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Jim, who just saw Jurassic Park and who's favorite dinosaur is the triceratops and who's favorite color is red, stands up from his desk and loudly proclaims "hey everyone if Dwight was a dinosaur he'd be a Tyrannosaurus Dork!" The classroom erupts into uproarious laughter, while Dwight shamefully lowers his head and shuffles his feet. Mr. Scott tries to calm the rambunctious kids down, but it's clear he's stifling laughter.
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Sep 19, 2022 18:18
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| # ? May 31, 2024 00:09 |
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Jim starts shuffling a deck of cards at his desk. He starts moving faster and faster, the cards eventually becoming a blur between his deftly moving hands. "You know, Balloon Boy, when I was a kid I studied sleight of hand with a local magician. The Great Zoltini. He was an old man and his hands would shake most of the time, but not when he started working with the cards. Oh no, for those few precious moments he was 20 years old again, wowing the crowds at the Scranton Harbor. He'd make the cards dance from finger to finger!" With that, Jim flexes a few of his long fingers, causing the cards to leap and bounce from hand to hand. All the while, his expression never changes. He flexes another finger and a card launches into the sky, then carefully drifts back down into the rapidly shuffling deck. A raised knuckle causes the King of Hearts to fly into its matching Queen. The two lovers twirl momentarily before falling back into Jim's hands. "But, like all things, even his magic had an end. One day, I came over after school to continue my training. The door was locked but, thankfully, I had a spare key. And I found Zoltini slumped over in a chair. Of course, he didn't really look like the Great Zoltini any more. No, he was just Charles Zolinsky, failed stage magician and struggling magic shop owner. Just one of life's funny pranks, I guess, that we all have these high ambitions and dreams but they rarely amount to very much in the end. " Jim spreads his fingers and the cards all fall in a pile on his desk. "You know, if I wasn't such a well-adjusted kid, finding that body MIGHT have been really traumatic. But I was used to death by that point, it wasn't really scary any more. Anyway, I bring this story up because I finally mastered his final trick, the one he never got to fully teach me. It took me a LONG time, Balloon Boy, which is why you're only hearing this story now. Decades to learn one dumb card trick, what a laugh! But it's a good trick, that's fair enough. Would you like to see it?" Dwight feels a drop of sweat run down the back of his neck. He carefully stands up and backs away from Jim, never losing eye contact, as if he's escaping a deadly viper. Jim just smiles at him the entire time, until Dwight finally closes the office door and escapes down the stairs. Jim grins in a talking head segment. "Nah I just made that all up. But would YOU like to know how I learned to shuffle cards like that?" Jim leers at the boom mic operator and reaches into his pocket for a deck of cards. "It all started with my Dad. You see, he LOVED to gamble with his drinking buddies. The problem is, he was terrible at it! And boy oh boy, did he take it out on me when he had a bad night at the table. Y'see, he'd start shuffling those cards but he was all butterfingers on account of his best friend, Mr. Jack Daniels!" Jim's voice begins to fade as the rest of the camera crew escapes from the conference room, leaving the boom mic operator alone with Jim.
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Sep 19, 2022 18:19
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Jim replaces all the jellybeans at Pam's desk with tiny planets, shrunk down with Jim's Shrink Ray. "Hey Dwight, you gotta try the strawberry ones. They're AWESOME!" Dwight swallows a red "jellybean", unknowingly devouring the Planet Zeburiak and the 3.7 billion unique lifeforms on that world. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 19, 2022 18:33
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"Five letters... Starts with M... A kind of fly or insect... Huh..." Dwight mutters without looking up from his crossword puzzle. "It's 'midge,' you dumb rear end in a top hat. Wait! No! It's spelled M-I-D-" Jim is interrupted by his prompt banishment back to his own dimension. Dwight mugs the camera, having freed earth once again by tricking Jim into saying his name backwards.
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Sep 19, 2022 18:46
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Spring-heeled Jim strikes again, robbing a convenience store at gunpoint, nude except for a balaclava and moon boots. Authorities are baffled when the shaky clerk gives an account of the robbery. "Yeah, he sticks us all up at gunpoint, but does he take anything from the register? No. All he wants is our entire stock of Moon Pies!" The next day, Dwight walks into the office only to get splatted in the face by a moon pie. "Moon face, meet MOON PIE! Get it?" laughs Jim before whipping the next Moon Pie at Dwight's nards.
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Sep 19, 2022 20:06
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The Simpsons has just wrapped on its 41st season. Playing the same characters for forty one years has taken an extreme physical and mental toll on the voice actors. After staying in character for seventy two straight hours without sleep, Nancy Cartwright actually believes herself to be Bart Simpson. Julie Kavner doesn't speak except to record lines. The doctors say she can only speak twenty thousand more words before her vocal chords fall out. The less said about Dan Castellaneta the better. In a desperate bid to escape from the living hell in which they're trapped, the actors demand exorbitant sums of money before signing on for season 42. There's no way even Disney will pay such an outrageous salary. The heads of the board of directors all turn to the shadowy figure at the end of the table. His face is hidden in shadows, there's no distinguishing features except for the floppy silhouette of his hair. "Pay them whatever they want," says the figure in a screechy, high-pitched voice. Not a single one of the current crop of Disney executives has seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit but if they had, the voice would remind them uncomfortably of Judge Doom's "toon" form. The weeping voice actors renew their contracts. Later, Dwight reads in the news that The Simpsons has been renewed for season 42. Dwight remembers how much joy the show used to bring him and feels a twinge of sadness at how the studios have beaten the once-beloved property to death. Jim leans back so that he's partially hidden in shadow and smirks for the camera.
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Sep 19, 2022 20:35
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Jim arrives to work a little late. He appears hungover and tired. He isn't really talking much, he just says hello, and sits at his desk and gets to work. There is no banter or jokes. It's just normal boring office work. Dwight is becoming increasingly suspicious of the lack of pranks and comedy quips. Halfway though the day, Dwight cannot stand it anymore, and launches up from his desk pointing an accusatory finger at Jim and yells "I know you're up to something!" Jim makes the quiet hand sign on his lips and points to the phone he is talking to a client on and waves him off. Jim completes the sales call and resumes doing computer stuff. Nothing weird or dramatic happens. It's just a normal boring office. As 5 PM approaches and people are packing up to go home, Dwight is visibly nervous and agitated and slams his hands down to confront Jim about the prank he is surely plotting. Jim responds "Look man, just, not today, okay? Have a good one. See you tomorrow." Dwight spends the night sitting in a chair outside his front door, vigilant, wielding his grandmother's pitchfork. Mose is assigned patrol duty of the beet fields. Nothing happens. The sun begins to rise and Dwight realizes he needs to get to work, but he is so physically exhausted by the sleep deprivation and constant stress, he calls in for a sick day for the first time in his life, and finally goes to bed, but is constantly woken by nightmares. Sometimes the best prank is no prank at all. Jim doesn't say this. He just shrugs at the camera.
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Sep 19, 2022 21:02
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While driving to work, Jim finds a dead deer on the side of the road. He slams on his breaks so hard that they smoke and his car fishtails, and causes a small pileup of cars behind him. Jim takes no notice as he drags the decaying corpse by the hoof, opens his passenger side door, and shoves the carcass into his Ford Fiesta. "Oh boy here I go pranking again! I just love pranking people!" he says to himself. The flies and the smell don't seem to bother Jim. After work, he rushes to leave before Dwight and makes it to Dwight's farm, where he proceeds to throw the rotten corpse down Dwight's drinking water well. "Well well well, it was nice knowing you" he says with a sly grin
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Sep 19, 2022 21:19
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Dwight begins finding teeth in unexpected places. It started with a molar in his shirt breast pocket. Then a wisdom tooth in his coffee mug. He noticed Jim was unusually silent, and figured Jim was simply pulling out his own teeth and leaving them for Dwight to find, as an unsettling prank. But Dwight remained unshook. That was until he ordered lunch and went to retrieve his wallet from his back pocket, and he felt the teeth. He pulled out what must have been hundreds of human teeth. Disgusted and horrified, Dwight went back to the office and confronted Jim. "What is this!" he demanded. "Jim what's going on! Whose teeth are these!?" Dwight slams a handful of teeth down onto the desk, they clatter and roll everywhere. Jim looks up and smiles. "What's the matter Dwight? You seem a little worked up. What teeth?" Dwight looks down and sees no teeth. Only gravel. Confused he reaches into his pocket, and pulls out another first of gravel. "I... I don't know. I'm sorry Jim I think I need to go home." In a floating head interview segment, Jim laughs into the camera. "Last month I found a thermometer on Amazon and I placed a bulk order, and extracted the mercury from each bulb." He holds up a vial of metallic liquid for the camera. "I've been mixing it into Dwight's yogurt. I think his mind is slipping! And as for the teeth? Well, a few months ago when Dr. Reese Dental Practice renewed their office supply contract, I offered a discount in exchange for extracted teeth. Can you believe they were going to just throw these away!"
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Sep 19, 2022 21:41
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Jim drives a Jetta, cmon get the lore straight here. My immersion is ruined
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Sep 19, 2022 21:58
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Jim keeps calling Dwight a "total Jerry" and continually compares himself to someone named "Rick." Dwight gathers from context that Jim is making a TV reference but Dwight doesn't get it.
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Sep 20, 2022 01:05
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Jim makes a deal with his barber that he will buy all the hair that they clean up off the floor. The barber thinks this is odd, but Jim explains that it is a kind of weird sex thing, and "you don't want to hear the details." Jim begins sprinkling the hair on Dwight's desk and belongings every time he is away. Not too much so as to be an obvious prank, but enough to be concerning and gross. Jim anonymously leaves him ROGAINEŽ with a note that says "hey, I know what you are going through." He says nothing about this to either the camera or Dwight and just seems confused when asked. Jim begins to glue the extra hair on to his face. When asked, he says "oh, you noticed! I'm just trying a new look." He doesn't mug for the camera. He just stares at it, expressionless, and eats a handful of hair.
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Sep 20, 2022 02:04
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Dwight grows increasingly concerned over Jim's rapidly expanding human hair and human teeth collection. As his thoughts begin to wander, he takes a swig from his chocolate milk. When he sets down the carton, the "have you seen me?" on the carton catches his eye, and a familiar feeling of dread creeps in.
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Sep 20, 2022 02:07
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Meredith gets too drunk and wakes up forgetting it's Saturday, rushes to the office, and catches Jim in the act of spreading the hair around. Jim is caught like a deer in the headlights and begins stammering excuses. Still reeking of liquor, she says "Hey, I get it. If you need any more, it's $20 for the top and $40 for the bottom." Jim reaches for his wallet.
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Sep 20, 2022 02:23
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He had to empty his savings and even dip into his retirement, but Dwight finally achieved his dream of converting the family farm into a bird reserve and rehabilitation center. The night before the grand opening, Jim breaks in and unleashes an army of stray cats hes been building up ever since Dwight announced his plans. Cat-ch you later, balloon boy! Jim cackles as he mugs the security camera.
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Sep 20, 2022 02:44
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jim shits in dwight's hat
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Sep 20, 2022 02:48
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goethe.cx posted:jim shits in dwight's hat Dwight returns from the printer but before he can even get close to his desk, a tidal wave of thick rancid air invades his nostrils, choking and suffocating him. He realizes the smell is coming from his hat, which Jim appears to have poo poo in. In all Dwight's days working on a farm, he had never experienced a smell as foul as what came out of Jim's body. Jim begins to laugh. "What's the matter balloon boy? I thought you liked wearing lovely hats!" He laughs even as he clutches his stomach. His laughs turn into winces. Dwight, disturbed but calm, replies. "Jim I'm not even mad. I'm very concerned. You really need to see a doctor immediately, I think something's very wrong with you." Jim gazes at him with yellow eyes. His skin appears brittle and his floppy hair appears to be patchy. "Dwight, I, uhh... I think you're right. That last prank, I guess it really took it out of me. I'm feeling a little nauseous." He appears to gag but continues. "Dwight can you, can you help me to the door?" Dwight rushes over and slings Jim's bony arm across his shoulders, and supports Jim as he begins to hobble away from his desk. As Dwight is concentrating on carrying Jim's weight, he doesn't notice when Jim pulls out a black sharpie and pokes it, hard, right into Dwight's ear while yelling "snakebite!" "gently caress Jim what the hell" he screams in anger. Jim mugs the camera as his vision begins to fade. Dwight sure is a gullible idiot, Jim thought to himself.
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Sep 20, 2022 03:16
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It's been 30 years since we last saw the employees of Dunder Mifflin. The documentary about their lives and the paper company a forgotten memory to most. It's a beautiful fall afternoon and Pam is driving to the long-term care home Jim has been staying in for the past few years. Shortly after retirement, Jim was diagnosed with dementia, an aggressive case which resulted in him being too much for Pam to manage in short order. Jim spends his days mugging for a camera that isn't there and reliving his time in the office (between bouts of unsettling confusion and anger). Pam comes to visit every other day, but their time together gets more difficult every passing week. Jim doesn't recognize her anymore, not their kids not even his own reflection. He just makes facial expressions at random walls and occasionally mentions names of coworkers he's not seen in over 20 years. Today Dwight accompanies Pam. It's been a while, but he tries to make time once a month to spend an hour or so with his dearest friend. As Pam and Dwight check in, one of the orderlies mentions that Jim seems to be much more alert and active today. As they enter the dining room they see Jim sitting at a table, pushing his hearing aid into a Jello cup.
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Sep 20, 2022 04:40
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Jim starts wearing a jaunty hat with a little feather in it.
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Sep 20, 2022 06:33
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using a bungee cord, jim catapults an incredibly high-velocity brick into dwight's cock abd balls
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Sep 20, 2022 08:11
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Jim gets up early to de-oil all the door hinges in Dwight's house so that they creak and squeal loudly.
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Sep 20, 2022 12:29
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Jim's new podcast "Seriously" leads to the Scranton Strangler being released from prison, pending a new trial. At a press conference, a smiling Jim stands next to the strangler, occasionally batting away the man's hands as they try to close around Jim's neck. "You know, I'm just happy to see this man free on the streets again. And as we all know, Dwight K Schrute is SUCH a humanitarian, he'll definitely support this move AND allow the strangler - sorry, I mean POTENTIAL STRANGLER - into his home. Isn't that right, Dwight?" Dwight, who's in the crowd, says that would be fine, but grows increasingly nervous each time Jim bats away the man's hands. At his nearby home, an angry Toby insists that he "already did something like this" and rubs his neck.
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Sep 20, 2022 13:35
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Jim brings the Loc Nar to work, trapping Dwight in a psychedelic 80's fantasy sci fi extravaganza.
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Sep 20, 2022 14:21
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:using a bungee cord, jim catapults an incredibly high-velocity brick into dwight's cock abd balls "I've heard about bricked phones but a bricked dong?"
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Sep 20, 2022 14:50
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:using a bungee cord, jim catapults an incredibly high-velocity brick into dwight's cock abd balls "Merry Christmas, Dwight!", Jim screeches at Dwight when he (Dwight) just enters the office. "This is ridiculous, Jim, it's not even Octo-", Dwight is cut off by an incredibly high-velocity brick that hit him squarely into his nuts launched by a bungee cord catapult rigged by Jim. As Dwight is writhing in pain on the floor, Jim turns to the camera, mugs and quips "I've heard of off-season showings of The Nutcracker, but this is ridiculous!" Dwight has to be taken to the hospital.
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Sep 20, 2022 14:55
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:using a bungee cord, jim catapults an incredibly high-velocity brick into dwight's cock abd balls "I've heard of 'hitting the bricks' but 'bricks hitting the DICKS??' Now I've seen everything!" laughs Jim.
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Sep 20, 2022 15:49
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Space Kablooey posted:"Merry Christmas, Dwight!", Jim screeches at Dwight when he (Dwight) just enters the office. It's January and Dwight's existence is agony. The damage done to his spermatic cord was irreversible. "mashed potatoes" was how the doctor described it. The most skilled plastic surgeon in Scranton was able to fashion a makeshift organ from a few scraps of leftover skin but it would require daily applications of medicated cream or else it would become infected and fall off. Winter turns into Spring and Dwight is able to walk again without debilitating shooting pains from his groin region. That May his doctor clears him for sitting down again, and authorizes him to return to work in a limited capacity. He pulls into the parking lot - Jim's Fiesta is no where to be found. Good, Dwight thought. He wasn't sure which regional jail Jim had been thrown into and he didn't care. Whatever had caused Jim to snap that day and assault him with a sub-sonic brick to his gonads had also deprived Jim of the privilege of participating in civilized society and for all Dwight cared, Jim could rot in a cell for the rest of his floppy haired life. With a familiar ding, the elevator reached the Dunder Mifflin office and the doors slid open. With a THWACK Dwight is hit directly in the groin with a brick traveling at mach 12. The shockwave had caused a deafening sonic boom and papers were scattered in the air, entire desks had been smashed to splinters by the pressure wave. Every glass window in the office complex had been violently blown outward and glass rained down on the parking lot. As he crumpled over and his vision began to fade Dwight could make out the tall slender shape of Jim, wearing old timey black and white striped prison outfit that looks like it came from a halloween store, standing behind an experimental and highly classified navy rail gun. The last thing Dwight heard before falling unconscious was Jim's nasally voice quipping "I've heard of nutcracker encores but this one really rubs my rhubarb! Wait I mean tickles, the, tickles the pic - wait what rhymes with encore..."
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Sep 20, 2022 15:57
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Jim secretly bribes Michael Scott to have Dwight take a fall in his last fight. Michael, wearing a "Rock the Vote" t-shirt, figures that Dwight is going to lose the fight anyway and doesn't tell him about the set-up, hoping to pocket all of the money himself. When Dwight comes out with the fight of his career and ends up winning, Jim and a couple of hired thugs track him down and use a brick to shatter his testicles. Dwight staggers out of the alley and into Angela's arms. "I won," he murmurs. "Sure," she replies, "We both did." (Angela secretly does not want any more children).
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Sep 20, 2022 16:14
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Dammit, Jim does not dirive a Fiesta, he drives a Jetta!
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Sep 20, 2022 16:15
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jim hijacks an Onslaught-class battleship, a city-block-sized ship sheathed in tens of metres of ballistic armour that comprises the backbone of the Domain's warfleets, and one usually requiring a crew of at least 750 jim activates the burn drive and crashes at relativistic speeds into dwight's cock and balls venting the main flux core to cook the unlucky salesman's junk, jim mugs the camera
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Sep 20, 2022 16:16
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poisonpill posted:Dammit, Jim does not dirive a Fiesta, he drives a Jetta! Jim purchases every available car in the Scranton area, then opens "Crazy Jim's Discount Car Barn". When Dwight goes searching for a fleet of vehicles for his Meals on Wheels campaign, Jim is the only option. As Dwight tries to negotiate a deal, Jim puts on a cowboy hat. As the negotiates continue, Jim looks on with a serious face and nods occasionally. "Okay Dwight, I hear you. These cars would do a lot of good for the community. But here's the deal, I need to make a profit here. After all, these hats don't pay for themselves." With that, Jim puts a larger hat on top of his first hat. "So here's my final offer. I'll let you read over it, take your time, I'll be back. I need to get my other hat." With that, Jim steps outside of his office and closes the door behind him. Dwight reaches over to the piece of paper and reads it. "LOOK UP" When Dwight looks up at the ceiling, a giant cowboy hat falls on top of him. Jim, who has put a larger hat on while pacing outside the office, mugs for the camera.
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Sep 20, 2022 16:29
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Obviously Jim drives whichever car best suits the purposes of his prank.
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Sep 20, 2022 17:21
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That being said, I assume Jim favors cars from this list: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_automobiles_known_for_negative_reception
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Sep 20, 2022 17:24
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One morning as Dwight is getting out of his car in the parking lot, Jim pulls into the spot next to him in his dusty Fiesta. Dwight is slightly confused. "Didn't you used to drive a Jetta?" he asks. "No, idiot, but I'm gonna jetta-son this brick into your crotch!" Jim then throws a brick at Dwight's crotch
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Sep 20, 2022 17:27
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"Hey Dwight, check this out! I found a superhero's cape just lying in the street. Now I have all of their powers!" Jim jauntily ties the cape around his neck and then leaps into the air, somehow hovering over the ground. He then zips across the office, suspended above the ground as if by magic. "Quick, Dwight! Shoot me with this gun! I want to see my bulletproof skin in action!" Jim tosses a shotgun to Dwight, the mime cocking it and shooting it. Jim winks at Dwight. "C'mon, buddy. Now's your chance. Fire away!" Dwight hesitates for a moment, then drops the shotgun and walks away. Jim mugs for the camera, then tugs at the invisible wires that were holding him up, allowing him to "fly" around the office.
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Sep 20, 2022 17:37
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Jim follows Dwight around all day while singing insulting songs.
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Sep 20, 2022 17:55
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Jim eats huge carrots really loudly at his desk all day. He also keeps finding excuses to get up and chew right next to Dwight's ear.
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Sep 20, 2022 18:05
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Jim buys thousands of hissing cockroaches with the intent on releasing them into Dwight's underwear drawer but the box breaks in the backseat of Jim's AMC Pacer. Jim is forced to implement plan B: kidnap Dwight and leave him tied up in the cockroach infested backseat of Jim's Pacer all weekend.
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Sep 20, 2022 18:08
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Jim crashes the Oscar-Meyer Wienermobile through the wall of the operating theater where Dwight is having his vasectomy procedure.
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Sep 20, 2022 18:11
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| # ? May 31, 2024 00:09 |
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Applewhite posted:That being said, I assume Jim favors cars from this list: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_automobiles_known_for_negative_reception To compete with Dwight's beet farm, Jim buys a piece of land next door to Dwight's and buys a whole fleet of Hummer H2's and leaves all of them on idle for days on end, with Jim refilling their premium gas tanks every 3 days or so. Due to the demand for gas Jim's farm causes, this drives up the gas prices in the region of Scranton, maybe in all of Pennsylvania, so much that the oil companies post record earnings quarter after quarter. The prank is on all of us, really.
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Sep 20, 2022 18:13
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