- Smasher Dynamo
- Oct 16, 2008
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Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."
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Super-League XXXI, Week 24: Antithesis
Pungry's Big Adventure, Part Twenty-Four posted:
ALPHA et al
C. Network! It's important for small firms to network! > Mock frankenfreak with puppets! > Flee! > Help TFLlama get to the bottom of this Riddle Joker nonsense! > Roll eyes at strange tropes in Japanese video games! > Interrogate DannoMack, using all available means! > TFLlama is right! We can go no farther! > Play video games instead of making this update longer! > Continue playing Tales of Arise! > A. Keep playing video games! > IGNORE ALL!
The foxes felt no loyalty to frankenfreak. There was no reason for them to get involved. After all, frankenfreak was essentially a monster. If some Marquis was going to execute him, the foxes had all the faith in the world that the legal process would ensure the right outcome, which, in this case, meant creating an outcome where frankenfreak would never bother the foxes again.
"You can't just ignore me!" frankenfreak said. "I thought you foxes believed in the rule of law."
The foxes did believe in the rule of law. But they also believed that frankenfreak deserved to be pecked to death by murderous crows and, as far as the foxes knew, that was the preferred method of execution in whatever jurisdiction frankenfreak had managed to get himself into trouble in.
"Fine." frankenfreak said, "I didn't want to bring this up, but there is something you should see." He handed a piece of paper to the foxes, who read it.
NOTICE posted:
IN THE HIGH COURT OF EVERMARK
ASSIZE OF FALL - LINTON
THE MARQUIS OF EVERMARK,
Plaintiff
v.
FRANKENFREAK,
Defendant
SUPPLEMENTAL APPEARANCE
NOW COMES habeasdorkus, of HABEASDORKUS LAW OFFICES, P.C., who hereby enters his supplemental appearance on behalf of Plaintiff, the Marquis of Evermark.
Dated this 24th Week of Super-League XXXI
/s/habeasdorkus
The foxes glared at the paper. It should not have surprised them that habeasdorkus would get involved in this matter. After all, for habeasdorkus to remain in the Super-League, he needed to kill as many other owners as possible to make his own lackluster team seem worthy. frankenfreak, for all of his many faults, was probably more deserving of remaining in the Super-League than habeasdorkus.
The foxes had no choice, they could not ignore this matter, no matter how much they wanted to, as that would be to allow habeasdorkus' villainy to prevail, and as corrupt as the league had become, the foxes could not let it slide any further. No, the foxes would have to intervene, and save habeasdorkus from certain destruction, no matter how terrible the thought of doing so was.
Of course, it wasn't quite that simple. It never was. The foxes were licensed to practice law in the Super-League, not in the Marquisiate of Evermark. If the foxes wanted to represent frankenfreak in that court, they had two real options, each deadlier than the last.
They could apply to the court to be admitted pro hac vice, that was, to be admitted temporarily for the limited purpose of representing frankenfreak in this particular case. The problem with that approach, however, is that each jurisdiction was entitled to come up with its own ground rules for pro hac vice admission, and it was possible, even probable, that in Evermark, the judge reviewing the application was entitled to use their discretion in determining whether or not to grant that admission. If the justice system of Evermark were truly rigged against frankenfreak, which the foxes believed was the case, though they had little proof, it would not be impossible to foresee how the foxes' application could be denied, and all of their efforts would be for naught.
On the other hand, there was the longer path that did guarantee admission. If the foxes could pass the Evermarkian Bar Examination, the judge's hands would be tied. It would be a gross abuse to refuse to allow a defendant their choice of counsel, and the foxes were skeptical that any judge would go quite that far, if for no other reason than it would make clear their bias. What the foxes didn't know, however, was whether or not they could pass the Evermarkian Bar Exam, especially since, from what the foxes could tell, Evermark existed in some sort of fantasy realm with laws that were likely far removed from the foxes' experience. And the foxes were not going to pay for BarBri again. It just was not happening. If they had to choose between BarBri and the painful death of frankenfreak, then frankenfreak would just have to suck it up and die.
What will the foxes do?
A. Apply for Pro Hac Vice admission!
B. Study for the Evermarkian Bar Exam
XI
SEASON END NOW! END END END!
PI
C. Turn the radio on his nightstand to 86.7 KKIX: The Thunder > Buy a new radio! A better radio! > Attempt to listen to the HulkaChannel! > McFreeze has been dead for five year! > WAIT! There is a logical inconsistency here! > Buy a glove to cover his metal hand! > ALL OF THE COLORS! > Play video games! > Zero Time Dilemma! > Push both buttons! > NO! > Pungry will simply choose to no longer need an atmosphere to live! > A scrivener! > Go to the knife-boxing fight! > Respect the sanctity of knife-boxing! > Encourage Storg to believe in himself! > Feel very sad about getting Storg killed and accomplishing nothing. > Allow Storg's body to be reclaimed by nature! > Use his smarts to make frankenfreak love the Pi timeline, and thus make the Marquis not want to kill frankenfreak!
"Hooooooooooooooold on!" Pungry said. "Now, I'm not a super-big fan of frankenfreak. He's evil, and German-"
"Redundant reasoning." The Marquis said.
"Hey, now, not all Germans are evil! Look at the Super-League! We have frankenfreak, and TheMcD and...." Pungry realized he was not standing on solid ground. "FairGame is German. And everyone likes him!"
"I don't know who this 'FairGame' is," The Marquis said, "But perhaps-"
"Stop right there, my lord!" habeasdorkus appeared, "This man is trying to deceive you!"
"Oh, good, it's habeasdorkus. We're all just so excited to see him." Pungry said, barely able to restrain the urge to jump off a cliff. "Why are you here?"
"I heard my half-brother STORG had died in an unfortunate accident." habeasdorkus said.
Pungry looked to Okie, "Yes. An accident. To which no liability attaches." Okie said. "No liability at all."
"FairGame is American! But he is from St. Louis, so not the best part of America." habeasdorkus said.
"Why not." The Marquis said, neither knowing nor caring about St. Louis. "In any event, we're a bit busy, we have Storg's funeral to prepare for as well as frankenfreak's execution."
"Right!" habeasdorkus said. "And I am all in on both of those issues. frankenfreak is a wily opponent, and you'll need good legal counsel on your side if you're going to have his execution go off without a hitch."
"I don't see how, it's not like the rule of law is an issue." The Marquis said, "It's not really a democracy."
"But he could appeal." habeasdorkus said. "Isn't there someone he could appeal to?"
"He can't appeal to the church." Okie said. "The Marquis stole all their stuff. Plus, they apparently eat orphans."
"No, no, no." Stan said, "You're remembering it wrong. They take orphans and then make an immortality potion from the remains of the orphans."
"Isn't that just eating them?" Okie asked.
"If you're drinking whiskey, would you say that you're drinking barley?" Stan asked.
"Either way, he can't appeal to the church." The Marquis said, "And I really doubt that an appeal to the Emperor is going to work."
"But what if it did?" habeasdorkus asked. "I hear he has not one, not two, but three fennec foxes at his disposal. Each more cunning than the last. He won't just lie down and let you behead him."
"We had a much more exciting way of killing him that just beheading him!" Okie said.
"My point is that you need my help to make sure that frankenfreak goes down once and for all." habeasdorkus said.
"One moment." The Marquis said, before calling his courtiers together to discuss the proposal. "Obviously, this man is evil and cannot be trusted. But as long as we recognize that, I don't suppose there's any harm in letting him help us execute frankenfreak."
"Why does he want to kill frankenfreak?" Mazus asked.
"That's hardly our concern." The Marquis said.
"Well, now, hold on." Okie said. "He could secretly be working with frankenfreak, and is looking to sabotage us from the inside."
"How would he sabotage us?" The Marquis pressed for more details.
Okie thought, "I'm not sure. But he is claiming to be Storg's brother. Let's be honest, everyone in that family is a little suspect."
"I can't argue that point." Stan said. "But they do tend to be mostly on the level. Even if the 'level' is not really all that close to reality. None of them have ever tried to deceive us. Although, to be fair, we have no real proof that this guy actually is related to Storg. It's not like he's produced a birth certificate or anything. Although, if we did, we'd still be out of luck, because Storg doesn't have a birth certificate either. All the documentation we have for him is a contemporary letter from a local magistrate bemoaning that a great calamity befell his land, and that this terror's name was Storg."
"I guess the thing is," Okie thought it through, that this guy seems evil, and he's offering to help us get a guy executed on flimsy grounds-"
"They are not flimsy grounds. He said that my timeline bored him! Or something to that effect! It's an insult I will not bear!" The Marquis interrupted.
"Right, right, right. Anyway, the point is, do we really believe that someone as transparently evil as habeasdorkus would do something that would prevent us from killing a guy?" Okie asked. "It seems to me that, whatever his plans are, that he really does want to help us accomplish our goal."
The huddle dispersed. "We accept your help." The Marquis said.
"Outstanding." habeasdorkus said. "And now the time has come to put frankenfreak on the road to oblivion. Oh, what fools these men are, to help me vanquish my foes, not knowing that, ultimately, my desire to help them stems from my own desire to evade my own promised end. Yes, the day will come, in time, when my existence in the Super-League becomes more than a bare struggle for survival, but evolves into a glorious march through the halls of glory there to meet, at the end, the damnable Macho Men, for it will be I who finally plucks the crown from the head of the eternal wardens of the Super-League and thus transcends the concept of the league itself. I, and I alone, shall be the one who solves this league and whose name is forever writ upon the heavens as the champion of champions, so that future generations look upon my works and despair, for I will not be an Ozymandias, whose works lie in a ruined in heap in antique lands, my triumph shall be never-ending, so that when the stars themselves burn out of the sky, and naught is left of this cosmos but dust and exhaustion, that even then, in that dark and dismal age that stretches out for eternity, even then, when coldness and darkness pervades and nothing else remains, even then shall my final victory be known and admired. When the last being in the universe has the very last thought before passing into eternity, that thought will surely be of how glorious the time of habeasdorkus was and how woeful it was to not live in that age. Everything from the origin of this universe on will lead to that moment, when I reach the pinnacle of the Super-League, and everything from then on shall be a mere denouement. All glory shall be in my name, and my name alone!"
habeasdorkus noticed everyone staring at him. "That was practice. I was practicing my oratory for the trial." He said.
What will Pungry do?
A. Help the foxes get frankenfreak off the hook!
B. Wasn't the manifest Super-League supposed to be planning to kill everyone? Shouldn't Pungry do something about that?
C. Do something wacky and unproductive!
RHO
B. Acquire a pet kitten > Attempt to defuse tensions with an emotional dance > Dance a dance of grief > Prove them all wrong with the GREATEST DANCE! > Let's try dancing just one more time! To be sure! > Clearly, the problem is your shoes. Acquire better shoes! > Stop for lunch! > Smasher Dynamo, do you take me for a fool? Do you think I do not understand the game we are playing? You know drat well what the answer is. You know drat well what the answer has always been! Pungry will get gyros! > French fries! > Did you remember to order a drink? Order a drink! > DRINK THE VAULT! > Trust Imaginos! > No! > Don't trust habeasdorkus! > I WILL NEVER TRUST HABEASDORKUS! HE IS THE LORD OF LIES! > HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY NO?! > ESCAPE!
C. Network! It's important for small firms to network! > Mock frankenfreak with puppets! > Flee! > Help TFLlama get to the bottom of this Riddle Joker nonsense! > Roll eyes at strange tropes in Japanese video games! > Try and restore DannoMack's sanity, to get this information! > Go to the Tim Horton's behind them! > Get coffee. It may not be a real Tim Horton's, but there must be coffee somewhere, right? > Continue searching for coffee! > Return to the real world (remember, they were in a sensory deprivation tank), and save the day! > ECTO COOLER!
"Ecto Cooler." Pungry said, before nodding confidently.
"I'm sorry, what?" TFLlama was confused.
"You know, Ecto Cooler!" Pungry pumped his fist.
"Okay, while I understand what Ecto Cooler is, I don't see how that is applicable to our current problems." TFLlama said.
"Name one problem that Ecto Cooler hasn't solved." Pungry asked, full of swagger.
"Climate change." TFLlama said, clearly unconvinced.
"If you spray enough Ecto Cooler into the atmosphere, it will act as an aerosol, reducing the amount of sunlight that hits the earth, and therefore reducing the temperature." Pungry said, as though that were obvious. "Most geoengineering projects are based on Ecto Cooler."
The foxes, once again, felt tired.
"Even assuming that, somehow, Ecto Cooler were the solution, there's a slight flaw in your plan. They stopped making Ecto Cooler." TFLlama said.
Pungry shook his head, he was truly disappointed in TFLlama, "So you're trying to blame this crisis on the fact that you think women aren't funny, is that it?"
"What? How?" TFLlama said.
"The reason that Ecto Cooler went off the shelves is because the last time that it was available, it was a product tie-in with the latest Ghostbusters movie, with the primarily female cast, which did poorly at the box office. And as you remember, so many people were out there, claiming that the reason it sucked was because it starred women." Pungry said. "I thought you were better than that."
"I'm not blaming women for-" TFLlama found himself on the backpedal, "The issue was not the cast, the issue was that it just wasn't a funny movie. Listen, I suppose that Melissa McCarthy can be funny in small doses, I don't know, I never watched that sitcom she was on. But Paul Feig and Ben Falcone clearly see something in her in terms of her viability as the lead actress in a comedy feature film that no one else is seeing, and no one has sat down with either of them and tried to explain that they're wrong. I don't know what they're doing. But it's not working, and either way, Ecto Cooler isn't available."
"If there were no god, it would be necessary to invent him." Pungry said. "Nietzsche said that."
"No, Voltaire said that." TFLlama said.
"They're basically the same guy. The point is, without Ecto Cooler in existence, we must make our own!" Pungry said. "The ingredients are easy enough to acquire. We will need the juice of orange, juice of tangerine, powder of lemonade, powder of Tang, sugar of cane, and water of water." Pungry said.
"Water of water?" TFLlama asked.
"I was trying to go for a theme." Pungry said, "But water is just water, so it kind of fell apart."
"Okay, fine, those ingredients are easy enough to get." TFLlama said, "At least I think it is, I haven't looked for Tang at the store for...ever, but I assume it's still available."
"If not, we could raid an astronaut's tomb." Pungry said.
"We're not doing that again." TFLlama said. "The last time we did that is the reason that we don't have an owner for the Killer Mikes anymore."
Pungry did recall the undead form of Gene Cernan choking the life out of tatankatonk. It was a ghastly sight, and one he would not like to repeat. "It's probably at the store."
Several hours later, and one detour to the Museum of Science and Industry to settle an argument between Pungry and TFLlama, the team had assembled the ingredients. "What are the right proportions we're supposed to be using?"
"I don't know." Pungry admitted. "There are a ton of recipes on the internet, and all use the same ingredients, but in different amounts. And the stakes are so high. If we fail, the Super-League will just be further convinced that it needs to destroy itself. Only Ecto Cooler can give its existence meaning."
"But what is the right recipe?"
WHAT IS THE CORRECT RECIPE FOR ECTO COOLER?
A. 3/4 Cup Tangerine Juice, 3/4 Cup Orange Juice/1 Tablespoon Lemonade Mix/2 Tablespoons Tang/10 to 14 Cups Water/1 1/2 Cups Sugar
B. 1 Cup Tangerine Juice/1 Cup Orange Juice/1 Tablespoon Lemonade Mix/2 Tablespoons Tang/2 Cups of Sugar/2 Cups of Water/Additional Water to fill a gallon jug
C. 1 1/2 Cup Tangerine Juice/1 1/2 Cup Orange Juice/1 Tablespoon Lemonade Mix/2 Tablespoons Tang/1 1/2 Cup Sugar/Water as needed
D. 3/4 Cup Tangerine Juice, 3/4 Cup Orange Juice/1/3 Scoop Lemonade Mix/2 Tablespoons Tang/1 1/2 Cup Sugar/Water as needed
E. Cups? Tablespoons? I'm sorry, have I fallen into medieval times? In this century, we use metric measures!
Games of the Week
Rollie Fingers has 22 decisions for the Generics. That's a hell of a thing for a reliever.
Not great, even if it doesn't materially alter anything. Although, as these teams are basically destined to face each other in the first round, it's not a great sign for the Machine Elves.
...the game ended when Alex Rodriguez, who was only playing because craigk traded the MACHINE, made an error?
I'm sorry, craigk, this game is to depressing for me to make a joke about. We're reaching Jude the Obscure levels of misery.
That's some bullpen usage by the Panderers right there. I'm not sure it did them any real good, but it's a hell of a thing.
Team Statistics
Standings
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Sep 22, 2021 00:17
