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Jim’s best friend Elon Musk let’s him (Jim) know that he’s had a bit of an oopsies in the office - Kelly is now pregnant with triplets after a drunken night of IVF and embryo sex selection. Jim hatches a plot to blame Kelly’s pregnancy on Dwight as a “prank” (how this is a prank is unclear), but before he can set his plan in motion Musk also impregnates Erin and Meredith.
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Jul 7, 2022 14:41
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Whoopsy doodle!
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Jul 7, 2022 15:08
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Dwight starts a thread on the Something Awful forums to mine ideas for new pranks that Jim might play on Dwight, so that defences can be designed.
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Jul 7, 2022 15:08
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Dwight defeats a Beholder and rigs up its magical central eye over Jim's desk to keep Jim permanently bathed in an Anti-Magic cone. Jim blows nonmagical spitballs at Dwight through a nonmagical straw.
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Jul 7, 2022 15:10
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Kelly, Meredith and Erin confront Elon about his propensity to impregnate women he works with, but Jim quickly comes to the rescue by shouting “pobodies nerfect!” Sharing a laugh, all three women shake their heads and retreat to their desks, and Elon flashes Jim a thumbs up. Dwight tries to point out that Elons conduct is extremely inappropriate at best - and borderline illegal - but is roundly ignored.
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Jul 7, 2022 15:12
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Good King Dwight rules over his people with a kind and just heart, living in the humble home of a farmer and letting his citizens enjoy the perks of the Scranton Castle. Court Jester Jim grows wicked and cruel over time, arguing that the Kingdom of Scranton could easily expand its borders. King Dwight takes him aside and explains that there will never be a war so long as he is King, then leaves Jim alone. "Aye, perhaps its time for ol' Jim the Jester to become King. I've heard of clowns in congress before, but a clown as king?" As Dwight prepares dinner that evening, Jim steps into the kitchen and offers him a glass of wine. "Sorry I was WINE-ing so much before, your majesty!" Dwight chuckles and clinks glasses with Jim, then gladly drinks from his glass. As soon as he downs the beverage he can tell something is wrong. Dwight begins to choke and spit up the drink, which is now smoking and fizzing as it lands on the floor. "Jeez, drink much, your FAT-esty?" Good King Dwight, who transformed Scranton into a paradise on Earth, feels his life slipping from him. Reaching out with the last of his strength, he grabs at Jim. Dwight knows that he has very little time left, but he still has just enough time to do one last good deed. He reaches up to the twig-like throat of Jim the Jester and begins to squeeze. "Wow, I've heard of autoerotic asphyxiation, but this is ridicul-" Jim is cut off as he begins to gasp for oxygen. Dwight squeezes the last bit of life out of him and then passes away himself. The two bodies are found as the citizens of Scranton begin to arrive for the King's Dinner. Some time later, two children are born in neighboring homes. One child reaches towards a beet with a smile on his face. The other one is described by all as "floppy".
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Jul 7, 2022 15:37
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jim throws an egg at dwight from a passing car
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Jul 7, 2022 16:42
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Jim throws a car at Dwight from a passing egg.
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Jul 7, 2022 16:54
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Jim steps away from a meeting to "slip into something more comfortable." Everyone else grumbles while they speculate just how nude Jim will be when he reenters. A moment later, a wrecking ball smashes through the room. "Oh yeah, I'mf very comfortable insch construction equipment," Jim tells the camera crew outside, operating the machine with one hand while munching on a bag of popcorn.
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Jul 7, 2022 17:59
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While driving to a corporate retreat, Jim tosses Dwight onto a pile of nearby eggs. "That's EGGS-actly what I was trying to do! The yolk's on you, Balloon Boy!" Dwight doesn't hear any of these, however, as Jim is already nearly a mile down the road.
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Jul 7, 2022 18:15
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Jim could always go for the gold and just send Dwight to China. Let him wake up on the great wall of China in a sack, no wallet, passport, just holding his personal bobble head.
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Jul 7, 2022 18:48
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Jim is seriously injured in a jet-ski accident (he was attempting to "jump the shark" that he released in Dwight's flooded house) and Dwight is asked by corporate to track down his parents, who are still listed as his emergency contact. Dwight asks Pam for the contact info, but Pam admits that she's never met Jim's parents before. When Dwight asks about the wedding, Pam ominously says "those weren't his parents, they were just pretending to be". Using the only information available, a single address, Dwight heads out to reach Jim's parents. As he leaves Scranton, Dwight begins heading towards the listed address. The sun is blazing high in the sky as Dwight reaches the house, an unassuming 2 floor house in the suburbs. Dwight rings the doorbell and an elderly man wearing a T-shirt that says "My Other Son is in a Jetski-induced Coma" answers the door. Dwight solemnly explains the situation. "I know that, dumbass, why do you think I had this shirt printed?" The man invites Dwight in for a drink, and Dwight accepts, although he feels incredibly uneasy with the situation. The entire house is decorated with photos of Jim's family. Dwight notices that the man in the photo is the same man pouring him a drink, so at least that's not a lie. The man brings Dwight a glass of milk. "It's my own recipe. I call it the Hotter than Hot milk, it's got some spices in it. But the milk helps cool it down." Dwight takes a polite sip and almost vomits. He decides to quickly get this over with, explaining that Mr. Halpert needs to sign some paperwork in case Jim doesn't pull through. As he's explaining this, a woman steps out from the kitchen. She's as old as Jim's father, with milky-white eyes that must be completely blind. As she feels around the room, she lets out a loud fart and then sits down. Jim's father laughs maniacally at the fart, then lets out a fart himself. Jim's mother laughs but does not return the fart. Dwight views all of this as if he's watching some alien species. "Hey, Dwight, I filled all of this poo poo out for ya. If Jim croaks, we get his stuff, right?" Dwight is now incredibly uncomfortable and simply says "yes", then begins gathering his things. Jim's mother has not said a single word and Dwight believes she may have fallen asleep. As he reaches the door, whoever, she begins to speak. "Hey, Balloon Boy! I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!" She begins rocking back and forth, staring at nothing, and giggling. Jim's father begins to laugh, too, slapping his knee as he doubles over from laughter. Dwight runs out of the house, gets in his car, and drives away as quickly as possible. He doesn't look back at the house. When Dwight gets back to work, Michael asks if Dwight was able to find Jim's family and get them to sign the paperwork. Dwight silently hands the paperwork over. "Hey, Dwight, did you see this signature? I mean, did you get a good look?" Dwight looks closely at the name. EDWARD "EDDIE" HALPERT He looks closer, where Michael is pointing. Inside of the 3rd letter D is tiny drawing. Michael grabs a magnifying glass to get a better look. Two tiny figures, one of them labelled "DWIGHT" are engaging in an elaborately drawn recreation of anal sex. Next to it, in even tinier words, is the phrase "Jeez, I've heard of getting screwed by your job, but this is ridiculous!" "Wait, there's more." Michael grabs a 2nd magnifying glass to zoom in even further. Inside of the small phrase is a tiny drawing of Jim's face, mugging.
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Jul 7, 2022 19:27
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Jim puts nettles in Dwight's boots so that Dwight's feet and ankles get all scratched up when he goes hiking.
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Jul 7, 2022 20:21
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Jim throws a rattlesnake at Dwight.
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Jul 8, 2022 06:39
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Jim traps Dwight's soul in the Dwight bobble head 
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Jul 8, 2022 07:50
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Jim likes thousands of Dwight's old photos on facebook at 3 in the morning. Under a photo of Dwight at the beach, Jim simply comments "nice".
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Jul 8, 2022 12:50
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Jim continually spams "@everyone" messages in the Beet Charity discord server of which Dwight is a member, causing Dwight to receive alerts on his phone at all hours of the day and night. The message is always a photo of Jim mugging the camera and it's different photos each time.
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Jul 8, 2022 15:07
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Dwight asks Jim for help in writing his (Dwight's) speech for the Dundee awards. Jim writes a multi-page speech consisting of a single, grammatically correct run-on sentence. Dwight, who is a stickler for the rule that one pauses for breath only at a full stop, passes out halfway down the first page. Jim, sitting in the audience, leaps up to applaud, smirking at the camera as he does so.
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Jul 8, 2022 15:11
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Jim "soups up" the Dunder Mifflin coffee machine, allowing it to create coffee so hot that it can destroy all other matter. "Hey Dwight, would you mind grabbing me a cup of coffee?" he asks with a smirk. Dwight begins pouring a cup and is shocked as the hotter than hot liquid slices through the styrofoam cup and hits the linoleum. It instantly destroys the floor and then begins its trip towards the center of the Earth, easily destroying everything in its path. The insanely hot liquid destabilizes Earth's core, beginning a series of violent earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. Earth is rocked with tidal waves, disastrous tectonic shifts, and clouds of ash. With 48 hours, scientists declare it to be the end of the world. "Jeez, and I thought McDonald's made their coffee hot!" Jim smugly says.
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Jul 8, 2022 15:53
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Jim soups up the non-dairy creamer by replacing it with anti-coffee. Meredith adds this to her morning cup resulting in the coffee and anti-coffee annihilating each other. Meredith is blasted across the room by the resulting explosion. She, Meredith, has also absorbed many times the lethal dose of gamma radiation and has to be taken to hospital, for palliative care. "I heard of a cupof Joe, but a cup of Jim?" Jim mugs the camera.
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Jul 8, 2022 16:18
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Jim notices Dwight in line at McDonalds and pulls his car in behind him and lays on his horn to annoy him. True, Dwight was already startled when Jim drove his car through the front of the store and pinned his body against the counter, but the horn IS also incredibly distracting.
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Jul 9, 2022 07:24
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Edgelord Jim bursts into the office one Thursday morning and starts upsetting the entire staff with his edgy attitude. Jim, for once feeling embarrassed, apologizes to Dwight and the others. He explains that due to his non-linear, multi-dimensional nature, he sometimes has his current reality overlap with an alterJim from another. "Don't worry. These things last about a week." "Well, I should hope so," Dwight snorts. "Two Jims are worse than one." "Well, just put up with it or I'll turn you into a balloon again." Edgelord Jim is confused, this is some new information he's yet to be informed of. "What? You use your power to turn this four-eyed gently caress into a into a balloon? That's the best you've got?" "Not all the... You got something better?" Edgelord Jim doesn't initially smile, but goes into great detail, become more manic and amused as he goes on. It takes him nearly 10 minutes to fully describe the ever increasingly vile details of the transformation experience Dwight could expect from him. During this time, Dwight has quietly rushed to his car and started to drive as far from the office as he can in hopes he can escape the Halpert Reality Field before either Jim realizes.
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Jul 9, 2022 08:29
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It's Dwight's birthday today, and he's 33! That means only one thing... BRING IT IN, GUYS!!! *every Jim from every game, comic, cartoon, TV show, movie and book reality come in with everything for a HUGE pranking session*
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Jul 9, 2022 10:28
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It's Dwight's birthday today, and he's 33! That means only one thing... Jim crucifies Dwight.
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Jul 9, 2022 12:17
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does anyone actually work in a place where you not only know every single detail about all of your co-workers' private lives, but you also constantly socialize with them when not on the clock? cuz man that sounds like a complete loving nightmare.
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Jul 9, 2022 19:31
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haljordan posted:does anyone actually work in a place where you not only know every single detail about all of your co-workers' private lives, but you also constantly socialize with them when not on the clock? cuz man that sounds like a complete loving nightmare. The military is like that.
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Jul 9, 2022 19:33
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Applewhite posted:The military. yeah but at least you get a gun
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Jul 9, 2022 19:34
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Jim convinces Dwight to pursue his dream as a musician. Jim supports him, leading Dwight to rapidly become the most well known Scranton-area rockstar. At the height of Dwight's popularity, Jim reveals that Dwight's biggest hit song, Beeter Sweet Symphony, was plagiarized from a Rolling Stones track, leading to Dwight's suicide after court proceedings award his farm to Keith Richards.
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Jul 9, 2022 21:11
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Jim goes back in time in repeatedly implants the lyrics and music to hugely successful songs in Dwight's head a few days before they've actually been released. Dwight is constantly accused of ripping off other performers when he plays his new songs. To be honest, though, he's not: Jim first went back in time and implanted the lyrics and music to the greatest songs Dwight would have ever written into the minds of a bunch of the random cover band hacks. As a side effect, he's destroyed a lot of lives, but so long as Dwight never gets to realize he's the original creator of such songs as "Hallelujah", "November Rain", "1979" and a thousand other classics of the modern age, Jim's happy.
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Jul 9, 2022 23:26
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Michael’s lazy nephew Luke is having trouble opening the printer tray. He half-heatedly says it must be jammed, or broken, or something. Dwight says, “Use the force, Luke,” with a slight smile. Everybody blinks for a moment, confused. “What?” asks Andy. “What force?” asks Kevin, looking around at the air around his head. Jim smirks at the camera (he travelled back in time to Modesto, California in the mid-60s and killed George Lucas before Star Wars could ever be made, leaving Dwight as the only remaining person who remembers it in the universe).
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Jul 11, 2022 05:42
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In that new reality, Jim learns Dwight is writing the mythology of the most important and good aspects of Star Wars (along with a little bit of creative rewriting to take care of some plot holes) to keep the spirit of the franchise alive. Jim swiftly has a 'spiritual awakening'. He then announces he's forming a religious organization around the concept of an all-encompassing Force and goes to publish a series of pamphlets about the "Jedi Order" and their core beliefs and spread them through the nation. Dwight is even more infuriated upon learning Jim couldn't even use Dunder-Mifflin paper stock for those pamphlets.
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Jul 11, 2022 06:17
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At the office “July Summer Sale-a-bration” organized by Michael in honor of Dwight breaking yet another sales record by signing the Jimsy Corporation for their entire publication run of the EU book tie-ins to Jim Wars (based on Jim’s Jedi Order movie idea that he came up with himself), Jim gets drunk and decides to photocopy his rear end on the Xerox machine. He (already nude except for red tennis shoes) hops entirely up onto the copier and squats down on the glass. The light from the scanner moves eerily back and forth, lighting up his translucent skin and highlighting the dark, purplish veins through his entire body. The disturbing sight puts a huge damper on the party. Strangely enough, each page spat out by the copy machine is somehow a life-sized print out of Jim’s smirking face.
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Jul 11, 2022 06:28
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Four bodies are found at Schrute Farms with no identification. The police and Dwight are baffled. Meanwhile, that night is the premiere of the 2022 reboot of Doug on Disney+. Dwight decides that after the morbid experience of the day, he needs something fun, innocent, and nostalgic to relax to, maybe make it a viewing party with some of his family and friends... The cartoon starts, Doug and Skeeter are sitting in class when a new teacher walks in the door. "Hi, everyone! I'm you're sub for today, Mister Jim! How are you all!?" His hair flopping around, Dwight is the only one to suddenly feel concerned. "I just wanted all you kids to know: I did a reverse Kidd Video and pulled the members of The Beets from your cartoon into the real world. I killed them, there, too. You want to know why? Because Dwight pulls beets from the ground, I put The Beets six feet underground! Well, see you kids, later!" With a cartoonish puff of smoke, Mister Jim vanishes from the classroom in the cartoon. The characters start acting abnormal, and just before the D+ app throws out an error code and sends them back to the main menu, Skeeter says, "hey, where's Patty?" A moment later, Jim announces his presence as he walks out of Dwight's kitchen, holding a mayonnaise jar that he accidentally drops to the floor that breaks with a 'screaming' sound rather than that of shattering glass.
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Jul 11, 2022 07:29
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Jim invites Dwight to the funeral for Jim's Uncle Elmer, saying that he needs someone "mature" to keep things from getting out of control. Out of the kindness of his heart, Dwight agrees to the odd request. At the funeral, everything seems normal at first. Jim's family is mostly quiet and mournful, and even Jim seems unusually mature. Dwight steps up to the casket to pay his respects and is shocked to see his own face looking back at him. "Jeez, I knew Uncle Elmer was ugly, but that car accident REALLY messed him up!" Dwight asks if the funeral is fake, but Jim just mugs at him. Dwight storms out, muttering that it's "ridiculous" Jim set up a fake funeral complete with a wax dummy of Dwight in a casket. In a talking head segment, Jim explains that the funeral actually WAS real, the joke was Jim broke into the funeral home the night before and performed elaborate plastic surgery on his dead Uncle's face to make him look like Dwight. "You know, because Dwight's so ugly!"
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Jul 11, 2022 14:17
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Jim buys the rights to the entire song catalog for Nirvana, enacting draconian measures to ensure no one else can use the songs. He goes so far as to ensure the songs are also removed from already existing pieces of media, lest they have to pay Jim millions of dollars for each use. He does all of this without speaking to Dwight, keeping this prank completely hidden. "Hey Dwight, you're a big superhero fan. Did you see The Batman yet?" Dwight, who has been incredibly busy lately, says that he hasn't Jim recommends the movie, saying that Dwight should watch it immediately as it's one of the best superhero movies he's ever seen. Dwight thanks Jim for his uncharacteristically useful recommendation. At work the next day, Jim is wearing a full Batman costume and asks Dwight what he thinks of the movie. Dwight says that he enjoyed it quite a bit, but he feels like there might have been something missing. Perhaps one piece of music or something, some way to truly tie the themes of the film together a the end of the film. Jim mugs from under the Batman cowl. "Well, Dwight, I guess there was something in the way of it being a perfect film, huh?" Jim launches his grappling hook out the window and flies out, launching broken glass everywhere.
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Jul 11, 2022 16:34
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Realizing he hasn't been getting much positive attention lately, Jim decides to renew his wedding vows to Pam in a big showy display in the middle of the office, where all socializing should happen. Jim and Pam are eating lunch in silence, as they have for the last 6 years, when Jim suddenly releases hundreds of colored balloons. 5 musicians with violins appear and start playing while Jim gets down on one knee. "Pamela Halpert, will you marry me? Again?" Pam looks at Jim, then at the musicians, then back to Jim. "Jim, can we... can we talk about this at home? Alone?" "Sorry, but no! I sold the house to pay for this big show of affection! And I rented us a tiny apartment downtown, you know, like the one you used to have! You know, when everybody loved me!" "Jesus Christ, Jim. I'm taking the kids far away. I wanted to do this for a while, I guess I should thank you for forcing the issue. There's going to be some paperwork coming your way. Please, for all of our sakes, just sign it. Sign it and never contact me again." Pam walks away, leaving Jim standing among hundreds of balloons and a silent circle of musicians. The violinists talk amongst themselves for a moment, then one approaches Jim. "I know this is awkward, but your check bounced. We're going to need the money today, Jim, or else we'll be taking legal action." Jim's mouth is moving, but no words come out. He slowly curls up into the fetal position as balloons start to pop. The musicians take their leave and turn off the break room lights as they exit, leaving Jim to contemplate his life in the darkness of an office breakroom. The cold linoleum is his only comfort. About an hour later, Ryan steps over Jim to grab a cup of coffee. "Wow, Jim, you look like you could really use some help. Here's a link to my new self-help website, WOOHPFH, which will link you with up to a dozen self-help experts. If you use this link you'll also get 25% off your first month." Jim's phone buzzes as Ryan sends him the link.
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Jul 11, 2022 17:04
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Jim makes fun of Dwight’s washboard abs and chiseled jaw. “What- do you spend all day in the gym, Balloon Boy? Just can’t eat a carb or else you’ll balloon up like us regular fatsos?!” Jim lifts his shirt to reveal his ribs outlined sickeningly through his translucent skin stretched over his skeletally thin frame. Dwight shrugs. “I enjoy a pickup game of basketball with Darryl most Thursday nights after work. Lunch is usually a salad with grilled salmon or whatever I had for dinner last night. I just try to stay active, you know, you could play with your kids on weekends, that kind of thing.” Jim, memories of being hunted for sport over a three-day endurance chase on the Isla de Muerta by his children Cici and Phillip the previous weekend, nods. “Sure thing, Dwight. Bet you’d barely be able to finish a 5k, with all those show muscles.” Dwight has already returned to his expense reporting, but grunts noncommittally. Jim smirks at the camera in victory.
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Jul 11, 2022 17:54
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Jim goes to Toby, claiming that he's a "prankaholic" and needs to be treated with respect for his "disease". Toby agrees to this, informing the office that Jim "can no longer be mocked for his addiction". Jim mugs at Dwight, then pulls out a chainsaw and cuts his (Dwight's) desk in half. "I've heard of half in the bag, but half in the desk?" In a talking head segment, Jim can barely contain his glee. "Toby ASSUMED I was addicted to pranks, but I'm not! I'm actually addicted to Prankahol!" Jim pulls out a bottle labelled "PRANKAHOL" and chugs the entire thing, then lets out a loud belch. "Oh yeah, that calms the nerves. Thank you Lord Jesus, I really needed that."
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Jul 11, 2022 18:04
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The Scranton Film Festival is coming up, and Michael offers everyone a day off to work on their movies, viewing it as good advertising for the company. In addition, Dwight's incredible productivity lately has allowed the Scranton Branch to nearly quadruple sales year over year. Everyone gladly takes the time off, although only Dwight and Jim actually plan to submit any films. At the festival, Dwight's movie ("Beets From Space") seems like the obvious winner. A loving homage to 1950s creature features, the movie focuses on alien beets landing on Earth and slowly taking over the citizens of Scranton. The movie is funny, at times heartwarming, and Dwight's special effects are breathtaking at points. The movie seems guaranteed to win, at least until the final film of the night plays. "I am a stranger in a strange land" reads the red font on a black screen as the font slowly turns white and then fades away. The black screen then fades, revealing a field of roses. The next 7 minutes are filled with some of the most beautiful imagery ever captured on film as Jim takes the audience through a journey across time and space and into the depths of the human experience. At the end of the movie, the entire audience stands up and applauds, Dwight included. Jim tugs on Dwight's suit jacket. "Wait til the post-credit scene, buddy. That's what really ties it together." Post credits scene? The credits finish rolling and the scene then shifts to the Dunder Mifflin office. Samuel L Jackson, dressed in his Nick Fury outfit, steps into frame. "Jim, I'm putting together a team. I want your help." Jim mugs for the camera before extending a hand. "Sure thing, but you've gotta let these guys in, too!" Suddenly, a dozen Minions burst from the walls of the office, yelling "Banana!" and pulling down their pants, exposing their buttocks. Jim follows them and does the exact same, mooning the camera. "Oh, and don't forget about the sexiest woman in the galaxy - Ki! You know, from Mars Needs Moms!" The disturbing CGI figure of Ki steps into the room and Jim lets out an "A-woogah!" as she walks past him. Nick Fury smiles and tells them all "Welcome to the team!" as the screen fades to black again. Then additional text appears. JIM, KI, AND THE MINIONS WILL RETURN NEXT YEAR IN JIMVENGERS The audience is silent, unsure of what they've just witnessed. Dwight stands there in silence, having never sat down after his original stand ovation. Jim tugs on his jacket sleeve again. "Wait for the post-post credit scene!" The screen opens again to a scene of Jim and Ki in a bed covered in rose petals. For the next 3 minutes, Jim makes love to the terrifyingly janky CGI model of Ki. All of this is shown in elaborate detail, with sweeping shots of Jim's nude body (except for a pair of tennis shoes) and even an elaborate interior tracking shot of Jim's sperm leaving his testicles and travelling to its intended target. Dwight vomits but can't look away. The scene finishes as it zooms in on Jim's sweaty, panting face. The audience remains silent except for the muffled sound of vomiting. Dwight rushes for the exit, needing to quickly escape the stifling atmosphere of the movie theater. "Wait!" Jim yells at him, "you're going to miss the post-post-post credit scene!" On the screen, Jim mugs at the camera, his face dozens of feet tall.
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Jul 11, 2022 20:17
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| # ? Jun 3, 2024 23:41 |
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NASA has released the new images from the JWST, and Dwight excitedly gathers everyone into the conference room so they can all view this pinnacle of human achievement together, and contemplate what it means about their place in the universe. Dwight opens the first image, and suddenly, everyone begins screaming except for Jim. And they don’t stop. In the center of the image is a clear outline of Jim’s face made out of various galaxies, mugging at the telescope. Jim (the one in the office) bows in reverence for the Cosmic Jim.
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Jul 12, 2022 03:52
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