the house, and relocate to a buddy's house about 4 miles away per an agreed upon plan. (Odds: Highly unlikely)

Secondary / Emergency Location: He, his wife, and 2yo son live in a 9000 square foot brick home in a very nice neighborhood. It sits atop a hill at the end of a cove with great sight lines in all directions.

He's in the military, is a weapons expert. He's got 2+ years of food, more ammo than we could ever need, reloading bench, a nice garden, honey bees, significant medical supplies, an extensive whiskey collection, roughly 500gal water storage (bottled, 2x 55gal drums, 4x water BOBs), plus rainwater collection system tied into his gutters and a large water purification system. HE is a "prepper", albeit a very normal dude. His wife is a military/civilian pilot as well. You'd never guess any of this meeting them or walking around their house, which is by design.

We will have 4-5 couples (all close friends) there to share watch/duties with plenty of bedrooms/space for everyone. Each would be coming in with ~2+ months of supplies. We could comfortably shelter in place for extended period there, and properly defend it if anyone who didn't prepare decided to get nosy.

You can't just 'hunker down' mate... have you never read any zombie books? you'll be swarmed in no time..

On a more serious note... LOL!!! all that over a dodgy case of the flu.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 20:09

Shaocaholica: Oct 29, 2002; Fig. 5E

# ? Feb 26, 2020 20:10

Nurge: Feb 4, 2009; by Reene; Fun Shoe

Trainee PornStar posted:

You can't just 'hunker down' mate... have you never read any zombie books? you'll be swarmed in no time..

On a more serious note... LOL!!! all that over a dodgy case of the flu.

This guy here is definitely going to be running across open ground at your sniper slits. Keep an eye out.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 20:10

Ornamental Dingbat: Feb 26, 2007

Nurge posted:

This guy here is definitely going to be running across open ground at your sniper slits. Keep an eye out.

He'll hit the spike traps long before I have to worry about shooting.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 20:15

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# ? May 25, 2024 23:21

Shaocaholica: Oct 29, 2002; Fig. 5E

Stay at home watching zombie and virus movies to get in that mindset.

# ? Feb 26, 2020 20:19

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