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Jim snaps his fingers and sends Dwight to the surface of the moon. Dwight gasps in the airless void and he feels his eardrums burst and his eyeballs bulge out of their sockets. Just before he passes out, Jim snaps him back to the office. "Get a load of balloon boy here!" guffaws Jim, pointing and laughing at Dwight's inflated head with bulging, bloodshot eyes. "You should see the look on your face!" Jim laughs so hard he starts wheezing as he slaps his knee. Everyone else in the office looks on in horror. When Jim notices no one else is laughing, he raises his fingers as if to snap. Everyone else in the office starts pointing and laughing at Dwight. Phyllis is crying. Applewhite fucked around with this message at 04:35 on Jun 7, 2022 |
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Jun 7, 2022 04:31
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| # ? May 14, 2024 08:48 |
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Dwight is found dead in a hotel room in Wilkes-Barre. Investigators find that “he” checked in with cash and no ID, but apparently misspelled his own name wrong as “Dwide Shute” in the hotel registry. They rule his death a suicide, by self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, despite Dwight’s hands being bound behind his back with duct tape. The bruising and lacerations, as though he’d been in a fight, are also left unexplained.
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Jun 7, 2022 04:44
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Jim decides to "raise the steaks." He buys the Wilkes-Barre Outback Steakhouse and converts it into Famous Original Jim's Aussie Adventure. The restaurant quickly gains a reputation as the worst steakhouse in the greater Scranton area, possibly in all of Pennsylvania. People still visit the restaurant though because Jim insists on greeting every guest personally and speaking in a horrible Australian accent. This is a prank on Dwight because Dwight must consume an antidote-laced 72 ounce steak at Famous Original Jim's Aussie Adventure every day in order to counteract the poison Jim has injected into Dwight's bloodstream. Jim mugs for a party of four and shrieks "'Ello guvnahs!"
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Jun 7, 2022 05:05
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I am learning more about Scranton than I ever expected just to inject verisimilitude into the thread. The Cheesesteak Challenge is real too.
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Jun 7, 2022 05:07
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Jim sends endless letters to Paige Cognetti, the mayor of Scranton, claiming her “woke policies” caused him to lose the Cheesesteak Challenge, thereby destroying his marriage.
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Jun 7, 2022 05:11
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While Dwight is showing a tour group of underprivileged John Adams Elementary School students around the Steamtown National Historic Site, he explains that this is a museum dedicated to preserving the history of steam locomotives. “These locomotives were once very important fo-“ Dwight’s words are cut short as Jim snaps his fingers, turning him into a giant train with Dwight’s face on the front. He looks like a Thomas the Train Engine train, except that his face is frozen in a scream of pain and terror. Up the track comes chugging a second train engine. Its face is Jim’s, and it’s set in his trademark smirk. The eyes rolls toward the camera.
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Jun 7, 2022 05:18
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Jim discovers foodchallenges.com and a new chapter of Dwight's living nightmare begins.
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Jun 7, 2022 05:24
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Jim joins the BK Kids Club and keeps giving everyone else at the office nicknames. He calls Dwight “Balloon Boy”, and Ryan “Comp Wiz” (for being able to fix Jim’s computer one time). Pam is nicknamed “Gadget” and Roy is “Zipper”. Jim’s nicknames for the rest of the crew are too filthy to repeat anywhere. Jim eats fish sticks and French fries at his desk for lunch every day.
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Jun 7, 2022 05:30
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Jim goes back in time and completely sabotages Scranton’s streetcar system, before it can become known as the only city in the United States with streetcars powered only by electricity in 1886 (aka “the Electric City”). When Jim returns, Dwight feels just a little less pride for Scranton, as a significant part of its cultural identity has vanished. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Jun 7, 2022 05:35
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“Talk about a streetcar named desire,” says Jim. Dwight has no idea what he’s talking about, as Scranton never had a streetcar in this timeline. Dwight sighs and returns to his mandatory praise routine toward the giant floating marble Jim head in the sky and adjusts his Zardoz strap.
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Jun 7, 2022 05:41
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Jim decides to "soup up the steaks" by introducing a new item to the menu at Famous Original Jim's, the worst pizza place in scranton, probably all of Pennsylvania. The new "soupier than steak" pizza is an extra well done fillet steak floating in cream of asparagus soup, in a "bowl" of soggy undercooked pizza dough. Not only does it quickly become the most reviled item on the menu, but also the price of fillet steak in Scranton skyrockets as Jim insists on including a free "soupier than steak" pizza with every meal.
jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 08:35 on Jun 7, 2022 |
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Jun 7, 2022 08:27
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Jim decides to "raise the soups" by filling every water tower in scranton with borscht. Public health in scranton improves dramatically as every person now ingests vast quantities of nutrient rich beet soup. Schrute farms also experiences bumper profits. "Talk about souping up the water supply, huh balloon boy?" Jim mugs the camera.
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Jun 7, 2022 08:46
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jim slays mose with a claymore, muggishly
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Jun 7, 2022 09:24
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Jim builds a giant cuckoo clock next to the highway leading through Scranton. The giant clock quickly becomes a roadside attraction, drawing in tourists from around the country. The clock has SLOWLY been ticking towards midnight, with each second on the clock equating to roughly 4 days of real time. The tourists begin to swarm Scranton as the clock nearly hits midnight, with every hotel in a 100 mile radius completely sold out. Dwight's Bed and Breakfast is jam-packed, with the highest number of inquiries since the time Elton John did a charity concert for The Schrute Foundation. Tick. Tick. Tick. The clock begins to chime and the wooden door, which generally houses a wooden cuckoo, begins to open. Hundreds of thousands of people, mouths agape, stare at the door. The anticipation is high, people are sure they're about to witness a beautiful piece of art. Jim, nude except for a pair of tennis shoes, appears on a tiny wooden platform. "CUCKOO! CUCKOO! Dwight Schrute is cuckoo!" Jim starts flapping his arms like a bird as the people begin to boo and hiss, with a few drunken spectators beginning to throw things at Dwight. "No, I get it. It's art. It's about how our own expectations are so often not met by reality!" comes a voice from the crowd. It's Oscar's boyfriend, Gil. "It's outside art, people. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!" The crowd stops booing and throwing things and instead starts cheering and clapping. The nearly nude Jim mugs at the camera, then starts flapping his arms even faster. The clock has stopped chiming now and the mechanized wooden platform is pulling back into the clock. Jim flaps a few more times before the door closes on him. Jim is hailed as a visionary folk artist and lives the rest of his life bouncing between New York, Los Angeles, and Paris. His exhibits become the toast of the town and multiple documentaries are made, trying to discover the secret genius of Jim. Dwight attempts to submit a short story to an online magazine but is told his story "isn't a good fit" for the publication. He tries, unsuccessfully, for several months to get published to no avail. Jim's "masterpiece" entitled "$MUG no. 69 in Blue Minor" sells for $45 million on the same day Dwight gives up his dreams of writing.
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Jun 7, 2022 16:17
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A mysterious artist in residence begins "tagging" random walls with graffiti in Scranton. "Jimsy", as the unknown genius is called, leaves these in a definite pattern: They massively disrupt Dwight's commute to work each day by causing huge traffic jams in the routes he is most likely to take. Several months later, Dwight's farm is tagged. Many of the fences, and even one wall of his barn, is stolen in the middle of the night and sold in art boutiques in New York City. Finally, Jimsy reveals himself in a shocking modern performance art review at the San Francisco MoMA. Jim Halpert (shocking revealed at last to be Jimsy) stands fully nude in a tight hallway, except for a pair of red tennis shoes, and visitors must squeeze past him in order to pass through, confronting their relation to art, humanity and nudity. Dwight, a true patron of the arts, tries to squeeze past Jim with a minimum of contact. "Jeeze, talk about a tight squeeze, eh, Balloon Boy?" asks Jim, then says in a serious voice, "This work explores the relationship between bodies and art, and I hope you consider the tragedy of the the Bosnian genocide as you explore the rest of this exhibit." Dwight is nonplussed, and spends the rest of his visit entranced by Jim's thoughtful and thought-provoking art collection.
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Jun 7, 2022 16:44
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Jim slaps a rotten jack-o-lantern on a rusted pile of jagged metal and declares it to be "art." Jim's visionary art installation blocks the door to the restrooms and Dwight tears his shirt trying to squeeze past. Meredith has to be taken to the hospital for a tetanus shot.
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Jun 7, 2022 17:44
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Jim decides to "raise the stakes," resurrecting all the vampires slain by Dwight in his years as a heroic crusader.
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Jun 7, 2022 17:47
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A fluorescent green garbage truck pulls up to Schrute Farms, manned by three strange figures in bizarre uniforms. Dwight's eyes hurt when he looks at them, like his brain can't quite process what he's seeing. "Agent Schrute, you're needed." Dwight looks at them, puzzled, and explains that he has no idea what's they're talking about. "Dwight, you've been deep undercover for quite a while. This farm, the paper salesman job, all of it is a lie. We planted you here to keeps tabs on Jim Halpert, identified as Anti-Person #1. Is any of this making sense?" The garishly dressed figures surround Dwight and quickly clothe him in a similar uniform. A neon blue jacket, bright orange pants, and black leather gloves and boots. It seems perfectly tailored to Dwight's physique. "Your old uniform, sir. Seems as if you've kept in fine shape all this time. We need to get back to HQ, though. You've been reactivated, it's time to eliminate Halpert and restore Status: Q for good." Dwight is dragged into the garbage truck, which begins to hover inches over the ground when the engine starts. One of the agents taps a seemingly random series of buttons and the truck rockets into the sky. Dwight is left speechless as the truck softly lands on a mountainside unlike any Dwight has seen before. Strange metal birds zip through the air. The truck drives the rest of the way to headquarters, which looks like a massive glowing beet stuck into a pile of dirt. "Agent Schrute, top-level agent of Status: Q. It's good to have you back. We're sorry for the momentary pinch you're about to feel, along with the rush of memory. Brace yourself." Dwight feels a needle go into the back of his neck, followed by a rush of heat across his whole body. He feels as if he's going to black out, then he remembers it all. He's been undercover for nearly a decade, tracking Anti-Person Jim Halpert. Jim was listed as a person of interest for his bizarre pranks, which threaten to destabilize the world. Dwight was dispatched to grab Jim's focus, preventing him from expanding his pranks to the entire world. Of course, he remembers it all now. "Of course, it looks like Jim got tired of waiting around. We just got word he plans to unleash an army of Tiny Jims across the world. Do you know what that means, Agent Schrute?" "It means he'd be creating a planet of Jims, completely disrupting the food chain," Dwight replies coldly, "Potentially wiping out all life on Earth." Dwight and 3 other agents are dispatched to the Halpert House in another garbage truck, with strict orders to kill Jim and dispose of his body. Status: Q agents are already working hard to erase any record of Jim from history, ensuring that his disappearance will not be noticed. Dwight kicks down the door of Jim's house, armed with an Eliminator Cannon, a hand-held laser designed to destroy all organic life. He finds Jim in the kitchen. "Hey Balloon Boy! Just chopping up some carrots for the kids, snack time after their -" Dwight fires the laser at Jim's head, absolutely obliterating his skull. Jim's headless corpse crashes to the ground, oozing flesh dripping down his shirt. Plumes of smoke rise up as the other agents wrap Jim's corpse up in plastic and carry it outside, tossing it into the back of the garbage truck. Dwight's eyes hurt again when he tries to peer into the back of the truck, as strange multi-angled teeth chew up Jim's corpse and leave nothing behind. "Mister Dwight, is that you?" Phillip is standing on the Halpert lawn with a dripping popsicle, staring at Dwight. "Where's my Daddy? Is he playing with you again? He says you're his best friend! I hope I can have a friend as good as you!" Dwight steps back into the truck and hides his face in his hands as the rest of the cleanup crew does what they're trained to do. He peers into the side mirror at one point and sees the Halpert House burning to the ground, agents dragging more bodies in plastic. "Jesus, is this really what I do for a living?" Dwight feels tears welling up and his stomach heaves. He steps outside of the truck and vomits. When he looks, there's no sign of Jim's life any more. "Alright Agent Schrute, looks like this was a nice, clean job. We already handled everything at Dunder Mifflin, any other social contacts you can think of for Jim?" "Wait, what did you do at Dunder Mifflin?" "Not much, really. Convinced a few people that Jim had left the country. Wiped his file from the computer. OH! And yours too, of course. You're a lucky guy, you won the lottery and quit your job." "D-did Michael ask how I was doing?" "Dwight, I didn't want to.... I'm sorry. He asked a lot of questions. Too many questions. We think maybe while you were deep undercover you might have let something slip to him. We... well, Michael had to be eliminated. He was a threat to Status: Q." Dwight lets out a howl of rage and attacks the agent, but is quickly subdued. They inject him with something else and the world goes foggy. Dwight wakes up strapped to a metal bed in a darkened medical room. "Well, Agent Schrute, it seems as if you've been struggling with your identity. That's okay, happens to the best of us. We just need to do a little scrub here, remove those parts we don't want floating around in your brain any more." A surgeon in neon yellow scrubs and a surgical mask and goggles moves towards Dwight with another syringe, one containing a swirling rainbow of colors. He injects it into Dwight's neck and Dwight passes out again. "Good, good. The parapersona should take this time. Agent Dwight Schrute, welcome back to the world!" The surgeon removes his mask and goggles, revealing himself to be Jim. He walks out of the room down a long metal hallway before reaching a door with a keypad on it. He types in the password. MARSNEEDSMOMS The door opens and Jim steps into a freezer. Along the wall are thousands of vials of the same rainbow liquid he injected Dwight with before. Many of them are labelled AGENT DWIGHT SCHRUTE. A few say PAM BEASLEY. But the majority of them all say JIM HALPERT. "Jim Halpet IS Status: Q, you ignorant beet farmer. And as long as I've stored my backup parapersonas here, I can keep coming back forever and ever, overwriting the minds of anyone I choose. And what a prank, changing Dwight's personality from a freedom-loving maverick to an agent of my new world order. Why, this might be my best prank yet!" Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight wakes up, ready to enforce Status: Q and eliminate all threats to "law and order". In another room, an agent is typing up Dwight's next target: Mose, who may or may not be a dog.
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Jun 7, 2022 17:48
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So, what if we compile these posts and present them to Rainn Wilson and Krasinski and introduce them to the idea of Cosmic Jim? I don't think they are too busy, are they?
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Jun 7, 2022 18:07
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Is this outsider art
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Jun 7, 2022 18:18
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Jack-Off Lantern posted:So, what if we compile these posts and present them to Rainn Wilson and Krasinski and introduce them to the idea of Cosmic Jim? I don't think they are too busy, are they? John Krasinski puts on the fake smile he's rehearsed for all fan interactions like this. Just get it over with quickly, John, then you can head home. "Wow, fan fiction! That's really great, we love when the fans keep the story of The Office going! And you guys are so creative!" John grabs the stack of papers from the fan. They feel strange in his hand, almost as if they were... no. It's just been a long day. Stop thinking about clown paper, John, it's not even a real thing. The fan thanks John for looking at his "masterpiece" and a shaken John mutters out "y-you, too" before being shepherded away by his agent back to his trailer. "John, you okay, man? That's not like you." "Y-yeah, I'm fine. Listen, this is going to sound weird. But... do you think fictional things can become real?" "Well, I mean, obviously. Don't most inventions just start as someone's dream?" "But like... if someone wrote a story, could... could a character in the story BECOME real? If enough people read it, could he get some kind of power and become real?" "John, man, you need to take a vacation! A Quiet Place 3's script can wait a few weeks. Why not take Pam to the beach or something?" "What did you say? Why did you say Pam?" "I said Emily, John. Your wife, Emily. You really do need a break. I'm going to book you some time at that spa you really like." "Thanks. Jeez, I guess filming that cameo in Dr. Strange took more out of me than I thought. Fitting in that suit, talk about a stretch!" John's manager doesn't hear this as he's already left the room, making frantic calls to rearrange John's busy schedule. John looks at the pile of papers from a fan. He flips through them randomly. "Jim is Dwight's phone" Jim laughs. That's pretty funny. How would that even work? Maybe he could pitch something like this to Adult Swim, weird little animated bits about Jim and Dwight. Sure. Get this fan involved, do something good for somebody. Maybe there is still a little blood to be drawn from this beet after all. "Stone, John. Why are you thinking about beets, again, buddy? And why did you refer to yourself as Jim?" John is startled by the voice, which seems to come from right behind him. He turns around, but no one is there. Please, John thinks, please don't let him come back again. I can't deal with him again. I can't! I can't! I can't! Suddenly, John sees movement outside of his trailer. He looks outside, but the figure quickly darts out of view, almost inhumanly fast. And inhumanly floppy. John picks up the stack of papers again and flips through. He goes to the very last page. "John Krasinski puts on the fake smile he's rehearsed for all fan interactions like this." "What the gently caress?"
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Jun 7, 2022 18:58
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Jim spends his entire day drawing comics. Dwight steals a glimpse as he walks by Jim’s desk. The cover chills him. Fun pranks for James to play on Bill
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Jun 7, 2022 19:08
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James (the cartoon superman in Jim’s comic book) stretches his arm out across the city of Des Moines, where he lives, and places a whoopee cushion under Bill just as he sits down. [This is all crudely drawn in colored pencil]
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Jun 7, 2022 19:10
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Jim tampers with Dwight's bathroom scale, convincing Dwight that he is slowly gaining weight. Dwight makes drastic changes to his diet and exercise plan, getting into the best shape of his life. He's chosen as "Mr. Scranton 2022" and adorns every month of the charity calendar. In addition, Dwight's healthy habits add an extra 5 years to his already long life. "Gotcha, bitch!" Jim laughs as he shovels another bag of skittles into his gaping maw.
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Jun 7, 2022 19:19
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Dwight heads to Professor McGakery's Fantabulous Bakery, a new pastry shop that has opened in Scranton. As he walks in the door, the sweet smells of baked goods hit his nostrils. He looks around, eager to buy something special. Just then, Jim bursts through the door and cuts ahead of Dwight in line. "GIMME EVERYTHING! ALL OF IT!" He slams a huge pile of money on the counter and the staff dutifully begins to box up every baked good in the store. Jim looks at Dwight and mugs. This exact scenario happens the next day, and the day after that, and the next day. Dwight, finally fed up, asks Jim why he's doing this when he's obviously not even eating the baked goods. "Because, Dwight, it's funny. Because it means so little to me and yet so much to you. That's the joke!" Jim loads another $40,000 worth of pastries into his car, then drives the car off a cliff. It lands on the other 3 cars full of baked goods that Jim has already crashed. "Jeez, talk about a crash diet!" Jim stammers as he crawls out of the wreckage.
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Jun 7, 2022 19:26
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James burns down the West End Architectural Salvage in western Des Moines the day before Bill’s gallery of stools and tables carved from the wood reclaimed from an old factory was supposed to open. Bill is drawn suspiciously similarly looking to Dwight.
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Jun 7, 2022 19:32
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Dwight watches a documentary about starving children in Africa, and decides to do something. He spends months organizing a humanitarian aid campaign, and charters a cargo flight. He donates half of his beet crop at a loss, and the plane is fully filled. Jim acquired a Stinger SAM MANPAD from the shady contact he usually gets his chemical weapons supplies from, and downs the cargo jet right after takeoff into the suburbs of Scranton. The debris lands on a daycare. "Heh. Got him again." "At least the beets are baked."
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Jun 7, 2022 21:20
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Jim sells Dwight a cursed copy of Majora's Mask. Dwight wakes up as a Deku scrub. "Talk about meeting with a terrible fate!" cackles mask salesman Jim.
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Jun 7, 2022 21:53
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Dwight orders a burrito from a food truck, little suspecting it's actually a Tiny Jim wrapped in foil.
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Jun 8, 2022 00:43
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Jim’s comic book series (easily the worst comic series published by DC, possibly the entire publishing industry) is picked up and optioned for a movie, despite the fact that it features nothing but nonsensical, reality bending pranks arranged in non-sequitur format, featuring a smirking James and browbeaten Bill. The James Pranks Bill movie proves unexpectedly popular in Romania, and is the number one movie for twenty weeks straight, immediately causing three sequels to be greenlit.
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Jun 8, 2022 00:47
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poisonpill posted:Jim’s comic book series (easily the worst comic series published by DC, possibly the entire publishing industry) is picked up and optioned for a movie, despite the fact that it features nothing but nonsensical, reality bending pranks arranged in non-sequitur format, featuring a smirking James and browbeaten Bill. The James Pranks Bill movie proves unexpectedly popular in Romania, and is the number one movie for twenty weeks straight, immediately causing three sequels to be greenlit. Jim invests his share of the profits in opening a chain of video rental and 1 hour photo stores across Scranton. When Dwight gently tries to explain him that both these industries have vanished over the last decade, Jim opens his jaw wide and a tiny prehensile Jim emerges from the gaping maw (his, Jims) and mugs at Dwight.
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Jun 8, 2022 00:49
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Jim changes everything, completely realigning the fundamental order of the universe. Jim is Pam, stapler is jello, Angela is Mose, paper is clown, and so on. Chaos reigns. Beet Dwights the camera.
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Jun 8, 2022 04:17
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Dwight goes camping for the weekend, grateful to be away from the noise and bustle of the city. He's just getting ready to relax when Jim pulls up in a huge, obnoxious RV. Jim lays on the horn (which plays "I Wish I Was in Dixie") and shouts "hey, neighbor! Guess we both needed to get away from it all this weekend, huh?" Jim proceeds to set up a TV, stereo, satellite dish and hot tub, all powered by several roaring gas generators. The noise scares away all the birds and Dwight zips his birdwatching guide back into his backpack, sighing. Jim mugs at the camera crew who also came along.
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Jun 8, 2022 12:40
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Jim starts driving an ice cream truck around town. Instead of a merry jingle to attract customers, he plays a recording he made of Angela and Dwight making love. The ice cream cone on top of the truck spins around, revealing Jim's smug face carved into one side.
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Jun 8, 2022 13:37
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Dunder Mifflin is being remodeled after suffering extreme gelatin damage, so Dwight returns to his work from home setup. Jim loudly complains that his local internet is "dumber than a donkey" and convinces corporate that he should be allowed to work from Dwight's house. Given unfettered access to Dwight's house, Jim shows up to work with a huge grin on his face. "Dwight, first of all, where is the toilet? I've been working on a little something to break in the place!" Dwight sighs and directs Jim to the bathroom. 45 minutes later, Jim shows up to work, complaining that Dwight's toilet takes "10 to 15 flushes" to get everything down. Immersing himself in work, Dwight prays that the day goes quickly. And it does at first, until lunch time. "Okay, a fat guy like you must loooove eating! So what are you cooking us?" Dwight notes that he's prepared a sandwich for himself, but that he wasn't expecting to have to serve Jim lunch. Jim says that's okay, he'll make his own lunch. With that, he begins tearing apart the kitchen. Jim constructs a Dagwood-esque sandwich that's nearly 5 feet tall. "Oh man, big sandwich." Jim moans with pleasure as he unhooks his jaw and begins to feast. After he finishes, Jim again asks where the bathroom is. Dwight reminds him and Jim runs towards it, muttering "GOTTA POOP!" again and again. Dwight hears the toilet flush an hour later and Jim comes out smoking a cigarette. "Jeez, talk about dropping the kids off at the pool, huh? Anyway, looks like it's about time to wrap it up for the day. I'll see you tomorrow, buddy!" Jim strolls out the door, leaving his laptop and all of his personal belongings on Dwight's kitchen table. Dwight finishes work 3 hours later and then heads to the bathroom. He's hit with a terrible odor and is shocked to find a man bound and gagged in the bathroom. Dwight quickly unties him, only to hear police sirens outside. "Dwight Schrute, come out with your hands up! We know you have the State Senator as a hostage in your bathroom!" Jim, who placed the call to police moments ago, mugs for the camera.
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Jun 8, 2022 14:50
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Dwight's chair is broken and Jim, uncharacteristically, offers up his own seat. "I know this might be a bit un-CHAIR-acteristic of me, but here ya go!" Dwight is about to sit down when he notices a massive stain on the seat of the chair, exactly in the shape of Jim's buttocks and taint. "What's the matter, Dwight? There TAINT nothing wrong with this chair! BUTT you're acting like something's off!" Jim mugs for the camera.
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Jun 8, 2022 15:13
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After a disastrous fiscal quarter, Dunder Mifflin is looking to make major cuts in spending. One of the board members suggests that they fire the lowest performing salesman at each branch. Jim is, of course, the worst performer at the Scranton branch. Michael and Toby ask him to join them in the conference room, where they explain that he's being fired. "Oh, you're firing Jim Halpert? Well, what if I'm not Jim any more? What if I'm...Tim..." Jim looks around the room, desperate for a fake name. Michael cuts him off, saying that he doesn't need to go on, everyone knows where this bit is going. Jim stares at his hands for a moment. "So just like that? I'm gone. I'm fired?" Michael and Toby lead Jim outside. He is silent the entire time and slowly walks across the parking lot to his car. He drives home, where he collapses on the couch after closing all the blinds and curtains in his house. "Now, people, we really need to prove to corporate that we're a high performing branch," adds Michael, "or else they're going to look for more cuts. And Andy, love ya pal, but you're on the chopping block." Andy looks distressed and then quickly starts making phone calls. Dunder Mifflin Corporate sees a new renaissance with Jim gone, nearly quadrupling their sales and effectively buoying the rest of the company through their profitability. Jim, meanwhile, overcomes his initial depression and changes his life entirely. He cuts his floppy hair, begins eating real food, and attends a Prankaholics Anonymous class. Jim overcomes his addiction and begins charity work around Scranton, inspired by Dwight. But, fearing a relapse, Jim avoids any interactions with his old coworkers. 18 months pass and Jim coincidently runs into Dwight at a soup kitchen they're both volunteering at. Dwight embraces his old coworker, saying how happy he is to see him and for the many positive changes Jim has made in his life. "Yeah, you might say I souped up my life!" Jim and Dwight laugh at this. Dwight is about to ask where Jim gets his hair cut but Jim hasn't stopped laughing. Tears are forming in his eyes and his laugh gets raspier and wheezier. "SOUP, DWIGHT! I SOUPED UP MY LIFE!" Jim tosses a bowl of clam chowder at Dwight's face, then dives into the kitchen. Jim dives into a massive pot of soup, covering his body in it. He bursts forth, crying. Jim has been reborn into this world, violently, his soupy placenta spraying everywhere. The soup covered-Jim (it's wedding soup, by the way) rolls around on the floor, speaking in tongues. He stands up and begins to bend and twist, his joints letting out a series of horrific pops that sound like a firing squad. Jim tears at his hair, somehow PULLING it out of his scalp. It's floppy again, just the way he likes it. Jim's limbs twist and stretch to inhuman proportions, his body taking on its more traditional famine-stricken look. His eyes roll wildly in their sockets, examining everything in the room. They finally focus on Dwight. Jim mugs, his first mug in a long time. It feels good. "Hey there, Balloon Boy! Thought you got rid of me, huh? Too bad!" Jim runs away into the night, leaving Dwight alone with his thoughts. Dwight is racked with guilt over Jim's relapse. "No, I planned it like that the whole time," Jim says in a talking head segment. "It's much funnier when I mess with Dwight's expectations like that."
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Jun 8, 2022 16:59
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Jesus lol
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Jun 8, 2022 19:40
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Lmao This Jim guy is a real piece of work
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Jun 8, 2022 19:46
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| # ? May 14, 2024 08:48 |
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Dwight sees Jim out of the corner of his eye and is momentarily startled. Jim is in the corner breathing heavily over a half-eaten plate of spaghetti. The spaghetti Jim has already consumed is faintly visible through the translucent skin of Jim's distended belly.
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Jun 8, 2022 20:04
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