r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

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mllaneza: Apr 28, 2007; Veteran, Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force, 1993-1952

lovely snipe,

(Update) My(m27) wife(f26) lost her job after leaving early numerous times out of concern for her friend's(f26) mental health after her miscarriage, but when I tried to talk to her, she made me out to be the enemy
[new]

quote:

Last Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/pxlqmd/mym27_wifef26_lost_her_job_after_leaving_early/

It's been a little bit since my first post, and part of me wanting to update is needing to do it for myself. My wife (Liz) has been best friends with (Lauren) since high school and long before I met her. However, Lauren's miscarriage led to my wife losing her job and her husband (Nick) divorcing her too. Lauren was depressed when the miscarriage happened, and a lot of people tried to support her afterward including me. Nick purchased concert tickets for my wife and her to go to, and I had them over for dinner multiple times and also bought over dinner a few times too. We have a fund in our budget that goes to helping others aside from charity, and we both really wanted to help them

However, Lauren began to make her husband the enemy when talking to my wife about how he'd try to help her, and they were always together in the aftermath of the miscarriage. Lauren said that Nick wanted to take time off from work (using PTO) to be with her and work through his emotions, but she didn't want him to because she only wanted to be with Liz. He also suggested a vacation to get their mind off of things, but she wanted nothing to do with it and told him to go with friends. But, when he asked one of his friends if he'd be interested, she yelled at him for not reading between the lines and doing exactly what she told him to do. There was also a time when Nick made breakfast and bought her flowers, but she threw them out and wanted to stay in bed (more than a month after the miscarriage at this point). He also suggested splurging on herself and offering to pay for her to do her hair for a night out, but she yelled at him again and kept resenting him along with refusing his offer to do grief counseling together and not wanting any affection at all.

Lauren only wanted to talk to my wife, and after each episode with her husband, she would text Liz, and Liz would sometimes come over and be the only relief that she wanted. She wanted nothing to do with Nick, but made plans with Liz right and left while continuing to neglect him in other ways too. So, eventually, Nick would divorce about 10 months after the miscarriage, and Lauren would enter a deep state of depression that required Liz to come over almost every day after work. Around this time, I told Liz that while I can't imagine what Lauren's going through, that I believe she was wrong to treat her husband in the ways that she vented to her about, but she snapped at me. I also told her that while it's good to help others, that it's important to prioritize your own health too, since she would come back late and call out of work numerous times because she barely got any sleep and was talked to for dozing off at work

I also told her that she's not a replacement for Lauren's husband, but she reiterated how they had been through everything since high school and that "before there was us, there was them", and my wife never snapped at me until I questioned Lauren's character after being married for a few years. We've disagreed before, but when I criticized Lauren for the first time, she would defend her no matter what. However, I need to explain the exact event that predicated that conversation. We were at lunch with some friends when Lauren texted Liz that she was considering "ending it", and Liz grabbed my attention and insisted that we leave, and I'll admit that my mind was rushing in the moment. This was the first time that Lauren said something like that, and Liz kept saying that if we didn't leave, we might be too late. I made up an excuse and began to drive her there, but on the way, Lauren said that she "changed her mind" after talking to Liz on the drive there and that "we no longer had to come over", and that is what prompted that conversation

Personally, I was afraid that if I didn't leave and she actually ended it, that the guilt would be with me (although I get that it shouldn't be) and my wife would forever resent me. My mind was also rushing and I couldn't think straight. I should've called the police, and it's my bad for not thinking of that, but I told her at home that we should consider calling them anyway if she's really feeling that way, but she wasn't having it and shut the conversation down. We've argued before, but the first time I ever criticize Lauren, she snaps like never before because I must've stepped on her holy grail. However, she did say that she'd "take a break" from Lauren, but that turned out to be a lie. While she wouldn't go over after work anymore, she would leave work early to visit Lauren numerous times, to the point where she came home and told me that she was "fired" one day completely out of the blue. She explained that she would leave to see Lauren on days when she felt like "ending it" again and that she stopped telling me about Lauren because of our last conversation. She also said that Lauren's situation was making her "distressed" at work and needing to leave early, but that she got fired for doing so too many times after warnings. However, when I asked what that meant for our bills, she said that I "make enough to cover" because it's partly my fault for telling her to not see Lauren after work

Update:

A lot of people said that the proper word that describes her relation to Lauren is 'codependent', and I honestly agree. Some suggested that I leave for a few days to take a break and think about what I'm getting out of the relationship post-Lauren's miscarriage that sparked the dramatic behavior change in my wife. However, the suggestion that I decided to follow, was talking to her once more and telling her where I stand and seeing where we both stand on the matter. So, that conversation is why I'm updating

I echoed what someone said about how Liz could be enabling Lauren from wanting to seek therapy when she knows that she can call her at any time, and I also told her that lying by leaving early was wrong too. I also told her that we needed to discuss her next job, but she said that she'll get it "when she wants to" because it's my fault that she had to sneak around in the first place, and she also disclosed something new. She said that she is an empath and that she and Lauren are pretty much the same person, so when I criticized Lauren, I was criticizing her. She also said that I am "someone who doesn't prioritize mental health" because I criticized Lauren and that if she hadn't lied and sacrificed her job to be with her, Lauren "might not be here" and "it would be my fault". So, she said that paying for the bills was the "least I can do" because I "don't care about Lauren at all", completely forgetting how I cooked for them numerous times and bought them movie tickets among other things and sometimes with my own money too

Before I could even say more once she got started, she said that she's been talking about me to Lauren a lot and that I'm "no better than her ex-husband" and that she wants out and there's no changing her mind. Honestly, when we were going to talk, I wasn't expecting her to lay into me like that. I didn't expect it to be roses, but I really didn't expect her to get at me like that. I've been depressed myself lately and trying to push through, but we are in the process of getting a divorce because that's what she wanted, and I've also taken some time off for myself too. I've just started therapy, but the divorce process hurt and still hurts honestly. But, that's pretty much it. I'm back working, but it still hurts. I'm playing a lot more games than I usually do at home, and a few of my friends have been really comforting. But, it hurts, and I want to ask for any advice on moving on from such an ugly end to everything if anyone has any suggestions. But, that's pretty much it. She was done before I could even get that far and even push for counseling together like someone else suggested too

TL;DR: I talked to my wife about where we stand one more time after she was fired, but she lashed out at me and blamed me for everything

That escalated not so much quickly as thoroughly.

mllaneza fucked around with this message at 09:09 on Nov 17, 2021

# ? Nov 17, 2021 08:56

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# ? May 29, 2024 20:54

thotsky: Jun 7, 2005; hot to trot

Invisible Clergy posted:

Someone suggests this in the comments, but bridezilla rejects it because they will not cascade through the air properly or stain her dress red like the fresh ones will, which is desirable to her because she wants to use the stained dress in an art project or similar.

It will cascade through the air much better than smushed, wet strawberries will.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 09:09

Invisible Clergy: Sep 25, 2015; "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces"

Malachi 2:3

Mx. posted:

I (30sF) am having a hard time knowing how to say "no" to my coworker (20sF) about giving her money because she might have rabies

I want this one to be real so badly. Do nothing and the problem will take care of itself in about a week and a half. If it doesn't, then OP's empty headed influencer friend was lying to get attention and steal money. No idea where OP is getting 2 years from.

A human surviving rabies from a vermin bite sans vaccination has been documented only one time in human history and it's totally wild. The doctor used experimental treatments at the time like putting the patient into a coma. It's a little tricky to find useful into on online, but s3e1 of that medical atrocity show "something's killing me" covers her case in a reasonable amount of detail if you want to learn more.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 10:12

massive spider: Dec 6, 2006

Rabies is prob one of the worst ways to die so I�m having trouble cheering it even if the person is like, totes fake and thinks they�re sooo hot.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 10:17

Midnight Voyager: Jul 2, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

Invisible Clergy posted:

I want this one to be real so badly. Do nothing and the problem will take care of itself in about a week and a half. If it doesn't, then OP's empty headed influencer friend was lying to get attention and steal money. No idea where OP is getting 2 years from.

A human surviving rabies from a vermin bite sans vaccination has been documented only one time in human history and it's totally wild. The doctor used experimental treatments at the time like putting the patient into a coma. It's a little tricky to find useful into on online, but s3e1 of that medical atrocity show "something's killing me" covers her case in a reasonable amount of detail if you want to learn more.

I mean, there's a possibility she doesn't have it. She's just hosed if she does.

also I've seen this goddamn exact situation play out, except they turned out to not have rabies and never even got a little worried about it, so it just kinda confirmed their lack of fear. See, it's nothing, nothing went wrong!

# ? Nov 17, 2021 10:17

Microplastics: Jul 6, 2007; It's what's for dinner.

I once got a tiny scratch from a monkey in Nepal and I went batshit crazy about possibly dying of rabies

After doing hours of panicked research on the web I finally decided the chances of me having got rabies was next to nothing. But if I did hoooo boy I was in for some poo poo.

It's pretty terrifying because everything I've read suggests that as soon as a symptom appears, it's already too late for treatment :stonklol:

# ? Nov 17, 2021 10:28

The Lone Badger: Sep 24, 2007

Invisible Clergy posted:

A human surviving rabies from a vermin bite sans vaccination has been documented only one time in human history and it's totally wild. The doctor used experimental treatments at the time like putting the patient into a coma. It's a little tricky to find useful into on online, but s3e1 of that medical atrocity show "something's killing me" covers her case in a reasonable amount of detail if you want to learn more.

They've used the same treatment a few more times and it hasn't worked, so it seems it was a fluke.

The analogy I've seen used is that when you get bitten it lights a fuse. The fuse is your nerve, and it's slowly burning backwards towards your brain. At this stage you can get treatment and snuff our the tiny flame, no issues. There are no symptoms because it's such a tiny little infection.
But once the fuse burns down all the way and it reaches your brain, it turns into a bonfire. There's so much fuel here and there's nothing anyone can do to put it out before it kills you. This is also when the first symptoms present themselves.

The Lone Badger fucked around with this message at 10:51 on Nov 17, 2021

# ? Nov 17, 2021 10:47

empty sea: Jul 17, 2011; gonna saddle my seahorse and float out to the sunset

I'm a vet tech and in our field if you get bitten we either need to see the pet's records of yearly rabies vaccines and the pet is quarantined for 2 weeks or you just get the shots and the pet may be quarantined or sent out for confirmation if it's deceased.

We've actually had a few confirmed rabies cases in the last year in my ER. All from dogs that people owned.

We take it pretty seriously. There's a lot of zoonotic diseases in vet med but rabies is the loving worst.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 10:53

8one6: May 20, 2012; When in doubt, err on the side of Awesome!

mllaneza posted:

lovely snipe,

(Update) My(m27) wife(f26) lost her job after leaving early numerous times out of concern for her friend's(f26) mental health after her miscarriage, but when I tried to talk to her, she made me out to be the enemy
[new]

That escalated not so much quickly as thoroughly.

Prediction: After the divorce Lauren and Liz become a couple if they aren't already.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 11:03

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

8one6 posted:

Prediction: After the divorce Lauren and Liz become a couple if they aren't already.

And then fuse into a single entity: "LauLizren"

# ? Nov 17, 2021 11:06

Flavahbeast: Jul 21, 2001

The Lone Badger posted:

They've used the same treatment a few more times and it hasn't worked, so it seems it was a fluke.

There are actually 11 cases on record where the treatment worked: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7670764/

it usually fails though, and none of the records show it working on a patient older than 17, and most of the survivors had worse outcomes than Jeanna's

Flavahbeast fucked around with this message at 11:43 on Nov 17, 2021

# ? Nov 17, 2021 11:36

Metis of the Chat Thread: Aug 1, 2014

i'm glad there's no rabies in australia. i can lick all the bats i want to without fear.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 11:52

webmeister: Jan 31, 2007; The answer is, mate, because I want to do you slowly. There has to be a bit of sport in this for all of us. In the psychological battle stakes, we are stripped down and ready to go. I want to see those ashen-faced performances; I want more of them. I want to be encouraged. I want to see you squirm.

Metis of the Hallways posted:

i'm glad there's no rabies in australia. i can lick all the bats i want to without fear.

Same, living in a rabies-free paradise owns

# ? Nov 17, 2021 11:53

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

australian bats carry a lyssavirus that causes a disease in humans that is also called rabies

do not lick the bats

# ? Nov 17, 2021 11:58

Elissimpark: May 20, 2010; Bring me the head of Auguste Escoffier.

Mx. posted:

australian bats carry a lyssavirus that causes a disease in humans that is also called rabies

do not lick the bats

Fine, but you can't stop me licking echidnas, quolls, tasmanian devils or these weepy-eyed rabbits living on the grass in the middle of the highway.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 12:03

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

Elissimpark posted:

Fine, but you can't stop me licking echidnas, quolls, tasmanian devils or these weepy-eyed rabbits living on the grass in the middle of the highway.

if you can catch a quoll i think you're legally obligated to lick it

# ? Nov 17, 2021 12:05

Metis of the Chat Thread: Aug 1, 2014

Mx. posted:

australian bats carry a lyssavirus that causes a disease in humans that is also called rabies

do not lick the bats

but it's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning

what will i do without my daily bat licking

# ? Nov 17, 2021 12:21

Canuckistan: Jan 14, 2004; I'm the greatest thing since World War III.; Soiled Meat

You could vape bats instead.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 12:58

Elissimpark: May 20, 2010; Bring me the head of Auguste Escoffier.

Mx. posted:

if you can catch a quoll i think you're legally obligated to lick it

Challenge....accepted.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 13:10

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

# ? Nov 17, 2021 13:16

Elissimpark: May 20, 2010; Bring me the head of Auguste Escoffier.

It is by will alone that I set my tongue in motion.
It is by the quoll of Spots that licks acquire speed, the lips acquire scars, the scars become a warning.
It is by will alone that I set my tongue in motion.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 13:25

Seth Pecksniff: May 27, 2004; can't believe shrek is fucking dead. rip to a real one.

webmeister posted:

Same, living in a rabies-free paradise owns

Yes having no rabies owns because it's literally the only thing in Australia that won't kill you

It's deaths laboratory!

# ? Nov 17, 2021 13:33

keep punching joe: Jan 22, 2006; Die Satan!

No rabies is probably the only thing the UK has going for it.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 14:20

DAD LOST MY IPOD: Feb 3, 2012; Fats Dominar is on the case

8one6 posted:

Prediction: After the divorce Lauren and Liz become a couple if they aren't already.

yeah this is kind of a hosed up story but the Occam�s razor explanation is that Lauren and Liz are in love with each other and have been for a long time.

I mean, good luck to them, they both sound like lovely narcissists (although for Lauren at least part of that is grief). while it is always correct to be your authentic self and not remain in a sham marriage, there�s no rule that says that your authentic self is a good person to be around.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 14:20

Dik Hz: Feb 22, 2004; Fun with Science

kimbo305 posted:

I don't drink cane sugar sodas enough to be sure if there's a difference, but normal US coke does have that teeth-clinging people have mentioned. It's an extremely common criticism of HFCS soda, but I wonder how real the effect is?

Cane sugar is still ~50% fructose. "High fructose corn syrup" is 55% fructose. They're both sugar of only slightly different composition. The idea that HFCS is scary and bad and cane sugar is benign and good is pretty ridiculous.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 14:21

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

keep punching joe posted:

No rabies is probably the only thing the UK has going for it.

they killed all their even-close-to-dangerous wildlife, that's why they get so weird and confused about letting cats outside

# ? Nov 17, 2021 14:23

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Invisible Clergy posted:

That's weird. I'll just do it manually. I was gonna do an image because the meat was in a couple of comments:

What's the best way to disassemble raspberries?

I hope OP�s �she�s paying us enough to make it worth it� is paid all in advance because there�s zero chance the actual result matches the bride�s mental image of what she *thinks* raspberries on a wedding dress will look like - then she�ll blame OP for not doing it right.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 14:35

Soylent Pudding: Jun 22, 2007; We've got people!

AITA for sending my stepson to his mom after he flushed my daughter's formula down the toilet and wanting to tell his dad?

quote:

I (f37) have been married to my husband Aaron for 3 years. He has a son (Thomas) age 16 who tend to be so stubborn and moody sometimes. I'm a stahm with a 6 months old daughter and because my husband travels a lot for work I handle everything around the house.

Few days ago, Thomas asked if he could host a party at our house and invite 16+ friends. I discussed this with his dad and we said no because we have a newborn in the house and having 16+ people all at once wasn't save. Thomas threw a tantrum and kept insisting saying he already sent out invitations but I told him it was his fault for doing that before consulting us. He stayed upset and stopped eating for 2 days. Then yesterday morning I noticed my daughter's formula was missing. I looked everywhere but once I entered the bathroom there were traces of it on the floor. I was dumbfounded I asked Thomas about what happened and he and with a straight face said that he flushed it all down the toilet to get back at me and only me for banning him from having the party. I said that wasn't true and showed him the chat his dad and I had. Still he insisted that I influnced his dad to say no that is when I lost my temper. I told him he should have never touched anything related to his sister and that her food, comfort, health is where the line is drawn. He tried to argue he wasn't looking to hurt her but hurt me through her. I told him I had enough of his irresponsible attitude and told him to pack and get ready to go to his mom's. He didn't want to go despite saying he'd rather be with his mom because she lets him do whatever he wants long as he's not getting in trouble. I drove him there and his mom told me off for asking her to punish him for what he did saying I'm not his parent and also can't tell her what to do. I said fine then and told Thomas to wait til his dad gets home to give him punishment but he and his mom begged that I don't tell my husband and she'll pay for a replacement for the formula after all it's just formula and her son was feeling frustrated but it's not about the formula itself more than it is about the fact he should be held respinsible for what he did. I left and she kept harrassing me on SM claiming I'm trying to turn my husband against his son.

AITA here?

# ? Nov 17, 2021 14:36

keep punching joe: Jan 22, 2006; Die Satan!

MagusofStars posted:

I hope OP�s �she�s paying us enough to make it worth it� is paid all in advance because there�s zero chance the actual result matches the bride�s mental image of what she *thinks* raspberries on a wedding dress will look like - then she�ll blame OP for not doing it right.

It's going to end up brown isn't it, like shitstains.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 14:39

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

Soylent Pudding posted:

AITA for sending my stepson to his mom after he flushed my daughter's formula down the toilet and wanting to tell his dad?

lol imagine being the husband, he basically has four children

fuckin trying to argue with a kid by showing him private texts between you and your spouse, the ex acting like "oh no don't tell dad, I'll pay for it"

# ? Nov 17, 2021 14:41

Tendales: Mar 9, 2012

Dik Hz posted:

Cane sugar is still ~50% fructose. "High fructose corn syrup" is 55% fructose. They're both sugar of only slightly different composition. The idea that HFCS is scary and bad and cane sugar is benign and good is pretty ridiculous.

Sure, in the same way that table salt is ~50% chlorine. Strictly speaking cane sugar is 0% fructose. Sucrose is a fructose molecule bonded to a glucose molecule, but that bond still matters. For example, the bacteria that produces plaque and fucks up your teeth can only process sucrose, not fructose or glucose.

There's some important chemical differences between sucrose and HFCS. For example, heated to about 45C or so, the fructose in HFCS will start to break down into hydroxymethylfurfural. I don't think it's harmful to humans, but it'll loving kill your bees, which was sort of a problem when they tried to use it to save failing bee colonies. Oops. (Sucrose will also kill your bees, but only because it doesn't provide all the nutrition they need)

Once consumed, sucrose breaks down very quickly into fructose and glucose during the digestion process, but AFAICT there's not a lot of solid evidence for or against whether that extra chemical step makes any health difference.

Also sucrose in soda tends to break down to the monosaccharides even before you drink it, but I've also never seen any convincing study on what proportion of the sucrose has broken down by the time you drink it.

My stance on the quality of taste tests is that most people don't actually think about what they're pouring into their faces, so there's only so much useful information you can get from asking them.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 15:10

Synnr: Dec 30, 2009

HFCS concerns are more about it being in everything and how the simple sugar/increased calorie content affects stuff. The nutters who blame it for every health issue really should be blaming just the increased intake. That said, broadly the slightly different fructose levels does statistically increase the development and enhances metastatic behavior of some cancers, but any increased fructose would do that no matter how is sourced.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 15:20

Pigsfeet on Rye: Oct 22, 2008; I'm meat on the hoof

Metis of the Hallways posted:

but it's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning

what will i do without my daily bat licking

Lick cane toads instead

# ? Nov 17, 2021 15:34

Seth Pecksniff: May 27, 2004; can't believe shrek is fucking dead. rip to a real one.

DAD LOST MY IPOD posted:

yeah this is kind of a hosed up story but the Occam�s razor explanation is that Lauren and Liz are in love with each other and have been for a long time.

I mean, good luck to them, they both sound like lovely narcissists (although for Lauren at least part of that is grief). while it is always correct to be your authentic self and not remain in a sham marriage, there�s no rule that says that your authentic self is a good person to be around.

This is 100% what I was thinking too

# ? Nov 17, 2021 15:37

Soylent Pudding: Jun 22, 2007; We've got people!

Synnr posted:

HFCS concerns are more about it being in everything and how the simple sugar/increased calorie content affects stuff. The nutters who blame it for every health issue really should be blaming just the increased intake. That said, broadly the slightly different fructose levels does statistically increase the development and enhances metastatic behavior of some cancers, but any increased fructose would do that no matter how is sourced.

My fat American rear end spent a month in Australia and one of the first things I noticed was how many foods tasted less sweet. It was wonderful and I was disappointed to get back stateside with the now firsthand knowledge of how everything is corn juice infused.

Pigsfeet on Rye posted:

Lick cane toads instead

I did not lick a cane toad.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 15:42

Dik Hz: Feb 22, 2004; Fun with Science

Tendales posted:

Sure, in the same way that table salt is ~50% chlorine. Strictly speaking cane sugar is 0% fructose. Sucrose is a fructose molecule bonded to a glucose molecule, but that bond still matters. For example, the bacteria that produces plaque and fucks up your teeth can only process sucrose, not fructose or glucose.

There's some important chemical differences between sucrose and HFCS. For example, heated to about 45C or so, the fructose in HFCS will start to break down into hydroxymethylfurfural. I don't think it's harmful to humans, but it'll loving kill your bees, which was sort of a problem when they tried to use it to save failing bee colonies. Oops. (Sucrose will also kill your bees, but only because it doesn't provide all the nutrition they need)

Once consumed, sucrose breaks down very quickly into fructose and glucose during the digestion process, but AFAICT there's not a lot of solid evidence for or against whether that extra chemical step makes any health difference.

Also sucrose in soda tends to break down to the monosaccharides even before you drink it, but I've also never seen any convincing study on what proportion of the sucrose has broken down by the time you drink it.

My stance on the quality of taste tests is that most people don't actually think about what they're pouring into their faces, so there's only so much useful information you can get from asking them.

The enzymes in your spit break up sucrose into fructose and glucose very, very quickly. That's why sugar tastes sweet.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 15:45

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

Soylent Pudding posted:

My fat American rear end spent a month in Australia and one of the first things I noticed was how many foods tasted less sweet. It was wonderful and I was disappointed to get back stateside with the now firsthand knowledge of how everything is corn juice infused.

I did not lick a cane toad.

Licking toads is perfectly safe and legal, unlike bats.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 15:53

mllaneza: Apr 28, 2007; Veteran, Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force, 1993-1952

tldr; do not gently caress with OP

Hell Hath No Fury Like Me Scorned (also posted on r/nuclearrevenge)

quote:

This story starts 31 years ago, but the revenge part was pure serendipity that began two years ago. I'm going to shorten some (most) parts because it's a crazy ride, but I'll be happy to answer any questions y'all have. I learned a fuckton on this journey, and part of the reason for this write-up is to share that with others.

The beginning:

In 1990 when I was just out of middle school and my my sister was still in elementary, my dad met his third wife at the only gas station in our town. They soon moved in together, and my dad abandoned us in our basement apartment to live on a shanty houseboat, that didn't run, to live with her. He would show up every other week and give me $40 for groceries. Eventually, someone figured out the situation and called my mom. We went to live with her which was, believe it or not, worse.

My dad and his shanty wife got married in 1991. Not long after, she called me and told me my dad's brain tumor had returned (it hadn't) and that he couldn't handle the stress of being around us. That the only people he could bear to be around was her, and her son, "Shorty," who was my age. When I called my dad to ask if this was true, he said it wasn't, and he just couldn't believe that she would say that to begin with. That was one of our last conversations until two years ago.

The middle:

There's not much in this part. I worked my way through college, living in my car from time to time. My dad and I were no contact, but I heard from family that he'd bought a house and put his "son" through some vocational classes. When my grandmother died, Shorty and Shanty Wife showed up in a truck and took all the furniture and anything else that wasn't tied down or already gone. Eventually, I went no contact with my dad's side of the family. I struggled for years, decades really, but I made it. And I have a great job and a good family now. The best revenge is living well, right?

The pre-end warmup:

Two years ago (Oct 2019) I got a call from my dad's brother, "Allen." He told me my dad was in a nursing home in another state (great!) and I needed to go see him because he needed my help (WTF?). Shorty had ghosted him (aahahahahHAHAH!). The nursing home, coincidentally, was about 20 minutes from my house. And I saw an opportunity and I went.

The reunion was underwhelming. I didn't want to make amends, but I DID want to hear how he wound up dumped and all alone in another state. And it was a really, really good story. Shanty Wife got lung cancer and put my dad in a nursing home before she died in 2017. She suffered, and I was happy to hear it but sad it wasn't rear end cancer. Shorty became his power of attorney (POA) when she died, and had been visiting my dad, living in my dad's house with his two children, and "taking care" of my dad's affairs since his mom died. But now he was MIA, and my dad was worried about him. He asked me to drive the hour and a half to his house to check on everything. That's all he wanted. He never even asked me how I had been.

I agreed to go; I think out of morbid curiosity. I'd never even been to my dad's house. I did want to see where he lived with his "real" family for 30 years. I wanted to see what could have been my life. It was 50 shades of loving awful. The grass hadn't been cut all summer. You couldn't get to the front door for the overgrowth. There were three pickup trucks in the yard; two were full of trash. Cabs and beds and backseats, just trash. Mail, clothes, paper, shoes, garbage bags. I couldn't understand it. My dad's handicapped-modified SUV was on four flats and full of garbage, too.

I didn't have a key, so I just walked around. From what windows I could look through, the inside was in shambles and hoarded to hell. On the front and carport doors were dozens of notices from the city that they were going to condemn the place. The carport was also hoarded. Boxes and boxes stacked on each other, most rotting from the rain. The yard was full of garbage. Broken Christmas ornaments, more shoes, rusted tools, old toys. There was a letter in the mailbox notifying him that since the house was abandoned, mail would not be delivered anymore. That night, I googled Powers of Attorney and how to use them.

I went back the next day and showed my (bedbound) dad the pictures on my phone. He vowed to "beat Shorty's rear end," then asked me to help more. I told him I would, but he'd have to sign Power of Attorney over to me. All of it, durable (financial) and medical. If he didn't, he could figure this poo poo out by himself. He agreed, so I set about finding a lawyer who would drive to another state and do the paperwork in the nursing home. Bless that lawyer for being so good at his job, because all I did was tell him what I knew, and he put together a beautifully bulletproof POA. It was full of stuff I didn't even know I would need. He also filed the paperwork to revoke Shorty's POA. And now I'm unstoppable.

We're from a small, rural town and it's the kind of creepy, landlocked place that, no matter how long you've been gone or how far away you've been, when you go back, you'll see someone you know. Even if you don't know you know them. It's like playing Seven Degrees of Everybody, all the time. It's suffocating. But it can also be helpful.

The beginning of the end:

I got to work the next morning. I didn't know how scorched the earth would be when I finished, and I didn't want Shorty or anyone from his prolific, inbred family trying to find me, so I made sure nothing I did had my name on it.

I opened a google account for my dad and got a google number. I opened a PO Box for him in his town. I put in a mail forwarding notice. I pulled his credit report. I took the POA to my dad's small town bank, changed the address on his accounts and got new account numbers. I requested copies of every transaction back to the day Shanty Wife had died (about 13 months worth). I had to go to the main branch, two hours from my house, the next day to pick the records up. I sat in the lobby all afternoon, going through the account. I cornered a service rep and got a crash course in his debits and deposits. This is when I figured out the extent of Shorty's staggering stupidity.

My dad got about $5K a month in disability and social security every month. Twice a week, Shorty was going INTO a branch and withdrawing cash. ALL of the cash. For 13 months. And every time he did it, as the POA, he had to sign a form stating that he was acting on behalf of my dad, and that form was notarized by the bank. I went through every withdrawal and got the bank to confirm that every one of them was made by Shorty.

Then I went to the house and called a locksmith. I knew it was bad, but I had no idea what was waiting for me there. He got the first door open, and the stench rolled out like a fog bank. We both gagged. Two locks later, I was so embarrassed by what he had to see and smell, I gave him a $60 tip. And, with shiny new keys in hand, I called the cops. I told them I was POA for my dad, was checking on his house, and there were three vehicles there that didn't belong to him. He asked me if I knew who they belonged to. I said no, and I wanted them towed. He told me to call a tow company and he would meet them there.

They showed up with two wreckers. The tow truck guy got out and asked me for a signature. I only signed my first name. As I was signing, he asked, "Do you know Shorty?" Running on pure hatred at this point, I surprised myself. "Do you?' I asked. He said he did, and that "...he's an rear end in a top hat." I responded, "He might be. Hey, can you do me a favor? If you see him, will you tell him MNWNM is coming for him?" His bravado evaporated. He knows a crazy bitch when he sees one. They towed the trucks.

When everyone was gone, I opened the door in the carport to peek in. The sun was going down and it was dark in the house. I heard something faint, and after some seconds realized it was the roaches and the rats doing their roach and rat stuff. I could smell it all in my hair.

I sat on the carport steps and watched the sun go down. I was mad. Just so loving cosmically LIVID that 72 hours was all it took to dissolve three decades and here I was, stinking and listening to the rats and cleaning everyone else's poo poo up. Taking time away from my family, and for what?

I had a coming-to-Jesus with myself; I could either bow out now, or double down. And the thing is, I'm tenacious. To a goddamn fault. I had to be to survive, and this was a bone I couldn't put down. The thought of Shorty's life being upended, his only source of income (probably) disappearing literally overnight, and my dad having to hear, second-hand FROM ME, that he's broke and alone, made me absolutely giddy. I desperately wanted them both to lose what they had left. So, I decided I was going to triple dog down. That night, I googled restraining orders.

And it was surprisingly easy to get one! I went to the courthouse in my hometown, went to the clerk's office, and told her I needed a restraining order. I filled the form in at a rickety little table while I was there. I wasn't prepared to see a judge that day, but she took the form and said "OK, I'll see if the judge is still here." That kind of scared me. She took me to his chambers, and as I was waiting, I looked around and saw he had certificates of appreciation hanging up from various veteran's groups. Then I wiped my palms and thought, "Fish in a loving barrel." He asked about my my dad's stint in the Marines, and about the DoD office logo on my sweater (I'm a contractor). He read my form and granted the temporary order. I would have to go back for the permanent one, where Shorty would be able to argue against it. Then I went home and googled biohazard companies and elder abuse statutes in my state.

I hired a biohazard company to shovel all poo poo out of the house for $7K. I would have paid double. They found my dad's mummified dog under some pizza boxes in the master bedroom. They sent me pictures and salvaged some papers. Shorty was served during this time, and a hearing was set. I got to work collecting and documenting poo poo. I made pictures and spreadsheets and timelines with cross references because gently caress it, now they had my full attention. (The paid versions of Truthfinder and Trello seriously got me through all this.) In my spare time, I went to the nursing home and gave my dad 8x10 copies of the pictures of his dead dog. From every angle.

Before court, I went to the police station nearby and told them I wanted to report an elder abuse crime. A "white collar" detective came out and told me it was a domestic matter and that since Shorty had been POA, everything he had done was legal.

And this was the day I got to teach a small town detective about the fiduciary responsibilities of a POA. Thanks google! I handed him a copy of the statute with the applicable sections highlighted. Then I handed him a thick folder with bank statements, pictures of the hoarded house and dead dog, a copy of my dad's credit report that showed he was tens and tens of thousands of dollars in debt, and a spreadsheet listing every cash withdrawal with a running total of the stolen amounts. The grand total was just over $130K in cash. That's not the including the lost value of the house or the credit cards he opened and used. I told him he could keep that folder since it wasn't the only one I had. Then I told him I would wait for a case number, and I sat down. He came back about 30 minutes later and apologized, said I had a case, and gave me a case number. Then I headed over to the courthouse.

This is the end:

There were other people there and I had to wait my turn. And while I was waiting, that stupid motherfucker schlepped his sloppy rear end into the courtroom, by himself and obviously, literally, non-metaphorically, dirty. His shoes were untied and that turned my giggle box over. Then it was our turn and we stood up. The (same) judge asked me some questions, asked him some questions, and asked me if I had any proof. I had a very thick folder of it. The judged asked me if I had gone to the police. Well yes, sir, I have. Do you have a case number? As a matter of fact... The order was granted, permanently and for life, but not before the judge halted proceedings and told Shorty he needed a lawyer.

Someone told me that the courthouse would have a copy of my dad's DD214 (discharge papers) so while I was there, I got a copy of those, because why not? I also used my POA to take Shanty Wife off the deed to the house. That way, if my dad died and it went into probate, Shorty had no immediate claim. I also went and got copies of my dad's birth certificate and Shanty Wife's death certificate. Technically, step children can't request that info, but the clerk who waited on me recognized my dad's name and told me she lost her virginity to my uncle Allen in the 60s, and went to my grandparent's funeral. So I got all the forms I wanted.

Shanty Wife left my dad $50K in life insurance. About $35K of that was left since Shorty was spending my dad's money and not his mom's. So I opened an Ally account and transferred every penny over. Then I set up recurring transfers for the monthly deposits. At any given time, there was no more than $100 in his account. I also found a house flipper that paid me enough for the house to pay off his mortgage. That's the thing about probate, there's nothing to fight over if there's nothing there. And I made sure there was loving NOTHING there. My dad died thinking he stilled owned a house.

Speaking of which, this is about the time I found my dad's life insurance policies. They were up to date, and Shanty Wife was the beneficiary. My POA didn't allow me to change beneficiaries, but it allowed me to assign them, and since Shanty Wife was dead, there was technically no beneficiary. This is where the death certificates came in handy! I assigned my sister and me as beneficiaries. Irrevocable, too, which means that the only way to change that is for my dad AND me AND my sister to agree to it.

I kept my dad in the dark about all this. The only thing he ever really knew about was the restraining order and his dead dog. I found out that he had purchased the gravesite next to Shanty Wife and wanted to be buried next to her. That was just never going to loving happen. I googled national cemeteries, and found out he qualified to be in one since he was a disabled Vietnam-era veteran. So I arranged for that, instead.

All the cherries on top:

My dad died in June this year and I was there. He's buried in a National Cemetery far away where no one will ever go visit him. The only obituary I ran was on the funeral home's website and that only for insurance purposes. I wrote it as vague as possible. There was no service. His urn is purple, the color he hated most.

I got a call in August from the prosecutor's office in my hometown. The lady on the other end is married to my first cousin because of course she is; that's how it loving works there. Shorty was arrested just after midnight on July 1st, was still in jail, and had been arraigned on felony elder abuse charges. He's facing 10 years in FPMITA prison. She told me not to expect the trial any time soon, as it can take up to three years for that to happen. I told her that was awesome since the uncertainty will hopefully haunt him. And after all that, he's still got prison to look forward to!

He lost his kids. He lost his "dad." I'm spending his mom's cancer money. He lost his free house and trucks. He has no credit and will never be able to get any sort of decent job and will, hopefully for a long time, not be able to find a decent place to live.

And I sleep like a loving baby.

# ? Nov 17, 2021 16:20

ranbo das: Oct 16, 2013

mllaneza posted:

tldr; do not gently caress with OP

Hell Hath No Fury Like Me Scorned (also posted on r/nuclearrevenge)

I don't care if it's real or not, that was worth the read

# ? Nov 17, 2021 16:36

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# ? May 29, 2024 20:54

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

mllaneza posted:

tldr; do not gently caress with OP

Hell Hath No Fury Like Me Scorned (also posted on r/nuclearrevenge)

the things hicks get up to

# ? Nov 17, 2021 17:16

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

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