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More news incoming that may tip me over the edge if it is bad as I see it. Really worried about myself. Last time I went no contact for two weeks barely leaving the flat. Or my bed. |
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Sep 8, 2022 20:50
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Bright Bart posted:More news incoming that may tip me over the edge if it is bad as I see it. Really worried about myself. Last time I went no contact for two weeks barely leaving the flat. Or my bed. i'm very sorry to hear that. hopefully you can tell some people what you think might happen, so someone could check up on you. isolation is a self repeating pattern, you need something from the outside to break it in my experience.
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Sep 8, 2022 21:01
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I went into isolation in June, as I had a bad depressive breakdown, a lovely bigoted thing happening, and lost two cats. I just collapsed completely. in my isolation I pulled away from many things that brought me joy and pleasure because I felt that inevitably, they’ll go away. all of them. so I better beat everyone to the punch. no one can hurt me if I hurt me more. I regret isolating, and vanishing, and feeling like I couldn’t open up safely. I told no one, blocked far too many people out of my life and absolutely incinerated bridges. all to hurt myself, in fear of being hurt by others. don’t do it. pull back, sure, but there are those that care, and care deeply than you’ll ever understand, which I learned in many hard ways, all at once. just let them know that you need to be alone. and you deserve your space, to lick wounds, scream in pillows and cry yourself to delirious dehydration. but know that you also deserve others to be around you to care about you. you deserve care. it’s something I’m trying to learn now
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Sep 8, 2022 21:28
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I had a breakdown after a few supremely lovely things in a row happened in late 2019 and isolated and burned every bridge right before the pandemic started, that's what I regret most. I have literally no IRL people in my life right now except for my family (who I have a rocky relationship with), and I'm in my mid-30s so it's not exactly easy to make new friends, especially with a pandemic, and I can't find a job that pays a survivable amount so I can't exactly go out and be social and do things. I cut every single person out of my life because basically one person was doing things to harm me but I didn't know who and I got super paranoid of everyone and just completely stopped looking at my phone or talking to anyone for several months at a time, and it felt like the world was ending anyway, and now there's no one left. And the bridges I burned included e.g. my ex employer who I worked for for ~5 years and now says I'm "not rehirable" when called by any future prospective employers (because I quit on the spot with no notice, which I did because they stopped paying me for 3 weeks and were acting like I wasn't even registered in their system as an employee  )Anyway teen witch is 100% right. Withdrawing and letting yourself cope in your own safe space is good but really don't cut everyone off completely. Even if all you give them is a little "Hey I'm going through a rough patch and just need some time" text to let them know you're not friend-ghosting them or whatever, that's all it takes sometimes and that's what I wish I did instead of just literally ignoring people for an entire 2 years. deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 22:59 on Sep 8, 2022 |
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Sep 8, 2022 22:56
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Wow sorry you guys went through a really tough time. I want to be happy tomorrow and at least functioning if I am not but my past track record is poor. |
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Sep 8, 2022 23:11
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Bright Bart posted:Wow sorry you guys went through a really tough time. do something, anything that will make you feel bliss, even for a moment, tomorrow. even if it’s material and fleeting. it’ll keep you alive. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JLnC0e5dUU
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Sep 8, 2022 23:15
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hey hope all mh posters are truckin or whatever i made myself keep going outside but idk if that makes me a healthy normal person (lol if only possible) so sometimes i get real low can’t exactly say im a fan of myself im cutting down on the antipsych dose (don’t freak out, just a reduction). ive been crying a lil and taking that as a good sign. crying is infinitely superior to not being able to in my humble point of view been ingesting less thc but some today but I’ve been wanting to cut down on anything possible i hope all y’all hang in there and lots of love if I may internetly convey that
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Sep 8, 2022 23:59
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Didn't get news today. Maybe Monday. |
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Sep 9, 2022 17:34
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I'm such a big child this weekend. I didn't get bad news so I'm not as stressed. Even though the news may come tomorrow. And I maybe focuced a bit too much on the withdrawal aspects. I also didn't take care of myself for over two weeks when I last got bad news. Crying into pillows would have been an upgrade. I realize I'm making myself the centre of everything but I just really, really hope it turns out okay. |
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Sep 11, 2022 16:35
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hey wassup bb vent away here as honourary op (cuz I made this thread while crazy) i say it’s totally chillin liiiike everyone’s mental health war is like their main preoccupation which makes sense idk how I’ve been doing I’ve obviously been melting down again but I’m trying I hope all ur poo poo turns out ok 
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Sep 11, 2022 18:19
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baka fwocka fwame posted:hey wassup bb vent away here as honourary op (cuz I made this thread while crazy) i say it’s totally chillin liiiike everyone’s mental health war is like their main preoccupation which makes sense I thank you for making this thread. I still had a breakdown while posting here but it's so nice to have it available. And from discord it's not obvious my dude so if you want to egest then do so! |
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Sep 11, 2022 18:26
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My case will only go to the Commission at the end of the month. |
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Sep 12, 2022 15:01
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warning stoned rambling ahead I'm depressive and tend to fixate, and have been in that awful zone where those two things play off of each other for a couple weeks, but was able to get my head above water for a second tonight and remind myself that the part of me that feels bad about a lot of things is valid, and deserves introspection, but it is not the whole me, just one of many many parts of me, and maybe that's an obvious statement but also i completely understand how drat easy it can be to lose sight of that. so if you are also feeling a little too submerged in yourself I hope for you to keep that in mind and be kind to yourself. sorry if this is basic or inapplicable or preachy frump truck fucked around with this message at 05:26 on Sep 14, 2022 |
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Sep 14, 2022 05:11
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I think that’s a valid af or whatever post I’m struggling cuz I see my sitch as like incredibly complicated and I think that post gets near what I’m feeling unchecked intro can be like a sinkhole into the dark morasses of the mind like if u put urself under a microscope you’ll see all the flaws in your soul or psyche or whatever they always seem glaringly obvious, unforgivable and highly apparent bb I’m rooting for u
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Sep 14, 2022 14:32
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im so tired how do i not be tired |
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Sep 14, 2022 22:18
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Scuba Trooper posted:im so tired how do i not be tired I've been wondering this, the secret appears to be "survive until 8 PM" |
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Sep 14, 2022 22:24
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Song stuck in my head but I don't play it because it wouldn't hit right. Thanks anhedonia! Anyways, thank you for coming to my pity party. Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 00:34 on Sep 16, 2022 |
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Sep 16, 2022 00:28
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Bright Bart posted:Anyways,thank you for coming to my pity party. thank you for the invite, you always throw such soirées. you have a standing invite to mine since I’m quite fond of your presence here, anhedonia or not. sometimes we rent a bouncy house (it is filled with blankets to take a depression nap) today I had a good day entirely due to me getting a ton of things done. is it due to the Wellbutrin sssslloowly kicking in? possibly but for once I’m going to force myself to give myself a small win for my own self. it feels like needles are going into the pit behind my knees doing so but this is somehow good for me to do, mentally.
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Sep 16, 2022 00:38
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today's my birthday. i am thirty five now, i guess. i have a weird relationship to celebrating birthdays because we moved a lot when i was young, and being the new kid and then immediately having a birthday doesn't really lend itself to parties. also a girl i loved dumped me two birthdays in a row when i was 18 and 19. ANYWAYS do i think i am doing that well lately? no, not really. am i doing extremely poorly? no, not really. i don't know. my sister asked me what i was going to do to celebrate my birthday and i told her that because i have no obligations or responsibilities every day is like my birthday, and i wasn't really sure how to make today more special, and that i was mostly worried about nothing mega negative happening that makes today suck as opposed to making today extra good or whatever. i am at the point with my mental illness where the ways i can do better are all known to me and at my fingertips, and now it's a question of how good of a life do i even think i deserve. for some reason, and i am not alone in this i know, i don't feel like i deserve a good life. being born white and male and cis is already a huge advantage and i need to remember that i'm allowed to want a life that i like and is good. i don't need to suffer for mine or my ancestors sins. anyways i spent most of today talking to friends and family and that was really nice. when i moved here, and the pandemic started, i really drastically closed ranks. i hate facebook but i went from having the maximum amount of friends from some work with an arts collective and a life lived, to like 80 people i actually know and love, and of that 80 or whatever i regularly talk to maybe 7? i am an introvert by nature so living in isolation is what i like and have aimed for, but i am starting to think i've folded inwards too much. i don't really know a lot of people in my town, and am afraid of knowing more people because then i am no longer free of responsibility and obligation. some thoughts. even if i'm not posting in here i am reading every new post and thinking about them, and spending a portion of my energy hoping for a better future for all of us. Bright Bart posted:Song stuck in my head but I don't play it because it wouldn't hit right. i have this same relationship with certain stories. in the wrong time they would be bitter to my tongue.
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Sep 16, 2022 00:40
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happy birthday my friend  fwiw i hope you come to internalize that you deserve to be happy and that when you're ready to reach out to other people know that you have a lot to offer. i think with everything that's gone on the last few years it's been easy to disconnect socially, especially for those of us who are introverted and there's no shame in taking your time to branch out again.anyways i for one feel grateful to have you as a posting pal 
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Sep 16, 2022 17:32
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happy birthday! i can definitely see how easy it can be to fall into that thinking of not deserving a good life. but you certainly do deserve to thrive and have as good as a life as you want. i know hearing a random internet stranger say so may not do much, but just know that you are just as deserving of joy as anyone else, and i hope you find those things that spark joy and are able to fill your life with them, come what may. unrelated, but i had an almost kindabutnotreally panic attack (i think its called an anxiety assault?) while on a difficult contact. i then had to get support from someone who in the past reacted very negatively to me when i'm putting out a lot of energy. happy or panicking, i tend to lose track of my volume and can just get stifling with the intensity i let lose, whether thats intense joy, intense anger, or intense fear. i got the support i needed, and apologized via teams for the bad vibes, and surprisingly got validation that i had nothing to apologize for and that i seemed fairly calm despite absolutely not feeling that way. i always worry to with sharing frustration outside of specific meetings due to the work i do, but he validated that frustration. so... kind of a mixed bag? i think the burnout may be creeping in, so now i need to convince myself to take some time off. i may shoot my supe an email asking to glance at the schedule to see when a good time to take a few days off would be. i just got out of a very stressful month where i could very plausibly become homeless with my pc breaking, removing a lot of self-care options or adding additional barriers to them, so that certainly doesn't help. |
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Sep 17, 2022 05:46
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I giggled and laughed in a way that I haven’t in some time last night. I’m now going to scrutinize every possible way I, in fact, did not deserve to have fun and feel nice, as everything good that happens to me is actually an elaborate ruse. in this novel, I’ll
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Sep 19, 2022 07:53
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teen witch posted:I giggled and laughed in a way that I haven’t in some time last night. The best thing I've found after those moments of levity during a rough stretch are that it's great if I can appreciate that they happen but doesn't help if I try to recreate them and doesn't help to over analyze how they happened. Sometimes the most helpful thing is to just remember that those moments have happened, and they will happen again and I just have to leave myself open for the opportunity. |
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Sep 19, 2022 17:12
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lol a single issue with my landlord has me spiraling out of control and now ive been googling how to get a rental with no money and poo poo credit after being evicted. the thing is, nothing has even happened yet, i just go straight to worst case scenarios and it's impossible for me to stop. on one side, I'm so burned out that ~right now~ I feel calm. however, in 15 minutes I could be a lunatic inside. anyway, I'm gonna get high as gently caress and drop out of life until the panic of tomorrow sets in. |
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Sep 24, 2022 00:21
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Sarah Cenia posted:lol a single issue with my landlord has me spiraling out of control and now ive been googling how to get a rental with no money and poo poo credit after being evicted. the thing is, nothing has even happened yet, i just go straight to worst case scenarios and it's impossible for me to stop. sounds like a plan and sincere condolences on living situation fuckery. please post up about this later if ur feelin it I hope everything’s chillin over there
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Sep 24, 2022 06:19
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i've spent the last few days in the depressed void, and last night instead i started being real angry about things, and while being real angry kinda sucks it was definitely preferable to feeling nothing today's ok so far
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Sep 24, 2022 14:14
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my ED has reared it’s ugly head and I went back to some horrible habits this week. I’m not proud, but it happens. I’m always going to be “in recovery”, and I’m happy I finally snapped a bit more out of it. I don’t like worrying my partner like that, because he noticed immediately that something wasn’t right. I finally came clean to him today that I was measuring, counting calories, and depriving myself the past few days, and I realized I was sort of addicted to the insane amount of control I had? I feel a bit more relieved, but I’m still on shaky ground with myself. I am petrified of gaining weight on this new IUD, so yes, I’m going to be mindful of what I eat, but I can’t have 800 calorie days again.
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Sep 24, 2022 14:40
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I've been struggling with a lot lately, particularly with my ED stuff too precisely because of the level of control I feel and feelings of "punishment" needed. I am under doctor care again and I'm waiting to see the verdict on if I go to the hospital for a stay or get to stay home. I know it's related to external stress and a lot of internal fear and anxiety about being where I'm at. |
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Sep 24, 2022 17:54
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Sorry for everyone going through though times. Today there is a light show going on downtown and I was meant to go with a group. Attended pre-show pizza but just could go on. Normally music and spectacle make me happy but right now it just brings home how my stress & feeling down is removing that possibility. |
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Sep 24, 2022 21:30
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So I want to say that I have received excellent news regarding my return to work and as a consequence I am now... almost... HAPPY! For the first time in a long time I am enjoying music. |
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Oct 6, 2022 21:19
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Bright Bart posted:So I want to say that I have received excellent news regarding my return to work and as a consequence I am now... almost... HAPPY! whats your current jam?
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Oct 6, 2022 21:31
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Justice. |
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Oct 6, 2022 21:33
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DVNO reminds me of college and I could shake the body rn but I am painting! For Mental Health! can’t d.a.n.c.e! painting has been a nice solace since I lost my girls and had my whole nervy b. I’m still deeply shaken with grief, but I’m trying to work through it. but hooray I get to see both sides of my family the next two weeks and this won’t be tremendously stressful at all!!!!!! please ask more about my tattoos religious relatives I will totally give you a nice answer!!!!
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Oct 6, 2022 21:39
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Bright Bart posted:Justice.  i heard this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mtd24QIBJ5Y recently and now have a whole band to look into
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Oct 6, 2022 21:41
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Bright Bart posted:So I want to say that I have received excellent news regarding my return to work and as a consequence I am now... almost... HAPPY! omgomgomg thats great news!!!!  I know how much that was weighing you down so I am so happy to hear it!!
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Oct 6, 2022 22:19
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good stuff bb |
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Oct 7, 2022 22:51
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Bright Bart posted:So I want to say that I have received excellent news regarding my return to work and as a consequence I am now... almost... HAPPY! congratulations bart, I am so happy to hear it!
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Oct 7, 2022 23:19
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Manifisto posted:congratulations bart, I am so happy to hear it! |
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Oct 7, 2022 23:35
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very happy for you Bart, honestly the return of small pleasures when you’ve been under a ton of stress is a thing to be savored and celebrated. I hope it’s only the first of many.
Gruß vom Krampus |
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Oct 8, 2022 04:09
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thank u deep dish peat moss for the sig 
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to vent a very little in a place I feel is much more chill than e/n: over the past few weeks I’ve been mulling the fact that my parents have kept a lot of poo poo from me my whole life and it’s done me way more harm than good. mom, just because I “had a sense of humor” and “was so verbal” did not give you the right to dismiss the word of an actual specialist who told you I was on the autism spectrum in the loving late 80s. it’s the kind of thing that makes you mad a parent is deceased because you’ll never get to yell at them again. (I mean you can but it’s not satisfying)
Gruß vom Krampus |
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Oct 8, 2022 04:28
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