Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Okay, so maybe I just hate Burger King? I had a meat sandwich of some kind in Korea and I remember the bun was the consistency of a yoga mat.

Iron Crowned posted:

That's Subway's speciality

quote:

The little pillow now mostly built, he pours more sugar on top of it and then produces the top half of a bun, which he hollows out, places it on top of the rest of whatever the hell this thing is, and…begins burning the top of the bun with the giant novelty lighter. “I’m just gonna do the initials.…”

“You look like you’re cooking meth,” I say, because he does.

“I’m really trying to sell this company. I’m doing this for my brand.”

At this point, he accidentally ignites one of his latex gloves, which promptly melts onto his palm. He yells in pain. Then he gingerly holds up the finished product: some approximation of a P, followed by a C, for Piccolini Cuscino, burned into the top of a hamburger bun.

He starts wrapping the whole thing up with more aluminum foil, and then compacts it, and then wraps it some more, and then squeezes it again. Suddenly he stops: “Can you actually put foil in an oven?”

I say yes, you can, but what you absolutely cannot do is put foil in a microwave. And he says cool, cool, and then he goes looking for his oven, which he’s never used before, and this is a nice house, so there are multiple options, and the one he settles on, well: It looks like another microwave to me. He assures me it is not.

“I reckon probably…10 minutes?”

He puts the aluminum sphere, the little pillow, into what he thinks is an oven and I think is a microwave. He attempts to turn it on. “I actually knew how to do this before,” he tells me. “I literally did this yesterday. And now it’s just impossible. It’s going to look like I can’t cook at all.”

He fumbles at some more buttons. “Oh, oh, oh,” he says, excitedly now. “A thousand watts, there you go.”

Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He’s giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound.

“The loving electricity…oh, my God,” he says, still on the floor. And then, with a loud, final bang, the oven/microwave goes dark.

In the silence, Pattinson and I both stare at the mysterious piece of machinery built into the wall behind him.

“Yeah, I think I have to leave that alone,” he says, sighing again, picking himself off the floor. “But that is a Piccolini Cuscino.”

chitoryu12 posted:

https://twitter.com/ephwinslow/status/1260195142725754880?s=21

quote:

Pattinson: Yesterday I was just googling, I was going on YouTube to see how to microwave pasta. [laughs]

GQ: That’s not a thing.
Put it in a bowl and microwave it. That is how to microwave pasta. And also it really, really isn’t a thing. It’s really actually quite revolting. But I mean, who would have thought that it actually makes it taste disgusting?

How are you actually surviving?
I’m essentially on a meal plan for Batman. Thank God. I don’t know what I’d be doing other than that. But I mean, yeah, other than—I can survive. I’ll have oatmeal with, like, vanilla protein powder on it. And I will barely even mix it up. It’s extraordinarily easy. Like, I eat out of cans and stuff. I’ll literally put Tabasco inside a tuna can and just eat it out of the can.

You’ve been training all your life for this, apparently.
I… It is weird, but my preferences are…just sort of eat like a wild animal. [laughs] Like, out of a trash can.

chitoryu12 posted:

The entire article is a loving trip. This guy just accidentally became a celebrity and doesn't give a poo poo.

Raw, they smell like cat food. That smell disappeared when they were cooked, fortunately.

They certainly look like meat. But they taste like... very little. The one word I would use to describe them is bland. If you want two words, very bland. I thought maybe they just needed salt, but rather than bringing out any flavour in the burger it just made it taste a bit salty.

There was a hint of something familiar - I was vaguely reminded of eggs - but the closest thing I could compare them to are the absolute cheapest supermarket sausages. The ones that are composed entirely of gristle, fat and sawdust. I think if you gave them to someone who didn't know what they were, they'd probably think they were made of meat, but they'd wonder why you served them such low quality burgers. Like, "Did I offend them? Are they broke? Do they just not know any better?"

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Holy poo poo, it's a good thing he's cute.

Pomp posted:

wtf are you talking about this is why he's cute

The Glumslinger posted:

https://twitter.com/YoniFreedhoff/s...ingawful.com%2F

Iron Crowned posted:

Frozen meals tell you to leave it in the microwave for 1-3 minutes so you can't sue them for steam burns.

There's reason that everything has a million warnings on the package, yet there will always be someone who stumbles through the holes, and occasionally someone who leaps headfirst through them.

rodbeard posted:

No you let food rest to make sure everything has come to an even temperature. The instructions on the package are because people that understand the concept generally aren't eating microwave meals. You're mixing that up with the excuse McDonald's made up after they ignored people telling them their coffee was too hot until a coffee spill melted someone's vagina shut.

d3lness posted:

I still can't believe that they kept coffee that loving hot. It also bothers me that a striking majority think it was her fault for spilling the coffee because that's how media outlets were all representing it.

LifeSunDeath posted:

It's because McDonalds spent a gazillion dollars to smear that lady...she had 3rd degree burns all over her crotch and almost died of sepsis in hospital...it was not a minor loving burn...but people still act like she was trying to win lawsuit lottery.

TheAardvark posted:

It's one of those pet peeves of mine that I can't stop myself from refuting every time I see an idiot friend on Facebook or whatever post about it. It's enraging.

chitoryu12 posted:

The entire article is a loving trip. This guy just accidentally became a celebrity and doesn't give a poo poo.

Pattinson posted:

Like, I eat out of cans and stuff. I’ll literally put Tabasco inside a tuna can and just eat it out of the can.

TotalLossBrain posted:

There is nothing wrong with this practice

chitoryu12 posted:

https://twitter.com/jocelynseip/status/1260002410325368832?s=21

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I already told you guys about the Dad Burrito, but to reiterate: refried beans and hot sauce from a can ain't half bad.

Dewgy posted:

I mean... coleslaw at the store is just a bag of pre-chopped cabbage, so this isn't really that absurd.

DrBouvenstein posted:

I worked with a guy a couple years, and everyday for lunch he ate half can of Goya black beans, microwaved with a bunch of Cholula chipotle flavor hot sauce, and eaten with a pita.

Every day. No variation.

redgubbinz posted:

For the people that say hunger is the best sauce, I must ask have you tried... chronic depression?

Can o' refried beans, tortillas and hot sauce from Aldi, if you're feeling frisky go ahead and microwave them beans. For a special occasion, heat the tortilla and add shredded cheese.

zedprime posted:

Hot sauce and beans are good depression (economic or mental health) tacos.