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Bug Squash
Mar 18, 2009

Evil Willow posted:

AITA puting my future child first over paying back my mother-in-law.
To an idiot, a loan is free money. Wanting it back makes you a thief.

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Evil Willow
Apr 26, 2007
Bored now...
I really, really hope OP sticks to his guns on this one!

AITA for accepting money from a friend's estate against the wishes of their family?

quote:

I (35M) recently had a friend pass away unexpectedly from COVID. My friend (61M) was nearly twice my age however we met at a social event for gay men and struck up a friendship based on our shared love of 80s TV shows (particularly the Golden Girls). My friend, lets call him Jack, was estranged from his family because he divorced his wife and came out as gay when his kids were teenagers. This was back in the 90s and things weren't as accepting as they are now for gay people, so he faced brutal social isolation and rejection from his children after he came out. He told me he truly thought he was straight when he married his wife but through the course of their marriage he realized he was gay.

After Jack was rejected by his friends and family he moved to another state (my state) and found a gay friendly city and started a small business. His business was quite successful and he paid for his children's college education (even though they still didn't speak to him) and he remained estranged from them until his death. After he passed away his lawyer contacted me to let me know that because he never reconciled with his children, and their nasty conduct towards him well into their adult years, he decided to only give them a token amount in his will. The vast majority of his money was given to his friends who he said he considered his true family.

Since we were very close friends, he left me a considerable sum of money in his will. I think the amount I was left drew the ire of his children/ex-wife and they are saying that he robbed them of a normal family and life and they deserve the money for the suffering he put them through. WIBTA if I told them to shove it (as I would like to) and keep the money regardless?

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic

Evil Willow posted:

I really, really hope OP sticks to his guns on this one!

AITA for accepting money from a friend's estate against the wishes of their family?

No you won't BTA. Tell them to take a long walk off a short pier during shark season- if they wanted more, they shouldn't have been such vile people to him. Reaping, sowing, ect.

Alchenar
Apr 9, 2008

Barudak posted:

On this read there doesn't seem to be any indication 18 years and out dad doesn't love his kid or want to be part of their life (why plan a family christmas even when you're leaving otherwise). He's just done with the charade of giving a poo poo about the mother of his kid and wants to make a clean break. He doesn't even say he's going to reveal the infidelity.

Yeah but... 18 years is some Christopher Nolan Prestige-style commitment to living a false life.

e: like how is he ever going to have a relationship with someone else? "Oh yes well the story of my ex is I perfectly faked being in a loving relationship with this woman for 18 years and then stepped off when the appropriate criteria I had set at the beginning was triggered".

Alchenar fucked around with this message at 09:11 on Oct 24, 2021

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic
Isn't that the one where she continued the affair for another year after being caught, too?

DrManiac
Feb 29, 2012

Honestly I can see him doing it to not get hosed on custody.

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised.
Also saves the hassle of moving out and dealing with custody and uprooting and all that.

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Alchenar posted:

Yeah but... 18 years is some Christopher Nolan Prestige-style commitment to living a false life.

e: like how is he ever going to have a relationship with someone else? "Oh yes well the story of my ex is I perfectly faked being in a loving relationship with this woman for 18 years and then stepped off when the appropriate criteria I had set at the beginning was triggered".

I dont see why he wouldnt just say "I stayed with her for my son" given that he seems perfectly aware of proper responses and none of that sentence is a lie.

The only difference between this guy and other dudes who divorce at their kids leaving after being bitter for a long time is he knew and made this clear at the outset instead of falling out of love slowly or realizing they never really recovered from the affair.

Metis of the Chat Thread
Aug 1, 2014


He didn't make it clear enough, given the woman had no idea by the end. Eighteen years is an insanely long time to live a lie like that, if he was basically doing normal couple things with her and they were sharing a life, it's not surprising she thought they were, you know, a normal couple.

Like cheating is bad, but what the guy did was also bad, in my opinion. I feel like their kid almost certainly has a really hosed up idea of human relationships now.

Barudak
May 7, 2007

New Super Metis posted:

He didn't make it clear enough, given the woman had no idea by the end. Eighteen years is an insanely long time to live a lie like that, if he was basically doing normal couple things with her and they were sharing a life, it's not surprising she thought they were, you know, a normal couple.

Like cheating is bad, but what the guy did was also bad, in my opinion. I feel like their kid almost certainly has a really hosed up idea of human relationships now.

I feel like he was very clear? Shes the one who didn't stop seeing an affair partner and never bothered to ask how he was doing for 18 years and just assumed he started magically loving her and got wrecked when he was like "As per my previous email, this project was canceled"

Mx.
Dec 16, 2006

I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!


maybe he shouldn't have been loving her if he was done with the relationship the whole time

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic
Maybe she shouldn't have hosed someone else! Both people can suck, here.

Mx.
Dec 16, 2006

I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!


yeah obviously she shouldnt have cheated, is anybody defending her about that?

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic
It sure seems like it when people not only try to ignore that, but that she continued to see the other man for an entire year. I'm not inclined to give the cheater a whole lot of sympathy. The kid, yes- her, no.

Dewgy
Nov 10, 2005

~🚚special delivery~📦
Nah the dude’s loving nuts. “Oh but she kept going for a year!” And he kept going for eighteen. Basically half of his entire life. That’s psychopath poo poo.

Barudak
May 7, 2007

I guess I just don't see it any different than regular couples who fall out of love sometime while the kids are growing up but stay together except the dude in question was upfront and honest.

Grammarchist
Jan 28, 2013

I wonder what happened to that one high school girl with the pregnant evangelical mom trying to convince everyone that the daughter is the one having the baby and insisting she prepare for motherhood because all associated costs will be on her.

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Grammarchist posted:

I wonder what happened to that one high school girl with the pregnant evangelical mom trying to convince everyone that the daughter is the one having the baby and insisting she prepare for motherhood because all associated costs will be on her.

The guy who is the babys actual father convinced a fellow classmate of the daughters to pretend to be the dad and they got an imaginary abortion.

CharlestheHammer
Jun 26, 2011

YOU SAY MY POSTS ARE THE RAVINGS OF THE DUMBEST PERSON ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE READING THEM. CURIOUS!

Barudak posted:

I guess I just don't see it any different than regular couples who fall out of love sometime while the kids are growing up but stay together except the dude in question was upfront and honest.

People don’t want upfront and honest, they want reasons to be mad.

What he did doesn’t matter

Dewgy
Nov 10, 2005

~🚚special delivery~📦
Being upfront and honest about the complete whackjob poo poo you’re about to take two decades to pull off doesn’t really invalidate the fact that it’s complete whackjob poo poo.

CharlestheHammer
Jun 26, 2011

YOU SAY MY POSTS ARE THE RAVINGS OF THE DUMBEST PERSON ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE READING THEM. CURIOUS!
She shouldn’t have taken him back then. I can’t see how this isn’t on her for a deal she agreed with. Despite internally rationalizing it

Strategic Tea
Sep 1, 2012

Barudak posted:

I guess I just don't see it any different than regular couples who fall out of love sometime while the kids are growing up but stay together except the dude in question was upfront and honest.

He wasn't up front and honest because he knowingly allowed his wife to believe they were back together for many years. Honesty is an ongoing thing, a reference to p291 sch. 6 from 18 years ago isn't good enough.

Also springing it on the kid like that is clearly irredeemable and the fact that they were 18 is the most paltry figleaf possible.

CharlestheHammer
Jun 26, 2011

YOU SAY MY POSTS ARE THE RAVINGS OF THE DUMBEST PERSON ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE READING THEM. CURIOUS!
He didn’t mislead her at all what are you on about. She mislead herself.

Because she’s an idiot

Dewgy
Nov 10, 2005

~🚚special delivery~📦

Strategic Tea posted:

He wasn't up front and honest because he knowingly allowed his wife to believe they were back together for many years. Honesty is an ongoing thing, a reference to p291 sch. 6 from 18 years ago isn't good enough.

Also springing it on the kid like that is clearly irredemable and the fact that they were 18 is the most paltry figleaf possible.

Being fair, the standard thread opinion on cheaters is that they should be broken down into their constituent parts, bagged up, and thrown in a river, so I guess she should count her blessings that all she got was twenty years of being hosed with.

Strategic Tea
Sep 1, 2012

There is more to real honesty in the real world than 'beep boop you have received my memo you are now legally aware'.

If you see someone blatantly deleuding themselves over something you said, yeah it is dishonest not to correct them.

CharlestheHammer
Jun 26, 2011

YOU SAY MY POSTS ARE THE RAVINGS OF THE DUMBEST PERSON ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE READING THEM. CURIOUS!

Strategic Tea posted:

There is more to real honesty in the real world than 'beep boop you have received my memo you are now legally aware'.

If you see someone blatantly deleuding themselves over something you said, yeah it is dishonest not to correct them.

Oh your a doormat now it makes sense. In just gonna ignore you like most should

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic
When that person has cheated on you and is in fact continuing to do so for the next year, correcting their delusion ain't high on your list of priorities.

Dewgy
Nov 10, 2005

~🚚special delivery~📦
See, the whole point of the big red “A” is to note that this is someone who is clearly no longer a person. You are encouraged, nay, obligated to do some real hosed up sociopathic poo poo to them. That’s just the social contract! I am very normal.

Strategic Tea
Sep 1, 2012

CharlestheHammer posted:

Oh your a doormat now it makes sense. In just gonna ignore you like most should

thats a lol right there

Batterypowered7
Aug 8, 2009

The mist that chills you keeps me warm.

Man, that post is breaking the thread all over again, just like someone said it did the first time, lol

blatman
May 10, 2009

14 inc dont mez


ops husband is basically a dollar store inigo montoya knockoff

CharlestheHammer
Jun 26, 2011

YOU SAY MY POSTS ARE THE RAVINGS OF THE DUMBEST PERSON ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE READING THEM. CURIOUS!

Batterypowered7 posted:

Man, that post is breaking the thread all over again, just like someone said it did the first time, lol

Goons love being weirdly contrarian and it’s pretty easy to predict which posts are going to bring that out

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Batterypowered7 posted:

Man, that post is breaking the thread all over again, just like someone said it did the first time, lol

Im currently stuck watching "Gnome Alone" so I will drag you all to posting hell together

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic

blatman posted:

ops husband is basically a dollar store inigo montoya knockoff
"Hello. My name is Ogini Ayotnom. You cheated on me. Prepare to cry."

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised.

Barudak posted:

Im currently stuck watching "Gnome Alone" so I will drag you all to posting hell together

Is that part of the Gnomeo and Juliet cinematic universe

Invisible Clergy
Sep 25, 2015

"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces"

Malachi 2:3

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Is that part of the Gnomeo and Juliet cinematic universe

It is amazingly an unrelated film which is mostly about gremlins. It stars George Lopez.

RenegadeStyle1
Jun 7, 2005

Baby Come Back
It is pretty hosed up but funny as hell and she seems kind of like a shithead so he wins 2-1.

Metis of the Chat Thread
Aug 1, 2014


Sorry but it's insane to do that!! It's insane to pretend to be happy sharing a life with another person and it's insane to basically sabotage both your lives!! They could have split up and both moved on and created genuinely happy lives during the EIGHTEEN YEARS of lying but this guy prevented the both of them from doing that! It's pure martyrdom, and is it similar to couples that "stay together for the kids"? Yeah it is that, and I already think that concept is idiotic because again, you're not happy and you're modelling a bad relationship for your kids, and here ON TOP OF THAT there's this sociopathic deception going on.

(no i dont have baggage from my own parents, shut up)

I loving hate cheaters, but you break up with the cheater and move on, you don't martyr yourself in this bizarre way. It's not healthy!

edit: i will not post again on this topic, this is a promise to myself and the thread

Metis of the Chat Thread fucked around with this message at 12:38 on Oct 24, 2021

Metis of the Chat Thread
Aug 1, 2014


fresh content!

Friend (25f) put me (27f) on the spot by telling the judge she and her baby could move in with me before asking my permission.

quote:

I'm going to try to keep this short, but its a lot. I'll call her Emma.

We met at work summer of 2019. December 2019 she moves to NY to be with someone the was dating long distance briefly. She knew him from high school. She got pregnant soon after. We stayed in close contact.

While Emma was pregnant her dad and her mom died. Her relationship with "Ed" went downhill. By the time she had the baby she knew the made the wrong choice by moving.

Ed neglected the baby and became more and more aggressive toward Emma. She broke up with him several months ago, but stayed in his house with the baby. Emma started talking to "David" in her home state FL and how they wanted to build a family (didn't learn after the first guy I guess) she got snappier with Ed eventually admitting to him she was talking to someone else.

This led to Ed eventually kicking her out and her taking the baby to a shelter. They went to court and the judge ordered she moved back in and he moved out while they make a decision.

BUT HERE'S THE THING in court she told them she wanted to go to FL. They said no because she has a warrant there. Then she said she could come to my state. The judge said he would allow it if Ed would then it was continued to a hearing. SHE NEVER ASKED ME before bringing my state up in court, just assumed she could come here. When she told me she said "I told the judge I can come to [state] hope that's okay" Didn't even ask me.

I agreed out of pressure and now that I did I am dreading it. I just got my apartment and it's nicer than anything in my price range. Its income based so it has stricter rules about people not on the lease staying. Since she has a warrant, I would imagine that would make finding a place to rent in her own difficult. Also she has a baby and the walls here aren't sound proof. I'm worried she will end up over staying her welcome and I will get caught and be evicted. Also I don't even want to think what if she moves in and refuses to move out? She has worked at lease 8 jobs I know of in the last 2 years so I can't really trust she will be able to get her life together and move out. I know that sounds terrible. My last room mate situation was a nightmare and I really don't want to ruin another friendship being room mates, but I feel saying no now will also ruin the friendship.

Please give me some advice. I should look out for myself and tell her no to moving in right?

Tl:dr; friend got herself in a bad situation and told the courts she and her baby could move in with me before asking me. I don't want them to.


[Update] Friend (25f) put me (27f) on the spot by telling the judge she and her baby could move in with me before asking my permission

quote:

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q9np6c/friend_25f_put_me_27f_on_the_spot_by_telling_the

So this unfortunately isn't a good update and I'm looking for advice.

After posting I texted Emma the following Sunday 10/17: "Hey, I'm sorry, but you moving in isn't a good idea. Its too much of a risk for me losing my apartment. I was put on the spot because, before you went in to court, we were talking about you going to FL, then, when you called me after, you told me the judge agreed to (state). I don't feel we really discussed it before you told the judge. I'm here to help you find resources in (state) if you still want to move here. There's a domestic violence shelter in (town) that will allow moms and kids to have their own rooms. I feel terrible, but its too much of a risk for me to take. 3 years ago I was homeless. I can't risk losing my home."

She responded: "It's Ok! I understand, and yeah it kinda was a rushed idea/plan, sorry about that. Shelters are not an option though, I will lose my kid. So I'll really need to find a place"

I didn't respond. But clearly we determined she wouldn't be staying with me, or so I thought. She snapchatted me Monday asking to take screenshots of our conversations about Ed and I said it was fine. Snapchat notifies the other person if a screenshot, and she never took the screenshots.

THEN yesterday (Friday) Emma calls me and I don't answer. I knew she had court Thursday. Emma texts the following: "Hey, so I have a place to go in (state), however, since you were mentioned and put down first, I can't change that information without it being put against me. So I need you to play it off for me that we will still be staying with you and if need be, you have a brother named "Steve" who we can also stay with. (Steve is another good friend of mine in nc who we will be staying with)" 2nd text from Emma: "You're the only person I can use as a witness per say in court and they basically just want to hear from someone that isn't me that I won't be homeless going down there. Call me as soon as you can please"

So I guess she lied in court on Thursday and said she could come to my place?? After I made clear Sunday she couldn't come here. I responded: "Emma I can't lie to a judge like that. A simple search can prove my siblings names. I don't know what could be held against me if they find out I lied. I've never lied in court in my own personal legal situations and I just can't in any situation. Its too much of a risk. Say my lease wouldn't approve you because that's the whole reason why you couldn't come here."

Long story short, she continues to try to talk me in to LYING IN COURT ON VIDEO CALL. Saying I can just tell them she's coming to my place and we will go to Steve's if I get evicted. I insist no I will not lie in court (AKA PERJURY) and that I was pressured into this. She insists she didn't pressure me that I offered (bs) and that she loves me. That really pissed me off so one of my texts back included: "So you want me to risk being evicted and getting into legal trouble for you? No. Don't say you love me. That's not what friends do to each other. I would NEVER expect you to risk your stability or legal trouble for me." Then I blocked her sigh

ADVICE NEEDED: Since she lied to the judge on Thursday. I am worried she is going to have someone else do the video call and say they are me. I am wondering what I should do. IF I should do anything at all? My concern if she has someone pretend they are me and she does get permission to come here. What if she doesn't do what she's supposed to and gets in trouble so they look for her at my address? And when I say "Wait no she's not here" they will say "Well you testified in court she is" and I don't know what legal trouble that would cause for ME. I'm also concerned she would get charged with perjury if I report she said she could come here after I made it clear she couldn't. But ultimately her lying on Thursday proves to me she is willing to continue lying in court and I need to protect myself.

Any advice is really appreciated. Obviously I need to keep her blocked everywhere. Should I also contact her local clerk or court?

Tl;dr: Friend volunteered me in court for her and her baby to move in before clearing it with me. I finally said no on Sunday, but she lied in court on Thursday and said they could come here still. She tried to talk me in to doing a video chat appearance in court saying she could come here. I am worried she will have someone else do the video chat after I refused to. Advice please!

EDIT: Sorry for any confusion, but I don't know who Steve is. Its someone else she found to move in with in my state apparently. He's not my brother or anyone I know. Unfortunately I can't notify them of the situation.

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Barudak
May 7, 2007

Invisible Clergy posted:

It is amazingly an unrelated film which is mostly about gremlins. It stars George Lopez.

Trogs!!!

Its also about why being career motivated and moving for jobs as a single mother is inherently wrong

Edit: Im not sure I've been angrier at a film faster than this but boy opening dialog was 0->gently caress this film

Barudak fucked around with this message at 12:49 on Oct 24, 2021

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