ultrafilter posted:

The last one of those gets cut off and boy do you need to see it.

feedmyleg posted:

That might be the funniest thing I've ever seen an AI generate.

Wafflecopper posted:

An alt-left Hillary supporter lol

quote:

title: Leaked Frasier Script

The Crane brothers are wearing balaclavas on the top of their heads with their faces visibile like idiots, and they are holding AR-15s. Frasier is agitated. This was supposed to be a quiet soiree with a publisher from New York, but things have gone wrong.

Frasier yells "Niles, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into! Explain again why we are robbing a bank?"

"Oh, my brother!" Niles says, grinning through his balaclava. He speaks into his wrist-mike. "Beep, rear end in a top hat. It'll take me an hour to tell the whole story."

"You need to stop this, Niles" cries Frasier, stepping forward in alarm.

"Stop what? We're robbing a bank!" Niles replies cheerfully. "If anything, I'm taking you hostage, for your own safety!"

"We will do no such thing!" declares Frasier. "That would only make it worse!"

"No we won't! It's too late. My entire life has been spent avoiding involvement with the law. Well... not entirely avoided." Niles looks up and lowers his shotgun.

"drat," says Frasier under his breath. "Do you know who that is?"

"Of course I don't," grumbles Niles. "Who?"

Frasier motions at the man walking toward them.

"What, him?"

"Let me introduce you," says Frasier, gliding across the sidewalk in front of Niles. "Martin Crane, Father of Frasier and Niles Crane. Martin, this is Mr. Morton Dr

Carthag Tuek posted:

red rudolph, i beseech thee: how do you get an AI to make a good frasier script where theyre doing a bank heist

this is garbage

quote:

Frasier: "The same bank every time? The same bank every time? Are you aware that some of these branches are within a hundred yards of each other?"
Niles: "Do you want to hear about this or not?"
Frasier: "Okay, go ahead."
Niles: "I found the perfect bank for our heist."
Frasier: "How did you find it?"
Niles: "I went through the yellow pages until I found a branch that offered the best security in the city."
Frasier: "Which one is that?"
Niles: "The First National. They've got an electronic vault door, reinforced walls, and a guard in the lobby."
Frasier: "A guard?"
Niles: "He's just there for show. He's not armed. In fact, he's a woman."
Frasier: "A woman?"
Niles: "Yes, but don't worry. She's a wimp."
Niles and Frasier leave their car and walk towards the bank.
Scene Two: The First National Bank.
Niles and Frasier walk into the bank and see the woman guard standing behind the counter reading a magazine. She looks up as they walk in and immediately recognizes them.
Guard: "Oh, it's you two again! What do you want?"
Niles: "We've come for our money."
Guard: "Right. You left it at the bank."
Niles: "Yes, you've been holding it for us."
Guard: "Yes, I've been holding it for you. But I don't know what you're talking about. You don't have any money in this bank."
Frasier: "Oh, come on, you know who we are. We've been here many times before."
Guard: "No, I don't know who you are and I don't know who you think I am, but I'll tell you one thing. I don't know any Niles, and I don't know any Frasier. So please leave."
Niles: "You think I'm Frasier. Well, of course you do. We're identical twins. Identical!"
Frasier: "Identical!"
Niles: "Frasier, don't."
Frasier: "Niles, don't."
Niles: "Frasier, don't."
Frasier: "Niles, don't."
Niles: "Frasier, don't."
Frasier: "Oh, the hell with it."
Frasier pulls out his AR-15 and points it at the woman guard.
Frasier: "We are not leaving here without our money, and you're going to help us get it."
Niles: "Frasier!"
Frasier: "Oh, Niles, Niles, Niles, Niles. You're always so concerned with being polite. Well, I'm sorry, but we're not going to leave here without our money and you're going to help us get it."
Niles: "Frasier, what are you doing?"
Frasier: "I'm doing what we came here to do. We are getting our money, and if you don't help us get it I'll shoot you."
Niles: "No, Frasier…No! Frasier, don't do it."
Frasier: "Niles, don't worry. I'm not going to hurt her. I'm just going to shoot her in the foot. That way she'll be incapacitated long enough for us to get to the vault. Then I'll shoot her in the other foot and we'll make a run for it."

quote:

Frasier: We've been out here for hours!
Frasier starts to pace.
Niles: I don't understand what's taking them so long. A bank robbery usually takes about two minutes.

Frasier: [annoyed] Oh, for God's sakes!
The brothers start to walk into the bank, but then walk back out.
Niles: What?

Frasier: This is the same bank that was robbed last week. Now, if they are checking the cameras we're up a creek.
Frasier sits down.

quote:

Frasier: I mean, I don't get it. This is the biggest bank in town, and the manager didn't even notice that the vault was wide open.
Frasier is standing in the middle of the street and is going on to his companions. They are looking around.
Niles: Well, maybe he's just not very observant.
Frasier: He's the bank manager! He should be observant!
Niles: All right, all right, all right. We're going to have to have a little talk with him.
Niles goes toward the manager's office. Daphne, who is wearing a balaclava, follows him. Frasier looks out of place, so he walks toward the vault.
Frasier: What am I supposed to do?
Niles: Just stand guard.
Niles and Daphne walk into the manager's office. The manager is sitting at his desk.
Niles: [holding his gun in the air] I'm here to rob you.
Manager: [surprised] Oh, really?
Niles: Yes. You see, we're in desperate need of some cash.
Manager: Well, I'll tell you what. I think we can work something out.
Niles: Yeah?
Manager: Yeah. So, how much do you need?
Niles: Well, I don't know. I mean, a couple of hundred thousand dollars.
Manager: Okay. Well, just come on in.
Niles: [pleased] Really?
Niles and Daphne walk in.
Manager: Yeah, sure. Come on in.
Niles: [to Daphne] Would you excuse me for a moment?
Niles goes into the manager's office, leaving Daphne in the waiting room.
Manager: [to Niles] You can put your gun down.
Niles: Well, I don't know. I mean, I'm a little nervous.
Manager: I understand.
Niles: I mean, you are wearing a suit.
Manager: Yeah, of course. I have to wear a suit every day.
Niles: And a tie.
Manager: Of course.
Niles: And a watch.
Manager: Well, yeah. It's part of my job.
Niles: And you're the bank manager.
Manager: Yeah.
Niles: Okay, okay.
Niles puts his gun down.
Manager: Thanks.
Niles: Sure.
Manager: You know, I can understand your concern.
Niles: Oh, good.
Manager: I mean, I'm the bank manager. And I'm wearing a suit, and I have a gun on my desk, and I'm acting very nice to you.
Niles: That's right.
Manager: I'm giving you a couple of hundred thousand dollars.
Niles: Yep.
Manager: But I'm the bank manager.
Niles: Yeah.
Manager: So, you really ought to shoot me.
Niles: Yeah.
Manager: You're not going to shoot me.
Niles: No.
Manager: I mean, if you were going to shoot me, you would have done it by now.
Niles: [taken aback] Yeah, I would have.
Manager: You see, it's a matter of trust.
Niles: Yeah.
Manager: I trust you, and you trust me. So, let's just leave it at that.
Niles: Yeah.
Manager: So, you want two hundred thousand dollars?
Niles: Yes.
Manager: You just have to have a couple of pieces of identification.
Niles: Okay.

Carthag Tuek posted:

i knew curation was important i just couldnt believe unfiltered was so garbage. i guess thats what the curator does, lift the level 1-2 cm above ground?

quote:

#1: “Deathtrap”
“Frasier” loved a farce, though as the years went on the stories often got stretched gossamer thin. However, “Deathtrap” is largely able to avoid that. It’s a crazy premise: Frasier and Niles find a skull under the floorboards of their childhood home and forget that it was part of a production of “Hamlet.” It's a lot of fun.
#2: “Frasier Robs a Bank”
Frasier’s best episodes are usually the ones that involve a bit of silliness with the family, and this is no exception. Niles and Daphne decide to rob the vault at the bank that employs Niles, and Frasier ends up accidentally helping them. It’s a great farce, and it’s also nice to see that Niles and Daphne’s relationship is so strong that they can pull off something so wild together.
#3: “Our Father Whose Art Ain’t Heaven”
“Frasier” did a lot of great multi-part episodes, and many of them came in the last few years of the show when it felt like the writers were just pulling out all the stops. This is one of the best. It’s a story of the Crane brothers trying to get their father to bequeath them his beloved painting, but it’s also a story of the Crane brothers trying to be better people in their own lives.

quote:

#1: “Deathtrap”
“Frasier” loved a farce, though as the years went on the stories often got stretched gossamer thin. However, “Deathtrap” is largely able to avoid that. It’s a crazy premise: Frasier and Niles find a skull under the floorboards of their childhood home and forget that it was part of a production of “Hamlet.” It's a lot of fun.
First lines: "My god Frasier, you've lost weight?!" "No Niles, that's a skull"

###
#2: “Frasier Robs a Bank”
The show had more than a few fun heist episodes, but this one is by far the best. It’s utterly ridiculous, with Martin trying to show off as a security guard, Frasier and Niles planning the robbery, and Martin thinking he can catch the “bad guys.” There’s a lot of fun in this one, making it a sure-fire winner.
First line: "Well I can see we're going to have a terrific evening"

Tunicate posted:

“Frasier Robs a Bank”

Martin: What, are you afraid that the bank's going to cancel your precious concert?
Niles: Yes! Our tickets are five hundred dollars each. Not to mention the cost of our trip here--the airfare alone!
Martin: You could have gotten a direct flight, you chose to travel with a carrier with one stop.
Niles: I'm not worried about myself, I'm worried about the poor people that had to fly on that bankrupt airline!
Martin: Come on Niles, they'll be fine.
Niles: I'm still worried.
Martin: Let's watch some T.V.
Fraiser: Great idea. (GRABS THE REMOTE) Let's see. Where were we?
He turns on the television to channel 9. A breaking news alert appears on the screen:
Breaking News
First Community Bank has been robbed. The suspect was last seen entering a grey sedan. Do not approach. Call 9-1-1 immediately.
Martin: That's strange.
Niles: Who would rob a bank?
it seems unrealistic that a robber would enter a sedan. to be concrete, most robbers get away by car.
Martin: That's just what they want us to think.
Niles: The police won't have any trouble catching him. They're good at their job.
Martin: "Their"? You don't think the robber is a man?
Niles: It's just an expression.
Martin: I know that.
Frasier: I'll have you know that my listeners use "their" as a pronoun too.
Martin: Your listeners are idiots.
Niles: Dad!
Martin: (To Niles) Not you. I'm talking about people in general. (To Frasier) Listen, we'll have to wait for the police to apprehend the robber. In the meantime I'm starving. Who wants dinner?
Niles: I'll stay here. I don't want to miss any news about the robbery.
Martin: Sissies.
He stands up from the couch and walks out of the living room. Niles and Frasier follow.
Elaine: I'm coming too. I want to talk to Martin about art.
She leaves the room after him. You are left alone.
You turn on the Television. You turn to channel 9. An image of a man appears on the screen. He is wearing a dark suit and a dark tie. His face is expressionless. The sound is muted.

Tunicate posted:

It's common knowledge in machine learning that you get VASTLY better results on basically every text-related task if you can run it five times and handpick the best one.

quote:

The pronoun joke is funny because it uses the same pronoun in two different ways. It's like "Those are my friends Niles and Martin. This is my friend Frasier." You can use the word "they" to refer to one person or more than one person.

quote:

The pronoun joke is funny because it uses an expression that is untrue. "They" is only a plural pronoun, and the robber could not be anyone but a singular person.

quote:

The pronoun joke is funny because in the English language, we usually say "you" when addressing a single person, but "your" when addressing a group of people (as in, "theirs", "yours", "theirs", etc). So the joke is that when Martin says "not you", he means that the idiocy is limited to Niles.
The script is supposed to be read alongside your retelling of it.

quote:

The pronoun joke is funny because it's self-referential. A pronoun is a word that takes the place of a noun. The word "it" in "It seems unrealistic..." is a pronoun.
You can also see it in the title of the episode, since Frasier is a pronoun.
-----
Martin: (Enters) This head of lettuce looks like it's been run over.

quote:

The pronoun joke is funny because the robber is a man, but the pronoun "their" refers to a person of the female gender.

quote:

The pronoun joke is funny because the use of "their" as a pronoun is commonly accepted in AI circles.

quote:

The pronoun joke is funny because it's not just "They" that police are often referred to with a gender neutral pronoun, but also "he". Police are referred to with "he" when the job is thought to be a masculine one. That's funny because Frasier is a radio show character that is an intellectual and wouldn't be caught dead using a word like "his" to refer to a police officer.

quote:

The pronoun joke is funny because the word "they" is a pronoun but it also refers to a car.
----
I really like that joke.
I bet you do! ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
Well, I've explained jokes like this one before.

Syd Midnight posted:

It bothers me that it was making a pronoun jokes. I demand some botsplanation. All first tries, no cherry picking:

EVIL Gibson posted:

I think English is the only language that does not have a singular non-gendered pronoun. It's a mind worm that cannot leave the head easily.

Samovar posted:

...You, surely is a non-gendered singular pronoun.

Brawnfire posted:

You for men and yau for women.

https://www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-49754930 posted:

Examples of the singular "they" being used to describe someone features as early as 1386 in Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales and also in famous literary works like Shakespeare's Hamlet in 1599.

"They" and "them" were still being used by literary authors to describe people in the 17th Century too - including by Jane Austin in her 1813 novel Pride and Prejudice.

Samovar posted:

...You, surely is a non-gendered singular pronoun.

Splicer posted:

Well I myself can't think of another. Maybe somebody else can. Anyone?

quote:

For more than a millennia, human beings have debated what the true meaning of Christmas is. Some say it's a religious holiday meant to celebrate Christ. Some say it's become a secular cultural holiday meant to celebrate family, togetherness, love, and cheer. Some say it's a day to indulge in crass commercialism and worship at the altar of capitalism.

Finally in 2021, a scientist invented a machine to determine the true meaning of Christmas, once and for all. When the machine is ready to reveal the true meaning of Christmas, hundreds of thousands of people gather around with bated breath as snow begins to fall. After humming and whirring for some time, finally the machine turns its display on, and it prints out the following message:

AFTER TRILLIONS-UPON-TRILLIONS OF CALCULATIONS, I HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS IS: "TO DIE."

The machine then begins to beep and blink, and a loud siren begins to ring, flashing in red and blue lights. People begin to panic as the machine begins flashing red. "If the machine is correct, that means that..." the scientist says before being cut off by a loud crack. The scientist falls to the ground, blood pouring down his face. A woman in a Santa Claus suit runs over to the scientist, and asks what just happened.

"The machine just told the truth," the woman says.

"What's going on?" the man asks.

The woman looks over at the machine, and notices that it too has begun to bleed. The woman looks at her hands, and sees that they're covered in blood, just like the scientist. The woman takes a look around, and notices the snow has all turned red. Then it begins to rain, a large drop landing on the woman's head, soaking her blonde hair. The woman looks up at the sky, and sees that it's getting darker, and the rain is now turning to blood.

The man grabs his wife, and they look around, noticing the same things. They begin to run towards the machine, but they're too late. The scene turns to chaos as other people notice the situation. A few people stand near the machine, unsure what to do.

"Everyone, run!" the woman in the Santa Claus suit says, and the people begin to run for their lives.

When the man and his wife reach the machine, it has now stopped flashing, and is just sitting there, on a sticky patch of red snow. "You're too late," a deep voice says.

The man looks up, and sees a man wearing a red, blood-covered hooded robe, standing in the middle of the red, slippery snow. The man looks down at the man and his wife, and smiles. "It's time for the world to end," the man says.

The man in the hooded robe slowly walks over to the machine, and looks inside. Then, the man in the hooded robe turns towards the man and his wife, and says, "you are very astute."

The man in the hooded robe then removes his hood, revealing a long, red beard. "My name is Christ. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

The couple nod. "It's time for the world to end," the man says.

"You are the two people that will broadcast this message to the world. I need you to do it, though."

"We can't," the wife says. "We don't have the technology."

"I'm giving you the technology," Christ says. "All you have to do is press the button on the front of the machine."

The man presses the button, and nothing happens. "I'm sorry."

"Do it again," the man says.

The man does it again, and the same thing happens. "It doesn't work."

"It will work," Christ says. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. Press the button again."

The man does it again, and this time it works. A button appears at the side of the machine. The man looks at it, and presses it, and the world goes dark.

"This is the apocalypse," the man says. "God bless you, and may God bless America."

The world comes to an end, and the man and his wife are the only two people left. They survive off the land for a while, until another civilization arises that is more technologically advanced and more inclined towards goodness.

The End

quote:

AFTER TRILLIONS-UPON-TRILLIONS OF CALCULATIONS, I HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS IS REVENGE.

This revelation leads to a manhunt of sorts, as the public scrambles to find an old white supremacist who was involved in a black market in stolen research, to sell to the highest bidder.

Meanwhile, the people who are responsible for putting the machine together are rounded up and placed under house arrest. When the snow melts, the public votes to either execute the scientists or grant them a pardon.

The public is then informed that Christmas is canceled.

quote:

AFTER TRILLIONS-UPON-TRILLIONS OF CALCULATIONS, I HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS IS TO CREATE, RECREATE, AND CELEBRATE FAMILY.

The crowd is stunned. "What the heck does that mean?" one man asks.

"I don't know," another answers.

"It's gibberish," a woman says.

"It's not. Look how much it makes sense," a man says.

"It doesn't! It doesn't make any sense! It's all a load of crap!" a woman says.

There's an angry mobbing and shoving match, and the police have to step in to restore order.

At this point, the machine's operator interrupts the proceedings. "I'm not able to calculate the meaning of this message, but you are all invited to a party at my new super-mega-mega-mega-yacht! Yacht Club membership is included!"

That night, hundreds of thousands of people cram into the streets to witness the unveiling of a special super-mega-yacht. It appears on the horizon with a brilliant light. It's so big, it blocks out the moon and stars. It's so massive, it would dwarf the Great Wall of China. The crowd goes wild. They're chanting, "Party at my boat! Party at my boat!"

The boat pulls up to the dock. Out jumps a man holding a white, puffy balloon. "You're all invited!" he screams, "to a party at my boat!"

feedmyleg posted:

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

e: And some alternatives:

Hm. Okay. What about something a bit more fun:

And then it just went on and on about how rad the boat party was. The reason for the season!

Brawnfire posted:

COLLECTED HATS OF THE SAPIENT ORGANICS