|
Dwight's charitable behavior gains the attention of the mainstream news media, and he is invited onto John Krasinski's show, "Some Good News." Dwight and the star of "Leatherheads" hit it off right away, and Dwight invites him and the entire office to a round of drinks at poor richards. Krasinski is the star of the evening, performing jokes, songs, and curing Ryan of his cocaine addiction, permanently. Only Jim, angrily sulking in a corner, does not like the man. He sees only lies and cowardice. Jim hisses, like an animal. Months later, Krasinski has taken over Halpert's life. Pam and the family have left for him, as well as the entire office, being hired into high-powered, behind the scenes jobs as entertainment executives. Only Jim remains at the office, being hired as regional manager for loyalty. He smokes five cigarettes at once. His assistant, Kevin Malone, buzzes him. "Dwurd would really like to see you" Jim sighs and unlocks the door from his desk. It is a door he bought from a prison warden. "Jim, I want you to do something about Shemp. He switched all the keys around on my keyboard. I want him fired" Jim's face sours. Dwurd smells of the turnip moonshine he distills and drinks as a meal. Shemp hollers and honks a clown horn. He locks himself back in his office, but every show on television is a show produced by someone at the office. He turns to kevin's reality webcam show about "The Office: An American workplace: where are they now?" And sees himself watching TV. He lights a sixth cigarette.
|
#
?
Dec 12, 2021 07:04
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 31, 2024 00:04 |
|
|
Dwight begins to suspect that Jim and Pam have spent their weekends learning Morse Code so that they can send each other messages during the work day. He learns Morse Code himself to figure out what they’re plotting. Nothing seems amiss until the cameraman leaves to use the bathroom. Dwight glances up at Jim and sees to his surprise Jim staring directly at him. Jim begins to blink, he is blinking in code. “SORRY, D. HAD TO PRANK FOR CAMERA. DO YOU UNDERSTAND” Dwight is surprised but recovers and makes a short, almost imperceptible nod. Jim continues. “CANT STOP PRANKS. THEY CONTROL ME. BEHIND IT ALL.” Dwight is alarmed. He risks a half second glance to the bathroom, a question. For the cameras? “YES. MAKING ME. PLEASE DWIGHT. PLEASE KILL ME. ONLY WAY BE FREE. KILL ME. PLEASE.” Jim finishes and stares unblinkingly at Dwight, his face an unreadable sphinx-like mask.
|
|
#
?
Dec 12, 2021 09:38
|
|
|
Several Scranton churches put on a drive-through nativity scene, where people can drive from church to church and hear the story of the Nativity. Although not a religious man himself, Dwight supports his wife Angela's devotion to the project as she is playing an angel in one scene. "Can I be in the scenes?" says Jim, a sly grin on his face. "I have a LOT of community service hours I need to start working on, and this seems easy as hell. Sorry, heck, forgot this was a Jesus thing." Angela is cautious but Dwight reminds her that the Bible does say you need to forgive people. Angela sighs but says that Jim can play a camel or something. The day of the nativity scene comes and Jim is indeed playing a camel. "Okay what's my motivation? What has brought this camel to see this dumb little baby be born?" "You're a camel, Jim. Just act like a camel." says Angela, already regretting this entire endeavor. The first few cars drive past and there are no problems, in fact several children yell out "Lookit the camel!" and "Wow, a camel!" Jim apparently has discovered one thing he's actually good at. As the event ends Dwight races up to embrace his wife and tell her how great she did. Angela looks worried, though. "Jim's still acting like a camel, D. He started pooping all over things. We had to tie him to a tree because he started spitting on the passing cars." Dwight rushes over to confront Jim, annoyed at this prank. However, he just finds a camel to tied to the tree. He asks Angela if that's where they tied Jim. She silently nods and Dwight realizes with dawning horror that Jim has somehow turned himself into a camel. The camel mugs for the camera and spits.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 14:40
|
|
|
Jim appears alongside several local celebrities in a PSA about the dangers of pranking. Jim is the breakout star and quickly becomes the face of "just say no to pranks." Jim's celebrity immediately goes to his head and soon is acting like a bigshot around the office. Michael, always eager to ingratiate himself into the good graces of anyone even remotely famous, basically gives Jim carte blanche to do whatever he pleases. Dwight finally gets fed up and threatens to expose Jim's hypocrisy, but Jim points out that if he's exposed as a fraud, it would totally destroy the credibility of "just say no to pranks." Dwight has no choice but to sit down and accept Jim's abuse. Jim poses with Dwight for a "just say no to pranks" photoshoot. Dwight's smile is obviously forced while Jim is smirking from ear to ear.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 15:09
|
|
|
Jim installs a camera in Dwight's toilet, then starts live streaming the video on a bizarre website catering to extreme fetishists. Jim makes several thousand dollars immediately, with additional funds coming in once he starts producing compilation videos such as "Farm Man poo poo Fest XXX" and "Uh Oh! Toilet Camera Crimes!" that sell well in foreign countries. Dwight is completely unaware of any of this until, decades later, he and Angela visit Germany to reconnect with Dwight's ancestral home. As Dwight walks into a Biergarten, a man greets him as "der Toilettenscheißer" and Dwight instantly knows Jim must be involved. Jim, who has been dead for years after his poor health finally caught up to him, grins inside his plywood casket.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 15:40
|
|
|
Jim brings in a small desk plant to brighten up the office. Over the next few days, Jim doesn't prank Dwight, and he diligently works all day closing paper sales. One night, Dwight stays late in the annex sorting boxes of old records, and he thinks he is the only person left in the office. But he hears what sounds like two voices coming from the main wing. He creeps slowly toward the noise, and realizes that one voice is Jim. The other, he does not recognize. The office is also totally dark, except for an unearthly green glow. "I can't," says Jim, "They're my coworkers! And my friends!" "If you don't," says the other voice, "You and Pam are next to go!" Dwight peeks around the corner and sees that Jim is talking to his plant, which is glowing like plutonium and has a small flower that looks like a face. "OK," says Jim, nearly in tears. "Just remember - what was that?" the plant whips around and Dwight pulls back, hiding in the office annex. While Jim takes the plant and searches accounting, Dwight sneaks out through the fire exit and races home. The next day, Jim has brought in several dozen plants that fill the office with a strange, perfume-like smell. Under the scent, however, is the stench of rot. The plants also seem to snag everybody's clothes, and later in the day Dwight scratches himself on a thorn. "Jim," calls Dwight, "can you please move some of these plants? This one scratched m- ouch!" The plant almost seems to lash out on its own, and scratch Dwight again, pulling away more blood. The next day, the plants have grown into almost a hothouse. The office is a warm, hazy swamp. The air is humid, the plants have sprawled over the entire office floor. They also have bugs swarming them, and the bugs look like tiny evil aphids. Dwight immediately calls in sick and rushes to his plant guy, a specialist in exotic flora. The wizened old man with a corncob pipe, who lives in a shack far, far away from Scranton, eyes Dwight for a long moment before speaking. "What you have here, son, is a man-eater! These plants grow to live on human blood. They're dangerous! Once they get big enough, they're going to start spreading across the entire world! You have to stop them!" "How?" asks Dwight, "I fear this will be my greatest challenge yet. I am not sure I am worthy." "Take these lady bugs," says the man, "and spread a few on each plant. It will be dangerous, but the ladybugs will eat the aphids. The aphids are the source of their power, you see? Once you've killed the aphids, the plants will die, so long as you can keep them from drinking any blood until the next full moon." Dwight does as he says, and spreads the ladybugs on the plants. He then maneuvers around the increasingly large bodies of living vines, thorns, and fern-leaves to move the plants into the ladies' bathroom, which he locks shut. Dwight claims that the ladies room is closed due to some rude graffiti that the women have written in there (it's usually absolutely scrawled with dozens of sharpie slogans like "Dwight sucks!" and "Michael is a jerk!", all of which have been written by Jim). For three nights, Dwight guards the room without sleep, until the final night, the night of the full moon, when the plants begin to shriek and wail in hunger and pain. They cry an earsplitting scream and their vines begin to push through the door, then down through the ceiling tiles. Dwight dodges the thorny vines, knowing that he must not let them get a drop of his blood. He cuts and slashes the vines with his Hanzo katana until they stop at the final stroke of midnight. His task done, Dwight slumps in his office chair, asleep at last. He is awoken the next morning by Charles Miner, who walks in with Jim. "What in god's name are all these bugs doing in here?" asks Charles. Jim looks around in apparent surprise, "Oh, these ladybugs?" he asks. Indeed, the only evidence of Dwight's victory over the plants are the scattered ladybugs. "I released them," says Dwight, "in order to-" "You intentionally released bugs into the working office?!" shouts Charles in surprise, "I don't understand. This is completely out of character for you. I'm quite disappointed." Dwight tries to explain, but the story is so confusing and bizarre that it makes him sound crazy. Jim smirks at the camera.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 16:42
|
|
|
Seeking to replenish his Pranking Fund, Jim starts his own paper company. At the same time, many Dunder Mifflin deliveries go missing. As time goes on, Dwight quickly realizes that Jim is stealing the deliveries to use as inventory and sets up a fake delivery with several exploding dye packs inside the box. Jim shows up to work the next day with purple stains dying his skin and clothing. Dwight sits there, silently, hoping that Jim might confess to the crime. Silence from Jim. Lunchtime approaches and Jim seems to perk up, announcing that he's "meeting an important client for lunch". In walks the Grimace, from McDonald's. "Just between you and me, Dwight, I had to jerk this guy off this morning to even get this meeting scheduled!" Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight sits there, dumbfounded.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 16:50
|
|
|
Dwight sets the world record score in Super Mario Bros, beating it faster than anyone else in history. An enraged Jim throws a turtle shell at Dwight's head, giving him a concussion. The short term memory loss means that Dwight never remembers the feeling of excitement and satisfaction from setting the record.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 16:59
|
|
|
A Fancy Hat posted:Dwight sets the world record score in Super Mario Bros, beating it faster than anyone else in history. *the entire king of kong documentary, except I'm too lazy to write it up. But yada yada Jim is Billy Mitchell*
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 17:16
|
|
|
poisonpill posted:*the entire king of kong documentary, except I'm too lazy to write it up. But yada yada Jim is Billy Mitchell* Jim's new hot sauce brand is found to cause internal bleeding and gastrointestinal distress. During a press conference to address consumers, Jim says that it's "Dwight Schrute's fault" and reveals doctored footage of Dwight urinating in a vat of hot sauce. Jim mugs for the camera and says that his company plans to take full legal action against Dwight.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 17:28
|
|
|
A new youtube channel, Jimocado Avocado, is sweeping the nation. In it, Jim eats massive quantities of unhealthy food. Dwight voices his concern to Jim, but Jim dismisses it, saying that "nobody in the world has ever died from overeating". Dwight considers a rebuttal, but remembers the words of his juggler friend and realizes that Jim will need to hit rock bottom. Somehow, despite putting out almost daily videos, Jim has not gained a single visible pound and seems (to the naked eye at least) to be fine. Dwight asks if Jim is purging, and Jim says "Yeah I'm purging your rear end from youtube", apropos of nothing. As time goes on, Jim's videos grow more and more extreme and seem to be bordering on fetish material. This culminates when he releases "500 nugget mukbang while wearing latex suit in kiddie pool of BBQ sauce", which garners almost 18 million views in 24 hours. Now a millionaire, Jim dumps Pam and begins the process of moving to a new home in Los Angeles to pursue an acting career. The movers begin loading up a truck, noting a box in the attic that Jim repeatedly warned them to handle carefully. Jim's aggressive nature backfires, however, as one of the movers decides to intentionally damage the box. "This'll teach the jerk to put my pen in jello," says the mover, referring to something Jim did while signing the agreement with the movers. The box tumbles out of the attic, down the stairs, and crashes to the 2nd floor landing. Pam happens by at that moment and kicks it down another flight of stairs, causing it to tumble into the living room. Miles away, a terrible car crash occurs. Police are baffled at the scene, where a morbidly obese man with floppy hair is found dead inside the vehicle, decapitated. No one is able to figure out how he fit into the car or how his head was removed. Back at Scranton, the Halpert kids tear open the box and find a painting of Jim inside of it, looking svelte and beautiful. Unfortunately, the fall damaged the painting in several spots, and Jim's visage has a tear across the neck. News quickly reaches Scranton when the body is autopsied and discovered, through dental records, to be Jim. "Ooooh, ooooh, I know this one!" says Kevin, happily, "I got this one!" "You've read Oscar Wilde, Kevin?" adds Oscar, incredulously. "Oscar who? No, ever heard of a little thing called Tales from the Crypt? Issue #26, maybe go hit up a LIBARRY, Oscar." Kevin chuckles to himself. "Oh." Oscar is still somewhat shocked at Kevin's literary knowledge and understanding of what happened to Jim despite his inability to pronounce library.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 18:16
|
|
|
A sword is discovered in the forests outside of Schrute Farms, its blade stuck into a large rock. People gather from all around, trying to pull the sword from the stone, but to no avail. Jim shows up, wearing a shirt that says "THE REAL EXCALLIBER (sp) IS MY PENIS" and attempts to remove the sword. It is an embarrassing failure, however, as Jim tears dozens of muscles in his exertion and ends up defecating in his pants. A crying Jim collapses on the ground, screaming that it's "not fair". Someone asks why Jim wrote the "(sp)" on his shirt, as if he knew Excalibur had been spelled incorrectly but still put it on the shirt. Someone else replies that they thought Excalibur was the sword that Arthur got from the Lady in the Lake. No no, someone else adds, you're thinking of Caliburn. Another voice pipes in, saying that Caliburn and Excalibur are obviously the same sword. Someone else adds that Arthur had two Excaliburs, one from the stone and one from the lake, and that the stone one broke. Another voice calls that "loving stupid" and murmurs of agreement and disagreement both echo across the crowd. Massive arguments break out regarding Arthurian lore, as is wont to happen. The assembled crowd turns violent and soon begins destroying property, eventually heading towards Schrute Farms and burning down the crops. "Gotcha!" says a feces-coated Jim, his arms hanging limply at his sides. He mugs for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 18:42
|
|
|
Jim offers to "soup up" Dwight's office chair. Dwight politely refuses, so Jim secretly does it after hours while Dwight enjoys an evening at home with his wife. "Aurgh aurgh aurgh!" barks Jim as he turns the final screw on his "improvements". The next day, Dwight sits on his chair and an pneumatic tube launches itself upwards, eventually exiting through the top of Dwight's skull. Dwight is rushed to the hospital as Jim continues making that weird barking noise.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 19:18
|
|
|
"Hey Dwight, I heard you liked office chairs, so I added a chair to your chair so you can chair while you chair!" shouts Jim directly into Dwight's face. Dwight calls 911 because Jim is obviously suffering a massive stroke.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 19:22
|
|
|
Dwight pulls the lever on his office chair to lean back a little bit. The NOS tank thst Jim installed activates, accelerating the chair to over 130 mph through the office for nearly a minute. Jim continues working as Dwight screams and cries in terror, eventually turning and asking him to please “keep it down. Some of us are trying to get some work done around here!”
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 19:28
|
|
|
While Dwight is on the phone, Jim starts talking about "a super cute girl" he met in the park who "likes pranks and has really cool berets in her hair". Dwight motions towards Pam, but Jim just continues talking about this mystery girl. Dwight utilizes a semi-meditative state he's mastered recently to completely tune out Jim and focus on the sales call. Unfortunately, by doing so he misses the fact that Jim mentions he and "Prankerella" are planning a date night at Dwight's house that night. The night comes and Dwight hears muffled voices from his beet field. When he looks outside, Jim is sitting on a blanket with a basket of food, the moon the only illumination. As Dwight looks closer, he realizes that Jim is sharing the blanket with something that looks vaguely humanoid, but has too many angles and sides to be a person. Dwight's eyes start to burn and he gets a headache from looking. After he rubs his eyes and looks again, Jim and the figure are gone. Dwight decides to head up to bed, quietly crawling in so as to not wake up the already asleep Angela. But as soon as Dwight gets under the covers, Angela whispers something to him urgently. "D. There's something in the house." Dwight hears footsteps downstairs. He recognizes them - Jim. Then he hears something else, something that sounds much wetter and heavier. A quiet giggle (Jim again, Dwight's heard this before) followed by what Dwight at first believes to be a dying animal screaming in pain. The whole house shakes. The footsteps and wet slapping noise head towards the front door. Dwight cautiously leans towards the window and peers out. Jim, nude, is running across the field. Something large and sharp is following him, almost playfully, and Dwight vomits when he gets a good look at it. Angela and Dwight never tell anyone about this strange encounter and Jim is never seen again.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 19:40
|
|
|
Jim bakes a dozen donuts for dwight, and uses salt instead of sugar.
FunkyAl fucked around with this message at 19:57 on Dec 13, 2021 |
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 19:52
|
|
|
FunkyAl posted:Jim bakes a dozen donuts for dwight, and uses salt instead of sugar. Dwight enjoys Jim's gift of pretzels.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 21:07
|
|
|
Applewhite posted:Dwight enjoys Jim's gift of pretzels. Jim furiously ties the pretzels into knots, inventing their trademark shape.
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2021 23:35
|
|
|
How many years? How many years has Dwight been locked in this kabuki theater of the macabre, with a life that starts and ends centered around interesting events at a paper company office? Who could say. Time is a flat circle. Dwight lives in weekly increments of 23 minute intervals, doomed to endless repetition of pranking. He knows there is no escape. Jim has rigged some kind of complex man trap with springs and levers and a weird roller-coaster with a tunnel of mechanical arms that look ready to throw banana cream pies. Whatever. Dwight just walks straight to the open power supply and grips the exposed wires, killings himself instantly. Dwight opens his desk drawer and a jack-in-the-box pops out. Jim mugs to the now cobweb covered camera resting in the skeletal hand of a decomposed cameraman’s ancient remains.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 02:04
|
|
|
Jim is exposed to gamma radiation and gains the abilities of Dr. Fantastic. Rather than fight crime, he gains noteriety as the "REAL" Dr. Fantastic, appearing at sold out after sold out comic convention. Dwight, a fan of Dr. Fantastic, gets an autograph at the Scranton Spaceworld Convention. "Notice anything familiar about me, Dwight?" asks Dr. Fantastic, whose face turns from that of Dr. Reed Richards to the familiar imp and prankster, Jim. Dwight is at first angered, but then pauses. "Good one, Dr. Fantastic! No wonder they call you the world's greatest shape shifter!" He leaves satisfied. But Jim is annoyed. Was he no longer truly recognizable as himself? He supposed he might as well be able to look like anyone. His body could bend and contort, did he even have muscles anymore? Bones? Oh, how he wished he had seen a doctor after his accident with gamma radiation. If only he had never tried to prank Pam by exposing her to gamma radiation. But it was too late now. He turned into a blob and rolled home. He hadn't seen Pam ever since she figured out how to turn invisible.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 02:26
|
|
|
A Fancy Hat posted:Jim offers to "soup up" Dwight's office chair. Dwight politely refuses, so Jim secretly does it after hours while Dwight enjoys an evening at home with his wife.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 14:05
|
|
|
Over the last year, Dwight's really been giving his all to Scranton's volunteer efforts, homeless shelters, emergency call lines, even local museums. He's dedicated a good portion of his time to them. With that said, it's with great happiness (and a little buffoonish confusion) that Michael barges into the office one morning with urgency, and shrieks for Dwight; "DWIGHT! YOU DID IT! They're giving it to you!!" Dwight's caught unawares, having no idea what's happening here. "What?" "The award! You did it!" "What award? For what? Employee of the month?" "No, no! Not that, Jim got that!" *Jim mugs to the camera over in the corner* Dwight frowns and is still non-plussed. "Dwight, they gave you the Champion of Human Institutions and People of Scranton medal!!" "...what the hell is that?" "It's CHIPS"
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 14:26
|
|
|
After returning home to Scranton, Dwight spends several months researching the archeological find he made of ancient Sumerian burial grounds. He realizes that the lavish burial chambers did not indicate a place of respect for the dead, but was more of an underworld prison for them. These were the priests of a half-forgotten trickster god, and apparently undergoing some form of persecution, possibly tied to the civil war that ended the civilization. Publishing several papers and starting a book, Dwight spends most of his time and effort repatriating the artifacts to safe in situ museums in the nations where the discoveries were made. Inside a stone sacrificial altar; Dwight discovers a vellum book bound in skin. It is in a forgotten dialect but Dwight can translate by reading aloud. He sounds out the first words: “Vattis yupdogg?” The lights suddenly go out. The room is silent, expectant. A crash of lightning reveals that there is … something… in the room with Dwight. The brief moment of light revealed floppy hair and an ironical smirk. “Nothing much, dog. What’s up with you?” Dwight screams in the darkness.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 16:19
|
|
|
Jim enters a contest to have dinner with a local cop, spending thousands of dollars on entry tickets. He, of course, writes Dwight K Schrute on every single entry. Dwight gets the call that he's won the contest. Funny, he thinks, I didn't even enter any contest. But in the spirit of the season and in attempt to start a line of communication between the police and the local community, Dwight attends the dinner. As Dwight and the cop begin to talk, a man in a ski mask bursts into the restaurant, brandishing a gun. The masked man makes a beeline towards the table, aiming his gun directly at Dwight. The cop runs away and hides under a table, and the masked man pulls the trigger. Dwight is sprayed with water. "Talk about a water under the bridge!" says the masked man, in a quote that makes very little sense and is not even heard over the screams in the restaurant. The masked man runs away and easily escapes. Dwight is taken into custody for questioning, as the cop believes it was "an elaborate anti-cop scheme" orchestrated by Dwight to undermine faith in the police. Dwight asks what exactly he means by that, and the cop just trails off while talking about "respect for authority". Dwight is released from police custody but is harassed by police for the rest of his life, constantly being pulled over for "routine" traffic stops and finding police wandering around Schrute Farms. Dwight takes this all in stride. Months after the dinner incident, Dunder Mifflin puts together a trip to a ski resort as a team building exercise. Jim puts on a ski mask and Dwight recognizes it immediately. When Dwight confronts Jim about the mask, Jim skis away at full speed, tossing snow in Dwight's face. Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight brushes off the snow. A police officer carefully watches the entire scene, prepared to gun down Dwight at a moment's notice.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 19:00
|
|
|
Dwight, a huge fan of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, is convinced by Jim to watch Part 3. "It's just as funny and campy as Part 2, trust me, Dwight! If you thought that 'Garbage Day' stuff was good, wait til you see this!" Dwight dedicates his normal Friday night movie night to the movie and eagerly sits down with a bucket of popcorn and a cold beet soda. Things start off strong, with Bill Moseley's ridiculous exposed brain makeup making Dwight chuckle. But the movie quickly grinds to a complete halt, and the campiness present in Part 2 is nowhere to be found. Dwight finds himself checking his phone several times through the movie's 90 minute runtime. The plodding pace and complete lack of tension is made worse by the fact that there's nothing even worth making fun of, the movie is never ridiculous enough to be entertaining. Jim watches all of this from outside Dwight's window with glee, realizing that the first part of his prank is complete. At work the next week, Jim asks how Dwight liked the movie. Polite as always, Dwight says it wasn't his favorite movie, but it wasn't bad. Jim laughs and then suggests Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 5: The Toymaker. Dwight has no intention of ever taking a movie recommendation from Jim again, but tells Jim he'll watch the movie as soon as he gets a free night. In a talking head segment, Jim laughs maniacally and reveals the true scope of his mad plan. Dwight will never watch Part 5, which means he will never see Mickey Rooney portray an alcoholic toymaker that constructs a robotic son. He mugs for the camera, joy filling his heart for having denied Dwight the exact type of movie he would enjoy.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 19:34
|
|
|
Jim steals Dwight's spleen and feeds it to a pack of wolves.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 19:52
|
|
|
Jim and Pam have a new baby, and Jim names him "DwightSucksAss Halpert", then makes a big deal of introducing him to everyone. When Dwight expresses concern that this will ruin the child's social life, Jim says that's "the 2nd layer of the prank" and mugs for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 20:10
|
|
|
"Hi my name is Jim" the YouTube video begins. Uploaded 4 hours ago. But Jim lays dead on the Dunder Mifflin parking lot. "My name is Jim and I'm a merchant. I'm a merchant of paper and a merchant of secrets. A merchant of secrets who buys and sells my favorite thing, secrets. My favorite thing is secrets and my name is Jim." "Have you noticed anything unusual about this video yet? the detective asks Dwight as he pauses it. "Well", Dwight says. "He starts every sentence with the end of the previous sentence. Does he do that the whole video?" "How about we find out, just you and me?" the detective says in a frightening tone, pressing play on the video. "My name is Jim, and in case you were wondering, Dwight, I'm not going to start every sentence in this video with the end of the last one. I'm not going to start every sentence in this video with the end of the last one because that would be annoying for me to even keep track of." The video pauses. "He's still doing it." Dwight sighs. The detective presses play again. "So anyway this video is a tribute to my greatest prank yet. If I pull it off I'll either be dead or in prison, and Dwight will be either the murderer or the victim. See I stopped doing the sentence thing " "So now you might come to understand why you are a person of interest in this case" the detective says. "He said one of you would be dead and if it was him, that you would be the murderer. Well he's dead now Mr. Schrute! Do you have anything you want to tell me about that?" "Keep playing the video" Dwight says. "I'm the one to ask the questions here!" the detective yells. But he's too late. Dwight loaded up LG Smart Things on his phone and took control of the TV. "I'm about to disguise myself as a detective and bring Dwight in for questioning"Jim says as he puts on prosthetics. "Time to murder a houseless person I met named Jim and put him in my clothes and put him in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot so the first sentence of this story is true ". The houseless person is clearly Meredith. "Well I guess that just goes to show you can't spell detective without I've... And I've ... Gotta go!" Jim shouts as he throws down a flash bang grenade. The grenade knocks them both unconscious and when Dwight comes to Jim is still unconscious but his video is still going. "Tell Pam I'm sorry" he says and jumps in front of a train in the video. Dwight looks at the unconscious detective and notices that he's been an exploded run over by a train person this entire time. Figuring the clocks in the room are false, Dwight opens the window blinds to get a sense of what time of day it is, to find that he's been in a train car this entire time. Dwight runs to the engine room, tripping over various contraptions that place him in overalls and a conductors hat, just in time to look out the front window and see Jim say "Tell Pam I'm sorry" and jump in front of the train. "And that's everything that happened" Dwight says. Dwight's lawyer curses under his breath that he ever let Dwight take the stand. "The jury is to disregard this man's testimony." A judge says. "This is a clear cut case of coaching a defendant to appear insane. I am holding you in contempt of court. Closing statements tomorrow." and the floppy haired judge slams his gavel.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 22:46
|
|
|
Jim has been dead for years (ever since his extremely ill-fated "cyanide-ink thousand paper cranes" prank that nobody feels comfortable speaking about even to this day) but his pranks live on. Jim's pranks were devious, complex, and sinister. But of course, they were also expensive and time-consuming. Jim planned his pranks out years in advance, often paying for them using the future installment payments from his trust fund. Although his children inherited nothing following a contentious probate process, they may have felt some semblance of comfort from the fact that Jim's pranking legacy remains whole. Dwight sometimes opens his mailbox to find a snake inside it; on other days he sometimes receives a mysterious delivery of a clearly half-completed prank, such as three elephants and a crate of peanuts three days later. Without Jim's genius mind spinning dozens of pranks at a time, they lay unfinished and often serve just as annoyances for Dwight. Over time, the frequency of pranks slows down. Dwight hopes that, eventually, they will disappear entirely. However, one day, Dwight receives two pranks on the same day. The first is an extremely dangerous explosive package that is delivered to Dwight's home. Normally Dwight shrugs this kind of thing off, but he is annoyed because his son was excitedly checking the mail each day in expectation of a new encyclopedia (The "E"). Dwight thinks that this kind of random destruction wasn't in keeping with how he'd like to remember Jim, who started off with such seemingly harmless pranks. The second is a packet of papers from Jim, written shortly before his death. Dwight, bracing himself, brings them inside and sets them on the desk of his study. That night, after the rest of his family has gone to bed, Dwight considers burning the entire package, unopened. It would save him some heartache. But curiosity gets the better of him, and he reluctantly opens the package. It's a packet of papers, the first several of which are Jim's medical records. It appears he was suffering from a malignant brain tumor, that was causing him increasing pain. Jim never mentioned anything about this. Perhaps this was part of the deviant turn Jim's later pranks took? Dwight keeps flipping through the papers. They aren't medical records. They're academic papers, news articles, and published white paper studies, all revolving around climate change. Dwight stays up until three in the morning reading about the impending climate apocalypse that will collapse civilization and kill millions of people in growing horror and rage. The sum total of the catastrophe is so large he can scarcely process it. Dwight goes to bed in shock, but cannot sleep. In a moldering tomb, the rictus grin of Jim's skeletal remains lay pointed toward a stone bas-relief carving of a camera.
|
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2021 23:21
|
|
|
A team of explorers discovers a portal into the Hollow Earth under the Scranton business park next to do Dunder Mifflin. The few muffled communications which make it back before the team vanishes reference an "ancient civilization" and "creatures that don't belong here." Their final communication ends with screams and a bizarre thumping. Ever focused on new business development, Michael decides to lead a team of Dunder Mifflin salespeople to sell paper and paper products to their new neighbors. When Michael explains his plan to the rest of the office staff, Jim is uncharacteristically silent. Staring at Michael he issues a warning: "you don't know whats down there. Its not like you think. Its where It comes from." Michael ignores this cryptic warning, but Dwight can't help but feel a chill down his spine. Two days later Jim, Michael, Dwight, Kevin and Andy gather early in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot. Settling their packs on their shoulders, they sneak past the few guards near the portal entrance and start traveling downwards. After what seems like hours, they emerge from a dank cave into a lush, dense rain forest. Winding amongst the leafy landscape is a rough, but clearly manmade, game trail. Spotting this Michael jauntily leads his team forward, promising "commissions beyond imagination!" Dwight notices Jim hanging back, a grim expression on his face, but shoulders his pack and follows the rest of the office into the jungle. The first hint of trouble strikes hours later as the team breaks for lunch. Kevin has long since gobbled down the four lunches he brought for their journey and decides to head into the jungle "to catch a pig and make some dinner, like they did in that movie about the kids on the island." A few minutes later they hear a rough screaming come from their left...
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2021 01:41
|
|
|
Jim tackles Dwight during a routine sales trip to the Scranton Tar Pits, plunging them both into the hot, sticky muck. Millennia later, a team of archaeologists unearth two mummies in the area formerly known as Pennsylvania. The bodies are remarkably well-preserved despite the passage of time, and their tools and clothing are still largely intact. Extensive testing reveals that the two men died in the early 21st century, and the find is considered one of the best in the decade, providing a nearly complete picture of two lives in the Early Anthropocene Era. One of the mummies is nicknamed "Mug," based the expression on his face, and the other is nicknamed "Balloon Boy," based on a tattoo on his ribcage. Yet for all of the testing, none of the archaeologists on the dig could answer the big question: Why? Several explanations were tossed about, including an accident or a lover's suicide, but there was never enough evidence for any these theories. Then there was the expression on Mug's face. Balloon Boy's face was appropriately horrified at his death, but Mug's face was frozen in a rictus grin. The 3-D reconstruction of Mug's face was even more unsettling - almost as if he were smirking at some unseen camera in the ether. Could he have done this on purpose? Why would Mug do it, and why did he drag Balloon Boy with him? One of the lab room cameras points straight at Mug's face. Mug mugs the camera.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2021 02:37
|
|
|
I don't even know what The Office is anymore.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2021 02:38
|
|
|
Jim announces "The 31 Days of Pranksmas", a plan to prank Dwight every single day of December. On December 1st, he puts a whoopie cushion on Dwight's chair. "Gotta start small," he says with a wry smile. Days pass without any pranks, though, and Dwight begins to think Jim lost some momentum. By December 15th, Dwight asks Jim if the pranks are still coming. "Yeah, they're coming. You think it's easy, Dwight? You think it's a piece of cake to come up with 31 pranks in 31 days? Each more elaborate than the last, because otherwise, I'm seen as losing my edge? Do you know how much pressure I put on myself to craft these pranks? It's not like I just sit down and come up with them. Oh no. It's discipline, Dwight. Hours of prep work. Financial burdens like you wouldn't imagine. The stress on my marriage, my role as a father. Every night I stay up, trying to think of a good prank. And, go figure, on December 2nd I got Pranker's Block. I can't think of a goddamn prank. I go through my notebooks, they're all just meaningless scrawls to me. Pranks where I go back in time? What the gently caress does that even mean, how can I go back in time? Pranks where I kill you, pranks where I'm in league with eldritch monsters, pranks that reference other pranks I've never even heard of. What the gently caress is wrong with me? I've spent years on this stuff. I've spent more time thinking of ways to prank you than I have working on my marriage. Which, by the way, is a loving MESS thanks to these pranks. My kids barely recognize me. Cece called me "Basement Guy" the other day, do you know why? Because most nights I fall asleep in the basement working on pranks. I don't even sleep in the same bed as my wife any more, and one of my children doesn't recognize me as her father. So ask me again, Dwight, if the pranks are still coming." Dwight apologizes profusely and says that Jim doesn't need to put these pressures on himself, he already has a legacy of pranks and can afford to take some time off. Jim thanks Dwight and offers his hand, hoping for a handshake of friendship. Dwight grasps Jim's hand and is struck with a powerful electric shock. "Haha! Talk about a SHOCK, huh?" Jim laughs as Dwight holds his injured hand. Dwight mumbles to himself and goes back to work. Jim sighs and looks troubled for a moment, but quickly pushes it away. He mugs for the camera, but it feels slightly more forced than normal.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2021 14:29
|
|
|
A Fancy Hat posted:Jim offers to "soup up" Dwight's office chair. Dwight politely refuses, so Jim secretly does it after hours while Dwight enjoys an evening at home with his wife. Jim has been using office equipment to smuggle cocain across the border for years. He is caught during one attempt where he is clearly high trying to make it through customs, but secures himself a sweetheart plea deal by testifying against all of his coconspirators. Jim also implicates Dwight, who has nothing to do with it, as a prank. Jim smirks at the mug shot camera.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2021 14:47
|
|
|
Envious of Dwight's new Cartographer Quality Globe, Jim jumps one thousand miles above the planet, and slams back on the surface with a tremendous CRACK, thereby flattening Earth.
|
|
#
?
Dec 16, 2021 07:54
|
|
|
Jim breaks into Dwight's house, then calls in a bomb threat to Dunder Mifflin from Dwight's landline phone. Dwight is hit with the "double prank" of Dunder Mifflin being closed for a day and the FBI investigating him and eventually placing him on the no-fly list. Days later, Jim announces he's bought round trip plane tickets for everyone in the office to fly to Aruba. Dwight, sadly, has to decline due to the pending investigation. Jim laughs like a madman, announcing that he's just "completed the prankster's hat trick". When Dwight says that Jim already bought the ticket, so he just wasted money for no reason, Jim runs out of the office with his fingers in his ears. Phyllis mentions that Jim probably spent a massive amount of money on the tickets just to make Dwight feel bad, Pam lets out a barely audible sigh.
|
|
#
?
Dec 16, 2021 16:50
|
|
|
Dwight ends up activating Jim’s trap card, causing him to lose 1000 life points. Jim mugs for the camera, for he knows that soon the Millennium Beet will be all his.
|
|
#
?
Dec 16, 2021 16:56
|
|
|
Jim bursts into the office, clothes askew, covered in blood with a prominent bite mark on his arm. Concerned, the rest of the office gathers around. Panting, Jim describes how he was attacked by a crazed homeless man in the parking lot who bit him and “tried to eat me… like something out of a movie.” As he finished that thought he suddenly starts swaying and turns and bites Kevin before collapsing. While everyone else is screaming, Dwight realizes what must be done. He walks over to his desk, grabs his hidden katana, and calmly decapitates Kevin. As he turns to finish off Jim, he notices Jim is back on his feet, grinning. Dwight is arrested for murder.
|
|
#
?
Dec 16, 2021 17:08
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 31, 2024 00:04 |
|
|
Dwight stretches and leans back in his chair. “Taking a break, Dwight?” asks Jim with a smirk, “Didn’t have you pegged for a layabout.” Dwight, who has already closed four sales today, ignores the comment but does feel a little tired. He decides to get some coffee. He stands and takes two steps toward the break room, when suddenly he slams into an invisible wall. He realizes that th e back half of the office isn’t real, it’s a painting. The entire office, from Phyllis’s desk to accounting, is a giant backdrop against which the office has been painted in forced perspective. The entire thing was invisible from Dwight’s desk. A general murmur continues, and Dwight realizes that the sounds of the office are actually a recording, one that must have been made relatively recently, which is now being piped in through several speakers. Dwight opens his desk drawer and pulls out a pocket knife. He cuts through the painting and finds the rest of the office, exactly as before, with the rest of his coworkers working as usual. “drat it! drat it, Dwight!” Jim climbs through the tear after Dwight, “I had it all set up! You were supposed to think you were in a TV show! Why?! Why did you cut that? You weren’t supposed to cut that! Do you have any idea how long… do you know what I went through to set up…?” Jim breaks into tears. Dwight looks around, a little embarrassed. “Jim, if this were a TV show, wouldn’t they just film it in a full set done up like an office, with a bunch of background characters? They wouldn’t use a painted backdrop.” Jim rolls on the ground, weeping uncontrollably. Dwight starts to feel bad. “Uh, I mean,.. uh… oh no! I’m in a TV show!” Jim springs up from the ground. “Did you really think so? Just for a moment?” “Sure I did, Buddy. Sure I did.” Jim wipes his nose with his arm and turns a teary-eyed glance toward the camera, with recovering smugness. Behind him, Dwight looks at the camera with a mixture of exasperation and pity expressed on his face.
|
|
#
?
Dec 16, 2021 22:42
|
|