|
I swear, one of these days, if I don't learn the difference between baklava and a balaclava, I'll eat my own hat.
|
#
?
Jun 2, 2022 16:01
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 11, 2024 03:44 |
|
|
Mr. Bad Guy posted:Really? What's the name of his other leg?
|
|
#
?
Jun 2, 2022 16:30
|
|
|
It's too bad Goatse wasn't around in the age of Kickstarter, he'd really nail those stretch goals.
|
|
#
?
Jun 3, 2022 02:39
|
|
|
A math (major) joke I made up hangover last Saturday: -- Polish airline decided to buy new airplanes, and invited big aircraft manufacturer to come over and present their planes. As the contract was big, the they bought up their best and newest planes, most beautiful salespersons and best possible catering. The airline people came, toured the planes, listened to sales pitches, ate, drank and left. The event seemed like a success for the manufacturer. However, one sales executive checked the catering afterwards:, all beer and vodka was gone, as were most of the food, but there was a lot of pies left over. - "Was there something wrong with the food?" - asked the executive. - "Nah, that is just a normal residue" - answered the catering staff. "After touring the complex plane a simple pole will only eye two pies." Letmebefrank has a new favorite as of 08:15 on Jun 6, 2022 |
|
#
?
Jun 6, 2022 08:05
|
|
|
Letmebefrank posted:A math (major) joke I made up hangover last Saturday: I like it, thanks.
|
|
#
?
Jun 6, 2022 10:29
|
|
|
A mathematician named his dog Cauchy. Because it leaves a residue at every simple pole.
|
|
#
?
Jun 6, 2022 12:15
|
|
|
A scientist had been working for a long time to discover a way to live forever. Rather than experiment on humans, however, he tested his formulas on a pair of dolphins, which he kept in the pool behind his house. One day he finally had a breakthrough: he realized the missing ingredient was a hormone found only in the bodies of sea birds. Grabbing a cage, he rushed off to the beach to capture some. While he was out, a lion escaped its pen in a nearby zoo. However, it was an elderly, toothless beast, and it only wandered a short distance before settling down on the scientist's front porch to nap in the sun. When the scientist returned with his birds, he was so excited that he barely noticed the lion. He just jumped over it and rushed into his lab. But before he could get started, the FBI broke in and arrested him. The charge: transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
|
|
#
?
Jun 6, 2022 18:22
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Jun 6, 2022 19:02
|
|
|
How many fish does it take to protect you from the sun? Just a pair o' sole.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2022 02:38
|
|
|
Two murderers have escaped from prison so police set road blocks on a perimeter. At one of them police men stop two Italians in a car. The Italians ask why they stopped them, the police man says we're looking for two murderers. The Italians look at each other, then back at the police man and say : ok, we'll do it.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2022 16:52
|
|
|
What's the longest word in the English language? Smiles. There's a mile between the two s's. What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep. This one had everyone in middle school crying from laughing.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 03:20
|
|
|
Cowslips Warren posted:What do elephants use for tampons? Follow-up joke: What do elephants use for vibrators? Epileptics.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 03:57
|
|
|
Q: why do men take such long craps? A: it’s the only time our Wive’s can’t nag us! 😂
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 07:52
|
|
|
I wonder why I've never heard an English "whole-word-spoonerism" joke. Like this one in Danish: Hvad er forskellen på en færge og en boksehandske? (What is the difference between a ferry and a boxing glove?) En færge tuder i havnen, men en boksehandske havner i tuden (A ferry honks at the landing, but a boxing glove lands on your honker) Wow I actually managed to translate that while keeping the pun (though the English does sound a bit more awkward to me than the Danish version).
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 11:21
|
|
|
Carthag Tuek posted:I wonder why I've never heard an English "whole-word-spoonerism" joke. Like this one in Danish: That's impressive translating! That kind of joke for sure happens in English. For instance, What's the difference between a circus and a whore house? One has a cunning array of stunts...
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 11:36
|
|
|
Hyperlynx posted:That's impressive translating! What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostiture with diarrhea? One shucks between fits.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 11:53
|
|
|
For a more wholesome one. What's the difference between a metallurgist and burgler? One watches steel, the other steals watches.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 12:03
|
|
|
/\E: yeah like that /\ I think by "whole word" they mean the words stay the same as opposed to the usually English versions where they get jumbled up. lovely example: what's the difference between (some coward named Bruce idk) and Bruce Bagemhil? One chickened out and the other outs chickens.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 12:08
|
|
|
Yeah, like Splicer said, where entire words get switched instead of just the first letter/syllable. Also nice one, hooman! Also thanks Hyperlynx 
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 12:12
|
|
|
Carthag Tuek posted:Yeah, like Splicer said, where entire words get switched instead of just the first letter/syllable. Also nice one, hooman! Hvad er forskel mellem H.C. Andersen og en dildo? H.C. Andersen er forfatter; en dildo er for mutter.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 13:17
|
|
|
Rust Martialis posted:Hvad er forskel mellem H.C. Andersen og en dildo? rofl den var ny for mig
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 13:38
|
|
|
Selachian posted:A scientist had been working for a long time to discover a way to live forever. Rather than experiment on humans, however, he tested his formulas on a pair of dolphins, which he kept in the pool behind his house. This was better when the birds were mynahs.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 13:39
|
|
|
Carthag Tuek posted:Yeah, like Splicer said, where entire words get switched instead of just the first letter/syllable. Also nice one, hooman! Hm. There was a joke in Asterix, I think in The Chieftain's Shield, where they turn up at a hot springs medical place, and ask one of the workers there where the head doctor is, and the worker tells them, and finishes with "tell him your condition, whatever springs to mind. I've got to mind the springs".
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 13:55
|
|
|
I mean the common answer to "I have a hole in my sock" is "better than the other way around."
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 16:59
|
|
|
Of course you do, how else are you going to put it on? /dadjoke
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 17:10
|
|
|
hooman posted:For a more wholesome one. Reminds me of: What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailor? One sells watches, the other watches cells.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 23:30
|
|
|
Hyperlynx posted:Hm. There was a joke in Asterix, I think in The Chieftain's Shield, where they turn up at a hot springs medical place, and ask one of the workers there where the head doctor is, and the worker tells them, and finishes with "tell him your condition, whatever springs to mind. I've got to mind the springs". Yes! Carbon dioxide posted:I mean the common answer to "I have a hole in my sock" is "better than the other way around." alright! (form is off, but I'll accept it) Dodgeball posted:Reminds me of: Yes!!
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2022 23:40
|
|
|
I'm reminded of Norm MacDonald trying to work towards jokes where the punchline is as close as possible to the setup. One example: "Christie Brinkley has announced she is divorcing Billy Joel. She said she knew the marriage was over when she realized, 'She is Christie Brinkley, and he is Billy Joel.'"
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 00:13
|
|
|
Hyperlynx posted:That's impressive translating! The better version of that is "What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon? One's for cunning stunts..." On the subject of elephant jokes: why do elephants have four feet? Because they'd look silly with only six inches.
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 01:10
|
|
|
Jedit posted:The better version of that is "What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon? One's for cunning stunts..." ... and the other's for police brutality? I don't get it 
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 03:14
|
|
|
Hyperlynx posted:What's the difference between a circus and a whore house? 
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 03:23
|
|
|
Hyperlynx posted:What's the difference between a circus and a whore house? What’s the difference between a smart little person and an STD? One is a cunning runt…
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 03:28
|
|
|
HEY ANYONE HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE STUNNING CUNTS
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 03:32
|
|
|
many people warned posters like you might show up, yes
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 05:17
|
|
|
I've always liked the ones where a word is turned into a different category, like a noun into a verb or the other way round. Like "Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana." or "What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef." Or a (sadly untranslateable) German one: "Ich hasse Menschen, die Redensarten falsch benutzen. Die nerven wie Drahtseile."
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 07:42
|
|
|
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? "I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face."
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 07:54
|
|
|
Dave Syndrome posted:Or a (sadly untranslateable) German one: It can't be directly translated, but the meaning is conveyed by "I hate people who use idioms. They should knock it off." Jedit has a new favorite as of 09:09 on Jun 11, 2022 |
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 08:55
|
|
|
Rust Martialis posted:What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? speak for yourself
|
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2022 21:33
|
|
|
George Carlin famously said about acceptable language for television: “You can prick your finger – Just don’t finger your prick.”
|
|
#
?
Jun 12, 2022 04:34
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 11, 2024 03:44 |
|
|
Tom Waits is responsible for both "Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends" and "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
|
|
#
?
Jun 12, 2022 05:01
|
|
