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Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Dwight glares daggers at Jim for stealing his phone and flushing the handset down the toilet.

Jim retaliates by launching spring-loaded daggers from his eyeballs that embed themselves in Dwight's face.

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ilmucche
Mar 16, 2016

What did you say the strategy was?

A Fancy Hat posted:

Dwight wins his local karate tournament, easily dominating the majority of his opponents. At the end of the tournament he donates the $10,000 prize to the Scranton Children's Hospital and then welcomes any of his opponents to face him in a rematch for charity.

Jim secretly takes Dwight's offer, disguising himself in a luchador mask and calling himself "El Gran Bromista". The night before the match, Jim can't stop laughing as he explains to Pam how he plans to "kick Dwight's butt" and then unmask himself. Pam asks Jim if he actually thinks he can beat Dwight in karate. Jim silently stares at her for 20 seconds, then smashes a lamp by throwing it against the wall.

"Huh, Pam? Huh??? Sorry, I can't hear you over this loving LAMP breaking! Can I beat Dwight at karate? Can I? Can I take a dump on the floor?"

The day arrives and Jim decides to up the stakes. The loser pays the winner $10,000 and gives another $10,000 to charity. Dwight thinks this is ridiculous, but is utterly confident because he knows Jim had never done karate before accepting the challenge.

The fight starts and Dwight goes to throw a kick. Jim had prepared for this and throws his head into Dwight's foot, falling to the ground knocked out.

Dwight is disqualified by olympic rules and has to pay up. Jim's unconscious body has a smile as it's loaded into the ambulance.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Toby arranges a therapy session for Jim and Dwight so they can with through their issues and be better colleagues. Jim turns himself into a pickle to weasel out of it.

HE'S PICKLE JIM!

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Close thread

Updog Scully
Apr 20, 2021

This post is accompanied by all the requisite visual and audio effects.

:blastback::woomy::blaster:

poisonpill posted:

Close thread

Jim keeps the thread open, despite Dwight's protestations! :dumbbravo:

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim resolves not to close the thread until SA starts doing Comedy Goldmines again, otherwise what's the point?

Jim's skeleton mugs the camera.

Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


Dwight's favorite thread on his gay dying internet forums is posted to the Comedy Corkboard, but the entire forum collapses and is forever lost to the mists of the internet.

Jim mugs to the camera and logs off from his admin account.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight spends hours crafting a long, soulful, and in depth review of the transformers movies, trying to explain how they have hidden meaning and speak to the alienation of the modern age, but Jim makes the first reply: “lol if u think im reading all of that”

Defiance Industries
Jul 22, 2010

A five-star manufacturer


While Dwight is asleep in his bed, Jim smashes clean through the door, turning the century-old wood Pater Schrute used to make the door with his own two hands into a pile of scrap, and starts beating the absolute poo poo out of Jim with a sock full of oranges. Jim begins with a couple blows to Dwight's head to disorient him and make it harder to fight back, and then proceeds to savagely beat the rest of Dwight's body. Dwight gradually loses consciousness.

Dwight wakes up the next morning in fear, expecting Jim to still be there. Instead, everything is exactly how he'd left it. His front door is even intact. There are no bruises anywhere on his body to indicate the attack. Then, on his breakfast table, he sees a pitcher of orange juice, and a note. It reads:

"Thanks for your help squeezing these! Jim."

Rascar Capac
Aug 31, 2016

Surprisingly nice, for an evil Inca mummy.
On Monday morning, Jim starts calling Dwight "Balloon Boy". It isn't clear why, but he keeps it up all week.

On Friday afternoon, just as everyone is preparing to go home, the office door suddenly opens and Dwight is booted really hard in the balls by Ballon d'Or winner Lionel Messi.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


At the Office casino night, Dwight suddenly hits a winning streak for the first time in his life. He starts cleaning up at the poker games, and, despite planning on donating all of his winnings to charity, gets caught up in the thrill of victory. Finally, it’s only him left with a stake against Jim.

“Just you and me, as it was always meant to be,” says Jim steadily, “It was inevitable that our conflict would lead to this.”
Dwight ignores the prattle and bets his whole pot. Jim doesn’t have enough to cover the bet, but he thinks he can win. He offers his car keys, his wedding ring, even a night with Pam (“Hey!” she is heard exclaiming from somewhere) but Dwight turns these all down. Finally, Jim wagers the one thing he holds most precious, his pranks. If Dwight wins, Jim will never prank him again. But if Jim wins, Dwight agrees to be locked in an endless eternal loop of being pranked.

The cards are drawn. The crowd is silent as Jim reveals his cards, an ace-high straight. He smirks and mugs the camera. But Dwight slow rolls another straight, a lower one. Two, three, four, five. Jim is absolutely humming and radiating smugness. But he realizes as Dwight flips the final card that Dwight doesn’t have a straight. He has a flush. They’re all hearts. Dwight wins. The pranks must stop.

Jim is crestfallen. He turns left and right, looking for help, or an explanation. How could he have been so foolish?! He lost. Jim lost. Dwight offers his hand to shake in a show of good sportsmanship but Jim bats it away and starts to shriek. He starts hissing, and steam pours from his eyes and mouth. The water escapes Jim’s body leaving a dried husk of leather and clothes crumpled on the floor. But the steam lingers, starts to smell. It seeks out Dwight, and the noxious odor chokes everyone. They scream, Toby falls to the floor, choking to death. Dwight barely makes it out of the warehouse alive.

The next day, Dwight is shocked when he enters the office and sees Jim leering at him. He stops short, speechless. “What’s the matter, Dwight?” Jin smirks. “You look a little…. flushed.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Just as Dwight is about to bite into his lunchtime sandwich, Jim asks, "Hey, Dwight, have you ever tasted a cat turd?"

"No, that's disgusting," said Dwight. He takes a bit of his sandwich and his expression immediately changes to one of horror and disgust.

"You have now," says Jim. "Merry Christmas, you stupid dipshit."

Jim mugs the camera as Dwight rushes to the bathroom to induce vomiting.

It's May.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim injects Dwight with feline AIDS. It turns out Dwight is unaffected, but still has to endure a very awkward conversation with his doctor about how he possibly could have contracted feline AIDS.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

"Hey Dwight, can I get you anything from Arby's for lunch?"

Dwight is at first shocked by Jim's kindness, but then touched. He asks Jim if he could get him a Jamocha Shake, then goes back to work.

Hours pass and Jim hasn't returned. Then, Pam gets a terrible call. It was raining and Jim's car slid off the road on the way back from Arby's. He crashed into a tree and the steering column embedded itself in his chest. He was alive for nearly 30 minutes before he passed, and he kept saying "I need to get Dwight his milkshake." He said that's why he was speeding, to get Dwight the shake.

Pam is crushed and ends up quitting Dunder Mifflin shortly after the funeral, saying that she can't bear to be in the same office with Dwight. Dwight also goes through an extremely dark patch as well, blaming himself for Jim's death and breaking down completely when he sees an Arby's commercial on TV.

On the year anniversary of Jim's death, Dwight leaves a bundle of roses on Jim's grave and apologizes for any part he had in Jim's death. As he's leaving the cemetery he sees Pam, dressed all in black, and waves at her. She ignores him and heads to Jim's grave alone.

That evening, Dwight is watching TV when he hears about a murder at the same cemetery he was at earlier. Pam Halpert was strangled by the grave of her husband and, more disturbingly, the grave was dug up. Jim's body is currently missing. Dwight feels a chill go through his body, realizing that he had seen Pam shortly before her death. And who the hell would have done this? Is the Scranton Strangler back? Is there another copycat?

Dwight's questions are answered shortly after this as his doorbell rings. He walks to the door and asks who it is and is met by a gravelly, wet voice. Dwight smells something, too, and it reminds him of the time he found Angela's dead cat, Sprinkles.

"I've got your Jamocha Shake, buddy."

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

jim fills his hand with mustard and slaps dwight on the back to congratulate him

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim is asked to be acting manager for a day while Michael deals with his sick grandmother.

Jim agrees and buys lunch for everyone except Dwight.

"Oops, looks like I forgot about you, you moon-faced gently caress. Oh well, maybe there's some garbage in the garbage can for you."

Instead, everyone in the office (except for Jim, who's eating three steaks for lunch) donates a little bit of their lunch to Dwight, creating a mini-smorgasboard of delights. Dwight thanks everyone and says he plans to buy everyone lunch next week.

When the day ends, Jim asks the camera crew to stick around. He leads them to the garbage can, revealing that he had placed a rotisserie chicken, roasted potatoes, and grilled carrots inside.

"Joke's on Dwight, he didn't even eat this delicious food I bought him. What a moron!" Jim laughs and mugs for the camera as the camera crew texts the documentary director "I think we have enough Jim footage now" for the 5th time this week.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight's new card game "Beet Master" is a huge hit with the Dunder Mifflin office, with multiple organized games happening every week. Michael suggest that Dwight mass produce the game using Dunder Mifflin's already existing paper production facilities, and soon Dwight is selling millions of cards a month to fans across the world.

The fervor for the game reaches new heights when Dwight announces the creation of 4 "Hyper Rare" cards which, when played in the same game, all but guarantee victory. These cards are also tributes to his closest friends at the office.

Sir Michael The Scotsman. This card doubles your defense points for the entire game.
Oscar the Master Mage. This card reduces all magical damage to 0 for 3 turns.
Angela, Queen of the Felines. All feline creatures fall under your control and deal 3x normal damage.
Pamela, the Imprisoned Artist. All characters gain +1,000 offense points and +5,000 defense points.

A jealous Jim asks Dwight why there's no Jim card, and Dwight explains that there already is, revealing his "Halpert the Jester" card, which was one of the first cards printed.

Jim falls into a mad rage, arguing that his card should be "the best card" and that it's not fair "crummy Pam gets such a good card". Dwight says that his game is constantly evolving based on player feedback and that the Halpert card might be tweaked in the future.

Jim then sets fire to an orphanage and says that Beet Master made him do it. The religious right rallies behind Jim and works to get Beet Master banned, citing cards such as "Holly's Perfect Yoga Pose" and "Kevin's Chili Bowl" as promoting "Satanic activity".

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim goes to Roy's home and beats the poo poo out of him with a tire iron, breaking a couple of ribs and one of his knees.

Roy looks up and asks "Why? You have Pam! I moved on years ago! Why are you doing this? I've done nothing to you!"

Jim pulls out his phone and calls 9/11. "Hello my name is Dwight Schrite and I just beat a man named Roy to death " He then leaves

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim buries Dwight up to his neck on the beaches of Lake Scranton. Dwight starts yelling for help and Jim laughs, then starts screaming himself.

"Scream all you want Dwight! I own this beach for miles, nobody's gonna hear you!"

Jim explains that he's buried Dwight here so that he'd drown when the tide comes in, but that he could theoretically survive if he could hold his breath long enough. Dwight stays calm as Jim leaves, quickly realizing that lakes have no tides, so he's totally fine.

Jim returns 8 hours later and is shocked to find Dwight totally fine, remarking that he must "have the lungs of a golden god or something". Jim frees Dwight and lets him go.

When Dwight gets home, he finds a giant wooden crate on his front porch. As he steps near it, Jim explodes out of the crate and attacks Dwight, tearing him apart with his teeth.

"Happy Halloween everybody! Creepshow's now available on Shudder, it's a really great film you should check out today!" Jim mugs for the camera.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Michael texts Dwight that Jim has quit.

Dwight goes to work the next day and Jim is there as usual.

"Michael says you quit".

Jim replies "That was a typo, he said 'I acquit'."

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim launches a satellite into orbit that emits a beam to turn all beets into lead.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight starts a cruelty-free pest control business, focusing on safely removing the target and placing them into a more suitable environment. Dwight quickly rises in popularity after removing several bats from the mayor's office. When interviewed on the local news, he gives Meredith a shout-out, jokingly saying that he's learned a lot since then.

Jim begins placing a series of prank calls to Dwight's business, costing Dwight time and (in some cases) forcing him to drive out to a job, only to find that they have no idea what he's talking about. Dwight finally invests in an "anti-Jim system", which allows him to screen calls and filter out phrases Jim overuses, such as "get your crap-rear end to my store", "my black friend", and "I promise this is not a prank".

The business continues to steadily grow with Jim successfully blocked from pranks.

After 6 months, though, Dwight finds that business has slowed down. He eventually asks one of his clients if there's a competitor and they admit that yes, they've been using another pest control company. Big Jimmy's 100% Humane Pest Removal. Dwight says that he appreciates the honesty and he hopes to win back their business one day.

Dwight investigates "Big Jimmy" and discovers that, of course, it's Jim. Dwight offers a job to Jim - removing 3 raccoons from his barn. Jim happily agrees and charges Dwight $4 for the whole thing. Dwight is shocked that Jim can charge so little for the job and asks if he can watch.

Jim begins by asking Dwight multiple times "Is that the barn?", despite there only being one barn on the property. Jim then walks into the barn and starts yelling "Hey raccoons! Get outta here!" while banging a broom on the floor. Finally, he begins tossing himself into the corners of the barn and emitting a high-pitched shriek, which eventually scares the raccoons out of the barn.

"Got em, Dwight. And you said I couldn't do it. How's it feel now?"

Dwight says that he never doubted Jim, but that he's not sure about his technique or about how much he charges for his jobs. Plus, he adds, the raccoons just ran off, they'll be back later.

Jim heads to the back of his van and pulls out a large metal box with a series of lights on it. He presses a button and the lights start flashing, then Dwight smells a burning smell.

"They're not gonna be back now, Dwight. Animals HATE this thing. Probably because of the radiation."

Dwight is shocked and asks Jim what the hell he's talking about.

"Jeez, you got poo poo in your ears or something? The radiation in this thing I found in the UFO. Oh by the way, you're gonna want to get yourself checked out for cancer. I know I got it. But yeah, animals kinda sense this I guess, they'll stay away."

Jim mugs for the camera as he and Dwight are hit with massive doses of radiation.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Dwight is watching a new conference where President Trump is meeting with Kim Jong-Il. President Kim removes his mask to reveal that he's actually Jim Kong-Il. Jim and Trump mug for Fox News.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim casts thousands of fraudulent votes for Trump. As a prank.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim kidnaps Dwight onto a pirate ship. He's wearing a mask but Dwight easily knows it is him.

Jim tells him "I am tired, so enjoy your night to ight because I will surely kill you in the morning."

Dwight is panicked and he spends the night doing work hoping if he shows usefulness he will be spared. When Jim wakes up the deck is spotless, the sails have had minor tears repaired, the steering wheel has been polished

Jim laughs and makes a list of chores for Dwight to do below decks. "If you love working so much do all of these, and enjoy it while you can, for I will surely kill you in the morning". Dwight does.

The next morning Jim says he is too hungry to kill anyone and orders Dwight to catch breakfast. After catching a sea bass and preparing it, Jim is satisfied. "Well now I'm too full to kill you, I shall have to wait until the morning."

This continues for months, until one day Jim pulls Dwight aside and takes off his mask. "Dwight, I have grown weary of this life and think I shall retire. I want you to put on this mask. You become Jim Halpert and take charge of this vessel." Dwight agrees. Jim is never seen again, but the dread pirate Jim lives forever.

Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


Dwight inserts a walkie talkie in a wooden mallard, and then gives it to Jim as a congratulations gift for getting the promotion to manager of the Scranton branch, hoping that he will catch Jim on something embarrassing. However, Jim's phone picks up interference from the radio waves from the walkie-talkie, and Jim quickly finds the device crudely taped to the bottom of the wooden mallard.

Jim becomes furious and beats Dwight to death with the mallard.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

On a snowy December night, Pam comes to Dwight's farm. She explains that Jim was hanging Christmas lights when he fell and broke his neck. She's terrified that the police will question her and that Jim's cop friends will wrongfully arrest her, and she knows Dwight is a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and can help sort this out. Dwight agrees and Pam drives him to the Halpert home.

Jim's lifeless body is still laying near the ladder, slowly being covered with snow. Thankfully it's pitch black outside, or else a passing motorist or neighbor would have easily seen Jim laying there. Dwight examines his body. Jim's lifeless eyes stare back at him and it almost looks as if he's smugly smiling. Dwight closes Jim's eyes and examines the neck, which is obviously broken. He does a quick examination of the body and the crime scene and quickly comes to a conclusion. Jim was indeed hanging Christmas lights from the gutter of the Halpert House. The snow made the ladder slick and Jim appears to have been hanging the lights in a bizarre pattern that forced him to constantly move up and down the ladder to get the right height. Jim slipped and fell, breaking his neck on impact.

Dwight explains this to Pam and says that Jim's history of bizarre medical injuries (nail in forehead from building a treehouse, Super Mario amiibo in rectum, broken ribs from riding an inflatable tube down Dunder Mifflin's steps) show that he had little regard for his own safety. Dwight offers to accompany Pam inside while she calls the authorities and explains what happened. While Dwight warms up by the fireplace he sees movement outside the window and hears the distinct sound of boots crunching in snow. He rushes out while Pam completes the call and is shocked to see Jim's body is missing.

Dwight follows the footsteps nearby to the Halpert's garden shed, where the door is now ajar. Dwight cautiously enters the pitch black shed, where he hears something repetitively thudding against a wall.

"Hello? I'm turning on my Tac Light flashlight, the only flashlight you can freeze in a block of ice and smash with a hammer and it still works. I also have pepper spray if you're an assailant."

Dwight turns on his flashlight and illuminates Jim, standing in the corner and slowly banging his head against the wall. His head is hanging listlessly to the side and his skin shows the obvious signs of frostbite. But still, Jim is somehow alive. Dwight runs to him and grabs him, hoping to try and warm him up. Dwight tells Jim not to worry, Pam's already called 911 and they'll be here soon.

Dwight leads the confused and dying Jim into the house and begins to yell for Pam. As he starts covering Jim in blankets he sees Pam standing in the kitchen, brandishing a butcher knife. Pam explains that, although she didn't push Jim off the ladder, she was happy when it happened. Overjoyed in fact. So overjoyed that she was worried that would be obvious to the police when she called. But now that Jim survived, they've come to an impasse.

Pam asks Dwight how he really feels about Jim and about the pranks, and Dwight admits that they do occasionally get a little cruel.

Pam gives Dwight his options. They can both sit here and eat a slice of cake while Jim slowly passes away, then call the authorities and explain that he fell off the roof. Dwight can try and stop Pam. Or Dwight can just leave and forget this ever happened.

Dwight sits in silence for a while. Jim is still, miraculously, alive but has started foaming at the mouth and twitching. Dwight looks again at Pam, holding the knife that could just as easily slice into a piece of cake as it could Dwight's neck. And finally, he thinks about what would happen if he just left and never told a soul about this night.

"Pam, what kind of cake is it?"

Pam and Dwight smile, smugly, at each other as Jim falls to the floor and starts convulsing.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


One day the office has a bat flying around. Dwight tries to hit it with a tennis racket, and traps it on Meredith’s head with a trash can. They capture the bat and Meredith is taken to the hospital. Jim is tasked with disposing of the bat. Instead, he smirks at Dwight and takes a huge bite and to the horror and disgust of his coworkers, eats the entire thing.

“We’ll, see ya!” He says as he mugs the camera, “I’m off on my vacation to Wuhan!”

Knuckle Sammich
May 4, 2009
A new Caribbean restaurant recently opened up down the street and after reading a rave review of it Jim announces he's treating the office to lunch. He notes down everyone's order and leaves to pick up the food. 30 minutes later he returns with several bags with the most delicious smells emanating from them. He hands out the containers of curry goat, oxtail, stew chicken, and beef patties.

Everyone gets their order and tucks into it, except for Dwight.

"What the hell, Jim, did you forget to place my order for jerk chicken?"

Around a mouthful of rice and peas Jim says "I kept asking for an order of "Dwight chicken" but they had no idea what I was talking about. Your fault for making stuff up."

Dwight sighed and pulled an energy bar from the stash in his desk he kept for lunchtime pranks, noting he was going to need to pick a new box soon.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dunder Mifflin is considering unionizing due to stagnant wages and increasing job responsibilities, but corporate secretly reaches out to Jim and asks him to sabotage the discussions. Jim says he understands exactly what they mean, and proceeds to attack multiple employees with a sack of oranges while wearing a mask.

Union talks break down over fear of retribution and the staff at Scranton is once again told there will be no raises this year and that health insurance costs are going up.

Jim stands up at his desk and laughs while eating an orange.

When Dwight mentions that this hurts Jim and Pam as well, Jim says "No, not since they paid me a bunch of money to smash you with oranges." and mugs for the camera.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim gets surgery to give himself longer legs and shows up at work with spindly, malformed legs that extend almost 10 feet.

"Hey Dwight, my eyes are up here, buddy."

Jim tries to seductively cross his giant legs but something pops and one of his legs goes limp. A series of cracking noises echo from the other leg and Jim's pantleg starts to be soaked with blood.

Dwight tries to dial 911 but Jim has already hidden his cell phone in the women's bathroom.

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD
Jim becomes manager and he runs the Scranton branch into the ground. His Dwight Pranks budget dwarfs Michael's party budget, accounting for over 40% of the branches expenses. After the entire office is laid off he tells them they can all stay at Dwight's house for as long as they need to get back on their feet.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim takes an entire weekend to re-wire Dunder Mifflin's office so that Dwight receives a mild electrical shock when he sits in his chair.

However, Jim is no electrician, and Dwight suffers a heart attack from the shock. Everyone starts screaming and asking what the hell Jim did. Pam tries to pick up the phone to dial 911, but she also suffers a massive shock.

Kevin pulls the fire alarm, but sparks start shooting from the sprinklers, burning everyone they touch. Creed opens a drawer and is blown across the office by the force of the electric shock that rockets through his body. Someone finally reaches 911 on their cell phone, but nobody can enter the building safely as they keep receiving massive shocks when they touch the front door. A bunch of live wires fall off the roof and start bouncing around the parking lot, sparking fires and injuring emergency rescue crews.

Jim covers his ears and starts screaming, desperately trying to cover up the screams of everyone else and the wail of the fire alarm. Pam begs him to fix whatever he broke, but Jim just starts screeching at her. Half the office is on fire now and Toby is laying on the floor, not moving, after an arc of electricity shot from his keyboard.

Stanley yells out "Oh my God not again" and falls to the ground, clutching his heart. With that, Jim stops screaming, unplugs a wire from under his desk, and smiles.

"Okay, front door is good! Follow me!" Jim skips out the front door.

The rest of the office drags their fallen comrades out as a team and finally make it to the parking lot. Creed could not be recovered.

Jim is already sitting in the ambulance, wrapped in a blanket, and eating a bowl of ice cream. He waves at everyone as if he doesn't have a care in the world.

When Dwight wakes up in the hospital 3 days later he sees Jim sitting outside the window, tapping a finger. Jim breathes on the window and writes in the condensation with his finger.

GET IT? BECAUSE OF WHEN YOU DID THAT WITH THE FIRE AND STANLEY'S HEART

Jim leaps off the balcony and splatters in the hospital parking lot.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

"Yeah, you're welcome to come in." says Jim to Molfungo, the 1000-year old vampire as he steps across the threshold into Dunder Mifflin's Office. "What are ya gonna do, suck Dwight's dick or something?"

Jim mugs for the camera as the vampire begins feasting on the blood of the Dunder Mifflin employees.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


As the camera crew captures flashes of the Event Horizon hellscape of tortures on the Office workers, Jim looks directly at the camera and begins speaking Latin.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim starts saying "You really Dwighted that" every time Dwight makes a minor mistake, or sometimes when he does an action normal, greatly eroding his confidence.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim pees in a ballon and throws the pee balloon at Dwight.

“Nice catch, balloon boy!” jeers Jim at a pee-soaked Dwight.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim traps Dwight inside Donkey Kong. He's spent weeks building a life-size Donkey Kong level. Dwight wakes up at the bottom. His neck is sore. Jim's voice crackles over a hidden loudspeaker.

"Sorry about the soreness, buddy," says Jim. "That's from the bomb I surgically implanted in your neck, If you try to escape... BOOM! heh heh! Now let's play a little game..."

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim sings a song about himself to Dwight


I'm here and I will be here to stay.

JIMBY

Let's all see what magical games I can play

JIMBY

I can change into anything. With my pals, Oscar, Kevin and you.

I will walk through the wall of you want me to.


"is this the theme song from Gumby?" Dwight asks.

"No you dumb piece of poo poo!" Jim shouts, and he turns into a ball and rolls away

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poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


On Dwight's birthday, the office throw him a little party. The party planning committee brings in a sheet cake that has "Dwight: It is your birthday." written on it in black, no-nonsense letters. But they also bring in a smaller cake for Jim, because "He doesn't understand why you get a cake and he doesn't," and "The last time someone else had a party, he just sulked and cried all day."

But the cake for Jim doesn't work. When he sees the two cakes side by side, he whines about his cake being smaller, and between sobbing fits explains that he wanted Paw Patrol on his cake, not Spiderman (he "liked Spiderman last year, and nobody likes Spiderman anymore"). Although Pam tries to calm him down, Jim runs over and slams his palm into Dwight's cake, ruining it and causing everyone else to stand around awkwardly while Pam explains that Jim "just gets carried away sometimes," and "this is just Jim learning how to get along with Dwight."

Finally, after a few excruciating minutes where everyone feels second-hand embarrassment for Jim, Dwight decides to just ignore the cake debacle and open the little present he was given. Opening the wrapping paper, Dwight is confounded to discover a mug with Jim's smirking face on it. The camera pans and zooms past Dwight to show Jim opening a present for him, which turns out to be the same mug. With childlike delight plainly written on his blank face, Jim lifts it up to show the camera.

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