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Dwgiht builds a transister radio our of coconuts, but Jim just uses it to call in an airstrike on the island from a Japanese soldier that's been stationed there since WWII. Meredith is injured, but there is no hospital to take her to.
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Oct 2, 2021 18:25
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Jim purposely breaks his ankle just so he'll be a greater burden to the other castaways.
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Oct 2, 2021 18:28
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Pam is wounded in the boatwreck. Jim courageously offers her up as a sacrifice to help the rest of the group. When Dwight points out that they have plenty of food and medical supplies Jim says "I insist."
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Oct 2, 2021 18:30
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The castaways build a hot air balloon to escape from the island. Jim insists that because Dwight came up with the idea of the balloon, he should have the honor of boarding first. The moment Dwight is in the basket, Jim cuts loose the mooring lines before anyone else can climb in. "So long, balloon boy!" calls Jim.
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Oct 2, 2021 18:32
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Michael tears his suit to pieces to survive when it gets too hot, but when it gets cold, he wants to put his sleeves and pant legs back on. However, Jim has used all the material to build a crude Dwight effigy. When Michael tries to dismantle it, Jim growls at him until Michael flees into the jungle.
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Oct 2, 2021 19:10
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poisonpill posted:Michael tears his suit to pieces to survive when it gets too hot, but when it gets cold, he wants to put his sleeves and pant legs back on. However, Jim has used all the material to build a crude Dwight effigy. When Michael tries to dismantle it, Jim growls at him until Michael flees into the jungle. Jim lights the effigy on fire as the sun sets and the real Dwight starts screaming.
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Oct 2, 2021 19:12
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Jim convinces the Indigenous people of the island that he is their reincarnated volcano god, and long story short, they eat Dwight.
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Oct 2, 2021 19:26
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Mary Tyler Moore Jim has a heart attack and comes out of it a changed man. He is kind, thoughtful to his coworkers, and spends time each day appreciating life. He watches each sunset and hugs each of his office coworkers, even kissing Dwight as he tells them he appreciates them. This actually begins to rub off on the Scranton gang, and they begin thinking about life, appreciating each other, and telling each other about how special they are. They stand watching a beautiful sunset, until Jim saunters into the office, glances at the sunset, and says “Big deal!” He’s reverted to the classic Jim, and destroys the newfound peace of the office.
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Oct 3, 2021 00:06
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Jim gets canceled on the internet when his post "Careful if the Vax, friend Schruge has giant beet balls now". Dwight has many meme made of him by the name Beet Balls
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Oct 3, 2021 02:09
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In his best prank yet, Jim pranks Dwight by exploding out of Ryan's chest in larval form and skittering away into the warehouse. Eventually he reaches his adult form and begins stalking and killing the entire Dunder Mifflin staff. Andy is revealed to be an Android who was secretly working for corporate the whole time. The hint was his name. When Dwight makes it to the "escape pod" he heard from Michael was on the roof, he finds out that it's just a shopping cart with cardboard wings taped to it. As he turns around, he sees Jim mug for the biomechanical camera.
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Oct 4, 2021 08:17
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One of Dwight's dreams comes true as he is invited to host Saturday Night Live! Lorne Michaels reminds him that they can provide cue cards for him, but Dwight insists that he wants to learn the lines the real way so he can further appreciate the art of comedy and the high level of commitment and skill from the cast. Dwight's monologue goes incredibly well. Although most of the audience is unsure of who the beet farmer is at first, Dwight quickly wows them with his quick wit on current events and self-deprecating humor. His promise to "at least not rip up a picture of the Pope tonight" gets raucous applause and perfectly summarizes his humble approach to hosting. The rest of the episode is a hit as well, garnering NBC its highest ratings in nearly 2 decades. The crown jewel is a sketch entitled "Weird Office Pranks", which Dwight helped write himself. It includes some recreations of pranks Jim actually pulled on Dwight and is hailed as a brilliant piece of absurdist humor, with one prominent review calling it "the most bizarre, terrifying, and hilarious comedy sketch of all time". Dwight is quickly invited to join the SNL writing team and cast and he quickly jumps on the opportunity, saying that he only needs to put in his two week notice at work before moving to New York full time. Michael, in a rare moment of maturity, isn't jealous of Dwight at all but does ask if Dwight has any connections "to the MADtv crew", admitting that he preferred that comedy sketch show. The only member of the office who doesn't congratulate Dwight is Jim, who stopped showing up to work the Monday after Dwight appeared on SNL. Pam explains that Jim is "dealing with some stuff" and won't be back to Dunder Mifflin. Dwight's SNL run begins with a bang. The show is more popular than ever, and Dwight's fingerprint is all over the best sketches. Beet-lestar Galactica. Lazy Office Guy. Just a Day at the Karate Dojo. Chili con Carnage. Horny Office Ladies. That Guy Who Loves Improv. Mr. Boring. Floppy Haired Vampire. All of these sketches are hailed as the best in the show's history and all of them are inspired by Dwight's experiences at Dunder Mifflin. However, a dark cloud starts to form as Fox announces a new reboot of MADtv. Executive producer: James Halpert, a relatively unknown paper salesman from Scranton, PA. When asked where he got the money to bring back the show, Jim simply says he "dug up some graves", which the general public assumes to be his brand of dark humor. Dwight, however, knows exactly what is going on. The Saturday Night Wars commence, with both shows rocketing in viewership and hitting heights not seen since the heyday of Seinfeld and Friends. Dwight's SNL is hailed as the most solid 2 hours of comedy on TV, with a strong variety of performers and sketch types. Jim's MADtv, instead, relies on shock humor and crazy guests. Jim's most famous sketch "I hate Mondays" involves Joe Rogan and Elon Musk hitting a disturbing puppet of Garfield with a mallet, spraying fake cat guts all over the audience. Dwight's dream is crushed as Jim's MADtv (renamed to FARTtv) hires Michael Scott. Michael delivers a scathing monologue in which he rips into Dwight and SNL, arguing that it's unfunny and stupid and long ago ran its course. Jim then comes out, hugs Michael, and says "gently caress YOU DWIGHT" unbleeped on Fox. The joy of working in comedy is now gone for Dwight as his mentor and friend betrays him. Dwight leaves SNL at the end of the season, returning to Dunder Mifflin and refusing offers to star in movies and other TV shows. Jim's FARTtv quickly self-destructs in its second season as his ill-planned sketch "Two Naked Guys Carrying Furniture and TNT" ends tragically (but expectedly) and the lawsuits which come from it destroy the Fox network. SNL continues to limp along, but viewership and critical acclaim never again reaches the heights of the so-called "Dwight Era". Jim also returns to Dunder Mifflin in order to pay off his debts, including those to the family of Michael Scott. Dwight is now sullen and depressed, no longer finding joy in paper sales. Jim smiles smugly at him, having crushed the last of his dreams.
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Oct 4, 2021 16:28
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During a mandatory office game of Truth or Dare, Dwight confesses he's always dreamed about working at Saturday Night Live! After the meeting Jim takes him aside and tells him that his uncle is a producer on the show and that he can get Dwight a job as an intern. Even though Dwight assumes this is another prank, he agrees on the slim chance he could fulfill his lifelong dream. To Dwight's shock (and pleasant surprise) he receives a phonecall later that afternoon from SNL and is offered a spot as a new intern. Several weeks later he makes his tearful goodbyes (including to Angela, who told him she'd never move to New York as its full if sinners) and drives off to start his new life. When he arrives at NBC for his first day he's met by an older man (who looks remarkably like Jim) who shakes his hand and welcomes him to the team. After introductions, the producer tells Dwight they're ready to have him start right away. As they walk down towards the cast dressing rooms he starts talking. "I"ve heard a lot about you Dwight! My nephew told us how important this job is to you, how its your dream. And I have some great news. We normally have an intern per cast member, but based on your age and your experience, we're going to have you work with two of our cast members this year. I hope you're excited!" As the producer finishes he ushers Dwight towards an open dressing room. "Here you go buddy, meet your new bosses, Chevy Chase and Bill Murray!" Hundreds of miles away Jim turns and mugs at the camera.
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Oct 4, 2021 16:37
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During a mandatory office game of Truth or Dare, Dwight confesses he's always dreamed about working at Saturday Night Live! After the meeting Jim takes him aside and tells him to follow his dreams. "You only live once, buddy," says Jim, putting a hand on Dwight's shoulder, "You need to shoot for the stars. Everyone has a destiny." Dwight quits his job to become an intern at the NBC studios. Three weeks after joining, he is unexpectedly fired and given no explanation. Dwight can't regain his job at Dunder-Mifflin because Jim told Michael that he needs to stay firm on Dwight, because "If Dwight has no safety net, it means he's got no choice but to pursue his dreams all the harder." Dwight ends up taking odd jobs to make ends meet. Eventually, Dwight loses his family farm due to compounding debt and bad choices. All of it stems from Dwight's ill-planned attempt to "follow his dreams." Jim hears about this and replies. "I guess not everybody achieves their dreams. Maybe he should have just settled for his current life." Jim then chews some bubble gum and shrugs at the camera.
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Oct 4, 2021 17:45
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After seemingly saving a child from a shark attack, Jim is invited to host SNL. NBC is hoping the media buzz around the crazy event will help boost sagging ratings. Jim appears on stage for his monologue and quickly confesses that he was actually trying to kill that child, but that the shark saved the kid. Jim adds that maybe the shark should host SNL, adding "At least he'd be better than Dwight, am I right? I hate that guy." The audience begins nervously laughing and Jim soaks it in for a moment before continuing his routine. "Yeah, you guys know Dwight, huh? What a loser. Big fat balloon boy over there, eating beets and smelling like rotten dirt. I'd love to punch that jabroni in the nose." The laughter gets louder and louder and Jim starts violently mugging for the camera. "So did you hear this? Did you know about this? So the cops pulled Dwight over and guess what? Yeah, they found some illegal substances in his car. It was a bar of soap, cuz this loser never takes a shower." The crowd erupts into raucous laughter and Jim takes a theatrical bow while smiling smugly at the crowd. Back at Dunder Mifflin, the entire office is in awed silence at Jim's bizarre routine. Dwight simply stands up and walks out, saying that he's "seen enough for tonight". Michael dismisses the group and apologizes for wasting their time, agreeing to give everyone an extra day off for this. Back in New York, medical personnel are dispatched to 30 Rockefeller Plaza to handle a dangerous gas leak.
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Oct 4, 2021 19:41
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Jim is invited to host SNL, and at the end of the episode, he puts on a MAGA hat and says "There's so many times that I've talked to, like, a white person about this, and they say, "How could you like Dwight? He's racist!" Well, uh, if I was concerned about racism, I would've moved out of Scranton a long time ago." Jim is cut off in the process of tearing apart a picture of the pope, while smirking and mugging directly at the camera.
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Oct 4, 2021 20:06
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Dwight agrees to no longer perform any non-essential office duties until the IATSE strike is completing, saying that its no fair to produce documentary footage until all of the production crew is fairly paid for their work. Jim gleefully says that he can now "afford a buncha scabs" and shows up to work with a team of a dozen writers and nearly 50 other artisans, costume designers, carpenters and dozens of other jobs. Jim's pranks reach new levels of quality as the writing team proofreads and edits Jim's original ideas, forming them into much more coherent ideas. With a full production crew behind him, Jim is able to realize his dreams in ways he never imagined. Dwight, however, seems unbothered by the pranks themselves, instead telling Jim that he's bothered by his lack of commitment to organized labor. Jim mugs for the camera as he commands his cheap labor to build a giant wooden version of his face to hide in the bathroom and yell at Dwight while he urinates.
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Oct 4, 2021 20:28
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Dwight mentions his lifelong dream of hosting SNL to Jim. Jim tells Dwight that he has an uncle that works on the show, and if Dwight had an outline spec script of a sketch, he could pass it along to his uncle. Dwight excitedly takes the offer and gives Jim a manuscript consisting of a family encountering wild bears in the forest. The script is hilarious and educational; amid the pratfalls and slapstick, there are interesting bear facts sprinkled in. It's a very compelling script; leagues beyond anything SNL has put out in years. That night Jim calls Dwight and tells him the script was a huge hit in the writing room. In fact, against all odds, Bear Grylls is in town and would be willing to jump in during the sketch and play a park ranger; this would add the opportunity for bear/Bear jokes and would be a neat celebrity surprise. Dwight is doubly excited as he is a huge Bear Grylls fan. Jim tells Dwight he has the opportunity to go through the revise/final draft process for the script with the SNL cast and even be in it for a bit part (or perhaps as a guy in a bear suit), but he will need to be rushed to new York. It is Thursday and the window of opportunity is only for this weekend. Dwight hurriedly informs Michael that he will miss work on Friday. The next morning, an NBC limo pulls up to Schrute farms at 6AM and takes him to the airport, where an NBC jet is waiting. Dwight flies to New York, where another limo is waiting and takes him to SNL headquarters. Once he arrives, he proudly announces to the receptionist who he is, but she hasn't heard of him. Dwight tries to explain but over the course of an hour gets more and more exasperated, ranting about bears and a family hiking etc. Finally security walks him out of the building and he realizes he was tricked and is now stranded in new York city (about 2 hours travel time to scranton). Jim mugs to the camera and says "talk about not ready for prime time!" Meanwhile, Pam clutches the phone in her hand, eyes darting frantically. Trying to temper her voice, she shakily says, "No. No!....please, ma'am, please check again. Please." After a short pause she begins breathing in and out rapidly, eyes filling with tears, knuckles white as her fingers curl around the phone even tighter. "That can't be! Miss, that can't be! That account is where we put the gofundme money for my daughter's operation what do you mean it's empty??"
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Oct 4, 2021 21:05
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Jim keeps trying to get Dwight to go to “Temptation,” the local strip club, with a series of increasingly implausible cover stories. Dwight, busy working, barely pays attention and waves Jim away. Jim wasn’t sure exactly how the pranks was going to work itself out, but he knew he’d think of something now that Pam’s taken a second job there to help pay their mortgage.
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Oct 4, 2021 21:26
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Jim tricks Dwight into looking at a photo of a teleporting devil clown, causing the devil clown from the photo to appear behind Dwight and stab him with a kitchen knife.
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Oct 5, 2021 03:28
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Jim has been trying to trick Dwight into looking at a photo of a teleporting devil clown all day, but Dwight keeps evading Jim's attempts. "Dwight, have you seen this photo of my daughter? She's getting so big!" says Jim, thrusting his wallet in Dwight's face. Dwight abruptly shields his eyes and turns away from the photo. Jim later sends Dwight an email with the subject line "Subj: FWD: FWD: Leaked scenes from the next season of Battlestar Galactca!!!" with a .jpg attachment of a photo of a teleporting devil clown. Dwight deletes the email without opening the attachment. Jim tapes a photo of the teleporting devil clown to the inside of Dwight's favorite bathroom stall. Meredith sees the photo by accident and must be taken to the hospital after the clown appears in the stall and stabs her. Jim sees his chance when Dwight steps away from his desk to make some copies, leaving his computer unlocked. Jim hurriedly changes Dwight's desktop background to a photo of the teleporting devil clown (all photos of the teleporting devil clown are pixelated to the viewers so the clown will not appear and kill them). Dwight sits back down at his desk. He's wearing a pair of dark glasses. Too dark to see anything. Jim reaches out and snatches the glasses off Dwight's face. Jim is aghast. Dwight has gouged out his own eyes! "Well played, Dwight, well played," says Jim in confession cam. He puffs out his cheeks, torn between respect for his adversary and disappointment at being bested. Dwight mugs at nothing.
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Oct 5, 2021 03:37
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Jim and Dwight are against their toughest paper sale yet. As they stand to the side of the battlefield to recover for a moment, Jim points out that they won’t be able to make the sale as they are now, and says that Dwight knows what they need to do. Dwight scoffs, but deep down, he knows that Jim is right. There’s no way either of them will be able to sell to this client individually. Finally, Dwight agrees to perform the Fusion Dance with Jim. However, Jim messes up the dance on purpose, forcing them to become Fat Dwim for 30 minutes. Half of Fat Dwim mugs at the camera.
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Oct 5, 2021 05:14
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The Awesomesaurus posted:Jim and Dwight are against their toughest paper sale yet. As they stand to the side of the battlefield to recover for a moment, Jim points out that they won’t be able to make the sale as they are now, and says that Dwight knows what they need to do. Jim wears a pink shirt to the office that says BAD MAN on the back. Although not apparently a prank on the surface, Dwight is afraid to mention that he understands what that shirt is referring to, thinking that it might trigger some cruel prank. Several times throughout the day he's about to mention it to Jim, then thinks better of it and returns to work, silently. In a confessional, Jim admits that he wore the shirt in the hopes that Dwight and he would have something in common, since he knew Dwight was an anime fan based on the shirt he wore way back when they had the office vs warehouse basketball game. Jim sheds a single tear and vows to prank Dwight "even harder" tomorrow for ignoring his plea for conversation and friendship.
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Oct 5, 2021 12:36
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Jim traps Dwight's soul in a mirror then snorts coke off it.
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Oct 5, 2021 15:25
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A fancy new restaurant has opened in Scranton and it's the hottest ticket in town. Dwight finally is able to book a reservation for himself and Angela, much to Jim and Pam's chagrin. Pam starts crying and Jim says that they "deserve this" after "being the best couple". Pam starts smashing things in the office, complaining that her life is "completely unfair" before driving home to her healthy children at 2 pm after finishing the fake job that she gave herself and dictated the salary for. Jim is similarly annoyed at "the bullshit of life" and says that he's "thinking about just ending things after this slap in the face." Hours later, Angela and Dwight are waiting to be seated when Jim and Pam burst into the restaurant, both of them very obviously intoxicated. Pam reeks of alcohol and Jim has spraypaint coating the sides of his face. "Let us in! We gotta... we're the NUMBER ONE couple in Scranton!" Jim slurs out before collapsing to the ground, then awkwardly getting to his feet again. "Yeah did you know... did you know I do art? I'm art." says Pam, her eyes darting across the room. "Hi Art, I'm Jim!" Both of them burst into laughter and start sloppily making out in the restaurant before being escorted out by police. Jim runs full-speed into a car and knocks himself out while Pam sits on the sidewalk and starts crying while talking about her "amazing still-lifes". Dwight asks for a moment before being seated and goes to comfort the two of them. He says that they both obviously need help and are in some kind of dangerous co-dependent relationship. Pam looks sad, then asks Dwight if he'll "give us the seat, the restaurant seat". Dwight says that he'd love to but Jim is unconscious and Pam is far too drunk, causing Pam to lash out in anger and run off into the streets of Scranton. Dwight notes, sadly, that Pam is wearing the same dress she wore to Casino Night years ago. It's faded, stained, and torn in a few places. Jim, meanwhile, hasn't moved and is dressed in stained sweat pants and a shirt that says "THE LEGEND IS HERE". Dwight calls an ambulance for Jim and then returns to the restaurant, eager to enjoy his meal. At work on Monday Pam is still wearing sunglasses to help her hangover (the fateful meal happened on Saturday night) and Jim starts complaining that the hospital "made him diabetic". Dwight enjoys a leftover piece of cheesecake with his lunch and Jim weakly says "Oh, cheese in a cake? What are you, a mouse?" while letting out a tiny mug for the camera.
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Oct 5, 2021 16:33
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Jim strikes Dwight in the head with a barbell weight, knocking him out instantly, and takes a fat poo poo on his face while he's out. "It's like Oz, get it, buddy? Like you're the nazi from Oz." Jim explains as Dwight begins the years long process of physical therapy to recover from the massive head injury.
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Oct 5, 2021 18:45
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n the middle of an otherwise normal work day Jim stands up at his desk, grabs his keyboard, and savagely beats Ryan to death. Standing triumphant and blood splattered over Ryan's brutalized corpse, Jim is greeted by silence and shocked faces. Dwight finally stammes out a question. "Why Jim... why? Why did you do that?" Jim looks confused at first and then looks down at Ryan and nods. "Oh shoot, I forgot it! The good part!" He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled party hat and places it on Ryan's mangled body. "See, it's a prank." Everyone except Dwight erupts into laughter. Meredith and Creed stand up and start clapping. Michael declares Jim employee of the month for his "great sense of humor." Dwight looks at his ecstatic coworkers and is filled with a deep sadness.
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Oct 5, 2021 18:50
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Jim traps Dwight's soul in a kilo brick of cocaine. Dwight's soul is insufflated, smoked, and injected in the bloodstreams of partyers all across the Eastern seaboard. He remains conscious throughout this, though blind, deaf, and paralyzed.
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Oct 5, 2021 23:40
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Jim installs a large red button on Dwight's desk, labelled "DO NOT PRESS". Jim keeps looking at it fearfully. Eventually Dwight gives in to temptation and presses the button. A small red balloon marked with the words "BALLOON BOY" drifts slowly from the ceiling, landing on Dwight's desk. The rest of the workers in the office start calling Dwight "Balloon Boy" as a nickname, which he finds mildly irritating. Rascar Capac fucked around with this message at 09:25 on Oct 6, 2021 |
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Oct 6, 2021 00:08
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Jim takes Dwight’s phone and hides it in the ceiling tile above Dwight’s desk. When people call, Dwight’s annoying ringtone keeps playing, and Dwight gets increasingly angry and frustrated every time his phone rings. The next day, it is revealed that Dwight’s sister was in a fatal car accident, and his family had been frantically calling so that Dwight could see her one last time, and say goodbye.
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Oct 6, 2021 00:19
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Dwight is made Northeastern Pennsylvania Salesman of the Year, and must make a speech at an association meeting. Jim helps him out with the speech, but makes it so that Dwight delivers an address consisting largely of excerpts from Mussolini speeches. However, the assembled salesmen think the speech is great, and Dwight is a huge success. Nine years later, the workers at the office are in the conference room at night, watching on television as Dwight is elected President of the United States, running on the platform outlined in the speech Jim wrote. Jim glances worriedly at the camera. Rascar Capac fucked around with this message at 11:47 on Oct 6, 2021 |
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Oct 6, 2021 09:53
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One rainy night, Jim and Dwight are driving home from meeting a customer. Dwight starts to fall asleep, so Jim takes over driving. Dwight repeatedly asks if Jim is okay to drive, and Jim says he just wants to get home and sleep in his own bed. Dwight falls asleep in the passenger seat to the rhythmic drumming of rainfall, but is quickly awoken by the sound of tires screeching and the car violently rocking. Dwight looks over to see Jim desperately trying to steer the car, eventually bringing it to a stop in a ditch on the side of the road. Dwight asks Jim what the hell happened, and Jim says that a deer appeared from nowhere and jumped in front of the car. Dwight examines the front of the car and finds it dented in multiple places and coated with blood. The two salesmen walk the deserted, dark road and find that it's not a deer at all. They've hit a man. Dwight trains his tactical flashlight on the crumpled body and realizes the man isn't breathing and has lost a massive amount of blood. Dwight looks at Jim and asks what really happened, as the blood streaks make it look like the man was dragged from one side of the road to the other. Jim admits that he closed his eyes and may have fallen asleep for just a moment, but the fact remains that this person was on a seemingly deserted road in the middle of the night with no reflective clothing or flashlights. Jim argues that this was just an accident, and that it would be "in Dwight's best interests" to forget about it. When Dwight grabs his phone to dial 911, Jim violently grabs him and begs him to stop. Jim explains that even though they're both innocent, something like this would ruin their lives and careers. Dunder Mifflin itself would face massive amounts of scrutiny, possibly lawsuits from the family of the man. And, given the current economy, they probably wouldn't survive. Dwight says that's no justification for ignoring the death of an innocent person, and Jim says that he's pretty sure Kevin wouldn't survive Dunder Mifflin shutting down. Meredith is a single mother. Creed is Creed. Michael has massive amounts of debt thanks to his condo. All in all, he says, you'd be ruining more lives if you called 911 right now. Extremely frustrated and angry, Dwight puts his morals aside and agrees with Jim. Jim leaves the body where it lies and drives Dwight home, telling him not to worry about the repairs to his car. Jim says he knows a guy who will fix it without asking questions and drop it off the next day. True to his word, when Dwight wakes up the following morning his car is already repaired and sitting in the driveway. Dwight sees a note attached to the window and reads it. "HERE'S TO OUR LITTLE SECRET, BUDDY! NO CHARGE!" Already feeling sick, Dwight calls Jim and begs him to call the police and explain what happened. Dwight even says he'll take responsibility for the whole thing. Jim refuses, saying that it's too late to go back now. At work, Jim presents Dwight with a plate of beet cookies and says that he's decided to stop pranking Dwight forever. When Andy asks what the occasion is, Jim says he and Dwight "Have a special bond now, one that can never be broken." He then mugs for Dwight, and Dwight shudders involuntarily. While eating lunch, Dwight turns on the break room TV and sees a news story about the man that Jim killed last night. He was a 37 year old single father of 3. Police are investigating and already have a lead, a tactical flashlight found at the scene. Dwight's heart begins to race as he realizes with horror that its his. At that moment, Jim walks in. He explains that he knew he couldn't count on Dwight, so he made sure to plant a bit of evidence to be sure Dwight took the fall. Dwight calls Jim a monster and says that he'll go down with him. Jim says that's doubtful, since he made sure to scrub any evidence of him being at the scene when he got Dwight's car repaired. There's not a single floppy hair or skin cell in that car, and Jim made sure to set up an alibi. He motions at Pam, who's vacantly staring into space and eating a cup of yogurt. Jim explains that she'll testify that Jim was home long before the accident happened, and the Dwight must have gone on a joy ride all by himself. Feeling like the walls are closing in on him, Dwight asks Jim if he planned this whole thing, if he purposely hit that man with the intent of framing Dwight for murder. Or if Jim really did hit him by accident, but decided to frame Dwight. Or if he only decided to do it when he realized Dwight was going to to the police on his own. Jim says that he'll never tell, then smiles smugly at the camera.
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Oct 6, 2021 13:59
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Jim saunters into work late and says “Heeyyy, Mistah Shruuuuute!” For some reason, he insists on calling the office the “Sweathogs” this day. At lunch, Jim sips liquor to build up his courage up to talk to Pam, but his altered personality just drives her away. Jim develops a drinking problem and Dwight is forced to help him get clean.
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Oct 6, 2021 18:21
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Dwight stops at the car wash and opts for the deluxe wash, feeling confident and happy after a recent sale and looking to treat himself to a few small luxuries. As Dwight pulls in, he notices that the garage isn't spraying water at all, but a powerful acid. Dwight looks on in horror as the acid destroys his car and eventually begins to drip on him. On the other side of the wash, Jim patiently waits, dressed in a mechanic's jumpsuit and a hat that says "JIM'S CAR WASH" on it. As the doors open, the stench of death wafts out. "One more satisfied customer!" says Jim, smugly, as he uses a hose to wash away the bit of sludge that used to be Dwight K Schrute and his car.
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Oct 6, 2021 18:33
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All of Scranton has lottery fever and Jim, eager to win, asks Dwight how probability works. Dwight gives Jim a crash course, saying that Jim has roughly a 1 in 292,201,338 chance of winning the jackpot in Powerball. Jim, dumbfounded, asks how that's possible "when they only draw 6 numbers". Dwight goes a little more in depth, explaining that he needs to factor in the probability of correctly choosing each of the 5 balls, but allowing for the fact that you don't need to choose all of them in order. Jim lets out a huge sigh, mouths "wow" and walks off. The next day Jim shows up to work with 292,201,338 Powerball tickets, telling Dwight he "cracked this little government scheme". Dwight asks Jim how much he spent on the tickets, and Jim says $292,201,344 since he spent 6 dollars on a pack of smokes. Calmly, Dwight then asks Jim how much the powerball jackpot is. Jim looks it up and says it's $80,000,000. Letting this soak in for a moment, Dwight then asks Jim how he thinks he can make money when he spent more money on tickets than the jackpot itself is worth. Jim looks perplexed and then walks away again. The next day Jim shows up to work with $212,201,344. Jim grins a huge grin at Dwight and says now he's breaking even - this money plus the $80,000,000 jackpot means he has the total amount he spent on tickets. Dwight explains that Jim is still coming up short. Jim stares blankly at Dwight and Dwight explains that Jim's initial "investment" of $292,201,388 will always end up being a loss for him, and that he would have been better to just put it in a safe or something. Dwight then gets frustrated and asks Jim how the hell he has over $500 million anyway. Jim says it's part of his "Slush fund" that he set up for "prank stuff", then mugs for the camera.
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Oct 6, 2021 18:52
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Turns out Jim wasn't really mystical or a being from a higher dimension, he was just stupid rich.
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Oct 6, 2021 18:56
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Jim convinces Dwight that turkeys can fly, and that he should shove a bunch of them out of a helicopter over Scranton as a publicity stunt for Dunder-Mifflin.
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Oct 6, 2021 19:00
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After a series of restless nights, Dwight looks to invest in a new mattress and pillow. It's finally time, he says to himself, to invest in a good night's sleep. After purchasing his new mattress (a SleepKing 2000 TurboNapper) Dwight requests that the deliverymen also remove his old mattress. They agree and Dwight has one final night's sleep on his old bed. As has been standard for the last few weeks, he tosses and turns and wakes up feeling exhausted and achey. When the movers lift up the old mattress to move it out, a mummified corpse drops out to the ground, much of it turning to dust on impact. "What the gently caress?" yell the movers as Dwight, horrified, collapses to the ground. Dwight gets a closer look and sees that the corpse has a few remaining strands of floppy hair, along with a decayed shirt that isn't buttoned up all the way and a loosely tied tie. Jim. "It's his last prank! I knew it! I knew Jim had something to do with this!" yells Dwight as the terrified movers dial the police, thinking they are in the death-house of a serial killer. Jim's permanent rictus shines up at Dwight, who desperately tries to explain that this isn't his fault at all. Dwight is taken away by police who are convinced they've finally solved the disappearance of Jim Halpert, who went missing 8 months earlier and was never found. Forensic scientists gather Jim's remains and load him into a truck, planning to perform an in-depth analysis and determine the time and cause of death. As the driver pulls away, Jim's bony hands reach around his neck and start to squeeze. Terrified beyond comprehension, the driver crashes his van and Jim's remains slink off into the woods around Scranton.
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Oct 6, 2021 19:09
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Dwight can't find a working pen, so he asks Jim for one. "Sure thing, fatso, lemme just make sure this one works." Jim draws a shape that Dwight has never seen before on a sticky note, instantly driving Dwight mad. "What's the matter, balloon boy, never seen a Sankofir before?" he smugly says to Dwight, who's convulsing in his chair and foaming at the mouth. In a confessional, Creed says "Technically that's a Tanscrit, not a Sankofir, but po-tay-to/po-tah-to."
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Oct 6, 2021 19:43
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Jim drops an Alka-Seltzer tablet in Dwight's glass of water, smugly laughing as it foams over the top of the glass and spills on his desk. "Jeez Dwight, drink water much?" Dwight uses a towel from the kitchen to clean up the mess, costing him less than 2 minutes of his day. That night, Jim enters his Library of Pranks and crosses "Alka Seltzer in Water" off the list.
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Oct 6, 2021 20:02
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| # ? May 31, 2024 23:54 |
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It is Jim's birthday, and for his special day, he tells Pam that he wants to have a threesome. Pam isn't enthused at first, but eventually decides to go ahead with it, calling up the "wild" member of her old college crew. Her friend agrees and, with a few hours to kill, Pam decides to go out and have a couple drinks to unwind before getting the house ready. When she gets home, she finds Jim in the living room, already fully nude. He is getting tag-teamed by two men in extremely realistic rubber Dwight masks, who are yelling things at him like "This is for pranking me so hard!" and "You keep doing pranks on me, well I'm going to teach you a lesson about pranking!" Jim mugs for the camera as he nuts.
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Oct 6, 2021 20:08
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