PYF Thing You Just Realized: Everyday someone on Earth takes the world's biggest shit

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF Thing You Just Realized: Everyday someone on Earth takes the world's biggest shit

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500excf type r: Mar 7, 2013; I'm as annoying as the high-pitched whine of my motorcycle, desperately compensating for the lack of substance in my life.

its called tuesday because it is the second day of the week

# ? Mar 24, 2020 13:24

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# ? May 16, 2024 00:25

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

500excf type r posted:

its called tuesday because it is the second day of the week

Also Friday is because it's when you get off work (free) and Sunday because it's a good day for lounging in the sun

# ? Mar 24, 2020 13:27

Failed Imagineer: Sep 22, 2018

Thursday, literally "the third day"

# ? Mar 24, 2020 13:37

Snowglobe of Doom: Mar 30, 2012; sucks to be right

October got it's name because it's the tenth month, and then when Germans hold their beer festivals (Oktoberfests)

# ? Mar 24, 2020 14:00

Henchman of Santa: Aug 21, 2010

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

October got it's name because it's the tenth month, and then when Germans hold their beer festivals (Oktoberfests)

Octo means 8, and it was the 8th month until Augustus Caesar added two more to the calendar, if I remember my history correctly. see also the prefixes for September, November and December.

# ? Mar 24, 2020 14:03

TK-42-1: Oct 30, 2013; looks like we have a bad transmitter

Henchman of Santa posted:

Octo means 8, and it was the 8th month until Augustus Caesar added two more to the calendar, if I remember my history correctly. see also the prefixes for September, November and December.

This can't be true people can't just add months to the calendar thats crazy talk.

# ? Mar 24, 2020 15:14

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

TK-42-1 posted:

This can't be true people can't just add months to the calendar thats crazy talk.

throw this man to the lions

# ? Mar 24, 2020 15:21

beanieson: Sep 25, 2008; I had the opportunity to change literally anything about the world and I used it to get a new av

I decree there to be 13, 28 day, months. When October is over we shall have Beantember in my honor.

# ? Mar 24, 2020 15:26

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

This thread is really great when people poo poo it up with lame FW:fwd:fw:fwd-caliber factoids that nobody under 60 actually believes. Now do one about Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden!

# ? Mar 24, 2020 15:45

SneezeOfTheDecade: Feb 6, 2011; gettin' covid all
over your posts

Henchman of Santa posted:

Octo means 8, and it was the 8th month until Augustus Caesar added two more to the calendar, if I remember my history correctly. see also the prefixes for September, November and December.

The actual history is much, much dumber, and I'll take any opportunity to tell people about it:

SneezeOfTheDecade posted:

Okay! A brief divergence on calendars, which I originally wrote to answer the question:

�Why isn�t the new year on the winter solstice?�

The answer, honestly, is that the Romans had no loving idea how to run a calendar.

Like, seriously, people notice "OCTOber" and "DECEMber" and say, "hey, those mean 'eight' and 'ten', but they're the 10th and 12th months, what's up with that?".

If you've got a little more history, you'll know that July and August are named after Julius and Augustus Caesar, and think, "oh, they added those two months and bumped the rest of the months back."

Nope. The Romans were way, way worse at calendars than that.

July and August were actually originally Quintilis and Sextilis - the fifth month and the sixth month. They were called this because the year traditionally started in March. So they had Martius, Aprilis, Maius, Junius, Quintilis, Sextilis, September, October, November, December.

Martius was named for Mars; Junius was named for Juno. We have no idea what Aprilis and Maius were named after. (No, really. We have some clues but beyond that it's just guesswork.) Then they got lazy and just numbered the months.

"But wait," you ask, "what about January and February?" Hold onto your butts, because calling the months by their numbers? Not even close to the laziest the Roman calendar got.

Between the end of December and the beginning of Martius were 50-odd intercalary days. They didn't have months associated with them. They were just sort of there.

I swear I am not making this up.

In addition, each month had either 30 or 31 days. I was going to say "alternated between" but I looked it up and nope, the Romans decided that was too easy, so it actually went:

* Martius 31
* Aprilis 30
* Maius 31
* Junius 30
* Quintilis 31
* Sextilis 30
* September 30
* October 31
* November 30
* December 30
* intercalary 51

Okay. This is where we are at the beginning of the Roman Republic.

Look at that. Remember it. You will look back on this and say "actually, that makes sense" after what comes next.

At the beginning of the Roman Republic, the Senate decided to fix the calendar. This was for two reasons:

1) The Romans thought the Greeks kicked rear end, and wanted to emulate their calendar.

2) Count those days. You will notice that they add up to 355, which means that each year is actually ten (and change) days shorter than an actual solar year - which meant that by the time of the Republic, March was somewhere in the autumn.

So the Senate decided to do some reforming. They added two brand-new months to the calendar, Januarius and Februarius. Januarius was named after Janus, because his holiday fell about a week into the new month. (Janus was the god of doorways. We'll come back to him.) February was named after the Februa, a feast that fell in the middle of the new month and that had, in fact, long since been replaced by Lupercalia, an identical feast on the same date with a different name For Reasons.

The Senate also added an intercalary month, Mercedonius, the Month of Wages.

Yes, an intercalary month. I want to make sure that's clear.

They also changed the lengths of the months to better fit the Greek system. The Greeks had largely lunar months, so they alternated between 29-day and 30-day months. Once again, the Romans said, "you know, we like this, but it's too easy".

Look, the next part is going to go into "what the hell was wrong with them?" territory, just warning you.

This is the calendar the Roman Senate ended up with:

* Januarius 29
* Februarius 23
* Mercedonius 23
* THE REST OF FEBRUARIUS NO I AM NOT KIDDING 5
* Martius 31
* Aprilis 29
* Maius 31
* Junius 29
* Quintilis 31
* Sextilis 29
* September 29
* October 31
* November 29
* December 29

See what I meant about Mercedonius being an intercalary month? It's literally in the middle of February. Like, they got 3/4 of the way through February, got bored, and decided to do something else for a month and come back later.

Also, the Romans had caught on to leap years by this point, so every fourth year, Februarius had an extra day on the end, bringing its total to 29.

I want to be clear, though, that while they'd caught on to leap days, they still had not caught on to the length of the drat year. Count those days again: it's 378. By the time of poor Gaius Julius Caesar in 46 BC, the calendar was so hosed up that he needed three intercalary months to right it again.

Bonus: the priesthood - who until not long before Julius controlled the release of the calendar, meaning that people paid attention to them to know when the months started - would extend or contract years to keep politicians (who were on yearly terms) they liked in power or force politicians they didn't like out early.

The Julian reform

- which was ordered by our friend G.Jiddy but not, as far as we know, actually created by him - did three important things.

First, it added those three intercalary months to put the year back where it was supposed to be (March had slid around to the dead of winter).

Second, it got rid of Mercedonius, putting the year back at 355 days.

Third, it scattered ten new days throughout the year, which gave us the calendar we know today.

Julius's reforms still weren't quite right - the length of a year is just a fraction shorter than 365.25 days, which forced the Gregorian reform of 1582. But it was good enough for government work, as they say.

(Incidentally, the Senate voted after Gaius Julius Caesar's death to rename Quintilis after him because he was born then, and likewise Sextilis after Augustus Caesar. The Caesars themselves had little to do with it. I mean, obviously G. Jiddy couldn't possibly have; he was dead at the time.)

So remember how we were talking about why the year doesn't start on the winter solstice?

A couple reasons. First, it never did (in the Roman tradition, anyway). It originally started in March, which contained the spring equinox but didn't start on it.

The start of the year was moved back to January for political reasons. Remember Janus, the god of doorways? It was considered auspicious for consuls to change out near his festival. His festival was nearest the kalends of January (that is, the first day of the month). So consuls wanted to start on the kalends of Januarius so they could start their term with an offering to the god of doorways, who would then grant an auspicious transition between consuls.

So why didn't the kalends of Januarius get moved back to the winter solstice? Because people like to party.

See, the Romans celebrated Saturnalia, and the pagans* celebrated something similar to Yule. Saturnalia was originally on the 18th of December (or, as the Romans would have measured it, the 13th/12th/14th day before the kalends of Januarius), but it expanded, becoming a week-long event. This was partly because, well, people liked a party at the end of the calendar year (not to be confused with the end of the actual year pre-Republic) and partly because it was, consciously or not, taking over "Yule".

Moving the kalends of Januarius back to the winter solstice would have necessarily moved Saturnalia away from the winter solstice - and the people who'd been celebrating "Yule" and were now celebrating Saturnalia didn't want that. So Saturnalia stayed where it was, and Januarius stayed where it was. And that's why the new year doesn't start on the winter solstice.

* (For the sake of clarity: I use "pagan" as the Romans would have; "paganus" meant someone who lived outside the city and practiced a non-Roman religion.)

# ? Mar 24, 2020 15:56

beanieson: Sep 25, 2008; I had the opportunity to change literally anything about the world and I used it to get a new av

SneezeOfTheDecade posted:

The actual history is much, much dumber, and I'll take any opportunity to tell people about it:

This is neat, thank you

# ? Mar 24, 2020 16:47

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

beanieson posted:

This is neat, thank you

Seconded, thanks.

# ? Mar 24, 2020 18:26

Phy: Jun 27, 2008; Fun Shoe

I'm rather in favour of having an entire-rear end other month in the middle of February, February sucks

# ? Mar 24, 2020 18:33

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

I don�t think extending February so it lasts 60 days is the way to go about getting through it quicker.

# ? Mar 24, 2020 18:41

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

SneezeOfTheDecade posted:

The actual history is much, much dumber, and I'll take any opportunity to tell people about it:

Lmao this incredible

# ? Mar 24, 2020 18:55

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

I have an important business question from business people. Can we have an intercalary month starting now and ending sometime when the economy is back so that I can still get my Q1 bonus?

# ? Mar 24, 2020 18:58

Lincoln: May 12, 2007; Ladies.

September, 1963 (the "Oh what a night" song) is The Four Seasons, not KC and the Sunshine Band.

# ? Mar 24, 2020 20:18

Phy: Jun 27, 2008; Fun Shoe

Torquemada posted:

I don�t think extending February so it lasts 60 days is the way to go about getting through it quicker.

No, see, you break it up into smaller more manageable chunks. A whole month of February is rough going, even at two days shorter than a usual month. But three weeks of February, and then a month of Smarch, and then just seven more days of Feb? I think I could just about handle that.

# ? Mar 24, 2020 21:06

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

Just when you thought you were out (of February), they pull you back in!

# ? Mar 25, 2020 00:06

TK-42-1: Oct 30, 2013; looks like we have a bad transmitter

Torquemada posted:

Just when you thought you were out (of February), they pull you back in!

Lousy Smarch weather. :argh:

# ? Mar 25, 2020 01:30

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

walrusman posted:

This thread is really great when people poo poo it up with lame FW:fwd:fw:fwd-caliber factoids that nobody under 60 actually believes. Now do one about Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden!

without our lame FW:fwd:fw:fwd-caliber factoids that nobody under 60 actually believes we would never have learned about the Roman calendar together, sir

# ? Mar 25, 2020 01:37

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

If the month wherein you have Yule isn't called Yule Month then you're calendar is poo poo and you should feel bad and the Yule Goat will eat you.

# ? Mar 25, 2020 02:55

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

The Yule Goat will probably eat you anyway. This is possibly good?

# ? Mar 25, 2020 02:56

FreudianSlippers: Apr 12, 2010; Shooting and Fucking
are the same thing!

I prefer the Yule Cat as he only eats those who receive no clothes amongst their Yule presents.

# ? Mar 25, 2020 03:16

Baron von Eevl: Jan 24, 2005; WHITE NOISE
GENERATOR
🔊😴

Lincoln posted:

September, 1963 (the "Oh what a night" song) is The Four Seasons, not KC and the Sunshine Band.

You can be forgiven for that because it's unreasonably disco and because Frankie Vallie didn't even sing lead on the verses because his voice had gone to poo poo by then.

# ? Mar 25, 2020 05:28

Len: Jan 21, 2008; Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!

zedprime posted:

I have an important business question from business people. Can we have an intercalary month starting now and ending sometime when the economy is back so that I can still get my Q1 bonus?

Things I just learned,

Some people work at jobs where they get a Bonus which Google tells me is free money they get just for going to work on top of their normal pay.

# ? Mar 25, 2020 07:00

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Len posted:

Things I just learned,

Some people work at jobs where they get a Bonus which Google tells me is free money they get just for going to work on top of their normal pay.

"work"

# ? Mar 25, 2020 10:51

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

Lincoln posted:

September, 1963 (the "Oh what a night" song) is The Four Seasons, not KC and the Sunshine Band.

The song was originally November, 1963 (Oh what a day) but they had to change it

# ? Mar 25, 2020 10:51

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

purple death ray posted:

"work"

C'mon, plenty of blue collar jobs get bonuses as well. You're going to tell me an underground driller at a gold mine doing 12 hour days isn't "working"?

# ? Mar 25, 2020 10:54

gschmidl: Sep 3, 2011; watch with knife hands

SneezeOfTheDecade posted:

the priesthood - who until not long before Julius controlled the release of the calendar, meaning that people paid attention to them to know when the months started - would extend or contract years to keep politicians (who were on yearly terms) they liked in power or force politicians they didn't like out early.

Can we please have this back?

# ? Mar 25, 2020 10:55

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Memento posted:

C'mon, plenty of blue collar jobs get bonuses as well. You're going to tell me an underground driller at a gold mine doing 12 hour days isn't "working"?

I mean my job still gives me a Christmas bonus but referring to it as your Q1 bonus suggests you get several of them, very strong investment banker energy. I'd be pleasantly surprised to learn that miners get paid that decently in 2020

# ? Mar 25, 2020 11:00

Len: Jan 21, 2008; Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!

Assuming that tax program that benefits big business but not individuals sticks around in 2 years I'll get my 5 year anniversary bonus of $100. They only created that last year though

# ? Mar 25, 2020 11:16

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

gschmidl posted:

Can we please have this back?

Yes except not loving priests.

# ? Mar 25, 2020 11:29

Hyperlynx: Sep 13, 2015

purple death ray posted:

I mean my job still gives me a Christmas bonus but referring to it as your Q1 bonus suggests you get several of them, very strong investment banker energy. I'd be pleasantly surprised to learn that miners get paid that decently in 2020

Miners make loving shittons, mate. In Australia there's lots of fly-in-fly-out miners, and they're very well paid. Less so now that the mining boom is over, I guess, but I bet they're still doing well.

https://www.seek.com.au/mining-jobs?salaryrange=100000-999999&salarytype=annual

(actually, holy gently caress I didn't realise just how well. I set that filter to $100k/yr minimum, and even trainee jobs are showing up).

e: loving Jeepers.

Hyperlynx has a new favorite as of 11:40 on Mar 25, 2020

# ? Mar 25, 2020 11:37

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

That's really nice. I'm in America so I assume anybody who does anything useful or dangerous gets min wage and a green cookie on st. patricks day

# ? Mar 25, 2020 13:33

Len: Jan 21, 2008; Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!

purple death ray posted:

That's really nice. I'm in America so I assume anybody who does anything useful or dangerous gets min wage and a green cookie on st. patricks day

My job falls into the guidelines of essential even though we aren't a food or pharmacy warehouse. So I'm coming to work every day and interacting with ltl and tl carriers and their paperwork that has seen who knows how many hands, across who knows how many states and just have to grin and bear it. My bosses who have decided to keep us open are all working from home right now and sending daily emails about how strong we are as a company and how they know we'll do the smart thing and call of if we think we're sick.

Did they relax the no fault attendance point system? Ehhhh if you're confirmed to have corona you won't get any points but you have to be confirmed to have it. Anything else and it's a point a day 10 points is instant termination.

In short, roll out the guillotines because gently caress these people.

I'll have a 4 for 4 no onions please

# ? Mar 25, 2020 14:59

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

Len posted:

My job falls into the guidelines of essential even though we aren't a food or pharmacy warehouse. So I'm coming to work every day and interacting with ltl and tl carriers and their paperwork that has seen who knows how many hands, across who knows how many states and just have to grin and bear it. My bosses who have decided to keep us open are all working from home right now and sending daily emails about how strong we are as a company and how they know we'll do the smart thing and call of if we think we're sick.

Did they relax the no fault attendance point system? Ehhhh if you're confirmed to have corona you won't get any points but you have to be confirmed to have it. Anything else and it's a point a day 10 points is instant termination.

In short, roll out the guillotines because gently caress these people.

I'll have a 4 for 4 no onions please

yea I work in SCS and the poo poo I'm building now is definitely not essential, but the company in general is so they get away with keeping everyone on

I got a nice speech about how everyone should be grateful they're still working and the unemployment office has lines

boss even went so far as to say that they've put up more hand sanitizing stations and that if anyone has any other "crazy" requests to let him know, before catching himself and saying "nevermind, not crazy"

# ? Mar 25, 2020 16:37

TK-42-1: Oct 30, 2013; looks like we have a bad transmitter

Baron von Eevl posted:

You can be forgiven for that because it's unreasonably disco and because Frankie Vallie didn't even sing lead on the verses because his voice had gone to poo poo by then.

I like how it�s just a song about that guy finally getting laid.

# ? Mar 25, 2020 17:44

Mister Mind: Mar 20, 2009; I'm not a real doctor,
But I am a real worm;
I am an actual worm

Lincoln posted:

September, 1963 (the "Oh what a night" song) is The Four Seasons, not KC and the Sunshine Band.

Wait until You Just Figure Out it�s December, 1963.

# ? Mar 25, 2020 18:37

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# ? May 16, 2024 00:25

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

cows have horizontal slit pupils like goats, it's just hard to tell because their irises are so dark

# ? Mar 25, 2020 22:12

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