PYF Horrible Food: your favorite procedurally generated menu items

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Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Alhazred posted:

https://twitter.com/FootyScran/status/1488242848461996032

Two packets of mayo? Now that's a bargain!

# ? Feb 1, 2022 18:43

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# ? May 25, 2024 02:21

Zero_Grade: Mar 18, 2004; Darktider 🖤🌊

~Neck Angels~

Yeah I couldn't figure out what the hell "sherry wine flavor" was supposed to be and just assumed it was supposed to be sherry.

Captain Hygiene posted:

"actually close to drinkable" is far more than I expected, so I guess that's a win!

Same here, although I can't rule out that it may be due to me chilling the thing in an authentic Frigidaire� refrigerator just as called for.

F_Shit_Fitzgerald posted:

Ketchup and raisins seem like such an odd combination. I might like this drink if I were more of a ketchup fan.

I'm not a mixologist, but if I were to try to improve this while keeping the general spirit of the recipe intact, I'd lean more into making it a weird variation on a bloody mary. Use tomato juice instead of ketchup (because, come on), a bit more Tabasco, and finely grind the almonds to use as a glass rimmer instead of as a garnish. The raisins are the key thing I'm not really sure how to incorporate. You really want to avoid the awful texture surprises they bring to the drink, so maybe either blend them in or bury them under a bunch of ice cubes?

# ? Feb 1, 2022 18:47

F_Shit_Fitzgerald: Feb 2, 2017

Zero_Grade posted:

I'm not a mixologist, but if I were to try to improve this while keeping the general spirit of the recipe intact, I'd lean more into making it a weird variation on a bloody mary. Use tomato juice instead of ketchup (because, come on), a bit more Tabasco, and finely grind the almonds to use as a glass rimmer instead of as a garnish. The raisins are the key thing I'm not really sure how to incorporate. You really want to avoid the awful texture surprises they bring to the drink, so maybe either blend them in or bury them under a bunch of ice cubes?

I'm not either, but I wonder if you could muddle them for the flavor and just get rid of the pulp that's left?

# ? Feb 1, 2022 18:52

TotalLossBrain: Oct 20, 2010; Hier graben!

Fish don't have fingers

# ? Feb 1, 2022 19:56

FreudianSlippers: Apr 12, 2010; Shooting and Fucking
are the same thing!

This is Creature From The Black Lagoon erasure.

# ? Feb 1, 2022 19:58

steinrokkan: Apr 2, 2011; Soiled Meat

TotalLossBrain posted:

Fish don't have fingers

Of course they don't, they all get snipped at birth and sold in sandwiches.

# ? Feb 1, 2022 20:01

Ror: Oct 21, 2010; 😸Everything's 🗞️ purrfect!💯🤟

TotalLossBrain posted:

Fish don't have fingers

What the gently caress did you just loving say about me

# ? Feb 1, 2022 20:42

bawk: Mar 31, 2013

Ror posted:

What the gently caress did you just loving say about me

Go back to drinking your deep sea kool-aid you fingy bastard

# ? Feb 1, 2022 21:05

TotalLossBrain: Oct 20, 2010; Hier graben!

Those fingats look nasty.

Sign me up for some coelacanth limbs though. Those look delicious

# ? Feb 1, 2022 21:18

Whooping Crabs: Apr 13, 2010; Sorry for the derail but I fuckin love me some racoons

Ordinary Sausage made a pickled pigs feet sausage. It's horrifying.

https://youtu.be/0F_8cf09xWM

# ? Feb 1, 2022 22:01

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Sakurazuka posted:

More fingers than I would expect tbh

It fuckin wants to be for four loving quid.

# ? Feb 1, 2022 22:33

Pseudohog: Apr 4, 2007

theironjef posted:

That recipe doesn't call for sherry, it calls for "sherry wine flavor" which to me suggests you're supposed to soak the raisins in some antique extract that no one really makes any more. Well, someone does: https://getsuckered.com/products/sherry-flavoring

My assumption is that it's not supposed to be an actual cocktail, but something more like a prawn cocktail. So the raisins get soaked in the sherry flavour stuff, then served with a dollop of the tomato and Tabasco sauce on top.
Sounds more likely to me than a cocktail with raisins floating in it, but still not something I'd want to try!

# ? Feb 1, 2022 22:35

RoboRodent: Sep 19, 2012

I do not want chunks in my cocktails, as a rule.

This bothers me with sangria too, to be fair.

# ? Feb 1, 2022 22:41

Ror: Oct 21, 2010; 😸Everything's 🗞️ purrfect!💯🤟

The first guy who stuck a celery stalk into a Bloody Mary had no idea the floodgates he was opening for cramming poo poo into a cocktail.

You don't even have to search for any crazy bullshit, just an image search for regular "bloody mary" turns up countless of the stuffed abominations. It's what they are now.

# ? Feb 1, 2022 22:42

Butterfly Valley: Apr 19, 2007; I am a spectacularly bad poster and everyone in the Schadenfreude thread hates my guts.

fish finger sandwiches need ketchup not mayo

# ? Feb 2, 2022 02:10

Maigius: Jun 29, 2013

# ? Feb 2, 2022 02:27

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Butterfly Valley posted:

fish finger sandwiches need ketchup not mayo

Yeah, nah. I'll take mustard or tartar sauce, but ketchup is beggar's belief.

# ? Feb 2, 2022 02:29

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

Butterfly Valley posted:

fish finger sandwiches need ketchup not mayo

wtf

# ? Feb 2, 2022 02:34

OwlFancier: Aug 22, 2013

Butterfly Valley posted:

fish finger sandwiches need ketchup not mayo

this is also true

# ? Feb 2, 2022 02:35

Derek of the Andes: Dec 10, 2009

Ror posted:

What the gently caress did you just loving say about me

Goddamn Trump fish!

# ? Feb 2, 2022 02:35

Brawnfire: Jul 13, 2004; 🎧Listen to Cylindricule!🎵
https://linktr.ee/Cylindricule

Ror posted:

What the gently caress did you just loving say about me

Which Commander Keen was this guy in

# ? Feb 2, 2022 03:17

Fartington Butts: Jan 21, 2007

Brawnfire posted:

Which Commander Keen was this guy in

# ? Feb 2, 2022 04:47

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

Pic from a golden corral

# ? Feb 2, 2022 05:38

Brawnfire: Jul 13, 2004; 🎧Listen to Cylindricule!🎵
https://linktr.ee/Cylindricule

Aardvark! posted:

Pic from a golden corral

What the gently caress? Why even go to a restaurant? That looks like someone got stoned and served up every snack and freezer item they had at once

# ? Feb 2, 2022 05:44

PringleCreamEgg: Jul 2, 2004; Sleep, rest, do your best.

Buffets such as Golden Corral are more for enjoying the people watching than enjoying the food.

I was at a Chinese buffet and saw a dude make a log cabin out of spring rolls then fill it with sweet and sour. Incredible stuff.

# ? Feb 2, 2022 05:47

Brawnfire: Jul 13, 2004; 🎧Listen to Cylindricule!🎵
https://linktr.ee/Cylindricule

That's inspired

# ? Feb 2, 2022 05:49

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

I go to Chinese buffets to eat an entire pile of egg rolls and chicken on a stick and that creamy condensed milky coconut shrimp if they have it, personally :q:

# ? Feb 2, 2022 05:51

shelley: Nov 8, 2010

QuickbreathFinisher posted:

does anyone have this ancient internet artifact: a disgusting Obama era copypasta about the chocolate wonderfall at Golden corral

That�s part of a series of posts from these very forums. Here�s the bit about the Chocolate Wonderfall:

JonathonSpectre posted:

OK, so, as promised, the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL.

That's right, a non-stop flowing river of chocolate decadence.
That's right, a non-stop flowing river of chocolate decadence.

What a loving weird commercial. Also note the comments on that video. User 'goldencorral' doing damage control, y'all.

"I SAW A CHILD BLOW A RIVER OF SNOT INTO THE CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL."
"Really sorry to hear that! Could you give me some follow-up info?"

I have no idea how it's legal to have this thing. At first glance it's like, "Yeah, that's kind of cool, looks tasty," but then on further reflection you begin to think of terms like "vector" and "transmission" and "patient zero" and start to reconsider. They don't let restaurants serve food "family style" (big bowls and serving spoons in a common dish on the table) and this seems like family style on steroids. I dunno.

Bruce told me about the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL one night on the way to GC. "Dude, they have like this chocolate river thing now, you'll see."

"Is it good?"

"No, dude. No. Just watch."

Now, they have a person who stands in the dessert section who is supposed to, I guess, guard the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL? But they are not always there, and occasionally disappear into the back of the restaurant to do whatever it is that is done back there. This is as effective as any guard who is randomly gone. But in case user 'goldencorral' is in this thread, I will say that every gross/unsanitary thing I've seen regarding the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL has taken place when this person, who I will call Deputy Sweeto, was gone.

Now, if you watched that commercial, you saw the way people are actually supposed to engage with the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL. Take a piece of something that would be good with chocolate, stick it on a skewer, stick it under the chocolate, you are done. Put it on a plate so it doesn't drop all over the place, go back to your seat, eat, enjoy, go home. Fifty return trips to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL optional, but necessary.

So here are some things I've seen people do with the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL. Note that the real threat to the integrity of the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL is not adults, who although they may do disgusting and unhealthy things to it (such as using, say, actual loving fudge as the material to be chocolate-covered) most of them are conscientious enough to not be unsanitary.

Oh, but unattended children, they Do. Not. Give. A. gently caress. And believe me, at GC there's going to be some unattended children, because mommy and daddy are trying to get their DPS up people, and paying attention to their precious living things might result in someone else getting more of the mac and cheese crust covering by delaying their second multiplate.

Chocolate chicken leg: This is what I saw the first time I went there and just before the only time I contemplated chocolating something up. Just as I was about to get up, I watched a little kid, probably about 6-7 years old, walk up to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL and stick a fried chicken leg in it.

Now, frankly, this is loving hilarious. Just really think for a minute about seeing this, the little dude just staggering over to the chocolate and plunging a fried chicken leg into it. There's no question at this point that little bits of fried batter are getting knocked off by the power of the WONDERFALL and merging with the chocolate, and I know there's nothing I'd like better on a strawberry than some soggy, chocolate-infused fried chicken coating. So already Bruce and I are laughing so loving hard we're practically injuring ourselves, but this gets better. After thoroughly chocolating this chicken leg, the kid yanks it out from under the WONDERFALL, makes no attempt to put a plate under it or anything, and turns and walks away from the thing, trailing the chicken leg at his side like a caveman's club.

Well, it is dripping chocolate. Not a lot, but some, and no one is paying attention to it, so people are walking through this liquid chocolate and just smearing it all over the place and making a hellish, God-awful mess. Admittedly, it's just around that dessert section, which is tile, but still. Little dude walks back to his table, looks at the chicken leg with some consternation, and then just throws it under the table on the floor.

Makeshift Mole: Man, chicken mole is loving delicious, and it's basically what I order at every Mexican restaurant who serves it. For those who don't know, mole is kind of like a spicy sauce that often incorporates chocolate or cocoa and, for emphasis, is loving delicious. But it tastes nothing like chocolate, it's mainly peppery spicy with just a hint of the sweet-bitterness of chocolate.

gently caress me, now I want some mole. Anyway, I've seen a dude take a plate of bourbon chicken (which, to the uninitiated, is basically chicken bits in a brown fructose sauce... but okay, it's delicious too), walk over to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL, and use a spoon to completely cover his already-soaked-in-loving-sugary-solution chicken pieces in milk chocolate. Ol' Deputy Sweeto was there for this one, but didn't say anything because, well, what the guy was doing wasn't unsanitary or harming the fountain or anything, it was just, you know, gross beyond belief at the cellular level. As he walked away Deputy Sweeto caught me staring. We locked eyes across the restaurant, shared a brief look of "What have we seen? Others have not...", and then went about our normal business, strangers connected by a shared glimpse into the Maw of Chicken Madness.

Dude took his chocolate bourbon chicken over to the buffet, put a little rice on the side, and went and ate the whole loving thing. Frankly I was tempted to go get a chunk or two of bourbon chicken and do the same thing myself just to see what the gently caress that could possibly taste like and why someone would eat a plate of it, but then I realized that I will at some point want to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of my life as a human being and so I didn't.

CHOCOLATE WONDERSPRAY: Occasionally you will get someone who is not satisfied with a single layer of chocolate on their treat, and they will stand for a moment and let the chocolate on their tastybit harden a smidge and put some more chocolate on it. OK so by occasionally I mean "almost everyone does this." I don't consider this horrid gluttony unless you're up there for loving five minutes and walk away with a chocolate baseball on a stick (but yes, I've seen people stand up there and do that for literally five minutes before, I think they are mainly just trying to drip as much chocolate as possible onto the plate they hold beneath it, "Whoops, now I guess I have to eat all this too, mustn't waste!"). But this little girl takes the cake for that poo poo. If standing there and maybe gently blowing on your chocolate-covered tastybit allows more chocolate, then you know what would be better?

Blow on it like you're Superman putting out the loving Towering Inferno, that's what!

The little girl dunks her krispie, pulls it out, and proceeds to blow on it like Superman put- you get it. Well, this results in little chocolate drops being blown all over the loving place. The sheer violence of the blowing is also denuding her little treat of chocolate, so she sticks it in again and does the same thing, with the same results. So again. And again. At this point the area near her is beginning to resemble something that has seen the touch of several shotgun shells full of chocolate birdshot. At last her mother saw what she was doing and came and got her, and then, in an unusual and heartening twist, called for Deputy Sweeto and tried to help clean up. Your average mom at GC would have grabbed her child, looked around anxiously, and then slunk away. So high five, moral and responsible mom!

What the gently caress are you doing OH NAW DUDE DUDE NAW CHRIST: Short and sweet and horrible as a baboon loving a human baby. Man gets soup bowl. Man walks to CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL, fills soup bowl 3/4 full. Puts rice krispie on top. Walks back to table, crushes rice krispie with spoon, begins eating pure liquid chocolate with minor crunchy bits. JS loses faith in the future of the world.

# ? Feb 2, 2022 07:37

empty sea: Jul 17, 2011; gonna saddle my seahorse and float out to the sunset

Aardvark! posted:

I go to Chinese buffets to eat an entire pile of egg rolls and chicken on a stick and that creamy condensed milky coconut shrimp if they have it, personally

I go to Chinese buffets to eat a poo poo-ton of white rice with whatever spicy meat dishes they have and also an entire plate of the garlicky string beans. The string beans are the main reason I go to buffets tbh, everything else I can easily get from take-out.

Like you can get an order of them at some places but it's sold as a $10-12 vegetarian entr�e with rice and I also want an appetizer and an meat-based entr�e but that will also come with rice and then it gets expensive and it's too much rice for one person! JUST GIVE ME THE OPTION OF A SIDE ORDER OF STRING BEANS, FFS. LET ME LIVE MY DREAM

# ? Feb 2, 2022 12:05

The Bloop: Jul 5, 2004; by Fluffdaddy

Aardvark! posted:

Pic from a golden corral

The Skidmark Special

# ? Feb 2, 2022 13:49

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

Is Golden Corral steak really that good?

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/fight-golden-corral-pennsylvania-buffet-b2005470.html

# ? Feb 2, 2022 13:54

MrYenko: Jun 18, 2012; #2 isn't ALWAYS bad...

Theophany posted:

Is Golden Corral steak really that good?

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/fight-golden-corral-pennsylvania-buffet-b2005470.html

No. No it is not.

# ? Feb 2, 2022 14:00

Whooping Crabs: Apr 13, 2010; Sorry for the derail but I fuckin love me some racoons

Theophany posted:

Is Golden Corral steak really that good?

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/fight-golden-corral-pennsylvania-buffet-b2005470.html

No, but the beef is amazing

# ? Feb 2, 2022 14:09

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

Theophany posted:

Is Golden Corral steak really that good?

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/fight-golden-corral-pennsylvania-buffet-b2005470.html

The pic I posted is from that specific Golden Corral btw

# ? Feb 2, 2022 14:18

Desert Bus: May 9, 2004; Take 1 tablet by mouth daily.

TotalLossBrain posted:

Those fingats look nasty.

Sign me up for some coelacanth limbs though. Those look delicious

"The flesh of the coelacanth is high in oil, urea, wax esters, and other compounds, adding up to an indigestible mix. Field reports on the consequences of eating coelacanth speak vaguely of �a kind of diarrhea,� but we get a clearer picture from medical accounts of culinary encounters with fish that are similarly constituted. �It was difficult,� we�re told, �to contain the oil that was pooling in substantial quantities in the lower rectum.� "

https://www.straightdope.com/21344120/know-any-good-recipes-for-endangered-prehistoric-fish-plus-do-caribou-like-the-alaska-oil-pipeline

# ? Feb 2, 2022 15:06

Brawnfire: Jul 13, 2004; 🎧Listen to Cylindricule!🎵
https://linktr.ee/Cylindricule

Squatting over the hooded lamp to poo poo

# ? Feb 2, 2022 15:09

Schubalts: Nov 26, 2007; People say bigger is better.

But for the first time in my life, I think I've gone too far.

There's a reason the fishers treated coelacanths as trash catches.

# ? Feb 2, 2022 15:13

Ror: Oct 21, 2010; 😸Everything's 🗞️ purrfect!💯🤟

Whooping Crabs posted:

No, but the beef is amazing

Look at the beautiful slab of beef they have at Old Country Buffet

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6K7VBb8ENw

# ? Feb 2, 2022 15:21

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# ? May 25, 2024 02:21

OwlFancier: Aug 22, 2013

shelley posted:

That�s part of a series of posts from these very forums. Here�s the bit about the Chocolate Wonderfall:

I feel like you could do a very good set of hieronymous bosch tryptichs about americans at buffet restaurants.

# ? Feb 2, 2022 15:26

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