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The entire office sings “Happy Birthday” to Dwight as they bring out his cake. After the song ends, Jim belts out and continues “AND MANY MORE, ON CHANNEL FOUR! AND SCOOBY DOO, ON CHANNEL TWO!” Most of the office smiles politely at Jim, with a tinge of awkwardness. “AND FRANKENSTEIN, ON CHANNEL NINE! AND A NAKED LADY, ON CHANNEL 80!” Their smiles begin to wane. “AND A BIG FAT HEN, ON CHANNEL TEN!” Realizing that Jim is just never going to stop, they turn their attention back to Dwight and continue his birthday festivities. Five hours later, after a very pleasant birthday celebration, Jim is leaning against the doorframe, taking in big gasps of air and sweating heavily as he continues singing raspily. “And a whale’s baleen… on channel 713… and a hulabaloo… on channel… 8022…” Dwight looks at Jim, sadly shaking his head in pity as he heads out to enjoy the rest of his birthday evening. Jim is about to mug the camera, but he passes out from oxygen deprivation before he can.
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Nov 23, 2021 06:39
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| # ? May 14, 2024 13:09 |
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Jim heads to the Scranton Maximum Security Prison and releases 3 of the most notorious criminals in Scranton's history. He paints a big 1, 2, and 4 on them. Jim cackles to himself, wondering how long it will take people to realize there's no "3rd" convict. "What does this have to do with Dwight?" asks Pam, sipping on her 9th margarita of the morning. Jim quickly rushes outside to try and salvage this prank.
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Nov 23, 2021 14:09
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Jim gets a cardboard box and fills it with angry Camel Spiders. Then he buys a flashlight and saws off the end of it, and cuts a hole in the box and puts the other side of the Fleshlight into the hole and seals it with duck tape. Then he Staples a blond wig into it and writes "Angela" on the sides with Sharpie. He places it next to Dwight's car and hides in the bushes, giggling to himself waiting for Dwight to try and gently caress it. Dwight sees the box but is confused and doesn't know what it is, he just gets in his car and leaves. Jim is mad and chases the car for a while before giving up and going back to the parking lot. He's so mad he forgot about his prank. He sees the box and smirks. "Hey Angela," he says. "I know Dwight never gives you what you need. How would you like to get with a real man?" He says. "I'd love that, Jiiiiiim, take me now!" He says to himself in a feminine voice. He grabs the box, pulls out his cell phone and prepares to take a video of himself cuckolding Dwight.
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Nov 23, 2021 15:40
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Jim finally finishes building a robotic short Jim, but it's been several months and he completely forgot what his original prank idea was supposed to be. Instead, he forces the tiny robotic replica of himself to act as a butler and servant around his house for several weeks. Short Jim rubs Jim's feet, does his laundry, cleans the bathrooms, washes the windows, and cooks breakfast. Jim basks in the new depths of superiority and domination he feels over the tiny robot that he built. Jim realizes that, with enough tiny Jims, he could build and run a factory that pumps out nothing but pranking supplies. Sadly, the strange prankelmy that led to Short Jim coming to life cannot be replicated, and Jim is unable to build another robot. Jim takes Pam out to dinner at Poor Richard's. After a few drinks, he says to her, "Hey, Pam. You know how I said we were done after CeCe and Phillip? Well, I changed my mind. I want more kids. A lot more."
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Nov 23, 2021 16:24
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Jim shows up to Schrute Farms at 3 am on Thanksgiving. "Dwight, please, I know it's short notice, but I need some beets and all the grocery stores are closed!" Dwight, kind as he is, offers Jim his pick of the beets. Jim greedily snatches a few dozen and places them in a large burlap sack he's brought. "Oh, well if you have beets. Do you also have any sugar? I need some of that, too." Dwight offers some sugar and Jim places it into the burlap sack. "Uh, this is kind of embarrassing, Dwight, but do you mind if I pick up a few more things? I'm supposed to cook dinner and I plum forgot!" The Schrute kitchen and storeroom are open to Jim, who eagerly dances around the house. His bag begins to bulge with his items, enough to make any kind of conceivable dish. As he hops around he begins to hum and whistle to himself. Dwight asks if there's anything specific he needs. "Nope, I think I'm finding it okay. Hey, can I borrow a change of clothes? That lazy-rear end Pam didn't do laundry and I need a clean shirt for today." He's beginning to grow slightly annoyed, but Dwight leads Jim upstairs and hands him a clean t-shirt. "Ugh, what is this, a graphic tee? No. Don't you have any polo shirts? Or, even better, Hawaiian shirts? Everybody likes those." Dwight does not, but offers Jim a nice button up shirt and matching khakis. Jim tosses it in his bag, which is now as large as he is, while muttering "fine, I guess". Jim begins staring at the lamp by Dwight's bedside. "Listen, Pam's grandma has some kind of hosed up eye thing. Can I borrow this lamp so she can see? Thanks a lot, buddy." Jim greedily tears the lamp off the table and tosses it among his other items. He looks at Dwight for a second, almost begins to speak, but then turns back and grabs the entire side table as well. This continues across the entire house, with Jim's burlap sack growing to an unbelievable size. He's unable to get it through doorways any more, and demands that Dwight "raise the roof on this bitch". When Dwight says he can't do that, Jim uses an axe to chop a hole in the wall and leaves through that. "Well, buddy, happy Thanksgiving or whatever! I'll get this back to you in a couple days, as long as my dumb kids don't piss all over it or whatever." Jim drags his bag slowly across the beet field and disappears over the horizon. "So he fell for it?" says Angela, who appears from behind a large tree. "He did indeed," says Dwight with a sly grin. "Didn't even question why I was just letting him grab everything he wanted. And didn't notice that my carpentry skills on this replica house were subpar at best in a few places." "You did great, D. It's not easy to build an entire fake house and furnish it overnight. Especially when you're coating everything with your explosive beet powder." "Thanks, monkey. Care to do the honors?" Dwight reveals a remote control from his pocket with a large red button on it. Angela declines and Dwight presses down firmly. Over the horizon, a massive explosion occurs. A tiny figure is launched into the air and disappears into the sky. If one was able to observe it with a telescope, they would notice the singed floppy hair. "Well, I think it's time to put the turkey in the oven. Happy Thanksgiving, monkey." Dwight and Angela embrace and head into their real home, which Dwight hid between an elaborate matte painting. Mose greets them at the door.
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Nov 24, 2021 17:54
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Jim ruins Dwight's Thanksgiving by hijacking Truckasaurus and crashing it through the front of Dwight's house.
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Nov 25, 2021 21:31
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“Hey Dwight, guess what?” Jim starts to tell Dwight as he sits down at his desk the day before Thanksgiving. “I struck a deal, and you’re gonna have a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! That’s right, ol’ Balloon Boy is gonna be a big balloon!” Dwight assumes that this is just Jim joking around, but the next morning, as he and Angela are preparing their Thanksgiving feast, he overhears Al Roker on the TV announce “And coming down Main Street now is Dwight Schrute from the hit documentary series ‘An American Workplace’!” Sure enough, Dwight sees an exaggerated caricature of himself floating in the parade. Dwight can’t help but smirk at Jim’s odd yet kind gesture, but as he looks closer, he begins to notice something is off about the balloon. The hair and skin look a little too real, and he could have sworn he saw the pupils in the balloon’s eyes retract. “Jim…” Dwight mutters to himself. “Who did you make a deal with?” The balloon bumps into a streetlight and gets punctured, a small tear forming on it. Blood begins to gush from the small opening.
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Nov 25, 2021 22:20
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jim comes to work wearing a garishly coloured and patterned shirt. as dwight attempts to close a sales call during a mid-morning ringround, he does his best to keep jim out of his eyeline, as the shirt is pretty eye-catching and distracting. despite dwight's best efforts, jim startles him by ramming a chef's knife into his back. as dwight screams in surprise and pain, jim yanks out the blade and plunges it into the hapless salesman again and again, blood gurgling from his wounds.
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Nov 25, 2021 22:57
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Jim teaches Dwight the true meaning of Thanksgiving by moving onto Shrute Famrs and nearly starving to death
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Nov 25, 2021 23:31
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:jim comes to work wearing a garishly coloured and patterned shirt. as dwight attempts to close a sales call during a mid-morning ringround, he does his best to keep jim out of his eyeline, as the shirt is pretty eye-catching and distracting. Dwight then loses the sale because the customer didn't like the screaming on the other end of the line. The call is transferred to Micheal who then transfers it to Jim, which closes the deal and receives a nice bonus for it. Meredith is taken to the hospital instead of Dwight.
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Nov 25, 2021 23:54
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Jim forgets what car Dwight drives so he cuts the brakes to every car in the lot. Dwight took the bus this morning because his car is in the shop because someone put a banana in the tailpipe yesterday. Jim tells him to have fun riding the bus like a poor person, hops in his car, and immediately gets tboned in an intersection because he has no brakes.
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Nov 26, 2021 01:56
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Lmao I love the poetic justice to jim ones the most
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Nov 26, 2021 02:19
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The Awesomesaurus posted:“Hey Dwight, guess what?” Jim starts to tell Dwight as he sits down at his desk the day before Thanksgiving. “I struck a deal, and you’re gonna have a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! That’s right, ol’ Balloon Boy is gonna be a big balloon!” this one is very good!!
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Nov 26, 2021 02:20
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Jim starts playing Christmas-themed pranks on Dwight before it's even Thanksgiving.
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Nov 26, 2021 17:31
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Jim walks into the tail end of a conversation Dwight is having with Kevin, and hears Dwight say "My favorite is Wings". "YOU LIKE WINGS DO YA!?" Jim asks, crazily. "Uhhh, Jim I really don't know how to answer", Dwight responds, a little wary this could lead to one of Jim's notorious pranks. Jim smirks at Dwight so hard his image reflects off his glasses and clearly visible in the camera. Jim isn't sure, however, if Dwight meant the food or the band. Talking to Kevin either would make sense. Dwight is watching the news the following night and the anchor has a grave face. "Paul McCartney, Denny Seiwell, and Denny Lane were murdered earlier tonight, suffocating on chicken wings that were force fed to them by some crazed, floppy haired madman". Dwight is shaken by this disturbing news and needs something to relax. He goes to his desk and pulls out his DVD box set of his favorite television show, Wings. No matter how bad things get out how down he is from Jim's pranks, the misadventures of Steven Weber and Tim Daly operating a small regional airline and learning how to form a family again always brings a smile to his face. He hits random, it's the one where Tony Shaloub gets married to Helen to get a green card. One of Dwight's favorites. He comes to work tomorrow happy and in a chipper mood. Jim leaves the office abruptly. There are further reports of bird attacks around the city. Not birds attacking people; one crazy man stabbing birds.
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Nov 26, 2021 19:10
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Jim comes home from work, eager to begin work on his next prank. He opens his prank account to see how much he has to work with, but discovers the account to be totally empty. He asks Pam if she knows what happened to all the pranking money. Pam tells Jim that she thought of the best prank ever, and he just needs to wait because it's really, really good (she promises). When the delivery arrives, it's just dildos. Thousands of dollars in dildos. Jim is very confused, but Pam assures him "Dwight hates when people buy dildos, and he hates even more when they do it without him ever finding out. So don't tell him or even hint at it, he hates that the most."
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Nov 27, 2021 23:38
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Jim tweets out a cry for help with balancing his budget but receives only mockery in response.
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Nov 28, 2021 20:38
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@floppysmirk Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Pranks $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying @balloonboy Spend less on pranks @floppysmirk no
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Nov 28, 2021 21:22
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It's Christmas and the office is doing Secret Santa. Dwight opens his gift: a bowling ball with the name "Jim" engraved on it. Jim mugs at the camera.
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Nov 29, 2021 14:40
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While driving to work, Dwight discovers a tiny bald eagle by the side of the road with a damaged wing. Dwight attempts to call animal control, but the eagle quickly bonds with him and decides to hang on to his shoulder. When animal control arrives, they remark that the best thing is to let the eagle remain comfortable with Dwight and give him the instructions on how to properly care for the bird and help treat its wing. Over the next 3 months, Dwight nurses the eagle back to life, eventually naming him "Little Champion" and coming to the tearful realization that they will eventually need to part ways once Little Champion is fully healed. In the office, Jim keeps trying to touch Little Champion, but is constantly screeched and clawed at by the animal. When Dwight explains that you can't touch most animals, an irate Jim vows revenge on the bird. That evening, Dwight finds Jim attempting to break into Schrute Farms with a large frying pan and a shirt that says "I LOVE EGGS". Dwight explains that Little Champion doesn't lay eggs, but a confused Jim just keeps pointing at his shirt. Little Champion, sensing distress, flies at Jim and viciously claws his face until Jim flees into the night. Dwight realizes that Little Champion is now fully healed and ready to begin his life in the outside world. The next day, he drives Champ out to a beautiful meadow where they used to chase each other and watch the clouds float by. Dwight tells Little Champion that he's free to roam the world now, on wings made of dreams and love. He tells his beloved bird to come by and visit him sometime, and to one day bring his children and grandchildren by. On some deep, primal level Little Champion understands all of this. He takes a graceful bow to Dwight and takes off into the air, swooping around in several tight circles as Dwight begins to cheer while tears stream down his cheeks. The next day, Jim shows up to work with a parrot he has named "Little Fucker". "Hey Dwight, look who has his OWN bird, now! One that actually produces eggs! Weird tasting, small eggs, but eggs all the same! And, get this, he can TALK!" "Squawk squawk TALK squawk squawk Jim why can't you get it up any more? Squawk squawk!" Jim turns beet red and quickly tries to shuffle out of the office with the bird. "Squawk squawk Jim you know 2 inches isn't normal! Squawk do you need me to to dress as Dwight again? Squawk squawk Jim we can't take a fourth mortgage out squawk!" As Jim is clawed by the unruly bird he's trying to force out the front door, Dwight looks out the window and sees a majestic eagle silhouetted against the morning sun. Dwight lifts a hand in greeting and, for just a moment, he swears the eagle lifts a wing back at him in recognition. "Squawk squawk Roy never had this problem squawk stop pretending we don't need therapy squawk squawk!"
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Nov 29, 2021 14:52
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While visiting the Scranton Wax Museum, Dwight is intrigued by a wax figure of "The Prankster in the Iron Mask". The figure reflects a near-legendary figure of British myth, a prankster in the early 1700s who was convicted of severely pranking dozens of innocent people, causing several deaths and many injuries. In a secret trial, he was found guilty and hung at the gallows, and his corpse presented to the general public as a message that the pranking was finally over. The identity of the prankster was apparently so shocking and dangerous to the safety of the British populace that he was clad in an iron mask that remained on him even after he was buried in an unmarked grave. The owner of the museum asks Dwight if he'd like to see behind the mask. Dwight laughs and says he sees no need to view a blank wax head. But the owner takes Dwight aside and quietly explains the reality to him. After the Prankster in the Iron Mask was buried, an artisan snuck into the cemetery and dug up the body, removed the mask, then quickly created a wax likeness before re-attaching the iron mask and re-burying the body. This wax figure is an exact copy of that first model, its visage an exact duplicate of the terrible prankster from centuries ago. The owner again asks if Dwight would like to see behind the mask, and this time Dwight says he would. After the mask is carefully removed, the wax likeness mugs for the camera.
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Nov 29, 2021 15:11
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Dwight has recently taken up a new-found fascination with American history. 'Just another thing to geek out about,' he chuckles to himself as he relaxes in his hammock on the farm on warm afternoon with a nice glass of beet wine and a book. A passing shadow, and another smile. It's Little Champion! Come for a visit. Dwight couldn't be happier to see his old friend. Suddenly, Dwight has a stunning idea and, even though it feels foolish, discusses it with Little Champion who, seems, interestingly enough to at least somewhat comprehend Dwights intentions. Or at least, that there's no harm in them... A couple of weeks go by, and all of Dwight's dreams have come to fruition. He's founded a Civil War re-enactment troop! Specifically, the 8th Wisconsin. Famously known as the 'Black Hat Brigade', wearing hats that would later come to symbolize today's Air Cavalry units, setting them apart from the normal infantry of the time, but MORE importantly, having a Brigade mascot known as Old Abe. A bald eagle that served with the men and even flew into battle with them and circled over head, even under fire!!! After the War, Old Abe would go on to live and serve in the Wisconsin Capitol building and attend many political events (though Dwight, I'm sure would be happier if Little Champion simply came to visit the farm once and a while). Dwight and Little Champion enjoy visiting schools and giving history lessons, and going to local parks and putting on parade drills with the full troop. Jim, observing a few of these events, grows extremely jealous of all the pomp and what seems to be fun times, especially the mock battles that Dwight and the guys get into. One day, as Little Champion soars, screeching overhead, Dwight fires his replica 1861 Springfield. Jim, dressed in a Rebel uniform as part of the opposing unit is hit in the sternum by the real minnie ball he loaded into Dwights cartridge before the battle and falls, mugging Little Champion above.
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Nov 29, 2021 15:42
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Dwight has been asked to film a gang resistance PSA for the local Scranton PD, to lend some of his status as a respected pillar of the community to the efforts. Dwight has already personally talked to several at-risk youths and steered them away from the lifestyle, so he agrees. The introduction features a slightly cheesy bit where Little Champion, the bald eagle that loves Dwight, lands on his shoulder while the American flag waves gallantly behind him. Dwight, a little embarrassed at the extravagant display, plays along. Jim is furious that the camera crew isn't spending the entirety of its time and resources watching him make faces about his boss, and decides to sabotage the production, permanently. He sneaks onto the set and replaces the blanks in a pistol with live ammunition. There is a scene later where Dwight is supposed to point a prop gun at Little Champion, who will "fall" when Dwight pulls the trigger as if shot. Jim watches from the shadows as Little Champion circles lower and lower. Dwight picks up the loaded pistol and points it at Little Champion. The bird lands on a perch, and Dwight pulls the trigger. There is a deafening bang and Little Champion falls to the ground. "CUT!" yells Michael Scott, who is somehow trying to direct the production. Dwight walks over to Little Champion, who is still lying on the floor. Jim runs over, smirking and grinning like a loon. "What's wrong, Dwight! Cat....uh... shoot your bird... tongue?" Dwight picks up Little Champion, who springs to life, completely unhurt, and flies into Jim's face, screeching and clawing at his eyes. Jim is chased out of the production. Dwight turns to look at Chips, who had been guarding the production, and warned everyone about the prank. "Thanks, buddy," says Dwight. Chips flips a pair of sunglasses on, and skateboards away to prevent another prank.
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Nov 29, 2021 16:05
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Jim buys a motorcycle and a leather jacket, then starts showing up work and mugging extra hard, seemingly in an effort to once again seem "cool". Oscar stands up, takes a deep breath, and begins to speak. "Cool, Jim? Was it cool when you strung Karen along for months and dumped her at the drop of a hat? Was it cool when you bought your parents' house without telling your wife, Pam, about it? Was it cool when you pestered Danny Cordray to explain why he didn't go on a third date with Pam? Actually, lets get back to Pam here for a second. And Pam, I apologize for this, but it needs to be said. Was it cool when you spent years pining for her, despite the fact that she was engaged? And I don't give a poo poo if it was a bad engagement or whatever, it's not your place to make that decision, Jim. Was it 'mondo cool' to kiss an engaged woman? Oh, and don't even get me started on what you've done to poor Dwight. You know that man has done more for this community than every billionaire in their ivory tower, but what do you do? You put his stapler in jello, Jim. You pretend to be a vampire. You hire an Asian-American man to pretend to be you. AND FOR WHAT? For what, Jim? Why do you do this? What do you get out of this? You're a sad, little man who spent the first half of his adult life pining for a woman who was already engaged. And then, once you got her, you became an insufferable prick to everyone else. You think I haven't been in love? You think Kevin hasn't been in love? We've been in love, Jim, you're not the first person to experience this emotion. Oh, and let's just take a break here to talk about your new business. Athlead? Or is it Athleap? You're a marketing firm for athletes, huh? Wow, very original, Jim. What's next? A pizza place? What a master of creativity we have here, let us all bow down the high and mighty Jim. Long may he reign! So Jim, forgive me if I'm a little skeptical of your new leather jacket. I didn't see you come in today, after all I get to work when I'm supposed to, but I have a feeling you have a little motorcycle parked out back. Probably a Harley? You're giving off some really strong divorced Dad energy, Jim. Which, pardon me for saying this, is probably the best possible path in life for you, so you don't end up raising two kids that somehow end up worse off than you." Jim stands silently for a moment and then slowly takes off his leather jacket, revealing a Big Dogs t-shirt that says "NEVER FORGET" with the titular Big Dog in front of the Twin Towers. Jim silently sits down at his desk and starts working. Oscar returns to accounting and hi-fives Angela and Kevin, with Kevin letting out a simple "nice" to voice his appreciation. The next day, Jim is found hanging from the ceiling over Dwight's desk. His voided bowels have leaked all over Dwight's belongings, and Jim's corpse smiles a glassy-eyes, toothy grin as it silently sways. Oscar quits on the spot, forever blaming himself for pushing Jim over the edge. Although a cleaning crew cleans up the mess left behind, Dwight swears the office still smells of death and finds it difficult to concentrate. He eventually leaves Dunder Mifflin and focuses full-time on the farm and charitable work, with Angela joining him just a few weeks later. Years later, Dwight attends a Dunder Mifflin reunion and the conversation eventually turns to Jim's public suicide. Oscar says he's joined a therapy group and is beginning to move on from what happened, realizing at last that Jim was a powderkeg of dangerous emotions that was bound to go off at some point. Pam, who has chosen not to attend the reunion, eventually moved far from Scranton, and remarried. All other traces of Jim are gone, his legacy of terror finally dead and buried. After the reunion, Dwight and Angela drive to the industrial park to see the old office one last time. When they do, they see a single light on in Dunder Mifflin's offices. Something is hanging from the ceiling and slowly turning. "Let's just go home, D. Before it starts again." As they head home to their children, Dwight and Angela try to forget all about Jim. But it's too late, he's already begun to take root in their minds. The thing hanging from the ceiling reaches a bony hand up begins to saw through the rope holding it aloft. It falls to the ground with a wet thud, slowly rises to its feet, and walks towards the door. It lets out a guttural wheeze as it does. "Balloon.... boy...."
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Nov 29, 2021 16:33
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Dwight's Bed and Breakfast is suddenly flood with dozens of bad reviews, all of them claiming that the rooms smelled terrible and that guests were waking up and finding their personal belongings had been rifled through. Dwight initially suspects Jim has been writing the fake reviews, but follows up with a customer and discovers that the customer did indeed have a bad experience. Dwight profusely apologizes and begins to make amends with all the reviewers, taking a massive financial hit in order to make things right. Lurking inside the walls of Dwight's home, Jim mugs for the camera and begins crawling towards another bedroom. "I figure after a few more weeks of this he'll have to lower the nightly rate, then I can FINALLY afford to get a night away from Pam and those annoying kids!" When the boom mic operator correctly notes that Jim's already been spending nights away in order to pull off this "prank", Jim lets out a massive fart and mugs again.
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Nov 29, 2021 18:12
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Dwight backs out of his driveway on the way to work after the long Thanksgiving holiday. Almost as soon as he starts rolling, the Trans Am lurches and it’s rear bumps up and over something, accompanied by a bloodcurdling scream. Dwight leaps out of the car and finds that Jim laid down just behind the rear wheels and has been run over, shattering both of his legs. Jim explains that he’d forgotten about the Thanksgiving Holiday break, so he’d come and laid down behind the car last Wednesday night, but Dwight hadn’t gone to work the next day. Jim had just stayed laying under Dwight’s car, hoping that Dwight would drive to work on Friday, but he didn’t. Jim decided to just stay under the car in case Dwight drove anywhere during the weekend, but he didn’t. So finally, now, Monday morning, Dwight finally started to drive to work and Jim says that the cold, and hunger, and lack of a bathroom were all worth it. Dwight asks Jim if Pam knows where he is, or if she’s going to be worried that he didn’t come home for five days. Jim asks Dwight to just place him in the passenger seat and go to work, where he’ll explain the whole thing to her. Dwight picks Jim up and carefully places him in the car, then buckles it. As he sits down behind the wheel, he pauses, thinking. “So, Jim: what was the actual prank for Thursday supposed to be? Just that… I’d run over your legs with my car?” Instead of answering, Jim just smiles vacantly and looks at the camera.
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Nov 29, 2021 18:32
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As the final ship leaves Scranton Harbor, Dwight wearily looks back at his hometown. It's a shadow of its former self, now flooded with toxic water. Plumes of acrid smoke rise from the tops of the tallest buildings, now barely peeking through the poisonous lake that surrounds them. Strange bird-like creatures flit from rooftop to rooftop, letting out cries that sound like the screams of the damned. Dwight takes a long drag on his cigarette and stares. There's the top of his beet silo, now barely visible. Something with 9 spindly legs crawls across the top, pauses for a moment, and then dives into the water. "You did all you could, Dwight," Michael Scott pats Dwight on the back with his left hand. His right arm's mechanical parts whine and whirr. "Nobody could have expected this. This is end of the world poo poo, my friend." "Yeah, but I'm Assistant Regional Manager of this crew. I should have done something earlier. Should have seen this coming." "Assistant TO the Regional Manager, Dwight. You did your best. We all did." Michael stands next to Dwight and watches the sun set over the horizon. "Michael, I'm sorry we couldn't save the office. I know that place meant a lot to you, back in the day." "It's still up here," Michael points one mechanical finger at his head, tapping on the metal plate that covers half his skull. "where it counts. Jim can't destroy it up there." "Ohhhh reallly?" comes a shrill voice from everywhere at once. "Christ, he survived the plasma dump? 3000 lbs of it?" Michael begins to panic, but it's too late. Jim has gotten into T.O.B.Y. (Totally Organic Bio psYlink) , the experimental AI used to coordinate missions. Michael curses himself for the poor acronym, admitting that he just couldn't resist naming it in Toby Flenderson's honor. Alarms start to sound all over the ship and the rest of the crew has begun to panic. Kevin races to the deck in his hover-scooter and asks what's going on. "Jim. Jim has returned." Kevin involuntarily vents his hover-scooter, spilling chili everywhere. In the air, one of the bombing ships has begun to turn around, returning to Scranton. Michael quickly tries to reach them via T.O.B.Y. "Stanley? Stanley, what are you doing? Are you in a diabetic coma? Is this a black thing? Turn the ship around NOW!" It's no use, the bomber is now hovering over the flooded town of Scranton. The bomb bay doors open and Michael, Kevin, and Dwight prepare for the worst. A strange yellowish white powder begins to drop, massive quantities of it. "My olfactory sensors indicate that this is... lemon?" Kevin remarks, quizzically. Dwight grimaces, he knows that this is. As the powder hits the poisonous lake the transformation begins. The cloudy water becoming more solid, slightly more yellow. The disgustingly sweet lemon scent wafting over everything. One of the bird-creatures is caught in the water mid-transformation and struggles against it, unable to free itself. It eventually resigns itself to its fate and lies motionless in the substance. "Jell-o," says Dwight as he lights another cigarette. "Of course it would be jell-o." Deep inside the bio-mechanical mesh that forms the basis of T.O.B.Y., the essence of Jim mugs for the camera.
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Nov 29, 2021 19:43
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Jim, Dwight, and Oscar easily convince Michael that instead of doing a more traditional holiday play for the families of the Office staff, instead it would be more fun and engaging for everyone to do a Star Trek The Next Gen. LARP. There is much debate. Some of it is fairly heated. But in the end it turns out to be pretty good natured and the scene is settled upon. A stunning amount of make-up work is done on Oscar, and Dwight is ready for his role as Capt. Picard. Using 'stunning' special effects, Jim uses a snare drum and some shimmering glitter tape and a hair dryer to 'transport' 'Capt.' Dwight 'Picard' down to 'El-Adrel IV'. "My BUTT at YOUR NARDS, DONCHA WANNA?!" shouts Jim, after pulling his tights down and pulling his rear end cheeks apart in time to mimic the now classic speech. "No, Jim. C'mon. I just.." "MY BUTT. AT YOUR NARDS. DONCHA. WANNA." Screams Jim, now brandishing a knife.
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Nov 29, 2021 19:56
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After work, Dwight invites everyone out to Poor Richards to relax. Everyone agrees, but Jim starts to pout and frown. "Not Poor Richards!" says Jim, sulkily, "That's Roy's favorite place. I'm not going if Roy might be there!" Dwight says, "Look, it's just a casual thing. You don't have to-" Jim starts to cry, so Dwight quickly suggests Louie Volpe's restaurant, a great Italian place with a nice bar and wide wine selection. Jim replies that he hates "yucky food" and "wine is gross" "Fine," says Dwight, rubbing his temples, "then where do you want to go?" "APPLEBEES!" shouts Jim, happily. Everyone groans, but Jim won't budge and they all end up going to Applebee's. Three months later, Jim drives past the now empty building that once housed Louie Volpe, the town's sole remaining local restaurant. He turns to mug the camera.
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Nov 29, 2021 20:02
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Jim uses the Stone of Asthut to summon the most powerful pranksters in history. Ben Franklin, who once predicted a "friend's" death in his Almanac, then claimed the man was an impostor after the date came and went without a visit from the Grim Reaper. Red Stone Floppy Hair, a Neanderthal who delighted in placing animal carcasses where his clan members planned to sit. Thomas Edison, who enjoyed pranking his coworkers at Western Union by wiring batteries to various objects to shock them. The Unknown Prankster of 45 BC, who delighted in replacing Cleopatra's expensive makeups with various "gross" items. And Ronald Reagan, who played the ultimate prank on the United States. Reagan is the first one to step forward to Jim. "Well, mommy, who are we going to prank now? Why have you summoned us from the darkest regions of the abyss?" "Stone of Asthut, huh? More like Stone of rear end SUCK if you ask me. But beggars can't be choosers, I suppose. Gentlemen, I've summoned you here to prank Dwight K Schrute." The pranksters murmur amongst themselves for a while before Thomas Edison finally steps forward. "Sorry, can't happen. Dwight has divine protection. Our spectral hijinks won't affect him. Perhaps we could prank, oh let's just say... Kevin? He reminds me a bit of an elephant I once electrocuted." Edison involuntarily licks his lips. Red Stone Floppy Hair lets out a bark of agreement and Reagan has begun talking to a painting on the wall. Ben Franklin begins turning the lights on and off and Jim realizes things are falling apart. The Unknown Prankster is defecating in the corner. "Okay, you know what? Forget it. This was a bad idea, let me just cancel the summoning and call this a wasted day." Jim lifts the stone up again to try and cancel the summoning. Reagan reaches a powerful hand out and stops him. "Oh no, pal. I might have ignored one of my best friends as he died of AIDS, but I'm not going to ignore this. You summoned us, give us a target or else we'll just have to prank you. In fact, " he looks around the room, "I think pranking you sounds pretty good right now." The pranksters all turn their attention to Jim, who begins to scream and rush for the door. Reagan holds on tight and soon Ben Franklin joins him. "No pains without gains, Mr. Halpert. You'd do well to remember that. Red Stone Floppy Hair, would you care to handle the first prank?" The Neanderthal lets out a grunt of understanding and approaches Jim, his hands filled with something red, wet, and dripping. Edison lets out an involuntary giggle of pleasure and leans in close to Jim, his rancid breath filling Jim's nostrils. "Oh, Mr. Halpert, we have such pranks to show you!" Miles away, dozens of birds take flight at the sound of a distant scream, almost imperceptible to humans . Dwight looks outside and sees them cover the sky for a moment, then settle back down again.
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Nov 29, 2021 20:18
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jim leaves a flaming bag of dogshit on dwight's porch. when dwight emerges to stamp on the fire and put it out, jim - piloting an A10 warthog on an ideal attack vector - fires off a blast of 30mm shells, annihilating all buildings of Schrute Farms and much of the surrounding countryside dwight and the camera crew are at this point a fine red mist. jim mugs the fine red mist.
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Nov 29, 2021 20:28
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Jim hands Dwight a stack of papers with a drawing of Dwight on it. When Dwight flips the pages, they animate into the cartoon Dwight being hit on the head with a sledgehammer from a floppy-haired scribble behind him. Dwight quickly looks over his shoulder, but is relieved to see nothing behind him. But when he looks down at his hands, he discovers that the paper was coated in sulphuric acid which is eating through his arms
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Nov 29, 2021 20:41
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An aged Dwight, eager to end the ever-escalating prank war with Jim, agrees upon a heart-breaking compromise. Dwight turns over his child, Beetrum, to Jim. In exchange, Jim gives Dwight his newborn son, Sir Pranksalot. The uneasy peace treaty is forged from this and Dwight and Jim return to pre-The Office levels of aggression. As time goes on, the children grow into men. Dwight fully embraces Jim's son, renaming him Aldrich and teaching him the ways of beet farming, paper sales, and Battlestar Galactica. Jim, wicked to the end, imprisons Beetrum deep in the "Prank Pit", a seemingly inescapable prison designed for physical, mental, and spiritual torture. As Beetrum grows, so too do his skills, and he eventually escapes from the Pit and returns to Schrute Farms. Jim watches all of this with a twinkle in his eyes, realizing that Beetrum's escape has voided the pact, allowing Jim to resume pranking Dwight. "Pam, it seems that our day has finally arrived. Unseal the Pranking Zone and make ready my royal transport, we invade Schrute Farms at dawn." "Jesus, Jim, can't you talk like a human being? If you want me to open the garage and start the van, just loving say so. You're in your 60s now, grow up. The cops came by earlier and were wondering if you kept some kid inside the septic tank. Christ, Jim, we talked about this. You're in a lot of trouble if that's true." Jim mugs for the camera.
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Nov 29, 2021 20:53
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Now that they are both retired, an aged Jim comes to Dwight’s small retirement condo and Reveals the Greatest Prank: there was no documentary. “The American Workplace” was one of Jim’s original, and by far longest running, pranks. “Isn’t it great, Buddy?” Jim asks, “All of those times we went into the conference room and gave heartfelt confessions, all the trials and tribulations of our life? They never aired! The footage is rotting away somewhere!” Dwight is confused. What about the camera crew? The memorial and the fans who showed up? “Actors! I paid them all! There was no show!” Dwight is silent for a moment. “Where did you get the money for all that?” asks Dwight, “I know how much you made. It wasn’t enough to pay for full time salaried camera crews.” Jim stand up, dumping all of Dwight’s candy bowl into his pants, “Oh, I was born rich. I’m an heir to the Scranton Railroad fortune. I never needed to work. The whole thing was just another pranks! Well, smell ya later!” Jim leaves, as Dwight contemplates this new information silently. What does it all mean? Who is Jim? Jim also left an upper decker in Dwight’s toilet.
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Nov 29, 2021 21:07
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Jim hires a bear to attack Dwight in the parking lot.
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Nov 29, 2021 22:58
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Jim hires a stranger to meet Dwight in the Alps.
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Nov 29, 2021 23:07
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Jim plays the Eagles on his car radio even though Dwight hates the fuckin' Eagles, man.
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Nov 29, 2021 23:19
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Serge Painsbourg posted:Jim plays the Eagles on his car radio even though Dwight hates the fuckin' Eagles, man. Dwight plays the Eagles on his own car radio because Little Champion loves them.
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Nov 29, 2021 23:22
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Dwight plays the Monkees on his own car radio because Chips loves them.
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Nov 30, 2021 00:39
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| # ? May 14, 2024 13:09 |
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Using his mastery of Taoist sorcery, Jim turns Dwight into a jiangshi.
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Nov 30, 2021 04:22
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