|
Jim calls an immediate meeting in the conference room for a vaudeville act. Once everyone has assembled, he soft-shoe dances out to the front of the room with a ventriloquist dummy. Although his mouth is clearly moving, Jim apparently thinks that he's fooling everyone as he argues with the dummy (which looks exactly like a Tiny (wooden) Jim, its face carved into a perpetual smirk and its lifelike, extra-floppy hair waving as it animatedly bobs its head) about who is uglier, Dwight or a dead raccoon. "I'm telling you, Jimmy, it's the raccoon! He's rotting in the sun for days!" says Jim, with a smile. Jim then, apparently without trying to conceal that he is also talking for the dummy, Jimmy, replies, "No way, dummy! Dwight is the one whose big moon-face and stupid glasses make him look stupid! But he's smarter than you, at least!" Jim acts offended, "Hey, there! Whoa! There's no way that Dwight is smarter than me!" The dummy continues, "He owns a farm, this building, and is the most successful salesman at the company! He contributes his time to the soup kitchen, the orphanage, and the hospital! His fund-raising campaign built a woman's shelter downtown! Meanwhile, you live alone in your parent's house held up by a structural clown poster, sleeping in a racecar bed where you can't sleep unless bathed in the glow of Mars Needs Moms!" Jim starts to look upset, but he also continues speaking as though he were the dummy, Jimmy: "And your wife left you! Your kids don't respect you! You've blown the Halpert Inheritance entirely on stupid pranks! And what do you have to show for it? Everyone hates you. You know what a pathetic fool you are. It's time you admit it." Jim, crushed, sinks back into a chair as his legs give out. His lip is quivering and his arm with Jimmy falls to the ground. Finally, with tears beginning to fall from his eyes, Jim shakily stands and walks out of the room without another word. Everyone else has sat silently waiting this display. It isn't clear if this is a prank or not.
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 14:42
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 5, 2024 00:16 |
|
|
Jim offers to "align Dwight's spine", saying that he's become a fully-trained chiropractor. Dwight doubts this, saying that it's definitely a prank setup and that Jim just faked the credentials. In response, Jim gets in contact with several of his teachers, fellow chiropractors, and shows Dwight all of the official paperwork that makes him a chiropractor. "Now then, will you PLEASE let me align your spine? Even if it's just a placebo like you believe, I bet it'll feel really good!" Dwight cautiously agrees. Jim places his clammy hands on Dwight's jaw and then violently twists, instantly snapping Dwight's neck and killing him. "I've heard of a pain in the neck, but this is ridiculous!" Jim mugs for the camera, then pauses. "Also, I just need to clarify, I AM a fully licensed chiropractor. I passed all of the tests. In fact, I'm considered one of the best chiropractors in all of Eastern Pennsylvania. At least I'm not trying to sell Angela some crystals or supplements or some poo poo, right? I just killed her husband!" Jim mugs for the camera again.
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 17:52
|
|
|
Jim latches his hands around Dwight's windpipe, squeezing with every bit of manic strength he can muster. Everyone is too startled to intervene as Dwight's face turns red and he starts convulsing. Jim screams, every vein on his face and arms popping from the strain. "It's just a prank man! Just a harmless prank!" Michael watches from his office, trying to decide what to do as Dwight's bladder releases.
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 18:29
|
|
|
Jim walks into the office and shoots Dwight square between the eyes with a .357 revolver. Jim turns and mugs the camera, taking a few minutes to think of a gun related quip since he got up late and didn't game this out beforehand. Michael takes notice of this and stealthy looks at his watch. After 3 full minutes have passed, he clears his throat. "Uh Jim? You didn't say this was a prank". Jim looks horrified as he realizes his mistake. Pam starts screaming that Jim murdered Dwight, while Oscar moves quickly to disarm a stunned Jim. Michael is crying as he calls the police. " Finally. Finally it's over".
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 18:38
|
|
|
Jim walks into the office and shoots Dwight square between the eyes with a .357 revolver. Jim turns and mugs the camera, taking a few minutes to think of a gun related quip since he got up late and didn't game this out beforehand. The craven and feckless Michael Scott, dressed in his "I'm with her" T-Shirt takes notice of this and stealthy looks at his watch. After 3 full minutes have passed, he, the craven and feckless Michael Scott, writes a passive aggressive tweet. Decorum prevents him, the craven and feckless Michael Scott, from taking any further action. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 18:47 on Aug 5, 2022 |
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 18:45
|
|
|
Jim steals a Snickers from Dwight's desk, then greedily devours it. After he finishes it, he gets a bewildered look on his face. "Oh my god. The commercials have been right the whole time. I really wasn't myself, I've just been hungry for a Snickers. My god, the damage I've done, the people I've hurt. Dwight, please forgive me, I've been a monster. From this moment on, I vow to do everything I can to make up for the years of sick, twisted pranks." Dwight accepts this apology and shakes Jim's hand. Jim doesn't let go, and a wicked grin grows on his face. "Except, it turns out I LIKE being a little sick and twisted. To the extreme!" A wicked guitar solo echoes across the office as Twisted Jim flips Dwight over his head with a badass judo throw. Twisted Jim then pulls out a candy bar from his pocket and unwraps it before taking a bite. "Badass Bars, from the makers of Black Rifle Coffee! For when you're not your normal, lib-owning, twisted badass self." Jim appears to have a hard time swallowing the candy bar, but eventually chokes it down and makes sure to show the label to the camera while mugging, extremely.
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 18:46
|
|
|
The assassination of Jim by the coward Michael Scott.
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 19:11
|
|
|
The assassination of Dwight Schrute by the
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 19:27
|
|
|
Jim convinces Elon to buy Nintendo. From that point on, every game features Wario and Waluigi, and the company motto becomes "Greed is good." The next Zelda game is canceled after development goes far over budget due to Musk demanding a child rescuing submarine mini game be added to the water temple.
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 19:42
|
|
|
Jim tortures Dwight to death over a horrific 32 hour period using a car battery, electrodes, pliers and bolt cutters. Michael, craven and feckless and dressed in an “I’m with Her” T-shirt, strongly considers firing Jim, but settles for instead putting a comment in Jim’s HR profile (which Jim is able to negotiate down to a reference about “Jim’s lighthearted nature” instead of a full censure).
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 20:04
|
|
|
Jim washes up on the beach like a piece of driftwood. Dwight and The Office ride up in fun beach jeeps. Just another prank! They ride away to play beachball volleyball. Jim had been missing for weeks, underwater on a quest for Fool's Gold Dubloons, the famous lost treasure of Cortez. But he found them. He belches up seawater. He Found Them.
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 20:30
|
|
|
Jim buys an "I Heart Boobies" wristband and gives women a dollar "for breast cancer" if they will expose their breasts. He falls down, sweating and narcoleptic, face first onto a desk.
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 20:33
|
|
|
Jim lobotomizes himself so his frontal cortex does not get in the way of his "severe pranking talent." But it changes him. He just isn't Jim any more.
|
|
#
?
Aug 5, 2022 20:35
|
|
|
There once was a shepherd Dwight who was bored as he sat on the hillside watching the village sheep. To amuse himself he took a great breath and sang out, "Jim! Jim! The Jim is pranking the sheep!" The villagers came running up the hill to help the boy drive the Jim away. But when they arrived at the top of the hill, they found no Jim. The Dwight laughed at the sight of their angry faces. "Don't cry 'Jim', shepherd Dwight," said the villagers, "when there's no Jim!" They went grumbling back down the hill. Later, the Dwight sang out again, "Jim! Jim! The Jim is pranking the sheep!" To his naughty delight, he watched the villagers run up the hill to help him drive the Jim away. When the villagers saw no Jim they sternly said, "Save your frightened song for when there is really something wrong! Don't cry 'Jim' when there is NO Jim!" But the Dwight just mugged and watched them go grumbling down the hill once more. Later, he saw a REAL Jim prowling about his flock. Alarmed, he leaped to his feet and sang out as loudly as he could, "Jim! Jim!" But the villagers thought he was trying to fool them again, and so they didn't come. At sunset, everyone wondered why the shepherd Dwight hadn't returned to the village with their sheep. They went up the hill to find the Dwight. They found him weeping. "There really was a Jim here! The flock has scattered! I cried out, "Jim!" Why didn't you come?" An old man tried to comfort the Dwight as they walked back to the village. "We'll help you look for the lost sheep in the morning," he said, putting his arm around the youth, "Nobody believes a liar...even when he is telling the truth!"
|
|
#
?
Aug 6, 2022 07:04
|
|
|
JIm feels absolutely sick to his stomach as he watches the entertainment news that night. He thinks he might have gone too far this time... He'd sent the major movie studios a bunch of headshots of Dwight as "Balloon Boy", part of a larger prank to humiliate Dwight, but something horrible happened, instead. All the studios were delighted in this puckish prankster who'd try to pull off such a stunt. Immediately, he found himself besieged by casting directors wanting to screen test him and 8-figure film offers. He realized only too late that the contracts he signed were not on clown paper, thus legally binding to the rest of society. "Cosmic Jim," he would quietly call out. "Why have you forpranken me? Jim takes a long look at the television, seeing himself mugging back through the screen with a caption below his picture: WB ANNOUNCES PLASTIC MAN CASTING He was in the DCEU, now. "It should have been Dwight..." Jim mutters to himself. "It should have been Dwight..."
|
|
#
?
Aug 6, 2022 07:55
|
|
|
Jim escapes from the Warner Brothers water tower and harasses Dwight.
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 01:31
|
|
|
Dwight calls up Jim on the phone and leaves a message on his machine. "I guess you heard my debut in the Batgirl movie isn't going to happen now. Probably for the best because, wow, that movie... Anyway, to make up for it that agent got me small part in some A24 thing with Cronenberg. Anyway, Jim, I just wanted to congratulate you! I just heard the announcement you're going to be the main villain in the next Fantastic Beasts movie. Talk to you later!"
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 06:49
|
|
|
Jim comes into work and doesn't prank anyone. He can't tell why, he just doesn't feel like it lately. He just does his work and sighs.
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 18:47
|
|
|
Jim shows up surly and already drunk to Roy and Pam’s wedding. At the reception he starts drinking heavily from the open bar and staring daggers at Roy. He requests “You Belong with Me” and “Jesse’s Girl” with the DJ and then tries to wrestle the mic over to make an “important announcement about the biggest mistake of your life”, but is denied. He then asks that the DJ plays Take This Longing by Leonard Cohen, awkwardly (and unsuccessfully) hits on a bridesmaid (Pam’s high school friend), and leaves without saying goodbye. “Got Dwight real good that time,” says a red faced, bleary eyed Jim to the camera.
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 19:13
|
|
|
Jim is so depressed he can't keep his eyes open while driving. He veers onto the siewalk hitting mailboxes, dogs, pedestirans, then veers back onto the road facing oncoming traffic. Sighing, he rolls his car vertically through a plate glass window, continues rolling through the restaurant and through the brick wall in the back. Wearily he continues to zip around until his car runs out of gas in front of dunder mifflin. Miserably he pushes himself through the front door without using his arms, hits the elevator button with his hip, and plops down next to Dwight. The police arrive and accuse him of vehicular manslaughter. Jim sighs and groans and barely utters the word "prank." The police drag him away, as he has gone limp. Four months later he is given lethal injection. "Boy," Dwight says, reading his newspaper, "That Jim was really a prankster. Guess he really 'Went Out With a Bang!'" He folds his newspaper and continues his happy life in the office.
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 20:01
|
|
|
As a prank, Jim steals Andy's catchphrase, "Ri dit dit di doo!"
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 20:08
|
|
|
FunkyAl posted:As a prank, Jim steals Andy's catchphrase, "Ri dit dit di doo!" Andy advances on Jim with a tire iron in a murderous rage. Jim’s last words, spoken as though they were a talisman against consequences, are “It was just a prank, bro! Prank! PRANK!”
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 20:24
|
|
|
Jim calls Roy’s successful landscaping service, “Roy’s Total Landscaping for All Four Seasons”, and orders that his house (a decrepit shack held up only by a supporting wall consisting of a creepy clown painting) be given “the works.” Roy’s team mows the overgrown grass, replants the dead shrubs, and rehabilitates the dying tree. Jim didn’t think this one through, however. He’d planned on not paying, but he gave Roy his home address when ordering the service, and gave his name as “Jim Heartspam”, a reference to the unrequited love he bears for Roy’s wife. Jim’s smirk falters when a huge bill arrives in the mail.
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 20:29
|
|
|
poisonpill posted:Andy advances on Jim with a tire iron in a murderous rage. Jim’s last words, spoken as though they were a talisman against consequences, are “It was just a prank, bro! Prank! PRANK!” In the trial of a century, a beaten, comatose Jim sues Andrew Bernard for "Infringement of the right to prank." The case makes it all the way to the supreme court, where in a groundbreaking 8-1 decision, pranks are recognized under the first amendment as protected speech. Andy is sent to a maximum security prison in Missouri, while Jim quietly passes in the night after the verdict is announced. Some say his lips curled into the shape of a smirk. Not the doctors, though.
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 20:38
|
|
|
Jim enrolls in online classes at Cornell University and graduates with an MFA in Music (acapella chorus). This leaves him with six figures in student debt with no marketable skills, but infuriates Andy to no end.
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 21:52
|
|
|
FunkyAl posted:In the trial of a century, a beaten, comatose Jim sues Andrew Bernard for "Infringement of the right to prank." The case makes it all the way to the supreme court, where in a groundbreaking 8-1 decision, pranks are recognized under the first amendment as protected speech. Andy is sent to a maximum security prison in Missouri, while Jim quietly passes in the night after the verdict is announced. Some say his lips curled into the shape of a smirk. Not the doctors, though. Andy’s response to the verdict.
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 22:01
|
|
|
Jim pranks Andy by hiding Andy's anti-psychotic medications in the ceiling. Andy flips the gently caress out and starts raving about his fillings before putting his fist through Meredith's computer monitor because it was "watching" him. As everyone else in the office dogpiles Andy to get Andy under control, Jim giggles and turns up the power on Jim's electrosonic projector, currently tuned to the resonant frequency of Andy's fillings.
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 22:50
|
|
|
Jim cancels hit Amazon Prime Original series “Midnight Sky” to get back at Dwight for being better at sales
|
|
#
?
Aug 7, 2022 23:04
|
|
|
Jim walks into the office and chops Dwight's head off with a Scimitar before making his way to Phyllis, Andy, and Oscar. Soaked in blood, He rushes over to Ryan and cuts his hand off before being tackled by Kevin. By the time Michael Scott shows up to work, the police have arrested Jim. After explaining the situation, Michael informs them that Jim's antics were "merely a prank," and Jim walks free. The next day, Jim walks into the office and chops off nothing with nothing. He turns to Dwight's desk and exclaims, "Hey Balloon Boy, way to get a HEAD of the game!" Dwight's head does not respond.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 01:13
|
|
|
Jim gets his PhD in Interdisciplinary Studies and begins referring to himself Dr. James Halpert, DDS. (Doctor of Disciplinary Sciences.) Arriving at work he announces he is now in charge of discipline and punishment for everyone working at the office and Michael glances at his credentials and they appear to be in order. Dwight's blood runs cold.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 01:23
|
|
|
Jim decides to “Foucault up”
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 02:53
|
|
|
Jim decides to "Infinite Jest up" but nobody, not even Jim, has any idea what that would entail. Jim only bought the book for the title, but lost interest after the first few pages. Even Oscar, an avid reader, is forced to admit he never made it more than a few chapters into the book. Jim eventually coats Dwight in Lemon Pledge and calls it a day.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 03:55
|
|
|
Jim decides to "David Foster Wallace up" by writing a novel nobody can finish and then killing himself.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 04:28
|
|
|
Jim writes Dwight's will for him, leaving him (Jim) all the his (Dwight's) worldly assets, then proceeds to frame his (Jim's) wife, Pam, for his (Dwight's) murder in order to rid himself of both of them. Jim sells Schrute Farms to Elon for $110B as a waste dump for lithium battery waste. Jim takes the money and invests in SpaceX with a plan to forcibly relocate all moms on Earth to Mars.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 04:44
|
|
|
Jim replaces Dwight’s blood with antifreeze again.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 05:51
|
|
|
Dunder Mifflin decides to get into the publishing business, arguing that it "makes as much sense as anything else we do." Jim begins writing an anthology short story series entitled "Fun Pranks for Jim to Play on Dwight". Dwight's contribution to the new Dunder Mifflin publishing house is a series of Young Adult fantasy novels taking place in a magical world of bears, beets, and charity. Andy also gets into the game, quickly writing "The Fancy Sons Detective Agency", about 2 rich children who spend their idle free time solving minor mysteries around their palatial estate. Jim's short stories become a massive hit, topping the New York Times bestseller list. Andy's books are bulk purchased by his family, also putting him on the New York Times bestseller list. Dwight, however, finds little to no success. HIs first book sells poorly, the 2nd book sells even less, and Dunder Mifflin cancels his contract for any additional books. Jim mugs at Dwight. "Well, looks like the people have spoken. And they want me to prank you again and again and again! Sorry, Dwight, but you gotta give the people what they want!" Dwight sighs and asks Jim how much money he's made from the books. "Eh, well, I mean... it's not really about the money. But it's a lot, trust me! I definitely didn't get screwed over by Dunder Mifflin's lawyers in this deal and barely make anything despite putting up a dozen best sellers!" Jim mugs for the camera but his eyes show he's not entirely into it this time.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 14:44
|
|
|
Jim starts a rumor that Dwight died years ago and was replaced by a lookalike. Jim posts hundreds of photos on his new website, DwightIsDead.com, showing supposed "differences" between older photos of Dwight and current ones. These range from tiny moles to stubble, to something that Jim refers to as "the Schrute nasal folds". Jim even goes so far as to release a documentary called "The Dwight Truth Revealed: For the First Time Ever: Dwight is Dead - A True Documentary". The extremely low-budget and amateurish production that uses grainy footage without context to claim that Dwight has been replaced by a lookalike for nefarious purposes. Conspiracy theorists begin to flock around Schrute Farms, demanding that Dwight reveal "the truth" about who he is. Dwight begs for the assembled crowd to think about what they're saying for one moment - arguing that there would be no point in anyone pretending to be Dwight Schrute with no apparent financial gain. Suddenly, a man in a mustard yellow shirt steps forward. "I'm the real Dwight Schrute, you monster! You trapped me in a basement for the last 5 years, but I got out! And now it's time to pay the price!" The crowd roars as the apparent "real" Dwight commands them to burn down Schrute farms, attack the "fake" Dwight, and then trap him in the burning farmhouse. As everything Dwight Schrute worked his life to build burns away, the "real" Dwight waves over the camera crew. "I mean, obviously it's me," says Jim, wearing his Dwight outfit from years ago. "I did a trial run of this one YEARS ago and it went really well, so I figured I'd soup it up a little bit with the website." Schrute Farms is now just a series of glowing embers as Jim mugs for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 15:23
|
|
|
Jim decides to “Andy Up” and dramatically changes his personality each year (almost as if at the whims of a group of talentless Ivy-educated upper class writers who had no idea what office work is like or how to create compelling storylines except through relationship drama), before eventually settling down into a depressed sad sack.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 16:48
|
|
|
Jim decides to "ante up" and bets everything on a pair of aces. Jim loses. Dwight is furious with Jim as now they are stranded in Las Vegas with no money and no way to get home.
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 16:53
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 5, 2024 00:16 |
|
|
Jim decides to "auntie up" by posting anti-LGBT Minion memes on Facebook. "If being gay is not a choice, why do gay people say 'my body my choice' all the time?" Reads a line of text under a picture of a Minion with a look of deep puzzlement. Dwight is forced to put up with seeing this poo poo on his Facebook timeline because Michael insisted everyone in the office must be Facebook friends with each other (and, by extension, Michael).
|
|
#
?
Aug 8, 2022 16:59
|
|