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This one is more embarrassing than dumb. I was looking out one of my windows and just happened to be next to a cat tree. I heard a meow and looked down to see my newest cat Beany sitting there waiting to be pet. As I was bending down to pet him, he decided it would be better if he was at the top of the tree so he jumped up and started climbing. His head caught me right on the bridge of my nose and knocked me out cold. I was only out for a few seconds, and thankfully I didn’t fall on the cat. I did get two nice black eyes out of it, and I had to tell the people I worked with that my cat beat me up.
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Mar 28, 2021 22:24
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I had to delay my first day at a new day job (separate my my own company) because I didn’t hydrate adequately (drat you, prescription amphetamines) and managed to sleep on my hand. I awoke to a crunched up, deformed T-Rex thing going on and had horrendous pain in a few places on my hand and wrist all day. I love this new gig, but all of it requires very delicate, quick, highly dexterous hands to perform. poo poo’s good now.
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Mar 29, 2021 02:46
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Kite Pride Worldwide posted:My stepbrother's friend thought it would be a good idea to stick Dr. Ho's electrode massage pads to his balls and turn them to max. He managed to kick out a plate glass window during his screaming spastic fit and tore the hell out of his leg. Lot to unpack, here. I guess I'll start with this: Plate glass window? Was he shocking his balls in church? Was this a cut chapter from the Da Vinci Code
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Mar 29, 2021 03:10
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are you thinking of stained glass? It is weird that he'd be doing it so close to a window, though
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Mar 29, 2021 03:12
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Discernibly Turgid posted:I had to delay my first day at a new day job (separate my my own company) because I didn’t hydrate adequately (drat you, prescription amphetamines) and managed to sleep on my hand. I awoke to a crunched up, deformed T-Rex thing going on and had horrendous pain in a few places on my hand and wrist all day. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfKFV1J7O4s
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Mar 29, 2021 03:47
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One time I got bursitis AND arthritis out of nowhere after going for a walk for a couple of hours 
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Mar 29, 2021 04:25
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Ralph Hurley posted:In my early teens I got a horrific sunburn on my chest (I don’t even think they sell SPF 4 sunscreen anymore, it does nothing). I was looking around for something to put on it to relieve the burning and settled on Vicks VapoRub. Don’t ever do that We were on out honeymoon to Hawaii when I got a horrible sunburn on my neck and shoulders. The hand lotion in the hotel room didn't help, so I dug through my wife's toiletries looking for something better. Hey, this Icy Hot my wife uses has Aloe in it, along with a cooling sensation! Cue me crying and whimpering in a cold shower dry heaving from the pain while my wife goes out to buy milk to help stop the burning. That is when we found out that milk in Kona, HI is much more expensive than at home in Wisconsin. She stopped at three stores because she thought the prices were high to try to rip tourists off from the states.
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Mar 29, 2021 06:11
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Not my story but my roommate's: when he was 14 he was in the shower, trying to get a morning jerk in before school when he realized he could really use some lotion to help things along. He reached for the new bottle of lotion his mom had put there, not realizing before it was much too late that his mom had bought pumice lotion. And unfortunately he was too far along to just stop
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Mar 29, 2021 07:54
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Toupee Groupie posted:We were on out honeymoon to Hawaii when I got a horrible sunburn on my neck and shoulders. The hand lotion in the hotel room didn't help, so I dug through my wife's toiletries looking for something better. Hey, this Icy Hot my wife uses has Aloe in it, along with a cooling sensation! Cue me crying and whimpering in a cold shower dry heaving from the pain while my wife goes out to buy milk to help stop the burning. That is when we found out that milk in Kona, HI is much more expensive than at home in Wisconsin. She stopped at three stores because she thought the prices were high to try to rip tourists off from the states.  I’m trying to imagine how bad icy hot on a sunburn would hurt and I know I’m coming up short.
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Mar 29, 2021 09:46
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At the supermarket one day and reached into a freezer cabinet to get something, the door of the freezer closed on my arm (pretty gently) and I freed myself and didn't think too much about it. Woke up the next morning and my arm was bruised from where the door hit me above my elbow all the way down to mid-forearm, the deepest purple bruising I've ever had from something I'd barely even classify as an accident 
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Mar 29, 2021 09:53
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I tried to jump up a low brick wall (3-4 courses) while running at about 12. My foot either slipped off or didn't quite make it, and I gouged out a huge strip of flesh and bone from my shin that bled for days. I'm 34 now, and I still have a visibly and physically noticeable divot there. [EDIT] I was telling my housemate about this thread and they reminded me of a great addition. They were getting hosed so hard they dislocated a rib and had to go to emergency to get it set. crowtribe fucked around with this message at 10:21 on Mar 29, 2021 |
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Mar 29, 2021 10:17
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Happy Monday to me! How’ve I never seen that before? Added irony (Schadenfreude if you don’t like me) comes from the fact that that’s never happened to me before yet managed to occur less than a month into the trial period for our new mattress. Both of us have gotten by on, “that’ll do”-grade IKEA foam mattresses the last many years and it hadn’t previously occurred to us to get a nice one until a friend (and new mother of twins) chalked up her improved mental state to a new mattress purchase. The mattress, for what it’s worth, IS outstanding and has improved my quality of life considerably (but for that particular day.) The lovely part is that, while we feel like we got an honest-to-goodness superior, made-to-order-in-America product at a “reasonable“ price (air quotes because mattresses are at least as big of a racket as independent used car lots and interstate moving,) the alternative to dealing with the lovely, big-name mattress cartels is dealing with companies that are making a sincerely solid product but also see themselves as disruptor-types, so you have to deal with the kind of bullshit that comes with interacting with tech companies, where there’s always a catch and you have to figure it out and see if you can either live with it or beat it. In this case, only AFTER you have paid and there’s an estimated delivery window, you are informed that your 15 year warranty is null and void unless you have a bed frame and support that meet a standard that almost nothing meets (in part due to using such witchcraft as “geometry” and materials that aren’t particle board.) Conveniently enough, the mattress company is prepared to save the day by selling you a bed frame that does fit their exacting specifications AND they can have it delivered along with the mattress, which is lucky because you don’t have time to locate a different frame on your own and get it delivered and assembled in advance (besides, what if your changing mattress sizes? Where will you sleep in the meantime? Mattress guys aren’t going to do it for you.) Disgusted? Sure you are! Enough to go through the hassle of contacting a tech company by phone (the only way they’ll modify orders, which is deliberately lovely and ironic) to cancel the order and then begin the whole process of finding and purchasing a different one? You throwing up your hands and saying gently caress it and just buying the high-margin add-on is clearly part of the actual business model. I’m spiteful, so after using a referral discount to buy and then getting the arm-twisting text message(!) about the special frame requirements, I convinced them I would, in fact, cancel the order before I either sacrificed the warranty or got manipulated by their scheme, so they sent me frame guidelines in writing and I got down to making a modular set of adjustable, maple frame supports that would let me set the support height just right for various mattress heights while not resulting in a detectable mattress bump. Fuckers.
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Mar 29, 2021 11:10
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Currently having trouble breathing because my lungs are being squished by my stomach which is being pushed on by my gut which is being pushed on by my colon which is being pushed on by my prostate which is currently the size of a baseball due to chronic prostatitis. You're not supposed to have prostatitis when you're 26, so there are extra problems caused by your organs being nice and young and healthy and full of life instead of shriveled and old. Being healthy has injured me, and that's the dumbest thing I can think of.
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Mar 29, 2021 11:20
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Happy Landfill posted:Not my story but my roommate's: when he was 14 he was in the shower, trying to get a morning jerk in before school when he realized he could really use some lotion to help things along. He reached for the new bottle of lotion his mom had put there, not realizing before it was much too late that his mom had bought pumice lotion. And unfortunately he was too far along to just stop What do you mean he couldn't stop? If you're exfoliating your dick by surprise you don't just keep jacking it right? Ugh, that pumice lotion is really efficient at removing skin. I admit I don't have a penis but I can't imagine a scenario where you just keep on trucking through a sandpapering. Surely you'd take the healing time into consideration before finishing? Jesus. OW.
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Mar 29, 2021 13:57
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No terrible damage except some road rash and my pride: Young me decided to test out my No Hands skills with my bike, so I went as fast as I could on a dirt road, holding hands behind my back then slammed on the foot brakes. The bike stopped, I did not. But now I teach physics so I guess I learned something.
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Mar 29, 2021 14:13
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Thread title reminded me of my uncle. After my uncle got divorced and he and my dad retired, he would drive over from Louisiana on his motorcycle to sleep in our backroom and hang out with my dad (they were old college buddies on top of being brothers-in-law). The back room had a futon flatted out next to a wall. Anyway, one night during one of his visits, he has a dream he's being attacked by something going for his feet. He kicks whatever is coming at him in his dream, and in the real world he kicks a hole in our backroom wall, hitting a beam with his big toe and smashing that toe to absolute bits.
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Mar 29, 2021 15:14
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crowtribe posted:
On one hand, that is some impressive loving power, on the other, loving ow.
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Mar 29, 2021 15:56
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It was my second day of clown class and some guy who was a friend of a friend and was maybe 110lbs soaking wet was assigned to catch me if i fell off of a large rubber ball on which we were supposed to balance. He froze up and stared as I somehow bore the weight of my entire body on my hyperextended middle finger.
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Mar 29, 2021 16:14
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fizzymercury posted:What do you mean he couldn't stop? If you're exfoliating your dick by surprise you don't just keep jacking it right? Ugh, that pumice lotion is really efficient at removing skin. I admit I don't have a penis but I can't imagine a scenario where you just keep on trucking through a sandpapering. Surely you'd take the healing time into consideration before finishing? Jesus. OW. I don't have a penis either and I have asked him the same exact thing. maybe a male Goon could weigh in
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Mar 29, 2021 16:30
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While working in Kuwait, my friend had his taint severally burned by a bidet. Story goes water for the building was stored on roof, and cooling system failed. So, scalding hot water met taint.
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Mar 29, 2021 16:33
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fizzymercury posted:What do you mean he couldn't stop? If you're exfoliating your dick by surprise you don't just keep jacking it right? Ugh, that pumice lotion is really efficient at removing skin. I admit I don't have a penis but I can't imagine a scenario where you just keep on trucking through a sandpapering. Surely you'd take the healing time into consideration before finishing? Jesus. OW. Happy Landfill posted:I don't have a penis either and I have asked him the same exact thing. I mean I understand being in the heat of the moment, but pain to the penile region is an instant stop sign for me. Maybe the dude is just into pain?
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Mar 29, 2021 16:53
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Happy Landfill posted:I don't have a penis either and I have asked him the same exact thing. I think your friend was telling you he had a fetish for the really rough stuff.
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Mar 29, 2021 16:59
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Whacked my head off an air conditioner so hard I bled a shitload. No stiches, so if I ever go bald, I'ma look like Gorbachov. I'm the owner of a dope thumb scar from being born with trigger finger and getting it fixed. Downright most idiot injury was breaking my pinky toe stubbing it on a bed post. That little fucker huuurts.
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Mar 29, 2021 23:22
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I broke my big toe running around the house playing with my cat, just took a corner to fast, fell, and came down entirely on the toe. Slept on it and it looked even worse the next morning, so I went to the ER (thankfully it was not my pedal foot) as I'm driving into the parking lot I see a valet sign and my groggy rear end thinks to myself "what the gently caress, what kind of fancy rich person hospital is this? Valet service, what for?" Then I parked my car at the very back of the gigantic parking lot, took one hobbled step, and realized "oh duh that's the reason there's a valet service." 
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Mar 29, 2021 23:29
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marshmallow creep posted:Thread title reminded me of my uncle. After my uncle got divorced and he and my dad retired, he would drive over from Louisiana on his motorcycle to sleep in our backroom and hang out with my dad (they were old college buddies on top of being brothers-in-law). The back room had a futon flatted out next to a wall.
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Mar 30, 2021 08:30
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got really bad road rash on my arms and hip, a laceration above my eyebrow, and broke my glasses from running across a parking lot at full speed to catch my ride-to-work before they actually left, because i left a bunch of poo poo in the car that i needed and i was still pretty new to the job and didn't want to get written up or whatever. i bailed super hard and nearly faceplanted onto concrete. skidded instead. it was extremely stupid because i still had my loving phone with me, but i straight up wasn't thinking, it was all an adrenaline impulse thing. had to call out of work after all that anyway because i needed to go home and fix myself up (and find my spare pair of glasses). thankfully i'm old enough now to know its dumb to ever care that much about getting in trouble at work. still have a scar from the eyebrow laceration!
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Mar 30, 2021 18:04
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Found an archery arrow in a nearby field when I was about 5 or 6 and was playing with it all afternoon. Brought it inside and was running around with it before dinner, decided that I would run around with the arrow in front of me. The arrow proceeded to then get caught on the floor transition from the tile kitchen floor to the carpet in the living room. This led to me hitting myself directly in the testicles with the feathered end of the arrow. Instant tears, screaming, and proceeded to vomit all over the floor. Didn't rip my sack thankfully, but did end up with two severely bruised testicles for my trouble.
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Mar 30, 2021 20:31
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Zil posted:Found an archery arrow in a nearby field when I was about 5 or 6 and was playing with it all afternoon. Brought it inside and was running around with it before dinner, decided that I would run around with the arrow in front of me. The arrow proceeded to then get caught on the floor transition from the tile kitchen floor to the carpet in the living room. This led to me hitting myself directly in the testicles with the feathered end of the arrow. This is comedic gold. You set up Chekhov's gun on the mantle over the fireplace only to trip and fall directly into the roaring fire below. Truly hilarious and I'm glad you didn't neuter yourself
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Mar 30, 2021 20:37
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All of my dumb injuries have occurred after midnight, when I should have been in bed instead. 1) Went roller skating late at night with some friends (as an adult), tried to do a spin in the opposite direction from my usual, lost my balance, put my arm straight out to catch myself on the ground, broke my arm at the elbow. 2) Decided to do the dishes before I went to bed at 1 AM. The drinking glass I was washing somehow shattered in my hand as I was twisting the sponge around the inside. Sliced the hell out of my hand in an awkward place, along the edge of my palm closest to my thumb, at the point where the joint of my index finger sits. It was bleeding so much I couldn’t get a bandaid to stick, so I just wrapped it gauze and went to bed. ( I should have gotten stitches but I was in my pajamas and didn’t feel like driving myself to the hospital.) It took days to stop bleeding, due to the location—every time I’d move my index finger, I’d open the wound. I have only a tiny little scar to show for all that blood now...doesn’t seem fair. 3) Decided to do the laundry one night after midnight. Long story short, the hose connecting the hot water to the machine burst and my apartment got flooded. As I was running around picking up valuables from the floor, I slipped on the wet rug, put my left hand down on the cushioned piano bench to catch myself, and my weight pressed my hand into the cushion, bending my left thumb back in unnatural ways. Tore a ligament in the thumb, had to wear a brace for 6 weeks and couldn’t use that hand for anything. Thank God I’m right handed. Now I’ve learned to ignore the urge to clean late at night and just go to bed.
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Mar 30, 2021 21:37
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My cousin ripped his ball sack open doing a skateboard trick
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Mar 30, 2021 21:50
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That's a neat trick, but can he do it again?
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Mar 30, 2021 21:57
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marshmallow creep posted:That's a neat trick, but can he do it again? It's actually a line from Letterkenny, but in the course of conversation they use the phrase "ripped open his (or my) ball sack doing a skateboard trick" about a dozen times and I enjoyed it.
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Mar 30, 2021 21:59
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Shithouse Dave posted:In 1993, I broke my coccyx being repeatedly thrown off the back of an ornery riding school pony. That fucker still hurts when the weather changes. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Oh, I managed to severely mess up the muscles on the lower right part of my back because some STUPID motherfucker kept using foil on sticky strips in the shaking incubator meaning that when someone used 1L conical flasks, they'd slip and break meaning I would have to clean the resulting mess with my back at an awkward angle... This means every so often I get an extremely unpleasant inflammation that usually requires me to take ibuprofen and so stretches and occasionally requires me to go to the doctors because I cannot breathe correctly because of the pain. ...that's a person I would happily hunt down if I got their name.
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Mar 31, 2021 11:24
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Getting hurt or screwing up because of someone else's mistake but being unable to know who because the thing was so minor (while its effect on you was significant) is the most infuriating poo poo in the world.
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Mar 31, 2021 11:43
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I had to take my cat to the vet and he really didn't want to go in his carrier. It took 45 minutes to fight my sick cat into the drat thing and we make it ten steps out the front door when he literally kicks apart the entire carrier and escapes. I try to quickly grab him because he's an indoor cat and he's clearly terrified and I want to run him back into the apartment, instead I fall on my right knee with all of my weight and believe me I have a lot of weight. Long story short I get my cat fixed up (His initial problem AND his broken toe from kicking apart a box designed to contain him) and to this day my knee hurts whenever it rains or I put too much weight on it.
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Mar 31, 2021 21:54
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PinheadSlim posted:I want to run him back into the apartment, instead I fall on my right knee with all of my weight and believe me I have a lot of weight. I had this happen to me once in college when I slipped on a wet floor. Same knee, even. My knee instantly went cold and I spent the rest of the night in a sort of shocky state. When I finally got to a doctor a couple of days later (US healthcare sucks poo poo now, and it sucked poo poo then), the idiot I saw didn't even order any X-rays. He just poked around at my clearly swollen deformed knee and told me I probably popped the bursa sacs and had a case of bursitis. So, 20 years later I need an MRI on that same knee for something unrelated, and what did they discover? An old MCL tear that had apparently long since healed. Every now and then I'll pivot wrong and that old injury flares up again. If I could go back in time and kick that rear end in a top hat doctor I saw in college in the nuts, I totally would.
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Mar 31, 2021 23:27
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Two separate times I've slammed a door on the same hand I closed it with
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Mar 31, 2021 23:52
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Poasty posted:Two separate times I've slammed a door on the same hand I closed it with I managed to do this. Thankfully the gasket prevented a ton of injury, but I was totally stuck, and the door locked. My right hand in the door, my left hand free. Cue trying to get my keys out of my right side pocket with my left hand. Nasty bruise.
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Apr 1, 2021 00:00
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Poasty posted:Two separate times I've slammed a door on the same hand I closed it with This, except with a sliding van door.
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Apr 1, 2021 00:06
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Got poo poo-hammered and passed out with my mouth wide open. Guess my uvula swole up and got irritated. Waking up, it occured to me immediately that it was swolen, laying forward on my tongue and causing me to gag. When I swallowed it felt like the uvula was trying to get swallowed as well. Very embarrassing doctor trip, very uncomfortable day. I almost cried
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Apr 1, 2021 00:19
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