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FunkyAl posted:Jim persuades Dwight to "give Pam a chance," and unloads an entire can of Pam cooking spray into his mouth. Jim projectile vomits a stomach full of Pam all over Dwight's desk.
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Aug 23, 2022 08:02
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| # ? Jun 4, 2024 22:58 |
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Dwight realizes his lunch is comprised of Nano Jims who are disguised as food. Dwight vomits up a slurry of the Nano Jims that fruitlessly reform into the simulation of a meal for just a split second before scattering. Furious, Dwight wants to know how long Jim has been allowing the Nano Jims to do this. Jim thinks about it and says, "Well, probably 5 years. At this point, I'd say your mass is likely comprised of 80-90% Nano Jims that have replaced your original body. Check it out! 'Nano Jims! Deactivate!'" Dwight's entire body seems to flush out of itself in a slush, leaving only a hollow, fragile, spiderweb-like weave of the remnants of the original Dwight's biological material inside his clothes.
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Aug 23, 2022 08:17
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JediTalentAgent posted:Dwight realizes his lunch is comprised of Nano Jims who are disguised as food. Meanwhile, at Schrute Farms hundreds of beets tear themselves out of the ground, levitate, hang in the air for a moment and then blast skywards, the sonic boom sets off all the car alarms in scranton. Moents later the beets fly through an open window in the office and form a cloud around what is left of Dwight. The beets unspool themselves and begin to fill in the gaps with concentrated beet-matter. When it is done the muscular form that now fills Dwight's mustard yellow shirt is still unmistakably Dwight, but somehow so much more. Dwight's eyes glow white, and electricity arcs across his, Dwight's, body. All of the pranking supplies on Jim's desk spontaneously combust and the anguished shrieks of thousands of Tiny Jims can be heard, followed by thousands of simultaneous popping sounds, then only silence. Jim realises with horror that he is standing in the presence of Ultimate Dwight, everybody in the office bows before Ultimate Dwight. Charles Miner walks in and wishes Ultimate Dwight good morning, but in a tone of voice that suggests that he, Charles Miner, is addressing somebody that he, Charles Miner, considers to be his, Charles Miner's, equal. Charles Miner then nods and wanders off towards the break room. After what seems to be an eternity, Ultimate Dwight finally speaks: "WHERE IS THE ONE YOU CALL COSMIC JIM?" To be continued...
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Aug 23, 2022 09:29
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using an anonymous account, jim emails michael a crude photoshop of dwight jerking off
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Aug 23, 2022 10:49
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Jim starts a gossip website (BadBitchGossip.org) and all of the rumors involve Dwight. The site is originally not very popular until Jim hijacks the local news with a pirate broadcast and announces that BadBitchGossip.org is full of the juiciest celeb gossip and drama around. The site suddenly sees a massive spike in popularity and all of Scranton is talking about Dwight's secret late-night meetings with Cardi B. People begin to flock around Schrute Farms, stomping on Dwight's precious beets and ruining his privacy. To make matters worse, Dwight is forced to cancel his unannounced collaboration with Cardi B. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Aug 23, 2022 13:14
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Jim steaks Dwight’s penis.
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Aug 23, 2022 13:22
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JediTalentAgent posted:Dwight realizes his lunch is comprised of Nano Jims who are disguised as food. Even after 199 pages you guys are still coming up with really scary ones.
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Aug 23, 2022 13:47
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Jim decides to "raze the steaks" by demolishing the Scranton beef warehouse.
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Aug 23, 2022 13:52
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Concerned that Famous Original Jim's is now widely known as the worst pizza place in all of Pennsylvania, possibly the entire east coast, Jim decides to "raise the tone". He, Jim, introduces the new "bleaker than bleak" pizza. In a 5 star review the New Yorker calls the "bleaker than bleak" pizza "a searing indictment of the prison industrial complex". Famous Original Jim's is soon filled with well dressed Ivy League types, who are simultaneoulsy crying, vomiting and calling Jim the voice of a generation. Jim mugs the camera.
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Aug 23, 2022 14:24
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Jim downloads a video of himself making threats in an anonymous mask onto Dwight's video ipod.
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Aug 23, 2022 17:40
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Jim decides to "raise the stakes" by stabbing Dwight in the shin with a ball point pen.
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Aug 23, 2022 17:49
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Jim announces he's going to be "calling the shots" from now on. Jim makes harassing phone calls to every COVID vaccination site in Scranton, prompting them to close and forcing Dwight (and dozens of other people) to drive more than two hours for a booster shot.
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Aug 23, 2022 17:51
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Jim announces he's going to be "calling the shots" from now on. Jim plays a pickup game of basketball against Roy and narrates every single play. “He takes it, he runs!” calls Jim, not bothering to dribble the ball. Ignoring Roy’s call of traveling, Jim continues, “He’s wide open! He shoots! He misses! He gets the ball back, and shoots again! So close! Rebound! Shoots, swoosh! I mean, hit the rim and bounced out!” By now the warehouse is entirely empty.
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Aug 23, 2022 17:57
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Jim announces he's going to be "calling the shots" from now on. As soon as Dwight sits down at Dwight's desk, Jim, dressed in a gillie suit, whispers "take the shot" into a walkie talkie. Dwight dives for cover as his monitor explodes in a hail of sparks. Everyone in the office screams as sniper fire pursues Dwight across the room, trapping Dwight behind the filing cabinets (the closest available cover capable of stopping a high-caliber round).
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Aug 23, 2022 18:18
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There's a strange chirping noise coming from somewhere in Dwight's house, driving him crazy. Dwight scours every inch of his home but can't seem to pinpoint the location of the electronic chirp. He begins tearing out cabinets, pulling apart light fixtures, and eventually pulling absolutely everything off the walls and shelves of his home. All of this is for nothing, however, as Dwight cannot locate the source. He confronts Jim at work, convinced it's a prank, and asks where the chirp is coming from. "Dwight! Seriously, I swear to God I didn't put anything in your house! Maybe it's a cricket? Or some hidden smoke alarm is out of batteries? Dwight, seriously, I feel for you here. That doesn't sound like a good time!" In a talking head segment, Jim reveals that he hid an electronic chirping device in Dwight's inner ear that activates as soon as Dwight enters his own home.
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Aug 23, 2022 18:26
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Jim announces he's going to be "calling the shots" from now on. Every time Pam drinks a shot he calls "There she goes!", "That was a big gulp!", "*hollering*", etc.. This just makes Pam drink more.
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Aug 23, 2022 18:44
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Jim announces the he's going to be calling the Schotts from now on. Dwight appreciates Jim finally taking some initiative and taking care of thier largest east coast client.
Fell Mood fucked around with this message at 18:55 on Aug 23, 2022 |
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Aug 23, 2022 18:51
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Heading to pick up something from the printer, Dwight notices a flyer sitting in the paper tray. He picks it up and reads it. 2022 PRANKSTER'S BALL SEPTEMBER 3-5 BE THERE AS WE CROWN THE KING AND QUEEN OF PRANKS 377 RADIOACTIVE CLOWN BLVD FOOD PROVIDED BY FAMOUS ORIGINAL JIM'S Dwight picks up the flyer and hands it to Jim, telling Jim "good luck" in being crowned the King or Queen of Pranking. Jim sighs. "I never win, Dwight. 25 years I've been entering and I never win. You know what they say - always the pranksmaid, never the bride!" His natural desire to help others overwriting all other emotions, Dwight offers to help Jim win the contest. He suggest that Jim should start "calling the shots" and announce exactly what his prank is before the Prankster's Ball, then still pull it off. "I see what you mean, Dwight! I get a double prank then, they'll be anticipating it, but I'll prank them by still pulling it off! My God, you'd make a wonderful prankster," Jim looks wistful for a moment, "perhaps... perhaps in another life, we could have been the world's greatest team of pranksters. But I suppose this will have to do. Thank you, Dwight, thank you!" The next day Jim takes off into the air, intending to skywrite his prank in the skies of Scranton. As Jim reaches the correct altitude to start writing, he feels a sharp pain in his ankle. He looks down and notices thousands of squirming snakes in the cockpit, writhing and twisting around his legs. As Jim freaks out and starts kicking, the snakes begin to bite. Their deadly venom courses through Jim's veins and he feels the world begin to slip away. The plane crashes to the ground after Jim has only managed to write "THIS". Jim does not survive the plane crash. At the 2022 Prankster's Ball, a moment of silence is held for Jim before the final awards are handed out. A man in a top hat and bowtie begins to read the card. "And now it's time to crown the King and Queen of Pranks. And this year, we have a bit of a surprise win. This year's Queen of Pranks is... PAMELA HALPERT! Pam has swept the votes this year for her incredible 'snakes on a plane' prank that claimed the life of Jim Halpert." The crowd erupts into raucous cheers and applause as the giant TV screens play footage of Jim crashing to the ground and his plane erupting into a massive fireball. Pam claims her award and takes a theatrical bow for the crowd. "And our King of Pranks, for the 25th year running.... Prank-o-Tron 4000!!! He's winning for his latest doozy, "Printing a Flyer and Sticking it on the Dunder Mifflin Printer So Dwight Sees It and Helps Jim In Order To Set Up Pam's Prank!" The crowd gets even louder and more rowdy, clinking glasses together and cheering for Pam and Prank-o-Tron 4000. Prank-o-Tron grabs his award and shoots sparks from his eyes in his trademark show of happiness. The TV screens zoom in on Jim's charred corpse and the crowd begins chanting "PRANK O TRON! PRANK O TRON!" and "LET'S GO PAM!"
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Aug 23, 2022 19:10
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A Fancy Hat posted:Heading to pick up something from the printer, Dwight notices a flyer sitting in the paper tray. He picks it up and reads it. In the backstage, Cece and Phillip smile a wicked grin for the camera.
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Aug 23, 2022 19:22
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Wait, I just realized both Jim and Dwight had children named Phillip. That sure would be embarrassing if they ever mixed them up!
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Aug 23, 2022 21:51
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Jim’s eyeballs sprout a dozen insect-like legs and crawl out of Jim’s skull. Jim’s optical nerves are severed with two wet snaps as the eyeballs crawl away and free themselves. “Guess EYE will see you guys later!” Jim mugs for what he thinks is the camera, but he’s actually just looking in the general direction of Creed.
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Aug 24, 2022 02:39
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Jim swaps his and Dwight's hearts so that when they meet Anubis after death Jim may enter the Duat while Dwight is devoured by Ammit.
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Aug 24, 2022 02:57
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Jim finishes the coffee and doesn't start a new pot!
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Aug 24, 2022 03:05
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Jim bumps into Dwight. Dwight is subducted underneath Jim and is pushed into the Earth's mantle, where he will remain trapped for many geologic eons.
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Aug 24, 2022 04:12
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Jim closes the door on Dwight while Dwight is in the broom cupboard. "Hey!" yells Dwight. When Dwight tries to push the door open, Jim, laughing, leans his whole weight on the door so Dwight can't get it open. Dwight throws all his weight behind pushing open the door. The door flies open, knocking Jim to the ground. Jim hits his head and starts to cry. Michael scolds Dwight and Jim gets to lay down in the conference room with the lights off for the rest of the afternoon. Jim mugs and winks at the camera. He was only faking how much it hurt when he his his head but Dwight still got in big trouble.
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Aug 24, 2022 04:17
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The Hello Machine posted:Jim finishes the coffee and doesn't start a new pot! I've seem some twisted poo poo in this thread, but only just now did it hit home what a loving rear end in a top hat Jim is.
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Aug 24, 2022 05:07
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Jim leaves a single sheet of toilet paper on the roll and refuses to just swap it out for a fresh one.
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Aug 24, 2022 05:27
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Dwight enjoys a single brand of cottage cheese, but Jim goes to the store and takes all of them except a single container that he leaves on the shelves. He passes by Dwight in the store and waves, showing off the cart full of cottage cheese, before moving on. Dwight makes his way to the dairy aisle and pauses, staring at the lone tub of cottage cheese. Dwight wonders what Jim did to it, and being unable to answer that question, sighs and buys it before tossing it into the garbage in front of the store to keep some innocent soul from being poisoned by one of Jim's pranks. Jim puts all the cottage cheese tubs that have been sitting in his cart for the last 10 hours back on the shelves. On his way out of the store he pulls the still cold one that Dwight threw away from the garbage, opens it, and starts 'drinking' it down in. "Dwight's just throwing away food? Talk about being spoiled..." Jim mugs to the parking lot security camera, chunks of cottage cheese dripping of his cheeks and chin.
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Aug 24, 2022 06:39
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The Awesomesaurus posted:Wait, I just realized both Jim and Dwight had children named Phillip. That sure would be embarrassing if they ever mixed them up! Jim drops both Phillips in a giant blender and sets it to purée. He then replaces Dwight's regular coffee with decaffinated Phillip for a week. This causes Dwight to doze off during an important meeting and he is quite embarrassed!
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Aug 24, 2022 08:02
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The Awesomesaurus posted:Wait, I just realized both Jim and Dwight had children named Phillip. That sure would be embarrassing if they ever mixed them up! What the hell are you talking about? Everybody knows Dwight's son is called Beetrum.
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Aug 24, 2022 08:08
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While clearing some stones from his field, Dwight notices what looks like a meteor streaking across the sky. It crashes near the farmhouse and Dwight quickly races to find out what it is. When he arrives, he realizes that the meteor is actually a metallic ball-shaped spacecraft of some sort. The ship opens up and a heavily-muscled man with floppy hair steps out. He's clad in what looks like an armored T-shirt and a pair of tennis shoes. His shirt reads "NEVER MESS WITH A SPACE PRANKSTER WHO WAS BORN IN JULY AND DRIVES A FORKLIFT". Dwight is shocked by the floppiness of the man's hair, which hangs below his waist. The figure has a strange device over his eye, which appears to be some kind of tinted glass lens. He presses a button and the lens chirps and beeps, displaying various alien letters and numbers. "Hmmm, your pranking level is absolutely pathetic. Has my brother truly failed at his task?" Dwight is confused and asks the man what who is brother is, already worried that he knows the answer. "Oh. It's Ligma." Dwight asks if his brother has a last name, and the floppy man's face lights up. "LIGMA BALLS!" Dwight is knocked to the ground by the force of the prank and left gasping for air. The floppy man laughs and then presses a button on his eyepiece. It chirps a few times and seems to detect something in the distance. "Ahhh, a pranking level of 334. That must be Prankarot. Still, quite a pathetic number." The man hops on a pogo stick that he produces from his ship, then bounces off into the distance while Dwight is left wincing in pain.
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Aug 24, 2022 12:22
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Jim puts a tiny amount of powerful adhesive in Dwight's food and drink for months. After he feels like Dwight's had enough, Jim turns off the air conditioner in the office. Dwight starts sweating and stands up to turn the A/C back on, but finds himself stuck to his chair. His sweat is now a powerful glue which has trapped him in his chair. "Jeez Dwight, talk about sticking around!" Jim mugs for the camera.
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Aug 24, 2022 12:47
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A Fancy Hat posted:Jim constructs a scale replica of Scranton in his basement, including Dunder Mifflin and Schrute Farms. Holy smokes my man 
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Aug 24, 2022 13:17
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Flush with $34 million cash, Dr. Mehmet Oz's Senate Campaign reaches out to Famous Original Jim's Pizza for a campaign stop and photo-op. "Sure thing! We're a Pennsylvania landmark after all, right up there with Wegner's Grocery Store and getting a weird cheesesteak from Pat and Geno's!" Jim starts laughing and the campaign representative does too, unsure of whether this is perhaps some kind of Pennsylvania custom. This goes on for 5 minutes before Jim eventually just hangs up the phone. A few days later, Jim has put multiple banners up around the flagship Famous Original Jim's, welcoming Dr. Oz. A dozen Tiny Jims are dressed in full marching band regalia, ready to play up a storm and celebrate the momentous day. As Dr. Oz comes in, Jim pulls him aside. "Okay, I've got all the classic Pennsylvania things here. A colder than cold pizza. Mashed potatoes topped with maple syrup. A copy of the Mona Lisa where she's wearing a top hat. A porcupine. And, of course, ream after ream of clown paper. Take as many pictures as you want, sign some clown paper, enjoy some pizza! As we say in Pennsylvania, it's-a me, Wario!" Dr. Oz takes all of Jim's advice to heart, posing for pictures while eating colder than cold pizza and greeting everyone with a signed piece of clown paper. Jim remains stoic and stone-faced the entire time, focused on sending out more colder than cold pizza to the handful of confused patrons. At the end of the day, Oz has signed 18 pieces of clown paper and insisted that Pennsylvanians all "relate to Wario" and "love porcupines" while Jim solemnly nodded and agreed with him. This fuels another round of online ridicule with thousands of memes being created, mocking Oz for his bizarre out-of-touch mindset. Dwight is scrolling through Twitter when he notices one of the memes. Dr. Oz is holding a piece of clown paper, with text underneath having been added to the photo. The text says "WHEN THE PAPER IS LESS OF A CLOWN THAN YOU". Dwight isn't too concerned with that, however, as he notices Jim is holding up a tiny post-it-note in the background as he serves up another pizza. Dwight zooms in on the photo so he can read the post-it. "DWIGHT, LOOK IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR" Dwight rushes into his kitchen and opens the fridge. Dozens of ferrets explode outward and run across the floor. After a few hours of collecting the ferrets and cleaning up the mess, Dwight returns to scrolling through twitter before bed. He finds another meme of Dr. Oz, this time he's eating a piece of colder than cold pizza. "WHEN THE ONLY THING COLDER THAN YOUR CAMPAIGN IS THE PIZZA" In the background, Jim is pointing at a picture on the wall of the pizza shop. Dwight zooms in. It's a photo of the opening day at Famous Original Jim's. In it, Jim is mugging for the camera.
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Aug 24, 2022 13:22
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Jim wears a tie-dye shirt to work and tells Dwight to "check out this sick design". Dwight is transfixed by the pattern, which seems to be constantly moving and shifting. He stares, unmoving, as Jim looms over him. Dwight blinks his eyes and then finds himself in an endless tie-dye void. There is no up or down, there is no end to the tie-dye expanse. Dwight will wander this realm for all eternity. Jim, now alone in the office, asks the camera crew to "get a good shot of the shirt, for everyone at home to see".
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Aug 24, 2022 13:30
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Jim is tasked with designing a virtual reality experience for Dunder Mifflin customers and eventually creates the Dunderverse - an immersive world where customers are able to see inside the offices of Dunder Mifflin and experience what the employees see, feel, touch, and even smell. Dunder Mifflin stocks plunge as users report terrifying experiences and several people are locked into what becomes known as a "fear coma". "Jeez, I've heard of beta testing, but I BETTA TEST this thing out! Dwight, do you mind?" Dwight puts on the VR helmet (really, Jim kind of shoves it onto Dwight's head) and enters the Dunderverse. He's instantly transplanted into the virtual life of a paper salesman. As Virtual Dwight attempts to make a call, a swarm of bees attack him and begin to painfully sting. As soon as the bees leave, a flood of cranberry juice washes through the office, irritating the stings. Virtual Dwight howls in pain but continues making sales calls until his phone line is plugged into an electrical outlet and electricity flows through it, causing Virtual Dwight to suffer a nearly fatal electric shock. Virtual Dwight heads to the breakroom for a cup of coffee, only to find the corpses of his grandparents sitting at a table. Virtual Dwight finishes his cup of coffee only to realize there's a a Tiny Virtual Jim in the cup, doing the backstroke. Dwight decides he's seen enough and takes off the helmet. "So, how was the test? What bugs do I need to fix?" Dwight says everything seems fine, Jim perfectly replicated a normal day at Dunder Mifflin. Jim sighs and says he'll have to go back to the drawing board, then actually walks over to a giant chalkboard he's installed in the office. He draws a picture perfect recreation of his smug face.
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Aug 24, 2022 16:16
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Jim shaves off Dwight's hair, then quickly collects it in a plastic baggie. Dwight's hair quickly regrows (Dwight thanks his stout farmer's genes for this unique adaptation) and within 3 days he looks the same as ever. Jim then shaves off that hair and collects it. For several months, this same process repeats. When Dwight asks HR to get involved, a half-awake Toby simply shrugs. The next day, Jim shows up wearing a sweater made of Dwight's hair. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Aug 24, 2022 17:56
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Every day in the mail, Dwight receives a puzzle piece. He resists his initial impulse to throw it away, and instead stores it in his desk drawer. After receiving 48 pieces, he decides to put the puzzle together. It isn't until he clicks the last piece in place that he realizes the picture on the puzzle is a large image of Jim's smirking face, mugging for the camera.
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Aug 24, 2022 18:08
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Jim decides to "Drop a Beet" and composes a rap outlining how badly Dwight smells like beets.
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Aug 24, 2022 19:27
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| # ? Jun 4, 2024 22:58 |
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A Fancy Hat posted:Heading to pick up something from the printer, Dwight notices a flyer sitting in the paper tray. He picks it up and reads it. The "In Memoriam" segment of the 2022 Prankies awards is just a slideshow of Jim over and over again. Jim is also hosting the awards.
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Aug 24, 2022 20:00
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