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I love that over a hundred pages went by since Cosmic Jim first appeared before anyone even mentioned the possibility of a Cosmic Dwight.
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Jun 2, 2022 03:08
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(That's because we all understand on an instinctive level that there is no Cosmic Dwight)
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Jun 2, 2022 03:09
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Jim farts so hard he explodes, covering Dwight in gore and feces. A new Jim walks in from the breakroom, floppy as ever, and quips "What a lovely day, eh Dwight?" before mugging the camera. This is the 3,589,237,123,456th time Cosmic Jim has witnessed this particular prank and is still amused.
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Jun 2, 2022 03:09
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Applewhite posted:(That's because we all understand on an instinctive level that there is no Cosmic Dwight) lol thats what inspired me
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Jun 2, 2022 03:10
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Dwight's therapist: "Long Jim isn't real, he can't hurt you." Dwight: *gazing open-mouthed in horror at something standing behind the therapist* Long Jim: "Shhhhh."
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Jun 2, 2022 03:13
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Cosmic Jim is becoming tired of Hamburger Jim's antics. During a particularly gruesome prank, in which Hamburger Jim is free-bleeding on Dwight's stationary pad, Cosmic Jim waves a hand. Hamburger Jim disappears in a puff of smoke. Dwight doesn't recall what he was doing, but gets back to work. A few minutes later, he looks up at Danny Cordray. "Did you say something just a moment ago?" Dwight asks. "No," says Danny, all business as usual. "Just finishing up those numbers you asked me for." "Thanks," says Dwight. He feels like something is missing, but he feels good. For the first time in years. Cosmic Jim mugs himself.
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Jun 2, 2022 03:23
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Jim, coated with raw egg and breadcrumbs, is brutally attacked by ducks on his way to work. Dwight has the unhappy task of being Jim's emergency contact and must cut short an important client meeting to go and pick Jim up from the hospital.
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Jun 2, 2022 03:55
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Jim "soups up" the elevator at Dunder Mifflin so that nobody who enters ever wants to leave. People claim that riding in the elevator is like being wrapped in love and become violent if someone tries to extract them by force. Dwight is late to work because of the bloody brawl taking place in the building lobby.
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Jun 2, 2022 04:00
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gives him a puzzle that once assembled spells out "i ate angela." dwight looks to jim who leans back, pulls the bib from his neck, and smugly locks his hands behind his head. jim has eaten angela.
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Jun 2, 2022 04:11
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That DICK! posted:gives him a puzzle that once assembled spells out "i ate angela." dwight looks to jim who leans back, pulls the bib from his neck, and smugly locks his hands behind his head. jim has eaten angela. To add insult to injury Jim actually ate her while Dwight was distracted putting the puzzle together.
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Jun 2, 2022 04:17
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Applewhite posted:Jim, coated with raw egg and breadcrumbs, is brutally attacked by ducks on his way to work. Dwight has the unhappy task of being Jim's emergency contact and must cut short an important client meeting to go and pick Jim up from the hospital. Jim, coated with raw egg and breadcrumbs, is brutally attacked by ducks on his way to work. Dwight has the unhappy task of being Jim's emergency contact and must cut short an important client meeting to go and pick Jim up from the hospital. But he doesn't.
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Jun 2, 2022 04:34
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Space Kablooey posted:Jim, coated with raw egg and breadcrumbs, is brutally attacked by ducks on his way to work. Dwight has the unhappy task of being Jim's emergency contact and must cut short an important client meeting to go and pick Jim up from the hospital. But he doesn't. Jim, coated with raw egg and breadcrumbs, is brutally attacked by ducks on his way to work. Dwight has the unhappy task of being Jim's emergency contact and must cut short an important client meeting to go and pick Jim up from the hospital. But he doesn't. He instead tells the doctors to pull the plug.
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Jun 2, 2022 04:38
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sexpig by night posted:He instead tells the doctors to pull the plug. The doctor turns around, and reveals itself to be Doctor Jim. "No, Dwight. That would be... unethical." The descent continues.
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Jun 2, 2022 04:57
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Jim, coated with raw egg and breadcrumbs, is brutally attacked by ducks on his way to work. Dwight has the unhappy task of being Jim's emergency contact and must cut short an important client meeting to go and pick Jim up from the hospital. When Dwight enters the building, Jim presses a big red button on a remote control and the entire hospital launches into outer space.
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Jun 2, 2022 05:51
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Applewhite posted:Jim, coated with raw egg and breadcrumbs, is brutally attacked by ducks on his way to work. Dwight has the unhappy task of being Jim's emergency contact and must cut short an important client meeting to go and pick Jim up from the hospital. Jim's attending doctor (who has suspiciously floppy hair) keeps telling Dwight it will be "just a little longer" before Jim can be discharged. Dwight, after hours of being told this, is ravenously hungry. Unfortunately the rural hospital where Jim chose to be admitted only has a Chick-fil-A in the food court which Dwight refuses to dine at since he is a staunch supporter of LGBTQ+ rights. He grows hungrier by the hour. In his hospital room, an injured Jim mugs the camera as he chows down on some Chick-fil-A chicken biscuits.
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Jun 2, 2022 06:34
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Also my phone keeps autocorrecting Jim to "Him" which is kind of disturbing in a cosmic Jim kinda way.
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Jun 2, 2022 06:36
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I love how Dwight has become this champion of human rights when he was a total chud in the show. Which was of course was Jim’s fault. The Awesomesaurus fucked around with this message at 07:02 on Jun 2, 2022 |
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Jun 2, 2022 06:58
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Dwight stirred to consciousness to the sight of lights and sounds from the window of an attic. He attempted to move, but discovered Jim left him carelessly chained by his ankle to a bed frame. Just enough slack to have limited motion, but not enough to move more than a few feet away from the bed until he could pick the lock or break the weakest link. This isn't a typical Jim kidnapping, he thinks to himself. Jim tends to make sure he's unaware of his surroundings once he comes to, not to mention being fully restrained. Maybe Jim hadn't finished preparations, or Dwight had awoken sooner than expected. An unexpected growing immunity to Jim's apothecary of tranquilizers. No sooner than he began this train of thought, he realized that it was more like a traditional Jim kidnapping than he'd initially thought. Staring out the window into the nocturnal landscape, he couldn't make the terrain. It was an urbanized city, no doubt, but the smell and sounds and sights were unfamiliar. Great fallen megastructure dotted the entire horizon and statues that stood so tall as to vanish before their heads could even be seen. "Well, it looks like we're not in Scranton, anymore." "NO, you're NOT, Dwight..." From the shadows, Jim emerged, looking more malicious than usual. "Where are we Jim?" "Don't you mean, WHEN are we?" Dwight turned back to the city in a panic. NO! This couldn't be Scranton! Not this hellhole! How long had he been gone?! Jim, both amused by his prank on Dwight and irritated by the lack of attention his guest was giving him, came clean. "I'm sorry about that, Dwight. No, you've only been unconscious about 2 hours, but you were right that this isn't Scranton. It's Marslantis." "Marslantis?" "I'm surprised the GREAT DWIGHT SCHRUTE hasn't deemed us WORTHY of his attention! Look out there, Dwight! This is all your doing!" "What are you talking about, Jim?" "Let me tell you. Years ago, there was a great city of godkings. Marslantis. A land of plenty, and joy, and our most beautiful form of expression was the prank. The good-natured, innocent prank. No harm, no foul. A sign of love and affection. Men used to pretend like they forgot anniversaries and reveal they'd planned the occasion for months, and mothers used to make cakes that looked like hamburgers and hamburgers that looked like cakes. Every party was a surprise party. The flowers, DWIGHT! THE FLOWERS! Did you know, they used to squirt water naturally?! No one ever went thirsty so long as flowers grew. No child ever went hungry, no person ever went homeless, no one knew want, or need, or loneliness or sadness. Days were spent leisurely, the people pursued art, philosophy, craftsmanship, mathematics and astronomy." "Marslantis sounds like the Garden of Eden..." Jim spit on the ground. "Don't sully the majesty of Marslantis with comparisons to... Even now, I'd take this place over Eden any day. But, still, there was a serpent. It was man, a specific man. A man named Dwight Schrute." "What the hell are you talking about?!" "Marslantis' was a perfect society, untouched by your filthy world moralities, but nothing beautiful can last forever, can it? It was a paradise that the city founders had maintained through the careful manipulation of the outside world. Your world operated like a clockwork toy to make sure Marslantis thrived. Your wars, your slums, your poverty, all of it. You animals didn't deserve any better, so what did it matter. Then you were born, Dwight. The founders didn't account for a variable like you. Over time, you disrupted the system that Marslantis needed to survive. Your activism and charity work 'changed' Scranton ever so slightly, and in doing so it changed the flow of resources and influence Marslantis had cultivated for centuries, it drove a KNIFE into the CHEST of Marslantis' careful order!" Jim took a swig from a can of Monster Energy. "All it took was 5 years, Dwight. The entire thing came crashing down. Apocalypse. In the end, we we turned our pranks on one another out of hate... You made us take something beautiful and turn it into a weapon... An empire of gods brought down by a dirty, beet-farming, paper salesman." "Jesus Christ, Jim. I had no idea that..." "What?! Did you THINK that enticing companies to provide jobs to underprivileged high school drops outs WOULDN'T have consequences!? Did you think that cleaning up the Scranton city parks and starting a rehab clinic to help people get off of drugs wouldn't have consquences?! YOU THOUGHT THAT INSTALLING HAND SANITIZERS IN EVERY BUSINESS WOULDN'T HAVE CONSEQUENCES?!" "Well, obviously I thought they'd have CONSEQUENCES! But nothing like THIS! I thought that it'd just make the world a little better..." "Better in YOUR world, Dwight, not MINE. This is what the prosperity of Scranton did to us, what the newfound hope of Scranton did to us. Gaze upon it, Schrute. Drink it in like a bottle of your beet wine, you bastard!" "Why are you telling me this now? Why didn't someone tell me years ago? I could have worked with Marslantis, we could have come to a mutually beneficial plan to help both our worlds! I can maybe still help you..." "I'm leaving you here, Dwight. I'm leaving you in the wreckage of the world you made. I'm leaving you alone in a joyless world where the pranks are no longer exist with a simple truth: You killed a world for nothing, Dwight. All your 'good works' and 'positive impact'? It was never going to last, either. As day after day passes, not only will all that you've accomplished fade away, it will rot. The people will become corrupted, the lands will become polluted, the jobs will vanish, the prosperity will bleed away. As I said, no more pranks, Dwight. Be assured that this is a kindness. When you long to return to your own world, you need just look out that window, Dwight, and be assured that l've left you in a far finer place than your beloved Scranton is fated to become.
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Jun 2, 2022 07:01
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Applewhite posted:I love that over a hundred pages went by since Cosmic Jim first appeared before anyone even mentioned the possibility of a Cosmic Dwight. The core truth of all of these stories is obvious Regardless of whether he has cosmic powers, wizard powers, science powers, is a billionaire or any other set of abilities, in comparison to the rewards of a life well lived, as Dwight does, means that they are all Pathetic Jim by comparison. And no amount of shrink rays or monkey ownership can change that.
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Jun 2, 2022 09:11
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Elon Musk buys the Scranton branch an elephant to serve as the company mascot. Being an egomaniac, he of course names it after himself and even has it dressed exactly like him. Jim collapses in hysterical laughter when Elon Tusk (dressed as Waluigi) sits on and crushes Dwight's desk. Elon Musk (dressed as Waluigi) walks in to the scene and fires Dwight on the spot for not working and allowing company property to be destroyed. Dwight's reply is cut off by the loud sound of Elon Tusk making GBS threads all over the office floor. Jim continues laughing, rolling around on the ground and kicking his legs.
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Jun 2, 2022 12:40
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It's nearly Dwight's birthday, and he decides the best gift of all would be to finally garner a cease-prank agreement with Jim. Jim says that this is "an attack on my civil liberties" but agrees to a discussion, as long as he is allowed to bring in a 3rd party mediator. Dwight agrees to this condition. The day of the discussions comes and Dwight is shocked to find Jim has brought in Henry Kissinger to attempt to broker a peace agreement. Jim and Kissinger giggle to each other, and Dwight overhears "yeah we'll tactically prank him" come from Kissinger's decrepit lips. The negotiations begin but quickly fall apart, as Jim argues that he should be allowed "to prank Dwight at least once a week for the rest of time", a flagrant disregard for the initial purpose of the meeting. Dwight grows frustrated with Jim and Kissinger's constant stalling and backtracking, especially as Jim continually takes time to kiss Kissinger on the cheek while saying "I love this li'l war criminal like you wouldn't believe!". Dwight walks away from the agreements, decrying it as a pointless waste of everyone's time. That night, Dwight hears a wet thudding noise hitting his kitchen window. He rushes outside to find Jim and Henry Kissinger throwing eggs at his house. "Cheese it! It's Old Man Dwight!" Jim yells out, running into the woods. Kissing attempts to follow but trips over his own feet and falls into one of Dwight's beet fields.
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Jun 2, 2022 13:33
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 Jim's political cartoons, published under an alias, continue to show a disturbing lack of art skills or cohesion of thought. "Heh heh, I'll just throw Dwight in here, a famously BAD businessman! And next to him, let me just draw Michael. Along with his trademark glasses. And Joe Biden, with his famous hook nose. Now let me shade the whole thing with some random scribbles around the shoulders, and let me add this "No Clue" button so people know everyone here is really dumb. Alright, let's send this off and get paid!" Dwight glances at the published cartoon for a moment, tucked between another cartoon ranting about reality TV and one stating that "nobody wants to work any more!". He sighs moves on to better things. At his "art" studio, Jim mugs for the camera.
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Jun 2, 2022 14:03
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Jim, the seven-foot-tall wizard billionaire muscleman has all of Scranton in his grasp, possibly all of Pennsylvania. While touring downtown Scranton in his limousine, Jim spots Dwight's quaint community garden. Compared to the vast commercial empire Jim controls, the statues and monuments to him, the constant praise and attention from the media, the towering skyscrapers and many palaces all over the world, Dwight's beet garden, barely a hundred square feet, is pathetic and humble. Still, the sight of it infuriates Jim. It's probably the only hundred square feet in the city that Jim does not control. Jim orders his chauffeur to stop the car and gets out. Dwight is bent over a beet plant, spreading ointment on its leaves. The plant is sickly and withered. The thick, polluted air of Scranton is not fit for growing things. The fact that Dwight has managed to raise anything in this hellhole is a small miracle. Jim's shadow falls over Dwight and the humble gardener looks up to see Jim. Jim towers over Dwight, looking down with a twisted smirk. A giggling supermodel hangs from both of Jim's hugely-muscled arms. A grinning monkey squats on one of Jim's broad shoulders. "Nice garden, balloon boy," sneers Jim. "Balloon boy?" Dwight notices the cluster of colorful balloons tied to one of the fenceposts. "Oh, yes. I just hosted a birthday party for some of the local children." Jim's face darkens momentarily before brightening again with false mirth. "A birthday party? Here? Why would any child have a birthday here in the dirt when they could be partying it up with the Jimamatronics at Famous Original Jim's?" "Children are fascinated by nature, and they don't get to see much here in Scranton," answers Dwight. Dwight is quite correct. Dwight's small garden is walled in on all sides by the concrete edifices of tall, brutalist buildings that block out all light, save for one tiny ray of sunlight that shines down on Dwight's community garden. Jim mulls over Dwight's words. "You might be onto something, balloon boy," says Jim. "Sounds like a good business venture. How much for the garden?" "It's not for sale," answers Dwight. Jim frowns. "Playing hardball, eh? Alright." Jim pulls a fat wad of cash out of his pocket and peels off a hundred dollar bill. A hundred dollars is nothing to Jim. He wipes his rear end with hundred dollar bills. He made fifty thousand dollars in just the time it took to pull the money out of his pocket. "It's not for sale," Dwight insists. Jim offers two hundred dollars. Three hundred. Dwight stands firm. "Okay balloon boy. Ten thousand dollars. That's probably more money than you've ever seen in your life," says Jim. "It's more than ten thousand times what this pathetic patch of dirt is worth!" "No thank you," says Dwight. "This isn't over, balloon boy,." Jim returns to his car and drives off. The next few weeks are hell for Dwight. Dwight's garden is suddenly plagued by legal woes. Inspectors arrive to try and declare Dwight's garden unsafe, but depart in frustration when Dwight's garden turns out to be perfectly in accordance with every local ordnance including several Amish laws that are never enforced but technically never repealed. All sorts of complaints are lodged against the garden by concerned citizens. Dwight speaks to each of them in turn and gives them a tour of the garden, sending them away as friends. The police arrive and dig up the garden, acting on an "anonymous" tip that a dead body is buried there. Dwight replants. After each incident of harassment, Jim shows up to offer progressively more exorbitant sums of money. Dwight always refuses. After Dwight turns down Jim's outlandish offer of twenty million dollars, Jim realizes that Dwight must be either truly sincere or insane. Jim announces a new project: the Paperloop. A futuristic tube capable of supplying paper to every home in Scranton at lightning speed. The Paperloop is all underground except for one tiny spot where it must come aboveground "for air." That spot is, of course, right where Dwight's community garden is planted. Jim petitions the Scranton city council for eminent domain to seize Dwight's property so Jim can build the paperloop. The city council is about to rubber stamp the proposal at the next meeting when Dwight stands up from the audience. He makes an impassioned speech about the wonder and beauty of nature and the value of even the humblest living thing. Everyone is moved by Dwight's words and even the city councilmen have tears in their eyes. But of course the entire city council is in Jim's pocket and they grant Jim eminent domain with only the slightest hesitation. Dwight's garden is bulldozed and paved and replaced by a concrete pillar to hold up the Paperloop track (the Paperloop is never completed, in fact, despite millions of dollars' worth of public funding, no part of the Paperloop is built except for the segment that runs through the former site of Dwight's garden). Jim never sees Dwight again, but several months later, as he is riding past the site in his limousine with a bevvy of supermodels and rap stars, Jim glances out the window at the concrete pillar where the garden used to be. To Jim's shock, there's a mural painted there on the concrete. It's a picture of Dwight standing in a field of flowers, holding hands with smiling children under a beaming sun. A flock of multicolored balloons drifts by in the background. The painting is crude. Childish even, but its wholesomeness and sincerity mock Jim. He briefly feels like he's in freefall and staggers where he stands. Jim regains control of himself and storms back to the limo, verbally abusing his driver and the supermodels when they ask him why he stopped. That night, Jim kills himself. Somewhere far away, a beet farmer bends over some new shoots and smiles.
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Jun 2, 2022 14:04
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Pam leaves Jim for a famous former prisoner, now an LGBT icon. In retaliation, Jim abuses his power as co-regional manager by sending out a poorly worded email requiring all Dunder-Mifflin workers to come into the office five days per week. Jim also begins to spend an exorbitant amount of time on Twitter making fun of the LGBT community. Dwight has the day off and is spending it repairing the memorial to Scranton’s soldiers in WWI (a go-cart plowed through it last night while the driver, dressed as Waluigi, was asleep at the wheel). When he comes into work the next day, Jim smirks as he fires Dwight on the spot to “make an example” of him. Dunder Mifflin’s sales crater and its inexplicable one trillion dollar valuation plummets. Dwight meanwhile reluctantly files a wrongful termination lawsuit against Jim. He doesn’t want the money for himself, but thinks that this lawsuit may be a strategic victory for labor rights in Scranton. He wins of course (Jim’s long history of racist and sexist comments comes back to bite him, and the “arbitration agreement” that Jim scrawled in crayon on the back of a sheet of clown paper was never signed by Dwight). Dwight uses the winnings to establish a legal aid service to defend people like Pam’s new beaux.
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Jun 2, 2022 14:24
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Dwight admonishes Jim to "quit clowning around" and get to work. Jim immediately picks up his phone and calls the circus. Within minutes the office is flooded with clowns. "Compared to real clowns, I bet I look a lot more serious," says Jim. Dwight tries to work while being jostled by clowns.
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Jun 2, 2022 15:20
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Jim shows up to work 1000 hours late and Dwight is powerless to punish him because the drop down menu on the digital report form only goes up to 999.
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Jun 2, 2022 15:24
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Jim shows up to work 1000 hours late which breaks the logic of Toby’s crappy excel sheet and makes Jim appear infinitely early. Each month, he receives an award and gift card for his amazing attendance while smirking at Dwight, who now always comes in second and gets nothing.
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Jun 2, 2022 15:34
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Applewhite posted:Jim shows up to work 1000 hours late and Dwight is powerless to punish him because the drop down menu on the digital report form only goes up to 999. Real talk for a second, my now wife and I had to file for a marriage certificate in Boston city hall. Each of us had to fill out a web form questionnaire. One of the questions was which marriage was this for you, answerable by a drop down that topped out at 10. Made us wonder what would happen if some was filling for their 11th+ marriage. Would the mayor come down and yell at you??
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Jun 2, 2022 15:38
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sudonim posted:Real talk for a second, my now wife and I had to file for a marriage certificate in Boston city hall. Each of us had to fill out a web form questionnaire. One of the questions was which marriage was this for you, answerable by a drop down that topped out at 10. Made us wonder what would happen if some was filling for their 11th+ marriage. Would the mayor come down and yell at you?? The 11th one is free obviously.
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Jun 2, 2022 15:39
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Jim plans to release a Great White Shark in Lake Scranton, but his Tesla stock investment has cost him a pretty significant amount of his savings. "Just give me whatever fish I can afford, okay? The meanest, nastiest one. WITHIN MY BUDGET! This is very important, it must be within my budget! This can't backfire at all." Unfortunately for Jim, the only place willing to sell dangerous animals to the general public is Pranksters R Us, a company run "by pranksters, for pranksters". This also means that anyone purchasing from the company is opening themselves up to a prank, as this is just a cost of doing business. Days later, Jim's order arrives and he anxiously drives to Lake Scranton to drop his fish off. Jim hopes it's a piranha or a barracuda, but he'd be happy with anything that could "gently caress up Dwight pretty bad". Jim opens the box, brimming with anticipation, and finds a single clown fish there. "You gotta be kidding me. I've heard of clown paper before, but a clown fish?" The clown fish mugs at Jim. "Eh, you know what? This is pretty good." Jim brings the clownfish home and gives him his own tank, which is displayed proudly right next to Jim and Pam's wedding photo. Jim mugs at his fish, which happily mugs back at him.
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Jun 2, 2022 15:39
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Jim convinces Elon Musk to cancel remote work for all company employees. Unfortunately Dwight's hard work has vastly grown the size of the company during COVID and all the new hires worked remotely. Dwight is unable to reach his desk as the entire building is packed full of people standing shoulder to shoulder, unable to work their jobs but unable to leave without being fired. Meredith is unable to breath in the cast crowd and has to be taken to the hospital. Eventually, the company is shut down due to violations of fire codes.
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Jun 2, 2022 15:44
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Jim's new clownfish has a surprising effect on him. Over time, he finds himself caring for, and respecting, the little guy. He starts to realize how much of his life he's wasted on hate and spite, instead of love and caring. He wonders if this was why Dwight kept doing all of those charity events. Jim adds Finding Nemo to his rotation of movies (which had previously only been Mars Needs Moms and his own special fan cut of Rescue Rangers).
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Jun 2, 2022 15:54
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Dwight sits down at his desk, unaware that Jim has replaced his seat's cushion with an elaborately disguised whoopie cushion. The fart noise echoes through the office as Jim laughs. Dwight sighs and tells Jim he's getting stale, having done similar pranks like this many times before. Then Dwight looks around the office and tells Jim he "needs that trenchcoat guy to do more than just stand there." Jim stops laughing immediately. "Wait a minute, trenchcoat guy? Where?" Dwight points at the conference room, where a man in a trenchcoat is standing perfectly still, watching Dwight. Except he's not actually watching Dwight at all, he's laser-focused on Jim. Jim slowly stands up and backs away towards the front door, never taking his eyes off the man. Dwight, thinking this is all an elaborate prank, goes back to work. Jim turns around to open the front door, breaking eye contact, and the man in the trenchcoat rushes full-speed towards Jim as he flees out the front door. Jim rushes into the parking lot, the man quickly gaining ground on him. Jim rushes into his car and closes and locks the door. The trenchcoat man picks up a loose rock in the parking lot and smashes it against Jim's windshield. Jim lets out a girlish scream but gets his car started and hits the gas, zooming away and leaving the figure behind in the parking lot. "Well, Jim sure went to a lot of trouble to get off of work early," says Oscar, who's been watching the whole thing through the window. Dwight feels uneasy as the trenchcoat figure begins to walk down the same street Jim just zoomed down. The figure looks back at the office and Dwight swears, for a moment, that he sees his own face reflected back at him. He shudders involuntarily and looks away. When he looks back, the figure is gone. Jim pulls his car into his garage, closes the door, and locks the house up. He rushes into his bedroom and hides under his racecar bed, staying as silent as possible. Then he hears the polite knocking on his front door. The knocking gets faster and faster, turning into a violent pounding. Then Jim hears a thud as the door is knocked down. He hears heavy footsteps thudding around his living room, heading towards the bedroom door. Jim has never felt fear like this before. The footsteps reach the door and Jim holds his breath, hoping to be as silent as possible. And then he hears the voice. "You can't run Jim. I have other ways of making you hurt." The footsteps slowly head towards the living room and Jim cautiously opens the door, stealthily following them to the living room again. The figure stands over a side table containing Jim's wedding photo and a fish tank. A gloved hand extends over the fish tank and is about to reach in. Jim feels a scream of horror and despair building in his chest, but is too terrified to move. Then he hears another voice. "Get away from the loving fish." Dwight, armed with a ceremonial katana, bursts into the room and dives at the trenchcoat man. The table wobbles for a second, but the fish remains safe. Jim lets out the breath he wasn't aware he was holding as Dwight and the figure roll around on the ground, jockeying for position. Dwight's sword is knocked away and gets stuck in the wall. Jim rushes towards it and tries to free it, but his pathetic musculature refuses to cooperate and the sword remains uselessly stuck. The trenchcoat figure is now on top of Dwight, raining down punches. Dwight is able to block some, but not enough, and is knocked out. The figure stands and looks at Jim, his face still hidden by an impossible shadow cast by his hat. He moves towards Jim, laughing a raspy voice like a smoker on his death bed. Jim yanks again at the sword but it's useless, and he collapses to the ground in terror. "Oh, Jim. This is going to be so much fun for me." The figure extends his two hands towards Jim's neck, ready to choke the life out of him. And then, suddenly, Dwight is up again. He dives on the figure and rolls him away from Jim, letting out an animalistic scream as he does. "Get the hell out of here, Jim! GO!" Jim runs and doesn't look back, grabbing his clown fish's aquarium as he does. "Thank you, Dwight," he says, almost under his breath, as he crosses the threshold of his house. The figure stands up, Dwight still on his back, and runs full-force backwards into the refrigerator. Dwight howls in pain and falls off, unable to keep his grip. The figure looks at him for a second as Dwight struggles to try and get to his feet again. But Dwight can't do it, he collapses again. The figure heads towards Dwight's sword, easily yanks it from the wall, and walks out the front door. "Until next time, Balloon Boy." The figure disappears as Dwight lapses into unconsciousness again. Jim hides next to a dumpster, holding his fish tank and repeatedly whispering "I love you, I'm so sorry."
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Jun 2, 2022 16:53
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The crew edits the next few weeks into a montage of Dwight helping Jim learn how to cook a meal, care for his fish, and ride a bicycle without training wheels. With Dwight's help, Jim creates a payment play to reduce his debt to Pranksters R Us, eventually paying it off entirely.
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Jun 2, 2022 16:58
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poisonpill posted:Jim shows up to work 1000 hours late which breaks the logic of Toby’s crappy excel sheet and makes Jim appear infinitely early. sudonim fucked around with this message at 17:38 on Jun 2, 2022 |
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Jun 2, 2022 17:31
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Jim leaps through the ceiling and runs across the top of the screen, finding a warp to season 47 of the show. As he pops up in the office of Famous Original Jim's Dunder Mifflin Clown Paper Emporium (sponsored by Teslazon Book), he looks around. Season 47's Jim is bald, looks exhausted, and is hooked up to some sort of device that Jim surmises is an oxygen tank. "Cool, at least I finally get to be a cyborg in the future." Then he sees Dwight, who hasn't aged a day. In fact, Dwight looks to be in better shape than ever. "Jeez, talk about... uh... hmmmm." Jim is transfixed by future Dwight's buttocks as he stands up. Future Jim weakly throws a cream pie at future Dwight, but it limply falls on future Jim's lap. He then begins a coughing fit and lets out a whine like a wounded animal. Dwight pats him on the head and heads to the breakroom. Present Jim returns to the warp pipe and the present. Dwight asks where he was, and Jim dramatically pulls out a pair of sunglasses. "Let's just say the future's so bright, I gotta wear shades!" Dwight isn't sure, but he thinks Jim might be crying behind the sunglasses.
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Jun 2, 2022 18:31
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Jim shows up to work one hour early. He uses the time to clean the aquarium tank and feed the fish. With the extra time, he runs across the street and buys a dozen doughnuts for the office. Nobody eats them until Dwight (having secretly subjected them to several scientific examinations) declares them to be delicious. Jim feels a slight twinge. Is that what it feels like to... help people?
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Jun 2, 2022 18:36
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It's summer and Jim is in the driveway washing his ultra hydraulic cream pie launcher.
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Jun 2, 2022 18:37
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The Awesomesaurus posted:I love how Dwight has become this champion of human rights when he was a total chud in the show. making Dwight look bad over a period of ten years, as a prank
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Jun 2, 2022 18:40
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| # ? May 29, 2024 18:40 |
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The Awesomesaurus posted:I love how Dwight has become this champion of human rights when he was a total chud in the show. The show was actually one of those "What if?" style spinoffs. This thread is canon.
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Jun 2, 2022 18:53
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