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(Thread IKs: Josherino)
 
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Chuka Umana
Apr 30, 2019

by sebmojo
Perhaps we should have an effort post on the coronavirus and what we actually have to be worried about?

I'm sure I'm not the only person getting anxiety from this.

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UnfortunateSexFart
May 18, 2008

𒃻 𒌓𒁉𒋫 𒆷𒁀𒅅𒆷
𒆠𒂖 𒌉 𒌫 𒁮𒈠𒈾𒅗 𒂉 𒉡𒌒𒂉𒊑


Classon Ave. Robot posted:

Nobody posting in C-spam should be particularly worried about coronavirus. Even if it gets real big in North America it's mostly just going to kill old people, which is unarguably a good thing. It might hurt "the economy", but honestly how many people here have any fuckin stake in the economy? It's a bunch of fake numbers being moved around by rich people, the dumbass stock numbers eventually went back up after they crashed in 2008 but they certainly never had any positive effect on my life or anyone I've known. The only reason to be worried is if Mayo Pete gets it on purpose then coughs on Bernie on stage to try to get rid of him, but that's not something that anyone here can control.

I work in the mobile phone industry, the condo I just bought is like 90% Chinese owned, and my work is in a Chinese area so it could affect me. But I'm guessing it'll whimper out like all the ones before it.

I am showing early cold/flu symptoms right now. Yay!

bobtheconqueror
May 10, 2005

Equeen posted:

Another rejection after I what thought was one of my best interviews. I thought I made an honest connection with the interviewer while giving good answers. God, I'm a failure. What's wrong me, is it my speech, how I look, am I too low energy? Am I just that undeserving of having a decent paying office job with benefits? Can the interviewers sense how much of a desperate loser I am?

I don't know your exact situation, but I'd advise you not to take that stuff personally. Don't internalize the external, especially the whims of a stranger. As somebody else mentioned, interviews are dumb gently caress byzantine garbage, and as long as you know you could have done the job, your success or failure likely has little to do with you. It's natural to feel upset by rejection and look for ways you might have done things differently, and sometimes there might be good lessons in that, but by and large the world's cruelty towards you isn't your fault.

You deserve those bennies regardless of job status. We all do.

succ
Nov 11, 2016

by Cyrano4747

Equeen posted:

Another rejection after I what thought was one of my best interviews. I thought I made an honest connection with the interviewer while giving good answers. God, I'm a failure. What's wrong me, is it my speech, how I look, am I too low energy? Am I just that undeserving of having a decent paying office job with benefits? Can the interviewers sense how much of a desperate loser I am?

Keep trying friend. In two weeks I will be unemployed trying to do the same thing you are. It is demoralizing and sadistic that we have to go through this process. Just keep trying and know that all your friends here want this trash system to burn down.

bobtheconqueror
May 10, 2005

succ posted:

Keep trying friend. In two weeks I will be unemployed trying to do the same thing you are. It is demoralizing and sadistic that we have to go through this process. Just keep trying and know that all your friends here want this trash system to burn down.

I interviewed for a job today in a call center for insurance questions. Assuming I even get it, I realized right after I left that I'll have to find something else in a year or so when Bernie starts up the mega-guillotine and was like, "Ok, that's acceptable."

Classon Ave. Robot
Oct 7, 2019

by Athanatos

Chuka Umana posted:

Perhaps we should have an effort post on the coronavirus and what we actually have to be worried about?

I'm sure I'm not the only person getting anxiety from this.

The actual truth of it is that this specific strain of coronavirus is a particularly transmissible one that goes undetected for an extended period of time before it presents symptoms, if it does at all. The symptoms are essentially the same as your average influenza strain, but around 1 in 6 people develop more serious symptoms and require actual medical treatment, and this is more likely to happen to older people or those already in poor health. It's spread like most flu viruses, through getting some tiny bits of someone else's cough or sneeze on your hands and then touching your eyes or mouth or food or whatever. Roughly 2% of people diagnosed with it have died, but there are way more people with the virus than have reported to hospitals (obviously), so if you get it your chances are probably better than 2%, especially if you're young and healthy.

I think it's worth mentioning that Chinese people do not somehow generate the disease in their body like a lot of people act like, you don't really have to be afraid of them unless they've recently returned from Wuhan or have been hanging out with someone who has lately.

Other than that your chances of being directly affected by it are currently pretty low (assuming the average C-SPAM reader is in North America), but outbreaks are still going to keep happening and the virus is probably still going to spread just because of how long a person can be infectious before they develop symptoms, and how expensive it is to go to the hospital meaning that a lot of people won't bother unless they develop serious symptoms. You don't have to monitor coronavirus news constantly, just keep an eye out for if it starts being reported in the area you live in. Just do what you would normally do during flu season, there's literally nothing else you need to worry about. If someone develops a vaccine you'll hear about it.

Classon Ave. Robot has issued a correction as of 10:12 on Feb 27, 2020

UnfortunateSexFart
May 18, 2008

𒃻 𒌓𒁉𒋫 𒆷𒁀𒅅𒆷
𒆠𒂖 𒌉 𒌫 𒁮𒈠𒈾𒅗 𒂉 𒉡𒌒𒂉𒊑


I don't think people on this forum at least are xenophobic. Modern Chinese immigrants are often multi-millionaire jetsetters so Chinese neighbourhoods are likely where it's going to appear, nothing about genetics.

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.

UnfortunateSexFart posted:

I don't think people on this forum at least are xenophobic.

You would be mistaken. :sigh:

Although I will agree the instances of it are far lower that the rest of the internet, though that's unintentionally damning with faint praise.

Chuka Umana
Apr 30, 2019

by sebmojo
I'm starting to get really bummed out that the "worst case scenario" for 2020 is going to come to fruition, Bernie isn't going to sweep the nomination, it's going to come down to a contested convention, and Trump is going to win by having near unity in his party while Democrats are divided. Meanwhile we're beginning to have a crash as bad as 2008 and a pandemic that could kill off 250 million people.

I don't know what exactly would be the purpose of living if everything goes as bad as it's looking right now.

Ruth Bader Meinhof
Aug 18, 2019

thehandtruck posted:

I'm very sorry about the rejection and would like to offer a short anecdote to hopefully lessen that sinking feeling even a tiny bit:

I worked in human resources for a few years in small to medium sized tech companies. I was present during almost every interview and assisted the hiring manager (usually the lead of the department, sometimes executives) in making the final call. In one interview we were looking for a backend engineer to help with some apps and it had taken one month from him applying to him coming into the office after reviewing his resume, sending it to the hiring manager, phone screening, and finally a code test. The salary was around 100k/yr and the interview took 3 hours total with 2 hours coding with our engineers and about 45 min with me and the hiring manager afterwards for "culture fit".

When I met him he was a little drained after the code test but was decently nice, maybe a tad quiet, definitely nervous, but definitely within the acceptable range to work with 3-4 other people and crank out some code. Typical engineer personality and both me and the HM would have given him the green light except when we quickly regrouped with everyone from the code test portion they said he did terribly. The HM and I were a little bummed but hey if he couldn't do the job and his code wasn't up to par, what can we do right? We ended up hiring some dumbass yangganger who did a terrible job post-hire but nailed the interview. Firing people is a huge chore so we just had everyone work extra to make up for his lovely work and paid overtime to half the engineers. It was probably 500% more expensive than hiring a competent engineer but what the gently caress do I care, it's not my money.

Anyway a few months later our water cooler breaks so I have to walk all the way to the other side of the office (which I rarely go to) in the engineering section to fill my water bottle. I overhear the engineers who did the code test with the original guy and laughing at how badly he did and asking each other why'd he even apply to be a frontend developer. I stopped them and asked to repeat that and it turns out they were testing him as if he was a frontend engineer instead of a backend and obviously that's why he crashed in the code test.

This kind of poo poo happens all the time, everywhere. There are a 1000 nonsense reasons why people get rejected. There's almost no rhyme or reason to it at all (unless you smell bad) and you shouldn't hate yourself for getting rejected because it's total chaos theory. One of my colleagues rejected someone because he didn't want to do the paperwork and he has no incentive for a department he's not connected to to being successful. Another colleague rejected people because he wanted to go with the guy who would talk about "art" with him. The interviewing world is all a complete farce and that job drove me to getting out of the corporate world and into mental health. So it may not make you feel better to know the hiring system and companies are totally loving idiotic, but hopefully you can at least know it's them and not you.

Current recruiter here and this is absolutely true and part of the reason I'm looking to leave the field.

This post also helped me a little bit because I've had no luck since I started interviewing again. So thank you!

Classon Ave. Robot
Oct 7, 2019

by Athanatos

Chuka Umana posted:

I'm starting to get really bummed out that the "worst case scenario" for 2020 is going to come to fruition, Bernie isn't going to sweep the nomination, it's going to come down to a contested convention, and Trump is going to win by having near unity in his party while Democrats are divided. Meanwhile we're beginning to have a crash as bad as 2008 and a pandemic that could kill off 250 million people.

I don't know what exactly would be the purpose of living if everything goes as bad as it's looking right now.

They're bending the knee as we speak, dude. Both Tom Perez and Barack Obama said that whoever wins the plurality should get the nomination. The crash happening now is the best case scenario because the whole system is set up to create them cyclically. It's inevitably going to happen either way, and if it happens now then it won't be blamed on Bernie Sanders when he takes office.

The purpose of living is the same no matter what happens or who's in power, it's to enjoy however much time you've got, whether it's a little bit or a lot.

cool dance moves
Aug 27, 2018


Chuka Umana posted:

I'm starting to get really bummed out that the "worst case scenario" for 2020 is going to come to fruition, Bernie isn't going to sweep the nomination, it's going to come down to a contested convention, and Trump is going to win by having near unity in his party while Democrats are divided. Meanwhile we're beginning to have a crash as bad as 2008 and a pandemic that could kill off 250 million people.

I don't know what exactly would be the purpose of living if everything goes as bad as it's looking right now.

I cant speak for the pandemic or the crash beyond just that those are out of our control, we are all swimming in the riptide of history, find meaning in your daily activities, etc etc. Not the most inspiring stuff. Sorry.

As for feeling nervous about 2020. I know it's something of a meme on cspam, but seriously, if you're not volunteering for the Sanders campaign already, do it. Heres some benefits that I have found through personal experience:

  • I no longer feel like someone looking on helplessly, even if at the end of the day I am in fact beholden to the vagaries of history. perception is every bit as strong as reality in this case
  • I learn how to talk to people and empathize! I see a community forming
  • Gives me something to do. I text for the campaign and I mostly do it when I'm on some brainless, meaningless assignment that would make me feel glum and bitter otherwise
  • Lets me be an idealist. Cspam in particular and hellworld in general is a cynical place that'll beat down your soul unless you have something special to hold on to. For me, its hopping on Spoke a few times a week to hammer out some messages for the bernman
  • it's one of the few things in my life I genuinely feel like I have control over. I can gently caress off and disappear from the texter slack for a couple of days and not worry about it coming back to bite me. Try doing that in any other context! Control is a big part of fighting depression

Bernies victories and the knees bending have already been mentioned, and I'm sure you're just as aware of them as anyone else in this forum. It's one thing to receive information, it's another thing to act on it. If you feel down about how this is turning out, I highly recommend volunteering. I was glum about all this once too. Not anymore. Worst case scenario, you dont like it and you can drop it--and nobody will look down on you for it.

AceOfFlames
Oct 9, 2012

cool dance moves posted:

I cant speak for the pandemic or the crash beyond just that those are out of our control, we are all swimming in the riptide of history, find meaning in your daily activities, etc etc. Not the most inspiring stuff. Sorry.

As for feeling nervous about 2020. I know it's something of a meme on cspam, but seriously, if you're not volunteering for the Sanders campaign already, do it. Heres some benefits that I have found through personal experience:

  • I no longer feel like someone looking on helplessly, even if at the end of the day I am in fact beholden to the vagaries of history. perception is every bit as strong as reality in this case
  • I learn how to talk to people and empathize! I see a community forming
  • Gives me something to do. I text for the campaign and I mostly do it when I'm on some brainless, meaningless assignment that would make me feel glum and bitter otherwise
  • Lets me be an idealist. Cspam in particular and hellworld in general is a cynical place that'll beat down your soul unless you have something special to hold on to. For me, its hopping on Spoke a few times a week to hammer out some messages for the bernman
  • it's one of the few things in my life I genuinely feel like I have control over. I can gently caress off and disappear from the texter slack for a couple of days and not worry about it coming back to bite me. Try doing that in any other context! Control is a big part of fighting depression

Bernies victories and the knees bending have already been mentioned, and I'm sure you're just as aware of them as anyone else in this forum. It's one thing to receive information, it's another thing to act on it. If you feel down about how this is turning out, I highly recommend volunteering. I was glum about all this once too. Not anymore. Worst case scenario, you dont like it and you can drop it--and nobody will look down on you for it.

What about those of us who don't live in the U.S.? I am horribly worried that the EU is going to collapse, I will be kicked out of the Netherlands and be stuck in Portugal waiting until climate change comes and be forced to work in a farm digging in the dirt. I can't relate to most people, and my loner tendencies, zero experience in the romance department and empathy towards people are sure to make me a target. I can't think of a single thing I would like to dedicate myself towards. I just want all this to be over. I lost the game. Why do I have to keep playing?

I did finally manage to get a new therapist though. Hope this one works.

AceOfFlames has issued a correction as of 23:57 on Feb 27, 2020

PsychedelicWarlord
Sep 8, 2016


I haven't been evaluated by a p-doc since I was a kid and I'm wondering how it works these days. This is probably way too broad of a question. My appointment is next week

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.

PsychedelicWarlord posted:

I haven't been evaluated by a p-doc since I was a kid and I'm wondering how it works these days. This is probably way too broad of a question. My appointment is next week

It's pretty much like every doctors appointment: be ready to describe your symptoms honestly. Zero need to be embarrassed, it's like going in because your arm hurts. Gotta get your brain patched up! :haw:

If you're not sure if the extent of your symptoms or your insurance are being goddamn idiots you may need to keep a mood calendar. Pretty much everyone swears by Daylio and it's probably a good idea to keep one anyway if you're depressed or have bipolar.

Meds will take a while if you haven't had them tweaked in a long time. Like, a WHILE, and going through a bunch along the way. Be open to trying new things and take little victories, even if the side effects mean you're going to switch soon. Sometimes all you need is a breather, and knowing something almost worked gets you closer to what will. That being said, they should be able to give you rationale for what they're giving you, why they're giving it to you, and any side effects. You are your own best advocate.

And if all else fails and you just do not get on at all, remember they're a service provider. Keep an open mind and give them a chance, but you're not married to them, and you gotta find a good pdoc if you can. It's essential.

Chuka Umana
Apr 30, 2019

by sebmojo
One of the cruelest aspect of the neoliberal society we've lived in the past 40 years is the denial of participation of the common man in politics under the guise of "meritocracy."

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.

Chuka Umana posted:

One of the cruelest aspect of the neoliberal society we've lived in the past 40 years is the denial of participation of the common man in politics under the guise of "meritocracy."

The hilarious thing is that lg was right about meritocracy being a literal mental illness, it's either sociopathic ladder climbing or self harm manifesting as an obsessive need to better oneself without end

Unsinkabear
Jun 8, 2013

Ensign, raise the beariscope.





Chokes McGee posted:

The hilarious thing is that lg was right about meritocracy being a literal mental illness, it's either sociopathic ladder climbing or self harm manifesting as an obsessive need to better oneself without end

Can you elaborate on this?

thehandtruck posted:

The interviewing world is all a complete farce and that job drove me to getting out of the corporate world and into mental health.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing in the mental health field and how hard was it for you to make that transition?

I'm degreeless so I'm facing an uphill slog no matter which direction I choose, and right now I'm looking at computer networking just for job security (no matter how much automation happens, there's always gonna be servers that need plugging in). But I've always felt drawn to mental health as a field more than anything else... I just didn't feel qualified to work in it, as someone who needs help with my own.

thehandtruck
Mar 5, 2006

the thing about the jews is,

Unsinkabear posted:

If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing in the mental health field and how hard was it for you to make that transition?

I'm degreeless so I'm facing an uphill slog no matter which direction I choose, and right now I'm looking at computer networking just for job security (no matter how much automation happens, there's always gonna be servers that need plugging in). But I've always felt drawn to mental health as a field more than anything else... I just didn't feel qualified to work in it, as someone who needs help with my own.

Dont wanna doxx myself but its not a hard transition. Regarding you not feeling qualified: 1) All therapists are weirdos and crackpots with issues just like everyone else. One of my professors used to ask, "What was your family system like that made you need to become a therapist?" Therapists are the one's who got squeezed out of society, and their fuckedupness is what helps them know how to help other people's fuckedupness. What's that Jung quote? "Bring me a sane man and I'll cure him."

2) Anyone can be a therapist. I know people love to gatekeep their jobs but the truth is 99% of people can do 99% of jobs, therapists are no different. Sure you learn some theories and treatments in school and while getting your hours but imo the hardest work is on yourself, to prevent unwanted countertransference and give good treatment in the room.

All the non hosed up people just became normies, how boring is that? Go get yourself a brain degree.

thehandtruck has issued a correction as of 10:50 on Feb 28, 2020

Zeriel
Nov 6, 2004

Unsinkabear posted:

Can you elaborate on this?


If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing in the mental health field and how hard was it for you to make that transition?

I'm degreeless so I'm facing an uphill slog no matter which direction I choose, and right now I'm looking at computer networking just for job security (no matter how much automation happens, there's always gonna be servers that need plugging in). But I've always felt drawn to mental health as a field more than anything else... I just didn't feel qualified to work in it, as someone who needs help with my own.

This is just one opinion and your city could be different but I work in computer networking and job security isn't a thing. You'll get tons of offers from scammy contractors and offers from a few good ones. The two biggest employers in my area (just one after May because they're closing shop here) are notorious for how often they do mass layoffs.

PsychedelicWarlord
Sep 8, 2016


Chokes McGee posted:

It's pretty much like every doctors appointment: be ready to describe your symptoms honestly. Zero need to be embarrassed, it's like going in because your arm hurts. Gotta get your brain patched up! :haw:

If you're not sure if the extent of your symptoms or your insurance are being goddamn idiots you may need to keep a mood calendar. Pretty much everyone swears by Daylio and it's probably a good idea to keep one anyway if you're depressed or have bipolar.

Meds will take a while if you haven't had them tweaked in a long time. Like, a WHILE, and going through a bunch along the way. Be open to trying new things and take little victories, even if the side effects mean you're going to switch soon. Sometimes all you need is a breather, and knowing something almost worked gets you closer to what will. That being said, they should be able to give you rationale for what they're giving you, why they're giving it to you, and any side effects. You are your own best advocate.

And if all else fails and you just do not get on at all, remember they're a service provider. Keep an open mind and give them a chance, but you're not married to them, and you gotta find a good pdoc if you can. It's essential.

Thanks, Chokes. I was kind of nervous about it but this makes me feel better. Gonna view it like a normal doctor appointment :)

Ruth Bader Meinhof
Aug 18, 2019
I'm legitimately on the verge of cracking at my current job.

I don't want to go through all of it because it's such a long laundry list: sexual harassment, bullying, a work environment that has caused TWO hospital stays, lovely co-workers, and yet all of this and I'm still the best recruiter we have, but I've finally reached my limit. They've shoveled work onto us when we're hobbled and down two people, which means I'm having to do 2 or 3 jobs. I even told my director what was going on and she kinda shrugged.

I'm looking for what to do about it, but I'm having no luck. But I legitimately have to talk myself into staying every day, which I'm luckily able to do because other than my job, I'm way less of a mess. I'm begging for work help and getting nothing.

But like, the best lead I've had in forever is a warehouse, and I've never worked that physically demanding of a job. And I'm afraid I'll get fired from this job I don't have AND the job I do. And the worst part is I can't do anything more than, I dunno, throw applications at a wall. I know nobody in my field.

I'm trying to stay afloat long enough so I can go back to school and become a teacher. And I honestly have doubts I can even do that.

Mackers
Jan 16, 2012

Ruth Bader Meinhof posted:

I'm legitimately on the verge of cracking at my current job.

I don't want to go through all of it because it's such a long laundry list: sexual harassment, bullying, a work environment that has caused TWO hospital stays, lovely co-workers, and yet all of this and I'm still the best recruiter we have, but I've finally reached my limit. They've shoveled work onto us when we're hobbled and down two people, which means I'm having to do 2 or 3 jobs. I even told my director what was going on and she kinda shrugged.

I'm looking for what to do about it, but I'm having no luck. But I legitimately have to talk myself into staying every day, which I'm luckily able to do because other than my job, I'm way less of a mess. I'm begging for work help and getting nothing.

But like, the best lead I've had in forever is a warehouse, and I've never worked that physically demanding of a job. And I'm afraid I'll get fired from this job I don't have AND the job I do. And the worst part is I can't do anything more than, I dunno, throw applications at a wall. I know nobody in my field.

I'm trying to stay afloat long enough so I can go back to school and become a teacher. And I honestly have doubts I can even do that.

have you considered suing those fuckin bastards

Unsinkabear
Jun 8, 2013

Ensign, raise the beariscope.





Zeriel posted:

This is just one opinion and your city could be different but I work in computer networking and job security isn't a thing. You'll get tons of offers from scammy contractors and offers from a few good ones. The two biggest employers in my area (just one after May because they're closing shop here) are notorious for how often they do mass layoffs.

Afaik that's pretty much every industry these days, no? I meant "job security" in the sense that the career as a whole will probably survive the coming AI/automation revolution... not necessarily that each individual position will be secure. I'm willing to settle for a job that I just know will continue to EXIST, because my current job almost certainly won't. I do a hybrid role of social media management, which on its own doesn't pay super well, and digital marketing, which is guaranteed to go through seismic changes in the near future.

I'm just trying to play the odds and find something that's big-picture safe and I don't loathe. I don't have any savings to fall back on and I'm just now starting to get my life together. So whatever I invest my little remaining learning in needs to stay viable, or springboard to something else that will. If it doesn't, I'm gonna have a real hard time. I feel like Indiana Jones trying to choose the right cup. :ohdear:

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.

Unsinkabear posted:

Can you elaborate on this?

I can, so long as you understand that I am a dumb person on the internet and my opinions are probably also dumb


We had a regular poster in CSPAM before the New Year's Eve Massacre named Lastgirl who was basically the heart and soul of the subforum for years. One of her favorite sayings is that "meritocracy is a mental illness," and quite frankly, I've found the "Push a little farther strive a little harder reach for the stars" bullshit to be at leat 75% of the causes of misery in my life, so I'm inclined to agree.


PsychedelicWarlord posted:

Thanks, Chokes. I was kind of nervous about it but this makes me feel better. Gonna view it like a normal doctor appointment :)

Hell yeah. Go get em :)

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.
Parents calling, potentially using a routine operation to guilt me into thinking my mom is on her deathbed and getting me to apologize for being an abuse victim

Having a real normal one today

Unsinkabear
Jun 8, 2013

Ensign, raise the beariscope.





Chokes McGee posted:

Parents calling, potentially using a routine operation to guilt me into thinking my mom is on her deathbed and getting me to apologize for being an abuse victim

Having a real normal one today

It's not your fault. :glomp:

cool dance moves
Aug 27, 2018


Chokes McGee posted:

Parents calling, potentially using a routine operation to guilt me into thinking my mom is on her deathbed and getting me to apologize for being an abuse victim

Having a real normal one today

You are a loved and respected member of this community, buddy! You are cool and good

thehandtruck
Mar 5, 2006

the thing about the jews is,

Chokes McGee posted:

Parents calling, potentially using a routine operation to guilt me into thinking my mom is on her deathbed and getting me to apologize for being an abuse victim

Having a real normal one today

Sunday Funday!

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.

thehandtruck posted:

Sunday Funday!

Super Tuesday more like Super BLUESday!












:smith:

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.
Seriously though thank you all for your kind words. My wife's family loves me and her mom is Facebook friends with mine from the time of our wedding, so we have spies in place, and it appears the operation already happened and went fine like two days ago. :cripes:

They may have hosed up their last chance to see me with this stunt

Probably not though because I'm a sucker sentimentalist

Zvahl
Oct 14, 2005

научный кот
This is the first weekend I've actually been sober since November, and before that, July. I managed 2 weeks in July and a whopping 3 in November, lol.

I had to stop because I flew too close to the sun last weekend, I got a neuropathy in my left hand after honestly doing too much speed and the whole pad of my left thumb and index finger are kinda hosed, and I lost a lot of my grip strength doing it too, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I just guess I have to hope it eases off, even though I'm fat I'm pretty sure it's not diabetic (like I'd loving know) and that means I done hosed some nerves up, and my entire life is probably worth less than a trip to a neurologist

All that ever makes me stop is a hard crash like this. It won't stick. I'll just gently caress up again and then my goddamn hand will be gone. Just in a loving way I can hide like I've always hidden every drug problem, every mental illness, just deeply loving competent at lying and all it gets me is hosed.

This seems so pointless and stupid. I'm going to gently caress it up again. All that I'm going to get by trying to fix anything by myself are bleak empty swathes of time with nothing in them which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place. All trying to get better to do will make sure I'm miserable 100% of the time. I have no support at all. Nobody's loving impressed or cares about putting in effort to achieve something like not doing loving speed which most people do without trying. Then when you gently caress it up or act miserable succeeding, why the gently caress would anybody have anything good to say? I'm a fuckup and I can't even fix things without loving it up. I'm the most miserable sack of poo poo around sober. I just sleep and cry. Is that what I'm trying to get better for?

The recovery rate for this poo poo is like 30% after 2 years of therapy, lol. Even if I succeeded, it'd be at such a crippling expense, and I probably wouldn't. Hell, I should know better than that. Everything I've ever succeeded at has ended far worse than my failures. I'd succeed at quitting drugs and just be the worst person in the world to ever be around, somehow even more of a goddamn wet blanket than I am now. At least now I don't inflict myself on anybody but my bf who deserves better and random hookups who don't have to put up with me talking too much.

idk, I'm not going to hurt myself or anything, this just feels so bleak and pointless. I get to sit here thinking about this bad cold numbness in my hand all the time and have a physical reminder that I have nothing but hosed up uselessness in my head and that I'm only ever any good as a work drone. I just want to get help and not have it be people saying 'group therapy is fine' because I know I can't do that, even when I can talk to strangers I absolutely can't talk about myself. The only way I'm even able to do it anonymously online is through a stupid cat avatar and knowing that I am longwinded enough to write a sufficiently staggering wall of text to ensure that most people skim through it.

The only productive thing I did this weekend was donate to Bernie and a local candidate who looks like she means well. I just want to go to the doctor again and not rely on screaming into the void. I feel so alone even with the one person in my life, he deserves so much better, but he doesn't have it.

Arivia
Mar 17, 2011

Zvahl posted:

This is the first weekend I've actually been sober since November, and before that, July. I managed 2 weeks in July and a whopping 3 in November, lol.

I had to stop because I flew too close to the sun last weekend, I got a neuropathy in my left hand after honestly doing too much speed and the whole pad of my left thumb and index finger are kinda hosed, and I lost a lot of my grip strength doing it too, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I just guess I have to hope it eases off, even though I'm fat I'm pretty sure it's not diabetic (like I'd loving know) and that means I done hosed some nerves up, and my entire life is probably worth less than a trip to a neurologist

All that ever makes me stop is a hard crash like this. It won't stick. I'll just gently caress up again and then my goddamn hand will be gone. Just in a loving way I can hide like I've always hidden every drug problem, every mental illness, just deeply loving competent at lying and all it gets me is hosed.

This seems so pointless and stupid. I'm going to gently caress it up again. All that I'm going to get by trying to fix anything by myself are bleak empty swathes of time with nothing in them which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place. All trying to get better to do will make sure I'm miserable 100% of the time. I have no support at all. Nobody's loving impressed or cares about putting in effort to achieve something like not doing loving speed which most people do without trying. Then when you gently caress it up or act miserable succeeding, why the gently caress would anybody have anything good to say? I'm a fuckup and I can't even fix things without loving it up. I'm the most miserable sack of poo poo around sober. I just sleep and cry. Is that what I'm trying to get better for?

The recovery rate for this poo poo is like 30% after 2 years of therapy, lol. Even if I succeeded, it'd be at such a crippling expense, and I probably wouldn't. Hell, I should know better than that. Everything I've ever succeeded at has ended far worse than my failures. I'd succeed at quitting drugs and just be the worst person in the world to ever be around, somehow even more of a goddamn wet blanket than I am now. At least now I don't inflict myself on anybody but my bf who deserves better and random hookups who don't have to put up with me talking too much.

idk, I'm not going to hurt myself or anything, this just feels so bleak and pointless. I get to sit here thinking about this bad cold numbness in my hand all the time and have a physical reminder that I have nothing but hosed up uselessness in my head and that I'm only ever any good as a work drone. I just want to get help and not have it be people saying 'group therapy is fine' because I know I can't do that, even when I can talk to strangers I absolutely can't talk about myself. The only way I'm even able to do it anonymously online is through a stupid cat avatar and knowing that I am longwinded enough to write a sufficiently staggering wall of text to ensure that most people skim through it.

The only productive thing I did this weekend was donate to Bernie and a local candidate who looks like she means well. I just want to go to the doctor again and not rely on screaming into the void. I feel so alone even with the one person in my life, he deserves so much better, but he doesn't have it.

Hey, I read through all of this and didn't skim it. You matter, and you have value beyond just being a work drone. Your boyfriend likes you as a person. He deserves you, and he deserves you happy and healthy. It is a very very hard road, and you're right to acknowledge the challenges you're facing. But they're not insurmountable, and you can work on them. Just stopping doing drugs is a step in and of itself, and talking to a therapist, as crazy as that seems, is a big one too. You can't climb the whole wall at once; just go one foot up after another. Call that therapist, get the help: you deserve it, and you're worth it.

-a person hiding behind a random red text avatar on the internet.

bobtheconqueror
May 10, 2005

Chokes McGee posted:

Probably not though because I'm a sucker sentimentalist

That's a messed up situation. How insane would it be to just be up front about it? Like "I know the operation happened and you're fine. Why did you lie about this?" I'm a sucker for truth and reconciliation myself, so I know that's not always an option.

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.

Zvahl posted:

This is the first weekend I've actually been sober since November, and before that, July. I managed 2 weeks in July and a whopping 3 in November, lol.

I had to stop because I flew too close to the sun last weekend, I got a neuropathy in my left hand after honestly doing too much speed and the whole pad of my left thumb and index finger are kinda hosed, and I lost a lot of my grip strength doing it too, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I just guess I have to hope it eases off, even though I'm fat I'm pretty sure it's not diabetic (like I'd loving know) and that means I done hosed some nerves up, and my entire life is probably worth less than a trip to a neurologist

All that ever makes me stop is a hard crash like this. It won't stick. I'll just gently caress up again and then my goddamn hand will be gone. Just in a loving way I can hide like I've always hidden every drug problem, every mental illness, just deeply loving competent at lying and all it gets me is hosed.

This seems so pointless and stupid. I'm going to gently caress it up again. All that I'm going to get by trying to fix anything by myself are bleak empty swathes of time with nothing in them which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place. All trying to get better to do will make sure I'm miserable 100% of the time. I have no support at all. Nobody's loving impressed or cares about putting in effort to achieve something like not doing loving speed which most people do without trying. Then when you gently caress it up or act miserable succeeding, why the gently caress would anybody have anything good to say? I'm a fuckup and I can't even fix things without loving it up. I'm the most miserable sack of poo poo around sober. I just sleep and cry. Is that what I'm trying to get better for?

The recovery rate for this poo poo is like 30% after 2 years of therapy, lol. Even if I succeeded, it'd be at such a crippling expense, and I probably wouldn't. Hell, I should know better than that. Everything I've ever succeeded at has ended far worse than my failures. I'd succeed at quitting drugs and just be the worst person in the world to ever be around, somehow even more of a goddamn wet blanket than I am now. At least now I don't inflict myself on anybody but my bf who deserves better and random hookups who don't have to put up with me talking too much.

idk, I'm not going to hurt myself or anything, this just feels so bleak and pointless. I get to sit here thinking about this bad cold numbness in my hand all the time and have a physical reminder that I have nothing but hosed up uselessness in my head and that I'm only ever any good as a work drone. I just want to get help and not have it be people saying 'group therapy is fine' because I know I can't do that, even when I can talk to strangers I absolutely can't talk about myself. The only way I'm even able to do it anonymously online is through a stupid cat avatar and knowing that I am longwinded enough to write a sufficiently staggering wall of text to ensure that most people skim through it.

The only productive thing I did this weekend was donate to Bernie and a local candidate who looks like she means well. I just want to go to the doctor again and not rely on screaming into the void. I feel so alone even with the one person in my life, he deserves so much better, but he doesn't have it.

Hi, Zvahl. Firstly I want to commend you for opening up ITT because that's what we're here for. While I'm not legally allowed to call us a group because I'm just a dumdum on the internet with no degree, if you're absolutely opposed to RL, I'd much rather you come in here and share if you feel safer doing so.

Secondly unless I'm in a really bad headspace myself I go out of my way to read every post that comes across the wire in here. So, you're not ranting into a void, if that helps.

Thirdly I wish there was something I could do other than recommend a voluntary in-patient hospital stay because of our hosed up medical system that punishes people for daring to get sick, but if you even have the remotest possibility of feasibility, I would strongly encourage it right now—both for physical and mental rehab. A lot of what you said resonated with what was in my head during my breakdown, and that is (as you don't need me to tell you) not a very good place to be. I would rather risk offending someone with the possibility of helping than watch someone walk the same path I did and actually succeed. :smith:

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.

bobtheconqueror posted:

That's a messed up situation. How insane would it be to just be up front about it? Like "I know the operation happened and you're fine. Why did you lie about this?" I'm a sucker for truth and reconciliation myself, so I know that's not always an option.

Not a chance, I'm dealing with a full-on gaslighting sociopath here. The only thing my mom cares about is getting me to blame myself for the consequences of her lovely actions. The only thing the rest of my family cares about is getting me to stop rocking the boat so their lives are less miserable.

My family is, how do you say in the Americas, not so good.

bobtheconqueror
May 10, 2005

Chokes McGee posted:

My family is, how do you say in the Americas, not so good.

That sucks man. Emotional tyrants are like my least favorite people. Can't fix anything if you can't talk through it, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

However you decide to deal with it, good luck!

Unsinkabear
Jun 8, 2013

Ensign, raise the beariscope.





Zvahl posted:

I'm the most miserable sack of poo poo around sober. I just sleep and cry. Is that what I'm trying to get better for?

The shittiest thing about addiction is that it rewrites your brain so heavily that you forget how to exist outside of it. I struggle with this too, every time I quit my life just feels so boring and empty and devoid of joy.

But this IS temporary. Just like after a breakup you need to cry your heart out before you can start putting yourself together, you have to go through that lovely dull emptiness in order to start noticing the little things that make you feel like a person again, and even in some cases give you a little tiny spark joy which you can gradually grow. It's agonizingly slow, and you will stumble and gently caress it up. But when you get back up and back on the wagon, you'll start further along than you did the last time.

And every time, that spark of joy that you're able to get from other little things will get a little bigger.

I know this process probably doesn't sound super appealing right now, but I want you to know that that lovely wet blanket feeling DOES lead somewhere else. And I can tell you that as much of a struggle as it has been, even with the seemingly small amount of progress I have made so far (and don't trust your own evaluation, I share your feelings but my therapist says what I'm doing is huge), it has also been the most rewarding journey of my entire life.


P.S. Arivia is right: your boyfriend likes you as a person and wants to be there for you. As someone whose wife is not understanding or supportive in this regard, trust me... you would know. :smith: And if he still likes you and wants to be there, that means you likely deserve him a lot more than you think you do. :glomp:

mekyabetsu
Dec 17, 2018

Chokes McGee posted:

Secondly unless I'm in a really bad headspace myself I go out of my way to read every post that comes across the wire in here. So, you're not ranting into a void, if that helps.

I just want to echo this. I don't post in here too often, but I do read every post. It helps that this thread moves slowly.

I always feel bad when I see a heartfelt post from someone struggling that gets little or no response. In my case, it's usually because I either genuinely don't know what to say or I think that anything I say wouldn't be helpful (or worse, harmful), and replying "same, hope you feel better soon" reads as insincere to me. Message boards are a bad format for this kind of thing.

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is pepsi ok
Oct 23, 2002

I think today is the day I'm done with the corporate world. I made it 13 years. I can't do this anymore. I cried in my car during lunch.

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