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Dignity Van Houten posted:*claims to care about the planet* The trees are sustainable and already part of the carbon cycle so it's no big deal to toss them into a ditch every year because you can grow and cut them forever without adding to the global greenhouse gas budget. *Slams down empty mug of egg nog and snypes Dignity Van Houten into the Christmas tree* Outrail fucked around with this message at 04:08 on Nov 29, 2021 |
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Nov 29, 2021 04:06
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 22:11 |
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*Growing more drunk and angry that nobody has tried the ham I brought*
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Nov 29, 2021 04:19
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I make the whole family go to Ober Gatlinburg on Christmas Day!
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Nov 29, 2021 04:22
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Just an FYI, I made sure every gift label has a QR code link to Meredith's OnlyFans site. Bet you're glad you spent all that money on the Catholic school education for her and left me to rot, huh dad.
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Nov 29, 2021 04:24
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Full Metal Jackass posted:*Growing more drunk and angry that nobody has tried the ham I brought* Unironically this
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Nov 29, 2021 04:37
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Goes to a bar instead of the family party. Gets thrown out for getting drunk and violent. Wanders around until he sees a house with a nativity scene in the front yard. Spends 20 minutes yelling angrily and incoherently at the baby Jesus before dropping his pants and making GBS threads in the manger. Ends up in jail again because the homeowners called the cops.
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Nov 29, 2021 04:44
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Yaldabaoth posted:Goes to a bar instead of the family party. Gets thrown out for getting drunk and violent. Wanders around until he sees a house with a nativity scene in the front yard. Spends 20 minutes yelling angrily and incoherently at the baby Jesus before dropping his pants and making GBS threads in the manger. Ends up in jail again because the homeowners called the cops. calling the cops is totally gay.
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Nov 29, 2021 04:47
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Hey everyone, have you ever heard of this podcast called "The Joe Rogan Experience?" Like, it's this really cool podcast where a bunch of guys just talk about current events, things comedians do, health tips, and goofy things on the Internet. I've set up the house so that it plays the entire day and we can just drop in whenever. Looks like the first guest coming up is Alex Jones and followed by Gavin McInnes. Wonder what those guys are gonna talk about...
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Nov 29, 2021 08:44
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*gets everyone "Chuck Norris Joke of the Day Calendars"* You see on the Internet there are these things called Chuck Norris jokes! *Grabs the calendar from Grandpa Carl and flips to a page at random* "Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of rain!" Delightful!
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Nov 29, 2021 10:47
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"Die Hard" is actually the perfect christmas movie, let me explain
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Nov 29, 2021 12:01
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Hey, why didn't we see you at the church service last night? You didn't want to go? Oh. Because, I mean, you DO realize whose birthday today is, right? Jesus. Jesus Christ. And yet you couldn't take 3 hours out of your night to go to church and celebrate Him? Wow. No, no, I'm sure WHATEVER you were doing was more important than our Lord and Savior. No, no, it's fine. It's not me you should be apologizing to. It's Jesus. Hey, everyone? Can we take a moment here and sing a little song? Ready? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JESUS! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! Okay now, can someone turn Fox News on? Hannity is coming on.
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Nov 29, 2021 13:41
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mom and dad fight a lot posted:I ruined Christmas by coming out to my parents as straight. Ha, enjoy being forced to visit your father every other weekend even when you're in your 30's.
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Nov 29, 2021 14:07
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Heh heh, do you like the sweaters I got you? Do you see what they say? LET'S GO BRANDON! Just a little in-joke, you see. I also made a little donation in your name to President Trump's re-election campaign, that makes up for all that money you donated to abortions or BLM, Inc! No, you don't want to wear those sweaters, they are EXTREMELY flammable and I got light-headed when I put mine on for some reason. Probably that chemical smell.
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Nov 29, 2021 14:19
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Wow, kinda crazy that if you hadn't had that miscarriage your baby would be born like, this week. That's gotta be devastating, but hey, bright side is that you can have eggnog.
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Nov 29, 2021 14:40
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*puts playlist of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime, All I Want for Christmas Is You, and Dominic the Donkey on loop*
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Nov 29, 2021 15:03
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YeahTubaMike posted:*puts playlist of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime, All I Want for Christmas Is You, and Dominic the Donkey on loop* Oh hello, every local radio affiliate.
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Nov 29, 2021 15:11
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Refuses to burn a little black baby on the molochian altar to Jesus Christ and his prophet Donald Trump.
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Nov 29, 2021 15:32
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I'm wearing a zwarte piet sweater and trying to explain to everyone he is a positive figure while they try to change the subject. I bring it back up a couple more times that night. I eventually drunkenly fall into the fire.
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Nov 29, 2021 16:54
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*Shows up drunk screaming about Aliens.
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Nov 29, 2021 16:59
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For your gifts this year I've written a poem for each of you.
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Nov 29, 2021 17:04
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I hope you don't mind, but your Aunt and I brought the newest member of our family along! His name is Tom, he's 45, and we're now part of a throuple. Kids, do you know what that means? It means that Tom and I like to masturbate while your Aunt Linda hits us with a cat o' nine tails. What's a cat o' nine tails? Hey, Linda, open up your suitcase!
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Nov 29, 2021 17:04
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A Fancy Hat posted:I hope you don't mind, but your Aunt and I brought the newest member of our family along! His name is Tom, he's 45, and we're now part of a throuple. Kids, do you know what that means? It means that Tom and I like to masturbate while your Aunt Linda hits us with a cat o' nine tails. *Senile Grandma starts clapping*
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Nov 29, 2021 17:33
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Sorry kids, no communist revolution this year
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Nov 29, 2021 17:37
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*watches The Polar Express for the 3rd time in 24 hours* "No, we can't watch a different movie, you weren't paying attention before so you don't understand the significance of this ending. Let's watch it again. This time, pay attention."
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Nov 29, 2021 17:45
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"Hi mom and dad, I'm poly and I invited my other partners. All 5 of them will be in a few hours."
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Nov 29, 2021 17:48
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Full Metal Jackass posted:For your gifts this year I've written a poem for each of you. Have you ever had someone write a (good) poem for you? It feels really good. I would actually totally appreciate that.
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Nov 29, 2021 17:57
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I know we said "no presents" this year, but I had a really good year at the dealership and wanted to share the wealth a little bit. So go ahead, open up your presents! What is it? It's a plunger shaped like a shotgun, of course! And check this out, when you press this button it makes a gun noise! The next time I come visit you better have this in your bathroom or else I'll make a bunch of passive aggressive comments.
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Nov 29, 2021 18:03
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*Has a few warming glassed of mulled wine before going to cut down Christmas tree with one handed mini chainsaw* *After 9 hours, the surgeons save some of the leg*
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Nov 29, 2021 18:11
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"Hey sweetie! I got us NEW CARS! Just like those commercials!!! What? How are we paying for them? Well..."
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Nov 29, 2021 18:31
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Every chud in my family gets a vaccine needle in their stocking this year
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Nov 29, 2021 18:36
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Who the gently caress is "zwarte piet", I just wanted to look like a black guy this christmas. You got a problem with that?!
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Nov 29, 2021 18:42
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*shows up*
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Nov 29, 2021 18:43
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In this household we don't say the "merry C-word". It's either "happy holidays" or get the gently caress out.
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Nov 29, 2021 18:53
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Anyway what is the deal with airline food?
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Nov 29, 2021 18:56
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nothing particular, we just decided that it would be interesting to have airline food this christmas
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Nov 29, 2021 19:00
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Well, you may notice that I'm alone this year. Haha, it's fine. No, really, it's fine! Your Aunt Susie and I were just not a good fit, you know how it goes. We kind of grew apart as time went on and decided together that it was best to separate. But I mean, who knows! Maybe we'll get back together, time will tell! *after 3 drinks* 20 years of marriage, Jesus Christ. I'm 43, holy gently caress I'm old. All down the toilet because I said ONE thing, one stupid little thing. Oh my God I'm so dumb, I'm such an idiot. Do you... can somebody call her? Please, somebody call her and let her know how sad I am right now. But pretend I didn't ask you to do it. Please. Somebody. Oh God. *after 3 more drinks* You know what? gently caress her. She doesn't.... I'm a great guy. A great catch. I'm in good shape, I got a.... I'm employed. I have a house that I'll pay off in less than 30 years. I got a lot... I'm great. I'm ready to get back on that horse. Hey! Hey Eric, is that girl who answers phones at your office available? No... no, the one.... the redhead. She was there that one time I came by. You know! I always liked redheads and Susie REFUSED to wear that wig, gently caress... you know.... she's... she always did that. It was always about her, not me! So forget it. Get me... get me that redhead's number, I'm gonna call.... I'm calling her right now. *after 3 more drinks* Somebody PLEASE let Susie know I miss her, oh God my heart hurts so much. I'm gonna go lay down in your bed, okay? Just... wake me up if she comes by. Please don't let her leave without talking to me. For Christ's sake don't gently caress this up for me!
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Nov 29, 2021 19:13
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MEIN RAVEN posted:"Hi mom and dad, I'm poly and I invited my other partners. All 5 of them will be in a few hours." Dad: *blank stare* Mom: George, don't... Dad: *takes a sip of his 5th Tom Collins* Mom: George, I swear to god. Don't say it. Dad: *left eye twitches* Mom: Honey why don't we go into the liv.. Dad: HI POLY I'M DAD!!!
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Nov 29, 2021 19:33
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Lazyfire posted:Wow, kinda crazy that if you hadn't had that miscarriage your baby would be born like, this week. That's gotta be devastating, but hey, bright side is that you can have eggnog. Not nearly enough passive aggressive judgment. Needs to be more like “if only you had been a little more careful and hadn’t had that miscarriage…”
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Nov 29, 2021 20:35
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Lazyfire posted:Wow, kinda crazy that if you hadn't had that miscarriage your baby would be born like, this week. That's gotta be devastating, but hey, bright side is that you can have eggnog. oh, that's low! You know she's allergic to eggs!
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Nov 29, 2021 20:40
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 22:11 |
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*gets so drunk and riled up during the airing of the grievances that he tries to beat everyone to death with the festivus pole*
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Nov 29, 2021 20:42
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