|
Car Hater posted:After enough misses and false starts I went from being oblivious of interest to terrified of it. Like "Oh Joy! This person that I was happy to idealize and avoid from a distance actually sees me and has expectations of me! Expectations I won't be able to meet! Time to run the gently caress away!" Same. I'm like do you know WTF you're getting into?
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 00:58
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 3, 2024 13:58 |
|
|
Dance Officer posted:How do others here experience being in love with someone, and how often does it happen to you? I'm in ~love for the first time~ now. I have very low motivation to date or be in a relationship and I'm incredibly picky as a result (dating has to compete with how good my life is generally and how little free time I feel I have) so I mostly hadn't bothered until now, was really considering myself somewhere close to aromantic. Took me a year to suggest a date to my partner even though I knew he liked me because I was so in my own head about it (although that was more an ugh I'm mostly only into girls do I want to date a guy thing). Anyway I realised it was going a good direction when I didn't resent spending more and more of my free time on this guy and in fact wanted to do that, and the feeling that can be described as "love" is so big it's like a physical sensation in my chest. I was worried I'd have trouble identifying it but no it was pretty easy in the end to be like ah yes this must be it. Now actually saying it out loud, that's a different story, but I'm getting better at saying it in text at least.
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 01:16
|
|
|
Honestly I love being in a relationship and I get great satisfaction out of doing things for my partner and keeping them happy. I think it genuinely makes me a better person and it's easier for me to stay on top of my responsibilities when my actions affect someone else. As long as they're supportive and understanding about my unique needs I'm more emotionally stable and happy than I am on my own. I just absolutely hate the process of dating, especially now that most dating app profiles consist of 3 pictures and two sentences if you're lucky. It's impossible to get any sense of the person so I'm reduced to choosing based on "I find her attractive and she doesn't appear to be a nazi or someone who believes in magic". When I do match with someone I'm immediately thinking "Do I have it in me to come up with a good first message AND THEN make it through the small talk AND THEN go through the whole dance of figuring out a place and a date and a time AND THEN go on this date where there's a 98% chance we won't connect at all?" It's loving exhausting. Wish there was some way to skip straight to meeting someone who's perfect for me. Once I'm actually on a date with the right person it's so easy.
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 01:30
|
|
|
I'm asexual but I do experience romantic love. I've been with my boyfriend for a long time now but we're long-distance and though I miss him (especially since loving covid dropped a brick on travel) it works pretty well for us. He's always there to support me, and me him. We're very good friends as well as romantic partners. It's hard to describe though.
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 01:55
|
|
|
TIP posted:Honestly I love being in a relationship and I get great satisfaction out of doing things for my partner and keeping them happy. I think it genuinely makes me a better person and it's easier for me to stay on top of my responsibilities when my actions affect someone else. As long as they're supportive and understanding about my unique needs I'm more emotionally stable and happy than I am on my own. I feel you buddy. In fact on bumble I put LGBTQ+ ally and black lives matter tags on my profile to say "gently caress off CHUDs". But dating is hard and confusing and I'm not sure if I'm long term relationship material for physical disability reasons as well. I just want someone who will hug me when I'm sad. Fictional characters can't do that yet.
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 05:51
|
|
|
I think falling in love is something that my brain does different from others. It seems to take a conscious effort, or maybe I block it until I want it to happen? A social worker at school once told me and a couple of other gifted children that we thought too much with our brains instead of our hearts, which probably sums me up better than she thought. So far, when I have learned someone was interested in me, I have always carefully thought things through in my head before developing feelings. Movies and books tell me this is not how it's supposed to work, but that's how it's always been. Seeing how this was a key part in preventing me from even starting two relationships that I am certain would have been terrible ideas, I don't see anything wrong with it. For example, I was in my early twenties and there was this guy in his mid-thirties. I felt flattered that someone that much further ahead in life would actually be interested in me, but thinking it through got me to realizing that I wasn't comfortable with the power dynamic, and that by the time I was in my mid-thirties, I wanted to be far enough ahead in life that I wouldn't be interested in twenty-somethings, so maybe he wasn't actually as mature as he seemed. Currently being 35, I can confirm that. Feelings never entered the discussion at any point during this. With my husband, when I was told he was interested in me, I thought things through and decided it seemed like a good idea. Saying it like that sounds terribly cold, but it's the truth. I developed feelings for him after deciding to do so, and we eventually got together. I still think that his feelings for me are different from mine, but I think it's more of a question of intensity? As in, I love him in a calmer way? Like, this: Organza Quiz posted:the feeling that can be described as "love" is so big it's like a physical sensation in my chest. I was worried I'd have trouble identifying it but no it was pretty easy in the end to be like ah yes this must be it. is not something I have ever experienced, but I would still say that I love my husband. In the end, that seems to be how I work, and we're both fine with it, so that's all that matters. Fun thing is, he was worried in the beginning that I was missing out on something because I hadn't dated anybody before. This made absolutely no sense to me, because if finding a long-term partner was my main goal, why would I complain about finding someone I clicked with on the first try? Was I supposed to test out more people just to make absolutely sure there wasn't any better option? I didn't plan on marrying the first person I dated, but I see no problem with it either.
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 08:21
|
|
|
Violet_Sky posted:I feel you buddy. In fact on bumble I put LGBTQ+ ally and black lives matter tags on my profile to say "gently caress off CHUDs". But dating is hard and confusing and I'm not sure if I'm long term relationship material for physical disability reasons as well. I just want someone who will hug me when I'm sad. Fictional characters can't do that yet. Yeah, I purposely put in as much stuff to scare em off as I can and I also only swipe right on people who list their politics. Have managed to avoid dating a nazi but I have dated some more subtly terrible people. I really hope you find what you're looking for. I don't know your specific struggles but I've seen people with all kinds of disabilities and issues find love. Even if you find that actively pursuing it is too much for you right now that doesn't mean you have to close your heart to the possibility. I have rewritten that a ridiculous number of times trying to get it right and I still don't like it, sounds I dunno, too opinionated? It's hard to verbalize exactly what I don't like about it, last draft sounded like I was trying to tell you what to do... It's honestly made me half an hour late to bed and I almost just deleted the whole thing but I stopped myself because I really do want to leave you a nice supportive message. So I'm sorry but you're just gonna have to take this one as is. 
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 09:32
|
|
|
I'm relieved to read that I'm not the only one who experiences love differently. I'm in my early 30s and I can't say I've ever felt in love. I've wanted to kiss and have sex with people, and it always felt right when it happened, so I know I can be attracted to someone. I've just never thought or fantasized about them outside of being with them, never daydreamed about them, never thought they were unique in some way, always saw some deep flaws in them, etc.
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 10:07
|
|
|
TIP posted:Yeah, I purposely put in as much stuff to scare em off as I can and I also only swipe right on people who list their politics. Have managed to avoid dating a nazi but I have dated some more subtly terrible people. Yeah thats cool. I got what you were saying. It's just that I agree with you about having to go through this song and dance when pretty much nothing will happen. As pathetic as it sounds, I find myself ""attracted"" (in a VERY loose way) to fictional characters because they're not as complex socially as people IRL. Their motivations and likes and dislikes are right there without the need for social bullshit. (No I don't have a pillow for a husbando or anything cringe like that. This seems to be one of those things that only ND people will get.)
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 23:15
|
|
|
Violet_Sky posted:Yeah thats cool. I got what you were saying. It's just that I agree with you about having to go through this song and dance when pretty much nothing will happen. As pathetic as it sounds, I find myself ""attracted"" (in a VERY loose way) to fictional characters because they're not as complex socially as people IRL. Their motivations and likes and dislikes are right there without the need for social bullshit. (No I don't have a pillow for a husbando or anything cringe like that. This seems to be one of those things that only ND people will get.) I definitely understand and I don't think it sounds pathetic, I've had character crushes along with crushes on people I only know through things like podcasts. Not sure if that's exclusive to the ND though, feel like I've heard many people talk about falling for characters in shows (although I guess they might have been autistic).
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 23:33
|
|
|
There's nothing particularly weird in just finding a fictional character attractive. I mean, they're built to be attractive in some ways, to make you want to watch them, and often played by hot people. It's just that it can go to really weird places if you get too wrapped up in it. A bit like crushing on a real person you don't know very well, I suppose. Like there's a gap between 'oh, cute coffee shop guy, yay, I like to see him' and 'stalker'.
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2022 23:55
|
|
|
HopperUK posted:There's nothing particularly weird in just finding a fictional character attractive. I mean, they're built to be attractive in some ways, to make you want to watch them, and often played by hot people. It's just that it can go to really weird places if you get too wrapped up in it. A bit like crushing on a real person you don't know very well, I suppose. Like there's a gap between 'oh, cute coffee shop guy, yay, I like to see him' and 'stalker'. I mean there's also a pretty big gap between daydreaming about marrying the coffee shop guy and stalking him. As long as you aren't acting out in bad ways I think it's all pretty harmless.
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 00:00
|
|
|
Even neurotypical people fall in love with the image of other people they hold in their heads - their idealization of that person - all the time. We are all, NT and ND alike, often operating on imperfect information regarding the people we love, and our emotions may outrun our knowledge.
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 00:09
|
|
|
I'm aromantic and asexual, so that means I'm usually the "rational" advice giver to my alloromantic friends. I just have a hard time figuring our what "romantic" actually means outside of socially-decided hierarchies/behaviors regarding intimacy (you know, since behavior =/= attraction.) I care for people deeply but not to where a relationship is worth the romantic label. However, I do like the idea of committed partnership but you can see how the aromanticism would make that hard for me.
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 01:20
|
|
|
I'm 42 and have never fallen in reciprocal love and thanks to age/medication I don't think I'll ever be able to summon the serotonin/dopamine to do so. This kinda causes me to make the jump from FOMO to ROMO (Rage Over Missing Out). Thinking about it too much makes me want to tear a hole in the fabric of reality and let the unreal ones in. (this is a literary device not a belief system just so we're clear).
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 15:22
|
|
|
ChrisBTY posted:Thinking about it too much makes me want to tear a hole in the fabric of reality and let the unreal ones in. (this is a literary device not a belief system just so we're clear). I've always want to date an incubus so could you send any my way?
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 17:14
|
|
|
ChrisBTY posted:I'm 42 and have never fallen in reciprocal love and thanks to age/medication I don't think I'll ever be able to summon the serotonin/dopamine to do so. Yeah...yeah. This is where I'm headed too, the last time I was dating I "knew" it was my last chance before my dad died and my life got turned upside down. Now that all happened and it's a couple years later I just don't feel anything romantic/sexual other than Fear/Regret Over Missing Out. I assume I'm not alone either in finding therapy too hard to relate to? Like telling me I need to love myself when I'm pretty sure it's impossible to have feelings about yourself internally like that. Great times
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 17:41
|
|
|
I don’t know that that feeling is universal; I’ve always been my own best friend which I think has shielded me a bit from feelings of rejection and not belonging and being different. I just didn’t care if I got shunned by peers because I enjoy my own company and I know I’m a good person. I don’t know how not to “love” myself, I feel really bad for people who don’t have that solid base core feeling because it has got me through a lot of really difficult times. I honestly don’t know if that is even what a therapist would mean by “love yourself” though, I’m certainly not in any kind of romantic relationship with myself. I don’t bother with my appearance or what I wear, I just like existing and I can’t do that without me, if that makes sense?
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 19:21
|
|
|
Hrm. Imagine the opposite - all my life I've wanted to stop thinking and be "normal", it took me a long time to realize that I just don't innately enjoy it? ASD/ADHD/anhedonia is a poo poo hand in a lot of ways, and I've long described it along the lines of "imagine you were given a flying carpet that only works if you DON'T think about a pink elephant." I can only be content when I'm fully engaged and in the zone, where my personhood ceases to be a concern and only a task exists
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 19:41
|
|
|
Anhedonia must be pretty tough! I struggle a lot with executive function, I do a lot more nothing than I intend to, but I don’t really ever feel bad about it. I have noticed sometimes I can plan something, get everything done, put a lot of effort in and have a total success but at the end I don’t really get any sense of achievement or satisfaction. Is anhedonia something like that? My mood overall is pretty good so it doesn’t really bother me when it happens but I do feel like something is missing sometimes.
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 20:03
|
|
|
Yup that sounds real drat familiar. I succeed at something: ok then. I fail at something: destroys the earth with a shockwave of pure anger and self-loathing
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 20:15
|
|
|
ChrisBTY posted:Yup that sounds real drat familiar. When I'm trying to do something that's very difficult people reassure my by saying, "I know you can do this!" when what I really need to hear is, "It's ok if you can't do this!"
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2022 20:25
|
|
|
TIP posted:"My last girlfriend offered to give me a tour of her apartment on our second date and after I politely walked around her apartment with her" I imagined the two of you holding hands and walking around the apartment building as she slowly looses her paitence. Once i got a booty call amd she amswered the door in her underwear. Later she had to say "when a girl...." I have a really hard time doing the things that let people know you love them when youre in a relationship. I grasp the idea of it but some step in the process of knowing a thing and doing an appropriate thing about it just doesn't connect. I'll know about a haircut appointment, i will see and notice the haircut, but it almost always take a head waggle before i remember the part where you say a thing about it. Is that executive disfucntion? for fucks sake posted:How do yous feel when your workplace encourages you to "be yourself"? Purely my own experience here but this is a trap.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 02:26
|
|
|
My problem is I don't know when I'm in a relationship. In public school it used to be slightly easier because holding hands/kissing meant you were a couple. Now it's a lot more complicated. I almost have to ask but I don't want to look like a complete idiot.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 02:30
|
|
|
Violet_Sky posted:My problem is I don't know when I'm in a relationship. In public school it used to be slightly easier because holding hands/kissing meant you were a couple. Now it's a lot more complicated. I almost have to ask but I don't want to look like a complete idiot. You won't look like an idiot. Honestly dating is finally catching up to the autistic community. Now it's generally assumed you aren't in an exclusive relationship unless you literally ask the person, "Would you like this to be exclusive?" and they say "Yes." And it's starting to be agreed that it's a good thing to ask for verbal consent before making any kind of new physical contact with the person. So it's finally ok to say, "Can I kiss you?" and people will think "I appreciate that they care about consent!" instead of "Why doesn't this weirdo just understand my non-verbal cues that are saying to kiss me?" This is all great news for me.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 02:38
|
|
|
One positive of realizing I'm autistic: I've stopped fighting my stims. I've spent years trying to stop them, feeling like I was going crazy every time I started doing some weird thing even when I was totally alone. Now that I understand the impulse I realize how good they are. I spent all day on a very chaotic film set and after a few hours of sensory overload it was really wearing me down, then I realized I should stim! Just quietly patting my leg really helped me calm my brain.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 02:46
|
|
|
DiHK posted:I imagined the two of you holding hands and walking around the apartment building as she slowly looses her paitence. Executive dysfunction, from my layperson's understanding, is the inability to plan a task and then execute the steps of it. Like - before I was medicated for ADHD, I would think to myself 'well, I sure do need to get up and use the bathroom' and then just like, not do it. And not really know why. It's like my starter motor wouldn't turn over.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 03:46
|
|
|
Yeah I think the belated "oh wait oops I should have done the outward expression thing instead of just internally thinking a thing" is just like general autism. Executive dysfunction is knowing that you want to do the thing and you should do the thing but just not being able to make yourself do the thing.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 04:35
|
|
|
When people say “be yourself”, what they mean is “remove one layer of politeness and formality.”
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 05:38
|
|
|
TIP posted:One positive of realizing I'm autistic: I've stopped fighting my stims. My stims tend to be verbal. I'm having a stressful day at work and I'll bust out with some silly repetitive non-sequitur ("nana nana nana nana BATMAN") and that immediately seems to calm me just a little, if only because I can giggle at how dumb I'm acting.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 06:46
|
|
|
imperiusdamian posted:My stims tend to be verbal. I'm having a stressful day at work and I'll bust out with some silly repetitive non-sequitur ("nana nana nana nana BATMAN") and that immediately seems to calm me just a little, if only because I can giggle at how dumb I'm acting. I'm right there with you, my urge to blurt out nonsense was honestly the thing that made me feel the most crazy. Not really an option on a film set though, so having some quiet hand stims is good (especially since I was running sound ).
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 06:54
|
|
|
Speaking of blurting out nonsense, the latest entry in my "list of fictional characters you now realise are probably on the spectrum" is Roger Irrelevant from the Viz.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 07:04
|
|
|
for fucks sake posted:Speaking of blurting out nonsense, the latest entry in my "list of fictional characters you now realise are probably on the spectrum" is Roger Irrelevant from the Viz. I watched Nathan Fielder's new show The Rehearsal and started wondering if he's autistic. The mildly fictionalized version of himself that he plays has always been somewhere in that arena but this show is some purestrain autism. The whole concept of the show is that he hires actors and builds elaborate recreations of actual places in order to simulate social interactions over and over to completely plan out every way that an unpredictable situation might go. It's pretty brilliant, I really enjoyed it. The only thing I could find where he addresses the possibility of autism is this interview: How The Cult Comedian Rules the Outer Limits of Awkward He denies autism here: Fielder researched Asperger’s syndrome while fine-tuning his TV persona, but he rejects any suggestion his character is on the spectrum. “There’s a lot of social disconnects that people experience all the time that have nothing to do with autism or anything,” he says. When I ask if he’s ever wondered whether he has a developmental disorder, he’s genuinely horrified. “Please don’t tell me this is the angle of your piece,” he says. But the rest of the article has me half-convinced that he just doesn't recognize his own autism in much the same way I didn't for so long. So many signs. Here's the bits that stood out to me: When a server comes to take our order, he looks genuinely panicked when I ask for a turkey sandwich. “Will you be offended if I get a breakfast thing?” he asks with unblinking, stone-faced sincerity. “Should I match you?” He eventually felt comfortable enough to go for oatmeal, but the question of just how weird this guy really is – and how much his TV persona matches his real self – lingers. “There’s only about a 10 percent difference between the Nathan on the show and real-life Nathan,” says Nathan for You co-creator Michael Koman. “The character is just an amplified version of him. He’s awkward socially. Most people in comedy are awkward socially. But he’s a guy with a very solid, wonderful group of friends, who is a loyal, ethical person. He’s a very sweet man, and he’s very concerned with your well-being.” “The scariest thing about the show is that [character] is Nathan,” says Tim Gilbert, Fielder’s college roommate and a fellow comedian. “It’s not super-put-on.” [...] Fielder has long said his TV character is based on his teenage self. Back then, the harder he tried to be cool, the worse things seemed to get. “For a time, I tried to emulate more confident friends,” he says, “even wearing a backward baseball cap.” In high school, he joined the improv team, where he grew closer to Rogen. “To the untrained eye, you would not understand he had a sense of humor,” says Rogen. “You would maybe just think he was weird. I started to realize that it was partially deliberate, how weird he was. It’s your classic case of taking ownership of the thing that could be your worst trait.” [...] “When we were 22-year-old stand-up-comedian degenerates, wanting to do sets and then get drunk, Nathan would be home editing [his own] videos, learning Final Cut,” Gilbert says. I'm not trying to remote diagnose him, but all of that feels extremely familiar, like you wouldn't have to change much for that to be my life story (unfortunately I'm not lifelong friends with Seth Rogen though).
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 07:26
|
|
|
TIP posted:Fielder researched Asperger’s syndrome while fine-tuning his TV persona, but he rejects any suggestion his character is on the spectrum. “There’s a lot of social disconnects that people experience all the time that have nothing to do with autism or anything,” he says. When I ask if he’s ever wondered whether he has a developmental disorder, he’s genuinely horrified. “Please don’t tell me this is the angle of your piece,” he says. It's like when you ask someone if they're gay and they say "eww, no," there's not really any way to spin that as being progressive toward LGBT identity.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 07:40
|
|
|
I mean, he could also be horrified because he doesn't want a random journalist giving him an armchair diagnosis based on a brief meeting and pontificating about it for a whole article. That would be extremely reasonable
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 07:45
|
|
i like nice words
|
Bobby Deluxe posted:This really reads as internalised ableism and denial. The classic "Oh that's an autism trait? Well it can't be because I do it all the time and I'm not autistic" gambit. He sees developmental disorders negatively, that's why he reacts with horror (or at the very least discomfort which the interviewer chose to represent as horror) when asked. I don't think anything he actually said was ableist, it just reads pretty harshly with the author describing him as horrified. I think if I was in the same situation before I had figured things out I probably would have needed a moment to process everything and then responded in a fairly similar way, and NT people tend to interpret that as some big emotional reaction and not what it actually is. The general understanding of autism is so narrow and wrong that it's easy to convince yourself there's no way you're autistic, especially if you've made it that far in life without a diagnosis. I spent most of my life being way off base about both autistic and allistic people. Anne Whateley posted:I mean, he could also be horrified because he doesn't want a random journalist giving him an armchair diagnosis based on a brief meeting and pontificating about it for a whole article. That would be extremely reasonable This also makes sense to me.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 08:12
|
|
|
imperiusdamian posted:My stims tend to be verbal. I'm having a stressful day at work and I'll bust out with some silly repetitive non-sequitur ("nana nana nana nana BATMAN") and that immediately seems to calm me just a little, if only because I can giggle at how dumb I'm acting. Yeah, same here. Usually I just replay certain phrases in my head, but every now and then I find myself verbalizing them. I used to think it was just a variant of an ear worm, even though it's not always musical, nor have I physically ever heard them from anywhere but myself. It wasn't until I ended up in an unexpectedly stressful situation and then right afterwards noticed myself mentally and verbally cycling through all those phrases rapid-fire for a few minutes that I realized "hold on, that seems like it's a stim".
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 09:15
|
|
|
My current favourite 'this character seems to be on the spectrum' is Nandor from What We Do in the Shadows. And Laszlo is ADHD as gently caress. It is very charming to me. I aspire to that level of giving no headspace to things that drag me down. 'Stopped fighting stims' is a big benefit of the ADHD diagnosis and the ASD self-diagnosis for sure. I used to think of it as all 'fidgeting' and something I should try not to do. Now I'm amassing a collection of fidget toys and things I can safely chew on and everything feels a lot easier.
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 12:35
|
|
|
"Armchair diagnoses fictional characters as autistic" is such an autistic trait it should be in the DSM
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 16:15
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 3, 2024 13:58 |
|
|
Pththya-lyi posted:"Armchair diagnoses fictional characters as autistic" is such an autistic trait it should be in the DSM sloan sabith from the newsroom anyone?
|
|
#
?
Jul 19, 2022 17:25
|
|
