shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Danaru posted:

In countless millennia, a star will exist that was once the tattoo of the bee from Bee Movie sucking off the Stay Puft marshmallow man that's on my left rear end cheek

Ah, the elusive brown hole

# ? Aug 6, 2020 10:46

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# ? May 26, 2024 07:15

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

pseudorandom posted:

Quora seems to be rich in answers that are filled with STDH s

Quora is an amazing website of people thinking they are more clever and/or funny than they are. It's filled with bullshit and stdh.

"What happens in real life when you smash a glass bottle against the back of someone�s head? posted:

I can answer this with 100% real life personal experience.

I left school at 13 and spent my early life working on farms and at age 15 I was pretty strong for a kid.

One day I hitch hiked to the city to visit my mother who I knew was visiting my cousins house.

As I walked into the front yard I saw my 19 year old sister unconscious on the front lawn.

As I walked into the house I saw my mother flat on her back, unconscious and a guy sitting on her chest punching her face � left.. right� left ..right.

Her face looked like raw meat.

He was a big guy� I knew him and I knew he was dangerous and I looked around and saw some empty beer bottles on the table.

There were not the small beer bottles we see today but 26 Oz beer bottles.. about the same as a whisky bottle.

I grabbed one and being afraid to get in arms reach, I walked close and I threw it from behind as hard as I could and hit him in the back of the head.

The bottle ricocheted off his head with such force that the neck of the bottle broke through the masonite wall and stayed there.

He was alerted to my presence and he turned and grabbed me in a bear hug around my chest but my arms where free.

I was punching him in the head with no effect.

He swung me around and started ramming my back into the door jam but it also put me close to the kitchen table.

I reached across and grabbed an empty beer bottle and hit him on the head.

Nothing happened.

I hit him again and still he did not feel or flinch but kept ramming my back into the door jam.

I remember as clear as yesterday that I made a determination that I was going to hit him again and I was going hit him so bloody hard to drive that bottle as hard as I could into his brain.

I did� and he fell like a sack of potatoes.

I looked at him and half the bottle was sticking out of his skull.

Blood was just pouring down his face like it was coming out of a tap.

He was out cold.

A few moment later as I collected myself, I noticed what looked like a string of red cotton coming from my finger and it was continuous, but like it was like a piece of cotton waving in the wind.

I was still in shock and I grabbed this piece of cotton with my left hand and my left hand was then covered in blood and to my amazement � my blood.

The red cotton was a fine jet of my blood from a cut artery in my finger and with the beat of my heart it was shooting out long and short, long and short�about 25 to 30 inches � 25 to 30 inches�spraying everywhere.

I then realised that in this small government housing commission kitchen, the spray of this red cotton of my blood had sprayed the walls, the stove, the floor, the table and with his blood on the floor, it looked like a slaughter house.

I gripped my finger to stop the flow and turned to my mother who was unconscious and then I heard the siren.

The neighbours having seen my sister on the font lawn, had called the police�.

Could I kill somebody..?

Yes I could� no question about that� and no guilt.

I wanted that bastard to die.

This was not the first time this had happened, but it was the first time that I was present when it did happen.

I wanted him out of my family�s life for good.

I dragged him from the kitchen and hid his body behind the laundry door.

As I walked back to the kitchen two police officers were there and the senior was instructing his junior to order two ambulances for my mother and sister.

The senior police officer and I were in the kitchen and he asked me what had happened.

I told him I had come to visit my mother and I saw my sister on the front grass and there was a guy that was beating my mother on the floor in the bed room.

I said I fought him off�

There was blood all around us over the walls and floor and he was looking at this and he asked me where is this guy now.

I said, he has gone�. he left.

The police officer looked at the floor and there was a very serious drag mark of blood from the kitchen which he followed to the laundry and found him behind the door.

He asked how did he get there ?

I said he must have crawled there� :-(

The guy was a boyfriend of my mother and had given her problems for years.

He was an ex professional boxer� a real bad news guy.

The police officer said stay here I will get another ambulance and you will need to go to hospital and get your hand fixed too.

I asked him� �Can you just pretend you never saw him� leave him there ?�

I still remember so well�

He put his arm around my shoulders and said.. �Son� I know how you feel.. and believe me, I can see what he has done and I would very much like to forgot I saw him� but I have to do my job�.

So to answer your question�

�What happens if you smash a bottle against someones head in real life�?�

The answer is� if you do it hard enough, the bottle will break and send a massive piece of glass into his brain� it will also severely cut your finger and an artery� lots of blood will come from his head and a lot from your hand.

If a good cop does not come along and save the recipient, he will not just get brain damage but he will die� and you will still have a scar on your finger some 58 years later.

� and every time you look at this scar, you will know for sure, that if ever somebody harms your family and you have to defend them, you have the ability ��and the will to kill them.

Does that make me socially unacceptable in this modern age?

I stumbled on this story on imgur today and everyone was lapping it up.

E: including this strange diatribe i stumbled upon a few days ago on quora

quote:

In short: Everything you Perceive other than by Perceiving photons, �does not exist.�

Nobel prize winner Albert Einstein decided FOR YOU - simply put - that �Only photons exist,� and that all other things that you do very well Perceive or sense (including Time, by the way) �aren�t actually there or existing:�

Thus making people very stupid �and making himself, Albert Einstein, �the most intelligent person on Earth.�

A similar, extreme destruction of science, was perpetrated by famous American diplomat and �scientist� Benjamin Franklin, in 1784 in Paris, together with Mr. Guillotin and Mr. Lavoisier, declaring that Life Energy Particles - the very basis of Life itself, and the NECESSARY ingredient for Perception of anything - �does not exist� and, is �not scientifically accepted now,� by (decree of) the Royal Academy of Science of France.

In short: Everything you Perceive other than by Perceiving photons, �does not exist.�

It is ultimate destruction of Science itself, by the �#SociopathsOfScience� - excluding the most vital parts of science from life.

Generally, the purpose of Sociopaths, is to make you not Perceive much and to misinterpret what you do anyway Perceive or sense.

This leads to various expressions or idioms in language, to get around this: �Seeing things out of the corner of your eyes.�

More coarsely, they make Perception, feelings, and thoughts, into mechanical-chemical concepts: �People have chemistry,� or, �their encounter filled them with endorphins,� and �Love is a molecule of oxytocin.� With scientifically the most impossible and ridiculous enforcement: �Your brain thinks and memorizes FOR YOU.�

# ? Aug 9, 2020 19:23

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Two years of working on a farm is all a 15 year old needs to gain the strength to shove a glass bottle through a human skull and talk like one of the shittier Jokers

# ? Aug 9, 2020 19:27

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

All that buildup for a tiny pale scar that looks like (and probably is) a kitchen-knife whoopsie. I guess "I was slicing a bagel and wasn't paying attention to where my hand was" doesn't get you those sweet Imgur cheevos, though.

# ? Aug 11, 2020 02:49

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Antivehicular posted:

All that buildup for a tiny pale scar that looks like (and probably is) a kitchen-knife whoopsie. I guess "I was slicing a bagel and wasn't paying attention to where my hand was" doesn't get you those sweet Imgur cheevos, though.

I cut my thumb open with a butter knife once and thought I was going to need stitches. Still have the scar. It does not make for a very interesting story.

# ? Aug 11, 2020 21:24

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

I jammed my thumb into one of those rotary bread cutting saws on a Sunday morning once. It sucked but somehow I didn't drench the entire room in blood.

Guess I just didn't hit one of those major arteries that run in the side of your finger.

Man I still can't believe most people bought that loving story. With that awful little question at the end.

# ? Aug 11, 2020 23:15

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

# ? Aug 12, 2020 10:59

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

Fathis Munk posted:

Quora is an amazing website of people thinking they are more clever and/or funny than they are. It's filled with bullshit and stdh.

I stumbled on this story on imgur today and everyone was lapping it up.

E: including this strange diatribe i stumbled upon a few days ago on quora

That second one is impressive in how it shows the guy (of course its a guy) who wrote it clearly lacks even the most basic understanding of, like, anything.

# ? Aug 12, 2020 13:55

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Biplane posted:

That second one is impressive in how it shows the guy (of course its a guy) who wrote it clearly lacks even the most basic understanding of, like, anything.

They quite clearly have mental problems.

# ? Aug 12, 2020 14:02

goddamnedtwisto: Dec 31, 2004; If you ask me about the mole people in the London Underground, I WILL be forced to kill you; Fun Shoe

Antivehicular posted:

All that buildup for a tiny pale scar that looks like (and probably is) a kitchen-knife whoopsie. I guess "I was slicing a bagel and wasn't paying attention to where my hand was" doesn't get you those sweet Imgur cheevos, though.

I've got a considerably bigger scar on one of my fingers from a broken guitar string.

# ? Aug 16, 2020 18:05

vortmax: Sep 24, 2008; In meteorology, vorticity often refers to a measurement of the spin of horizontally flowing air about a vertical axis.

goddamnedtwisto posted:

I've got a considerably bigger scar on one of my fingers from a broken guitar string.

I got a significantly larger scar on my face from chasing my little brother around a rocking chair when I was 4 and falling over with my face on the front of the rocker.

# ? Aug 17, 2020 00:56

RoboRodent: Sep 19, 2012

If I've learned anything in life, it's that the cool stories never produce a scar, and "I bumped into a gate while moving boxes" absolutely will.

# ? Aug 17, 2020 01:09

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

RoboRodent posted:

If I've learned anything in life, it's that the cool stories never produce a scar, and "I bumped into a gate while moving boxes" absolutely will.

I would love it if in a gangster movie, that was the story behind Henchman#2's cool facial scar.

"You don't want to mess with Lenny there. You see his face? He got that when he bumped into the corner of his grandmas dresser."

# ? Aug 17, 2020 02:35

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

The thing is, really truly sharp stuff that's dangerous doesn't tend to rip the skin the way dumb accidents do, so the scars are a lot smaller. I once shoved an x-acto knife into my finger to the point where it hit bone. I had to take antibiotics for a while to make sure I didn't get an infection because it went so deep, and I can't feel most of that fingertip anymore. The scar is this tiny, pale white nothing you can barely see because the blade was so sharp. But the scar from some kid in third grade accidentally knocking me off one of those spinning manual merry-go-round things is a big splotchy mess on my knee.

# ? Aug 17, 2020 04:21

TheMostFrench: Jul 12, 2009; Stop for me, it's the claw!

Captain Monkey posted:

The thing is, really truly sharp stuff that's dangerous doesn't tend to rip the skin the way dumb accidents do, so the scars are a lot smaller. I once shoved an x-acto knife into my finger to the point where it hit bone. I had to take antibiotics for a while to make sure I didn't get an infection because it went so deep, and I can't feel most of that fingertip anymore. The scar is this tiny, pale white nothing you can barely see because the blade was so sharp. But the scar from some kid in third grade accidentally knocking me off one of those spinning manual merry-go-round things is a big splotchy mess on my knee.

I did swing dancing classes for a while, one night a guy decided to end a big number with a knee slide. Hairy knees, in jeans, on an old wooden floor. Fancy move, but left big scabs on his knees that burned like hell, and the scarred areas are now bald. It hurt a bit at the time but he didn't actually notice how bad it was until the jeans started to stick to his legs a little because there was a some bleeding from the ripped hair follicles (tiny droplets of blood). He could still keep going, there was no spray of claret or dripping blood everywhere, or people screaming (a bit of cringe and laughing it off maybe).

This was on TV the other night and feels kind of relevant.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tr-64q7bmKE&t=1220s

TheMostFrench has a new favorite as of 07:15 on Aug 17, 2020

# ? Aug 17, 2020 06:39

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Captain Monkey posted:

The thing is, really truly sharp stuff that's dangerous doesn't tend to rip the skin the way dumb accidents do, so the scars are a lot smaller. I once shoved an x-acto knife into my finger to the point where it hit bone. I had to take antibiotics for a while to make sure I didn't get an infection because it went so deep, and I can't feel most of that fingertip anymore. The scar is this tiny, pale white nothing you can barely see because the blade was so sharp. But the scar from some kid in third grade accidentally knocking me off one of those spinning manual merry-go-round things is a big splotchy mess on my knee.

Makes sense. I accidentally shivved my hand with a whittling knife and it bled so much that I thought I was going to pass out. However the only scar on that hand is from the time I was eating ice cream out of a cheap mug and the handle broke off.

# ? Aug 17, 2020 08:02

Flint_Paper: Jun 7, 2004; This isn't cool at all Looshkin! These are dark forces you're titting about with!

RoboRodent posted:

If I've learned anything in life, it's that the cool stories never produce a scar, and "I bumped into a gate while moving boxes" absolutely will.

I have a scar from a crocheting injury. loving crochet.

# ? Aug 17, 2020 09:41

xtal: Jan 9, 2011; by Fluffdaddy

RoboRodent posted:

If I've learned anything in life, it's that the cool stories never produce a scar, and "I bumped into a gate while moving boxes" absolutely will.

I make up a new story for my scars every time

# ? Aug 17, 2020 23:55

mrpwase: Apr 21, 2010; I HAVE GREAT AVATAR IDEAS
For the Many, Not the Few

Flint_Paper posted:

I have a scar from a crocheting injury. loving crochet.

I see. And what precisely does that involve over regular crochet?

# ? Aug 18, 2020 00:14

shy boy from chess club: Jun 11, 2008; It wasnt that bad, after you left I got to help put out the fire!

loving

# ? Aug 18, 2020 01:13

MrUnderbridge: Jun 25, 2011

mrpwase posted:

I see. And what precisely does that involve over regular crochet?

Guess where the scar is! :dong:

# ? Aug 18, 2020 04:40

TheKennedys: Sep 23, 2006; By my hand, I will take you from this godforsaken internet

xtal posted:

I make up a new story for my scars every time

a buddy at an old job had a big scar on his back from surgery and told an increasingly elaborate story about getting bitten by a shark that got more and more ludicrous with everyone who asked

# ? Aug 18, 2020 05:40

bulletsponge13: Apr 28, 2010

I got blown the gently caress up, and my coolest looking scar was from an excited puppy.

# ? Aug 18, 2020 05:40

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

bulletsponge13 posted:

I got blown the gently caress up, and my coolest looking scar was from an excited puppy.

I didn�t get blown up (and I wish you hadn�t either) but I�m right there with you on the puppy thing. Mine took a small, but neat wedge out of my nostril and it�s pretty rad.

# ? Aug 18, 2020 06:02

Edgar Allen Ho: Apr 3, 2017; by sebmojo

I�ve got a cool scar from when I first got my car bc she lept into the bath tub not knowing what horror lie within

# ? Aug 18, 2020 11:20

Enfys: Feb 17, 2013; The ocean is calling and I must go

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

I’ve got a cool scar from when I first got my car bc she lept into the bath tub not knowing what horror lie within

That's why most people wash their cats in the driveway

# ? Aug 18, 2020 11:44

xtal: Jan 9, 2011; by Fluffdaddy

It's not a scar just because it ended your political career Mr Kennedy

# ? Aug 18, 2020 12:12

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

A+ typo, really.

# ? Aug 18, 2020 12:32

bulletsponge13: Apr 28, 2010

burial posted:

I didn’t get blown up (and I wish you hadn’t either) but I’m right there with you on the puppy thing. Mine took a small, but neat wedge out of my nostril and it’s pretty rad.

I would have avoided it if I could have- it was way less fun than the brochure promised.

But my puppy scar is a 2 inch tear on my middle finger. It's raised a bit and very Frankenstein vibe, I dig it. And it's not like the puppy was being a dick- her tooth caught just right.

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

I’ve got a cool scar from when I first got my car bc she lept into the bath tub not knowing what horror lie within

A+ Username.

And I'm guessing Tesla's AI is working great, if they are washing themselves.

# ? Aug 18, 2020 16:21

Edgar Allen Ho: Apr 3, 2017; by sebmojo

xtal posted:

It's not a scar just because it ended your political career Mr Kennedy

# ? Aug 18, 2020 18:06

dovetaile: Jul 8, 2011; Grimey Drawer

One of my scars is a little lightning bolt and another of my faves is two neatly spaced lines but neither are from funny stories.

# ? Aug 19, 2020 02:58

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

My only noticeable scars are one on my left forearm from when my friend in high school found a screw on the floor of the bus and slashed me with it as a joke, and also my other forearm when i drunkenly fell off a roof in college and grabbed the gutter with my other forearm instead of my hand. I just tell people I can't remember where they came from.

# ? Aug 19, 2020 03:15

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

I have a little triangle scar on the back of my head from when I was a baby, and somehow fell backwards whilst trying to stand up onto the skirting board.

Hair doesn't grow on scar tissue, so when my hair is very short, you can see the little bare patch in the back of my head.

# ? Aug 19, 2020 06:09

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

dovetaile posted:

One of my scars is a little lightning bolt and another of my faves is two neatly spaced lines but neither are from funny stories.

...Harry?

# ? Aug 19, 2020 14:30

RenegadeStyle1: Jun 7, 2005; Baby Come Back

I have a gnarly scar on my wrist from when I was 4 and fell off a chain link fist and the tip caught my wrist and hung me up. Thats a good story. The only other scar I have I have from knicking a machine while I was working on it at my old factory job. It was barely more than a scratch but its still there 15 years later.

# ? Aug 20, 2020 16:31

EVG: Dec 17, 2005; If I Saw It, Here's How It Happened.

I have a small round scar on my arm from making apple butter. When they say not to let molten sugar stuff splash you, they mean business.

# ? Aug 21, 2020 19:51

Mercedes Colomar: Nov 1, 2008; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

There's a reason we call it napalm in the cooking world. It's sugar, it's sticky. And molten sugar is at least 320�F/160�C, once any water boils away.

# ? Aug 21, 2020 20:24

dovetaile: Jul 8, 2011; Grimey Drawer

hyperhazard posted:

...Harry?

Haha, no, mine's on my hand.

# ? Aug 22, 2020 05:53

NO FUCK YOU DAD: Oct 23, 2008

I have a wicked facial scar that I got from skipping breakfast

# ? Aug 22, 2020 07:27

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# ? May 26, 2024 07:15

coolskull: Nov 11, 2007

completely deserved, you sick gently caress.

# ? Aug 22, 2020 07:31

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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