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  This is 100% accurate
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Aug 16, 2020 21:35
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Chapter 37: Contrivances It's rare that a chapter title is a warning. quote:Aro did not rejoin his anxious guard on the north side of the clearing; instead, he waved them forward. Bringing Jacob was the worst loving idea. The Volturi guard is so nervous that they'll start hissing and leaping into battle poses like Power Rangers villains just from seeing their leader step ahead of them, so you brought the giant wolf that's going to intentionally antagonize them? He's so slavish to Renesmee now that the only thing stopping him from getting annihilated and ruining all the negotiations is his pedo queen dragging him away by the tail. quote:Now there were only fifty yards between them and us—a distance any of us could leap in just a fraction of a second. So you've barely made any separation at all. quote:Caius began arguing with Aro at once. So because everyone's vampire super senses are now suddenly working again, both sides are clearly close enough to hear each other. Edward is also close enough that he should be able to hear their thoughts. This would make any deception on anyone's part very difficult! quote:“Because it’s all true,” Aro told him calmly. “Every word of it. See how many witnesses stand ready to give evidence that they have seen this miraculous child grow and mature in just the short time they’ve known her. That they have felt the warmth of the blood that pulses in her veins.” Aro’s gesture swept from Amun on one side across to Siobhan on the other. It seems pretty obvious. Aro just said "Guys, this child is a human-vampire hybrid we never expected. No laws were broken. We need to research this!" What's so confusing? quote:Caius was frowning, deep in thought. His speculative expression stoked the flames of my smoldering anger at the same time that it worried me. What if the guard acted again on some invisible signal, as they had in their march? Anxiously, I inspected my shield; it felt just as impenetrable as before. I flexed it now into a low, wide dome that arced over our company. Oh, she can see souls now too I guess. And of course Edward is the brightest and purest ever. quote:My shield seemed to want to cooperate. It hugged his shape; when Carlisle shifted to the side to stand nearer to Tanya, the elastic stretched with him, drawn to his spark. So we've now got Bella discovering unexpected control and aspects of her power just casually experimenting with it during a lull in negotiations, aspects that conveniently remove any future difficulty in using it. What if we could get even more contrived, though? quote:Only a second had passed; Caius was still deliberating. We don't even need to figure out any geography or range here! Just put the Alpha under the shield and it transmits through the hive mind to everyone in his pack! This is one of those times again where this reads like a sloppy fic, with new powers or facts appearing as needed to patch holes or solve problems that only more rewrites could really get rid of. It makes it apparent how Meyer was not only refusing to make sufficient changes to the Forever Dawn draft to get it to flow properly, but was likely writing from start to finish without much forethought and choosing to find ways to conveniently make problems irrelevant rather than dealing with them. In this case, it seems like she found it hard to keep track of where everyone is and didn't want to establish an upper limit on Bella's range and focus (or create a scenario where the Volturi were accidentally shielded), so she just created a way to make her shield lock itself to everyone it needs to automatically and transmit through the werewolf hive mind so she doesn't have to put much effort into it. quote:“Ah, brother…,” Aro answered Caius’s statement with a pained look. Why is Caius even here? He's just getting dunked on. quote:“Caius, it’s the middle of the day,” Edward pointed out. He gestured to Jacob. “These are not Children of the Moon, clearly. They bear no relation to your enemies on the other side of the world.” So obviously Caius is using his super vampire brain to be a giant dumbass, but you may be asking yourself "Who the gently caress are the Children of the Moon?" quote:“You breed mutants here,” Caius spit back at him. This is why everyone is suspicious about the Cullens being allied with "werewolves": the Quileute aren't even werewolves at all! In the Twilight universe, actual "werewolves" are the classic kind that transform at the full moon and were the vampires' immortal enemies until they were virtually genocided. This was mentioned exactly once in Eclipse to explain why the Volturi couldn't directly see them allying with the wolves: Edward says they won't recognize their scent because they're a "different kind" of werewolf so all they have to do is leave to avoid causing a freak-out. The Children of the Moon never appeared and never mattered to the plot. An entire supernatural race and history has been secretly present in the background just to be offhandedly mentioned at the end of the series. Are you happy with this reveal? I sure wasn't! Because here's the thing: the Cullens have retroactively known the entire time that the Quileute weren't the Children of the Moon, but have insisted on calling them "werewolves" and repeatedly using dog-related slurs to refer to them. They're just assholes! This also retroactively destroys the entire arc about vampires and werewolves having an ancient conflict that they've been overcoming, because suddenly we find out that there was no ancient conflict with the Quileute in the way it was built up! They're one tiny tribe protecting just their territory in an isolated part of northwest Washington. It was all a personal thing with the Cullens. It seems to be yet another sloppy patch job by Meyer: she realized that she established the Volturi hating werewolves but still needs to have them in the climax to have her generic unity, so she quickly invented some bullshit about how they're not real werewolves so everyone can shrug and go about their business. quote:Caius glared at Aro with irritation and something more—an accusation of betrayal, maybe. This guy has been brought just to make Aro look good, hasn't he? quote:Caius took a deep breath and nodded. They exchanged a long, significant glance. There's so many problems with this dogshit book. I mentioned before how it feels like Meyer couldn't decide whether she would write the Volturi as actually being mistaken and possible to negotiate with or just planning on lying and killing everyone they can't force into their guard. The buildup to this climax wavered between which was true every page, and the way people suddenly forgot Eleazar's warning about them and had to be reminded of it implied that things were being changed around without really editing the book. Right now, Bella is outright telling us (as usual) that the Volturi did come here under false pretenses, but we're also seeing Caius very blatantly going down a list of potential excuses while Aro shoots them all down as unfeasible in front of everyone. Despite Eleazar stating that the Volturi would have no problems just making poo poo up (and backstory added in the Illustrated Guide outright says they've done that!), Aro is shooting himself in the foot over and over. It makes it seem like they're desperately trying to be evil but are such rules lawyers that they have to make an airtight case first. quote:“I want to talk to the informant,” Caius announced abruptly, and turned his glare on Irina. Irina has spent almost all of her time in this book staring in horror at things. quote:“Irina,” Caius barked, unhappy to have to address her. In her defense, so far every vampire who's met Renesmee has failed to notice that she's obviously not a vampire until given a change for a detailed look. quote:“Dear Caius, could you expect her to have guessed in an instant something so strange and impossible?” Aro asked. “Any of us would have made the same assumption.” You know her motivations! Aro touched her and read her mind! quote:“Yes, for coming to spy on them in the first place.”  quote:“So the Cullens sided with the shape-shifters against our own kind—against the friend of a friend, even,” Caius summarized. Well, no. Irina never showed up seeking revenge in the first place and it would have been incredibly stupid of her to do so. Carlisle phoned them and they told him to gently caress off. That's all that happened. The Cullens never had to "stand aside"; what she wanted was help in genociding the Quileute, which they refused to do. This is another Forever Dawn issue. Originally, Victoria was still alive at this point and was still hunting for a way to kill the Cullens. Coming up with the accusation of an immortal child after seeing Renesmee was her way of doing it, only for her to be humiliated by learning that she was wrong and being torn to shreds by the wolves in front of everyone. You'll note that all of this makes a lot more sense if you replace "Irina" with "Victoria." quote:I heard Edward make a disgusted sound under his breath. Caius was ticking down his list, looking for an accusation that would stick. Just lie! Make poo poo up! Do whatever! You're supposed to be evil! quote:Irina’s shoulders stiffened. “That’s how I saw it.” Of course he didn't. The Illustrated Guide is even very clear that vampires are notorious for holding grudges to an extreme degree, hence Victoria going so far as to raise an army to avenge her mate being killed after he targeted the wrong human. What we're seeing is Irina behaving completely out of character for normally vengeance-fueled vampires because the Cullens are just so good and loving that she can't stay mad at them. quote:Irina’s jaw jerked up, her shoulders squared. “No, I have no complaint against the wolves, or the Cullens. You came here today to destroy an immortal child. No immortal child exists. This was my mistake, and I take full responsibility for it. But the Cullens are innocent, and you have no reason to still be here. I’m so sorry,” she said to us, and then she turned her face toward the Volturi witnesses. “There was no crime. There’s no valid reason for you to continue here.” Yes, it's all Irina's fault! The fact that the Cullens did nothing to try and prevent a misunderstanding and just relied on arranging overdramatic confrontations to resolve everything is meaningless! quote:Caius raised his hand as she spoke, and in it was a strange metal object, carved and ornate. The Volturi have custom flamethrowers. quote:With a small clicking sound, the fire shooting from Caius’s hand disappeared. A gasp rippled through the mass of witnesses behind the Volturi.
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Aug 17, 2020 21:35
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Hey, Native Americans! You know that thing that makes you special and is central to your culture? You're totally not the real deal, it's just a fake, bad copy of someone else.
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Aug 17, 2020 23:14
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How many of these chucklefucks has accidentally immolated themselves trying to trickshot a flamethrower out from under their robes through the years?
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Aug 18, 2020 07:17
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One common criticism of Stephenie Meyer is that she seems to be a writer who mostly thinks in terms of visuals, like she's writing a potential movie in her head rather than a decent book. Scenes like the Volturi arriving are written out in a way that she thinks would look badass on a movie screen but has hilarious implications for writing: they all arrive in a perfectly coordinated formation, exactly in step, arranged by color for a neat visual effect as they simultaneously fan out. There's no reason for them to do that unless they're try to be as extra as inhumanly possible and have spent ages practicing it to get it down to a science. They have custom, ornately shaped handheld flamethrowers to hide under their robes in case they need to execute any vampires, flamethrowers they either had to make themselves or have commissioned by skilled craftsmen. You see it with the other vampires, usually in descriptions of how they behave. They're constantly making exaggerated, screwed-up faces of rage, grief, agony, shock, horror, etc. and freezing them in place for Bella (i.e. the camera) to witness. Instead of explaining or discussing anything properly, they arrange for dramatic reveals even if they create a reaction that they need to calm down afterward. Instead of doing even one thing to blend in with the rest of the school, the Cullen kids constantly buy food just to throw it out and brood alone in the cafeteria while staring creepily at everyone, speaking in voices too low for anything but vampire hearing to pick up, before speeding away in expensive BMWs and Porsches.
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Aug 18, 2020 13:25
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Taking Irina down like that in about any other piece of media would immediately lead to a battle.
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Aug 18, 2020 13:29
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So, I couldn't remember how this scene went except for stuff with the shield, and in retrospect I think it's because there's absolutely no logical narrative flow. It's just waffling. Also taking Irina down like that is a really stupid idea for Law and Order, because it discourages people from reporting breaches if there's any chance they could be wrong. Logically, Irina reporting the Cullens when she thought she saw an immortal child was the right thing to do, even if confusing Reneesme for an immortal child is dumb for reasons already discussed. Furthermore, Aro, when reading Irina's memories to verify (presumably), also missed the signs Irina could have spotted.
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Aug 18, 2020 18:39
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No see, Volturi bad mean doodoo heads. Also it sounds like Bella's figuring out how to expand her shield required dropping her internal shield (I guess somehow protecting her from other people under her shield? Which makes no sense but anyway) means she should be readable by Edward now that she's covering him. Also the werewolf thing is just bizarre. Like, does that work the same for any other power? If Sam gets whammied with the blackout ability would all the others be taken out too? Could Kate take down all the werewolves by herself? Also please do a novel detailing the Volturi combating first the Romanians and then several OG werewolf infestations. TIA.
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Aug 18, 2020 18:45
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quote:In that second I understood that Caius had never underestimated the ties of a true family. This was the ploy. He had not wanted Irina’s complaint; he had wanted her defiance. His excuse to destroy her, to ignite the violence that filled the air like a thick, combustible mist. He had thrown a match. So here's my first question: why? Let's skip the same old bullshit "We'll all be destroyed! Woe is me!" Only Kate and Tanya are attacking over this, and they're the only two who loved Irina enough to be willing to charge blindly into a few dozen powerful vampires for vengeance. Most of the vampires here barely even care about the other groups, in fact! The Cullens in particular have been fine just sitting there staring for the most part. Caius's "brilliant plan" relies on every other vampire on the Cullens' side all deciding "gently caress it" and throwing themselves at the Volturi for the sake of two people they may have just met a few weeks ago. This is a leftover of trying to make Breaking Dawn fit in a Forever Dawn-shaped box. Originally, Victoria was the one behind the false accusations. She knew Renesmee was a hybrid, but wanted to get revenge against the Cullens and so she turned Riley into a vampire to make the actual accusation (to try and hide her own agenda). When this fails, the wolves kill her. Meyer still wanted her dramatic death scene in the climax, so she just crudely reworked it into Irina and had Caius start desperately cycling through an obvious list of false accusations and manipulations to get his way. This also serves to make the book way, way longer! quote:So did Edward. Why yes, he did. He's a telepath. In the last chapter he outright says there's "layers of strategy" running through the Volturi's minds, as they aren't even trying to hide their thoughts from him. He told Bella that they're got a whole list of potential accusations and actions they can use of Irina's accusation turns out to be false. Which means Edward has theoretically known the entire time what's been going on....and has just stood there doing nothing. Letting it all happen without saying a word. Again, this makes sense if it was Victoria who was being killed; he would have known she was lying and gladly stood there as she got torn to shreds. But because the names got changed, he's now just standing around waiting for someone who's supposedly of a coven that the Cullens treat like family to get murdered to force a battle. Looks like Caius was overestimating "the bonds of true family", since Edward seems completely apathetic. quote:“Stop them!” Edward cried out, jumping to grab Tanya’s arm as she lurched forward toward the smiling Caius with a maddened cry of pure rage. She couldn’t shake Edward off before Carlisle had his arms locked around her waist. Oh, now you'll tell her it was a Volturi plot? quote:Kate was harder to contain. Shrieking wordlessly like Tanya, she broke into the first stride of the attack that would end with everyone’s death. Rosalie was closest to her, but before Rose could clinch her in a headlock, Kate shocked her so violently that Rose crumpled to the ground. Emmett caught Kate’s arm and threw her down, then staggered back, his knees giving out. Kate rolled to her feet, and it looked like no one could stop her. You may ask yourself "Doesn't Kate's power need direct skin contact to work, so they should all be grabbing parts of her body that are clothed?" Why yes, that is true. Vampires are dumb. quote:“Zafrina,” Edward shouted. Don't try to puzzle out how Bella's powers are actually working here. It's futile and you'll just hurt yourself. quote:And then Garrett was in command of himself again, holding Kate to the snow. Why would we know what Irina would want? Outside of her last words, the only thing she's said was a few stammers about being mistaken about Renesmee. She didn't even appear until she was standing on a hill, face twisted in emotions like everyone else here, before running away. Irina was a complete non-character with no personality. quote:Tanya’s shoulders hunched with grief, and she leaned into Carlisle for support. Kate was finally still. Carlisle and Garrett continued to console the sisters with words too urgent to sound like comfort. Oh, never mind. Vampire vengeance and rage is now easily remedied by a few words of advice. Caius's dramatic murder to start a fight fizzled out in seconds. Aren't you glad this book is still going? quote:And my attention returned to the weight of the stares that pressed down on our moment of chaos. From the corners of my eyes, I could see that Edward and everyone else besides Carlisle and Garrett were on their guard again as well. How can you tell? This isn't a third-person book! quote:Did he understand what was happening now—did he see that my shield had grown in strength and subtlety far beyond what Edward knew me to be capable of? Or did he think Garrett had learned his own form of immunity? Who even gives a poo poo at this point? None of this poo poo matters. It's just words that are there. quote:The Volturi guard no longer stood at disciplined attention—they were crouched forward, waiting to spring the counterstrike the moment we attacked. How would you even know they're thinking that? quote:Without the immediate attack that Caius had counted on to distract from his rash act, the Volturi witnesses were left questioning exactly what was going on here. Aro glanced back swiftly while I watched, his face betraying him with one flash of vexation. His need for an audience had backfired badly. The Volturi, meant to be our driving antagonists of the entire series, are the worst loving villains. On a good day, they're an outright force for order in the vampire world and ensure the survival of both their species and humanity. On a bad day, they're scheming villains who lie and cheat and murder people on the spot just to further their plans. But they're also incredibly stupid. In general the characters are all insanely dumb 24/7, which means the Volturi have to be the biggest idiots of them all to get outmaneuvered. It calls into question if Aro even knew what Caius was doing or if he's just standing there in shock at what the dipshit did. quote:I heard Stefan and Vladimir murmur to each other in quiet glee at Aro’s discomfort. Thank you, Vampire Hitlers. quote:Aro was obviously concerned with keeping his white hat, as the Romanians had put it. But I didn’t believe that the Volturi would leave us in peace just to save their reputation. After they finished with us, surely they would slaughter their witnesses for that purpose. I felt a strange, sudden pity for the mass of the strangers the Volturi had brought to watch us die. Demetri would hunt them until they were extinct, too. Why????? That makes no loving sense! The Volturi have ruled vampire society and kept it successfully hidden for 1500 years at this point! All we've seen of them is that they'll let you live in peace as long as you don't risk exposing vampires to humanity! What possible loving motivation would they have to suddenly kill dozens of vampires and render the entire Quileute tribe extinct right now? You said right there that they could save their reputation by leaving in peace! quote:For Jacob and Renesmee, for Alice and Jasper, for Alistair, and for these strangers who had not known what today would cost them, Demetri had to die. Oh my God. quote:Aro touched Caius’s shoulder lightly. “Irina has been punished for bearing false witness against this child.” So that was to be their excuse. He went on. “Perhaps we should return to the matter at hand?” So did Caius act with Aro's knowledge or not? quote:Aro drifted forward, Renata, Felix, and Demetri automatically moving with him. What do you think is going to happen? Really? Edward's a mind reader. His power is so established that he could demonstrate it on any of the Volturi witnesses to prove it if they didn't believe him. It would be trivial for him to reveal their schemes to everyone, turning the Volturi's witnesses to their side by exposing the corruption and guaranteeing victory in a fight. So why doesn't he do it? Probably because of what we just heard. Bella pulls "The Volturi will inevitably kill us all and therefore I must attack Demetri" out of her rear end, but she's the viewpoint character who's virtually never shown to be factually wrong about any of her guesses unless the book outright tells you that it's questionable. Because Bella told us that a fight is inevitable, immediately having Edward do something like this means she either has to start a fight like she keeps implying or have Edward's actions immediately change the negotiating field and prove that Bella was wrong. quote:While Caius had blundered through useless accusations and injudicious attempts to trigger the fight, Aro must have been coming up with a more effective strategy. Make up your loving mind! One sentence it's making it out like Aro and Caius have planned out these "layers of strategy", another it's having Caius be an idiot ruining all of Aro's plans. quote:Aro ghosted across the snow to the far western end of our line, stopping about ten yards from Amun and Kebi. The nearby wolves bristled angrily but held their positions. As a reminder, vampires smell so bad to the wolves that it outright causes their noses to burn and drives them to instinctually attack. And the Cullens brought the whole loving pack out. quote:“Ah, Amun, my southern neighbor!” Aro said warmly. “It has been so long since you’ve visited me.” What? Is he mumbling through a closed mouth? quote:“So true,” Aro agreed. “But maybe you had another reason to stay away?” So Aro basically just admitted in front of everyone else that he's here to kidnap every talented vampire. quote:“But the reason for your presence here is not as pleasant, unfortunately. Carlisle called on you to witness?” Yes, we know. quote:“What else did you observe about the child?” Ah, a perfect time for Bella to start hissing and twisting her face in frozen fury again! quote:A hiss escaped my lips, and I was not alone. Half the vampires in our line echoed my protest. The sound was a low sizzle of fury hanging in the air. Across the meadow, a few of the Volturi witnesses made the same noise. Edward stepped back and wrapped a restraining hand around my wrist. So after all of this, nothing has gotten the Volturi witnesses to start turning against them except the possibility of the amazingly perfect and lovable hybrid child (who they have just seen for the first time ever) being harmed. quote:Aro did not turn to the noise, but Amun glanced around uneasily. "She's already learned how to be a manipulative bitch who bites her babysitters to get fed faster!" quote:Aro nodded, considering. After a moment, he turned away. And they will never be seen or matter again. quote:Aro was gliding back along the length of our line to the east, his guards hovering tensely. He stopped when he was in front of Siobhan’s massive form. That's been three head inclines in a row when talking to Aro. quote:“And you?” he asked. “Would you answer my questions the same way Amun has?” Not like it would be hard to blend in better than the vampires have... quote:“Can you think of none?” Aro asked soberly. Would you guys stop antagonizing them?! quote:Siobhan answered slowly, “I don’t think I follow you.” That is...technically correct, actually. quote:The only response was the tightening of already stretched nerves, and Maggie, at the fringes of our band of fighters, shaking her head with slow anger. What's this whole "floating" thing? She's been using that since New Moon. quote:“She is unique… utterly, impossibly unique. Such a waste it would be, to destroy something so lovely. Especially when we could learn so much…” He sighed, as if unwilling to go on. “But there is danger, danger that cannot simply be ignored.” One that I'm sure he practiced in the mirror many times. quote:“How ironic it is that as the humans advance, as their faith in science grows and controls their world, the more free we are from discovery. Yet, as we become ever more uninhibited by their disbelief in the supernatural, they become strong enough in their technologies that, if they wished, they could actually pose a threat to us, even destroy some of us. And that, right there, is the most bullshit way Aro could have put it. Is it completely known that there's zero danger whatsoever? No, not exactly. Renesmee's mysterious ability to put everyone under her spell instantly is absolutely a cause for concern. But they don't seem to even consider that (likely because Meyer herself doesn't consider it anything except a sign of how pure and precious Renesmee is), and instead Aro makes a vague "Well the unknown is scary, so we must destroy it" monologue that can easily be countered by a simplistic moral. quote:Caius’s smile widened viciously. Please stop making it obvious how bullshit this is. quote:“You’re reaching, Aro,” Carlisle said in a bleak voice. Do you just classify people by where they live? quote:Garrett’s chin lifted. His eyes focused on the huddled mass at the end of the meadow, and he spoke directly to the Volturi witnesses. There! Another lifted chin! quote:“I came here at Carlisle’s request, as the others, to witness,” he said. “That is certainly no longer necessary, with regard to the child. We all see what she is. Yes, the Cullens and Denali have been such a close family! They've never once been making plans for how to maim and kill each other to get their way, or refusing to help in a battle because one of their members is upset at the other coven! They've truly been unified forever through the power of Love and Deer Blood! quote:I watched Aro’s face as Garrett’s words condemned him, waiting tensely for some response. But Aro’s face was only politely amused, as if waiting for a tantrum-throwing child to realize that no one was paying attention to his histrionics. Oh, like we've been this entire series? quote:“Carlisle assured us all, when he told us what was coming, that he did not call us here to fight. These witnesses”—Garrett pointed to Siobhan and Liam—“agreed to give evidence, to slow the Volturi advance with their presence so that Carlisle would get the chance to present his case. Give the nomads liberty or give them death! The stupidest part is he's all "We have one with a gift of knowing!" and not only are there two of them (Maggie and Edward), neither has said anything! They've just been standing around, growling and making faces and squeezing their fists without saying a goddamn word. It's taken Garrett, someone we barely know who likewise barely knows them, to actually step forward and tell everyone what's going on. But why should the nomads care? They've been living their life unhindered for centuries. The Volturi don't give a poo poo about them. If they let the Cullens die for defying the Volturi, they lose nothing. All we have to go on is everyone claiming that the Volturi are so comically evil that they'll murder every witness in a rage after this. quote:He turned, then, to face the ancients. “So come, I say! Let’s hear no more lying rationalizations. Be honest in your intents as we will be honest in ours. We will defend our freedom. You will or will not attack it. Choose now, and let these witnesses see the true issue debated here.” He's basically speaking out loud what I've been saying: we have no way of knowing which way this is going, it shifts gears so hard between paragraphs that it causes whiplash, and it's clearly multiple competing ideas all smashing into one another. quote:He ended his heated speech by stepping back to Kate’s side and then sliding forward in a half-crouch, prepared for the onslaught. battle pose quote:Aro smiled. “A very pretty speech, my revolutionary friend.” Because vampires are basically locked as they are at the time of their transformation, Garrett is canonically stuck in the American Revolution mindset. quote:Garrett glared back furiously. It's impossible to tell who's motivated by what at this point. The Cullens came into this saying that they want a peaceful resolution through negotiation. Eleazar tells them the Volturi are using this as a pretense to recruit whoever's most powerful and will lie and cheat to just kill everyone else and take what they want. Bella is convinced that a fight is about to happen but also wants people to negotiate but also wants everyone to stand up to the Volturi and call them out but also thinks nobody should do that because it'll just start a fight and they'll LOSE and ALL DIE and OH MY GOD I'M SO DEPRESSED I think Forever Dawn was just over by this point. Once the deception got revealed and Victoria was killed, there was no real tension left. This climax has lasted several long chapters now and nothing has really happened at all except Irina's execution. It's spinning its wheels. quote:The witnesses met his gaze with careful faces. One, a small black-haired woman, looked briefly at the dark blond male at her side. What was that? You wanted more characters dropped on you? Here you go! Makenna and Charles are yet another pair of vampires that are so much more interesting than Edward and Bella that it's a crime. According to the Illustrated Guide, Makenna grew up in a family in Malta whose distant ancestor, Luca, chose to remain with his mortal family for the next 1500 years to guide and protect them. Select members of the family would remain mortal or be turned, with Luca being kind to his family and helping them prosper. Renata of the Volturi guard was actually one of his family members, turned in the 1260s. Makenna was turned in 1946 and she changed Charles, a Danish law student she was in love with before she became a vampire and willingly accepted the transformation to stay with her. quote:“Ah,” Aro said sadly. “I’m sorry you see us in that way. But such is the nature of our work.” Sorry, maize-haired mate? I can't move past that phrase. quote:“Do not fear us, friend Charles. No doubt the patriot truly believes what he says,” Aro chuckled lightly, and Charles’s eyes narrowed. How far were they from the trees? Did everyone just stand there for 5 minutes watching them? quote:I evaluated the thirty-seven vampires that stayed. A few of them appeared just too confused to make the decision. But the majority of them seemed only too aware of the direction this confrontation had taken. I guessed that they were giving up a head start in favor of knowing exactly who would be chasing after them. "Breathed"? Why are you talking like you're enraptured and ready to blow him? quote:Aro smiled and turned to his black-clad companions. Ah, hello Marcus. Nice to see you join us. quote:Aro turned his back to us again, facing the other ancients. They joined hands to form a black-shrouded triangle. Oh yeah, Bella has still been in the pose of motherhood clutching Renesmee this entire time. quote:“You remember what I told you?” "There's not like, clothes or food or anything in there. Just a bunch of money so he can walk naked into a store and buy everything else. Also I forgot to get you a visa for going to Brazil, but I'm sure you can manage that on your own! Bye kids!" Oh yeah, don't forget that she just told the Alpha of the pack that all the other wolves get to die. He gets to run away and live with his girl, every other member of the tribe gets slaughtered for his benefit! quote:Edward’s and Jacob’s faces were almost identical masks of horror, despite the fact that one of them was an animal. That looks a lot funnier than you probably imagined in your head, Meyer. quote:Renesmee reached for Edward, and he took her in his arms. They hugged each other tightly. He's finally realizing that Bella arranged everything so that they two of them would have to kill themselves and leave their daughter and her groomer behind. quote:Jacob was growling quietly, a low rasp that was as even and unbroken as a purr. His hackles were stiff and his teeth exposed. "Your brain is completely overtaken by an obsessive need to do everything she commands!" quote:He whined again, and dipped his head to butt it against my shoulder. That, right there, wins for the creepiest line in the book. quote:The others were not oblivious to the farewell scene. Their eyes were locked on the silent black triangle, but I could tell they were listening. In case you had any questions, that's Bella right there telling you that she and Edward are both back to their mutually suicidal behavior from New Moon. As soon as they come under threat, they both immediately fling themselves into the fire and deny their daughter her parents, traumatizing her for life, to leave her with the moody teenager who's supposed to groom her into his bride. quote:Esme’s breath was ragged behind me. She moved past us, touching our faces as she passed, to stand beside Carlisle and hold his hand. Would you have ever guessed they were meant to be lovers now if I hadn't told you? quote:Rosalie and Emmett kissed quickly but passionately. Maggie? Nah, she doesn't exist. quote:There was no change in the silent, still forms of the counseling ancients. But perhaps there was some signal I’d missed.
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Aug 18, 2020 19:58
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A tear the size of a baseball means Jacob has eyes like a giant squid.
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Aug 18, 2020 20:35
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I think that was supposed to be a big Law and Order courtroom showdown but geez.
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Aug 18, 2020 20:52
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I would love a sequel where Reneesme actually does grow up to be an immense evil.
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Aug 18, 2020 21:30
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Dienes posted:A tear the size of a baseball means Jacob has eyes like a giant squid. "Identical looks of horror." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXgSLTABjU4
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Aug 18, 2020 21:40
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Aug 18, 2020 22:31
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It's starting? What's starting? A musical number? This is Twilight, things don't happen.
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Aug 19, 2020 01:22
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It is definitely not starting, Alice and Jasper are just coming back with the resolution to the plot so no action has bother to happen. Seems about time for that.
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Aug 19, 2020 04:40
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Shwoo posted:It is definitely not starting, Alice and Jasper are just coming back with the resolution to the plot so no action has bother to happen. Well that's completely silly! Despite all prior knowledge, Bella has been very clear that Alice and Jasper ran away in fear! Showing up like that with an immediate end to all hostilities would make about a quarter of the book completely useless! There's no way Stephenie Meyer would do that!
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Aug 19, 2020 05:12
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Right now I'm mostly just invested in seeing if the Cullens agree to somehow sacrifice Leah as a show of good faith for peace.
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Aug 19, 2020 05:18
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Grammarchist posted:Right now I'm mostly just invested in seeing if the Cullens agree to somehow sacrifice Leah as a show of good faith for peace. Spoilers for the film version: the huge battle that never happens is all a premonition of Alice’s and in it Leah falls to her death in wolf form due to Benjamin’s powers being out of control. She doesn’t even get lines in the film.
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Aug 19, 2020 12:55
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SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL posted:Spoilers for the film version: the huge battle that never happens is all a premonition of Alice’s and in it Leah falls to her death in wolf form due to Benjamin’s powers being out of control. She doesn’t even get lines in the film. I really have no desire to see the movies or read the books (beyond what's here), so I read that spoiler. So was this presented as Everyone in the audience knows it's just a premonition because it's part of the film's narrative or it was a big old "it was all just a dream"? Because while both are enormous wastes of time narratively speaking, but the second option is unforgivable and therefore a far more hilarious situation to me
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Aug 19, 2020 17:03
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Proteus Jones posted:I really have no desire to see the movies or read the books (beyond what's here), so I read that spoiler. The latter. It was basically a giant troll on the fanbase.
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Aug 19, 2020 17:11
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MrNemo posted:No see, Volturi bad mean doodoo heads. It's even stupider than that. Everyone else can affect each other under the shield, but nothing can affect her because of Reasons. I don't think she has a separate internal shield unless I misread that. Also for people who haven't had the pleasure of watching the movie, the fight starts with Carlisle dying. It ends with Bella killing Aro. hyperhazard fucked around with this message at 18:23 on Aug 19, 2020 |
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Aug 19, 2020 18:17
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e =/= q
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Aug 19, 2020 18:21
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Motherfucker I'm tired
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Aug 19, 2020 18:22
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chitoryu12 posted:The latter. It was basically a giant troll on the fanbase. 
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Aug 20, 2020 00:49
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Chapter 38: Powerquote:“Chelsea is trying to break our bindings," Edward whispered. “But she can’t find them. She can’t feel us here.…” His eyes cut to me. “Are you doing that?” From tearful goodbyes to your daughter and family to smiling smugly about how awesome you are. Also, there's another huge Volturi problem showing up here. The Cullens are absolutely convinced that the end is nigh, they're all about to be killed. But as I asked before: why? They've gone over how Renesmee clearly isn't an immortal child and is not a present danger, even if she might change to become one in the future. The "trial" has shifted to being entirely about whether or not Renesmee should be allowed to live or if the risk is too great, plus a minor aside of Garrett making an anarchist rant. They've never implied that they plan on killing everyone else for making a hybrid. Their concern has been entirely on Renesmee being an unknown. Technically the only reason we have to believe it is because Bella keeps insisting they're evil, but I have my own theory: the rest of the Cullens know that Bella and Edward will fight to the death as soon as the Volturi go after their daughter and Jacob will turn it into a chase. This will in turn force the rest of the Quileute to charge into battle to save his rear end, children included. There's no way the Romanians won't take the opportunity to start ripping heads off. It will look very obvious from the Volturi side that the Cullens and their allies set this up. Bella and Edward (with the mind controlled assistance of Jacob) have basically acted in a way to force a battle. It's all arranged so that either they win, or everyone on their side dies. quote:Edward lurched away from me suddenly, his hand reaching out toward Carlisle. At the same time, I felt a much sharper jab against the shield where it wrapped protectively around Carlisle’s light. It wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t pleasant, either. "Lurched"? How the hell is he moving here? quote:“Carlisle? Are you all right?” Edward gasped frantically. Even in the middle of blocking attacks, Edward has to stop to heap praise on Bella's perfection. For things he already knows she can do! quote:“Why aren’t they waiting for the decision?” Tanya hissed. Why the hell would you have Jane do that? She's a sadistic torturer! Alec can just blind and deafen them! How is anyone going to support the Volturi if they see potentially innocent vampires being tortured just as the equivalent of leg shackles? quote:I looked across at Jane, who was staring at our group with furious disbelief. I was pretty sure that, besides me, she’d never seen anyone remain standing through her fiery assault. Bella, who thinks the Volturi are way more powerful than all of them and will kill all of them effortlessly if this turns into a fight, has just informed all of them that she can neutralize their powers. Which makes her their #1 target in a fight. quote:Jane let out a high-pitched scream of a snarl. Everyone jumped, even the disciplined guard. Everyone but the ancients, who didn’t so much as look up from their conference. Her twin caught her arm as she crouched to spring. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIaFtAKnqBU quote:The Romanians started chuckling with dark anticipation. Great. You brought the guys who would probably attack even if you didn't want them to. quote:Alec patted his sister’s shoulder soothingly, then tucked her under his arm. He turned his face to us, perfectly smooth, completely angelic. I thought you were supposed to be the badass super vampire who can block every attack? As soon as the Designated Girl Fights end, Bella is suddenly stumbling and pawing at her big husband for help. quote:“Yes,” he whispered. Why? Everyone else's powers work instantly. quote:I saw it then, when I had a clue of what to look for. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BN1WwnEDWAM Yes, what if your totally impenetrable shield that has never been broken by anything would suddenly fail right now and everyone has to run or die? This is the most laughable attempt at adding tension I've ever seen, especially in such a best-selling book. Who needs actual stakes or damage taken when you can just have the protagonist succeed at everything but go "What if I fail and everyone dies and it's all my fault?" once or twice a page? quote:A low rumbling murmured through the ground under our feet, and a gust of wind blew the snow into sudden flurries between our position and the Volturi’s. Benjamin had seen the creeping threat, too, and now he tried to blow the mist away from us. The snow made it easy to see where he threw the wind, but the mist didn’t react in any way. It was like air blowing harmlessly through a shadow; the shadow was immune. You idiot! It's a psychic power! You can't just blow on it! quote:The triangular formation of the ancients finally broke apart when, with a racking groan, a deep, narrow fissure opened in a long zigzag across the middle of the clearing. The earth rocked under my feet for a moment. The drifts of snow plummeted into the hole, but the mist skipped right across it, as untouched by gravity as it had been by wind. Jesus Christ, Ben! You just opened a rift in the Earth's crust to try and make a psychic power fall into it! You've destabilized the geography of the Pacific Northwest because you thought gravity worked on magic! It's absolutely unfathomable how stupid the vampires in these books are. quote:They didn’t speak; they waited, too, as the mist approached us. The wind shrieked louder but didn’t change the course of the mist. Jane was smiling now. How the hell does Alec even succeed at incapacitating anyone? It's moving so slowly that you can see it coming! Wait, what is this power? She's so far called it a mist, a hazy shimmer, and a shadow. None of these look like the others! quote:And then the mist hit a wall. Why is she suddenly tasting and feeling all of the powers hitting her shield? She never did that before. quote:The mist curled upward, seeking a breach, a weakness. It found none. The fingers of searching haze twisted upward and around, trying to find a way in, and in the process illustrating the astonishing size of the protective screen. "Cheering" and "low voice" are completely different things! quote:My smile returned. Where did all of the drama from the last chapter go? I mean it sucked but at least Meyer was trying to build some kind of tension. Now Bella's just standing here smugly blocking every attack and grinning while the Volturi scream and stamp their feet in frustration. quote:I could see Alec’s narrowed eyes, doubt on his face for the first time as his mist swirled harmlessly around the edges of my shield. Yes, that's what I've been loving saying! You can block all their powers and you have someone who can blind the rest of them and a guy who can throw loving fireballs at them but somehow hasn't had that idea this whole time! Hell, the only reason they know to target you first is because you were making it really obvious that you were doing this! Seriously, this is the dumbest book I've ever read. Even Handbook for Mortals didn't have this many people acting this dumb for this long to keep the plot moving. quote:“I’m going to have to concentrate,” I whispered to Edward. “When it comes to hand to hand, it’s going to be harder to keep the shield around the right people.” Are these the special vampire whispers that other vampires can't all hear from a hundred yards away? Just checking. quote:“I’d go after Jane and Alec myself, but I can do more good here.” No teamwork allowed! Everyone takes one (1) Volturi in a duel! Meyer's obsession with equal numbers in a fight seems to be because she can't imagine any sort of tactics. Only Tanya is bothering to go after the leaders, and only out of personal vengeance. Alec and Jane's powers are neutralized, so why not go after the big dudes like Felix who can actually brawl without powers? quote:Aro, staring calmly at Alec’s ineffective mist, finally spoke. Yes, you do want to fight, don't you? Is that why it seems like you've arranged everything so that you'd make a fight and dramatic sacrifice of everyone inevitable? Think about it. They did nothing to inform the Volturi of Bella being transformed in accordance with their decree and did nothing to communicate with them about Renesmee when warned that they would be finding out about her. Instead, the Cullens gathered multiple covens with long-standing rivalries with the Volturi (including allowing the presence of their greatest enemies, who want nothing more than to kill them and rule the world as they believe is their right) and the entire Quileute tribe (even the children!) as backup warriors. They put everyone through overly dramatic reveals of Renesmee without explanation, any of which could have ended in a fatal disaster, and then pulled the same stunt on the Volturi even knowing it could go wrong. When Bella found out that she had access to a document and identity forger, she purposefully only got documents for Jacob and Renesmee. When making plans for the battle, she doesn't hesitate before sending Edward out to fight while she stays in the back with Zafrina protecting her. She's barely been restraining herself from tearing the Volturi's throats out during these negotiations and has a known history of senseless attempts to die. It's very easy to interpret this entire third book as Bella, subconsciously or otherwise, feeding her fatalistic desire to sacrifice herself. Unwilling to merely throw herself on the pyre, everything has been brought to a place where Bella Swan will sacrifice her entire family, the entire Quileute population, and multiple smaller covens and dozens of nomads in one big confrontation in the snow. A Hitler-esque scorched earth policy on everything she knows. quote:“Let me remind you,” Aro continued, “whatever the council’s decision, there need be no violence here.” How do you snarl a laugh? quote:Aro stared at him sadly. “It will be a regrettable waste to our kind to lose any of you. But you especially, young Edward, and your newborn mate. The Volturi would be glad to welcome many of you into our ranks. Bella, Benjamin, Zafrina, Kate. There are many choices before you. Consider them.” Benjamin can control the loving elements! He just fractured the planet's crust right in front of you! quote:“Let us vote, then,” he said with apparent reluctance. Yes, you'll definitely manage to win the battle. What with your utter lack of functioning powers, the enemy having the most powerful vampires in existence, and your witnesses fleeing instead of backing you up. Granted, they might have a chance with how stupid our protagonists are. quote:I fought back a shriek of defiance to answer his cruel smirk. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOGTd1vejKw quote:Marcus lifted his uncaring eyes, seeming to look through us as he voted. Marcus just wants to return to sitting and doing nothing forever. quote:None of the guard relaxed their ready positions at his disagreeing words. Caius’s anticipatory grin did not falter. It was as if Marcus hadn’t spoken at all. Why is Marcus even one of the leaders? He does nothing. It's canon that he's so depressed over his wife dying that he just sits around moping forever. He isn't even respected by the rest of the Volturi. quote:“I must make the deciding vote, it seems,” Aro mused. Even when he's happy in victory, Edward manages to naturally look terrifying. quote:There was a low reaction from the guard, an uneasy murmur. Except in New Moon, when he was extremely lenient about the breach in vampire law. quote:“The danger you foresee from my daughter—this stems entirely from our inability to guess how she will develop? That is the crux of the matter?” Why is his voice growing in pitch as he speaks? Is he inhaling helium? quote:Edward chuckled exultantly. “Then I do have something more to offer.” You can't "chuckle exultantly." quote:Aro’s eyes narrowed. “She is absolutely unique. Her future can only be guessed at.” So....all the stuff about how Renesmee is perfect and unique and that's why she's so special was bullshit all along? quote:I fought the shock, the sudden hope springing to life, as it threatened to distract me. The sickly-looking mist still swirled around the edges of my shield. And, as I struggled to focus, I felt again the sharp, stabbing pressure against my protective hold.  quote:Aro raised one hand. “Peace, dear ones. Let us hear him out.” Alice! quote:Relief and violent joy surged through me. It took all my will to keep the shield where it was. Alec’s mist still tested, seeking a weakness—Jane would see if I left any holes. So when she's happy, her shield doesn't work. quote:And then I heard them running through the forest, flying, closing the distance as quickly as they could with no slowing effort at silence. Of course, the other Amazonian just has to be wild and freaky. quote:The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. chitoryu12 fucked around with this message at 06:56 on Aug 21, 2020 |
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Aug 20, 2020 21:14
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Alice? Alice! Alice Alice? Alice Alice Alice. Alice......... Alice.
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Aug 21, 2020 06:57
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Please don't tell me that the new ending is mating Renesmee and the other human-vampire hybrid and Jacob ends up in a reverse male harem.
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Aug 21, 2020 08:35
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Leng posted:Please don't tell me that the new ending is mating Renesmee and the other human-vampire hybrid and Jacob ends up in a reverse male harem. Alice.
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Aug 21, 2020 13:15
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Now I'm imagining Zero from the X-Series rushing in to start shouting Alice melodramatically. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IPIPLM8ELY&t=42s
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Aug 21, 2020 18:04
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chitoryu12 posted:Alice? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAhG9D9UO7c
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Aug 21, 2020 18:30
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quote:Alice leaped lightly over the edges of the dissipating mist that lapped at my shield and came to a sinuous stop at Edward’s side. I reached out to touch her arm, and so did Edward, Esme, Carlisle. There wasn’t time for any other welcome. Jasper and the others followed her through the shield. Shut up. Seriously, just shut up. There's no battle happening now. Edward just made a big deal of bringing another hybrid out and told the reader exactly what the purpose is. We loving know there's not going to be a fight. All of this is pointless. quote:Edward, despite his absorption in the coup he was directing, stiffened furiously in response to their thoughts. He controlled himself and spoke to Aro again. This isn't a "coup"! Someone take away Meyer's dictionary until she knows what words mean. quote:“Alice has been searching for her own witnesses these last weeks,” he said to the ancient. “And she does not come back empty-handed. Alice, why don’t you introduce the witnesses you’ve brought?” Caius can't even stop himself from making it obvious to everyone else. quote:Aro raised one finger to silence his brother, his eyes glued to Alice’s face.  Huilen was played by Mexican-Lipan Apache-American actress Marisa Quinn. She's a multi-media worker with a relatively brief film and TV career that includes minor roles on Sons of Anarchy and Longmire while also working as a vocalist and photographer. She previously had her own media company and eco-friendly clothing line, both of which appear to be defunct now.  Nahuel, the only important character of the eleventh hour, was played by JD Pardo. He was born in Los Angeles to an Argentine mother and Salvadoran father, making a classic move from small time modeling to acting. Since Breaking Dawn he's had main cast roles as Jason Neville on Revolution and Raul Garcia on The Messengers, before landing the ongoing lead role of EZ Reyes on Mayans MC, the spinoff of Sons of Anarchy. quote:Hearing her voice… it was like she’d never left. From our perspective, she didn't! drat near every chapter repeatedly referenced her and what she was doing or planning behind the scenes. I can't believe any reader would actually think she really ran away despite everyone else telling us over and over that she totally did. quote:Caius’s eyes tightened as Alice named the relationship between the newcomers. The Volturi witnesses hissed amongst themselves. The vampire world was changing, and everyone could feel it. Why are you hissing? It's not even a threat! It's just another hybrid showing up as evidence! This field must sound like a parking lot full of punctured tires. quote:“Speak, Huilen,” Aro commanded. “Give us the witness you were brought to bear.” Thank you, Kachiri. You have been very helpful. I see why they kept you in the mov--oh wait no they didn't. You're yet another named character who exists as a prop. Funny enough, she's still done more than Mary and Randall. Who even remembered they were part of the witnesses? They haven't been mentioned once since the argument with Amun in the house! quote:“I am Huilen,” the woman announced in clear but strangely accented English. As she continued, it was apparent she had prepared herself to tell this story, that she had practiced. It flowed like a well-known nursery rhyme. “A century and a half ago, I lived with my people, the Mapuche. My sister was Pire. Our parents named her after the snow on the mountains because of her fair skin. And she was very beautiful—too beautiful. She came to me one day in secret and told me of the angel that found her in the woods, that visited her by night. I warned her.” Huilen shook her head mournfully. “As if the bruises on her skin were not warning enough. I knew it was the Libishomen of our legends, but she would not listen. She was bewitched. Now, hundreds of pages later, we're returning to the garbled Brazilian legends from the honeymoon. The first problem is with her "people." "Mapuche" is a collective term for various indigenous peoples of what's now Chile and Argentina, not Brazil (but all brown people are alike, right?), and the actual Mapuche prefer to identify by their individual geographic areas (especially if she's 150 years old). There's almost 2 million people under the Mapuche umbrella, so Huilen is being about as specific as if she said "I lived with my people, the Indians." The second problem is just plain racism: Pire, the most beautiful girl in the tribe, was of course the one with the palest skin. Stephenie Meyer has found a way to whitewash indigenous South Americans. quote:“She told me when she was sure her dark angel’s child was growing inside her. I didn’t try to discourage her from her plan to run away—I knew even our father and mother would agree that the child must be destroyed, Pire with it. I went with her into the deepest parts of the forest. She searched for her demon angel but found nothing. I cared for her, hunted for her when her strength failed. She ate the animals raw, drinking their blood. I needed no more confirmation of what she carried in her womb. I hoped to save her life before I killed the monster. Yes, the deepest parts of the forest. Of Argentina. quote:“But she loved the child inside her. She called him Nahuel, after the jungle cat, when he grew strong and broke her bones—and loved him still. "Nahuel" really is a given name taken from a Mapuche word for "jaguar", which means Meyer actually did her research and still conflated Brazilian and Mapuche people! quote:“I could not save her. The child ripped his way free of her, and she died quickly, begging all the while that I would care for her Nahuel. Her dying wish—and I agreed. Remember how Renesmee was said to be biting Jacob repeatedly and everyone said it was okay because he would instantly heal from it? You'd think the venom in her bites would prevent that, right? quote:“I cared for him until he was able to hunt for himself. We hunted the villages around our forest, staying to ourselves. We have never come so far from our home, but Nahuel wished to see the child here.” Look back and note that Huilen is a red-eyed vampire, which means she's a people eater. But Nahuel has the golden eyes of someone who only drinks animal blood. The only way this makes sense is if Huilen knows she can survive on animals and is willingly refusing to change and stop killing people. quote:Huilen bowed her head when she was finished and moved back so she was partially hidden behind Kachiri. The Mapuche people have long since integrated as a whole into the Spanish-descended culture of Chile and Argentina. But because he's a weird, dirty native, Meyer writes him as still being an isolated jungle boy....who has almost no accent when he speaks English. Huilen, who's physically older, still has an accent. Why? quote:“And you reached maturity at what age?” And there is the point where Meyer realizes she hosed up, but can't go back and change what she's already established to fit in better. Nahuel is the single hybrid in existence with venom who can change humans into vampires! quote:A shocked murmur ran through all three groups. Why do you keep shrugging? You've been told that you're here to testify before the most powerful vampires, the ones who rule you and will kill you if you step out of line, and you're acting like a bored jerk! quote:Aro stared wildly for a moment before composing his face. How do you "stare wildly"? quote:“Perhaps you would tell us the rest of your story, for there seems to be more.” Unfortunately. quote:Nahuel frowned. “My father came looking for me a few years after my mother’s death.” His handsome face distorted slightly. “He was pleased to find me.” Nahuel’s tone suggested the feeling was not mutual. “He had two daughters, but no sons. He expected me to join him, as my sisters had. Wait, hang on. You can't just drop some loving plot point like "A vampire is creating a super race of hybrids around the world" at the very end of the book! Not like it would mean much, because it sounds like Joham is an idiot. Vampires are the super race. In most fiction with dhampirs or other half-vampires, they're special because they get the best of both worlds: power close enough to a normal vampire without their weaknesses (like burning in sunlight). Twilight vampires have no weaknesses compared to humans except for looking like body glitter addicts and being overemotional dumbasses, while hybrids have no advantages over them whatsoever except for not sparkling. quote:Caius looked at me. “Your daughter, is she venomous?” he demanded harshly. Snapped up at whose question? Yes, this mix-up really is in the print and Kindle copies of the books. quote:Caius looked to Aro for confirmation, but Aro was absorbed in his own thoughts. He pursed his lips and stared at Carlisle, and then Edward, and at last his eyes rested on me. Did you just openly tell Nahuel that you plan on killing every hybrid? quote:Aro stared into my eyes for a long, tense moment. I had no idea what he was searching for, or what he found, but after he had measured me for that moment, something in his face changed, a faint shift in the set of his mouth and eyes, and I knew that Aro had made his decision. And there you have it, folks. quote:Caius scowled. “And this Joham? This immortal so fond of experimentation?” By the standards of a vampire, or.... quote:Aro nodded, his expression solemn. And then he turned back to his guard with a warm smile. Shut the gently caress up. quote:I analyzed their expressions as Aro turned back to us. His face was as benign as ever, but unlike before, I sensed a strange blankness behind the façade. As if his scheming was over. Caius was clearly incensed, but his rage was turned inward now; he was resigned. Marcus looked… bored; there really was no other word for it. The guard was impassive and disciplined again; there were no individuals among them, just the whole. They were in formation, ready to depart. The Volturi witnesses were still wary; one after another, they departed, scattering into the woods. As their numbers dwindled, the remaining sped up. Soon they were all gone. There you go. That's the climax to this book. Think about how many chapters you've read of all the preparation. Gathering the witnesses, learning to fight, J. Jenks and the two chapters of Bella agonizing over how Jacob and Renesmee are totally going to be the only survivors of the tragedy that is to come because she only thought to get IDs for two of them. A climax that lasts dozens of pages and implies that a fight is starting at the end of each chapter, only to move on to even more talking, and a speech demanding rebellion against the Volturi. The Volturi outright saying they want to steal all of the best vampires for themselves and making it clear that Renesmee's existence is just an excuse to show up. People divvying up their opponents and forming their strategy. And then right as it's about to happen, a Deus Ex Machina flies in. One that Alice has secretly been working toward getting to them this whole time, which instantly renders all of the previous negotiation moot. Renesmee, the most special character of them all, turns out to be a normal phenomenon that most vampires just haven't heard of somehow. The characters who were supposed to be the main antagonists of the series, with all the books building up to a climactic battle, just decide they were wrong after they can't lie and leave. Stephenie Meyer just copped out of the entire climax of the Twilight series. Breaking Dawn sent the fandom into an uproar. Its poor quality and random plot was bad enough, but this was what clinched it. They felt cheated. Meyer attempted to defend her choices as ones that would be ultimately accepted should the fandom give them time, but instead the fandom has turned on her even more in the decade since. The movie, though? They ain't about that poo poo. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qpWh3d_qd0 Alice walks up to Aro and allows him to read her mind, so he can see everything she said for himself. But she realizes that no matter what she shows him, he'll never change his mind. He truly was the evil mastermind Bella insisted he was. Jacob runs, Alice is grabbed, and Carlisle attacks.....and is swiftly decapitated. The two sides clash in the biggest battle ever seen in the series. Benjamin breaks a gigantic fissure in the Earth all the way to the mantle, sending Volturi screaming to their deaths in magma. Jasper and several of the wolves are killed, while Emmett manages to tear a man's body off his head and Caius is given a death that would leave this movie R-rated if he wasn't made of rock. The Volturi are finally destroyed, and the last thing Aro's decapitated head sees is the fire consuming it.... ....and it was all a vision of the future that awaited the Volturi if they attacked. Alice had told Aro that if it came to a battle, they would lose. They leave. This was possibly the greatest troll ever made by any movie on its audience. With no hint as to what was really happening, it looked like the scriptwriters had radically changed the ending to one that kills most of the cast and some of the most beloved characters. All just to reveal it was basically a prank at the end. The book made the fandom mad, but the movie had people screaming in theaters. quote:It was very quiet. I did not drop my shield. You guys are massive loving cowards. Shut up. quote:Alice laughed with him. “Seriously, people. They’re not coming back. Everybody can relax now.” Hey, let's cover something real quick. How does Alice know this? Did anyone notice how much the climax involved werewolves and hybrids, both things Alice explicitly can't see? Anyone remember how in New Moon the presence of even one Quileute shapeshifter in Bella's future instantly rendered Alice blind to her actions? And now think about how much preparation Alice did here. The J. Jenks note. Finding witnesses. Finding another hybrid in South America. All based on the time she spent running through possible futures after learning the Volturi were coming. Because she could see everything perfectly. The entire climax is a plot hole. quote:There was another beat of silence. The moment you've been waiting for 1500 years. And that's the best you can come up with when it fizzles? quote:And then it hit. I'm so sorry the bigger villains couldn't get to rule the world again! quote:And I half-climbed the giant russet wolf to rip my daughter off his back and then crushed her to my chest. Edward’s arms were around us in the same second. And just like that, the name that Bella was psychotically against, to the point of making wild eyes and snapping at people for using it in front of her, is now her name. quote:“I get to stay with you?” Nessie demanded. If you want to avoid having your precious child character looking like a brat, maybe make better word choices. quote:“Forever,” I promised her. All that time we spent wondering if Renesmee would rapidly age and die young? Completely worthless. quote:Happiness expanded like an explosion inside me—so extreme, so violent that I wasn’t sure I’d survive it.
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Aug 21, 2020 20:10
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So there's an inhuman monster fatally impregnating women across the Western Hemisphere to breed an army and the only people who see stopping him as a moral imperative are the villains?
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Aug 21, 2020 21:59
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Aug 21, 2020 22:28
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Aug 21, 2020 22:48
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What the hell did I just read?! That's the worst ending to the worst story, ever.
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Aug 22, 2020 03:10
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I never saw the movie. That fakeout battle was a godly troll, especially with the book's ending right next to it for comparison. It really shows the utter disdain that the actors and crew had for these books.  The book's climax is godawful, of course, but it is comical that, after all that posturing and then Aro resorting to fully unmasking, Alice shows up out of nowhere and completely owns him. The Volturi fully unmasked their evil in front of a mass of witnesses, including their own picks, and they got absolutely loving nothing for it. Everyone else will go home, spread the news, and the Volturi are going to lose their legitimacy. The Volturi are only special because of two things: Chelsea's power enables many vampires to cooperate in their guard instead of the usual instinctual infighting that would occur. Aro has also collected a group of powerful witches that completely disable enemies, while Renata ensures Aro is safe from ambush. At some point the Cullens actually had the winning strategy: take out the twins and then disable Renata or use an ability that goes through her shield. A competent writer would have done a better job of seeding the idea that the Volturi - effecticely Aro and Caius - act out of self interest. They just have good PR. Any group with sufficient numbers or the right witch setup could eliminate rogue vampires. If Bella controls her shield properly and Zafrina can blind the guard, then Kate could take out the entire guard while dancing and painting her nails. Her taser ability would prevent any retaliation while she decapitates everyone . Benjamin would be even easier if he just set everyone on fire. Stephanie Meyer, however, just chickened out and dragged Deus Ex Alice in to curb stomp the social boss fight. I can't believe that film clip inspired me to write this much about this awful book. 
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Aug 22, 2020 08:09
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Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After Fun fact: this book includes a table of contents with named chapters, so reading the very first pages will actually spoil the ending! Not like anyone expected something more than pure wish fulfillment, but at least don't be blatant about it. quote:“So it was a combination of things at the end, but what it really boiled down to was… Bella,” Edward was explaining. Our family and our two remaining guests sat in the Cullens’ great room while the forest turned black outside the tall windows. No it loving didn't! Go back and see what Bella did, ever since finding out that the Volturi were coming. The only vaguely proactive things she really did were the J. Jenks bullshit (which didn't even matter in the end) and learning the basics of how to use her shield on other people. She spent most of her time otherwise just sitting around weeping and holding her daughter; even when told she and Edward had "the hardest job of all" convincing the other vampires to ally with them, we clearly saw that Edward did all the talking while she just stood there. During the entire climax, she barely spoke and did little except block three people's powers to buy them time for Alice to show up. Except for that one thing (which I can't even guarantee would have changed the results of anything that much), Bella could have disappeared from the plot entirely and everything would have transpired the same. It's a bizarre decision on Meyer's part considering the kind of story she's writing. Mary Sue stories are obviously notorious for their protagonist (especially if it's a self-insert of some kind) being the linchpin of everything, using their special powers or training to defeat the bad guys against overwhelming odds and be heaped with praise. By serving as a wish fulfillment fantasy, the audience can put themselves in that position as well. And she just denied it to the readers while still insisting that it totally happened, you guys just need to understand. quote:Vladimir and Stefan had vanished before we’d stopped celebrating. They were extremely disappointed in the way things had turned out, but Edward said that they’d enjoyed the Volturi’s cowardice almost enough to make up for their frustration. Not to worry though, as Aro touched Edward so he'll inevitably know why the Romanians were there and what their plans were! And the book was explicit that Demetri had gotten everyone's scent and can track everyone who was there, which is why Bella had to kill him! So, uh, good luck hiding guys! quote:Benjamin and Tia were quick to follow after Amun and Kebi, anxious to let them know the outcome of the conflict; I was sure we would see them again—Benjamin and Tia, at least. None of the nomads lingered. Peter and Charlotte had a short conversation with Jasper, and then they were gone, too. Mary and Randall were so unimportant they don't even get named as they leave! quote:The reunited Amazons had been anxious to return home as well—they had a difficult time being away from their beloved rain forest—though they were more reluctant to leave than some of the others. JUST TALK quote:“Of course, Zafrina,” I’d agreed. "Wild woman"? Come the gently caress on. It's the end of the book, just quit it. quote:The Irish coven continued the exodus. Why? The Cullens broke no laws, and they admitted as much to everyone. They had new knowledge of hybrids revealed to them. The only motivation that would make sense is that the only source of order in the vampire world is so super evil that they'll kill vampires for no reason except feeling bad. quote:“Alice will warn us when they intend to strike,” Siobhan said in a sure voice. “And we’ll gather again. Perhaps the time will come when our world is ready to be free of the Volturi altogether.” Why the gently caress do you want the Volturi gone so bad? Even Edward admitted that they're the only thing keeping immortal children, vampire wars, the Romanians, etc. from overrunning the Earth. The only thing you'll be "free" from are the rules that keep the planet safe. What's going to happen when the only force keeping a vampire from killing a dozen humans a week is gone? When they can create as many new vampires as they want, whenever and wherever they want, no matter their age? The Volturi being eliminated isn't an evil empire being defeated. It's an apocalyptic scenario. quote:“That time may come,” Carlisle replied. “If it does, we’ll stand together.” Well, except all the people who showed up begrudgingly and left as soon as they had an opportunity. quote:“Yes, my friend, we will,” Siobhan agreed. “And how can we fail, when I will it otherwise?” She let out a great peal of laughter. Oh yeah, Alistair was a person who existed. quote:Siobhan laughed again. Maggie hugged both Nessie and me, and then the Irish coven was gone. Were you guys seriously throwing a loving party around them and not caring? quote:Huilen and Nahuel were the ones who stayed, though I had expected those last two to go back with the Amazons. Carlisle was deep in fascinated conversation with Huilen; Nahuel sat close beside her, listening while Edward told the rest of us the story of the conflict as only he knew it. He was clearly about to start the battle before Alice showed up! quote:“Terrified?” I said skeptically. “Of me?” Oh shut up. You were bragging during the fight, grinning about how Jane was screaming and stomping her feet at you blocking her. Now you're doing the "Oh, little ol' me? Who could ever think I was important?" routine. quote:He smiled at me with a look I didn’t entirely recognize—it was tender, but also awed and even exasperated. “When will you ever see yourself clearly?” he said softly. Then he spoke louder, to the others as well as to me. “The Volturi haven’t fought a fair fight in about twenty-five hundred years. And they’ve never, never fought one where they were at a disadvantage. Especially since they gained Jane and Alec, they’ve only been involved with unopposed slaughterings. So we start off this bullshit with Edward (speaking for Meyer) trying to insist that Bella is still meek and mild. After a whole third of a book where she was marveling at how awesome and beautiful she had become, showing off her powers, dressing in designer clothes and driving a Ferrari everywhere, and having everyone tell her over and over that she's the greatest vampire in history, we're supposed to still think that she's the insecure little 17-year-old girl everyone first met and still needs to be reminded that she's strong. Either the Volturi were powerless or everyone would die, and which one Meyer believes changes from sentence to sentence. Edward just outlined all the different ways that the Volturi were totally screwed, and then shrugged and went "I'm sure we would have almost all died anyway." If he's right, it makes all the statements of unity meaningless because the Volturi will inevitably be able to kill them all if they really do show up to pick them off one by one. If he's wrong, all the hand-wringing about how everyone would die was pointless. And in the end, Alice was the hero of the story. She overcame her future vision's limitations through the power of bad writing and plot holes to craft a foolproof plan, implemented it flawlessly, and showed up in the nick of time to save the day. quote:“Hard to feel confident when you’re surrounded by horse-sized wolves,” Emmett laughed, poking Jacob’s arm. Are you telling me Caius was acting like such an idiot because he had anxiety? quote:“So there are real werewolves?” I asked. “With the full moon and silver bullets and all that?” Why the hell does that myth need to exist? quote:“And you never mentioned this because…?” GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO gently caress YOURSELF This came up a ton of times! Every time the Quileute got called "werewolves", Edward knew all along they weren't! In Eclipse when Edward casually mentions there's more than one type of werewolf, it just gets dropped and never picked back up! quote:I rolled my eyes, and Alice laughed, leaning forward—she was tucked under Edward’s other arm—to wink at me. You convinced yourself that you were all going to die. quote:“It might have gone that way,” she said calmly. “In which case you needed to be prepared to save Nessie.” "A possibility I could have foreseen, now being capable of seeing hybrids." quote:Instinctively, I held Nessie—asleep now on my lap—tighter in my arms. Crushing her spine and killing her instantly. quote:“But you knew there were other ways, too,” I accused. “You knew there was hope. Did it ever occur to you that you could have told me everything? I know Edward had to think we were at a dead end for Aro’s sake, but you could have told me.” How are we in the last chapter of the goddamn series and you are still pulling the "Bella's a bad liar!" poo poo? quote:“This was about my acting skills?” There's Meyer suddenly realizing that Alice's entire plan was a plot hole because she isn't supposed to be able to see Nahuel or any of the wolves. But how does that make any kind of sense? In New Moon Alice said that when Jacob entered Bella's future, her vision of her simply vanished like she no longer had powers at all. To Alice, Nahuel wouldn't be like "looking for a blind spot", because she wasn't even sure he existed. He would just look like she was looking for something that didn't exist. quote:“Okay, okay!” I interrupted. “Sorry! I know it was rough for you, too. It’s just that… well, I missed you like crazy, Alice. Don’t do that to me again.” Again, Alice did everything. Bella did nothing. quote:Everyone else laughed now, and I ducked my face into Nessie’s hair, embarrassed. Remember the end of Book II, when Bella had just died and Jacob was all "She's just a corpse in the attic, all I care about is murdering the thing that killed her" and then after the imprinting he's suddenly back to the goofy Jacob with no anger management problems from the first half of New Moon? All of his drama and new characterization was wiped clean on the spot? When Meyer wrote Forever Dawn, there was none of the drama of New Moon and Eclipse. Jacob remained the happy-go-lucky native kid with a crush for the entire book, with no love triangle ever in existence. The wolves were mostly undeveloped, without even names for most of them. Jacob still imprinted on Renesmee, though! And because there was no Jacob development at this point, Book II (the pregnancy) was all from Bella's POV. That was the only part of the draft that I believe was substantially rewritten to make Breaking Dawn. Jacob is back to his old self because it's convenient. Meyer had no time or patience for changing her old story to show how Jacob logically should have been after imprinting on Renesmee, so she hastily wrote in "Oh yeah, we resolved all of the problems with the tribe while you were turning into a vampire and it's all cool now" as a patch job to excuse why all of the wolves had suddenly exited the story except as background extras and Jacob was acting like the last two books never happened. quote:The hardest stare to ignore was also the most confusing one. Renesmee is four months old. quote:I didn’t think this idea had occurred to Jacob yet. I kind of hoped it wouldn’t soon. I’d had enough fighting to last me for a while. You know what? Let's quit that line of thinking while we're ahead and never revisit it ever. quote:Eventually, the others ran out of questions for Edward, and the discussion dissolved into a bunch of smaller conversations. The perfect little cottage that she loves so much, which we have seen exactly 3 times and never seen her express any kind of interest in after first describing all the awful decor. quote:I looked at Edward and felt for a moment like I could read his mind. I could see he felt exactly the same way. Ready for some peace. They really are having the quietest vampire sex ever. quote:Jacob rolled his eyes and then yawned. “It’s been a while since I slept in a bed. I bet my dad would get a kick out of having me under his roof again.” If you think back to the timeline, Jacob hasn't slept in a bed for four months. quote:I touched his cheek. “Thank you, Jacob.” Always have been! quote:“I fervently hope so,” Edward said. This girl can sleep through a loving war and has no personality to harm. She's fine. quote:The idea of peace and security reminded me of someone who didn’t have those feelings all the time. Yes, remember Jasper? One of the Cullens who got totally replaced by the new cast? quote:Jasper was sandwiched tight in between Alice and Esme, somehow seeming more central to the family picture than usual. “Yes, Bella?” So there's actually an epilogue in Forever Dawn that was cut out of the final version. Bella returns to Seattle to save Max when he gets in a spot of trouble, showing off her powers almost as a superhero. This was eliminated, leaving Max a pointless racist remnant. quote:We were kissed and hugged and wished a good night to our family. The only off note was Nahuel again, who looked intently after us, as if he wished he could follow.  quote:Once we were across the river, we walked barely faster than human speed, in no hurry, holding hands. I was sick of being under a deadline, and I just wanted to take my time. Edward must have felt the same. If you're impressed that Jacob wasn't eagerly salivating at the possibility that he can gently caress his child bride sooner rather than later, what does that say about Jacob....or about yourself? quote:“I know. Like I said, impressive. It goes against the grain to say so, but she could do worse.” What do you mean it goes against the loving grain? She's a child! quote:I frowned. “I’m not going to think about that for approximately six and a half more years.” How about never? quote:Edward laughed and then sighed. “Of course, it looks like he’ll have some competition to worry about when the time comes.” It's starting to get hard to not think of the author as severely disturbed at this point. quote:My frown deepened. “I noticed. I’m grateful to Nahuel for today, but all the staring was a little weird. I don’t care if she is the only half-vampire he’s not related to.” "Yes, this was a creepy age gap when we thought about it!" quote:He ignored me. “He’s always thought of himself as an evil creation, a murderer by nature. His sisters all killed their mothers as well, but they thought nothing of it. Joham raised them to think of the humans as animals, while they were gods. But Nahuel was taught by Huilen, and Huilen loved her sister more than anyone else. It shaped his whole perspective. And, in some ways, he truly hated himself.” Completely in the background and unimportant in the long run to his kid's life? quote:“You are fairly ideal in every way,” I agreed. Shut up. quote:He snorted and then was serious again. “He looks at you and sees the life his mother should have had.” He's spent 150 years in guilt, thinking of himself as a monster, because his birth was fatal to his mother. And somehow all it took for him to forgive himself was seeing a mom who got turned into a vampire instead of dying? quote:I smiled for Nahuel’s happiness and then thought that today belonged to happiness. Though Irina’s sacrifice was a dark shadow against the white light, keeping the moment from perfection, the joy was impossible to deny. The life I’d fought for was safe again. My family was reunited. My daughter had a beautiful future stretching out endlessly in front of her. Tomorrow I would go see my father; he would see that the fear in my eyes had been replaced with joy, and he would be happy, too. Suddenly, I was sure that I wouldn’t find him there alone. I hadn’t been as observant as I might have been in the last few weeks, but in this moment it was like I’d known all along. Sue would be with Charlie—the werewolves’ mom with the vampire’s dad—and he wouldn’t be alone anymore. I smiled widely at this new insight. What is the most effective way to stomp on your characters? To make it undeniably clear that you don't care about them? Check out that second sentence. An innocent was just murdered right in front of you as part of a plot to excuse killing you, all because she made a dumb mistake and thought she was doing the right thing. Her two sisters, who you barely stopped from suicide charging the Volturi, left in sadness because your constant celebration was too much to bear. With how vampire emotions work, they could be grieving forever. And what does that warrant? A brief mention that her death is making your happiness slightly less than perfect. Within half a second she's forgotten. Because as long as you're happy, that's all that matters, right? This is sociopathic in its callousness. quote:Not that I’d want to repeat the last several weeks, but I had to admit they’d made me appreciate what I had more than ever. Indeed. You had to sacrifice nothing, some people had to sacrifice everything. But now you get to move on! quote:The cottage was a place of perfect peace in the silver-blue night. We carried Nessie to her bed and gently tucked her in. She smiled as she slept. You know what hasn't been mentioned or returned to? The meadow where Bella first saw Edward sparkle. The one they always returned to, used constantly as a metaphor for their relationship. You'd expect Meyer to bring things full circle and have them return there, but no. We get the cottage with the world's worst interior decorator, which has existed for a tiny fraction of the story. quote:I took Aro’s gift from around my neck and tossed it lightly into the corner of her room. She could play with it if she wished; she liked sparkly things. That is a priceless artifact, possibly a king's jewels from centuries ago, that you just threw to a child to destroy. quote:Edward and I walked slowly to our room, swinging our arms between us. The instinct that's only suppressed when you're sufficiently angry or depressed and started being lost when you were happy? quote:It still wasn’t anywhere near as easy as shielding other people along with myself. I felt the elastic recoil again as my shield fought to protect me. I had to strain to push it entirely away from me; it took all of my focus. You want to know how this is Forever Dawn? Look at the memories. There's nothing at all from New Moon or Eclipse. Nothing about Volterra, the fight with Victoria, nothing. It jumps straight from James to the wedding. And our title drop isn't even a proper one. Because it's the title for the old draft. quote:His lips, suddenly fierce against mine, broke my concentration. It...it took you that to figure it out? quote:“You’re almost right.” He smiled, his eyes still a little wider than usual. “I know of just one exception.” He won't be. quote:I pursed my lips, my eyes narrowing. Then I smiled. This is the end of not just Breaking Dawn, but the chronological ending of the Twilight series itself. One of the worst books that I have ever read; a schizophrenic mess that never should have seen the light of day. Something that manages, through incomprehensible and random plotting, to annihilate every shred of decency the story could have had. It firmly establishes Bella Swan as not merely the worst Mary Sue, but the most useless. But as you all know, this isn't the end of Twilight. Midnight Sun has been released to mixed reviews, with old fans wildly vacillating between rekindling their childhood love for the cheesy vampire romance and being flabbergasted by the new content. Tomorrow, you all start seeing for yourself just what wild poo poo Edward Cullen was getting up to during Twilight. And you won't believe your eyes.
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Aug 24, 2020 17:55
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Thank for doing this. I'm almost in an awe of Meyer's ability to just throw out plot points at random, never to elaborate. Christ, there are infectious werewolves being hunted by vampires and a vampire rear end in a top hat breeding an army of hybrids out there in the world, but it doesn't impact the Cullens so it doesn't matter.
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Aug 24, 2020 18:59
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chitoryu12 posted:Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After
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Aug 24, 2020 19:14
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