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Cold open: footage of the Scranton office getting ready for Christmas. Jim (in VO): "Every year at Dunder Mifflin, we do Secret Santa and every year, I'm Dwight's Secret Santa." Cut to Jim on breakroom cam. "Secret Santas are supposed to be randomly assigned, but every year I find out who has Dwight for Secret Santa and swap with them. They started charging me money to swap because they know I want it so bad. It's ah... it's getting pretty pricey. This year Creed was Dwight's Secret Santa and he wanted two hundred bucks. I was able to talk him down to seventy-five, but still..." Jim sucks air through his teeth. "It's totally gonna be worth it, though, because I found this little guy." Jim holds up a nutcracker puppet to the camera and clicks the wooden jaws a few times. Cut to the Secret Santa exchange. Dwight's gift rests on top of a lumpy black blanket. Jim is nowhere to be seen. Dwight lifts the lid of the gift and the nutcracker puppet leaps out and latches onto Dwight's balls with a sickening crunch. Dwight howls in agony. He tries to break away but Jim's grip is too strong. The two tumble on the ground, crushing several presents and knocking over the tree. Jim throws off the blanket and tosses it over Dwight's head to make good his escape, shoving the cameraman aside as he dashes for the exit. Jim on breakroom cam: "Totally worth it." Later, Jim gaslights Dwight about who was under the blanket as Dwight never technically saw Jim's face.
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Dec 7, 2021 17:27
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| # ? May 14, 2024 10:48 |
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"HAPPY HOLIDAYS!" screams Jim as he kicks Dwight, full force, in the testicles. "I got you the best gift of all, the freedom from ever having children! Merry Christmas!" It is March 17th. Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight passes out.
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Dec 7, 2021 17:55
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It’s the night of Christmas Eve, and as Jim lays in bed, he’s awoken by the sound of someone walking on his roof. He heads outside and yells at the intruder, who loses his footing and tumbles off the roof onto the snow below. Jim realizes that it’s none other than Santa Claus, who is now dead! Relishing at this opportunity, Jim removes Santa’s suit and boots from his corpse and puts them on, officially granting him the title of Santa Claus. He climbs up a ladder to the roof, where he immediately hops into the sleigh and commands the eight reindeer to take off. Children throughout the world are in tears as they wake up Christmas morning and run to their trees, only to find find their favorite toys encased in Jello, poop inside their wrapped presents, among other heinous pranks. Santa Jim goes on TV to announce that he’s canceling Christmas forever, and from now on December 25th will be Pranksmas. Dwight and Angela have to explain to a sobbing Phillip why he’s not going to get presents from Santa anymore. Santa Jim secretly watches this occur from their window, and turns briefly to mug for the camera.
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Dec 7, 2021 18:30
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Jim gives Dwight a tiny key for Christmas. "Merry Christmas Dwight!" Jim then jumps out the window, dying on impact. Dwight initially considers throwing away the key, but slowly becomes obsessed with discovering its secrets. He asks Pam if he can search their house for a lock, but a furious Pam is still heartbroken and blames Dwight for Jim's erratic behavior and death. Dwight instead tears apart Jim's desk but finds nothing. Growing more frustrated and more sure that the key must unlock something inside the Halpert house, Dwight takes a sick day and sneaks over while Pam is at work. "Jim's done the same thing to me a thousand times" Dwight says to himself, a weak justification, but enough for him to commit as he picks the lock and enters the front door. Dwight carefully takes apart the house, searching for a door or locked object, but finds nothing. The hour grows late and, fearing Pam will return soon, Dwight quickly replaces everything he moved and sneaks out of the house. Pam is none the wiser. Dwight overhears Pam talking about an upcoming vacation and takes the opportunity to again break into her house, convinced that the week-long vacation will give him ample time to locate the hidden item. An entire day of searching finding bears fruit as Dwight finds an entire hidden room, the doorway concealed behind a thin layer of plaster. Dwight eagerly chips away at the wall, freeing the door. Cautiously slipping the key into the doorknob, Dwight feels his heart racing. His mind flits about, wondering what treasures might be behind the door. He slowly turns the key and hears the satisfying click as it unlocks. Grasping the doorknob and turning, Dwight pushes the door open. The room is dusty and dark, with a musty smell that lingers over everything. Dwight pulls out his pocket flashlight and passes it over the room. Yellowing wallpaper with a flower pattern adorns the walls. The sparse furniture (just a small table and chair) seem to be homemade and poorly constructed, Dwight can see splinters and chipped and peeling paint. In one corner is a coatrack, with a blue shirt and black tie hanging on it. Dwight swears he's seen Jim wear it before, but this room looks like it's been untouched for decades. Suddenly, the door slams shut behind Dwight and he can hear the lock snap into place. Frantic, Dwight starts pounding on the door, yelling for help. After a few minutes, Dwight tries kicking down the door to no avail. He tries smashing the table and chair against the door then, but they shatter into pieces, leaving the door undamaged. Dwight yells for help again, hoping someone will hear him. Finally, after what feels like hours, he has screamed himself hoarse. "I'm glad it was you, Dwight." comes a voice from the other side of the door. It's muffled but familiar. "Pam? Pam, please, I can explain! Jim gave me this key and I had to know what it did. I just had to! So I came here and I found this room. But it's just me, okay? It's just Dwight!" Pam starts humming and Dwight recognizes the tune. Then she starts singing and Dwight fears for his life. "You don't spit into the wind. You don't pull the mask of that old lone ranger. And you don't mess around with Jim." Three days pass until Pam approaches the door again. She lightly knocks on the door and asks if anyone's ready to come out. There's a quiet "yes" and Pam opens the door. Out walks Jim. The blue shirt and black tie is missing from the corner coatrack, now adorning Jim's tall and lanky frame. Pam and Jim hug. "I missed you so much, Jim! Now, what should we do with the rest of the day?" Jim's face twitches and he starts sweating. "Could we volunteer at the soup kitchen? I heard toys for tots needs some -" A slap across the face from Pam. Jim's eyes begin to water and a red mark quickly rises on his cheek. He winces away from her. "I mean... let's just walk around town and make fun of people! And let everyone know how great we are! Then, a date at Chili's where you can have as many drinks as you want!" Pam stares, coldly, for another moment then quickly gets a huge smile on her face. She hugs Jim again. "Good boy! Good Jim! You're always going to be my good little husband, right? You'll never leave me, because you can keep coming back to me no matter what! That's true love, two people who can defy time, space, and even death to be together!" "That's right," says Jim, weakly, "I'm not going anywhere. Never ever." He mugs for the camera but seems distracted.
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Dec 7, 2021 19:37
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Jim dons a Santa costume, and stuffs a red sack with a bunch of presents (encased in Jello inside their packagin, of course) for Dwight's family. In the evening of December 24th, Jim climbs up the roof of Schrute's Farms farmhouse, and lies in wait until the time comes, when he will climb down the roof and deliver his pranksents. Just before midnight, however, a snowstorm starts raging around Scranton, also hitting the surrounding suburbs and rural areas, Schrute's Farms included. When he stands up, Jim loses his footing and slips on the ice and snow-covered roof, falling down behind the house. Unfortunately, he lands head-first on a rock, killing him instantly, with the storm soon after burying his corpse under snow. His body was found only days later, as the storm picked up in intensity and lasted much longer than usual. When Dwight finds the body, he calls the police which are immediately suspicious of him, and Dwight is arrested on some fabricated evidence. Jim's corpse mugs the camera he installed in his casket. Pam didn't notice his absence all these days because it was nothing unusual for her.
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Dec 7, 2021 20:02
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Jim brings a new friend into the office with him. It's BORAT? Very nice! Dwight is mad that Jim hired famous actor Sascha Baron Cohen to play one of his characters to troll him, but he turned on his tv and sees a live press conference with Sascha Baron Cohen happening right now in California. He turns off the tv and goes to ask Jim what the hell is going on. If he kept watching, he would have found out. Sascha Baron Cohen conducted a ritual to purge negative aspects of his personality from his body, and is warning the country that his personae of Borat, Bruno, and Ali G have separated from him into their own sentient and corporeal forms. "I am for making magnificent movie film of American office life for my country!" Borat shouts as he fires a special beam cannon through Dwight's heart.
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Dec 7, 2021 23:42
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As an act of magic, Jim encases HIMSELF in Jell-o on live Television. Over the next seven years, the Jell-o eats Jim. A brain stem sends a signal for a smirk down frayed nerve endings, but no response is received.
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Dec 8, 2021 01:16
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jim beats dwight unconcious with a gnarled length of oak wood. there are no witnesses, and as jim approached from behind, dwight doesn't even know his assailant is jim. it's not a particularly great prank, as things go, and it takes years of gruelling physiotherapy before Dwight can walk again, which cuts down the scope for other pranks during this time. jim mugs the camera for some reason
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Dec 8, 2021 01:45
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For Michael’s potluck Christmas dinner party, Dwight brings a delicious smoked turkey, garnished with his famous, homemade beet relish. “YOU’RE the TURKEY, Dwight!”, says Jim, mugging at the camera.
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Dec 8, 2021 02:26
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Jim stands up in the middle of the workday, declares that he wants his head to be buried in Dwight’s casket, shoots Dwight and then himself. Three days later, a letter postmarked from the day before the murder/suicide arrives at the office. Michael opens it and reads aloud, “Jeez, talk about dying to get ahead, am I right? Mug camera.” Michael reads the stage cue out loud, but doesn’t look at the camera.
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Dec 8, 2021 02:37
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Jim zaps Dwight with a gag aging-beam that ended up being real, aging him 50 years in an instant. Now with the physical body of a 93 year old, the proud, strong Dwight could barely carry his body from his wheelchair to his bed. Feeling a pang of guilt, Jim and Pam go to visit Dwight at Scranton Nusing Home and Hospice Care where his health is rapidly failing him. At his bedside, Jim looks down at a resting Dwight. Dwight's breaths are labored and raspy, his mouth agape and lips curled inward- dry and cracked. Purple circles the size of half-dollars surround his deeply sunken eyes which stare, unblinking, towards the ceiling. Pam turns and runs from the room, weeping with her head in her hands at the sight of her former coworker. Jim stands silently, still observing Dwight. After several moments of nothing but the sounds of a vitals monitor and Dwight's increasingly labored breaths, Jim leans in next to Dwight's ear. "You were right, Dwight. I did put your stapler in the Jell-O," he whispers. Dwight's eyes widen madly, and he gasps one final, desperate breath. The monitor flatlines as nurses rush into the room with a crash cart. Jim mugs the camera.
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Dec 8, 2021 03:19
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On board the USS Beet, Captain Dwight T Schrute receives information that they've received contact from a planet previously thought uninhabited, or perhaps only sparsely and by a non-Dunder Drive capable society. He looks over the reports and speaks to his capable command staff, deciding in the end that he and a small party will beam down to ensure friendship between their two cultures if at all possible. He has strictly gone over the earnest and important demand of the Prime Directive with his crew and knows they shall do their best. Beaming down to the planet, the team quickly locates and makes contact with the locals, who, while friendly enough, are clearly quite primitive in comparison to the crew-members and are awed by their appearance, uniforms, and what limited glimpses of the technology they wield. Aside from that, the team from the Beet spend about a full day building a fruitful and trusting relationship while not directly altering the local culture or attempt to influence them in any way, only to learn more of their world. In the end, they assure the people that other ships will come and, if they are willing, can greatly assist their society. "No," the council of locals tell them, "We thank and respect you and your kind offer, you are most generous. However, our people are still recovering from deep, ancient wounds, and this time is needed for us to recover, rebuild, and rediscover our OWN culture, ways, and sciences. May you go in peace and live long." Grateful for the hospitality, and respectful of the sentiment, Capt. Schrute and the away team beam up from the planet. Hours later, on the bridge, Lt. Jim pipes up, "Hey Beet Boat Captain, check this out" and whips out his Mifflin-corder, with an image on the screen. "Lt., What am I seeing here?!" states Dwight firmly while taking in the image. On the screen, it shows a single stapler, encased in Jello, set on an alter covered in runes. Behind it there's a familiar figure. It's Chips. "Haha, yeah I just left them there. What a mindfuck, huh?" Jim mugs to the viewscreen.
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Dec 8, 2021 15:02
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Jim collapses on the floor in the middle of the office, moaning in obvious pain. Dwight quickly rushes into action and notices a huge bulge on Jim's stomach, possibly the root of the problem. Dwight tears open Jim's shirt and finds that Jim has taped a wad of cotton there. Jim instantly stops moaning in pain. "Haha, gotcha Dwight! I'm not sick at all, and you owe me a new shirt!" Dwight pays Jim (it's a $300 shirt, so this stings Dwight quite a bit) and continues on with life. A few weeks later, Jim collapses again. This time he's moaning and also muttering "I swear I'm not lying this time!" Dwight tears open his shirt again, this time finding another wad of taped cotton. "Haha Dwight, gotcha again! And this shirt costs even more, it's an Ed Hardy original!" This continues for nearly 5 months, with Jim regularly collapsing to the ground, moaning in pain, commenting that he is definitely not making it up, then revealing the ruse and asking Dwight to buy him a new shirt. Dwight finally decides that Jim is lying and, as much as it pains him, vows to not help him any more. A few days later Jim collapses on the ground, moaning in pain with a massive lump on his stomach. "Dwight, please! I swear, this time I'm not lying! I'm really in pain!" Dwight continues working as Jim writhes on the floor, screaming and moaning. Suddenly there's a wet popping noise and Jim's shirt is coated in dark blood where the lump used to be. Jim lets out a moan and passes out. Dwight rushes into action and tears off Jim's shirt, this time finding a popped water balloon filled with food coloring. "Wow, you're really dumb, Dwight! Once again, I have outsmarted you. You stupid rear end in a top hat, you dumb piece of poo poo hick farmer bastard. Ugly piece of human garbage, goddamn balloon boy over here thinking he needs to help me. Can you believe this guy? And now, once again, you owe me for a new shirt. What is that, 19 shirts? How the hell can you afford to keep doing this, you moon-faced gently caress?" Dwight forks over the money and goes back to work, secretly enraged at Jim for exploiting his kindness. The entire day, Jim taunts Dwight and celebrates, eventually performing a choreographed dance routine on his desk with Pam playing the kazoo to accompany him. Once 5 o'clock hits, Dwight heads home to feed Little Champion before it gets dark. Jim is in the parking lot, still dancing. Suddenly, a large piece of pipe erupts from the sewer and slices through Jim's midsection, bisecting him and killing him instantly. Jim's upper half falls onto the parking lot amid the screams of Pam, while his legs take 3 jaunty steps before crumbling to the ground in a heap. Dwight doesn't hear or see any of this, his frustration with Jim has caused him to turn the radio up exceptionally loud today to try and relax. Pam screams Dwight's name from the parking lot to no avail and forever curses him for "turning his back on Jim in his time of need". She futilely tries to put Jim's halves together, coating herself in blood and viscera. Coated in slick blood, she drops Jim's upper half again and it slides under a rental van that's been sitting in the lot for days. Pam tries to fish him out with a long branch she breaks off a tree, but she just ends up slicing up his face. A Fancy Hat fucked around with this message at 19:59 on Dec 8, 2021 |
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Dec 8, 2021 19:57
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Jim pranks Dwight by pouring itching powder down his back, and it's the last straw. After years of abuse, Dwight stands up for himself, calling Jim out as a bully in front of the entire office. To Dwight's surprise, Jim agrees. He asks, wouldn't you like to get a little revenge? Dwight usually isn't one to hold a grudge, but the fury is still fresh in his mind. Why sure, why not get a little revenge. Jim leads Dwight back into the annex, where he has constructed a time machine. He punches exact coordinates, and a green glowing portal opens up in the middle of the room. Jim hands him a whoopee cushion, and instructs him to put it on the yellow chair. Dwight nods and steps into the portal. Dwight is in a classroom, it's hard to say when. It's empty; No students, no teacher. His eyes fix on a yellow chair. Just as he places the whoopee cushion on it, the school bell rings. Dwight hides in the closet. The entire class bounds in, happy and full of energy from recess. Last of all comes a sickly boy, pale and frail, with a familiar mop of unkempt hair. As he pulls out the yellow chair, a look of horrible realization spreads across Dwight's face. "No!!!" he screams, breaking open the closet door, but it is too late. Young Jim has already sat down, and the noise of a fart has erupted from beneath him. The whole class laughs at Jim, their punching bag, and hot tears of embarrassment streak down his face. "Nooooo!!!" Dwight screams again, and Jim looks up. "It was you!" He points to the man in the glasses and mustard shirt, now disappearing in a swirling green vortex of energy. Jim would never forget him. Dwight returns to the future, and looks at Jim, horrified. Jim smirks, but his eyes are empty. Dwight weeps.
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Dec 9, 2021 06:28
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A Fancy Hat posted:Dwight is convinced that Scranton's newest superhero, Smug Man, is Jim. They look the same, they sound the same - and Jim always seems to disappear whenever Smug Man is around. However, Dwight is unable to think of a way to prove this. Was thinking fondly of this one today
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Dec 9, 2021 17:23
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Cosmic Jim watches Dwight with contempt. Dwight is standing on 13th Ave. in Scranton, ringing a bell and collecting holiday toys for underprivileged children. He has been standing in the cold for hours, and plans to swing by the retirement home afterward to read aloud to the residents. Suddenly, Dwight shivers, but not from standing in the cold all day. “Hello, Dwight,” says Cosmic Jim. Dwight turns to see Jim, except with eyes that are swirling galaxies. “I want to show you how futile your life is.” Before Dwight can speak, Jim blasts a beam of dark light directly into his head. Dwight is cursed with knowledge. He sees the futility of his charity, of his benevolence and giving. Dwight watches the children he spends time with growing older and being failed by the system of poverty they are born into. Society slowly degrades and Scranton becomes a ghost town. Dwight’s soup kitchen losing funding shortly after he dies, and closes. The orphanage Dwight rebuilt burns down in a mysterious fire. The retirees Dwight has spent time with every week for years die alone and in pain. “Don’t you see, Dwight? Your self sacrifice; your kindness; it’s worthless. You didn’t help anything. You just made a tiny temporary difference that ultimately is wiped out.” “It matters, Jim. It matters to the people I helped.” Cosmic Jim chuckles to himself, “Have you lost all sense of perspective? The time and energy you wasted could have been used to improve society, to help enact structural changes, but instead to focused on making yourself feel better by picking on the most immediate superficial effects of your collapsing society. Don’t you wish you could lay down your burdens?” Dwight falters. Is it worth it? Did he waste him life? “Sometimes.” He admits. “Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much.” Cosmic Jim claps his hands and everything disappears. Dwight’s mind is foggy for a few moments, he can’t remember what he was just doing. Dwight is sitting at his desk. Was he ringing a bell? Something about toys? No. Dwight clears his head. He is a servile disciplinarian tied to his pathetic boss, Michael Scott. He has always been. There was no previous Dwight, except for this pathetic figure who obsesses about paper sales, with a mean, small minded focus. Dwight opens his desk to find a stapler encased in jello. He is seized with a cold fury. “Michael!”
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Dec 9, 2021 17:46
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It's a typical day at Dunder Mifflin and, as usual, Jim is surfing the internet instead of working. Jim stumbles upon an interview with John Krasinski and Rainn Wilson where Krasinski reveals that Rainn actually suggested most of Jim's best pranks. Jim is furious. "No!" Jim shouts. "No! No! No!" He sweeps everything off his desk in blind rage. Dwight covers the receiver of his phone and looks annoyed. "Jim could you keep it down? Some of us are trying to work." "Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you, balloon boy?" shrieks Jim. "Well how do you like this?" Jim squirts Dwight in the face with the novelty flower pinned to his lapel. "Bet you didn't come up with that one, did you?" says Jim. "That one's all Jim!" "It's pretty juvenile, to be honest," says Dwight, water dripping off his face. Jim screams in frustration. "You want juvenile? I'll show you juvenile!" Jim hops up on the desk and starts clucking like a chicken. He starts kicking things off Dwight's desk and when the others try to stop him, he kicks Meredith in the mouth, fracturing her jaw. Meredith has to be taken to the hospital. She's pretty peeved to discover later that Kate Flannery suggested Jim's "hilarious chicken desk prank." Jim seethes at the camera.
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Dec 9, 2021 18:18
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jim arranges for dwight to be molested
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Dec 9, 2021 18:36
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Jim hires a mime to follow Dwight around all day. This backfires as Dwight, a lifelong fan of the art of mime, quickly befriends the artist and thoroughly enjoys the day. Jim attempts a similar prank the next day, hiring a juggler to follow Dwight. Dwight reminds Jim that he has a lifelong dream of becoming a juggler. "poo poo," says Jim. "Just... gimme another day. gently caress." Jim asks Michael for another advance on his paycheck (the 7th one this year so far) but is denied. Dwight, the juggler, and the mime have dinner together and decide to put on a charity circus in a few weeks. As the new friends leave the restaurant, they find Jim fishing for spare change in the drain. The mime silently informs Dwight that Jim has a serious pranking addiction and needs professional help beyond what Dwight can give him. The juggler agrees, telling Dwight that Jim is someone who takes advantage of kindness and will need to hit rock bottom before he turns his life around. "I've seen this a lot in the carnival circuit." he adds, sadly. Jim is lowering a length of fishing line with a wad of chewing gum into the sewer and doesn't see or hear any of this. The next day Jim shows up at the office with a very obviously drunk clown, who keeps tripping over things and ends up puking on Pam. Kevin declares it Jim's "best. joke. EVER!" but the rest of the office is less amused. Dwight, the mime, and the juggler stand up from their desks and forcibly grab Jim and the clown, vowing to get them professional help for their addictions. As the front door slams shut Oscar asks why a mime and a juggler now have desks at the office.
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Dec 9, 2021 19:23
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The winter wind blows through the empty streets of Scranton, scattering a few balls of paper and empty paper cups outside of Poor Richard's. The doors are locked and barred and all the lights are off. This is the scene across all of Scranton, where not a single soul is seen. Inside a small house, a family huddles in the basement. "Mom, how much longer do we need to hide in here?" says a small girl bundled up in a blanket. "Not much more, honey. Not much at all. Please be quiet until then, okay? Can you do that for me?" The girl silently nods and moves closer to her parents, who quietly embrace her. Suddenly, a banging sound comes from upstairs. The parents look at each other and whisper. "Mike, you put the beet preserves on all the windows and doors, right? Even the attic window?" "Oh gently caress, oh Jesus. No. Oh my God I completely forgot." There is an unspoken moment between the family, a promise to remain as silent and still as possible. It is in the house, yes, but they are still safely in the basement. The beet preserves on the basement door should protect them. Scratching at the basement door, followed by an inhuman whine. To the father, it reminds him of the sound his father's casket made when they closed the lid. To the mother, it's a reminder of a tree that fell on her house as a child. To the child, it sounds like the monster she's imagined lives in her closet. The whine stops and rapid footsteps rocket across the house. The sound of breaking glass is heard, presumably every loose object is being thrown at the ground by the enraged thing inside the house. A loud thud and the father realizes from the location of the sound that the refrigerator has just been toppled over. The chaos continues until, finally, the thing rushes towards the stairs leading up to the attic. The silent family hears it run up there, waits another half hour, and then finally lets out a collective gasp of relief. The mother looks at her watch - 9 p.m. Known locally as 'Dwight's Time', the hour that The Halpert is forced to flee back to whatever dark and dismal part of the Earth it lurks within. Nobody had warned the family about this when they moved to Scranton. No wonder the house was so cheap, no wonder there were so many openings in this new housing development. "What is he, mommy? Why does he do this?" The mother is silent as she walks upstairs with her family to survey the chaos. Everything of value, be it material or personal, is destroyed on the ground. The mother picks up a broken mug and a camera.
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Dec 9, 2021 19:59
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Jim steals Christmas!
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Dec 9, 2021 20:37
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FunkyAl posted:Jim steals Christmas! Jim's heart grew three sizes later that day, but he was then rushed to the hospital.
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Dec 9, 2021 20:42
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Jim writes "DWIGHT IS A PEDOPHILE" in Christmas lights on the roof of the Halpert house. Local parents tell their children to avoid that part of the neighborhood, and it's generally accepted that Jim's bizarre light display is "some kind of Qanon garbage". The cheaply made lights catch fire one night and burn down the house. Pam and the kids escape but Pam claims that Jim "was already dead from the fire" when she was awakened by the smoke alarms. She doesn't explain how the fire apparently decapitated Jim and threw his head into the garbage can, but police are just happy to call it "case closed" and list the whole thing as an electrical fire. Dwight enjoys hot cocoa with Angela, completely unaware of any of this.
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Dec 9, 2021 20:49
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Jim says "it's time to put on my big boy pants" then dons a pair of oversized trousers that come all the way up to his armpits. He does this in response to Dwight's earlier comment that he is being immature.
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Dec 9, 2021 21:00
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jim loudly announces that it's "garbage day", before mugging and firing his handgun at dwight who is struggling with a large bin
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Dec 9, 2021 23:37
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"Dwight, I'm so sick and tired of being the escape goat for all of your problems!" yells Jim. The entire office goes silent. "Did you just say 'escape goat'?" says Kevin, the first to break the silence. Jim turns beet red and starts to stammer, but it's too late. Kevin stands up and starts laughing. The entire office, thrown off-kilter by the change in power dynamic, begins nervously fidgeting in their seats. "Well Kevin, at least I'm... at least I'm.... uh...." Jim stammers out and then freezes. He can't make eye contact with anyone and tears are beginning to form in his eyes. The rest of the office is nervously watching the entire scene. "Do it now, you idiots! This is your last chance!" yells Kevin. Oscar stands up and grabs a heavy paper weight off his desk, then advances towards Jim. He holds the paperweight over his head and prepares to bring it down on Jim's head. "Gotcha!" says Jim, a sly grin forming on his face. He turns his attention to Oscar. "Did you know that paperweight is coated with a deadly nerve agent? See ya later, Oscar the grouch!" Oscar falls to ground, dead, foam leaking from his mouth. "And as for you, Kevin, maybe it's time YOU become the escape goat!" In an instant, Kevin is replaced with an overweight goat. A large rocket is strapped to its back, the fuse it lit. It slowly fizzles down to the rocket, igniting it and launching Kevin the goat through a window. The rocket explodes in the distance, raining roasted goat over several blocks of downtown Scranton. Dwight is forced to watch all of this. Jim long ago forged unbreakable chains and strapped Dwight to his chair. How long has it been now? Dwight used to be able to count the sunsets, but long ago lost track. years? Decades? Centuries? Jim mugs for the camera, being held by a long-dead cameraman who begs to be released from his corporeal form.
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Dec 10, 2021 15:19
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Dwight Carrie’s the weight of the world on his shoulders. Quite literally. Jim has cursed him to eternally hold the crushing weight of the planet like a modern Atlas. Ryan is trapped up to his waist in jello, but every time he bends down to grab his phone and scroll tinder, his phone becomes further encased just out of his reach. Kevin must eternally carry a pot of chili to the break room, but is cursed to drop it before reaching, over and over again. Michael Scott is chained to a rock where Little Champion comes to tear out his liver daily, which regrows every night. Jim puts on a theater mask, except instead of the laughing comedy face, it is a smug smirk.
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Dec 10, 2021 19:06
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Jim travels back in time and eyes up the primordial soup that will soon spawn the genetic precursor to all life on Earth. "Well, this soup could use a little seasoning!" Jim tosses a pinch of oregano into the muck, then returns to the present to enjoy the chaos he has wreaked. Dwight sneezes at his desk. "Jeez Dwight, breathe much?" says Jim, a huge grin starting to form on his face. "Sorry. Does someone have oregano in their lunch? I always get the sneezes from oregano." Jim begins laughing, but both he and Dwight suddenly hear a scratching noise at the door. The door opens up and a giant, man-shaped leafy mass of oregano enters and begins shuffling towards Jim and Dwight. Dwight starts rapidly sneezing and can barely squeeze out a few words. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Every living thing is made of oregano except for me and you for some reason. That's why I'm sneezing so much." Jim screams in horror, realizing that a world of oregano creatures means no witnesses for his pranks. He runs back to his time machine in an attempt to reset things. "Is he gone?" says the oregano man. He removes his head, revealing it just to be a costume. Michael is underneath. "Yup, went back to his 'time machine'. That should buy us a little bit of time." replies Dwight, no longer sneezing. The camera crew rushes over to Jim's "time machine", which is just the supply closet. Behind the door, muffled masturbation noises are heard. In a talking head segment, Dwight explains that Jim has started experimenting with autoerotic asphyxiation and keeps blacking out, thinking he's travelled back in time. "Actually, you know what? Hey Toby! Can we fire Jim for masturbating on company property?" "Sorry Dwight, my hands are tied." "Yeah, just like Jim's neck I guess. Thanks anyway." Dwight replies, sadly. A thud is heard as Jim passes out in the closet. Dwight looks forlornly at the camera.
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Dec 10, 2021 19:28
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Jim ties an air horn under Dwight's office chair so when he sits down, it makes a loud "honk" and startles Dwight. "Knock it off Jim!" Dwight attempts to shout, but is shocked that all that comes out of his mouth is a deafening "HONK" from an air horn that Jim surgically implanted into his vocal cords the night before
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Dec 10, 2021 19:34
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Jim trains all the ants in Scranton to crawl into Dwight's mouth while he sleeps
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Dec 10, 2021 19:39
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Dwight notices that Jim seems unusually interested in his work today, typing and reading something on his computer screen continuously with taking his usual hour-long bathroom breaks. Finally Jim leaves his desk for a moment with a flippant “Gotta go drop off the kids”. Deight respects every individual’s right to privacy, but his curiosity gets the better of him. Has jim turned a corner? What big sale has stolen all of his attention today? With dawning horror, Dwight recognizes that Jim’s computer is open to dozens of tabs, all on the same subject. The first one is the Wikipedia page detailing the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby. Without a moment’s hesitation, Dwight pulls out his phone as he runs to the men’s room. The bathroom is empty, the window to the outside open all the way. Dwight’s phone is already in his hand and calling Angela. As soon as she picks up he starts taking, “We don’t have much time, peanut. I want you to take Phillip and just start driving. Do you understand? No, you don’t have time to collect your things first. I love you, I hope we can be together again soon. Now go!”
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Dec 10, 2021 20:11
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Jim demands to speak to Dwight’s manager. “Uh… you mean, Michael?” Dwight responds in confusion, pointing toward Michael’s office right next to them. Jim barges into his office. “Hello! Hi! I can’t believe the type of service I’m receiving at this establishment! First of all, you seat me next to that moon-faced gently caress. Then, I’ve been coming here for more than 15 years now, and I still haven’t received my order? What does it take to get some fuckin’ service around here?! Maybe I should go across the hallway to Bob Vance’s Refigeration, huh? I’m sure they know how to do customer service! And another thing…” Michael and Dwight gaze at each other through the window, sharing a weary look. Why hasn’t he just fired Jim already, Michael wonders. Oh right… The Curse.
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Dec 11, 2021 05:32
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Jim pranks Bob Vance by offering him a stick of mousetrap gum. Bob Vance pranks Jim by breaking his nose.
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Dec 11, 2021 06:45
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Ooh, a rare Bob Vance encounter
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Dec 11, 2021 13:46
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Bob Vance wakes up to another perfect morning. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and a gentle, fragrant breeze blows in through the window. Life couldn't get much better than this. Gradually, he perceives a warm, wet spot pooling across his sheets. Horrified, he tears the covers off of Phyllis, but Phyllis isn't there. The Compressor, Condensor, and Capilalry Tube of his refrigerator are leaking refrigerant all over his sheets. He screams so loud, Phyllis can hear him all the way at Scranton Business Park. "Was that Bob?" Asked Phyllis. "I hope he's not upset I left early to go to this emergency sales meeting." "Yeah, and what's the big emergency, Jim?" Asks Dwight. Jim Smirks.
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Dec 11, 2021 21:53
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Jim arranges for the office park to hold an award show, hoping that he’ll be the obvious pick of “Best Prankster.” As he explains his plan to Pam she sighs, grabs the bottle of wine she’s drinking and her vibrator and walks into the closet. Jim oblivious, keeps talking. Two weeks later everyone is dressed to the nines as the awards are presented by a suitably locally famous celebrity (maybe a daytime news anchor?). Jim is shaking with excitement - finally he’ll get the recognition he deserves! But to his shock and horror it’s Bob Vance who wins “Best Prankster” - apparently he’s legendary for his fun and light hearted pranks around the Vance refrigeration office. As Bob begins his acceptance speech Jim runs from the room, sobbing, vowing revenge. The next morning Phyllis is woken by screaming. Bob Vance sits next to her in bed, his head replace with a pumpkin, screaming for God to end his suffering.
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Dec 11, 2021 22:19
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Jim only speaks to Dwight in Pig Latin for an entire week.
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Dec 12, 2021 01:55
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On the Twefth day of Prankmas My coworker Jim gave to me, Twelve batters batting, Eleven boxers boxin', Ten drive by shootings, Nine ladies sniping, Eight grenades a-throwing, Seven swords a-swingin', Six bombs a-burstin', Fiiive groin kiiiicks! Four karate throws, Three Molotov cocktails, Two tiger traps, And a stapler in a jello mold!
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Dec 12, 2021 01:55
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dwight reaches into his pocket to take out his car keys, only to discover that it wasn't his pocket at all! it was jim's fly! and he's not in a car park at all, but rather in a crowded court room dwight is taken into custody as jim mugs the court artist
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Dec 12, 2021 02:12
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| # ? May 14, 2024 10:48 |
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On a quiet Tuesday afternoon, Jim whispers to Dwight "hey dummy, do you want to see my ventriloquism talent? I've been practicing it for days." Dwight rolls his eyes. The office remains silent except for a distant phone ringing and the droning of keyboard clatter when suddenly Dwight's voice pierces through the air - "holy moley, look at Phyllis's big 'ol titties! AHOOO-GAAAA (mimicking the olde timey car horn)" Dwight's face turns beet red, while Jim mugs the camera
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Dec 12, 2021 02:31
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