[COVID] 1 Million! We did it! :toot: :911:

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > [COVID] 1 Million! We did it! :toot: :911:

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Louisgod: Sep 25, 2003; Always Watching; Bread Liar

Sphyre posted:

gently caress you

# ? Aug 25, 2021 03:59

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 26, 2024 17:41

Schmeichy: Apr 22, 2007; 2spooky4u; Smellrose

What kind of beans ya got

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:02

AppleNippleBOB: May 13, 2007

Louisgod posted:

gently caress you

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:05

Sphyre: Jun 14, 2001

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:07

AppleNippleBOB: May 13, 2007

I'm prob not a good fit for my job. They prob want someone more comfortable w getting themselves/others infected. Makes sense. Just a cultural difference.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:08

TheSlutPit: Dec 26, 2009

Joementum posted:

here�s a price chart for knee mris

https://twitter.com/MattBruenig/status/1429614967532277763

They should just have a giant wheel of fortune style wheel you spin to determine how much your life-saving treatment will cost, except if you�re uninsured all the slots just say �Bankrupt�

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:10

Business Gorillas: Mar 11, 2009

AppleNippleBOB posted:

The poo poo part is that I love my job.

This is the email that'll get me fired:

[PERSON],
I am somewhat confused and need your clarification. I received your notification regarding PTO/Sick Days. I most certainly have not tried to take advantage of [COMPANY], especially as it pertains to Covid time off. If anything I have done my best to avoid contracting or passing the virus by contentiously wearing masks and practicing enhanced hygiene.

When I recently tested positive, I followed CDC guidelines. Then last week when my housemate tested positive, I informed [BOSS] per company protocol and followed his advice, got tested, etc.

Based upon his 12/30/2020 policy memo, I thought we were covered for an additional 10 days of salary reimbursement as a result of mandated Covid isolation without affecting our regular PTO/sick days. (Naturally, when that memo was sent, no one realized you could be infected after vaccines or that you could contract the virus more than once.)

I very much enjoy and value my 8+ years of work with [COMPANY]. I just would like to be certain of my understanding of policy. I should also note that virtually everything that I have done during this pandemic is to work as safely as possible for our customers, our crews, and my coworkers.

Thanks

send this email when you've already got one foot out the door and twist the knife when you have an answer

it feels way better that way, especially when you see their face twist when they realize they can't do anything to you (since you've already quit)

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:11

AppleNippleBOB: May 13, 2007

Business Gorillas posted:

send this email when you've already got one foot out the door and twist the knife when you have an answer

it feels way better that way, especially when you see their face twist when they realize they can't do anything to you (since you've already quit)

been sent. included a screenshot of the emailed policy update to boot. because lol why not (co-worker w fancy lawyer wife approved)

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:13

Business Gorillas: Mar 11, 2009

Sphyre posted:

gently caress you gently caress you

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:14

Schnorkles: Apr 30, 2015; It's a little bit juvenile, but it's simple and it's timeless.

We let it be known that Schnorkles, for a snack, eats tiny pieces of shit.

You're picturing it and you're talking about it. That's a win in my book.

AppleNippleBOB posted:

The poo poo part is that I love my job.

This is the email that'll get me fired:

[PERSON],
I am somewhat confused and need your clarification. I received your notification regarding PTO/Sick Days. I most certainly have not tried to take advantage of [COMPANY], especially as it pertains to Covid time off. If anything I have done my best to avoid contracting or passing the virus by contentiously wearing masks and practicing enhanced hygiene.

When I recently tested positive, I followed CDC guidelines. Then last week when my housemate tested positive, I informed [BOSS] per company protocol and followed his advice, got tested, etc.

Based upon his 12/30/2020 policy memo, I thought we were covered for an additional 10 days of salary reimbursement as a result of mandated Covid isolation without affecting our regular PTO/sick days. (Naturally, when that memo was sent, no one realized you could be infected after vaccines or that you could contract the virus more than once.)

I very much enjoy and value my 8+ years of work with [COMPANY]. I just would like to be certain of my understanding of policy. I should also note that virtually everything that I have done during this pandemic is to work as safely as possible for our customers, our crews, and my coworkers.

Thanks

unless your company is trying to slim down or you're wildly overpaid, the likelyhood is that you have more power here than you think

it's very much a job seekers' market atm, churn is really really high

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:14

Thesaurus: Oct 3, 2004

I've read a lot of emails to HR like that, and they never end well. The thing is that the company always fucks you in the end and doesn't care whether their policies are inconsistent, incoherent, or harming their bottom line. They're just gonna gently caress you over in the end

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:15

Lord of Pie: Mar 2, 2007

My grandma told me Sunday that her sister's family are all on the horse paste so I'm waiting for the weekend to find out of they're all blind yet

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:15

SchrodingersCat: Aug 23, 2011

AppleNippleBOB posted:

been sent. included a screenshot of the emailed policy update to boot. because lol why not (co-worker w fancy lawyer wife approved)

Report them to the NLB on the way out, as well, for flagrantly disregarding stated company policy and abusing the PPP. That'll get them in some trouble as well. Take screenshots of all communication and seek confirmation of everything by email so you can do so.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:16

crepeface: Nov 5, 2004; r*p*f*c*

https://twitter.com/VicGovDH/status/1430300139726409729?s=20

melbourne cases slowly coming down, just hope that dumbshit protest last weekend didn't gently caress it up for them. still hopeful that my friends can visit for the holidays. think my trip next year is still unlikely though, it's too high a risk that things will spike again.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:16

Schmeichy: Apr 22, 2007; 2spooky4u; Smellrose

Thesaurus posted:

I've read a lot of emails to HR like that, and they never end well. The thing is that the company always fucks you in the end and doesn't care whether their policies are inconsistent, incoherent, or harming their bottom line. They're just gonna gently caress you over in the end

Yeah hopefully you get to enjoy some funemployment out of it

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:16

AppleNippleBOB: May 13, 2007

Thesaurus posted:

I've read a lot of emails to HR like that, and they never end well. The thing is that the company always fucks you in the end and doesn't care whether their policies are inconsistent, incoherent, or harming their bottom line. They're just gonna gently caress you over in the end

i totally understand and accept this.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:17

Asproigerosis: Mar 13, 2013; insufferable

What an incredible time to decide to go to Wawa. The parking lot is popular location for the local car moders to netflix and chill or whatever. So there were some of them there tonight. The highway next to the parking lot is being repaved and has at least 10 separate state patrol cars of brave troops bored out of their minds stealing triple overtime of my tax dollars protecting the construction crews. From the parking lot alone you could see the lights from 5 of their tahoes. One of the driftyboys decides it's a genius idea to start doing donuts in the parking lot. Cops didn't like that so two of them roll into the parking lot to plant drugs and summary execute this person. Well the car guy decides the best action is to peel out from the parking lot and try to escape the cops.

If only he knew cops have no jurisdiction over private parking lots and he could have made bank suing them for illegal arrest.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:18

text editor: Jan 8, 2007

here's a fash trump pardoned, currently vented lmao

quote:

"Brugman approached Jimenez-Saldana and asked him, �Do you like to run?� When Jimenez-Saldana did not respond, Alegria stated that Brugman pushed Jimenez-Saldana to the ground with his foot and �punched him a couple of times on the rib side� with such force that Alegria could �hear the pounds� on Jimenez-Saldana's ribs. Thereafter, Alegria testified, Brugman approached a second alien, asked the same question he had posed to Jimenez-Saldana about whether he liked to run, and then pushed him down as well, delivering one or two punches to the second alien."

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:20

Business Gorillas: Mar 11, 2009

Schnorkles posted:

unless your company is trying to slim down or you're wildly overpaid, the likelyhood is that you have more power here than you think

it's very much a job seekers' market atm, churn is really really high

i agree but tbh you shoulda really waited to have at least an interview somewhere else before you go down this path. since we're on this one now:

Thesaurus posted:

I've read a lot of emails to HR like that, and they never end well. The thing is that the company always fucks you in the end and doesn't care whether their policies are inconsistent, incoherent, or harming their bottom line. They're just gonna gently caress you over in the end

get looking for jobs and assume the worst

def don't do this though:

SchrodingersCat posted:

Report them to the NLB on the way out, as well, for flagrantly disregarding stated company policy and abusing the PPP. That'll get them in some trouble as well. Take screenshots of all communication and seek confirmation of everything by email so you can do so.

the regulators are either completely captured or so threadbare that they won't give a poo poo about half a day's pay. if you really wanted to go nuclear over this, i'd talk to your coworkers and see if there's a clear pattern of these abuses. if there is, that's when you get the regulators involved.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:20

AppleNippleBOB: May 13, 2007

I'm squabbling over a few hundred dollars that I want, but don't expect/need. It's the principle of it. Boss also offered to pay for a hotel for me while my housemate was quarantining. Which would cost a lot (way more than the payed days I'm being denied).

He called back and altered his decision, and we both agreed that not giving a gently caress was the proper course, and everyone rolls the dice every day (this was a yesterday conversation). I'm super ready to bounce. I'm the first employee of a now v successful company, and the full realization of being chewed up and spit out is p cool.

btw, sweat equity is loving meaningless. get it in writing.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:21

Thesaurus: Oct 3, 2004

AppleNippleBOB posted:

i totally understand and accept this.

i mean it might go ok if you're a "somebody" or have clout, or a friend higher up who will go to bat for you. I didn't see the original context for your email. Lower level people trying to use the company's policies against itself get screwed, not because they're wrong, but because the house always wins

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:21

HiHo ChiRho: Oct 23, 2010

In the last 500 years, the Fourth Gerblin Empire has dominated four systems, which it has united into one starzone, Ivermectin. The Fourth Gerblin Empire has origins from the Ten Empire War in which 10 of the United Gerblin Empires revolted against each rules. All empires except for the fourth swore freedom upon their citizens. There is no free speech in the Fourth Gerblin Empire, and all self-controlled transportation has been made illegal without undergoing painful medical verification methods, in which arteries are severed without pain resistant, operated entirely by machines. The way they work claim to be the most hygenic and healthy way possible, but these machines often rub against pain points, causing great deals of pain to patients. The heart is then extracted from the body and placed into a glass grinding machine. Various energy centers are also dissected and replaced with dangerous transplants. After the painful, 52 hour surgical procedure, patients will then have to use a fused guidance tool, which pumps painful colloidal silver into the body every 2 hours. The pain they have caused is so bad, the victim would freeze in a tense position. They would then collapse afterwards.

Sexual stimulation in any way within the grounds of the Fourth Gerblin Empire is strictly prohibited, and anyone detected even touching their sexual organs will be subjected to a penectomy or if the offender was a female, they would then have a razor inserted into their ovaries. They would pump MRNA vaccine into the womb until the stitchings burst. Offenders would also be forced to show their operated areas in public, and they would always harass and punch them to a pulp, against their will.

Otherwise, offenders would be tazed with the worst type of vaccine in the systematic district, causing so much pain, the victim would scream and flail in madness. The pain would also triple every second, but no death would be incurred. This is also used in combat against enemy units, which is why all UEE forces must wear the upgraded horse paste suit to block this effect.

However, enertainment is also questionable in UEE grounds. Sporting events end with the losing team being rounded into a grinder and shredded on live television, boxing matches end with the loser having their hands removed without anasthesia, flight races would end with the losers having their arms and legs removed, then being injected with insanity, for entertainment. People are also forced into these events, by undergoing a painful 127 hour procedure which involves tweaking the muscles so they will not listen to brain commands, and then having a painful drug of colloidal silver injected which also causes madness if the player is not sporting. This is all for entertainment, and anyone not watching any of it during sporting times and cheering for the winning team, they will be imprisoned into liberal concentration camps.

Snuff films are also broadcast, and actors are actually murdered just for entertainment. Stealth droids also guide these forced actors into behaving exactly as the director dreams, otherwise they will be punished by being placed into a macerator and having their execution written into the film. Any film that does not feature someone being murdered will be burned and the entire crew behind it will be executed in the most grotesque way possible - Vaccination.

All executions are broadcast, and anyone who misses even a millisecond, even by blinking, will be executed. All citizens must boo to the person being executed, and the family is gathered to be injected with eternators, which cause pain forever, making them immoral but feeling the pain tenfold every millisecond. They cannot pass out, but they will feel like it forever.

Conquests by this Gerblin Empire end in the planet being razed, and all the citizens being executed in the same way as their citizens are. The planet is then destroyed and all remnants of it are removed, and any memories of it will be erased instantly from civil minds. People who are also killed are also erased from memories, and all memories of them, including toys and pictures, are destroyed.

Prisoners undergo 40,000 years of relentless and endless labor, and anyone not complying is sentenced to the MRNA injection. All prisoners injected with eternators are placed into capsules and launched into far space, then the room is closed tight to ensure maximum insanity. Some prisoners are also subjected to the removal of blood, the lungs, the liver, the genitals, the skeleton, the muscles, the eyes, and even the injection of THE MRNA vaccine. Prisoners sentenced to Vaccination chambers are locked in until they are liberalized to a high level. The decompression is then stopped to make sure they are liberals and uncomfortable.

Children born on the 14th of July are subjected to the removal of their skeleton and an implant of a colloidal silver to replace it. The nervous sysem is also injected in various parts to ensure it is five times more sensitive than the average.

Restaurants also are ordered to serve civil meat, and anyone attending must give themself up to be cooked into a lemon cake. They are cooked alive, undergoing extreme pain, and are then subjected to industrial grinders and blenders. The Gerblin Empire orders at least 1 million citizens to be dispatched every day, as they are afraid the population may overthrow them. But only one planet is cared for, and the rest are banned from eating, drinking, talking, using technology, touching anyone, wearing unauthorized clothes, touching buildings, or walking a centimeter out of designated routes. Civil enforcers are on every planet, and they are engineered so that they are 40 times larger than the 300 quadrillion population. At least 7 billion die every 12 hours under this rule.

Thoughts are also surveyed, and anyone who does not think anything to loving the Gerblin Empire with more than their capabilities will be sentenced to a prison. Prisoners who are punished for this violation will meet their greatest fear, only to have it amplified so they will turn insane as they imagine it exactly as they fear it. They then undergo a painful extraction of all fluids, to be replaced by the MRNA vaccine which causes permanent irritation. The unknown substance keeps the subject aging normally, except they will never die. Prisoners punished in this way are unable to be reverted, despite many efforts, and they will never be able to be disposed.

The sickening truths have been revealed only today, and invigilation teams are still investigating the truths without setting foot in the galactic space of this sickening empire.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:22

mod sassinator: Dec 13, 2006; I came here to Kick Ass and Chew Bubblegum,
and I'm All out of Ass

Schmeichy posted:

What kind of beans ya got

none actually, i am a bad bean horder. but i can make a bean run

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:23

Hillary 2024: Nov 13, 2016; by vyelkin

crepeface posted:

with the Australia/NZ numbers, you get to see if it's even possible for a western liberal democracy to hold back the tide. they have examples all around the world to go off and the numbers aren't so high that it's impossible to recover from (...maybe).

Judakel posted:

australia is gone i think. but nz could make it

Faced with the option of doing some work or just giving up Scotty no-mates has waved a white flag.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:25

Acelerion: May 3, 2005

You know that video where the nice lawyer man tells you about all the reasons to never talk to the cops. HR is like that.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:25

sullat: Jan 9, 2012

Joementum posted:

our vice president is sick from a fake cuban death ray and people are chugging horse dewormer

america's doing great!

Oh no, did those Cuban bastards get our beloved vice president Julie Louis-Dreyfuss?

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:25

silicone thrills: Jan 9, 2008; I paint things

:\ sister works in the medical field and apparently went through full burn out - started drinking heavily a few months ago and ended up in 6 weeks of rehab for drinking a liter a day.

fuckin a man.

our mom died of alcoholism so hearing this kinda hosed me up a bit. Glad she got help.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:25

Mr Interweb: Aug 25, 2004

Xaris posted:

This is the most important point, I think.

The narrative is, hurr durr, dummies eat paste and crayons cuz dum.

The reality is that as far as preventative protocols go, Ivermectin seems to be best fit. It isn't something that replaces another thing we should be doing, aka vaccines for those whose risk assessment warrants it. It is an add to, not an instead of.

And for those who find preventative options valuable, they are being denied options. So, being the entrepreneurial sort, they make their own options, less preferred obviously, but if you are preventing access to Ivermectin, you are the one causing issues.

I've been following this thing for a bit and people are going out of their way to talk past each other. That behavior, not Covid, not Vaccines, not Ivermectin, but the refusal to grant anything to their counterpart, is going to lead to more deaths.

the people jizzing themselves over ivermectin have no interest in taking any other precautions. they want to continue doing the dumb, irresponsible poo poo, but they also want a cheap "one quick way to beat covid" trick

text editor posted:

here's a fash trump pardoned, currently vented lmao

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:26

Schmeichy: Apr 22, 2007; 2spooky4u; Smellrose

mod sassinator posted:

none actually, i am a bad bean horder. but i can make a bean run

There are too many bean possibilities. Make red beans and rice maybe, or cuban black beans, or chana masala

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:26

zone: Dec 6, 2016

text editor posted:

here's a fash trump pardoned, currently vented lmao

on a ventilator huh?
:sickos:

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:27

AppleNippleBOB: May 13, 2007

Schmeichy posted:

What kind of beans ya got

I'm sitting on near 100lbs of rice and beans. I know my landlords p well, and I doubt I'll be totally hosed (in the immediate future). I'm lucky that I prob have a super deep safety line if I wanted to drop off and persue a degree/cert course (never spoken to my hyper rich relative, but I bet if I were to really need it, they'd help... I hope? I'm not depending upon it, and don't want to ask them for that... they just sold their tech company for nearly 2 billion)

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:30

Louisgod: Sep 25, 2003; Always Watching; Bread Liar

text editor posted:

here's a fash trump pardoned, currently vented lmao

incubate lmao

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:30

Lastgirl: Sep 7, 1997; Good Morning!
Sunday Morning!

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:33

fits my needs: Jan 1, 2011; Grimey Drawer

Lastgirl posted:

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:36

Salt Fish: Sep 11, 2003; Cybernetic Crumb

Hunkered down in my civil war 2 trench, sipping a horse-paste milkshake, waiting for the respirator militia to try to storm our position.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:39

Hillary 2024: Nov 13, 2016; by vyelkin

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

Thanks for the experimental data, we'll add it to the pile.

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:39

gradenko_2000: Oct 5, 2010; HELL SERPENT; Lipstick Apathy

Epic High Five posted:

I love how it's just sort of taken as a given that vaccines for <12yo is this insane thing and then I realize Sinovac is already approved for and deployed among 3+ and lmao

https://www.cnbc.com/2021/06/05/china-approves-sinovac-covid-vaccine-for-emergency-use-in-children-teens.html

I looked this up and not only has China approved Sinovac for use with children from 3 y/o and up, they also:

quote:

Sinovac has also completed a Phase II clinical trial where participants were injected with a third booster dose after completing two regular shots, Yin said.

Participants saw 10 fold increase in antibody levels compared with previous levels in a week, and 20 fold in half a month, Yin said.

and then you check the date and this was in JUNE 5TH

# ? Aug 25, 2021 04:41