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Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim visits poophub.com during work hours and when Dwight catches him Jim yells out, "Ew Dwight what is this link you sent me?"

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Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

jim breaks into the office at night and sabotages dwight's desktop computer

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim asks Dwight how Rob Zombie is like in real life. Dwight replies that he’s actually a pretty normal guy, and…
Something is wrong.
Dwight’s head starts to stretch and bend, it now looks like a silly straw.
Jim mugs the camera. “I knew you were there,” he says to the invisible space where a camera would be, “and now, Dwight does, too!”

The Bramble
Mar 16, 2004

Jim starts calling Dwight "Baleen Boy".

To his horror, Dwight's arms begin to morph into flippers, his legs fuse and become a tail, and his torso both elongates and widens. His terrified screams slowly change to panicked bleats as Dwight grows to occupy most of the room. Jim, masturbating furiously, mugs the camera.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim starts calling Dwight "Doug Funney" because Doug loves "The Beets".

Jim starts wearing a leather jacket to work.

Jim starts just calling Dwight "Funney"

Jim legally changes his name to Roger Klotz.

Roger starts calling Angela "Patty Mayonnaise"

Roger starts beating up "Doug Funney" every day after "class"

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Just like every morning, Jim flips a coin.

"Heads, I prank Dwight. Tails, I finally divorce Pam."

The coin lands heads, as it does every morning. Jim merrily walks to work, only stopping to get a coffee at Dunkin Donuts and place a rare poison in it. A nice gift for Dwight, he thinks.

Jim and Pam's infant son, Phillip, starts playing with the double headed coin Jim flips every day. Pam rushes downstairs, removes the coin, and places Phllip in his high chair.

Pam is one of the few people who realizes exactly what's going on, a side-effect of being so close to Jim. Phillip was born 56 years ago and hasn't aged in decades. Pam wipes some strained peas off his chin and thinks, not for the first time, about smothering him and ending whatever hellish existence he's living through. Does he have any idea what's going on? Or is he still as ignorant as most people?

The 58 year old Cece Halpert comes tumbling down the stairs, all of two years old physically. Sadly, she's begun to grasp what's going on. But her brain is still that of a two year old, unable to fully understand it. Cece mostly just looks sad and will say something like "Daddy make it forever" or "Too many days". There's only so many times you can have the same birthday party before you start to think something is very, very wrong.

Pam's "mother" comes over to watch the kids. Jim's been getting lazier and lazier with these things, and the most recent one looks like a 4 foot tall fleshy praying mantis wearing a Halloween mask.

"Hellllooooooo, dear." it hisses at Pam. Pam nods and heads to work.

Jim's getting lazy in a lot of ways, she thinks. The sun is now just a yellow ball in the sky, sunrises and sunsets stopped happening a few years ago. Jim said it was to prank Dwight, but Pam just thinks he's forgotten what they looked like. Weather is boring now too, rain and snow, that's all you get. And snow only happens around Christmas, at least on the years Jim remembers Christmas. Thank God he loves pranking Dwight during those Christmas parties.

Pam drives past one blocky building after another. People rarely come out here, so Jim kind of half-assed a lot of this section. There's the Chinese restaurant where Michael skipped out on paying his bill before Holly reconciled with him, though. That building is, of course, perfectly realized.

Pam hits the parking lot at 8:50 a.m. Jim is already there. Pam watches, emotionless, as Jim uses a giant slingshot to launch a watermelon from the parking lot and hit Dwight in the head at his desk.

Jim makes eye contact with Pam for a moment and Pam realizes that he's like a shark, a pranking machine that just rolls through life without any regard for anything else. Jim walks up to the office without even acknowledging Pam. At least this isn't one of those days he's trying to pretend to care, she thinks.

Pam takes a last look at Scranton before going into work. Empty buildings, a sky that's just a solid blue with a yellow ball floating in it. Pam sees a "squirrel" run up a tree and vomits when she gets a good look at it. Does Jim think that's what squirrels look like? That many angles, that much pulsating flesh? How far gone is he now? She sees Charles Miner, floating motionless, hundreds of feet up in the air. Was Jim going to have him visit today? Or is he just so goddamn lazy he left him floating up there and forgot?

Pam thinks about running away, but is unsure of where she could go. Some days, she thinks she and the children are the only "real" people left. She's even beginning to have her doubts about Dwight. Could he seriously get pranked EVERY DAY for decades and not realize that something is terribly, terribly wrong with reality? Pam silently heads to her desk.

Dwight, who is very real, suspects every bit of this but also believes that Pam is just one of Jim's constructs. There are days Dwight prays for death, and they're more and more frequent every year.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim changes Dwight's email signature to read "VP of Donut Sales". Dwight sends one email to his mother before realizing the error and fixing it.

Jim laughs maniacally and then mugs for the camera when Dwight gets a text from his mother saying "Congrats on the promotion - LOL jk"

SuperMechagodzilla
Jun 9, 2007

NEWT REBORN
Jim yells out, "relax, Dwight! It's just a prank, bro!"

He's begun doing this at random intervals, in the hopes of taking credit for anything unpleasant in the world.

Doubling down on this mass-pranking tactic, Jim accepts the blame for thousands of brutal warcrimes and gets convicted at the Hague.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim asks Dwight if he'd like to go to dinner after work. Dwight politely declines, explaining that he has some work to do in the beet fields.

Two men in fancy suits then show up, call Jim "Mr. Halpert" and say that his "millionaire's helicopter" is ready.

Jim waggles his eyebrows and asks if Dwight wants to go to dinner now.

Dwight again politely declines, saying that the beet fields won't work themselves.

Jim uploads the entire interaction to his youtube channel "Jim's World Class Pranks and Funny Vids" under the title "Pranking a Gold Digger at the Office for Minecraft Diamonds??". The thumbnail is Jim mugging for the camera in front of a bikini-clad chest.

Jim gets 3.8 million views on this video in a week.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Jim refers to Dwight as 'Balloon Boy" and Dwight shoots him in the face for violating the verbal NAP they had.

numberoneposter
Feb 19, 2014

How much do I cum? The answer might surprise you!

Applewhite posted:

Jim watches Kill Bill Vol 2. The next day he releases a deadly black mamba into Dwight's farmhouse.
Dwight trains the Black Mamba into a docile sweet pet, something only a Shrute could capable of.

However Jim convinces Dwight that it's actually a rare trouser snake and he should ask as many people as possible if they would like to see it.

Yadda yadda yadda Dwight ends up on the sexual predator list personally wrangled in by Chris Hansen.

Jim, as he is to do, smugly eats the "trouser snake" alive in one disturbing slurp.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim calls Dwight "balloon boy" and Dwight loses his freaking mind. "What did you call me? What did you just call me, you little PUNK!?" he screams into a quavering Jim's ear. Jim shrinks down into his desk, but Dwight is in his face, pressed against him and beet red. "NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN! DO YOU HEAR ME?" screams Dwight, not letting Jim get an inch of space between them.

Jim is crying now, gasping for air, and can't say anything.
"WHAT?!" bellows Dwight into his face.
Jim, in between heaves, manages to gasp, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Dwight feints a fist a Jim, who flinches back, then he stands. He looks levelly at Jim for a full moment. "Thought so," he spits derisively. Then he returns to his seat, calmly raises his phone to his ear, and resumes his sales call. "Oh, yes Mister Belvin, I apologize for the interruption. Now did you say you needed the ivory, or just the true white cardstock?"

Jim is dry heaving on the floor. He weakly tries to smirk at the camera.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim asks Dwight what his "anime ability" is.

Dwight is extremely far behind on work and, hoping to get rid of Jim for a while, says he has the power to finish work by 5 pm every day.

Jim says that's pretty cool, but his power is the ability to raise bees in his back.

"Wanna see?" says a smiling Jim as he removes his shirt, revealing that his back has been turned into a fleshy beehive full of buzzing insects.

In a talking head segment, Oscar admits that he understood the reference but didn't want to admit that he had watched Ninja Scroll.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Jim's pranks become increasingly erratic and nonsensical, worrying everyone in the office. Unbeknownst to most Oscar can see a ghostly image hovering over Jim that grins in an upsetting manner. Oscar calls this being a "Stand" because the apparition "stands" by Jim no matter what.

Dignity Van Houten
Jul 28, 2006

abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P


Jim (who is the IT administrator for the Scranton business park) rolls out Cisco Umbrella which puts Dwight's favorite forum on a blacklist. When Dwight tries to access the website, he gets redrected to a page stating that it's blocked because of the category: sex and weapons. Dismayed, Dwight is forced to post using his phone's data plan. The reception from his cube is poor. Jim mugs the camera.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
"Behold the power of「9 to 5」!!" Jim cackles as his Stand punches Dwight over and over again. Kevin knows that he could easily save Dwight with「Red Hot Chilli Pepper」, but can he afford to spill the beans of his Stand's abilities so soon?!

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim is eating a Quizno's sub for lunch and starts singing, even with a mouth full of food.

"We wub da subschhh, cub dey are good to uschhh!" he says, spraying bits of bread and shredded lettuce everywhere.

Dwight asks if Jim is seriously singing the Spongmonkeys song, given that the ad came out in 2004.

"Well, you remember it."

Dwight can't argue with Jim for once and sits there, silently, as Jim sprays more sandwich from his mouth, directly at Dwight's face.

stump collector
May 28, 2007
Jim knows Dwight has an important meeting with Michael at nine, so he kills Michael and removes his skin at eight thirty. He wears Michaels face to the meeting and makes Dwight have sex with him for the promotion to assistant manager. Dwight is horrified, but he respects The Office

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD
Jim feels like he's just spinning plates at this point. Is there anything authentic about his pranks anymore or is he just trying outdo the bizarre sadistic surrealism of his last prank? Jim decides to revisit his roots and explore the simpler themes of the past. He takes out a gun and shoots Dwight twice in the chest. He murders Dwight and there's nothing crazy or weird about it. It's just a senseless loss of life.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim orders Dwight to stay in Dunder-Mifflin’s Kabul office branch during the withdrawal, telling him to ensure an orderly transition and assuring him that he will have several months before he needs to worry about leaving.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim steals Dwight’s dick.

Dwight yells, “Michael!” He storms off toward Michael’s office to tell on Jim.

“Colder,” says Jim.

Dwight hesitates just before entering Michael’s office. He moves away from the door.

“Warmer,” says Jim.

Dwight follows Jim’s hints, getting warmer and warmer as he approaches the bathrooms.

“Red hot!” says Jim when Dwight touches the handle to the men’s room door.

Dwight storms into the bathroom. His penis is in the toilet!

Just as Dwight is about to reach into the bowl and pull it out, Kevin shoves past him and slams his fat rear end onto the toilet seat.

“I’m having chili diarrhea!” exclaims Kevin.

Jim smirks at the camera. He takes a bottle of “Chili Laxative” off his desk and tucks it into his desk drawer.

Pastel Candy Snake
Sep 6, 2018

by Hand Knit
Jim takes Dwight to Seaworld for the day. Dwight, clapping with childlike glee, hoots and hollers while running towards Shamu's tank, hoping to see him up close. Jim punches the glass of the tank so hard it shatters, and the resulting force of the water gushing out kills Dwight instantly. Shamu also does not survive the prank.

The Hello Machine
Jul 19, 2021

I'm not a real machine, but I am a real Hello-sayer.
Jim spins Dwight right round like a record

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim joins the Quiverfull movement, forcing Pam to take a more subservient role in their relationship. In addition, their family grows from having 2 children to 17 children.

When Dwight voices his concerns that Jim and Pam can't possibly be good parents to all those kids, Jim raises his hands and says "Okay God, if you agree with Dwight, strike me down right now!" Nothing happens and Jim waggles his eyebrows at Dwight, then mugs for the camera.

Unknown to Dwight, Jim had already sent 5 of his children into Heaven to tackle God and hold him down, preventing him from throwing a divine lightning bolt at Jim.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight wins his local karate tournament, easily dominating the majority of his opponents. At the end of the tournament he donates the $10,000 prize to the Scranton Children's Hospital and then welcomes any of his opponents to face him in a rematch for charity.

Jim secretly takes Dwight's offer, disguising himself in a luchador mask and calling himself "El Gran Bromista". The night before the match, Jim can't stop laughing as he explains to Pam how he plans to "kick Dwight's butt" and then unmask himself. Pam asks Jim if he actually thinks he can beat Dwight in karate. Jim silently stares at her for 20 seconds, then smashes a lamp by throwing it against the wall.

"Huh, Pam? Huh??? Sorry, I can't hear you over this loving LAMP breaking! Can I beat Dwight at karate? Can I? Can I take a dump on the floor?"

Jim does exactly that and Pam begs him to stop before the kids wake up. Jim leaves, saying he needs to get some fresh air and "jerk off into the creek".

The charity match begins and "El Gran Bromista" shows up with a check for $20,000. The kids' college funds, of course.

Dwight very easily stays a step ahead of his opponent for the entire match, landing quick punches and kicks and dodging everything thrown at him. Dwight prepares to finish the match by tossing El Gran Bromista out of the ring with a well-timed judo throw. However, El Gran Bromista proceeds to spray a green mist from his mouth, covering Dwight's face and blinding him.

Jim then unmasks and makes an exaggerated "shushing" motion, as if to tell the crowd not tell Dwight it's him. Jim then reaches into his pants and pulls out a pair of brass knuckles, which he slips on and proceeds to punch Dwight directly in the face.

Jim then grabs the check and sneaks out of the dojo while Dwight lays motionless. The audience, unsure if this is some kind of a planned show or an actual attack, is unsure how to react. After a few seconds, Jim quietly sneaks back in, grabs a plate of nachos, and then sneaks back out while mugging for the camera.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Jim eats nothing but asparagus for a month and then pisses his pants. Because Dwight sits closest to Jim's desk he gets the strongest concentration of the pungent odor. Jim mugs for the camera as he starts developing a rash.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim replaces all the things on Dwight’s desk with crude duplicates made from beets.

“What’s wrong, Dwight? I thought you loved beets!” says Jim, smirkingly.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
While visiting various roadside americana on an office road trip, Jim pushes Dwight into the Anstead Mystery Hole.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Jim murders Pete Miller and turns his flesh into a full-body skin suit. When he walks into the office the next day wearing his macabre costume Jim loudly announces "I fell like a whole New Jim!"

"I don't get it." Dwight says after only taking a quick glance at Jim's latest antics.

"Because we all called Pete 'New Jim', so now I'm like the new-"

"Who the hell is Pete?" interjects an annoyed Stanley.

"Pete, you, uh, you know, he came in alongside Clark to replace Kelly and Ryan." Jim stammers, starting to feel self-conscious.

Kelly Kapoor pokes her head out from her cubicle, "Jim I'm, like, right here." Jim starts looking around frantically, clearly confused and upset. He is sweating profusely, causing Pete's skin to loosen and slough off.

"Wait what season is this? What's going on?" Jim says, trying to fix his suit.

"It's early spring." Says Devon White, the Supplier Relations officer.

Jim stammers something that nobody can make out and rushes out of the office, knocking over Robert California on his way out.

"Whats wrong with new Jim?" Mr California asks.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim starts calling Dwight “balloon boy.” Dwight objects but Jim fires a gun in the air.

“Better shut up unless you want me to pop you, balloon boy,” says Jim, leveling his pistol at Dwight and cocking the hammer.

Jim is arrested and taken to jail, but Dwight has nightmares for years.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Dwight, an avid gun enthusiast, is impressed that Jim has a single-action firearm in this day and age. Before he can ask if it is an antique or a recreation Jim fires three rounds into Dwight's chest.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

It's a quiet Friday night and Dwight is relaxing at home. Suddenly, he hears the sound of breaking glass. Before he can react, a black bag is placed over his head and he feels something sharp in his arm. His body feels extremely warm and he passes out in darkness.

When Dwight awakens he's strapped to an operating table and can feel bandages wrapped around his face. Did Jim do this?

As if his mind was read, a tall, lanky man in medical scrubs with bandages all over his face steps forward. Several tufts of floppy hair hang out from the loosely tied bandages.

"Hey Dwight," he says in a raspy voice, barely recognizable. "Do you remember at work, that one time that Kelly said I was 'smudge and arrogant'? Do you?"

Dwight can barely nod his head.

"Well, how's THIS for smudge?" Jim removes his bandages, revealing that his face is now just a smudge of flesh. His mouth is a horizontal slit and his eyes are tiny sunken dots in the strange tableau that is now Jim.

Dwight already fears the worst, that Jim has done the same to him. He tries to free his arms but it's pointless, he's completely immobile. He still can't talk and begins to fear that Jim has turned him into something even more horrific.

"But that's okay. All of this is fine. Because we're too peas in a pod, buddy. Lemme just show you what I mean."

Jim removes Dwight's bandages and shows him his face. Dwight is shocked to discover he looks totally fine, he's just still fighting through the anesthetic and unable to fully move.

"You're hideous, Dwight, just like me. Thanks to my skilled knife, we both reflect the true face of society."

Dwight mutters an acknowledgement and Jim eventually lets him off the operating table.

"Go now, my twin monster. Go into this world and wreak havoc, show them what true ugliness really is!"

Dwight is left slightly annoyed that Jim apparently already thought he was that ugly. Jim is no longer able to mug for the camera.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Jim is on trial for murdering Angela by encasing her in jello. When asked why he did it Jim smugly says "I wanted a prank that would really break the jello mold."

An enraged Dwight has to be physically restrained by three bailiffs while Jim mugs for the sketch artist.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim keeps peppering in the phrase "my black friend" during conversations, prompting Dwight to ask him who this friend is.

A visibly nervous Jim says his friend's name is "Jimson Wallpaperclock", and that he works at Nintendo. Dwight simply nods and says "Wonderful.", then continues working.

That night, Jim calls Dwight and says "Hold on, Jimson Wallpaperclock, I'm on the phone with Dwight" and then makes a noise like there's a crowd cheering behind him. When Dwight asks what Jim's calling about, Jim just says "I thought you called me, sorry, I better get back to my black friend."

The entire charade goes on for weeks, Jim constantly setting up scenarios in which he's "communicating" with Jimson, thereby "proving" that he exists. Dwight does not care and just starts ignoring these bizarre moments.

Months later, Dwight completes Metroid: Dread on his Nintendo Switch and is reading the credits.

LEAD CHARACTER DESIGN: JIMSON WALLPAPERCLOCK

Dwight laughs to himself, shocked that Jim was apparently telling the truth, but wondering why he's been so nervous about it.

The credits finish and Dwight chooses to enter a New Game+. When he does, Samus Aran removes her helmet, revealing a 3-d model of Jim. He mugs for the in-game camera as a text box appears.

HA...HA....HA....

TOLD YOU I HAD A BLACK FRIEND. I'M NOT RACIST AT ALL.

Dwight yells at the TV that he never doubted Jim's friendship or called him a racist. This prompts the in-game Jim to look away from the screen and a final text box to appear.

... OH ... NEVER MIND

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim encourages Dwight to see the new Jackass movie. Dwight is worried this is going to culminate in a dangerous Jackass style prank, and is on pins and needles.

After Jim asks him again if he's going to see it, Dwight says he doesn't want to see Jackass. Jim says "too bad, I already did", and hands him a picture.

We cut to an interview segment with Pam where she says "He jacked off on a picture of Dwight's rear end"

Kilbas
Feb 1, 2011


This is legitimately chilling

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight bites into his turkey sandwich from a local deli, only to discover that they accidentally put ham on it instead. Undeterred, he eats it and in fact greatly enjoys it. This ham is perhaps the best ham he's ever had.

In a talking head segment, Jim reveals his bleeding chest and the chunks of flesh he sliced off to place in Dwight's sandwich. Before he passes out from bloodloss, he mumbles something about "Dwight's got the hunger now".

That evening, Angela asks Dwight what he wants for dinner, and he absentmindedly says "Ham, please." Angela and Dwight cook a delicious meal together, but Dwight finds it unappealing and bland. The next day he returns to the deli, singing the praises of the ham he had. They make him another ham sandwich but Dwight spits it out on the floor, the taste of it utterly disgusting to his tongue. He apologizes for the outburst and quickly throws a 20 dollar bill at the owner before running out.

Dwight tries ordering various smoked meats all around Scranton, but each of them tastes disgusting to him. Food in general does not taste good, and even a glass of water tastes like sewage now. Dwight begins to worry that he's suffered some kind neurological damage and admits himself to Scranton General. Doctors cannot find anything wrong with him. As Dwight prepares for another test, he's struck by the most amazing smell he's ever smelled in his life. He rushes out of the room, following the smell to an private patient room. Jim sits on the bed, nude, running a hot curling iron over his body.

"Come, Dwight, aren't you hungry? Eat of my flesh." Dwight is overwhelmed by the hunger and rushes at Jim.

The doctors walk in shortly after that and find Dwight covered in blood and viscera, hunched over what remains of Jim. Mostly bone and connective tissue, the scalding hot curling iron embedded in his exposed brain. Dwight is carried away to a sanitarium.

Pam reads Jim's last will and testament, which is a rambling mess that includes various pop culture references, outright plagiarism of horror movies, and multiple tangents about professional wrestling and karate. The final line, however, leaves everyone in the room frozen in horror.

"To my friend Dwight. I hope you enjoyed your taste of being Jim Halpert."

Dwight wastes away, unable to stomach any food at all. Years later, the orderlies still claim to hear Dwight's anguished screams echo through the night.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim questions the Dunder Mifflin dress code, arguing that he should be allowed to wear whatever he wants as long as it doesn't disrupt productivity. Michael agrees with this but reminds Jim of the previous disaster with casual Friday before Toby had to cancel it. Jim argues that he won't push any boundaries, he just wants "a comfy shirt" to wear. Michael agrees.

The next day, Jim shows up wearing a T-shirt with a photo of Dwight's dead grandparents on it. As in, it's a photo of them in their graves. Taken fairly recently.

When Dwight begs Jim to take it off, Jim argues that it's "just kind of a goth t-shirt" and says it's on the same level as "that anime shirt that Kevin wears". Kevin overhears this, revealing his Inu Yasha shirt.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth

A Fancy Hat posted:

Dwight bites into his turkey sandwich from a local deli, only to discover that they accidentally put ham on it instead. Undeterred, he eats it and in fact greatly enjoys it. This ham is perhaps the best ham he's ever had.

In a talking head segment, Jim reveals his bleeding chest and the chunks of flesh he sliced off to place in Dwight's sandwich. Before he passes out from bloodloss, he mumbles something about "Dwight's got the hunger now".

That evening, Angela asks Dwight what he wants for dinner, and he absentmindedly says "Ham, please." Angela and Dwight cook a delicious meal together, but Dwight finds it unappealing and bland. The next day he returns to the deli, singing the praises of the ham he had. They make him another ham sandwich but Dwight spits it out on the floor, the taste of it utterly disgusting to his tongue. He apologizes for the outburst and quickly throws a 20 dollar bill at the owner before running out.

Dwight tries ordering various smoked meats all around Scranton, but each of them tastes disgusting to him. Food in general does not taste good, and even a glass of water tastes like sewage now. Dwight begins to worry that he's suffered some kind neurological damage and admits himself to Scranton General. Doctors cannot find anything wrong with him. As Dwight prepares for another test, he's struck by the most amazing smell he's ever smelled in his life. He rushes out of the room, following the smell to an private patient room. Jim sits on the bed, nude, running a hot curling iron over his body.

"Come, Dwight, aren't you hungry? Eat of my flesh." Dwight is overwhelmed by the hunger and rushes at Jim.

The doctors walk in shortly after that and find Dwight covered in blood and viscera, hunched over what remains of Jim. Mostly bone and connective tissue, the scalding hot curling iron embedded in his exposed brain. Dwight is carried away to a sanitarium.

Pam reads Jim's last will and testament, which is a rambling mess that includes various pop culture references, outright plagiarism of horror movies, and multiple tangents about professional wrestling and karate. The final line, however, leaves everyone in the room frozen in horror.

"To my friend Dwight. I hope you enjoyed your taste of being Jim Halpert."

Dwight wastes away, unable to stomach any food at all. Years later, the orderlies still claim to hear Dwight's anguished screams echo through the night.

The documentarian finally breaks their silence.

"Ham is a cured meat!" They wail, "How could Jim have taken his flesh and processed it to be indistinguishable from natural ham while also bleeding out the whole time? How does he steal Dwight's office supplies to put them in jello without Dwight noticing? Why are we still here?!"

Jim, whole and unharmed once again, sits in the Interview Room mugging for the camera as a new sacrifice is dragged in to replace the last one.

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poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


On Tuesday night, Dwight celebrates his wedding, with Jim even “gutten pranking” him by offering helpful, heartwarming “pranks” that make his wedding day complete. Dwight makes one final confessional where he thanks Jim for the pranks, reflects on how the office has delivered him friends and a wife, and now he manages the Scranton branch of Dunder Miffin.

On Wednesday night, Dwight wakes to find that he is younger. A pudgy Michael still manages the office. Jim has pranked Dwight by putting his stapler in jello.

“Oh no,” thinks Dwight. “The time loop has taken me again.”

TBS will never stop airing reruns. From the programming boardroom of TBS headquarters in Atlanta Georgia, Jim mugs the camera.

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