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Jim shows up to work extremely overweight and riding a mobility scooter. The sight of fat Jim is very distressing because somehow Jim's ribcage and hipbones are still visible under his skin, like all the fat ended up inside his skeleton instead of over it. "MICHAEL!" yells Dwight.
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Oct 20, 2022 01:47
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| # ? Jun 3, 2024 22:33 |
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Jim flies to Florida to attend a Neo Nazi/Republican rally featuring Ron Desantis. He gets up on stage and declares "My name is Dwight Schrute and I just want to say the whole Dunder Mifflin team stands behind Ron Desantis's crusade against the useless eaters swarming across our borders!" Dwight now has to fight his way through a whole crowd of enraged protesters every morning to get to work on time.
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Oct 20, 2022 02:57
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Jim flies to Florida to attend a Neo Nazi/Republican rally featuring Ron Desantis. He gets up on stage and declares "My name is Dwight Schrute and I just want to say the whole Dunder Mifflin team stands behind Ron Desantis's crusade against the useless eaters swarming across our borders!" Dwight now has to fight his way through a whole crowd of supportive fans every morning to get to work on time.
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Oct 20, 2022 03:19
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jim farts in dwights face dwight gets pink eye
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Oct 20, 2022 03:34
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jim mugs the camera; farts
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Oct 20, 2022 03:38
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Dwight rolls to work in his Zorb, which he parks next to all the others in the parking lot. Looking up at the darkly purple sky, he sighs; likely to be six more weeks of Chism. He climbs the slippery slide up to the second floor and crawls through the great worm Zaa’duul’s intestines to emerge into the office. Creed is floating in the doorway, again, with all of his telepathically controlled crystals spinning around him and blocking the entrance. Dwight waits patiently before Creed blinks out of existence for the day, then heads inside. Pam is dutifully ordering the slave gnolls to begin their daily tasks; today they will be carving large mold spores from the back wall and tenderizing them in Ryan’s secretions. Dwight wonders how soon it will be before the annex has been fully recovered, and hopes it is soon. Toby has been hanging around too much for his liking lately (“Toby” being the word to describe the combined feeling of ravenous hunger and sorrowful nostalgia that has taken semi-corporeal form in the office annex). As he settles into work (holding large, intricately carved skulls, primarily from creatures that may have resembled elk, or possibly deer, but which have only one straight horn extending from the center of their skull ridges, and allowing the vague memories of past lives (typically primitive hunter-gatherer experiences) to flow through him; he writes these memories down and then hands the skulls over to Kevin for destruction), Dwight notices something strange. He does a double-take as he looks into Michael’s office and sees a bizarre sight: Jim spraying down Michael with a garden hose (this is considered unusual in this universe).
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Oct 20, 2022 04:19
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Jim flies to Florida to attend a Neo Nazi/Republican rally featuring Ron Desantis. He gets up on stage and declares "My name is Dwight Schrute and I just want to say the whole Dunder Mifflin team stands behind Ron Desantis's crusade against the useless eaters swarming across our borders!" An Argentinian family, surprised to see their cousin Dwight at the rally, invite him to dinner.
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Oct 20, 2022 04:46
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JIm finishes putting the final touches on his prank for Dwight, slamming shut the door to Dwight's car and quickly rushing back into work before his lunch break was over, dancing his way into the door. Getting ready to sit down, Dwight waves Jim over, instead, and gives him a message. "Mr. Miner wants you in his office..." Jim has a slight panic attack. "Did he say what for?" "No, but I'm sure whatever it is, he'll give you the rundown..." Jim enters Charles Miner's office, but there's no one there. Sitting down in the chair across from Miner's desk, he waits a moment before he feels a hand resting on his shoulder. "Jim..." Charles Miner speaks at the perfect volume. His hand on Jim's shoulder, while gentle, feels to Jim like it weighs 100 lbs. Jim keeps staring straight ahead. "I was looking forward to starting a new project today, I was about to give you the rundown on it, but something else came to my attention. Do you know what that is?" Jim shakes his head, sputtering out that he didn't. "The police happened to call me about 20 minutes ago. They said some 'floppy haired man'... Let me start over, Jim. They said someone with floppy hair was just in the local Costco, someone with a Dunder-Mifflin nametag on their shirt. You know what they said this someone did? They ran up to all the free sample stations and stole all the free samples. Tossed them in some reusable Minions shopping bags and rang out of the store with them. Who does something like that, Jim? I mean, a 'man' wouldn't do something like that, would they, Jim? Stealing all those free samples? Those are there for EVERYONE to have a chance to sample a product. They try the product, then they buy the product. If they buy the product, that helps the associate who spent their entire shift doing nothing but graciously prepping those samples get a better performance review..." Oh God, Charles Miner just put his other hand on Jim's other shoulder. "You see, Jim, I know it couldn't be you, you know why? To be sure I called in a favor or two and do you know what I found out? Neither you nor Pam have Costco memberships, so it had to be some OTHER floppy haired individual. I, of course, told this to the police." Why were Charles Miner's hands feeling heavier than before? Oh god, they hadn't moved a millimeter, but they felt like they were pressing Jim into the floor. "Otherwise if it WERE you, then you violated the sanctity of a Costco and STOLE bagfuls of free samples of shrimp and meatballs from the curious mouths of paying members, all for what I could only assume to be some sort of prank on Dwight Schrute... Anyway, I'm losing the point of WHY I wanted to speak with you.." Jim couldn't breathe and started to silently pray for the protection of Cosmic Jim. With that, Charles Miner lifted his right hand from from Jim's shoulder. "I just wanted to tell you that you and Pam should really get a Costco membership. It more than pays for itself in the first few visits..." The weight of Charles Miner's left hand lightened more and more slightly as he continued, and Jim sighed relief as he finally removed it. Jim sat in silence with Charles Miner behind him for several seconds. "Okay, it's not Five O'clock, yet, so get back to work..." Jim stood up and swiftly moved out of Miner's office, avoiding eye contact, and dashed back to his desk and nervously asked Dwight to help him order a Costco membership online, now, offering to take Dwight's car in for a full interior detailing after work in exchange for the assistance.
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Oct 20, 2022 09:19
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Jim walks into the office with a Sam’s Club sweatshirt on, and places a twenty-four pack of toilet paper on his desk. “Is that Sam’s Club’s bulk toilet paper?” asks Kelly, excitedly rushing up to Jim. “It sure is, Kelly. And with Sam’s Club’s great everyday prices, it lets me dress up like a toilet, every single day!” Jim looks earnestly at the camera.
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Oct 20, 2022 10:40
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Jim buys the corporate assets and IP of the former Building 19 discount chain and announces plans to reopen and rebrand as Jim's Original Building 19. Everyone already knowing Jim's already puckish sense of humor look forward to what sort of charming gimmicks, amusing ads, and odd products he might offer. At the grand opening, every customer is greeted at the door with a full-body frisk and x-rays. One by one, they're allowed into Jim's Original Building 19 and walk through the sterile, cold environment of everything. There are no products on the shelves, only laminated cards the size of fast food trays indicating an item and its cost. The tension in the store is high among customers as multiple security cameras and guards are placed every several feet in each aisle. Gradually customers make their way to registers with stacks of the laminated cards to be rung up. Between the exit and the registers is a pick-up station, where customers' purchases are retrieved from the secure storage after several minutes of processing and passed off to so that they may exit the store with the purchases. On their way out, each customer now subject to more invasive searches, the packages of products they'd just picked up 10 feet away are torn open and dumped on to the floor to assure no stolen merchandise is inside, and cell phones are ordered unlocked and their digital contents searched for any photos or videos taken of the inside or outside of the store without express written consent of JOB19. In the parking lot, security is writing down licence plate numbers as people enter their cars, and calling police on those who arrived on foot or are waiting at the bus stop.
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Oct 20, 2022 11:07
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Jim announces he's "going hog wild" because "men are pigs and proud of it." When Dwight arrives at work the next day, Jim rushes at him on all fours, squealing at the top of his lungs. Dwight tries to fight but Jim gores Dwight in the thigh with his tusks. Dwight must be taken to the hospital.
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Oct 20, 2022 15:48
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Dwight fuckin quits. this poo poo is ridiculous
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Oct 20, 2022 15:55
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The office gang drive the Hallelujah Church of Scranton van to the Minions Theme Park Fully Licensed to Use Minions Characters, which was simply abandoned after being bankrupted by multiple trademark suits were filed against it. Dwight is driving (in his trademark dapper white sweater and ascot) with Angela looking svelte next to him. When they arrive, Dwight explains that they are here to figure out the mystery of the Minions Ghost that haunts the place at night, scaring away all potential investors. Dwight proposes that they split up. He and Angela will go explore the "Bounce Room", a giant warehouse where the floor is covered with mattresses. Jim, with a floppy, scraggly beard, takes Mose and nervously explores the theme park's signature attraction: The Haunted Minions House. As Jim's knees begin to shake, he shares a quick Mosey Snack with his buddy, Mose, and they enter into the house. Suddenly, the lights turn on and the spooky mechanical creatures built into the theme park start to move! Jim and Mose turn around and run in fright, bumping past Phyllis and knocking her glasses to the ground. Dwight and Angela come running at the sounds, and run right past Phyllis, who is on the ground searching with her hands for her lost glasses. When Dwight's brilliant trap finally catches the Minions Ghost (no thanks to Jim humorously screwing it up), he pulls the mask off and reveals: Todd Packer, with a frown on his face. It turns out that Todd was trying to keep the place abandoned so that he could keep using the Bounce Room for discrete liaisons. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling salesmen. And that Mose, too!"
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Oct 20, 2022 15:59
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Jim, whose odious politics and personality have made him the most reviled man in Scranton, perhaps even in all of Pennsylvania, decides to up the ante and prank an entire country. Under the name of Dwight Schrute, he lays a claim to the throne of Great Britain, presenting himself as a long-lost scion of the Coburg-Gotha family come back from exile. The vapid and lowly British press has a field day when the news erupts and soon the question is on everyone’s lips: could it be that this bizarre skeletal and floppy-haired fellow is indeed the rightful King? Aghast at these news, the real Dwight heads back to Germany in order to unearth the Schrute family tree and establish the truth - but the evidence he finds in the Bavarian registries is ironclad: the Schrutes are in fact descendants in direct line of Franz August Karl Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, consort of Queen Victoria, whose elder son Dwilt’s birth in 1839 was hidden from public knowledge. Dwight knows that these documents are forgeries, for he has spent many days learning the Lore of the Schrutes with Grossmutter Hedda as a child. He can even name his ancestors all the way back to Odon Schrude "the Stammerer" (born in 1045 in a village near Augsburg)! But aside from the forgeries, his search is fruitless. He, Dwight, gathers the remnants of the Schrude family from Bavaria as well as the Schrutes of America - even uncle Heinrich makes the trip from Argentina. Grossmutter Hedda, now 105, barely coherent in between bouts of dementia, is brought along as the family Loremaster. All together, they journey to London in order to confront the impostor. The snakelike British press is present in the hall of Langham Hotel, where Jim has taken residence, when the confrontation takes place. A beet-red Dwight, and all 34 of his various cousins, uncles, aunts and assorted ancestors, gather around a smirking Jim. "Explain this," growls Dwight as he produces the parchments he borrowed from the Augsburg Rathaus. Jim’s grin grows wider, revealing his teeth all the way to his brownish molars. "My, my," he crows, "there it is at last, the incontrovertible proof of my claim, for all the world to see." He, Jim, rises from the armcahir he was sprawled over, snags the documents and proffers them to the cameras. "Behold! Ancestries, birth certificates! Dwight Schrute’s claim is shown to be true! The usurper Charles will be cast down! Thank you, good man." Dwight’s retort is cut short when Grossmutter Hedda ambles up to Jim. In an uncharacteristically sharp movement for such an old lady, her hand grabs Jim’s cheek and she stares straight in his beady eyes. There is a silence then, only broken by the crackling of the vile British paparazzi’s camera flashes. And then: "Dwilt! Der wahre Spross von Dwilt!" Her pronouncement is met with a thunder of exclamations in English and German. "No! This man is no Schrute! I am Dwight Schrute!" screams Dwight, but his protests go unheard in the din of the journalists’ inane babble. Dwight finally understand that he has lost when, at a gesture from Jim, two Life Guards grab him by the arms and drag him away. He is sealed away in London Tower for his many crimes. Charles III is quickly deposed and Dwight (Jim) adopts the regnal name Famous Jim the First. His first order as a monarch is to bury Elizabeth’s corgis alive alongside her body at Windsor Castle, and replace them with Mose as the royal family mascot - a move that is hailed as "bold" by the Telegraph and "visionary" by the Guardian. "And now, to appoint a new Prime Minister…" King Famous Jim the First mugs at the camera as he dials Kevin’s phone number.
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Oct 20, 2022 19:24
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Jim places a curse upon the United Kingdom. "Eye of newt, a snake so sinister. Make it hard to find a prime minister!" Jim cackles as he mixes a series of ingredients in a bubbling potion. At work the next day, Dwight is trying to get some work done but all anyone can talk about is the UK's prime minister woes. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Oct 20, 2022 19:32
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Jim pranks the people of Italy by NOT making their fascist prime minister resign.
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Oct 20, 2022 20:01
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Jim folds up like a transformer into the shape of Dwight's cell phone and keeps prank calling Dwight.
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Oct 20, 2022 21:58
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Jim prepares to prank the United Kingdom but gives up, admitting that even his most devious pranks could not damage the country as much as Liz Truss has
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Oct 21, 2022 01:12
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Jim elects Liz Truss to be prime minister of Dwight. Dwight's personal finances go from stable to bankruptcy in mere days.
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Oct 21, 2022 01:14
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Jim invites Liz Lemon to manage the office. What should go smoothly becomes a total fiasco.
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Oct 21, 2022 03:34
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Jim pranks Dwight by switching desks with Kevin.
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Oct 21, 2022 05:35
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"That's it, that's the last straw!" Dwight smashes his pudding-covered fist on the desk, splattering the dessert even more. "You and me, Jim. Ring of combat! We're going to settle this once and for all in a fair fight!" "Good! You wanna come at me, let's do this!" Jim jumps to his feet, defiantly. Dwight hadn't been expecting this, but he quickly followed through. "Okay, one week from Friday! Everyone! Attention: One week from Friday! Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute..." Dwight's speech was starting to be overlapped by Jim just talking in the background, but Dwight ignored it. "Jim and Dwight: The charity boxing match for bragging rights, bad blood, and good causes!" "You're on, Dwight!" Jim leans into Dwight's face. "You're on like that pudding you've got all over you!" Jim licks Dwight's nose, which sends Schrute stampeding away in frustration while screaming he would be, "Saving all this for the ring." The next several days, Dwight trains. He watches old tapes of Sugar Ray Leonard, while Jim sits around eating bowls for Frosted Flakes. Finally, the night of the fight, to a packed arena, Dwight in a stoic march approaches the ring in his robe. He's announced to screaming fans as "Dwight Schrute. Schrute the Brute. Grower of beets, fighter on the streets, lover in the sheets, and too sweet to defeat! He's here tonight, everyone, for the charity of his choice: The Scranton Teen Mental Health Fund, dedicated to helping teens get the emotional and mental support and help they need in our community!" "His opponent, Jim HAAAAAAAAAALPERT! The floppy-haired puncher, the open-mouth muncher, he's gonna take the shots like Mars takes mothers! His charity is listed as the "Jim Halpert's Little Bastards, dedicated to making child support payments to the women he is going to have unprotected sex with tonight after he wins." "I love you, Mars! I'm doing this for you!" Jim kisses his finger and points at the stars, then waves to the audience, all while painted yellow and wearing overalls, shaking his rear end. The opponents enter the ring and Dwight and Jim enter into their opposing corners, waiting for the bell to ring. Jim makes the most of the attention he's getting to make jerk off motions inside his overalls. The bell rings and Dwight cautiously makes his way across the ring as Jim continues to simulate playing with himself. When Dwight is half way across the ring, something rolls out from the bottom of Jim's pant leg towards Dwight. Stopping in his tracks to look at it, Dwight recognizes it as a grenade. Why would...? Three days later, Dwight is watching the replay of the fight from an intensive care unit. "I think that's the moment I lost the fight..." Dwight laments to Angela, who was being careful not to pinch his IV line while holding him. The replays showing while he was distracted by what Jim had dropped, Jim had cartoonishly mugged to the audience and covered his ears. "I think when I got thrown out of the ring by the grenade explosion is when I lost the fight." JediTalentAgent fucked around with this message at 09:32 on Oct 21, 2022 |
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Oct 21, 2022 08:50
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In the middle of a normal workday, Jim stands up on his desk and loudly declares “Prexit”, an immediate cessation of all pranking in the office. Although his doing this was, itself, a spur of the moment prank, he feels compelled to follow through. Over the next few days, Jim shakily negotiates with Toby over the ending of pranks within the office. All of the special pranking privileges and immunity to HR sanctions that he had previously enjoyed are wiped away. In exchange, Jim gets nothing. Several weeks later, an even more skeletal than usual Jim stumbles into the office and falls to the floor. He is completely disoriented, and has trouble understanding Dwight (who has rushed over to perform first aid). Without pranks, and having absolutely no plan or method to replace them in his life, Jim has found himself rendered helpless and powerless in the new order. “Can…. Can I go back to having some pranks?” Jim asks, in a weak voice. Dwight sadly shakes his head. poisonpill fucked around with this message at 12:07 on Oct 21, 2022 |
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Oct 21, 2022 11:36
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jim is replaced in the workplace by a lettuce
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Oct 21, 2022 11:39
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Jim keeps adding episodes to the One Piece anime until there are too many episodes to watch the entire series within an average human lifetime. Dwight doesn't bother to start because he knows he'll never finish. Jim mugs the camera as he takes a bite of the prank prank fruit.
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Oct 21, 2022 12:37
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Dwight and Jim are on the road to a big sale when the GPS seems to direct them through a cemetery. Dwight's insistent that this can't be correct, but Jim says he always listens to the GPS and drives in. As they wind through the somewhat overgrown graves, Jim sees a man in a suit shambling near a grave. "THEY'RE COMING TO GET YOU, BALLOON BOY!! There's one of them now!!!" Jim says in a "spooky" voice as Dwight tells him to shut up and be respectful of the dead. "Jeez, you're no fun, Dwight. Look, it's just some old guy, probably mourning his dead dumb wife or something. God, I'm glad I'll never be like that. Nope, when I get that old, just shove my perky rear end in a woodchipper and spread the mulch over your beets. That's in my will, by the way, so you HAVE to do it." Dwight ignores this as Jim continues to drive through the cemetery, eventually admitting he's lost. Jim shuts the car off and tries to pull up the address on his phone again to figure out exactly where they went wrong. As they sit, the man in the suit slowly steps closer and closer. He leans over and picks up a large rock, which he carries to the car. "Holy poo poo, he's got a rock!" Jim screeches as the man appears at the driver's window, smashing it with the rock. Jim lets out another girlish scream as the man reaches in and grabs Jim by the neck with powerful but ancient hands. "Help me, Balloon Boy! HELP ME! This fucker's strong, I can't -" Jim is cut off as the man lunges for Jim's neck and chomps down. Warm blood sprays forth as his teeth sink in to Jim's paper-like flesh and malnourished muscles. Jim passes out as blood flows freely and the man continues gnawing away. Dwight frees himself from the car and runs, full speed, with no apparent destination in mind. He simply realizes that he must get away. The old man eventually finishes his meal and turns towards the location Dwight ran off towards. The man's legs slowly begin to move, dragging him towards another source of food. A few moments later, Jim's eyes open. They're even duller and more lifeless than usual, with a milky film over them. Jim stupidly tries to free himself from the car before eventually crawling out the broken window, slicing himself up with shards of glass. Jim thuds to the ground and slowly rises to his feet before heading off in the same direction, hoping to find a source of food upon which to feast. Jim mugs for the camera. It's unsure if this is the random twitching of dead muscles or some final memory of life sparking inside his rapidly cooling and congealing brain.
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Oct 21, 2022 13:57
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:jim is replaced in the workplace by a lettuce Productivity increases 10,000%. Lettuce Jim (literally just a head of inanimate floppy leaf lettuce sitting on an office chair) is promoted to Assistant Branch Manager.
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Oct 21, 2022 14:33
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Famous Original Jim's begins to offer "Faster than Fast" delivery, using a patented and secret technology to deliver pizza practically instantaneously. Dwight is intrigued and asks Jim how such a thing is possible, which simply prompts a smug smile from Jim. As the weeks go on, Famous Original Jim's turns a profit for the first time in ages. Although the pizza remains the worst in Scranton, possibly in all of Pennsylvania, the gimmick of insanely fast delivery anywhere in the world makes them a viral hit. Soon, Jim is delivering pizzas to every continent. The pizza remains disgusting and is generally thrown out, however. Dwight eventually suggests that Jim use his technology to begin shipping other items, such as edible food or medicine, as a charitable action. Jim considers this for a moment, then laughs. "Nah, not worth it. Nobody's gonna pay me to deliver a bunch of anti-malaria drugs or whatever. Pizza, Dwight. You gotta give the people what they want!" Feeling as if this is too powerful and useful a piece of technology to leave in Jim's hands, Dwight ends up breaking in to Famous Original Jim's one night to try and figure out the secret of his delivery. He finds what looks like a large metallic disc bolt to the floor, about 4 feet in diameter. It's completely smooth but dozens of thick cables run from the sides of it into a large tower of computers, which lightly hum away while random green and yellow lights blink. Dwight then finds a journal next to the disc, presumably with some kind of instructions, and opens it. The childlike scrawl is obviously Jim's. JUNE 8th 2022 Got the idea for a really fast pizza delivery. Faster than fast? Not sure how to pull that off, maybe rocket boots. Will sleep on this one. FYI Dwight wore pink underwear today LOL. June 9th 2022 Had another dream where The Slumbering Jim spoke to me. Told me how to build the delivery disc. Told me the secret of faster than fast delivery. Today I begin the build. Soon we will begin the deliveries. It's beautiful. P.S. Dwight sat down on a brownie today and it looked like poop lmao <3 <3 <3 Gotta remember that one for later. July 3rd 2022 The device is finally complete. It's pretty simple, just set your item on the disc, enter the destination as an x,y,z coordinate in the main computer terminal, and hit run. Sent my first pizza today, it landed on top of Dwight's roof lol. Dwight remembers that day, he had assumed Jim flew the pizza via drone. Interesting. Dwight reads on. August 3rd 2022 Have successfully sent multiple pizzas now. All is well. Tried to send a mouse through to test on living things. Mouse survived the journey but seemed 'different'. Did not eat or drink for 3 days, died of starvation or dehydration, not sure which. Did not move or play. Strange. August 5th 2022 Tried sending a dog through. Did not go well. Dog returned safely but then ran away silently. Stranger and stranger. Pizza is still unchanged. Ooctober 1st 2022 lol Dwight got so pissed today! I put an upright piano in place of my desk and played a jaunty tune. Then when Dwight showed up I shifted it to a minor key, making everybody think Dwight was up to some kind of shenanigans. October 15th 2022 Tried to send another mouse through. Big mistake. Came back like all the other ones, but this mouse attacked me. Had to put it down. Dwight has begun asking about the device. A shiver runs up Dwight's spine as he reads this entry, the final one in the book. He decides that something is terribly wrong and closes the book, carefully setting it back where it was. He needs a tech expert to investigate this device. Tomorrow he'll call Sadiq, the office's former IT guy. He's a lot smarter than Nick, the current IT guy, at least. "Oh, Balloon Boy, what are YOU doing here?" comes a strange sing-songy voice from behind Dwight. Dwight turns around and finds Jim standing there with a baseball bat. Jim swings the bat and connects with Dwight's head. Dwight barely feels it as Jim has the strength of a wet noodle, but Dwight decides it's safest to get out of here. Jim swings again and again and it's starting to get annoying, so much so that Dwight doesn't pay attention to his feet. He trips over a loose pile of pizza dough and lands face first on a table, knocking himself unconscious. "That's right, Dwight. Come into MY place of business, I'll whip your rear end! I just kicked your butt so bad, holy crap!" Jim gloats. Dwight wakes up strapped to a chair, sitting on top of the metal disc. Jim looks at him coldly. "You want to know the secret of my faster than fast delivery? You got it, Dwight. You'll be at your house in less than 3 seconds once I hit this button, or else your order is free." Jim mugs for the Dwight with an incredible amount of malice lurking in his eyes. Jim presses the button and, for Dwight, the entire world falls away around him. He's suddenly in an endless void of white which seems to stretch on infinitely in all directions. There is no sound, no end. Dwight tries to keep track of time but 3 seconds seem to pass by very quickly, followed by another 3, and then another, and so on and on and on and on. At Schrute Farms, Dwight materializes on the front porch with a thud as the chair hits the porch and falls apart, the cheap plastic Jim uses in all his restaurants barely able to withstand a minor impact. Dwight lays on the porch breathing heavily as a frantic Angela rushes out. For her, Dwight has just been gone for about an hour. True to his word, Jim delivered Dwight in less than 3 seconds from when he pressed the button. 1.7 seconds to be exact. But for Dwight? It has been much longer. Dwight's hair has gone completely white, his eyes are jutting around madly, never focusing on anything. He screams at Angela and she shudders in revulsion, the cry of pain and terror from Dwight reminds her of a wounded animal. She tries to comfort Dwight but he pushes her away, utterly unsure of where he is or what's going on. Angela asks what happened, if Dwight discovered the secret of Jim's delivery. Dwight grows calmer for a moment and locks eyes with Angela. "It's longer than you think, Angela. LONGER THAN YOU THINK!" With that, Dwight begins to laugh madly and bash his hands against the side of his head. Back at Famous Original Jim's, Jim begins writing in his journal.
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Oct 21, 2022 15:09
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Famous Original Jim's begins to offer "Slower than Slow” delivery, using a patented and secret technology to deliver pizza “practically instantaneously”. Dwight is intrigued and orders a small pizza for “Slower than Slow” delivery to support local business.
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Oct 21, 2022 15:17
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Dwight speaks to the narrator, the Farmer, in 1970. The two of them relate in that both of them are from unmarried parents. The Farmer remarks that no one in his family ever gets married, including him. He wears an Ouroboros ring. Dwight is called the Unmarried Mother, because he writes stories for confession magazines, many of them presumably from the point of view of an unmarried mother. Cajoled by the Farmer, the Unmarried Mother explains why he understands the female viewpoint so well: he was born a girl, in 1945, and raised in an orphanage. While a fairly ugly teenager in 1963, she was seduced, impregnated, and abandoned by an older man. During the delivery of her child, doctors discovered she was intersex, with internalized male sex organs as well as female sex organs. Complications during delivery, by Caesarean section, rendered the female organs unviable and the physicians gave her a gender reassignment. The baby was kidnapped by a mysterious older gentleman, and not seen again. The Unmarried Mother then had to adjust to life as a man, despite an upbringing that left him unqualified for "men's" jobs; he had planned to get into space as a sex worker for male workers and colonists. Instead, he used his secretarial skills to sell paper and eventually began writing. Professing sympathy, the Farmer offers to take him to the abandoning seducer, whom the Unmarried Mother wishes revenge on. The Farmer guides him into a back room, where he (Farmer) uses a time machine to take them to 1963, and sets the young man loose. The Farmer goes forward eleven months, kidnaps a one-month-old baby, and takes her to 1945, leaving her at an orphanage. He returns to 1963 one month later and picks up the Unmarried Mother, who was instinctively attracted to his younger female self and has seduced and impregnated her. The Farmer nudges him to connect the dots and realize that the seducer, the young woman, the baby, and the time traveler are all him. The Farmer then drops the Unmarried Mother in 1985 at an outpost of the Temporal Bureau, a time-traveling secret police force that manipulates events in history, to protect the human race. He has just created and recruited himself. Finally, the Farmer returns to 1970, arriving a short time after he left the bar. He allows a customer to play "I'm My Own Grandpa" on the jukebox, having yelled at the customer for playing the song before he left. Closing the bar, he time travels again to his home base in 1993. As he beds down for a much-deserved rest, he contemplates the scar left over from the Caesarean section performed when he gave birth to his daughter, father, mother, and entire history. He thinks, "I know where I came from—but-" and is interrupted as Jim falls down the chimney, screeching all the while.
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Oct 21, 2022 15:21
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A Fancy Hat posted:"It's longer than you think, Angela. LONGER THAN YOU THINK!" Nobody ever ate a single one of the pizzas Jim sent via "faster than fast" delivery, or they might have noticed the pizzas were always cold on arrival. P.S. The Jaunt has been living rent free in my head since I first read it. It's super unsettling to me.
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Oct 21, 2022 15:27
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Jim parks his racecar bed outside of Dwight's bedroom and lays on the horn as soon as Dwight falls asleep. Dwight wakes up so violently that he ends up smacking his arm against the nightstand, letting out an audible "Yowch!". Jim mugs for the camera, then backs up his bed/vehicle and starts driving away. The radio stars to play "Twilight Zone" by Golden Earring and Jim is content. He's pranked Dwight, the night air is crisp and cool in his floppy hair, and he's got time to run through the Arby's drive through before they close. All in all, a great night. Jim smiles as he flashes his high beams at every single car that passes by, hoping to blind them and cause them to crash. "Hey, is Jim okay?" "No, he's just... smiling at his desk. I think he had a stroke or something! Call the ambulance!" "Oh God, there's blood coming out of his ears. Something's wrong, something's really wrong. 911 is on the way but I don't know if we have time, that's a lot of blood! Somebody get a towel or something!" "JIM! Stay with us, kid! Come on, just stay focused on my voice, okay? Don't - oh god, there's so much blood - don't go dying on us now, Jim." Jim drools for the camera. In his mind, he's already devouring his 2nd Arby's beef and cheddar and tossing the wrapping paper at a passing motorist.
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Oct 21, 2022 16:19
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Jim enchants a banana cream pie so that it constantly follows Dwight until it eventually connects with his face. Dwight, now constantly on the run from the face-seeking pie, becomes a renegade. Moving from town to town doing odd jobs, Dwight is sadly aware that the pie will always be coming for him eventually. Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight, now with a flowing head of hair and riding a motorcycle, moves on to the next town. Mystery, romance, action, and adventure will all meet him until the accursed pie threatens to tear it all away.
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Oct 21, 2022 16:32
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Jim starts selling "Jimarettes" to kids. These are basically cigarettes, except rolled in clown paper and packed with even more cancer-causing chemicals. When Dwight tries to stop him, Jim asks why Dwight hates "the free market" so much. Jim mugs for the camera, then tweets the scenario to Rand Paul, but makes up an ending where Dwight started crying and everyone clapped.
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Oct 21, 2022 16:51
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Dwight's "Slower than Slow” pizza finally arrives. Since it took so long, the thing is ice cold and more disgusting than usual.
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Oct 21, 2022 17:05
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Jim decides to "Andy up" and enters into a poorly plotted and ultimately pointless romance with Erin. Jim then begins appearing less frequently at work, including a bizarre 3 month stretch where he's compelled to sail a boat around the world. Dwight notes that it seems like Jim might be running out of steam and it might be time to try something new, but this bizarre prank is dragged out over 4 seasons of the documentary.
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Oct 21, 2022 17:30
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The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. But Scranton does not have a seaport. This confuses Pam.
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Oct 21, 2022 17:45
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The Butcher posted:The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. So it's a bright cloudless blue with some ominous lettering in the top right corner? 
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Oct 21, 2022 18:32
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btw i still lol that Famous Original Jim's might not be the worst pizza in PA.
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Oct 21, 2022 18:34
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| # ? Jun 3, 2024 22:33 |
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Space Kablooey posted:btw i still lol that Famous Original Jim's might not be the worst pizza in PA. There's a pizza place near me that has famously terrible customer service because it's just a little family-owned place. Read this review and just imagine it being Famous Original Jim's. "After making a special trip to the shop to get a gift card for my daughter for Christmas, I as greeted by rudeness of the owner. He asked if we were there to pick up or make an order when I answered no to his questions, he rudely told me that he didn't have time for my games. I told him apparently he wasn't interested in my business because of his rude tone. He the proceeded to start yelling at me. He refused to give his name or status so that we might complain to management which leads me to believe that he was the owner. Apparently customer service is not of interest to this establishment. Plenty of other places offer gluten free options without being treated so rudely." "I don't have time for your games, Balloon Boy," Jim quips as he tosses another pizza in the oven. "My name and status? Yeah, it's BOFA. Bofa deez nuts!"
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Oct 21, 2022 18:47
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