(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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AceOfFlames posted:I'm having a panic attack please help me Knot My President! posted:Close your eyes and trace/draw random numbers with your eyes in various locations of your mind. Imagine each random number in a random color and/or texture. Don't move onto the next number until you can fully visualize the number you're thinking of. ie trace a red 7 in the bottom left of your peripheral, then a green grass 28 in the center of your vision, then a metallic blue 14 in the bottom center of your vision, etc. Seriously, this works. Please try it.
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Nov 4, 2020 17:32
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| # ? May 25, 2024 16:09 |
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Hope is as vestigial as it is counterproductive. Four years ago, disillusionment came from Americans (and probably humans in general) being kept on a strong enough diet of propaganda that you can slip in an obvious demagogue and watch them flock to it in superior numbers. Today, disillusionment comes from the reminder (not discovery) that Americans want demagogues so much that they will plant the seeds for the next one rather than do anything that could benefit actual human beings and not just whatever species the rich technically qualify as. I am not strong or proud or good enough to fight for what I believe in, even if I didn't know unequivocally that my enemies have the power of God to watch me, smite me, and corrupt the image of me. Nor am I able to trick myself into thinking that somewhere out there exist the means of human beings to create justice of any sort. Theoretically, hermitage exists as an alternative, but I've already failed once to flee the country, and I would truly not know where to go to find peace even if I knew I could succeed in my second attempt. Evil is so potent in this world that I no longer even feel safe inside my own thoughts, both because the torrent of social control floods even the most insulated of minds, and because I wouldn't put it past us to have come up with a psychic machine that we've got buried someplace to bring the conceits of 1984 fully to life. One relative has spent the past four months in a Biden hat as if it means something good, another showed me some election/Harry Potter meme that they honestly thought I would appreciate, and yet another insisted that voting for anyone other than him might as well be a vote for Trump. My friends are all attempting to turn their focuses to community outreach, and all I can see is them signing themselves up for Texan concentration camps because goodness will become as illegal as it was when the Panthers tried it. Maybe I am selfish because I'm trying to escape my responsibility to make a better future, but the alternatives are literal suicide, figurative suicide from bringing the fate of death on myself through others, or the slow death of my soul as I lie to myself and others about this being an acceptable world. The first two of those alternatives will crush my loved ones, and the last will crush me. Maybe I'm childish thinking that loving off to some obscure corner of the world will make me feel any better, as if there were a single location that isn't or won't eventually be subject to the exploitation of man by man. Maybe I'm naive for thinking that things used to be any different in some kind of mythical past; it's not like there weren't atrocities committed in the Enlightenment era, so why should I be lamenting that the demarcation between Enlightenment and whatever they eventually call what comes next (I personally lean towards Exploitation but I'm sure that whichever fascists run the world in the future will have some rosier name for it) happened decades before I was born? There might have been a brief window where technology and material circumstances allowed for, theoretically, the liberation of the oppressed from the oppressor. If there ever was, that window is closed, and I've played enough games of Civilization to the end to know that no one ever loses a runaway lead. All I know is I'm scum for making this all about me, and I deserve whatever misery I derive from the state of things as much as the rest of the world doesn't deserve what they get coming to them. Here's hoping Part 2 of Operation Don't Stay in a Country that Wants Really Badly to be China has corrected for all the errors of Part 1, and that the big glaring error (me) isn't sufficient to sink it.
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Nov 6, 2020 22:51
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AceOfFlames posted:I'm having a panic attack please help me Hold an ice cube in one hand until it hurts too much to continue. Switch hands. Repeat.
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Nov 6, 2020 23:11
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Alvarez IV posted:Hope is as vestigial as it is counterproductive. Four years ago, disillusionment came from Americans (and probably humans in general) being kept on a strong enough diet of propaganda that you can slip in an obvious demagogue and watch them flock to it in superior numbers. Today, disillusionment comes from the reminder (not discovery) that Americans want demagogues so much that they will plant the seeds for the next one rather than do anything that could benefit actual human beings and not just whatever species the rich technically qualify as. I am not strong or proud or good enough to fight for what I believe in, even if I didn't know unequivocally that my enemies have the power of God to watch me, smite me, and corrupt the image of me. Nor am I able to trick myself into thinking that somewhere out there exist the means of human beings to create justice of any sort. Theoretically, hermitage exists as an alternative, but I've already failed once to flee the country, and I would truly not know where to go to find peace even if I knew I could succeed in my second attempt. Evil is so potent in this world that I no longer even feel safe inside my own thoughts, both because the torrent of social control floods even the most insulated of minds, and because I wouldn't put it past us to have come up with a psychic machine that we've got buried someplace to bring the conceits of 1984 fully to life. One relative has spent the past four months in a Biden hat as if it means something good, another showed me some election/Harry Potter meme that they honestly thought I would appreciate, and yet another insisted that voting for anyone other than him might as well be a vote for Trump. My friends are all attempting to turn their focuses to community outreach, and all I can see is them signing themselves up for Texan concentration camps because goodness will become as illegal as it was when the Panthers tried it. Maybe I am selfish because I'm trying to escape my responsibility to make a better future, but the alternatives are literal suicide, figurative suicide from bringing the fate of death on myself through others, or the slow death of my soul as I lie to myself and others about this being an acceptable world. The first two of those alternatives will crush my loved ones, and the last will crush me. Maybe I'm childish thinking that loving off to some obscure corner of the world will make me feel any better, as if there were a single location that isn't or won't eventually be subject to the exploitation of man by man. Maybe I'm naive for thinking that things used to be any different in some kind of mythical past; it's not like there weren't atrocities committed in the Enlightenment era, so why should I be lamenting that the demarcation between Enlightenment and whatever they eventually call what comes next (I personally lean towards Exploitation but I'm sure that whichever fascists run the world in the future will have some rosier name for it) happened decades before I was born? There might have been a brief window where technology and material circumstances allowed for, theoretically, the liberation of the oppressed from the oppressor. If there ever was, that window is closed, and I've played enough games of Civilization to the end to know that no one ever loses a runaway lead. All I know is I'm scum for making this all about me, and I deserve whatever misery I derive from the state of things as much as the rest of the world doesn't deserve what they get coming to them. Here's hoping Part 2 of Operation Don't Stay in a Country that Wants Really Badly to be China has corrected for all the errors of Part 1, and that the big glaring error (me) isn't sufficient to sink it. You're being way too hard on yourself IMO. At a certain level, it is about you. It's your life, your happiness, your choices. It's good to acknowledge there are people distinct from you that are in really bad shape, but that doesn't mean you should suffer. At any rate, we're no use to anyone who needs our help buried in the muck of misery. I am genuinely asking this and not being condescending or flippant: do you have a support group? You need a place to talk about this stuff and get an outside opinion to provide a fresh perspective, or you'll keep going around in the same circles without seeing a way out. I know it'd feel like you're burdening others—believe me, I've been there—but it's actually about the group sharing all their burdens and thus making everyone's job easier. Think of it as lifting a heavy thing: one person may not be as strong as the others, but it's still easier on everyone if they join in.
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Nov 6, 2020 23:17
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Chokes McGee posted:You're being way too hard on yourself IMO. At a certain level, it is about you. It's your life, your happiness, your choices. It's good to acknowledge there are people distinct from you that are in really bad shape, but that doesn't mean you should suffer. At any rate, we're no use to anyone who needs our help buried in the muck of misery. I have people I can vent to. I've historically been terrible at gauging how much I'm giving vs taking in a relationship, and calibrating an appropriate amount is difficult without overcorrecting, but I have got people I can talk this poo poo to, for as little as it helps. I don't know what broke in my brain that makes me want solutions to my problems so much that empathy feels insulting, but I get a lot of good advice that I have no idea how to implement. "Hope for the best and prepare for the worst," that type of thing. I've had no hope in the past; now I have negative hope and dropping, and "prepare for the worst" makes it sound like I should think I have a chance against what the worst is. I know what that poo poo's going to be like and my best hope for not having an ulcer and grey hair by my 30s is to drop the hell off the face of the earth so I don't have to participate in society, in some ultimate display of privilege. Fortunately/unfortunately for me, it's one of those situations where the qualities I value aren't the qualities I have, and every time I get close to achieving what I think/say I want, I realize that, actually, I'm just a miserable bastard who doesn't want to exist and settles for the closest he can get. Someday a doctor is going to cut open my brain, point to some speck of it, and say "Textbook schizoid personality disorder," because if I haven't got it naturally, I've had it injected in by someone else.
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Nov 6, 2020 23:52
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Knot My President! posted:Seriously, this works. Please try it. This really works! Thanks!
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Nov 7, 2020 00:20
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Chokes McGee posted:Hold an ice cube in one hand until it hurts too much to continue. Switch hands. Repeat. Knot My President! posted:Seriously, this works. Please try it. I've been doing really well (comparitively) but ill save these tips for when I need em. I've been working out an awful lot of stuff with my spouse who is an ER nurse and is stressed out to the max and in grad school while picking up overtime shifts. I love her to death but she carries the world on her shoulders and is tired of being strong for everyone. That in itself is stressing me out because her unhappiness also includes me because I didn't pick up on it. Now that I'm finally in an OK place myself, I'm happy to carry a lot more weight on my shoulders now
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Nov 7, 2020 01:23
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Well I have learned a valuable lesson about not going off your meds. I stopped my Zoloft at the end of July I ran out and just didn't refilled my prescription. Thing have been fine up until a month ago my when my anxiety just started building and building to the point where spent a whole day doing nothing just sitting on my couch watching you tube. And the the type of gut tightening anxiety I am feeling did not happen when I was on Zoloft. I did the smart thing and called my GP and got my prescription filled but I have feeling its going to be a long loving week.
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Nov 9, 2020 01:20
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side_burned posted:Well I have learned a valuable lesson about not going off your meds. I stopped my Zoloft at the end of July I ran out and just didn't refilled my prescription. Thing have been fine up until a month ago my when my anxiety just started building and building to the point where spent a whole day doing nothing just sitting on my couch watching you tube. And the the type of gut tightening anxiety I am feeling did not happen when I was on Zoloft. I did the smart thing and called my GP and got my prescription filled but I have feeling its going to be a long loving week. Just wanted to say that spending a whole day watching youtube and relaxing, decompressing, vegging out, whatever, is not bad it's good actually. Capitalist indoctrination tells us we need to always be moving and producing and going forward to the next thing -- never take a breather and never love yourself. Now it might be "bad" in the scenario you talked about because it sounds like it happened out of your control and that's probably frustrating. The key there is to make those days happen on your own timetable. I have designated hours of the day where I will be anxious. I have designated days where I will sit on the couch and eat sweets and watch netflix all day. Imagine you run Monday through Saturday and Sunday is where you rest your muscles. The brain and our psyche need to rest too.
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Nov 9, 2020 18:20
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thehandtruck posted:Just wanted to say that spending a whole day watching youtube and relaxing, decompressing, vegging out, whatever, is not bad it's good actually. Capitalist indoctrination tells us we need to always be moving and producing and going forward to the next thing -- never take a breather and never love yourself. I try to have one unstructured day a week. Saturday was bad because I was not enjoying the down time I was just anxiety ridden and stressed and doing nothing.
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Nov 9, 2020 18:45
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Months into chemical and mental therapy. Nothing helps. Everyone I've ever had serious feelings for doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm estranged from my weird, crap family. Isolated and alone. Forgotten and disposed. mod edit: removed some personal information (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST) Somebody has issued a correction as of 22:00 on Nov 9, 2020 |
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Nov 9, 2020 21:12
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afaik pills are a pretty poo poo way to kill yourself so don't do that
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Nov 9, 2020 21:18
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No. 6 posted:Months into chemical and mental therapy. Nothing helps. I have been in a similar situation for many years and I have stayed on this planet for one reason: despite my despair as long as I am alive there is a chance, no matter how unlikely that things might get better. If I am dead there is no chance. None. I recognize that this is not an inspirational message, but it's what has allowed me to endure decades of isolation and depression. I understand if it doesn't work for you, but I hope you can find something that does work. Somebody has issued a correction as of 22:11 on Nov 9, 2020 |
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Nov 9, 2020 21:42
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Dick Trauma posted:I have been in a similar situation for many years and I have stayed on this planet for one reason: despite my despair as long as I am alive there is a chance, no matter how unlikely that things might get better. If I am dead there is no chance. None. That helps me keep going too.
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Nov 10, 2020 01:04
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I just wanna know how it gets worse. Spite and curiosity are a powerful combo.
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Nov 10, 2020 02:45
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endlessmonotony posted:I just wanna know how it gets worse. spite buddies  i view existence as essentially malevolent and by continuing to exist i spit in god's face. 
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Nov 10, 2020 02:55
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uber_stoat posted:spite buddies I believe in the Blind Idiot God. Because anyone doing this poo poo on purpose is no better.
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Nov 10, 2020 03:15
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I've just discovered I'm too poor to get my premiums paid on the health care marketplace i.e. I don't earn enough to get the tax credit I also do not qualify for medicaid somehow. That's it that's the post. This country sucks an rear end.
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Nov 10, 2020 05:20
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i had a panic attack and may have been psychotic late last night. my bff was kind enough to call and talk me through it, and i took a strong sleeping med. talking to a therapist tomorrow, but i can't help but see this as a major backslide on my overall mental health
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Nov 11, 2020 08:27
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Welp. Regular doc -> Neurosurgeon -> Regular doc -> Neurosurgeon -> Neurology -> Physical therapy -> Neurology -> Neurosurgeon -> Neurology Every place is "not our problem, forwarding", with several week wait times and impossible phone directories which require you to call before 10am but after 1pm on a weekday. (Because it's literally impossible for the staff to answer every call, nevermind spend any time double-checking if what they're doing makes any sense.) Sure can charge me for every redirect though, that part's working! Fuuuck Finland anyone who thinks this place is great doesn't know anything about it. It's a country where the disabled have the right to die in a ditch. So about on par with all of the west. EDIT: Oh right I'm for all purposes banned from therapy because there's a wait list where priority is determined by likelihood of recovery and the wait list for people with my kind of conditions is currently longer than the expected lifespan of the globe. So that's fun too. endlessmonotony has issued a correction as of 13:45 on Nov 11, 2020 |
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Nov 11, 2020 13:42
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endlessmonotony posted:EDIT: Oh right I'm for all purposes banned from therapy because there's a wait list where priority is determined by likelihood of recovery and the wait list for people with my kind of conditions is currently longer than the expected lifespan of the globe. So that's fun too. Jesus, that seems wildly unethical. Is there no concept of palliative care in psychology?
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Nov 11, 2020 14:55
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Tuxedo Catfish posted:Jesus, that seems wildly unethical. Is there no concept of palliative care in psychology? Finnish law is weird about psychotherapy and doesn't really guarantee it at all, so the system is patchwork and I'm firmly in the "don't even bother, you'll never get in" category.
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Nov 11, 2020 14:59
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My #1 source of preventable problems with my mental health is dealing with the system that's designed around making it easy to go "not my problem" rather than doing anything. If someone says that wasn't the design principle, I'm skeptical. If that genuinely wasn't the purpose, wow what a buncha fuckups.
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Nov 11, 2020 15:01
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There's explicit design goals, and then there's how the system practically works, and I'm describing what the system does, not what the dipshits building it said it does.
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Nov 11, 2020 15:05
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endlessmonotony posted:Welp. can you at least try one of those online/text therapy services or is it cost prohibitive
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Nov 11, 2020 17:48
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indigi posted:can you at least try one of those online/text therapy services or is it cost prohibitive I can not. Not allowed here. Also y'know hoooly poo poo we had a startup for that and it's currently melting down in a super impressive fashion. They had sensitive patient information on a publicly exposed server with a root:root credentials config.
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Nov 11, 2020 17:55
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endlessmonotony posted:I can not. Not allowed here. wtf how can it not be allowed. can you get a VPN
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Nov 11, 2020 18:04
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indigi posted:wtf how can it not be allowed. can you get a VPN You can't solve this problem because I won't accept any solution that you can provide. How can it not be allowed? You require a license to do that kind of work with people from Finland, and no such service has such a license right now.
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Nov 11, 2020 18:16
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Spent half the day screaming, crying, flailing around on the floor like a lunatic. Happy times.
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Nov 11, 2020 22:44
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endlessmonotony posted:EDIT: Oh right I'm for all purposes banned from therapy because there's a wait list where priority is determined by likelihood of recovery and the wait list for people with my kind of conditions is currently longer than the expected lifespan of the globe. So that's fun too. Wow that sucks. What's the condition they declared you won't recover from?
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Nov 12, 2020 18:56
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health insurance for the wife and i just went up seven hundred bucks a year but im fine it's fine i can handle it
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Nov 12, 2020 20:54
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No. 6 posted:Spent half the day screaming, crying, flailing around on the floor like a lunatic. How are you now? I get bad days like that and they're usually the tipping point to a slight improvement once you get it out like that.
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Nov 13, 2020 00:27
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My voice is hosed from screaming. Can hardly talk. This morning was better since I was in a bit of a drowsy daze. I'm covered in bruises on my head from slamming it into the table. My sternum is bruised from me punching myself. I am really losing my mind. But today is just low-grade depression.
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Nov 13, 2020 00:36
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thehandtruck posted:Wow that sucks. What's the condition they declared you won't recover from? I mean, it took me ten years of work and a mountain of paperwork to get a whole admittance of "there's little to no recovery from having your spinal cord hosed up". Formally, I'm allowed to search for a therapist to take me on as a patient. There are none, all available ones are working with rehab organizations and there's no way to do rehab to fix my problems because they're just too severe. Too severe as put on paper by me and half a dozen doctors aware of the situation. There's a whole well-publicized debate in the Finnish public sphere but even if the laws are fixed, fixing the situation will take at least five years so eh, I'm not too bothered.
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Nov 13, 2020 01:04
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No. 6 posted:My voice is hosed from screaming. Can hardly talk. This morning was better since I was in a bit of a drowsy daze. That was me as recently as maybe two years ago. Smash myself up, smash my property, just taking it out on myself and anything. Neighbours asking if I knew who was screaming. Like, everything you say sounds familiar down to the posts about "nothing helps". I know it probably doesn't help much now and I'm poo poo at supportive talk, but despite sexual harassment from therapists, jumping around between services like crazy, and never actually getting good help with medication - I don't do that violent poo poo anymore. At all. Maybe a bit of yelling when things get really bad a couple times a year, but it's still miles different just through time and trying to vent it in healthy ways like this, here. I believe you'll see improvement because I've gone through exactly that. You're probably getting a little better at handling it each time, even if you don't see it now. And if you can find that good support? All the better. Good support would have been valuable then, it's still valuable now. Even with that, this year's been the hardest in a long, long loving time and even people who don't usually struggle are. That'll get better eventually too. Chunderbucket has issued a correction as of 01:47 on Nov 13, 2020 |
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Nov 13, 2020 01:37
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Brain's working better today. Feeling almost normal. Maybe I'm starting to get a handle on myself.
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Nov 13, 2020 22:35
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Had a mixed week. Heard back about my disability court case and that the judge agreed that my symptoms do indeed impact my ability to work. Now to just wait for the SSA to process that report and tell me how much back pay they are going to give me. On one hand I am glad to see there is light at the end of the tunnel and will be able to provide some income to the family, but on the other it sucks to have that disabled label hanging over my head.
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Nov 14, 2020 01:08
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Zil posted:Had a mixed week. Heard back about my disability court case and that the judge agreed that my symptoms do indeed impact my ability to work. Now to just wait for the SSA to process that report and tell me how much back pay they are going to give me. Literally no one cares about the label dude, get them stacks and don't feel ashamed about it.
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Nov 14, 2020 01:43
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I worked in the healthcare industry in a nice cushy office job. When Covid started to gain traction in February they started to prepare and we were sent to work from home a few good weeks before the rest of the world. This is when it started. Could have used this thread years ago but also wouldn't have given it a first look. My soon to be ex-wife also works in healthcare, but the difference being she actually helps people. She has been on the front lines of the epidemic and as such she became extremely busy during all this. Each day as she left for work, I was left isolated at home, and my anxiety would go up. At this time, I didn't understand what anxiety was and what it does to your body. Each day as she left the house, I got worse and worse. Around June, my mother in law fell and broke her leg, and a few weeks later my wife's brother had back surgery. This led to more isolation as she tended to them. I began to have mini panic attacks and not understanding them, it really took a toll on my psyche. To add some background, in my best friend's words, I've been emotionally void my entire life. My wife and I had been married 9 years. During this time there have been many struggles. She is a wonderful person, has her own issues, but at her core a good person. I've never felt I had a connection to her. The last 2 years we have been on a slow and steady decline. July was the worst month. I hit peak craziness which caused all sorts of problems given our past. Queue full blown nuclear meltdown anxiety attack. 4 hours of short shallow breaths, numbing in my arms and legs, self harm, and serious suicidal thoughts. My wife took me to a psych unit and I told the doctor it felt like 37 years of emotions spewing out of me. Random early childhood memories were bouncing around my brain, the real lovely ones. I was able to calm down and met with a therapist for the first time a few days later. I told her a portion of my story at which point she told me child services should have been called on my parents, the first I've ever heard this, I didn't believe it. The anxiety attacks didn't stop, nor did the suicidal thoughts. Inpatient was recommended. There the focus was on childhood trauma and I was in deep denial. Working through my past, in the first 2 weeks I slowly began to understand abuse. While there I recalled an early childhood memory (3 or 4 years old maybe) of my mom taking me to a strange house and leaving me alone. My therapist's eyes widened and she said she had just received a questionnaire back from my sister that said she remembers being in a strange truck with my mom and a strange man. I immediately called my little sister. This was the first time we opened up about our past. My sister revealed she had a frighteningly similar experience last year, mental breakdown, suicide attempt, and had to quit her job in the radio industry. This couldn't be a coincidence. My sister called my mom, put pressure on her and got her to open up. Over the next few weeks it was revealed that, starting around the age of 3, my mom began an on and off 15 year affair with a man in our church. My father found out about it when I was around 6. For whatever reason, my parents tried to make it work, and they also decided that that information was too much for kids to handle, so they kept it a secret. Fighting was constant, no emotional affection was present, and it was all hidden behind a veil of make believe. Not wanting to be around it, my dad avoided the situation and worked 12+ hours a day. My mom was detached and not present. They separated their finances just in case a divorce happened, and neither wanted to spend money on the family. Food became scarce and we missed countless meals. Starting when I was 7, my older brother began to beat me regularly. He was 8 years older than me. He was also an all state linebacker and MLB prospect, my dad's dream come true. He would hit me on my thighs and upper arms where the bruises would be hidden. At school I would show them off to look tough, never wondering why other kids my age didn't have them. After one beating around 9 I had my first suicidal thoughts. This is when I shut my emotions down. There's a lot more.... Each day as my wife would leave, my body was remembering this trauma, the neglect and abandonment and making my brain believe I was in danger. Going home after treatment was a bad idea. My wife was still triggered emotionally from everything, and two weeks later I moved out, house was sold, and she filed for divorce. Now that I'm at rock loving bottom can I finally see that im better off. For the last month I've been volunteering at a horse rescue that rehabs abused horses and trains them to provide therapy to children with disabilities. Today I signed up to take a 12 week culinary arts program. Far from the skill set learned in my graduate program, but my brain is fried and I need a break. I realize I'm fortunate enough to take a break from the world and I feel for those that don't have the means.
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Nov 14, 2020 03:52
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im so tired of being miserable and alone. why me? every time it gets harder to try again. what's the point, I'm a broken person and always will be.
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Nov 15, 2020 08:21
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