(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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Uganda Loves Me posted:I finally started on that daily stoic journal book. I'm enjoying it. I had concerns about dividing the world up into things under my control and things not under my control, but they were all addressed in the introduction. If nothing else, it'll be useful for getting outside of my own head and being more aware of different perspectives. I get in that depression tunnel-vision where I'm not paying much attention to more than what is right in front of me, and I think this will help pull me out of that. That sounds pretty useful ngl Josherino posted:Awesome work here; I recently quit soda, and I'm about a month in. I don't miss it, but it's crazy to think how my anxiety was tied with my binge soda drinking when I sit down and think about it. Thanks! It's weird, though not quite done yet. I'm impressed that I was able to do it, I really didn't think I could for the last 20 years. But I think I look basically the same? I.e. like poo poo. Other people comment on change in appearance and clearly clothes are loose, but I look in the mirror and see the same ugly fatass. I knew that losing weight wasn't gonna fix anything in my brain but it's still weird.
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Dec 15, 2021 21:02
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why is it that I try my best to do everything my family says and they still treat me like a kid? Most clothes items I pick without their influence they say it’s ugly. Any decoration I put they say is lame. Topics of conversation I pick lead them to think I am some sort of leftist radical, or naive or whatever. And I have no one else to turn to. What is the right way to live? What is the checklist I have to follow? Or do I just isolate myself and wait for the collapse?
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Dec 16, 2021 21:50
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Literally just maintain a fierce conviction and don't shy away from who you are or apologize for it. They will either accept that you are as you are or they will disown you. Both are fine.
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Dec 16, 2021 22:19
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I don’t understand how you develop such fierce convictions without turning into the sort of rear end in a top hat who “does their own research” and actively lives in the reality bubble they choose to live in that are hastening the collapse of society.
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Dec 16, 2021 22:23
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That's the only way. You can manage it and express it in whatever way is amenable to you. Don't be so binary.
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Dec 16, 2021 22:25
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AceOfFlames posted:I don’t understand how you develop such fierce convictions without turning into the sort of rear end in a top hat who “does their own research” and actively lives in the reality bubble they choose to live in that are hastening the collapse of society. The courage of your convictions does not correlate with your intelligence. I mean, poo poo, just look at my post history for that.
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Dec 16, 2021 22:33
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AceOfFlames posted:why is it that I try my best to do everything my family says and they still treat me like a kid? Most clothes items I pick without their influence they say it’s ugly. Any decoration I put they say is lame. Topics of conversation I pick lead them to think I am some sort of leftist radical, or naive or whatever. And I have no one else to turn to. What is the right way to live? What is the checklist I have to follow? Or do I just isolate myself and wait for the collapse? They don't want you to behave any specific way. They just want to make you feel like poo poo so they can pretend they're better than you.
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Dec 17, 2021 00:12
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Oh hey loving cool.The Social Security Administration posted:
Six loving months for this, and dozens of doctors visits, on top of the eighteen months the first case took between first denial, second denial, and then denial from a judge. What the gently caress am I going to do now. Yeah, I have a lawyer and I'm going to appeal, but this is stripping what will I have to continue fighting.
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Dec 17, 2021 02:16
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AceOfFlames posted:why is it that I try my best to do everything my family says and they still treat me like a kid? Most clothes items I pick without their influence they say it’s ugly. Any decoration I put they say is lame. Topics of conversation I pick lead them to think I am some sort of leftist radical, or naive or whatever. And I have no one else to turn to. What is the right way to live? What is the checklist I have to follow? Or do I just isolate myself and wait for the collapse? That is a difficult position. The important thing to do is respect yourself and ask others to do the same. I have very critical family and I've mostly estranged myself which sucks, but it's better than constantly trying to evaluate your actions through their lens.
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Dec 17, 2021 17:21
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Filed an appeal with the lawyer. I was told first/initial claims get denied about 9 times out of 10. Hopefully the next appeal works. Should take 4-6 more months...:shep:
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Dec 17, 2021 17:58
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So... Being told to look for positive poo poo in the world, it's awfully loving hard to be in the mood to look up feel-good stories when most of them tend to be along the lines of 'kid sells lemonade to pay for mother's chemo' normalizing horseshit. And yeah, it's not good to be this loving angry all the goddamned time, but as someone who knows its one of those not-in-my-control things, I also know it totally can be in our fuckin control. Even then, I have to admit that the best that I'm doing here is distracting myself. The problem is still going to exist even after I've mentally digested a particular instance of the good present in the largest portion of the human race. Stuff like that I've known and accepted as immutable fact. That said, the few assholes that are royally loving us over are still running things. The kids are still in cages (lol and D&D has never been so loving erect), this demon cracker nation is collapsing in on itself and the people who caused it for the past fifty years will not know even a fraction of the consequences of their actions. This angry fuckin heartache is annoying as hell, honestly. I know it exists, and I know it's leaving me as I experience it, but there's a fucktonne more there where that bile came from. I know it's just a moment in a river flowing with them, but it's almost like trying to bail out a rowboat and only being able to dump the water out as fast as it comes in. So busy you can't row the goddamned boat to safety. Why is an inward change is required to resolve an external stressor? Why are we the ones who have to make peace with this bullshit? Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 23:34 on Dec 17, 2021 |
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Dec 17, 2021 23:27
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poo poo happens ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Dec 18, 2021 00:09
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Perry Mason Jar posted:poo poo happens ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Unsatisfactory. poo poo is happening that is only happening because of greed and callousness. Both easily correctable things when you get down to it.
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Dec 18, 2021 00:11
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It's like liberals and their horseshit logic: they believe it is far easier to get thousands of voters to sacrifice their principles to get nothing but told to go gently caress ourselves than it is to get a candidate to conform their stances to what the ppl want. That poo poo's not working so hot for them now, has it?
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Dec 18, 2021 00:13
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It's not so simple as snapping your fingers, no. Do you think you can't find inner peace or you don't want to?
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Dec 18, 2021 00:16
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Perry Mason Jar posted:It's not so simple as snapping your fingers, no. Do you think you can't find inner peace or you don't want to? I can give all I own to the poor and while it would satisfy my conscience, my heart would know otherwise. And to get down to it, I don't think I want to find peace with the existence of preventable, avoidable misery. More especially when they are problems that don't require a five hundred page white paper offering means-tested tax credits that they're expected to pay back anyway as long as they operated for ten years in a neighborhood where cops kill no more than 12 black people a month because a lib feels the poor don't work hard enough while also feeling like their buddy running the NGO deserves a $250,000 salary. Yeah, it's a little more complicated than a snap of the fingers. Never argued otherwise. But I'll tell you this for free: it's a loving leap easier than whatever D&D is claiming to be the new panacea (when they're not busy jacking off to pictures of crib death, that is).
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Dec 18, 2021 00:27
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Libs: "A Nazi wants to kill Jews? Hell, he's got the courage of his convictions. And we owe it to him to hear him out" Also libs: "A commie wants to house the homeless? Well, hold on just a minute there, bucky, I've got a mod that needs to see your bullshit and the admins need to know about this in QCS"
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Dec 18, 2021 00:30
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Gene Hackman Fan posted:I can give all I own to the poor and while it would satisfy my conscience, my heart would know otherwise. And to get down to it, I don't think I want to find peace with the existence of preventable, avoidable misery. You can't do enough to assuage your guilty conscience? What are you guilty about? You feel you haven't done enough? About finding peace, I don't think you have a choice. I'm not sure a life of bitterness, anger, and dejection is gonna feel very satisfying for you. So I think we're back to the first square - you feel as though you shouldn't find satisfaction, that this would be somehow harmful. I wonder if the people in your life would be better served by a joyous presence in their life or a bitter one.
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Dec 18, 2021 00:34
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Perry Mason Jar posted:You can't do enough to assuage your guilty conscience? What are you guilty about? You feel you haven't done enough? I feel I need to ask you to dial back the smug by about 15% off the top there, because I really feel this post is demonstrating exactly what has wedged itself into my craw. I am perfectly capable of finding happiness, thank you very much, but why is ignoring the problem the only path to inner peace when fixing it is an option? Why do we have the loving concentration camps when we could just not loving destabilize the global goddamned south in the first place? There is no loving guilt at play here, and I'll thank you not to put words in my mouth. my house has ten extra rooms, what do I do for homeless person #11? Say I'll pray for him and tell him to go gently caress himself? I answer for my own sins in a separate space. Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 01:32 on Dec 18, 2021 |
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Dec 18, 2021 00:37
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Just because: 1) complicated things exist 2) it's complicated to get good things done in this country complicated does not necessarily equate to good Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 03:24 on Dec 18, 2021 |
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Dec 18, 2021 00:47
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Gene Hackman Fan posted:So... Being told to look for positive poo poo in the world, it's awfully loving hard to be in the mood to look up feel-good stories when most of them tend to be along the lines of 'kid sells lemonade to pay for mother's chemo' normalizing horseshit. Honestly, yeah I agree. I try to do some useful stuff for my family and the people I know at my local NAMI. I'm trying to find a way to face the hellworld without being overwhelmed by it, and I don't think that stoicism book is going to fix it. I'm hoping I'll gain some tools to help me keep fighting. I'm concerned that a lot of the "radical acceptance" movement is all about finding a way to mold yourself into a functional gear for a big evil machine. So many people are ready to blame the individual for being hosed over by a system that was designed to gently caress them over. I've been symptomatic with bipolar disorder for over 20 years, and I've only very recently decided to fully reject that framing. I've been repeatedly blamed, lectured and outright punished for not being that good little gear. I'm not sure I'm even capable of becoming it if I tried. I know the problem's not on my end, but that's the only end I have some small degree of control over. I usually feel like I'm balancing on a knife's edge, with anger on one side and despair on the other. It's often a mixture of the two at the same time. My biggest worry is that I'm just finding a way to dull the sensation and convince myself that I've already done my part.
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Dec 18, 2021 01:09
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I'm not even looking to justify anything I've done* here; this genuinely doesn't make sense to me. Is changing your way of thinking because of external factors the goal here? This is the coping strategy that a leftist should have? * I've been just a resolute rear end in a top hat to this dickhead consultant for the past day and a half because he spammed me his bullshit newsletter where he's jacking himself off for the good job he did for democrats. I am not sorry for having done this and I will continue to do this so long for as he keeps responding. If spitting in the face of a lanyard will be condemned as a mortal sin, I will face God and walk backwards into hell. Defendant will enter a plea of nolo contendre and accepts the standard slap on the wrist as owed a man of my class Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 02:04 on Dec 18, 2021 |
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Dec 18, 2021 01:43
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See, I don't accept the idea that a cool brow and straight face is gonna cut it here. History was written by people who were hungry enough, happy enough, hurt enough to figure something out.
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Dec 18, 2021 01:58
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(and I just now noticed I've been using this thread as a journal and not even realized it.)
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Dec 18, 2021 02:00
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Yeah, emotional extremes can be motivating. With the right amount of anger, I stand up to people and get poo poo done. I can also get overwhelmed and go into a severe depression or mania. Pretty sure I had my first manic episode a few months ago. I mostly just made an rear end of myself, but I know people who ended up in really bad situations. Manic episodes cause brain damage, and people may end up changed afterward. I definitely don't feel like the same person. The average lifespan of someone with bipolar disorder is significantly less than for the general population. I work very hard to stay out of those extremes, because I know how bad they are for me. I'm just trying to remain functional and keep that average from decreasing. I don't believe in pathologizing emotions. When I first started posting in this thread, someone told me that anger is the proper response to what's going on. That stuck with me. More power to anyone who manages to keep it motivating and not debilitating. EDIT: I've been using this thread as a journal for a while now. It seems to be a good place for it.
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Dec 18, 2021 03:55
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Your options are generally to go to jail, die in some shithole, find meaning in the kind of organizing sanctioned by liberal democracy or try to come to peace with the fact that the fate of the world is out of your hands. Most people do the latter, eventually. It does not sound like your anger is doing anyone any good right now, least of all yourself. Find a coping strategy. Maybe work out, or divert yourself. I know reminders are everywhere, but if something you're doing, or someone you are talking to is especially triggering then stop exposing yourself to that for a while.
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Dec 18, 2021 05:01
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thotsky posted:Your options are generally to go to jail, die in some shithole, find meaning in the kind of organizing sanctioned by liberal democracy or try to come to peace with the fact that the fate of the world is out of your hands. Most people do the latter, eventually. It does not sound like your anger is doing anyone any good right now, least of all yourself. Find a coping strategy. Maybe work out, or divert yourself. I know reminders are everywhere, but if something you're doing, or someone you are talking to is especially triggering then stop exposing yourself to that for a while. Again, and y'all are still not paying attention because Uganda has been the only one that actually attempted an answer: I know there are things that are outside of my control. I've made peace with that part long ago. The question that I keep asking and y'all keep ignoring is why does the onus fall on me to gaslight my own goddamned stupid rear end? Why am I required to fix something that I am fairly loving certain wasn't broke to begin with? Y'all wanna lie and say nothing can be done about it, you're free to do it in your own loving mirror because if I felt like cottoning to a willful lack of imagination like that I'd still be a goddamned democrat. Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 06:13 on Dec 18, 2021 |
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Dec 18, 2021 05:52
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jfc nobody's telling u to lie to yourself, ur not a loving god you can only do so much so do what u can eat some spaghetti and enjoy ur days
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Dec 18, 2021 06:55
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every day i wake up and ask myself "has the state of my material conditions deteriorated to the point where i am left with no other choice but to go out in a blaze of glory? rage against the dying of the light?" and "if i acted now regardless of my material conditions could i make a difference for others?" finally "would it be worth it to ruin the lives of the few good people i care about by doing so?" i truthfully answer no to all three questions and start the day at peace or as peaceful as one can get in these circumstances (im very peaceful. this is me, at peace.)
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Dec 18, 2021 07:37
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thehandtruck posted:jfc nobody's telling u to lie to yourself, ur not a loving god you can only do so much so do what u can eat some spaghetti and enjoy ur days Yep, and also, if you're waiting for someone else to fix everything you will be waiting a very long time. Learning to cope, in whatever way works for you, will still be neccesary, and nobody else can do that for you.
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Dec 18, 2021 14:54
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Gene Hackman Fan posted:So... Being told to look for positive poo poo in the world, it's awfully loving hard to be in the mood to look up feel-good stories when most of them tend to be along the lines of 'kid sells lemonade to pay for mother's chemo' normalizing horseshit. Being told to do anything doesn't feel good. For the longest time, I had this habit of carrying what I felt others were too ignorant to understand or too stupid to figure out. I kept trying to be "that guy" who just had it all figured out. I eventually came to this point where someone had to pull me to the side and tell me, "We loving get it dude", and It's almost like I hit this switch that turned everything off (anger, and such). Every once and a while I'd ride these waves where I'd go back to feeling like I needed to carry the world's emotions on my shoulders, and I too had the same issue where I just couldn't find the energy to find a "feel-good" story that'd lift my spirits. With practice, I started framing things a little differently by encouraging myself to understand and control what's exactly in between my left and right limits. I realized that it's on me to create my own feel good stories; not out of spite, or for attention - but just so that when I went to bed that night, I could account for at least one good decision I made that made somewhat of a difference in my life, or someone else's life. Your last question, "Why are we the ones-", is a completely valid question. We're the only ones who see the world as we do. We have to trust that what we see and perceive with our own two eyeballs is the exact same thing the person next to you is observing as well - and that's A LOT of trust that needs to be extended (for some). It's hard to fathom that others have the same internal voice we do when we ask ourselves questions. It's incredibly difficult for me at times to admit that I'm not the only one who has a conscious sometimes. I think we're the ones that have to make peace with all of this because we're the only ones that we know that can control what exactly happens when we're pushed into a corner. Josherino has issued a correction as of 16:48 on Dec 18, 2021 |
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Dec 18, 2021 16:44
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We're one week away from the holidays here, and I just wanted to stop by this morning and say "thank you" to everyone here that's posted, helped, or has just taken the time to listen. Happy Holidays, friends. Josherino has issued a correction as of 16:49 on Dec 18, 2021 |
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Dec 18, 2021 16:47
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I found Tacitus to legitimately help my emotional management, even if it does have some goon-rear end passages. Zhuangzi also really helped but that's more broad than specifically angry over sense of helplessness. Most feel good stories I find are just extra depressing as mentioned, but the 2 part series on It Could Happen Here about antiwork (especially the second one about Lying Flat) were really uplifting. I'm pretty stressed about this coming week. Christmas is always mega stressful but right now my mom has 10 broken ribs, COVID is shredding my city, and my coworkers are antimask and keep holding in person meetings. I'm at my parents already and thinking about just staying here coz it's like 90% chance I'll bring COVID back next week and I really don't want my mom to have coughing fits with her ribs all hosed.
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Dec 18, 2021 19:01
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Tulip posted:I found Tacitus to legitimately help my emotional management, even if it does have some goon-rear end passages. Zhuangzi also really helped but that's more broad than specifically angry over sense of helplessness. Most feel good stories I find are just extra depressing as mentioned, but the 2 part series on It Could Happen Here about antiwork (especially the second one about Lying Flat) were really uplifting. I think that mindfulness that you bring surrounding your circumstances say a lot about you - sending tons of kudos your way. I wish things weren't as stressful for you, but you're sounding pretty resilient to me, at least.
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Dec 18, 2021 19:26
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Well, one of the coping strategies that I'm employing here involves the recent knowledge that emotional dysregulation and ADHD is a thing. I think that's going to be the most important strategy to work on rn. While it'll still be there, it will soon be a scosh more tolerable. [He says from the bed of the er as he is strapped to an EKG because why the gently caress not add let's one more bill to the stack. I mean, I feel foolish, but not as foolish as I would have been had I not texted my siblings beforehand. But it turned out my problem correlated with a bunch of symptoms of a heart attack without actually being a heart attack. I figured it was nothing but I wanted to make sure it wasn't *something.* Weird hearing a doctor tell a 315lb man his heart was healthy, got to admit] thotsky posted:Yep, and also, if you're waiting for someone else to fix everything you will be waiting a very long time. Learning to cope, in whatever way works for you, will still be neccesary, and nobody else can do that for you. My problem is that's essentially what coping has come to mean rn. The anger is there, but the intrusion it makes into my life has not yet found a productive outlet, and that's the coping strategy I'm looking for here. Hell, half of my posting itt is my trying to talk one out. A man stumbling around his own head and it's dark in there. Because there's no observable light in there not that I'm trying to be some eggy dipshit. Hampton was right when he said you don't fight fire with fire. Stochastic terrorism is both a tool and a goal for the right, and I'll be absolutely hosed if I'm going to waste a good goddamned day off wasting expensive fuckin ammo on almost entirely good people who had nothing to do with why I'm angry about my inability to square the cognitive dissonance that's got me yelling to begin with. You fight fire with water. Their goal is to thin our numbers, our goal is to build them up. Edit: meant to say edgy but I feel like I got egg on my face rn EDIT edit: have I demonstrated how much of a low risk poster I am now or should I get the cert saying I don't have donkey brains and make that my avatar? Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 20:07 on Dec 18, 2021 |
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Dec 18, 2021 19:42
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My parents have started complaining that I never have anything to talk about. I insist that again my entire life is working from home and people don’t even talk to me if I don’t talk to them. They say I could talk about what I ate. Is this seriously the bullshit people talk about? Probably what I fear most about the collapse is life being reduced to what I hate the most about it: MAINTENANCE. Maintenance of your body, your health, your career, the five billion different things you have to do just to keep. I seek to eliminate all that. If I had a billion dollars I would never leave my bed again. And that maintenance is what people love about life? I don’t get it.
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Dec 18, 2021 21:08
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Expectation of small chat when in physical proximity is one of those cultural/generational things that I think has decreased a lot, I share most of your feelings. Mom uses dinner to both A) attempt to control my diet and body, B) subject me to the inane natterings in her head whether it was what pets and neighbors did or casually talk about the white surpremacy and brutal physical beatings to random people she and her family did as if they were wacky hijinks worthy of a chuckle all these years later, C) fear crime/whatever fox news tells her to fear, be especially afraid of undocumented immigrant rape-burglars biden has let back in seeking to take the white man's hard earned stuff.
Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 21:27 on Dec 18, 2021 |
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Dec 18, 2021 21:23
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I’m a little more than a month out of a really intense and passionate three-month relationship that turned emotionally abusive. I feel like I still love the person and am literally incapable of finding a “healthier” relationship because 1. im gay and 2. I am so addicted to trauma bonds because of the abuse I experienced with my father that any non abusive relationship will strike me as boring and dissatisfying. This is not the first time I have felt this way either.
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Dec 19, 2021 22:03
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TheLemonOfIchabod posted:I’m a little more than a month out of a really intense and passionate three-month relationship that turned emotionally abusive. I feel like I still love the person and am literally incapable of finding a “healthier” relationship because 1. im gay and 2. I am so addicted to trauma bonds because of the abuse I experienced with my father that any non abusive relationship will strike me as boring and dissatisfying. This is not the first time I have felt this way either. that's a very high level of insight. and the insight is the first step to not letting your trauma control your behaviors and desires. people can definitely be addicted to intensity and exhibit the same addictive behaviors. emotional intensity totally activates your nervous system like nothing else, besides maybe more trauma. i think there are AA type groups for that as well iirc. gl moving forward goon. lmk if u want any tips
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Dec 20, 2021 03:40
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I'm feeling the ups and downs more than usual. I was so glad to have a good night's sleep a few weeks ago that I posted about it. I was hoping it'd be a trend, but it wasn't. I know a lot of it is from anxiety around the holidays. Family members rented a cabin in the mountains, and want me to spend a week in close proximity with them. It's a genuinely nice offer, but I don't know how well I can handle it. All I could do on Thanksgiving was try to find the quietest, darkest room I could to wait it out. I was feeling crummy emotionally, but it was more than that. I don't know if it's a side effect from my medications, or just my lack of social interaction due to covid. I just have to get away from the sensory overload. I've always been able to ride these situations out before, no matter how depressed, anxious or angry I was. I have a phone appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner today, and we'll probably end up increasing my mood stabilizer and plan to ween me from the SSRI. The SSRI helped a bit with the depression, but I think it was what finally pushed me into mania a few months ago. Maybe I'll feel a bit more stable without it. I tried to do a project for my dad yesterday. He's in a lot of pain from sciatica, and may be on painkillers. He kept ordering me to do the work incorrectly, and became more insistent and aggressive as time went on. I told him I didn't want to do the project incorrectly, undo the project, then redo it correctly. I looked up photographic evidence of how things should've gone, and he just couldn't see it. He eventually admitted that I was right. By then, enough time had elapsed that I would have already been finished without his interference. As it stands, I never even started. I walked away when he became too belligerent for me to handle. I was left incredibly angry, which turned into depression as is my usual pattern. He followed up a little while later, demanding to know when I would do the project. I said "tomorrow," but what I meant was "when you're not around." I know the answer is to set boundaries. That's challenging with the emotional instability and insomnia, and nearly impossible when someone else is in that kind of state. I do my best to clamp down on the anger, but I think that just enables assholes. Bullies bank on my self-control to protect themselves from the consequences of their own actions. It's hard for me to find an appropriate response in that situation, especially when I'm not really with it at the moment. I was supposed to help interview a potential intern for our local NAMI chapter this morning, but one of the board members offered to do it herself when I mentioned how poorly I'm doing. I feel a bit bad about that, but mostly I just feel tired. EDIT: Had a good phone appointment with the NP. Upping the mood stabilizer. I'm trying to take my allergy meds more regularly, too. Maybe that'll help with sleep. I lost one of my nalgene water bottles, and I finally got around to ordering more. I tend to wake up dehydrated, so having more water within reach could help. Uganda Loves Me has issued a correction as of 00:39 on Dec 21, 2021 |
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Dec 20, 2021 22:54
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