canyoneer posted:

HAIL FELLOW
TIS A FINE CAP
FOR A JESTER TO WEAR
TO THE HIPPODROME
THOU FOOL

Nosfereefer posted:

vlad the inhaler

Teddy Thunders posted:

Teddy Thunders posted:

OH poo poo

IT'S EASTER

PUT A SIGN ON IT THAT SAYS "HE IS RISEN, BUT WHAT IF TOO MUCH????"

Barking Gecko posted:

FactsAreUseless posted:

Haha, five o' the clock, heading home to the old ball and chain. See you tomorrow, Jerry.
/


Doo ba da ba ba bah, doo ba dee dah
/

Teddy Thunders posted:

Escape From Noise posted:

I met a traveller from way down yonder,
Who said—“Two vast and trunkless pyramids of cans
Stand in the pale moonlight. . . . Near them, on the muddy water,
Half sunk a shattered truck lies, whose fogged windows,
And grape snow cones, and sneer of cold burger,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that lived for the minute, and the heart that laid rubber;
And on the Georgia asphalt, these words appear:
My name is Alan Jackson, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
But he never got caught. Round the decay
Of that colossal hoochie coochie, boundless and bare
The lone and level muddy waters stretch far away.

nut posted:

Hahaha Whoah everyone stand back Scott is going to dance like a robot right here in front of the indigo again just like he did when we were on our way in

solarNativity posted:

https://i.imgur.com/EHFFGYE.mp4

e: this may not be exactly 220 cans. feel free to count/do the math

Prof. Crocodile posted:

I got my blood replaced with whisky because frankly it just saves me the time and cost of constantly buying it and drinking it, only to pee it all out again in a few hours.

Twenty Four posted:

my life

Escape From Noise posted:

Doc says I got the wet bone. May not have long to live.

google THIS posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGt5AGoDYbI

alnilam posted:

alnilam posted:

Dip Viscous posted:

walkthroughs for retro video games written in the style of recipe websites

Prof. Crocodile posted:

my earliest memories of kid icarus come from my grandmother, at her house in the country, when I was 9 years old. I came from a big family, and playing video games were an important ritual that helped keep us connected, both to ourselves and to our past. playing video games during the holidays were quiet the production, with almost every member of the family shuffling around the den, eager to contribute to the days festivities. but kid icarus was something that only grandma and I played, and playing it together felt like sharing a secret with your best friend.

the walkthrough below is based on the strategy that my grandmother perfected over years of playing kid icarus—a strategy that she kept tinkering with, in true grandma fashion, until she passed away in 2006. but to really understand the walkthrough, and why she cultivated it so diligently, we have to go back to Prussia in 1902, when her mother—my great grandmother—was just starting to dream of a new life in America while making handmade video games at local market in konigsburg.

young people today may find this hard to believe, but in the days before raytracing and subsecond load screens, every piece of the video game was made by hand. it was hard work, but to those old world artisans the craftsmanship was its own reward. I often think about my great grandmother, meticulously placing one pixel next to another, and wonder what she would have thought of me and grandma casually entering passwords that we had looked up in Nintendo power, instead of earning them hard way. would she have been angry, or would she have instinctively understood the bond that we were sharing as we traded the controller back and forth and traded inside jokes about how the snakes looked cross-eyed?

Barking Gecko posted:

From: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3817675

How Wonderful! posted:

hey nice penis man, where'd you get that thing, Kaybee Toys? now bring that stupid piece of poo poo over here I'm gonna punch its lights out

DOPE FIEND KILLA G posted:

Macnult posted:

Macnult posted:

interviewer: it says here you’re bilingual?

me: cum. nut bang cum

interviewer: you’re hired

Khanstant posted:

So I've been watching Family Matters starting at Season 8 and the weirdest thing about this show is how they treat Myra. She's meant to be as annoying as Urkel and characters treat her as an insufferable nuisance. The problem is she's more conventionally charming and attractive than she is any kind of Urkel-esque nightmare, except for when she is directly interacting with him, and that's twofold not really a problem (in terms of relative nuisance towards characters viewing Urkel and Myra as nuisances) -- one, they are an incredibly well-matched couple, complimentary but with a good amount of overlap in interests, it's less annoying and more just good companionship, if they were two people who were your friends and who you often had over at your home, you'd probably think it was cute or at the very least be happy for them and grumble about whatever degree of PDA you don't care to see in any coupling. Two - if they're being urkelnoying together, then others are not being actively harangued as much as if Urkel's or Myra's attention was solely on them. She's somewhere on the line between quirky and pixie dreamgirl but she's treated as only a minor step-down in nuisance compared to Urkel or Myrtle (played by Urkel) who is a bit closer to Urkel's annoyingness simply via being the same actor. Myra wearing a slightly robinhood outfit after having been in archery class is hardly the outrageously insufferable act the show makes it out to be. I've kind of spoiled the series finale for myself reading some "where are they know" clickbait's or whatever and I know the series ends with Urkel getting engaged to the Laura character, with the intention that the next non-existent season would've had their marriage. I'm still in Season 8 where Laura and Stefan (Urkel's transformed clone that is suave instead of nasally and not as smart) are in a relationship, which also seems pretty healthy insofar as 90s sitcom relationships go. Without knowing what contrivance they break-up, they too are well-matched and functional together for me to make sense of it, don't get me wrong, Urkel does not treat Myra very well and does not deserve to be with her, but in the blameless way the show will gloss over much of his behaviour in this regard, it's a very sensible and happy relationship for them outside of the kind of forced laura-thing they insist on adding in. It's actually pretty jarring when Urkel blatantly hits on Laura. I vaguely remember him always having a crush on her (isn't reality the opposite of this? i seem to recall a study showing attraction to neighbor kids was reduces in line with the same principle that ensures siblings are not attracted to one another, something to do about the closeness and early exposure, i mean, abstractly evolutionarily makes sense to me at least: keep genetic diversity by not mating with relatives, relatives are other animals that are usually around and closer to you than other animals, so dont be attracted to the ones close when you're young) and it's an ongoing thing in these late seasons despite them both being in secure relationships and also all friends with each other to the point Urkel is being a shithead to at least three people anytime he hits on Laura. I wouldn't make a pass at my brothers' wives, and I'd be much more closely related to my slightly-altered fully adult clone that I personally created -- surely my obligation to this clone are deeper and closer than that of even a parent to-child, sibling-to-sibling, home-to-homie. Sadly Urkel pays Stefan barely any mind, they rarely speak or interact, even when Urkel once again is having a major impact on his life. Urkel created Stefan and when Urkel's buffoonery transports the family to France, he introduces a big obstacle for Stefan and Laura's relationship (which they overcome and grow as a couple while demonstrating values important to both of them) but gently caress if Urkel cares or even acknowledges it. Heck Urkel only really gets around to informing Myra of the whole france and teleporter thing by accident when she's looking for him, not knowing where or what he is doing. Not looking forward to how they hamfist this coupling in the end, and I think Urkel could be forgiven for a lot, but I don't think I'd be okay with that kind of intrapersonal behaviors in my house, had I a house and family who allowed me to say things like that, but then I'd apologize for acting so patriarchal and explain that "Urkel's previous behaviour while in a relationship with a family friend is an indicator he would be a poor partner for you -- and I would also caution your feelings towards Urkel in this time, with your break-up with Stefan being so recent. Despite their similarities and circumstance of existence, they are still fundamentally unique individuals and I just want to make sure you're not "rebounding" with Urkel simply because he reminds you of Stefan in some ways. That said, I also want you to understand that I will love, respect, try to understand, and support you unconditionally, regardless of who you choose to be with or not. I would like to claim I offer this unconditional support because of our genetic relation, under which some obtuse perspectives on the 'meaning' of life would mean my own life is literally here only to ensure the well-being and survival of my offspring, so that they may also do so for their own offspring some day, thus fulfilling our role as organisms in the replication and recombination of DNA. Look, I know y'all hate when I try to anthropomorphize pop-science concepts I misunderstand to rationalize or explain away my behaviour and I beyond just acknowledging how insufferable it is to hear, and how hypocritical it is of me to speak this way when I so often criticize Urkel for similar psuedointellectual ramblings, especially suspecting he may be non-neutrotypical in some way on top of being a literal super-genius on a mad scientist level -- and I apologize for the ableism in the same breathe as discussing mental health I didn't mean or I'm just as a cultural reference point for the frankly sci-fi degree, right, sci-fi, I should've said that, i apologize again, but the sci-fi tier of Urkel's power... not just the inventions, but the resources, -- the logistics, Laura! I see him so often I don't understand when or how or where he's making any of this, yeah, maybe I feel a little jealous, inadequate, maybe that's why I try to convince myself reading wikipedia is a substitute for learning, for reading, if I jam enough of that in a sentence I can make a cloud for myself, make a framework to drown out the noise of what I won't think-- Laura, what I'm trying to say is -- all of that is a shield, a coping mechanism, and why I wanted to reiterate my unconditional love is because of the thing we never talk about. It's time I acknowledge how I failed to offer this support to Judy, your mother and I both let Judy down. We weren't there for her when we needed to be, she went up the stairs and... we just let her, she never came back down. We never looked until it was too late, she already ceased to exist. You were right, by the way, I pretended I was too drunk to remember, but I heard you, and you were right. We adopted 3J and Richie because of the guilt we felt about Judy, we just weren't ready to acknowledge it. Maybe we still aren't but the time to start is now. I will never let you go like we did to Judy, and the same goes for 3J and Richie. I have no right to lecture you on relationships and I have learning and healing to do, and I hope we can all move towards that as a family, but I respect if you need space or don't want that pressure, I don't want this to just be for the benefit of my own bruised psyche, I seek genuine repentance and desire to do better, and I know I can never be forgiven for letting my own child disappear and then never mention it until the weight of it has caused fractures to crack open into canyons. This degree of emotional labour I'm asking of all of us is unfair too, I didn't plan to unload like this but this is a 90s sitcom Laura, Frasier didn't start airing until a few seasons into our lives, and it's hardly a sensible or fair depiction of psychology or anything or anyone for that matter. Had I therapist they might tell me this self-indulgent solipsist rationalization was a different face of the same coping mechanisms, I'm running from what I won't say what I am going to say what I can't not say now I'm a cop, Laura. I know nobody disappears unless we disappears, oh my god, Judy is gone Laura, she didn't disappear, nobody disappears oh my god why cant i remember oh my god" But more generally speaking, Urkel's greatest crimes are simply those of invention and not utilizing them for Good, in the same way Christ is kind of a rotten bastard when you consider the exponential relationship between degree of power and responsibility (plus given his superpowers he was fully aware of the violence in death soon to be brought in his name, those hurt by malform interpretation and enforcement of his supposed intended message of "good news" as well as lacking the cognitive ability to have easily found exactly the way to have organized his future religion such that it would've maximized utility and Goodness in the world instead). Transformative cloning machine, time machine, teleporter pad -- it's not hard to see infinite uses and opportunities to do good in the world, without having to really sacrifice anything whatsoever for yourself. Carl probably should be the figure guiding Urkel when he invents these things, but he's pretty numb to it all, on top of being a cop, so his training and instincts are not geared towards selflessness or altruism in any way. The latter two are just the extreme accomplishments or science Urkel made in one season, for all I know in prior seasons he found a way to revive the recently dead, or cured cancer, but then only used it for one episode's worth of hijinks, never applying it in an important way, or even just sharing the technology or knowledge with the world. However everyone gives Jesus a pass for not doing enough while he was there, so maybe my standards are too high with regard to the responsibility of the super-powered. In any case, even ignoring Urkel's mistreatment of everyone at times, aside from whatever degree of failure to apply his gifts for Good you hold against him, regardless of just the way he seems to constantly engage in behavior that very often brings discord to the family unit -- he quite often just steals from them, Carl especially. Urkel intentionally uses his seemingly buffoonish demeanor to his advantage, for example, on a "normal" trip to annoy Carl about this or that, Urkel misdirects Carl's attention, manipulating him based on his knowledge and experience meddling with Carl, while, with the nimble and deft hand of a magician or pickpocket, uses some blueprints he is holding to literally steal pancakes off of Carl's plate! Sometimes I wonder why this family puts up with this guy!

Luvcow posted:

from the tviv couch chat thread

Nosfereefer posted:

your friend sk posted:

FutonForensic posted:

off with her head? how about you offer her head, instead. the sun never goes down on the queen, but i sure as hell do

Finger Prince posted:

Hot take: Tots are the ikea furniture of deep fried potatoes.

alnilam posted:

11 pm drunk off my rear end trying to assemble my Kljörn tater tot, decide to totally ignore the pictorial warning on the instructions not to use power tools

Mormon Nailer posted:

I'm the drawing of the guy on the phone with the IKEA help desk crying and begging them to save his marriage because he lost the most important piece of the Tåtör, the very small cube that looks a bit like a burnt piece.

Prof. Crocodile posted:

join the byob army. we do less by 9 pm than most people do by 9 am.

Android Blues posted:

with each ledge ascent and death-defying wall run i tell myself "You are being good today. You deserve not to fall and hurt your ankle. You deserve a rich inner life. This is alright; doing parkour is fun, and even if it's not fast or profitable, you love parkour because it is tubular, not because it can extract profit from circumstances." I fall and hurt my ankle anyway; I know that I did not deserve it, and the pain seems less as a result.

When the sprain swells up, my doctor says the swelling is extreme. I nod and agree with her, sober: "That's exactly what it is. Radical swelling." She tells me it is actually radial swelling. She tells me to stop doing parkour in the car park behind my apartment block; I tell her she is asking a bird not to lay an egg, and leave.

How Wonderful! posted:

That entire riff was so good.

How Wonderful! posted:

That entire riff was so good.

Mormon Nailer posted:

Well, y'all know I knit, crochet, weave, spin, work leather, process fleece, make food,etc., but my new thing is I'm learning to properly butcher.

So I have to butcher a pig. It was eating this morning but, uh, now it's not. So that's interesting.

alnilam posted:

That sounds like a real ham job

bad guy posted:

I dress my hockey sticks up. This one is the mommy. This one is the daddy. They are not allowed to touch. Bad mommy! She is trying to touch daddy. Do you want Baby Wayne to break you in half, mommy? Baby Wayne will break you in half. He can do it! - Wayne Gretzky

Drink-Mix Man posted:

Yabba Dabba Do Not Tread On Me