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“Yes, I’d like to rent a helicopter today. Pickup time? Oh, how about 9:11 am? And return time? Do you need one of those? Because, honestly, I - well, never mind. Just say 5 pm. It doesn’t matter. Listen, how many explosives can I fit into this thing, you know, in terms of weight but also also size. Okay, great, thank you! Now one last question, you have my name, right? It’s Dwight. Dwight K Schrute.” Jim mugs for the camera. Miles away, Dwight’s peaceful breakfast is interrupted as a flashbang grenade is tossed through his window.
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Sep 11, 2022 15:45
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| # ? May 30, 2024 20:23 |
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Jim rebuilds the World Trade Center just to blow it up again on 9/11, 2022 but this time by crashing a pair of beets into the towers. Beets' magical superfood qualities work against them in this instance, as beet oil does burn hot enough to melt steel beams. A firestorm of anti-beet sentiment sweeps the US. Jim mugs for the camera in front of an American flag backdrop.
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Sep 11, 2022 15:55
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Beets are heretofore known as “French potatoes”
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Sep 11, 2022 16:24
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Dwight fields a call informing him that a bi-plane has struck the first of his two silos on the farm, but as he's in the middle of reading to Angela's pre-school class, he's unsure how to re-act.
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Sep 11, 2022 17:08
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Jim builds a “replica” of the twin towers in his front yard, made out of clown paper. The highly unstable nature of clown paper caused the towers to burst into flame and then collapse. Neighbors, calling the whole thing “disrespectful”, demand an apology from Jim. “You know what I think? Dwight did this, in some kind of controlled demolition. Just look at Building 7!” Jim points at his work shed, which suddenly bursts into flame. “Let’s get Dwight and make him pay!” Jim begins a 20 year war with Dwight over this, despite the fact that the shed fire was caused by Jim’s pizza oven being set to “hotter than hot” and running all night “to burn out the germs”. When Dwight finally negotiated a cease fire decades later, Jim says it was “the stupidest war we ever had and Dwight bungled it so terribly”, then mugs for the camera.
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Sep 11, 2022 17:33
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Jim takes hypnosis lessons, and causes Dwight to forget 9/11
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Sep 11, 2022 17:37
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Jim posts an endless stream of incomprehensible Minions memes "in honor of 9/11." When Dwight complains, Michael (wearing a "Never Forget" t-shirt) scolds Dwight for being "disrespectful." Jim emails Dwight a picture of a smirking Minion next to the words "I never forgot. Did you?"
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Sep 11, 2022 18:42
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Jim hacks into Dwight’s Twitter account and posts that he has information that will lead to the arrest of Jimary Halpert (who is currently running on anti-beet xenophobic paranoia for his re-election campaign for assistant dog catcher).
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Sep 11, 2022 21:32
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Jim hacks into Dwight’s DNA and changes his genetic information to that of Jimary Halpert (who is currently running on anti-beet xenophobic paranoia for his re-election campaign for assistant dog catcher).
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Sep 12, 2022 00:05
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Jim plows his Minions-themed Tesla racecart through Dwight at a crosswalk, leaving an unidentifiable corpse. The county runs a DNA test to identify the body. The smeared genetic information is found to match that of Jimary Halpert (who is currently running on anti-beet xenophobic paranoia for his re-election campaign for assistant dog catcher). This launches a thousand conspiracy theories that somehow cause Jim to be re-elected despite his abysmal incumbent performance. “Vape batteries can’t mash French potatoes” becomes the rallying cry of Jim’s victory speech.
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Sep 12, 2022 00:15
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Jim and Dwight are sent down to the warehouse to help the overworked crew pack several rush orders of paper. Jim keeps telling the staff that Dwight “has some weird ideas about America being The Great Satan”, but nobody pays much attention. After all, Dwight helped organize their union just a few months ago and negotiated a 25% pay raise and increase in PTO hours. This irritates Jim, who asks Dwight to help open up a box. When Dwight pulls out his box cutter to open the box, Jim screams. “HE’S GOT A BOX CUTTER!” Jim tackles Dwight to the ground and kicks the box cutter away, then keeps yelling “Let’s roll!” As the police take Jim away he keeps screeching that he “prevented another 9/11” and demands “full respect”. Three weeks later, Jim appears in a campaign ad for Mehmet Oz, in which the two mean celebrate “preventing 9/11 part 2”. Jim mugs for the camera, prompting Dwight to turn off his TV.
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Sep 12, 2022 01:47
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Jim finds a mustard color shirt and thick rimmed glasses while shopping at K-Mart, and decided to play a prank by dressing like Dwight and mimicking his idiosyncrasies at work. That night Jim finds himself standing in front of the bathroom mirror. first, softly, "i am dwight". then, louder "i am dwight" and even louder "i. am. dwight!" the cat comes in. she is hungry but there is no food
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Sep 12, 2022 02:22
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Jim turns into a slime and stains Dwight's carpet.
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Sep 12, 2022 03:14
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Jim turns into a slime and engulfs Dwight's stapler.
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Sep 12, 2022 03:28
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"Jim turns into a slime and wins the republican nomination." The craven and feckless Michael Scott, dressed in his "I'm with Her" T-Shirt, smiles at the caption he has written for his latest political cartoon. "Yes." he thinks to himself, "This is really going to change some minds."
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Sep 12, 2022 09:29
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following a hasty red-eye flight across the atlantic, jim stands in the street and loudly boos dwight's coffin as it makes its way from edinburgh dwight isn't actually dead, he's just taking advantage of low oak costs and preparing in advance. he turns away from the TV in embarrassment as jim yells "THE ONLY THING DWIGHT'S STIFF BODY SHOULD BE INSIDE OF IS ME" to the approaching police
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Sep 12, 2022 09:34
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Jim sprays Cal-Blue micro gas leak detector into Dwight's face. Dwight, shocked, wipes his face and starts saying "Jim what the hell" and Jim sprays Tap Magic EP-XTRA cutting fluid onto Dwight's teeth. Dwight, noticing Jim reaching for the bottle of Loctite 243, turns around and runs.
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Sep 12, 2022 13:48
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Jim collects millions of unused AOL "free hours" CDs, telling Dwight that he's "effectively got free internet for life". "Betcha wish you figured out this scheme, huh? Mr. Frugal over here, wearing the same outfit for the last 20 years." Dwight looks down. Has it really been that long? The mustard yellow shirt is classic, sure, but maybe it's time to change things up a bit. Dwight makes a mental note to "soup up" his wardrobe this weekend. As the week drags on, Jim constantly mentions the "secrets of the internet" and talks about "surfing the web" as if he's never experienced the internet before. Dwight just ignores this, except for a double take when Jim mentions buying some "monkey food for Chips" from Pets.com. That weekend, Dwight heads to the Scranton mall to update his wardrobe. Angela is extremely excited on the drive over, mentioning that she'd love to see Dwight in "something with a v-neck" or "something blue". Dwight smiles at his beloved wife but his happiness soon turns to confusion as he pulls into the mall parking lot. The entire mall is a ghost town without a single person in the parking lot. Dwight cautiously heads inside, dodging a tumbleweed made of Auntie Anne's pretzels. He reaches a lone mall patron, a woman in a stained Hot Topic t-shirt. She looks at Dwight with a sad look in her eyeliner-lined eyes. "You didn't hear? Online shopping, Dwight. It's all the rage now, ever since that new internet provider started sending free CDs out to everyone." Dwight already knows the answer, but asks anyway. Who is this new internet provider? "Jimerica Online. What, you haven't gotten a disc in the mail yet?" Dwight sighs and heads home, explaining to Angela that Jim has once again destroy brick and mortar shopping in the United States. As they pull into their driveway, the mailbox explodes (as if perfectly timed), launching CDs everywhere. Each one has Jim's smug face on it. At Jimerica Online HQ, Jim sits in his racecar bed. It's almost time to cause the .jim crash, and Jim can't stop smiling.
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Sep 12, 2022 13:57
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Dwight forgets to lock his computer when he steps up to retrieve a document from the printer. Jim leans over, goes to Outlook, and emails the entire office from Dwight's account claiming that in honor of the 420th anniversary of Biff Beetington's maiden voyage to deliver salt and slavery to the indigenous people of Cuba, Dwight would bring in donuts tomorrow for everyone
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Sep 12, 2022 14:23
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on an unrelated adventure, dwight befriends an anthropomorphic Polaroid. the device gangles around on cartoonish legs ending in big black boots, and its two rubbery arms terminate in a pair of mickey-mouse-esque white gloves. despite their physical differences, the two get along famously, with dwight's earthy and wry personality perfectly complementing the Polaroid's more goofy sense of humour. dwight is named the godfather of the Polaroid's child, and happily poses for his friend to take a picture, holding a swaddled box of film as it fitfully squalls a newborn's cry. one morning after an evening's drinking, dwight receives a panicked call from the Polaroid's wife. he - the Polaroid - didn't come home last night. with a sinking feeling, dwight calls the police, and his fears are borne out as, several hours later, the body of the Polaroid is found slumped in a Scranton alley, dead of multiple stab wounds. numb, dwight does his best to provide for the Polaroid's family. the police call again the next week, asking dwight if he'd mind reviewing the security footage from the shop across the way from the scene of the stabbing. as the footage rolls, dwight watches the Polaroid weave his way drunkenly down the alley, a floppy-haired man sauntering after him. there's a break in the footage, and when it returns, the man is holding a knife out towards the Polaroid, clearly demanding something that the Polaroid is reluctant to give. dwight turns away in tears, as jim mugs the camera
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Sep 12, 2022 14:30
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Jim takes a Polaroid of himself pranking Dwight. "Take a picture, it will last longer," he says to himself, loudly, gazing directly forward, eye contact with no one.
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Sep 12, 2022 18:15
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Jim takes a polaroid of Dwight and laughs maniacally. "Hey Dwight take a picture, it'll last longer!" Dwight brushes off Jim's asinine remark. He doesn't realize it at the time but Dwight begins to age backwards.
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Sep 12, 2022 18:21
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Jim walks into the bathroom and sneaks up behind Dwight at the urinal, and he pushes Dwight causing him to stumble forward and pee all over his own shoes
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Sep 12, 2022 18:24
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Michael Scott's "I'm with her shirt," by wont of its accumulated static cling from proximity to women, becomes a literal "chick magnet," drawing beautiful and sophisticated women to him every time he goes outside. It is walking on roses for Michael, and nothing goes bad for him ever again.
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Sep 12, 2022 18:25
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FunkyAl posted:Michael Scott's "I'm with her shirt," by wont of its accumulated static cling from proximity to women, becomes a literal "chick magnet," drawing beautiful and sophisticated women to him every time he goes outside. It is walking on roses for Michael, and nothing goes bad for him ever again. Then Michael wakes up in his empty apartment decorated with 500k dollars worth of assorted action figures, toys, videogames and whatnot.
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Sep 12, 2022 18:30
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Space Kablooey posted:Then Michael wakes up in his empty apartment decorated with 500k dollars worth of assorted action figures, toys, videogames and whatnot. Michael Scott returns to his job as salesman at the best buy. Tonight he is going to play poker with his friends Seth Rogen and I think Paul rudd.
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Sep 12, 2022 18:31
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FunkyAl posted:Michael Scott returns to his job as salesman at the best buy. Tonight he is going to play poker with his friends Seth Rogen and I think Paul rudd. As the game goes on, as Michael Scott and the others start recounting their love escapades, and as Michael is trying to bluff his way talking about boobs, a crash can be heard at the entrance of the store, and everyone hides, scared. "Look Dwight, this is serious, and I just know he's here.", one male voice speaks out. This voice is familiar to Michael "Yeah you've lost Michael for a week now! I know this is serious" another familiar voice responds. "I just hope for your sake he is here. We've gone to Colorado in the middle of nowhere asking for some Space Force? Come on Jim, you can do better than that." "It's not my fault that -". The voice cuts off as Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Romany Malco charge the invaders, but due to Dwight's top physical shape and Jim's trickery they all go down in a flash, leaving Michael Scott cowering under the poker table. As the dust settles, Dwight and Jim see a coward, feckless Michael wearing an ugly polo shirt hiding under the table, and as soon as the duo realizes who's there, they rush to his (Michael's) rescue. "Finally! It's you Michael! I'm so sorry to put you up to this, I meant to send Dwight to another universe, but if wasn't you eating his beet sandwich wrapped in Clown Paper, this wouldn't have happened to you", Jim frantically tries to explain the situation. "Don't blame him, Jim! It's your mess and I didn't even need to help you with th-", Dwight tries to interject but he (Dwight) is cut off by Michael. "Whoa! Stop there! I'm not Michael and my name is Andy, An-dy! I don't know either of you and you have so much explaining to do.". "There's no time to explain, we have to get you out of here! They could be here at any moment now.", Dwight exclaims while hurrying Michael towards the back of the store. "Who's they?", Michael asks. Jim's face goes dark and he just half-whispers: "The producers." Dwight feels a chill down his spine. "They want to cancel the show, and this movie.", Dwight explains. "What do you mean this mo-" Michael is cut off while an explosions catches up to the trio and sends them flying high, and everything goes dark. Michael wakes up in a big bed, with his wife, Lisa Kudrow. As he wakes up, a couple of strange guys break into his bedroom...
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Sep 12, 2022 18:56
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Jim takes a Polaroid of Dwight, pranking him by stealing part of his soul.
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Sep 12, 2022 22:35
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Jim buttchugs a mixture of heroin and Lysol to teach Dwight a lesson about respecting bathroom policies.
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Sep 12, 2022 22:53
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Jim plays Green Day’s “Time Of Your Life” at maximum volume while sobbing over the corpse of a Tiny Jim who drowned while trying to pee in Dwight’s coffee.
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Sep 12, 2022 22:55
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Jim spends his day smoking clove cigarettes and talking about the hidden meaning behind Bob Dylan’s lyrics. Michael, wearing a Minions themed Hilary Clinton tshirt, watches fecklessly, unable to do anything about Jim’s refusal to work.
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Sep 12, 2022 23:03
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At Tiny Jim's funeral (buried in a shoebox behind the warehouse), Dwight is forced to play "Time of Your Life" on his recorder by Michael (wearing a "RIP Notorious TJH" t-shirt, with a discordant picture of Ruth Bader Ginsberg wearing a crown).
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Sep 12, 2022 23:37
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Jim replaces his left arm below the elbow with a "Prank-Buster", a supposed "super-weapon" capable of firing multiple projectiles to help aid him in his pranks. Unfortunately Jim chose to perform this surgery himself and very quickly develops a terrible infection. When Dwight offers to take Jim to his (Dwight's) free clinic, Jim laughs it off. "It's supposed to do that, Dwight. It's supposed to be really itchy and red. And yes, it's supposed to be warm to the touch, IDIOT!" Jim threatens to hit Dwight with a blast from his Prank-Buster, so Dwight decides to just get back to work. The next day, Jim's eyes have a cloudy film over them and his entire left arm appears to be suffering from a terrible infection, as it's swollen and red. Dwight again offers to help Jim, causing Jim to vomit in anger and demand Dwight "stop breaking HIPPA laws". Jim passes away that night, his body exploding into dots of energy that launch out in all directions from his corpse. One of the dots smugly breaks through Dwight's kitchen window, forcing Dwight to replace the glass the next day.
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Sep 13, 2022 00:25
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Michaels fecklessness reaches new heights after he (Michael) agrees to Jim’s argument that he (Michael) needs to respect “both sides” during the annual 9/11 memorial picnic. An irritated Dwight has to sit through Jims 45-minute skit memorializing Osama bin Laden, including two musical numbers.
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Sep 13, 2022 01:24
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Michael (wearing an “I’m with
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Sep 13, 2022 02:45
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This thread has completely ruined the Office for me
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Sep 13, 2022 04:16
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Upgrade posted:This thread has completely redeemed the Office for me
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Sep 13, 2022 05:31
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dwight glumly stares out the window into the carpark as jim dresses his, dwight's, car in custom-made lingerie and superglues it in place
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Sep 13, 2022 10:06
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Jim puts a live octopus in the urinal at work, forcing Dwight to try and relocate the cephalopod and save its life. While Dwight is busy doing this, Jim puts a tack on Dwight’s seat. “Oh, I think he’ll get the POINT!” Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 13, 2022 10:22
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| # ? May 30, 2024 20:23 |
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Dwight sits down and feels the tack enter his buttocks for the third time today. Rather than leap up in pain, Dwight simply begins to cry. Ugly cry. The cries of an utterly broken man who's been pushed to, and beyond, his breaking point by a childish coworker and an apathetic manager. While Dwight weeps, a remorseful looking Jim rises from his seat and pats Dwight on the shoulder. "There there big guy, there there. Don't cry Dwight. Your behavior is... shocking" From Jim's free hand comes the all too familiar sound of the taser's electric whine as it charges up.
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Sep 13, 2022 10:34
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