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"He who controls the past controls the future!" declares Jim, altering all the sales receipts from the past five years so they read Jim's name instead of Dwight's. "I've always been the best paper salesman," says Jim, mugging for the telescreen.
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Jun 27, 2022 23:24
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| # ? May 29, 2024 22:58 |
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Elon Musk (dressed as Waluigi) decides to launch another car into space because not enough people are paying attention to him. Everyone at Dunder Mifflin is gathered around the TV for the mandatory watch party. Even though Dwight knows the launch is a cynical publicity stunt for a pathetic manchild, he can't suppress a certain thrill of excitement as he watches the rocket lift off and soar into space. The camera switches to the view from the rocket as the capsule opens and releases a familiar-looking Trans-Am into orbit. Dwight hurries to the window and sees his parking space is empty. "Jiiiiiiiiiiiim!" Dwight yells. But Jim isn't in the office. Where could he be? Suddenly everyone is pointing and yelling at the TV. Dwight turns to look. On the screen, Jim smirks and waves at the camera from behind the wheel of Dwight's car. "Talk about a space race!" says Elon Musk.
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Jun 28, 2022 03:53
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Elon Musk dressed as Waluigi enlists Jim's help in blowing up a dam overlooking a Boy Scout Jamboree so that Musk can swoop in and rescue the children with his life-size aspirin submarine. The fact that Dwight's son, Beetram, is attending the Jamboree is just icing on the cake.
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Jun 28, 2022 04:02
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Jim mails Dwight's shoes to Jupiter.
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Jun 28, 2022 04:08
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Jim mean-mugs Dwight. This time, it's personal.
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Jun 28, 2022 05:17
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The Stapler covers Jellos Dwight in Jim
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Jun 28, 2022 12:37
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Dwight decides to "soup up" his beloved 1987 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am by installing an electric motor and freeing himself from fossil fuels. Dwight struggles to source parts, however, and heads to Jim for advice. Knowing that Jim and Elon Musk are "tight", he asks Jim if he can get some help finding the necessary parts. "Wow, Dwight, ever wonder what's gonna happen when you run out of electricity on the highway? Gonna walk 5 miles and carry a can of electricity?!? And I thought the gas tax paid for our roads, what happens when there's no more gas? The roads will fall apart, Dwight, they'll literally fall apart. You greedy, hippie moron!" When Dwight says he was only asking because Elon is so involved with electric vehicles, Jim gets flustered for a moment and then dials his friend. Elon answers the phone, but cannot answer even basic questions from Dwight. Dwight quickly realizes that Elon keeps saying "battering" instead of battery and at one point describes the car as "the vroom vroom device". Dwight hangs up the phone in disgust. The next day, "DWIGHT IS A PEDOPHILE" is trending on Twitter. When Dwight tries to log in, he's been banned. Dwight questions this, saying that he thought Elon wasn't buying twitter any more. "Yeah, he isn't. But I am! Me, Jim, just to clarify!" Jim says, with a smug look on his face. DWIGHT IS A PEDOPHILE trends for the next 3 days.
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Jun 28, 2022 12:48
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Jim apologizes to Dwight for the years of pranking. He says he wants to put all that nastiness behind them and start over. He offers to take Dwight out for beers. Skeptical, Dwight agrees. At the bar, Dwight is constantly vigilant for an upcoming prank, but Jim remains perfectly civil. More so, he takes an active interest in Dwight's life and wants to hear about his aspirations and hobbies. Taken aback, a little pink enters Dwight's cheeks. The two begin to spend more and more time together in the ensuing weeks. They begin spending more time at each other's homes, helping each other with household tasks, and helping organize office social events together. One day the two are out enjoying ice cream along the beautiful Scranton beach when Jim descends to one knee. "Will you, Dwight, soup up our relationship, for now and for all time?" Enthusiastically, Dwight accepts Jim's proposal. But wait! Who emerges from within a nearby bush? It is the ever-jealous Roy! "You stay the gently caress away from him, Halpert!" Roy flies into a frenzy and kicks the poo poo out of Jim. Watching the love of his life being beaten to a pulp is too much for Dwight's heart to bear, and he breaks down into a mess of tears and snot. Jim's bloody face mugs the camera.
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Jun 28, 2022 14:21
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Dwight walks out of the bathroom at work and feels a wet spot forming on his crotch. He looks down and sees a squirt gun positioned perfectly at crotch level, spraying away automatically. Dwight heads back to his desk, where a grinning Jim already waits. "Wow Dwight, I can see URINE a big a rush today!" The next day Dwight heads to the bathroom again but carefully looks before heading in. No squirt gun. He does his business and leaves, content that Jim could not have possibly set up an automatic squirt gun that quickly. As he steps out, he feels water on his crotch again. The automatic squirt gun device has been installed again while Dwight used the facilities. Dwight heads back to his desk again. "I've heard of two peas in a pod, but peeing your pants? Whatever!" Jim laughs as Dwight sits uncomfortably for the rest of the day. On the third day, Dwight decides to head over to Vance Refrigeration to use the bathroom. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, says he understands and notes that Phyllis has actually been doing this exact thing for several years, ever since "the soccer incident". Ever cautious, Dwight still examines the bathroom entrance but finds no squirt gun. He does he business and carefully walks out, making sure not to trigger any hidden waterguns. He's in the clear! Dwight confidently heads back to Dunder Mifflin, opening the front door, only to find a squirt gun spraying his crotch as he steps into the office. A defeated Dwight heads back to his desk. "Jeez Dwight, talk about getting PISSED off!" Jim mugs for the camera.
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Jun 28, 2022 14:47
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The Squirt gun is filled with Dwights reclaimed piss
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Jun 28, 2022 14:57
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Roy, Ryan, Erin and Andy sit around a table at Poor Richard’s, morosely sipping their beers. “Remember when we used to work at a paper company?” asks Andy. “Remember when the craziest thing that happened was you sailing away in a boat?” responds Erin. A few minutes pass. “We used to be such a big part of the community in the office,” says Ryan, “but now we’re barely there. It’s all about Jim’s increasingly elaborate, reality-bending pranks.” Roy stands up. “I’m going to stop Halpert.” he says. “After what he did to Pam, I owe it to her memory.” The scene fades to a hazy smoke, and the scene is now a crystal ball. Someone is watching them speak. The camera pans back to reveal Jim, smirking and mugging the crystal ball.
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Jun 28, 2022 14:59
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Jim hypnotizes Erin so that whenever she hears Dwight answer his phone ("Hello. Dwight Schrute") she feels compelled to squirt Dwight in the crotch with a squirt gun full of Dwight's reclaimed urine.
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Jun 28, 2022 15:16
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Piss Jim stands up from his desk and stretches languidly, squelching to the kitchen. The rest of the office choke on his reek through their makeshift scarves
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Jun 28, 2022 15:28
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The Hello Machine posted:Jim apologizes to Dwight for the years of pranking. He says he wants to put all that nastiness behind them and start over. He offers to take Dwight out for beers. Skeptical, Dwight agrees.
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Jun 28, 2022 15:34
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Like yeah it's along the east coast but it doesn't really have a shoreline (jersey is in the way)
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Jun 28, 2022 15:35
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Jim detonates a pair of nuclear bombs at key points along the New Jersey faultline. New Jersey slides into the sea, transforming Jim's acres of worthless Pennsylvania coal country into valuable beachfront property. Dwight was on a sales trip to New Jersey at the time.
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Jun 28, 2022 15:41
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Dwight decides to make the trip to New York in order to speak to Dunder Mifflin's Corporate Branch, hoping to get them to reassign Jim. The drive, which normally takes less than 3 hours, seems to be dragging on. Dwight is disheartened to see the sun beginning to set. It seems impossible, he left at 8 in the morning. Dwight decides to drive through the night, wondering if he took some strange detour. He keeps following the signs for New York City, sure that he'll see the city's famous skyline soon enough. As the sun rises, Dwight still hasn't seen a sign marking his exit from Pennsylvania. He's been driving for 24 hours now and his heart begins to race. He decides to pull over and knock at the first house he can find, just to find out where he is. He rushes up to the strangely familiar house and knocks. Jim, nude except for a robe that hangs loosely around his shoulders and is open in the front, answers it. "Hey, Balloon Boy! What are you doing out here?" Panicked and terrified, Dwight opens his cell phone's GPS and plugs in his home address. He's 15 minutes away, just like always. New York City is 2 hours and 47 minutes away. Jim waves at Dwight as he rushes back to the car and begins driving again, this time leaving his GPS on as a guide. The sun again begins to set hours later and Dwight, his stomach growling, looks at his phone. He's still 2 hours and 29 minutes away from New York City. Impossible. Absolutely impossible. Dwight pulls over at a restaurant, looking to get some food and ask how close he is to New York City. The neon light flickers on as the sunlight fades. Famous Original Jim's. Dwight lets out a scream of horror and starts driving again, this time vowing to just head in one direction as long as he can. Eventually, he thinks, he'll reach something new. The GPS slowly ticks away, but too slow. After another 6 hours of driving, he's still 2 hours and 43 minutes from New York City. Dwight decides to plug in his own address, just to see what's going on. He's only 18 minutes from home. Dwight stops driving and pulls over into an abandoned parking lot. The sun is rising again. Dwight looks around. The neon lights of Famous Original Jim's is just barely behind him, less than a mile away. Impossible. Utterly impossible. Dwight lets out a scream of horror and frustration, then begins pounding his fists on the ground. A van pulls up beside him and a voice asks if he needs any help. Dwight apologizes for his outburst, but says he's very, very confused. "You're telling me. I drive out here, looking to catch some dogs, but instead I find my coworker freaking out in a parking lot? Jeez, talk about a Manic Monday!" Dwight sees Jim dressed in his raggedy dog catcher's outfit and screams again. He screams for a very, very long time. Dwight is still screaming as Jim helpfully drives him back to the office, just a short 3 minute drive from his current location.
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Jun 28, 2022 15:57
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Dwight tries to reach the corporate office via telephone in the hopes of getting Jim reassigned, but no matter which number he dials it always connects to the circus.
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Jun 28, 2022 16:09
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Jim decides to "soup up" his answering machine message by playing circus music in the background. Installing the full-sized steam calliope takes 75 hours and Dwight's desk has to be demolished to make room for the three ton keyboard. "Hey this is Jim, the king of clown paper. Leave a message unless you're a loser balloon boy," says Jim as a grinning Punchinello plays a merry circus tune on the calliope. Jim smirks at the camera.
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Jun 28, 2022 16:16
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Jim starts a twitter account named "Is Dwight still alive?" Every day, for 3 years, it simply tweets "Yes." One morning, it tweets "No." Jim mugs for the camera.
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Jun 28, 2022 16:39
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Dwight was never born. Jim exists as a phantom entity over the cursed, economically dying town of Scranton, endlessly smirking down at the shabby, difficult lives of its residents.
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Jun 28, 2022 16:51
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Jim starts kneeling multiple times a day and loudly praying. Dwight is overjoyed at the chance to finally put his beloved Baphomet statue up at his desk, but an enraged Jim freaks out when Dwight sets down the beautifully crafted Satanic figure. "Woah woah woah, Dwight, what the heck is that? You can't shove your SICK religion in my face, get that out of here!" Dwight contests this, arguing that his religious expression is just as valid as Jim's. "Fine, then watch this. I'll pray. If there is a God, my beloved White Man God, then he'll strike you down with a lightning bolt. Fair enough?" Dwight agrees to this. Jim gets on his knees and begins whispering. Suddenly, a surge of electricity flies from the ceiling and hits Dwight, striking him dead. Jim mugs for the camera. In a talking head segment, he (Jim) later explains that he just "rigged up some remote controlled tazers and crap" up there and put a bunch of metal shavings on Dwight's chair. "It's pretty funny, though, huh? Now everybody thinks I have divine power. Can you imagine?" Jim mugs for the camera again.
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Jun 28, 2022 17:23
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Jim dislocates his shoulder during a basic "replace Dwight's car with a tiny clown car" gag and is told by doctors that he needs to retire from pranking or he risks losing his arm. "Jeez, I've heard of hospital bills costing an arm and a leg, but this is crazy!" Disregarding medical advice, Jim continues pranking but soon finds he's suffering from vertigo, tingling in his extremities, and bouts of exhaustion. Doctors inform him that his Prankster's Organ is about to rupture, and even a single prank could kill him at this point. Jim sadly retires from pranking, announcing this loudly to the entire office. "Wait, is the Prankster's Organ a real thing?" a befuddled Kevin asks Oscar. "No, I think Jim's just been talking to himself again." Dwight thanks Jim for his years of pranking, then heads to the bathroom. "Jeez," asks Ryan, "it'd be pretty funny if Dwight had a spot of urine on his pants after that. You know, like a callback thing?" Jim rushes to install his automatic squirt gun and is suddenly racked with pain. He falls to the ground moaning, his arms twitching. "Oh no, my Prankster's Organ!" Jim explodes in a shower of blood and guts. Dwight opens the now gore-smeared bathroom door, looks down, and then grabs a mop.
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Jun 28, 2022 18:03
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Dwight is trying to watch footage of the January 6th hearings on YouTube but is interrupted every five minutes by an obnoxious ad for Sony Pictures's Minions: the Rise of Gru. As the hearings continue, Dwight notices YouTube's new Augmented Reality Advertising technology has also digitally inserted Minions into the background of the hearings. When one of the Minions takes the stand to testify in gibberish, Dwight gives up in exasperation. The floppy-haired Minion mugs at the camera.
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Jun 28, 2022 18:08
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A concerned Pam asks her husband if repeated, constant viewings of Minions and Mars Needs Moms may have "warped" him. Jim, nude except for yellow body paint and a pair of goggles, stares at his wife. "I don't think so. Now, can you help me find my overalls? I need to sneak into Dwight's beet field and plant all these banana trees!" Pam looks down at her left hand and nervously plays with her wedding band. Was it always like this? "Hey Pam, quit daydreaming! If I get out the door fast enough I can be home in time for Mars Needs Moms before 9 pm! And then, you know, I'll be... ready." Jim tries to look seductively at his wife but he looks more like a confused dog with something on its snout. Pam tosses Jim his overalls (they were under a pile of empty Famous Original Jim's pizza boxes) and Jim quickly snaps them on. He goes rushing out the door without saying a word.
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Jun 28, 2022 18:26
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Jim runs a find/replace search on his fanfic Minions on Mars: Operation Moms to replace all the copyrighted material with genericized replacements and retitles the story "Fifty Shades of Groo." Jim starts selling the story as an Amazon ebook. Shockingly, the reskinned fanfic becomes a cult smash. The ebook becomes so popular it even spills over into the mainstream consciousness. Fifty Shades of Groo gets picked up by a major publishing house in a whirlwind of publicity. Critics pan the book for its shallow characterization, convoluted storyline, bizarre themes and copious spelling and grammatical errors. Satirical readings of Fifty Shades of Groo attract millions of views on YouTube and SNL even features a sketch based on the book featuring Elon Musk as Waluigi. Of course the poor critical reception does nothing to dampen the book's popularity. There's a renewed public interest in the niche "prankster" subculture and ironic pranking becomes a viral fad. Meanwhile Jim's book is still flying off the shelves. In the blink of an eye, Fifty Shades of Groo is optioned for a major Hollywood film. Now Dwight has to deal with constant ads for both Minions and the even more obnoxious and sexually charged "Jimions." A naked Jimion with floppy hair mugs at Dwight from a billboard.
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Jun 28, 2022 19:35
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Jim sits in the backseat of Tesla Roadstar 9000 eating spaghetti as the driverless Roadstar barrels down the streets of Scranton in autopilot mode. As the roadstar approaches the next intersection, a siren blares as a firetruck comes speeding up against the light. Volunteer firefighter Dwight is mounted at the steering wheel at the end of the ladder section. All the other cars stop to allow the firetruck to pass, but the Roadstar's onboard laptop computer misreads the firetruck as a "75 mph" speed limit sign and misinterprets the ladder to be a railroad crossing and accelerates rapidly, altering course to intercept. "Woah!" laughs Jim as he's thrown around the backseat (he's not wearing a seatbelt because they "decrease virility"). Marinara sauce splatters all over the upholstery as the car jumps the meridian into oncoming traffic, hellbent on crashing into the firetruck. Dwight looks to his left just in time to see a circus-red Tesla Roadstar 9000 barreling toward him. He tries to swerve but there's only so much he can do as the caboose. There's a terrible crash and the last thing Dwight sees is Jim's smirking face crashing through the windshield of the Roadstar and flying directly at him.
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Jun 28, 2022 20:15
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In a 5-4 Supreme Court ruling, the constitutional right to broadcast an image of a nude Jim (whether wearing tennis shoes or not, but silent on the issue of whether Jim must be painted entirely yellow) directly into the home, office, or any video screen of a private citizen is protected by the first amendment. Jim is thus legally required to hack into Dwight’s phone and change his (Dwight’s) background to a picture of him (Jim) costumed like a nude minion. “Freedom isn’t free,” says Dwight, as a tear rolls down his cheek.
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Jun 28, 2022 20:32
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Il Capitano, Dwight, is made to look the buffoon by Pulcinella Jim. Michael looks on with dismay as Pantalone.
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Jun 28, 2022 21:00
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In a 5-4 Supreme Court ruling, the constitutional right to play pranks is protected by the Second Amendment (the entire amendment was a prank by the Founding Fathers on the American people). Jim cannot be prosecuted for anything he does as long as even one person (or hyena) laughs at it.
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Jun 28, 2022 21:07
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Jim wrings his hands from behind a pillar as he schemes to break up the innamorati: Roy and Pam.
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Jun 28, 2022 21:09
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Dwight is tasked to serve King Michael of Mycenae for ten years, due to a clerical mixup between Hercules, who needs to do penance for murdering their family, and Dwight, who wishes to register a new beet cultivar. King Michael orders Dwight to slay the fearsome Lernean Hydra. Dwight travels to lake Lerna where the beasts poisonous breath has killed animals and vegetation for miles around. The hydra rears its nine heads at Dwight, who lops the darting, serpentine necks with the speed of a cobra and the strength of a bull in its prime. To his, Dwight's, horror, each time he lops off a head, two more quickly regenerate in its stead! Thinking quickly, Dwight realises that the central, great, head is immortal. If he can seal the stumps of the lesser heads with fire, they will no longer grow back, and he, Dwight, can tackle the central head and bury it under a great boulder. Putting the plan into action, Dwight slices off a darting maw and cries out, "Now, Jim! Seal the neck stump with hot pitch!" Dwight is hard-pressed, but is heartened to see Jim leap to his, Dwight's, side, and daub the fresh neck stump with... TCP? As they are both devoured by the spawn of Typhon, Jim mugs the camera.
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Jun 28, 2022 21:34
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Jim replaces Dwight’s desk, and his own, with desks that he custom-built. They are identical in every way, except 95% of the size as the original desks. The difference in size is indistinguishable from the originals, but Dwight spends an entire week fumbling his mouse off the desk surface, having trouble fitting his papers into drawers, and spilling coffee into his lap. Jim smugly sits across from Dwight and slides his chair forward. “I’ve heard of dropping it like it’s hot, but this is ridiculous! Don’t you think you’re too big to be playing with your food?” Jim mugs the camera, his face frozen into an odd contortion between a smirk and a pained wince (Jim banged his knee hard into his slightly smaller desk while sliding forward).
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Jun 28, 2022 22:14
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Every morning after Dwight leaves for work, Jim sneaks into Dwight's house and places nuisance calls to various emergency services until every public and private emergency service in Scranton has blocked Dwight's phone number. All Jim has to do now is wait.
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Jun 28, 2022 22:21
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Dwight desperately tries to call poison control as Mose lies foaming at the mouth from eating a chocolate bar (a Jimmy Wonka's Prank-diddly-anxious), but only gets an automated message telling Dwight the number cannot be reached from his phone.
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Jun 28, 2022 22:24
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I think I got all the major running gags in the OP. Some of the themes developed so gradually or are so taken for granted as part of the lore (E.g. Pam being an alcoholic) that there's no definable beginning.
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Jun 28, 2022 23:51
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In a crossover episode with Bobs Burgers, Jim treats his coworkers to a book reading from his extremely graphic self published novel “Mars Needs Cocks: Dunder Mifflin Edition”
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Jun 28, 2022 23:56
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In a crossover episode with Bobs Burgers, Jim treats his coworkers to a book reading from his extremely graphic self published novel “Mars Needs Cums: Dunder Mifflin Edition”
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Jun 29, 2022 00:31
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Venom "Punished" Dwight learns that he was never the original legendary salesman. It was a prank set up by Jimcelot so that the real Big Schrute would be unopposed in forming his own paper nation, Outer Scranton (ending the abuse and exploitation of salespeople by the world's governments, based on his interpretation of The Michael's will). In light of this revelation, Kazuhira Miner resigns from Diamond Beets in disgust.
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Jun 29, 2022 01:16
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| # ? May 29, 2024 22:58 |
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Elon Musk storms into the office (dressed haphazardly in a Waluigi costume) and shouts "everyone into the conference room!" Everyone groans and files into the conference room. Elon glares at all of them for an awkwardly long time. When Kevin raises his hand to ask what the meeting is about, Elon interrupts him. "This is what I think of television!" shouts Musk. He pulls a claw hammer out of his purple overalls and starts attacking the conference room TV. He shrieks incoherently, spittle flying from his weird frog mouth as he pours all his rage into destroying the ancient CRT screen. Once it (the TV) is nothing more than a heap of shattered plastic and glass, Musk wheels the smashed TV over to the window and chucks it out. "Any questions?" demands a panting, red faced Musk. Everyone in the office is bursting with questions, but everyone knows better than to ask. Everyone except... "Yes, Jim?" Musk points to the back where Jim sits with his (Jim's) hand raised. Jim is nude except for a coat of yellow body paint and a pair of goggles. "Banana?" asks Jim. Musk frowns angrily for a moment, but then his angry frown turns into his happy frown. "Pupoy?" replies Musk. "Peeka pooka!" Jim responds. Soon the two are deep in an obnoxious gibberish conversation, pausing periodically to laugh their asses off. "Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?" demands Stanley. Dwight sighs and looks at his watch. He's late for a sales call. Out in the office, he hears his phone start to ring.
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Jun 29, 2022 03:38
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