- nut
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the internet of things is a revolutionary move in the technology cutting edge world. finally, after years of you asking for it, you got it.
the internet of things offers unprecedented access between your things. at last, my fridge can speak to my toilet, to ask it what it’s like in the bathroom and how it feels have people pee in you. I turn to the camera and smile and say, it really changes what it means to log on
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May 17, 2020 12:43
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Jun 6, 2024 05:48
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- nut
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I’m in an important meeting at work you see I work in the economy (the electric conomy) and I get a text I look down and see that my Maytag is letting me know I have a medically unhealthy amount of nut milks
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May 17, 2020 12:45
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- nut
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I’m out with a very strong attractive woman who is telling me roller derby is the future of sport I am in love I think my alarm clock calls to tell me my neighbour is muttering about killing me again
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May 17, 2020 12:47
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- nut
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target is having a special on wire brushed frames that will tell your nest if the pH in the room is too basic. the nest, which contains a non-functional microphone, will chart changes in ambient acidity in the nsa cloud to let them know if you are baking cookies or crystal meth
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May 17, 2020 12:49
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- nut
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my toilet seat: good morning sire, I do believe you have lost some weight
me: *lifts my legs off the ground*
my toilet seat: lmao never mind
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May 17, 2020 12:50
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- nut
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me to my millions of viewers: it may hold the holy scriptures and the meaning of life and the universe, but will it blend?
my blender: it is going to blend
me: you ruin everything
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May 17, 2020 12:55
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- Finger Prince
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My kid, away at uni in another state, logs into our Nest and turns the thermostat up 2 degrees.
Me, working overseas on a long term contract, getting a notification, slightly annoyed, turns it back down.
An hour later up the temperature goes again, 3 degrees.
Now I'm getting angry. I turn it back down and send a message to their fridge to shout "STOP SCREWING AROUND! love dad" on its huge display screen.
"it wasn't me!" pings my phone, as I watch the thermostat rise four degrees.
Furious now, I turn it back down and change the admin settings, locking everyone out but me. I smile smugly into my phone.
An hour later I get a message from my tenant saying there's something wrong with the thermostat. They tried adjusting it but it keeps resetting to the default setting.
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May 17, 2020 14:32
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- nut
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my toilet won't stop moaning despite the mute function
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May 17, 2020 15:27
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- nut
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finally, email for my things
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May 17, 2020 18:10
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- nut
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checking my roomba data to see what rooms I shed the most in. sharing my findings on twitter
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May 17, 2020 18:11
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- Finger Prince
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My Roomba has its own twitter account that it uses to passive-aggressively complain about what a slovenly mess I am.
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May 17, 2020 18:41
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- City of Glompton
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me: microwave, please tell fridge i am sorry for not listening to her food spoilage notifications, it was an accident to let that spinach turn to goo, and i feel very bad about it!
microwave: refrigerator says she accepts your apology, but phone told her you ordered pizza for dinner, so you are still grounded from opening the freezer drawer. ice cream will keep but according to fitbit, your health will not.
thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig
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May 17, 2020 19:25
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- super sweet best pal
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My lightbulb has more followers than I do.
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May 17, 2020 21:05
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- Finger Prince
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Grandpa, what was it like living in the 20's?
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May 17, 2020 21:07
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- nut
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I’ve been getting robbed a lot more since my door started screaming that it was unlocked
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May 17, 2020 22:22
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- nut
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but honestly it’s a global village and I’ve never get more connected
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May 17, 2020 22:22
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- Escape From Noise
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Refrigerator decided to become a Bitcoin miner causing it to overheat and leading to a ton of food spoilage.
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May 18, 2020 09:14
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- Escape From Noise
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I texted my ex. I know it was dumb but what happened happened. Alexa took notice and blocked me from contacting them. Felt kind of condescending but... whatever. Only now I find out Alexa's texting my ex and trying to hook up with them!
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May 18, 2020 09:18
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- dthrone
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Yeah so the shower has two settings, bees and water; I don't recommend switching to bees because I've never switched to bees, no one in my family has ever been tempted even once to try it out. We have that feature so it's avaiable to you.
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May 18, 2020 13:22
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- FutonForensic
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me to my millions of viewers: it may hold the holy scriptures and the meaning of life and the universe, but will it blend?
my blender: it is going to blend
me: you ruin everything
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May 18, 2020 19:56
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- FutonForensic
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my smart bidet shared a photo of my taint with the rest of the appliances and are mocking me behind my back. they are right to laugh; my taint is forsaken. but being left out of the ribaldry hurts.
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May 18, 2020 19:59
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- dthrone
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Toto Washlet connected to Spotify and now blasts my rear end in a top hat with pulse patterns generated from Kim Petras song spectrograms
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May 18, 2020 20:43
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Jun 6, 2024 05:48
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- nut
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me to my hot, powerful date with washboard abs and a strong mind and earnest heart: I’ll go grab us a snack
my smart pipes while I’m gone: I hope you like diarrhea
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May 19, 2020 00:44
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