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cda posted:dressing up like a crowded theater and telling people to yell fire in me i remembered this post while in the shower a few minutes ago and was laughing too hard to operate a bar of soap |
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Jul 5, 2020 07:49
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| # ? May 24, 2024 11:34 |
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getting HOTK NIFE knuc tats
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Jul 5, 2020 15:20
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Dip Viscous posted:i remembered this post while in the shower a few minutes ago and was laughing too hard to operate a bar of soap 
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Jul 5, 2020 15:52
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Unconventional COVID PSA's Helping people remember to wear a face covering by ripping nasty farts everywhere I go |
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Jul 6, 2020 14:14
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Communist Apparatchik Steve Jobs |
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Jul 7, 2020 22:20
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You're a company auditor, doing a routine internal audit, making sure whichever department you're auditing today has been minding its Ps and Q's. You ask for a random employee to interview to make sure they know about the various policies that govern their work, know how to file a safety report, that kind of thing. The employee looks kind of nervous, so you figure you'd lighten the mood with a little movie reference. "Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can." you say "sure", they reply. Oh this might be fun! "One-one-eight-seven at Unterwasser", you proceed. Whereupon follows a complete reenactment of the whole Leon Voight-Kampf test scene between the two of you. Right up until the end, where you ask him, in single terms, only the good things that come to mind about his mother. And he says "my mother? Let me tell you about my mother", pulls out an actual gun and shoots you dead, right there, and the final thought that passes through your mind is "that was the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me!", and you die with a smile on your face. |
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Jul 8, 2020 04:21
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I had the opportunity to conduct a p much meaningless interview with a good friend - it was for an internal government promotion in which no other candidates were being considered, but for EEOC purposes we had to conduct it anyway and read off the standardized question sheet - 'where do you see yourself in 5 years', 'do you have transportation', blah blah. The two other interviewers along with me were in their 60's-70's, nearing retirement and not giving two shits about the interviews we had to do, as we knew none of them mattered, all you had to do was basically not be homicidal and you'd pass and get your raise. Before my friend comes in the room, I tell them that I know we're supposed to read off the question sheet, but I had one question I wanted to start with that wasn't quite standardized, and shouldn't be considered as part of the interview. They gave me a quizzical look, but shrugged and went back to re-reading Prince Valiant comic strips in their heads or whatever. My friend comes in, suit and tie, wonderfully confident, sits across from us, we exchange pleasantries like we're professionals. We're ready to begin. I had studied the video clip a few dozen times to make sure I got everything exact - the movements, the intonation, the cadence - so it was a very proud moment for me to be able to lean in slightly, my hands in a lowered power position, and start with: 'What would you say.... ya do here?' followed by the open handed gesture, mouth opening, and eyebrow raise. Now he's a movie quote fiend, and I could tell he was having a fierce internal debate for a few seconds as to whether he should let loose or to play it safe, all while trying not to laugh, the uncaring deadpan faces of my co-interviewers only adding to the absurdity. He has to take a bit of a deep breath before giving a safe answer regarding his job description, but it threw him off for the remainder of the interview, as that was the only question that I asked, letting the other interviewers do the boring questions while I stared him down intensely the entire time. To his credit, he kept a straight face through it all, just giving me a soft 'you son of a bitch' as I held the door open for his exit. |
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Jul 8, 2020 05:34
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Abugadu posted:I had the opportunity to conduct a p much meaningless interview with a good friend - it was for an internal government promotion in which no other candidates were being considered, but for EEOC purposes we had to conduct it anyway and read off the standardized question sheet - 'where do you see yourself in 5 years', 'do you have transportation', blah blah. The two other interviewers along with me were in their 60's-70's, nearing retirement and not giving two shits about the interviews we had to do, as we knew none of them mattered, all you had to do was basically not be homicidal and you'd pass and get your raise. I love this story, thank you! |
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Jul 8, 2020 23:28
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magic cactus posted:dressing up like a member of the american military and asking people if i can come into their home. The homeowner calls a phone number he saw on a bus bench ad, looking for an attorney who specializes in Third Amendment violations
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Jul 9, 2020 20:08
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https://www.packagingsupplies.com/products/48-x-40-x-48-double-wall-gaylord-bottom its just so hard to be in a committed relationship with your box nowadays
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Jul 9, 2020 20:53
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vanisher posted:https://www.packagingsupplies.com/products/48-x-40-x-48-double-wall-gaylord-bottom If you like it then you shoulda put a lid on it |
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Jul 9, 2020 22:23
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google THIS posted:If you like it then you shoulda put a lid on it
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Jul 9, 2020 23:51
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a concert pianist walks out onto the stage to a cheering crowd. he is wearing a tuxedo with tails and black running shoes. he rings out the opening chord of the concerto by jumping on a giant floor piano. |
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Jul 10, 2020 05:34
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canyoneer posted:a concert pianist walks out onto the stage to a cheering crowd. he is wearing a tuxedo with tails and black running shoes. he rings out the opening chord of the concerto by jumping on a giant floor piano. Finnish man in crowd whispering to his wife: who did you say this man was again? Finnish wife whispering back: he’s Big in America
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Jul 10, 2020 12:47
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nut posted:Finnish man in crowd whispering to his wife: who did you say this man was again? ---------------- |
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Jul 10, 2020 23:37
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memos from the training and safety department for clandestine transport systems, inc., ("the villain's choice for parcel delivery") e.g. "cursed items that are part of a phylactory are to be packed in separate containers, bound for separate destinations. we've lost two good-paying accounts in the previous fiscal quarter because some do-gooder managed to find the entire phylactory in one shipping container.") ---------------- |
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Jul 10, 2020 23:40
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"per the advice of the legal department, taxidermied alligators are not the proper place to conceal a client's illegal fireworks or drugs. legal has informed us that the exception is for any shipment bound for a florida zip code, in which case the authorities will not suspect this company, just that it's florida being florida."
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Jul 10, 2020 23:42
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"a memorial service will be held for duncan phallamore in the company cafeteria, refreshments provided. shortly afterwards, michael from the safety department will hold a safety meeting on the mandatory use of hearing protection w/r/t the transport of sirens."
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Jul 10, 2020 23:42
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Gene Hackman Fan posted:memos from the training and safety department for clandestine transport systems, inc., ("the villain's choice for parcel delivery") "please, when shipping henchmen, remember to add air holes and enough food and water to last the trip. we are not responsible for replacing or removing the corpses of your bumbling goons"
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Jul 11, 2020 02:55
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gently caress My rear end posted:a pair of pants that has easy access heated spaghetti pockets there is a place in payson arizona that sells buckets of spaghetti sounds like there's a story there somewhere |
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Jul 11, 2020 03:14
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The story is: once upon a time there was this guy who ate way too much spaghetti and got sick but hey, he already had a bucket right there |
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Jul 11, 2020 04:03
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Time traveler comes back to today and had the wrong idea about the tech level of the 21st century. "Behold," clicks flashlight "magic!"
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Jul 11, 2020 05:55
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super sweet best pal posted:Time traveler comes back to today and had the wrong idea about the tech level of the 21st century. "Behold," clicks flashlight "magic!" busts out a nokia 3310 with snake game on it and 3 different backlight color options |
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Jul 11, 2020 07:19
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Gene Hackman Fan posted:memos from the training and safety department for clandestine transport systems, inc., ("the villain's choice for parcel delivery") Customer service emails for same "I know this ring means a lot to you, but according to our records our courier delivered it to you in 2A 1600 and you signed for it then. Once that's done it's removed from our tracking system. I'm sorry that you've lost it, but you'll just have to find it yourself, or hope that someone else finds it and brings it back to you." "Yes, we can ship obsidian monoliths that constantly whisper secrets man was not meant to know, but there is an additional handling fee due to the likelihood of attrition among our staff." "Expedited shipping is not available to volcano lairs, antarctic strongholds or underwater bases. If your shipment is urgent, have it delivered to the nearest storefront location and collect it in person instead." |
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Jul 11, 2020 12:13
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*to the tune of machinehead by bush* got a pusheen head |
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Jul 11, 2020 14:14
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if i was a life sized cut out of yoda would you drop kick me? |
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Jul 14, 2020 03:16
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1890s american vaudeville performances but they're in klingon |
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Jul 14, 2020 03:26
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Pith is stored in the balls |
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Jul 14, 2020 05:18
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that part in Ether where Nas calls Jay-Z "no-mustache-having" |
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Jul 14, 2020 09:29
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i'd like to show the yob some more goofy-rear end videos i've made. i'd like to, but a rather nasty storm that rolled through on friday night knocked out my internet connection and i barely have enough data left to make thi |
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Jul 14, 2020 10:48
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Gene Hackman Fan posted:i'd like to show the yob some more goofy-rear end videos i've made. Oh geeze! I hope Gene Hackman Fan is safe! |
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Jul 14, 2020 11:18
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super sweet best pal posted:Time traveler comes back to today and had the wrong idea about the tech level of the 21st century. "Behold," clicks flashlight "magic!" this is the setup to some comix Ruben bolling does in super fun pak comic lol ---------------- |
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Jul 14, 2020 14:45
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canyoneer posted:busts out a nokia 3310 with snake game on it and 3 different backlight color options You're joking but you should have seen how amazed people were by my Motorola ROKR that made phone calls AND played MP3s. |
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Jul 14, 2020 17:11
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scoring & arranging the slow, ominous movie trailer version of badger badger badger badger mushroom |
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Jul 14, 2020 20:25
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a gregorian chant. "Baaaaaaaad-geeeeeer. Baaaaaaaaad-geeeer. Baaaaad-geeer." |
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Jul 15, 2020 03:29
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alien abductees furious about the low quality of the experiance
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Jul 15, 2020 23:00
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A guy who tries to use the word 'namaste' as his catchphrase, but says it at inappropriate times. Like watching a UFC fight: "Yes! Light that motherfucker up! Namaste!" |
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Jul 15, 2020 23:03
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Prof. Crocodile posted:A guy who tries to use the word 'namaste' as his catchphrase, but says it at inappropriate times. Like watching a UFC fight: "Yes! Light that motherfucker up! Namaste!" a guy i know once looked at his bill after a night of beers and wings and said "drat... touche" to which the waitress responded that touche is a term from fencing used when someone makes a really good point in conversation or debate, not a curse or epithet used to indicate displeasure. darren just smiled and said "ah... touche!" it is maybe one of the funniest things i've ever witnessed
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Jul 15, 2020 23:14
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gyro dreams of doner |
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Jul 15, 2020 23:47
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Heather Papps posted:alien abductees furious about the low quality of the experiance I paid for the "full probe" experience and didn't get much more than a finger up the bum. Will NOT be going back to this fetlife meetup.
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Jul 16, 2020 02:08
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