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Jim tells Dwight bimbo training is required for a management position
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Aug 31, 2022 19:17
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| # ? Jun 4, 2024 18:07 |
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Jim catches the camera's attention and smirks. Jim's smirk begins to morph and elongate as bad early 2000s CGI effects transform him into a liquid that flows into Dwight's coffee cup. Dwight comes back and takes a sip, only to spit the mouthful of Jim out in disgust. A splatter with Jim's face on it mugs up at the camera from the carpet.
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Aug 31, 2022 19:22
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Jim installs an extremely elaborate and extremely expensive fountain in the middle of the office. It's stunningly beautiful but the heavy weight of the marble plus the water causes the flimsy floor to buckle and collapse over the warehouse. Everyone has to be taken to the hospital. Jim later then sues Dwight for shoddy maintenance of the building. The building was in tip-top shape, but feckless Michael, wearing a "I'm with her" t-shirt, and Elon Musk, dressed as Waluigi, testify against Dwight in court due to Jim's peer pressure. The judge, wearing a Luigi costume, was also threatened by Jim. Dwight is sentenced to life in prison. Jim mugs to Dwight while his (Dwight's) mugshot is taken. Space Kablooey fucked around with this message at 19:30 on Aug 31, 2022 |
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Aug 31, 2022 19:23
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Jim installs an extremely elaborate and extremely expensive fountain in the middle of the office. Nobody has seen Jim since the fountain was installed. Jim, dressed in gray body paint and urinating continuously into the bowl of the fountain, winks at the camera then pisses on the back of Dwight's head as Dwight walks by.
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Aug 31, 2022 19:25
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Applewhite posted:Jim installs an extremely elaborate and extremely expensive fountain in the middle of the office. Two days later, Jim is somehow still peeing. He breathes heavily and he sweats all over his body, clearing away bits of the gray body paint. Everyone knows now that it’s just him, though they continue working and ignoring him. As his (Jim’s) urine turns into blood, Jim weakly mugs the camera, his eyes wavering as he struggles to stay conscious.
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Aug 31, 2022 20:39
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Can someone tell me on what page clown paper became a thing? or just explain the origin? tia oh it's in the op, my bad fps_nug fucked around with this message at 20:58 on Aug 31, 2022 |
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Aug 31, 2022 20:41
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Pam is desperately trying to find things to sell in the yard sale while Jim follows her around the house with an armload of junk he'd forgotten existed but now refuses to part with. "This! What about this?" Pam holds up a heap of deflated plastic. "Your Zorb. You haven't used this thing in months. Can we sell this?" "No!" Jim shrieks and tosses the junk in his arms aside to leap protectively over the Zorb. Pam throws up her hands and stomps off while Jim starts frantically blowing up the Zorb. Later, Pam presides over a table covered in her grandmother's jewelry and other family heirlooms while Jim, nude except for a pair of tennis shoes, runs around on the front lawn in his Zorb. Dwight shows up to make a pity purchase, offering to buy some knickknacks for much more than they're worth. Before Dwight can hand Pam the money, Jim charges at Dwight full speed, knocking Dwight to the ground and toppling the yard sale table. Jewelry is scattered everywhere and one of grandma Beasly's pearl earrings goes down the sewer grate. "See you next fall, balloon boy!" laughs Jim.
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Aug 31, 2022 21:22
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For some reason (which Toby strongly suspects to be Jim), the American Heart Association was given the wrong date, time, and address for the Dunder Mifflin annual blood drive. Instead, during the time that everyone was going to give blood, Jim decides to open up his taco truck to collect blood donations. Jim, as a "fully licensed" physician, is "beyond qualified" to draw blood, he explains to an increasingly skeptical audience (especially because Jim keeps using air quotes when calling himself "Doctor Halpert"). Finally, though, Michael (yada yada "I'm With Her" shirt) volunteers to donate blood because he sees an attractive woman in the food truck also donating. When he lies on the couch, though, Jim immediately injects Michael with a powerful narcotic, causing him to pass out. When Michael awakens, the beautiful lady is gone, and he sadly collects his jacket and leaves. The landscape has completely changed: the trees are stripped bare of their leaves, the sky is an angry red under an incredible wave of oppressive heat, and the street is covered with potholes. A police siren is heard in the distance. Michael turns back to Jim and asks where he is. "Did you- did you send me into the future? Or another dimension?" "Nope!" says Jim with a smirk as he drives away in El Sicko's Taco Truck, "This is just middle Pennsylvania in the year 2022!" Jim honks the horn as he blasts past a despondent Michael, which plays a horn-version of "La Cucaracha".
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Aug 31, 2022 22:06
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Jim tries to take Mose to the dog track and gets irate when the bookie refuses to put Mose on the docket
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Aug 31, 2022 23:24
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Jim brings a jar of jellybeans to the office and challenges Dwight to guess how many there are. Dwight, relishing the chance to use his advanced mathematics degree, correctly guesses that there are exactly 7,304 beans. "Wrong again, nerd!" Jim shouts, as he uses a hot plate to melt the jellybeans into one big jellybean.
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Sep 1, 2022 00:11
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Jim greases up the break room floor and hides in a vent as Dwight enters. Jim is eager to see Dwight slide and fall, but is shocked when Dwight easily walks across the slippery surface. Jim slinks out of the vent after Dwight leaves and confirms the floor is still slippery, then pours out another coat of grease and hides. In a talking head segment Dwight explains that earlier in the week Jim had added “super-friction tape” to all of Dwight’s shoes, so a layer of grease was just what he needed to make it through the week until his cobbler elf could put together a new pair of shoes. Meredith slides across the break room floor and has to be taken to the hospital.
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Sep 1, 2022 03:17
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Finally we get a glimpse of the opposite number to Jim's Squeaky Shoe Machine.
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Sep 1, 2022 03:33
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Jim drops hints all day that he’s “got a case of the Jimblies.” Dwight is too afraid to ask what that means.
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Sep 1, 2022 05:02
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Jim smacks Dwight in his open mouth, unprovoked. He pokes him in the eye and burns him with a lighter, before stomping on his calf. In response, Dwight begins cleaning the sores on Jim's feet, and makes a bed for Jim in his spare room with a hot meal waiting on a little table.
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Sep 1, 2022 05:44
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Long story short, Jim is a "They Live" alien and Dwight and Charles Miner have a drag down fight where Dwight makes him (Charles MIner) put on the beet-color sunglasses to see the subliminal pranking hiding in every piece of media in Scranton. It's all been part of a clever prank for Pam to freak out at Alien Jim when they're having sex so he can mug to the camera.
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Sep 1, 2022 06:09
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Jim designs an elaborate Rube-Goldberg machine that kicks Dwight in the balls. Well, designing one anyway. Jim is steadfast in his requirement that every node in the chain results in Dwight getting kicked in the balls. At today's scrum meeting, Jim's lead engineer informs him development has now dragged into its second year with no end in sight.
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Sep 1, 2022 13:17
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Completing a lifelong goal, Dwight arrives in Florence and travels to the Uffizi Museum to see The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli. To his shock, Venus’s face looks exactly like Jim, looking smugly directly at the viewer. Dwight blinks, rubs his eyes. Nobody else seems to think that there’s anything wrong with the painting. Suddenly, Venus gives Dwight a slow, salacious wink.
poisonpill fucked around with this message at 13:51 on Sep 1, 2022 |
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Sep 1, 2022 13:44
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Jim opens a karate studio directly across from the studio Dwight attends, originally planning to set up a rivalry. However, Jim is extremely feeble and unskilled in the fighting arts, so his school struggles to attract any students. Instead, Jim just starts mooning Dwight's karate school whenever Dwight is practicing. When a mall security guard asks Jim to stop, Jim starts crying and says that he's being "attacked" for his "conservative beliefs". The exhausted guard just walks away and Jim starts mooning Dwight again.
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Sep 1, 2022 14:03
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After being "attacked" for his "conservative beliefs" Jim writes a 1000-page self-insert novel that's an extended pity party for a brave, handsome prankster unfairly persecuted for pranking "Dwight Poop," portrayed in the book as a crossdressing pedophile. Clearance bins all over the country are soon overflowing with Jim's book, The Prank Black Heart. Jim's photo mugs for basically no-one from the dust jacket of the book.
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Sep 1, 2022 14:23
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Kelly is forced to “grab a mop and bucket” to clean up the break room after Jim’s infamous incontinent flock of seagulls prank. Jim (washing the 80s hairspray out of his hair in the kitchen sink) overhears Kelly singing “W.A.P.” and is utterly disgusted. He immediately takes to the airwaves with his weekly podcast, The Jim Halpert Power Hour, to denounce the song because “my wife never wants to have sex with me.” The podcast’s cover image is, naturally, Jim’s smirking face (with his hair done up in an 80s wave like Flock of Seagulls).
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Sep 1, 2022 14:46
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A strange figure resembling a ragged gray scarecrow staggers into the office, holding up a pair of loose black swim trunks that threaten to fall down at any moment. Seemingly recognizing the creature, Jim immediately gets up from his desk, rushes out of the office, and then returns with a fire hose. Jim begins the spray the desiccated ghoul with a powerful blast of water, soaking the entire office in the process and shorting out the photocopier. The creature's body absorbs most of the water, swelling up like a sponge and taking on a bizarre shape. Its ash-gray skin changes to a bright, almost bio-luminescent white and its hollow, craggy features begin to bloat until it becomes recognizable as Elon Musk, nude except for a pair of black swim trunks. Dwight, fully clothed and hiding under an umbrella, keeps his head down and tries to focus on his work as the water rises around his ankles. He's used to this routine by now.
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Sep 1, 2022 15:40
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jim exists
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Sep 1, 2022 15:55
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Jim pulls up to the traffic lights in his racecar bed. He glances to his right, does a double take and glares at the lane next to him. Robert California is sitting in an official Le Mans prototype racecar bed. The light goes green and Robert California effortlessly burns Jim off, leaving Jim in his, Robert California's, dust.
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Sep 1, 2022 15:55
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Stuffguyman posted:Jim designs an elaborate Rube-Goldberg machine that kicks Dwight in the balls. After three years, the lead engineer (a former Tesla employee who thinks even this poo poo is better than working for Musk) has come up with a Rube Goldberg design where every third step in the chain involves the machine contacting or grazing Dwight's balls, until the cumulation where a mechanical leg kicks him full force dead center in the ball sack. He confidently informs Jim that this is the best they, or any other contractor, will be able to do. Jim reviews three years of work that cost him over a million in engineer salaries and sighs. The next day a dejected Jim comes in super early and simply kicks Dwight in the balls as Dwight is unlocking the office.
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Sep 1, 2022 17:44
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Jim's phone rings and he answers it, but his face quickly drops and the office realizes he's received some sort of terrible news. The phone call ends and Jim stands up. "Uh, guys, I'm sorry. I just got some really bad news about my grandma. She's, oh man, she's not doing good and they think -" Michael cuts Jim off and tells him to leave, as family is always more important than the office. Jim, tears in his eyes, hugs Michael and leaves. Before he goes, he kisses Pam and tells her he'll text her as soon as possible with more information. Jim practically runs to the parking lot, hops in his car, and drives away. As he leaves Dunder Mifflin, Dwight starts organizing a fundraiser to help Jim's family in their time of need. A few miles down the road, Jim pulls into a Mission BBQ. An old woman wearing a t-shirt that says "MY GRANDSON WILL PRANK YOUR rear end" waves and smiles. Jim embraces her. "Grandma! We better hurry, it's almost noon!" Jim and Grandma Halpert head into Mission BBQ just in time to stand up and recite the pledge of allegiance, which is not something I made up for this prank, it's a real thing they do. Jim then orders plate after plate of barbecue which he and his grandma devour like hungry hyenas. "So Grandna, they finally let your old rear end out of the nursing home, huh? I mean, I've heard of Ol' Dirty Bastard, but Ol' Dirty Bitch? Holy smokes, Grandma!" Jim jokes. "Speaking of smoke, this barbecue tastes like poo poo! Why do we keep eating here?" "Because of the jingoism, Grandma, DUH! Wait a minute, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "I think I am," says the old woman with a widening grin, "Jingoism. Jingos. Banjo-Kazooie. We coat Dwight in honey and dump him in a giant anthill?" "Bbbbbzzzzt!" Jim screams as he slams his fist on the table, scattering barbecued meat everywhere, "not even close, ya old bag. We turn Dwight into a pumpkin!" "Oh," says Jim's grandmother, "I guess that's okay. But what's the ending? Dwight just stays a pumpkin forever?" "No, we carve him into a jack o lantern and, get this, we make it my mugging face!" Jim mugs for his grandma, making her smile. She mugs back and Jim smiles as well. "Okay, pretty good one, Jim. Let's get outta here, I'm sure you need to get back to work." "That's the best part, Grandma! I convinced them all you were sick or dying or something, I've got AT LEAST the rest of today off!" Leaving the restaurant, Jim and his Grandma keep laughing and smiling. As they pass by a small child and his mother in the parking lot, Jim leans over. "Hey buddy, did you know a monster lives in your closet and your used to have an older brother until the monster ate him? Just ask your mom!" Jim laughs. When the mother gets angry, Jim's grandma pushes her to the ground and starts cackling like a witch. The child is crying now and Jim, fueled by the torment of another, feels re-invigorated. "I gotta tell ya, Grandma, this was EXACTLY what I needed. I feel like I've been getting dumped on a lot lately. There's this jerk at worked named Charles and, well... nevermind that. C'mon, let's go have a screaming contest at the library!" Jim and his Grandma mug for the camera. Dwight has already raised $7500 for the Halpert Family, assuming that Jim's Grandma will either need long-term medical care or a funeral.
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Sep 1, 2022 17:44
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quote:Jim and Grandma Halpert head into Mission BBQ just in time to stand up and recite the pledge of allegiance, which is not something I made up for this prank, it's a real thing they do. lmao what
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Sep 1, 2022 17:52
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Jim institutes a policy at Famous Original Jim's (the worst pizza place in all of Pennsylvania, maybe the entire East Coast) that twice a day everyone in the restaurant must stand up and recite an oath of allegiance to President Trump. Anyone who refuses the oath will be denied service. The prank on Dwight is that Dwight has to hear about this in the news and slowly starts to develop another ulcer.
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Sep 1, 2022 17:54
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Applewhite posted:Jim institutes a policy at Famous Original Jim's (the worst pizza place in all of Pennsylvania, maybe the entire East Coast) that twice a day everyone in the restaurant must stand up and recite an oath of allegiance to President Trump. Anyone who refuses the oath will be denied service. The local news interviews Jim and asks him, point blank, why he instituted the oath policy. Jim just starts laughing and the camera holds on him, unmoving, for nearly 3 minutes. At the end, Jim wipes away a tear. "Wow, that is one happy pizza shop owner. Coming up at 11, you've heard of the dog days of summer, but the dog CATCHER of summer? Find out what we're talking about, right after this commercial break."
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Sep 1, 2022 18:06
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Jim starts playing the U.S. National Anthem on his phone exactly at noon in the middle of the office. Jim leaps to his feet with his hand over his heart. Andy also leaps to his feet but the other office workers, including Dwight, just look bemused and try to ignore this obvious distraction. Jim takes the names of the people who didn't stand and reports them to Michael. Michael, wearing an "I'm With Her" T-shirt, wrings his hands and calls a meeting to lecture everyone about how "whether you're on the left or the right, we both have one thing in common and that's that we stand for the flag." Michael docks half a day's pay for everyone who didn't stand and warns of more severe penalties for "disrespecting our country." The following day at noon and every day thereafter Jim plays the National Anthem and smirks directly at Dwight the entire time the pair of them are obliged to stand facing one another.
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Sep 1, 2022 18:18
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Jim has himself drawn and quartered in the parking lot. Everyone compliments Phyllis on her new haircut.
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Sep 1, 2022 18:34
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Jim "soups up" his American Flag display at Famous Original Jim's by including a Confederate Flag and a Gadsden Flag. When an irate Dwight questions why Jim, who lives in Pennsylvania, would have a confederate flag on the wall, Jim laughs in his face. "Why, Dwight? You know why. No flag has any meaning to me. I don't respect any nation's borders. I am beyond physical space, Dwight. But I know how you think, balloon boy. Seeing that flag, those splotches of color on a piece of cloth, it truly angers you, doesn't it? It reminds you of the atrocities of man. And, more recently, it reminds you of the fast-growing cancer that has infected this country. You probably grew up thinking Pennsylvania was safe from THAT kind of thing, right? Surely there can't be people THAT bad in Pennsylvania, after all, we're north of the Mason-Dixon line! Well, Dwight, I put the flag up to remind you that humanity will always sink lower than you could imagine. That's why I do everything I do, you loving optimistic bastard. My only reason for existence is to be the antithesis of you, to reflect the cancer that we both know exists deep in the marrow of the skeleton that supports this universe. When a child cries out at night, I am the creature they glimpse for a moment in the corner of their room. When a person cries with despair at the hospital, I am the flatlining EKG machine. And, Dwight, when you think the world finally makes sense again, I am the gelatin around your stapler." Suddenly the phone rings and Jim picks it up. "What the gently caress do you want, fatso? Eh? What the hell is the Rundown Special. We don't have any - oh. Oh god, Charles, I'm sorry. I'm... no, I'm working on it. Y-y-you want a... a summary? A rundown of the rundown? O-o-okay. Yeah, I... sure... let me... just.. uh.... let me grab a piece of paper here. No, it's done. It's definitely -" Dwight doesn't hear any more of the conversation as the door to Famous Original Jim's closes behind him. The sun is shining and Angela pulls up in Dwight's beloved car. "Hey, need a ride home, handsome?" Dwight smiles and hops in. As the car speeds off to Schrute Farms, Little Champion lets out a triumphant screech and follows from the sky, always protecting his beloved family. The drive home takes Dwight past his the orphanage and free hospital that Dwight has funded over the last few years. A dozen children playing outside wave at Dwight, their faces positively glowing with joy. Back at Famous Original Jim's, Jim is fielding another call. "No, I understand I should have filed that - wait. There's a fee for that? Buddy, do you think I'm made of money here? I just had to sell my drat racecar bed, where am I supposed to sleep? In my loving taco truck? Jesus. So you're telling me I can be sued individually by everyone affected? Jesus, man, that's - no. No way. Jail time? For what? Oh. No, no that makes sense, I guess. poo poo." Outside of the failing pizza shop, Cece and Philip wait for their father to close up the shop. They are both carrying sacks filled with oranges.
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Sep 1, 2022 18:35
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Jim kicks Dwight hard in the shin and then douses the prone beet farmer with a gasoline canister. Lighting a match, Jim demands that Dwight apologize for every time he, Dwight, has slighted him, Jim. Dwight tearfully begs for mercy. He knows that Jim vowed to go all out, but this is far too cruel, even for him. Jim watches Dwight cry and grovel for a while, and then admits that the canister was filled with "mostly piss," and that the gasoline smell is a strange side effect of Jim's creepy crawlers-based diet. Jim mugs for the camera as he bites into a gummi scorpion, now with extra benzene.
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Sep 1, 2022 18:57
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Dwight is re-reading the Lord of the Rings over his lunch break and Jim keeps asking why the Fellowship didn't have the Eagles fly the ring into Mount Doom.
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Sep 1, 2022 19:00
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Jim has himself quartered and drawn in the office parking lot. Everyone compliments Pam on her drawing of Jim's mutilated remains.
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Sep 1, 2022 19:01
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Pam quarters and draws Jim in the office parking lot. Everyone compliments Pam on her drawing of Jim's mutilated remains.
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Sep 1, 2022 19:02
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Jim draws a picture of some quarters and gets frustrated when he can't put the drawing inside the vending machine and get a candy bar.
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Sep 1, 2022 19:05
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Jim couldn't think of a good prank that day, and lies awake that night, too frustrated to sleep. There is always the old fallback though. He sneaks onto Dwight's beet fields and pours large bags of salt around. It's tiring work, but the reduced productivity of the soil is a pretty classic prank. He returns home, and mugs for no one, as he is now sleeping soundly and contently.
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Sep 1, 2022 19:17
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Jim detonates an improvised explosive at the church where Dwight was baptized, under the belief that this will prevent Dwight from going to heaven "or something like that".
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Sep 1, 2022 19:17
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Jim asks Elon Musk (dressed as Waluigi) to develop a new, "souped up" version of the zorb. Ten years later, Jim finally receives his brand new Tesla Torb and can't wait to use it in all kinds of pranks. Later that night, the local news runs a story about a mysterious flaming orb currently rampaging across Scranton. The ball is perpetually on fire, and appears to contain a tumbling, burning corpse, completely naked except for a pair of tennis shoes. For some reason, it seems to specifically chase after small children, and cannot be stopped by any means. Thousands of Tesla fans (all of them mugging to the camera in their profile pics) flock to social media to defend the Torb.
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Sep 1, 2022 19:37
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| # ? Jun 4, 2024 18:07 |
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Libra posted:Jim detonates an improvised explosive at the church where Dwight was baptized, under the belief that this will prevent Dwight from going to heaven "or something like that". Angela divorces Dwight over this, lamenting that he is now a "heathen."
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Sep 1, 2022 19:38
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