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Honestly that's basically my holiday break plans
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Dec 25, 2021 03:44
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I mean
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Dec 25, 2021 04:51
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Well Mitch Hedberg was right, that would be too long.
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Dec 25, 2021 05:18
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ncumbered_by_idgits posted:And some of them just aren’t hall of fame caliber players either. But I can’t stress enough that NO ONE like Schilling. I went to Schilling’s death rally where he announced his brief and unlamented candidacy for the US Senate, and there were four actual supporters there. I still firmly believe that the whole thing was Ted Cruz’s idea, and that it was his desperate last-ditch of plan to have someone even less well liked than he in the Senate.
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Dec 25, 2021 06:09
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https://twitter.com/ApprovedAmerica/status/1472244130822733826
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Dec 25, 2021 12:30
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https://twitter.com/DefectorMedia/status/1474760333139099656
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Dec 25, 2021 23:18
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🎶 Four rubber balls Three gel pens Two bars of Dove And a plastic holder for T P 🎶
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Dec 25, 2021 23:25
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Thank the gods the knife was handle first.
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Dec 25, 2021 23:25
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The list, to save everyone else the trouble of getting around their stupid paywall: Ear CHRISTMAS LIGHT BULB MELATONIN GUMMY ESPRESSO BEANS “WAS AT SCHOOL TODAY WHEN SHE HAD A PENCIL IN HER LEFT EAR AND BROKE THE ERASER OFF INSIDE OF HER EAR. PATIENT ALSO HAD ANOTHER ERASER PLACED IN THE RIGHT EAR THREE DAYS AGO.” HAIRPIN CANDY WRAPPER TOILET PAPER AND APPLE SEED ”PT AND FRIEND WERE PLAYING WITH A BB GUN PT GRABBED SOME BB’S OFF THE GROUND IN HAND TRIED TO WIPE THEM OFF NEAR HEAD WHEN ONE BB FELL INTO HIS EAR. TRIED TO REMOVE PT PUSHED IN FURTHER.” LOLLIPOP GOOGLY EYE MATCH “THROWING BEADS AT HER FRIEND THEN THREW ONE AT HERSELF AND IT LODGED IN HER EAR” “WHILE AT RECESS SOME FRIENDS BROKE APART A NECKLACE AND STARTED THROWING AROUND THE BEADS FROM THE NECKLACE AND ONE LANDED IN PT’S LT EAR UNABLE TO REMOVE IT” WOODEN END OF PAINTBRUSH PIECE OF CAKE CHOPSTICK “PT STATES HE WAS PLAYING HIS BAGPIPES AND USUALLY WEARS EARPLUGS BUT EARPLUG GOT STUCK IN EAR AND HE CANNOT RETRIEVE.” MOTHBALL EUCALYPTUS OIL BLEACH GASOLINE HOT MILK “PUT THE END OF A BALLPOINT PEN IN THE EAR CANAL AND IT GOT LODGED AND THE PRISON STAFF WAS NOT ABLE TO REMOVE IT.” SEASHELL CIRCUS PEANUT PACKING PEANUT STICKY PUTTY “EAR PAIN AFTER USING CANDLE WAX & TWEEZERS TO REMOVE SOMETHING FROM EAR” BEAN TIC TAC “WAS PLAYING WITH HER HAIR AND TRYING TO PUT IT UP WITH A PHONE CHARGER. STATES THE END OF THE CHARGER WENT INTO HER EAR.” BALL PUMP COTTON BALLS AND PLASTIC TOY SWORD “PLAYING WITH TOY WRESTLER AND TOOK OUT SMALL BATTERY AND WAS PRETENDING IT WAS AN EARRING AT WHICH POINT IT FELL INTO HIS EAR CANAL” NOODLES “WAS TIRED OF HEARING HER MOTHER YELL AT HER SO SHE DECIDED TO PUT SOME STICKERS IN BOTH EARS” ALUMINUM FOIL, GLITTER, AND RHINESTONES Nose ALUMINUM FOIL RUBBER SNAKE PINK BALLOON “STUCK A ‘HARD POOP’ UP HER NOSE THAT SHE FOUND IN HER SISTER’S DRAWER IN THE BEDROOM” MULCH “PUT METAL WIRE UP THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS NOSE IN ORDER TO UNCLOG HIS SINUSES CAUSING BLEEDING” POTATO CHIP BAG CANDY CORN GUM WRAPPER “WAS PICKING HER NOSE WITH A COFFEE STIRRER AND IT BROKE OFF IN HER NOSE, SHE REPORTS TRYING TO GET IT OUT BUT IT WENT UP FURTHER” DOLL HEAD BULLET “WAS HELPING MOM FOLD CLOTHES AND INSERTED WHITE STRING INTO RIGHT NOSTRIL” SODA CAN TAB DISH SOAP ROCK FROM FISH TANK “PT WAS ATTEMPTING TO ‘PIERCE HER OWN NOSE’ WHEN SHE ACCIDENTALLY STUCK A BEAD UP HER L NOSTRIL.” CAT FOOD TOY PILL THAT EXPANDS INTO SPONGE DINOSAUR NUMBER 8 BUTTON FROM THE TV REMOTE “WITH HER PARENTS MOM DISCOVERED A PLASTIC BEAD STRUCK IN RT NOSTRIL TWIN SISTER W/ SAME PROBLEM” Throat “WAS HOLDING PILL IN ONE HAND & HIS EAR BUD IN THE OTHER HAND, GOT DISTRACTED & TOOK THE EAR BUD INSTEAD” “WAS AT HOME EATING POPCORN WHILE HOLDING COINS AND MIXED THEM TOGETHER.” VIDEO GAME CARTRIDGE “WAS IN THE HOSPITAL LOBBY CHEWING ON A PLASTIC BOTTLE CAP WHEN SHE ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT” RING POP MOOD RING SIM CARD USB CABLE “INHALED A SEWING NEEDLE IN A PLASTIC TUBE WITH A STRING ATTACHED WHEN TRYING TO USE IT AS A BLOWDART” MIRROR MAGNIFYING GLASS SEVERAL SMALL FISHING SINKERS “WAS SWINGING IN A SWING AND HIS BROTHER THREW SOME GRAVEL IN HIS FACE AND HE INHALED SOME” COLOGNE SAMPLE MOM’S BIRTH CONTROL PILLS UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF MARBLES STICKY HAND TOY “WAS PLAYING IN A SOCCER GAME W/ FRIENDS. HE HAD A THUMB TACK IN HIS MOUTH AND WHEN HE GOT EXCITED HE ASPIRATED THE THUMB TACK” WRAPPED CANDY GOLF PENCIL AND 5-8 HAIR BEADS “SWALLOWED A PENNY BECAUSE SHE SAYS SHE IS A ‘HUMAN PIGGY BANK’” “PER MOM SHE WAS LOOKING FOR HER CAR REMOTE & SAID OUT LOUD ‘WHERE IS THE BATTERY THAT GOES IN HERE’ PT REPLIED, ‘I ATE IT’” CEILING TILE HELLO KITTY GUITAR PICK “HE WAS DRINKING A SODA AND SAW A NAIL AT THE BOTTOM, STATES KIDS PLACED 2 NAILS IN THE DRINK, HE SWALLOWED 1” SMALL JUGGLING BALL QUARTER USED IN MAGIC TRICK POKER CHIP GOLF BALL MARKER “TRYING TO DO A PLASTIC BAG CHALLENGE – FILLED A PLASTIC BAG WITH LIQUID AND POPPING THE BAG WHILE TRYING TO SWALLOW THE LIQUID – SWALLOWED A PIECE OF THE BAG” CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT 3 CHRISTMAS TREE HOOKS FIVE-POINTED STAR JINGLE BELL “SWALLOWED A WATER BOTTLE CAP, NORMALLY POKES A HOLE IN THE CAP AND DRINKS THROUGH THE HOLE, BUT THIS TIME CAP CAME OFF WHEN ATTEMPTING TO DRINK AND HE SWALLOWED IT” BEE ENGAGEMENT RING “CONFETTI, STARTED COUGHING, SOME CAME UP” Penis PLASTIC FORK SPORK FOUR PLASTIC SPOONS MARBLE SCREW AND PIECE OF PEN TAPE AND PAPER “PUT A CHOPSTICK IN HIS URETHRA LAST NIGHT TO MAKE HIS PENIS LONGER AND WAS UNABLE TO REMOVE IT” BEADS ON STRING CLOTHING PRICE TAG END OF A RAT TAIL COMB TWO TWEEZERS “HEADPHONES CORD TO PREVENT WET DREAMS” NAILS HEX KEY DART BREAD TWIST TIE PIECE OF METAL FROM COVID MASK “WHILE MASTURBATING WITH A SEWING NEEDLE HE LOST CONTROL OF THE NEEDLE AND IT DISAPPEARED INTO THE MEATUS OF HIS PENIS” Vagina SPIKED PENIS RING TWO HALVES OF BROKEN COLORED PENCIL DISPOSABLE RAZOR HAIRBRUSH BARBELL PILL BOTTLE TWO BATTERIES PENNY AND SHAMPOO CAP “PATIENT WAS HAVING SEX WITH HER BOYFRIEND LAST NIGHT AND A VIBRATOR WAS PLACED IN HER VAGINA IT IS STILL VIBRATING AND IS STUCK” TOY DINOSAURS CANDLE A UNICORN HUSBAND’S WEDDING RING GLOW-IN-THE-DARK BALL DETERGENT POD SPIDER-MAN ACTION FIGURE Rectum BOTTLE CAP PLASTIC SODA BOTTLE “WAS ‘JOKING AROUND WITH FRIENDS’ WHEN JOKE WAS TAKEN TOO FAR AND A CAN WAS PUT INTO HIS RECTUM” CLICK GEL PEN BRONZE HANDLE OF A TOOL 2 BATTERIES GLUE BOTTLE “WENT TO SIT DOWN IN THE BATHTUB AND SAT ON A PLASTIC BOTTLE OF BUBBLE BATH THAT WENT INTO HIS RECTUM” FLATHEAD SCREWDRIVER PHILLIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER TOOTHBRUSH CASE PUMP ACTION PLASTIC ALCOHOL DISPENSER BAR OF SOAP ROLLING PIN “STATES HE AND HIS WIFE WERE HAVING SEX WHEN SHE PLACED A RUBBER PENIS IN HIS RECTUM AND IT BROKE OFF” “STUCK PLASTIC TOILET PAPER HOLDER IN RECTUM DURING SEXUAL ENCOUNTER W/ PARTNER WHILE INTOXICATED” “REPORTS WAS ‘PLAYING WITH MY WIFE’ WHEN THE CAP OF AN AEROSOL CAN BECAME DISLODGED & STUCK IN HIS RECTUM” RUBBER BALL SQUISHY BALL STRESS BALL BILLIARD BALL “PT STATES WAS ATTEMPTING TO HOLD A BALL IN GLUTEAL FOLD & BELIEVES GOT LOST. NOT 100% THAT BALL IS IN RECTUM” TOY DINOSAUR TOY ROCKET PUZZLE PIECES “SOME MARBLES” HEXBUG ROBOTIC TOY “STATES HE AND HIS FRIENDS HAD A PRACTICAL JOKE GOING ON EACH OTHER. THIS TIME, HE WAS SLEEPING WHEN HIS FRIEND PUT A DILDO IN HIS RECTUM AND NOW UNABLE TO GET IT OUT” SHAMPOO BOTTLE LOTION BOTTLE HAIRSPRAY “HAVING TROUBLE GOING POOP SO HE PLACED A MECHANICAL PENCIL IN HIS RECTUM. PT NOW UNABLE TO REMOVE. PENCIL IS STICKING OUT.” MAGIC DICE HEAD OF ACTION FIGURE TWEEZERS SCISSOR TONGS TOWEL WITH A SOCK OVER IT & GLOVE OVER THE SOCK AXE BODY SPRAY 12″ KNIFE HANDLE-FIRST “WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND BELIEVES THAT HE MAY HAVE PLACED A NICKEL AND A DIME INTO HIS RECTUM.” LIGHT BULB GRASS AND GOLF TEE CARROT LOTTERY TICKET “FOREIGN BODY IN HIS RECTUM. HE STATES HE ‘BELIEVES IT IS A VAPE’ AND IS NOT ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS.”
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Dec 26, 2021 00:00
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Knormal posted:The list, to save everyone else the trouble of getting around their stupid paywall: Thank you; you're doing the lord's work.
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Dec 26, 2021 03:45
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My favorite is "NOSE...TOY PILL THAT EXPANDS INTO SPONGE DINOSAUR." I'm just really enjoying the mental image.
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Dec 26, 2021 07:03
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Dec 26, 2021 07:26
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I can't stop thinking about the guy "eating popcorn while holding coins" and just slamming a mouthful of pennies, apparently? I just have some questions, is all.
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Dec 26, 2021 07:47
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Every loving year there is a light bulb  I want to know about the four plastic spoons in the penis, though. Like, in a bundle, or end to end, one after the other ?
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Dec 26, 2021 08:30
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Lol, someone swallowed a Switch cart.
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Dec 26, 2021 09:01
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Pouring hot milk in the ear sounds like a serious drinking problem. Also was the person stuffing his ear with espresso beans not aware of proper coffee making procedure?
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Dec 26, 2021 09:31
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This is the after-born abortion pill. Give it to the children, and the children is not more.
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Dec 26, 2021 10:10
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By popular demand posted:Pouring hot milk in the ear sounds like a serious drinking problem. At least they were making sure their ear was nice and clean before beginning by hitting it with the trusty old bleach
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Dec 26, 2021 11:18
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Tei posted:This is the after-born abortion pill. Give it to the children, and the children is not more. the other sponge
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Dec 26, 2021 23:18
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im the HOT MILK (ear)
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Dec 27, 2021 01:38
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https://twitter.com/Jerusalem_Post/status/1475243380384874497
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Dec 27, 2021 07:02
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8,000 years is about how long it took to advance from wine and cheese to soda pop and processed cheese spread product. makes you wonder what snack foods He'll enjoy in 8 millenia.
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Dec 27, 2021 10:20
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by then they will have combined soda pop and processed cheese spread into a single glorious fluid
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Dec 27, 2021 10:25
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Slurm
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Dec 27, 2021 13:54
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id eat that
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Dec 27, 2021 15:16
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Carthag Tuek posted:id eat that https://twitter.com/DrLongissimus/status/1474279234239619087
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Dec 27, 2021 15:19
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I followed the twitter hole 'till I got this: I wish I knew nothing of the baptism and had to figure out WTF.
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Dec 27, 2021 16:59
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Nothing will save you from my death ray, Mr Bond.
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Dec 27, 2021 23:50
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 Wishing everyone a fun and exciting 2022
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Dec 28, 2021 02:39
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https://twitter.com/brian_jphillips/status/1475912940444438529
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Dec 29, 2021 01:20
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 Welp,
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Dec 29, 2021 02:48
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Captain Hygiene posted:
I think one of the two remaining smallpox samples on earth is on ice in Siberia, which coincidentally enough, had an explosion in 2019. E: https://www.cnn.com/2019/09/17/health/russia-lab-explosion-smallpox-intl-hnk/index.html Cacafuego has a new favorite as of 03:19 on Dec 29, 2021 |
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Dec 29, 2021 03:16
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I already watched that show, and it was Svalbard, not Siberia. Wasps. That came out of a mammoth. And made people vomit inside other people.
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Dec 29, 2021 03:21
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We already have a highly effective, long-lasting and relatively safe vaccine for smallpox. Find me something spicier and I might pay attention.
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Dec 29, 2021 03:31
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Scarodactyl posted:We already have a highly effective, long-lasting and relatively safe vaccine for smallpox. Have you considered what will happen when we're eventually faced with largepox
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Dec 29, 2021 03:32
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Captain Hygiene posted:Have you considered what will happen when we're eventually faced with largepox
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Dec 29, 2021 03:33
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Scarodactyl posted:We already have a highly effective, long-lasting and relatively safe vaccine for smallpox. Find me something spicier and I might pay attention. Yeah for real. Smallpox is awful, but if a deadly pathogen is unleashed upon the world, by far the least awful possibility is that it’s the only one that we have demonstrated that we can successfully eradicate from the human population.
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Dec 29, 2021 04:07
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https://twitter.com/based_ball/status/1476021310836797441
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Dec 29, 2021 05:36
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Scarodactyl posted:We already have a highly effective, long-lasting and relatively safe vaccine for smallpox. Find me something spicier and I might pay attention. Ah yes, the Vaccine, something that has a proven record against disease, lately
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Dec 29, 2021 06:20
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Evilreaver posted:Ah yes, the Vaccine, something that has a proven record against disease, lately
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Dec 29, 2021 07:16
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