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HopperUK posted:Oh drat this is very familiar. This is second only to the ADHD-related 'If it were really important to you, you would have remembered' thing for bringing up horrid memories. girl dick energy posted:Big same, though I've already known for some time. Just didn't think to look for a thread. Welcome to my ADHD/ASD buds! This is a good thread. 
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Jul 15, 2022 01:15
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Actually, I do have a question. Usually, when someone says I don't 'seem autistic', it feels like both a victory and a defeat. A victory because I'm getting a good grade in Acting Neurotypical, but a defeat because it's always with this undercurrent of 'you don't match my stereotype of autistic people, maybe you're not actually autistic'. It's very frustrating. Is that... normal's a bad word. Common?
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Jul 15, 2022 01:21
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girl dick energy posted:Actually, I do have a question. Usually, when someone says I don't 'seem autistic', it feels like both a victory and a defeat. A victory because I'm getting a good grade in Acting Neurotypical, but a defeat because it's always with this undercurrent of 'you don't match my stereotype of autistic people, maybe you're not actually autistic'. It's very frustrating. When I realized I was autistic the biggest revelation was just how misinformed I was about autism. Up to that point I hadn't even considered I might be autistic because (at least in the US) the cultural understanding of what that means is way off base. So yeah, I'd say that's a very normal frustration for autistic people when they reveal it to people. Honestly I haven't told anyone but my parents at this point IRL and they both responded by telling me they think they're autistic, so I'm mainly basing this off other people's experiences and my own conjecture. I have been thinking about what people I feel comfortable revealing my autism to and how I'd handle that type of response. Based on my own recent ignorance I'd be inclined to start a discussion with them about the misconceptions surrounding autism and how it is often an invisible condition because of masking. I'd probably also explain that the condition being invisible doesn't mean it's easy.
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Jul 15, 2022 01:29
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girl dick energy posted:Actually, I do have a question. Usually, when someone says I don't 'seem autistic', it feels like both a victory and a defeat. A victory because I'm getting a good grade in Acting Neurotypical, but a defeat because it's always with this undercurrent of 'you don't match my stereotype of autistic people, maybe you're not actually autistic'. It's very frustrating. i just ask if they want me to do 'an autism' for them
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Jul 15, 2022 02:03
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I have an inclination towards rejecting my diagnosis despite being diagnosed by multiple professionals at this point in my life. My Behavioral Health Net: You are autistic. Me: Am I though. MBHN: Yes you have taken multiple tests and every behavioral health professional you have talked to in your adult life agrees. Me: I dunno, sounds fake. MBHN: You did this to help your mother understand your 'deal' better.  Me: I guess I did huh. (FTR: blue is 'me'. Red is 'extremely me')
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Jul 15, 2022 02:43
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girl dick energy posted:Actually, I do have a question. Usually, when someone says I don't 'seem autistic', it feels like both a victory and a defeat. A victory because I'm getting a good grade in Acting Neurotypical, but a defeat because it's always with this undercurrent of 'you don't match my stereotype of autistic people, maybe you're not actually autistic'. It's very frustrating. It's very common for autistic women to not be thought of as autistic. Less so for men, but it happens. I'm not sure how things are for people who are queer or trans. Either way the general understanding of autism is so bad you're better off not thinking too much about it.
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Jul 15, 2022 04:53
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I always thought I wasn't autistic because I wasn't obsessed with trains and license plates. Turns out people can hyperfixate on normie things.
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Jul 15, 2022 05:12
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I haven't been to see a doctor since the last time one told me I couldn't possibly be autistic, but I might be "on the spectrum" I said "Would this spectrum you refer to be the AUTISM spectrum by chance? The one that is defined as a SPECTRUM of PRESENTATIONS of AUTISM?" "...You're very well informed." gently caress. DOCTORS.
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Jul 15, 2022 05:49
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Kesper North posted:I haven't been to see a doctor since the last time one told me I couldn't possibly be autistic, but I might be "on the spectrum"  I half expected the doctor to say "touché".
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Jul 15, 2022 05:50
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TIP posted:
Alas no, but they rolled over completely at that point lol
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Jul 15, 2022 05:52
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Kesper North posted:Alas no, but they rolled over completely at that point lol Wow, those stories don't usually have a happy ending. Nice.
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Jul 15, 2022 05:53
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TIP posted:Wow, those stories don't usually have a happy ending. Nice. I actually fired them as my doctor anyway because I didn't trust them anymore and I didn't want to have a fight every time I needed to show agency. But (happy ending) I went and found a psych who specializes in ADHD and autism comorbidity to get my ADHD meds from and he has been great. I do still need to find a new PCP though, but ughhhhhhh I don't want to go through this agaiiiiiin
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Jul 15, 2022 06:01
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I think I need to work on how to take a compliment. I used to reflexively return the same compliment, but that doesn't really work in every situation and even when it's true it seems fake. Now I try to just say thank you but it's hard for me to not shove in some compliment of my own to balance things out, but I think that also often feels fake and sometimes I feel like it might even be insulting? Like a friend of mine just said "I think you're hilarious" and my response was "Thanks, I always really enjoy talking to you". Later he made a self deprecating comment about his bad jokes and now I feel like he thinks my response was because I don't think he's funny. I'm probably overthinking this (I do that), but I'm curious if any of you have any strategies for taking compliments? One other thing I sometimes catch myself doing is just agreeing with the compliment when it's something I'm really confident about, and I know that's a bad look. 
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Jul 15, 2022 07:04
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TIP posted:I think I need to work on how to take a compliment. I am in this entire post and I don't like it. Mostly I just say "thanks but it was really [gives credit to literally anyone else]"
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Jul 15, 2022 07:08
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All you need to say is "thanks!" really. Or maybe like, "Thanks, that's very nice of you." Ideally with a nice smile to show that you're happy they said something nice to you. You don't need to also compliment them or explain things or deflect. If there's an obvious return compliment to give them then sure no harm in doing that, but yeah in your example it would have been obvious that you were just trying to come up with something to say in return, which just emphasises the fact that you weren't able to compliment them on the same thing.
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Jul 15, 2022 07:16
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Organza Quiz posted:All you need to say is "thanks!" really. Or maybe like, "Thanks, that's very nice of you." Ideally with a nice smile to show that you're happy they said something nice to you. You don't need to also compliment them or explain things or deflect. Well, like I was saying, that's what I'm struggling to do but in some situations it feels... complicated, and halfway through I start second-guessing myself. Like in my example, if it was someone I had just met that night it would be pretty easy for me to just say thanks but when it's someone I've known for a while I start overthinking and second guessing. As I was saying thank you I'm thinking "Should I return the compliment? Is he hilarious too? Can I think of a time he made me laugh? Maybe I should just say "I think you're funny too" but wait, that's a downgrade on what he said, is it gonna sound like I'm saying I'm funnier than him? I do really enjoy talking with him, that's a nice and true thing to say. I guess the solution is probably to train myself to nip that in the bud and just force myself to stick to "thank you that's very nice", but in some situations it just feels so wrong in the moment.
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Jul 15, 2022 07:45
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Also just wanna say I appreciate that this thread is a place where I can ask a question like that and get people saying they relate and offering genuine advice. You're all very nice and having a spot to talk through these types of thoughts is great.
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Jul 15, 2022 07:55
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You could also be like me and accept the compliment with a smile, but really not believe it.
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Jul 15, 2022 07:58
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Say thanks. Take a mental note that X complimented you. Spend time thinking of a good compliment for them. Determine to deliver it the next time you see them no matter what so the balance is right. Pray they don't compliment you again.
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Jul 15, 2022 08:30
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Cast_No_Shadow posted:Say thanks. Oooohh this is much too advanced a move for me. Also I'm really lucky I have an understanding partner because we have literally had a conversation about "Yes I enjoy it when you compliment me, even if I don't really react it's just because I don't know the Correct reaction to it, but I like it and you can keep doing it" which let me tell you really takes the pressure off.
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Jul 15, 2022 09:51
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TIP posted:Also just wanna say I appreciate that this thread is a place where I can ask a question like that and get people saying they relate and offering genuine advice. Same here. How do yous feel when your workplace encourages you to "be yourself"? The idea is that this will increase psychological safety but to me it feels the complete opposite: if I was actually myself experience tells me it would Not Go Well. I can't even bring up this meta-issue because I assume people will infer I'm some kind of bigot who dares not air their terrible opinions in public.
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Jul 15, 2022 09:54
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"Just relax, be yourself." "No, not like that."
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Jul 15, 2022 10:19
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I realized that my issues with compliments is that most of the time, people are complimenting my ability to mask and not me as a person. Which means I mentally right off compliments as "not true." When someone I trust compliments me, it's "easier" for me to hear them but it still takes me breaking it apart in my head and going "did this mean what I think it means?" I'm those cases, I'll ask for clarification (because I trust them enough to know that I'm not fishing for them but am seeking context.)
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Jul 15, 2022 12:16
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My coworkers told me that I’m funny and, by association, cool. I literally have no idea how to take that. I’m not trying to be funny, so that’s startling! I’m pretty sure that’s good for me, but I hope that I’m not entertaining in a way that’s exclusive from “generally competent.” I’m also surprised to hear any positive feedback from people who mostly interact with me via Zoom, where I turn off my camera to fidget around the couch 50% of the time.
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Jul 15, 2022 16:17
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I have a first date tonight, so time to spend all day anxiously overthinking every aspect of it while getting nothing done. And no, it's not with someone from that autistic dating app that only had a couple dozen people on it, so she's probably NT. At what point in dating do you reveal your autism? I feel like that should probably be like a third date thing. Seems too complicated with too many misconceptions to do it on the first date without scaring them off. Of course if she were to say she's autistic I would immediately blurt out "OH GOD ME TOO" and feel fine about it. Edit: I think I previously posted a similar question but it's very much on my mind at the moment. I'd also be interested to hear anyone's thoughts or experiences with dating in general. Personally I loving hate it and wish I could just skip straight to finding someone I connect with. Feels like I always have to go on a hundred first dates before I find someone on my wavelength. TIP fucked around with this message at 21:04 on Jul 15, 2022 |
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Jul 15, 2022 19:57
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My go-to response to compliments is, depending on the situation, either "Thanks, I try", or "Thanks, [slight subject change and/or compliment in return]".
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Jul 15, 2022 22:46
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girl dick energy posted:My go-to response to compliments is, depending on the situation, either "Thanks, I try", or "Thanks, [slight subject change and/or compliment in return]". *Suddenly flashing back to a time someone complimented my dick* "Thanks? I grew it myself."
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Jul 15, 2022 22:59
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Car Hater posted:*Suddenly flashing back to a time someone complimented my dick* Kesper North posted:"thanks but it was really [gives credit to literally anyone else]"
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Jul 15, 2022 23:13
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"Thanks, you made it that way."
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Jul 15, 2022 23:17
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I mean it's a vegetable, right?
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Jul 15, 2022 23:18
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girl dick energy posted:"Thanks, you made it that way." 
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Jul 16, 2022 08:21
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Cast_No_Shadow posted:Say thanks. I hate compliments, so I always forget. This causes issues because "if I cared enough I would remember". It's that phrase that made me realize I might have a bit of ADHD as well as autism and the whole ghastly series of mishaps made more sense.
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Jul 16, 2022 08:59
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How do others here experience being in love with someone, and how often does it happen to you? How do you deal with people who are in love with you, but you're not in love with them?
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Jul 16, 2022 17:04
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Dance Officer posted:How do others here experience being in love with someone, and how often does it happen to you? I have trouble finding people I connect to, but when I do it seems like the connection is almost instant for both of us and I'm very quickly head over heels in love and spending all my free time with them. When that happens I do my best to bite my tongue and keep from blurting out "I love you" too early, although my track record there seems to be good because it's always been reciprocated. As far as people loving me but I don't love them, I did have that happen in a relationship once and it was difficult. She wasn't really my type, I enjoyed spending time with her but I wasn't especially attracted to her and I definitely wasn't head over heels. I was purposely trying to date differently in the hopes that maybe things would go better if I gave things a chance to slowly grow, but then she said "I love you" like a month in and really threw a wrench in the whole thing. I could not bring myself to return the sentiment and it was very awkward as I sat there processing it for way too long before eventually saying something along the lines of "I like you a lot, but I'm not there yet." She cried a lot and was angry and hurt but we continued dating and eventually I gave in to the pressure and said I loved her, thinking "I do like her a lot... maybe I do love her? If I don't I probably will eventually right?" (wrong) Not long after that I realized this was all bad and tried to break up but got emotionally manipulated into staying together. I had the break up talk with her 3 or 4 times before I managed to make it stick. I have since gotten better at recognizing when I'm just not feeling it and I get the gently caress out ASAP. I was very proud of myself for not just saying "ok" when the last woman I dated asked if I wanted to be her boyfriend a month in. When I was younger I definitely would have said yes and had a terrible time with her for like a year despite seeing all the red flags early on.
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Jul 16, 2022 17:38
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Dance Officer posted:How do others here experience being in love with someone, and how often does it happen to you? Probably doesn't help that my peer group at school were toxic wankers who would literally do the 'friends? What are you, gay?' if you tried to be at all nice or positive. Hence I came to university alone at the other end of the country with absolutely no tools whatsoever for starting or maintaining healthy relationships. I have literally never asked other people if they want to do something because I have zero idea if they are going to turn around and react like they don't know me well enough. This was one of the many revelatory moments I had after diagnosis, realising that I'm not a fundamentally unlovable piece of poo poo, I just have a social disability and not being able to read other people properly has caused a fuckton of problems. Knowing why I was bad at it, and why so many things went wrong has been an incredible relief. A few years ago I told my wife that if she left me I'd be devastated, but not shocked or surprised. I know I love her. I have no read on if she loves me, that's not something I can feel. It certainly looks like she does - little gifts, she says she does constantly, we spend almost all of our time together, she's sad / angry in reaction to bad things happening to me. But then I've read a lot of stories on r/relationships or things like that where the person who got dumped thought everything was fine. It's like if you have no sense of smell. You read other people's experience of what smells good. You see them react to things. You know flowers smell nice. But then someone hands you a flower, and you know it should smell nice, and you've read descriptions of how it smells, and how other people react to it, but you just can't smell it. And yet, I have been married for coming up on 10 years this September. I have no doubt that any person other than my wife would have left me by now. She is extraordinarily patient. She herself has said though she's been dumped before for being 'too needy' so maybe we both just have emotional levels of need that are too much for most other people. When we finally got together it was after being acquaintances on the same course, but she'd been in a relationship with someone else at the time. In the 3rd year we were in a smaller group together, and she invited me round hers (we were broke students near the end of term), and while we were talking about how she'd broken up with her last boyfriend and she wasn't sure if she wanted anything new, I just admitted I liked her. I've spent too many years pining over people I've liked or pretending to be friends while gearing up for the 'right' moment to say I'm interested, so I took the soonest moment instead. We didn't fall into each others arms right away, she just seemed surprised, but by the end of the evening we were just curled up on the sofa together. One of the traps I used to fall into with relationships was thinking I have to be a certain way or I'll keep putting people off, or lying about hobbies on dating sites (most of my twenties I had 'going out, quiet pubs / bars' in my profile when I loving hate bars and am not particularly happy with most pubs). But if you can't be yourself around the person you love, you are going to have a miserable life, arguably worse than you would have alone. I know I have the privelage of being married saying that (and also financially stable), but you're going to be spending so much of your life masking at work, or around extended family, or out shopping or whatever. I wouldn't recommend it with the person you're planning on spending your life with. Dance Officer posted:How do you deal with people who are in love with you, but you're not in love with them? I like to think I'm being more honest with people - like when I told my now wife - but I had 38 years of not knowing, and masking is a hell of a habit to shake.
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Jul 16, 2022 19:03
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Middle school was pretty stressful due to that poo poo "Oy she likes you, you like her too right?" 'Um. Am I supposed to? I guess... maybe' Omg u jerk 
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Jul 16, 2022 19:52
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FilthyImp posted:Middle school was pretty stressful due to that poo poo This reminds me that in school there were a few girls I had no interest in who were way too interested in me. I did not handle it gracefully, my avoidant tendencies came out and I literally ran away and hid from them. They generally didn't take the hint so it would go on for months. In high school I managed to only ask out girls that had no interest in me while missing obvious signs of interest from some that I had crushes on. There was one girl I was infatuated with who started sitting next to me on the school bus every day. After a couple weeks of our daily chats she told me I was cute and my internal reaction was "wow, she's really friendly".  Before learning more about autism I thought I was just an idiot.
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Jul 16, 2022 20:11
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I look back at High School and wonder if no girls were interested in me or if they were and I wasn't picking up on it. I think I made a few key mistakes looking back. I was a mess. And even if I realized that girls liked me at the time the chances of me punting any chance of a relationship approached 100%. On one hand I don't think any of the people I went to high school went would have worked with me anyway. This was well before you could just be a turbogeek, especially girls. OTOH it was the only time in my life when romantic entanglements didn't revolve around one's ability to adult. ChrisBTY fucked around with this message at 21:05 on Jul 16, 2022 |
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Jul 16, 2022 21:02
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I missed genuine interest from people in high school, shut down people who I thought were going too fast, ended up in a relationship with an extremely ND person who I clicked well with, finally felt like there was someone from the same planet as me (while everyone else thought I was crazy because couldn’t I see there was obviously something wrong with them!) - alas that common factor was not enough for a lasting thing. We were both dysfunctional in similar ways which led to disaster, my current partner of 25+ years has complementary strengths and weaknesses which has led to things working a lot better. I can’t see myself bothering to look for someone else if anything happens, my current partner and I have really moulded ourselves to each other and I don’t think I’m malleable enough any more to do that with someone else. Not that I mean either of us are masking or changed from our true selves, I more mean that level of comfort and trust is going to be very hard to find or to rebuild with someone else.
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Jul 16, 2022 21:11
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After enough misses and false starts I went from being oblivious of interest to terrified of it. Like "Oh Joy! This person that I was happy to idealize and avoid from a distance actually sees me and has expectations of me! Expectations I won't be able to meet! Time to run the gently caress away!"
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Jul 16, 2022 23:38
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