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A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight grows frustrated with a difficult customer and, after being hung up on declares that he’s “over it”.

“Oh, really Dwight? We’ll see about that!” Jim laughs.

Dwight is suddenly launched out of his seat, bursting through the ceiling and rocketing into the sky. He’s completely unharmed somehow and looks down, truly “over” the entire city of Scranton. He continues rocketing skyward, eventually breaking free of Earth’s gravity and launching in to space. Somehow still completely fine, Dwight looks down at the splendors of the tiny blue marble that once contained him. Still he rises, higher and higher.

Eventually the Solar System lays out before him like the autopsied corpse of some celestial giant. But that’s not enough, no. Dwight keeps rising and rising, all the while more of the universe is revealed to him. Soon, he breaks through even the boundaries of his universe.

As Dwight continues to be “over it”, the majesty of the multiverse is revealed to him. Individual universes lay like pearls on a string, but greater heights reveals greater understanding. The universes are on a double helix, like DNA. Dwight continues his cosmic odyssey and discovers hundreds millions of universes making up tiny “cells”, those cells working in conjunction with each other to create organs. As Dwight rises higher and higher the grand form is finally revealed. Organs lay suspended in a mighty skeleton, covered in flesh. A heart the size of 100 billion universes pumps blood to this mighty God. As Dwight ascends even further he begins to glimpse the outside form of the creature. Truly, he thinks, this is God. This is Purpose. This is Alpha and Omega.

He looks down at the final form of creation, an infinite number of universes working in conjunction, the body and blood of a single being. And Dwight begins to scream.

Jim mugs for the camera.

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Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

Jim challenges Dwight to a “Hot Ones” hot sauce challenge in the office and Dwight accepts

In this challenge, Dwight must eat a series of pickled beet slices drizzled with hot sauce. Each slice has an escalating level of spicyness, from “mildly spicy” to a Scotch Bonnet-based sauce with twice the Scoville rating of pepper spray. In between eating each slice, Jim will ask Dwight personal questions that he must answer while suffering through the effects of the spice.

Dwight is humiliated when the first spiced beet reduces him to a quivering heap, turning his face bright red and causing him to poo poo his pants.

——-

Cut to a talking head segment with Jim

“I just put the hottest sauce on every beet.”, he says, mugging the camera.

Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

Jim challenges Dwight to a “Hot Ones” hot sauce rematch in the office and Dwight accepts

In this challenge, Dwight must eat a series of pickled beet slices drizzled with hot sauce. Each slice has an escalating level of spicyness, from “mildly spicy” to a Scotch Bonnet-based sauce with twice the Scoville rating of pepper spray. In between eating each slice, Jim will ask Dwight personal questions that he must answer while suffering through the effects of the spice.

A well-prepared Dwight shows a strong start as he savors the spicy beet slices, clearly feeling the burn but taking it in stride. Between bites, he and Jim reminisce on their career highlights, their favorite pranks, and just wax nostalgic about their time as coworkers.

To the office’s delight, Dwight consumes the spiciest beet slice with little effort, winning the competition. A beaming, sweating Dwight hugs Jim as he receives the coveted “Spicy Curry Dundee Award” (taken from Kelly) and his coworkers cheer!

——————

Cut to talking head with Jim

“I dyed a box of urinal cakes with beet juice.”

Jim mugs the camera

The Butcher
Apr 20, 2005

Well, at least we tried.
Nap Ghost
Jim is distraught. He is completely out of prank ideas.

But then... "What if I were to destroy the space/time continuum?"

The prank to end all pranks.

He books a ticket to Geneva and calls in some favors with fellow pranksters at CERN, threatening those that oppose him with with silly string.

The weak rear end science people back off and allow the Prank Force to overload the collider.

The results are unknown. Nothing remains that we can observe. It's just all... Gone.

The Butcher fucked around with this message at 00:38 on Oct 31, 2022

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Cosmic Jim looks down from his throne. Across the multiverse an infinite number of Jims have overloaded an infinite number of colliders to perform an infinite number of ultimate pranks. Cosmic Jim sighs. It's been eons since he last felt that spark. All that remains now in his soul is embers. Will he ever be surprised anymore? He isn't sure.

Screechy, his leutennant, phases into existence on this cosmic plane. Behind him phases in Pooty, the rhyming owl that only speaks in riddles.

"Cosmic Master you must come quick. There's a cosmic emergency, by the feathers on my dick. Look thou be true; do not give dalliance! Jim 616, lest he be defiant!"

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE" Screechy confirms.

Cosmic Jim leaps up from his throne and phases out. Screechy and Pooty follow in a flurry of feathers.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim sits in his prankatorium (Jim's basement) pondering the pallet of urinal cakes he has yet to unload. Pam's been riding his rear end for weeks to get rid of the drat things. This "Hot Ones" prank used up like ten of the cakes by tricking Dwight into eating them, but there's hundreds more still to go!

Jim can't just trick Dwight into eating all of them...
Can he?

mutantIke
Oct 24, 2022

Born in '04
Certified Zoomer
-- JIMQUEST --

JIM stands in the office. DWIGHT is sitting at DWIGHT'S COMPUTER. Exits N, S, and E.

>INVENTORY
Jim's inventory includes:
(1) REAM OF CLOWN PAPER
(3) CARROTS
(1) EZ-MIX JELLO PACKET
(764) URINAL CAKES

>TALK DWIGT
There is no DWIGT to talk to!

>TALK DWIGHT
"Jim? Why are you just standing there?"

>MUG CAMERA

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


>N
You are now standing in the break room.

>MAKE JELLO
With what?

>POUR JELLO IN COFFEE POT
There is still coffee in the pot.

>POUR OUT COFFEE
Where?

>POUR OUT COFFEE INTO SINK
You pour the coffee into the sink, just in time for Dwight to walk in with his empty coffee mug, looking for a refill. He looks disheartened to see the last few drops of coffee pouring down the drain.
(Three points)

>MUG CAMERA
(Two points)

mutantIke
Oct 24, 2022

Born in '04
Certified Zoomer
>SHOVE URINAL CAKE IN DWIGHT'S MOUTH

There is no "DWIGHT'S MOUTH" in this room!

>FEED DWIGHT URINAL CAKE

You cram a urinal cake into Dwight's mouth and plug his nostrils (with pieces of another urinal cake) until he is forced to swallow. "This tastes terrible!" he complains.
(Five points)

>MUG CAMERA

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


>GET MUG
You open the cabinet drawer and take out the mug with your face on it (which Kelly made for you, but you never bothered to go to her house to collect).

>INVENTORY
Jim's inventory includes:
(1) REAM OF CLOWN PAPER
(3) CARROTS
(1) EZ-MIX JELLO PACKET
(763) URINAL CAKES
(1) JIM MUG

>LOOK DWIGHT
Dwight is trying to rinse his mouth out in the sink. You feel an inescapable urge to prank him.

>PUT JELLO IN COFFEE POT
You open the E-Z Mix Jello Packet and pour it into the coffee pot.
(1 point)

>FILL COFFEE POT WITH WATER
You can’t do that. Dwight is using the sink.

mutantIke
Oct 24, 2022

Born in '04
Certified Zoomer
>LOOK SINK
A regular old office sink. There is a HOT KNOB and a COLD KNOB.

>TURN COLD KNOB
In which direction?

>TURN COLD KNOB OFF
You turn the cold knob off.

>TURN HOT KNOB ON
You turn the hot knob on. Dwight is in extreme pain!

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Cosmic Jim is pleased with this most recent development.

mutantIke
Oct 24, 2022

Born in '04
Certified Zoomer
COSMIC JIM: Fondly regard creation

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim promises Dwight that tonight, Halloween Night, will be "full of only treats, no tricks".

"Prankster's promise, Dwight!" Jim says with a sly smile.

That night, Dwight has Schrute Farms decorated for trick or treat, with plastic skeletons manning farm equipment, carved beet jack o lanterns, and orange, purple, and green lights everywhere. Dwight even gets into the spirit by breaking out one of his old costumes - the Emperor from Star Wars.

As the night rolls on, hundreds of trick or treaters show up to Dwight's house and leave with a treat bag full of candy, toys, and college scholarships. Eventually the steady stream begins to slow down and Dwight figures the night is over. As he's about to start shutting off the outside lights, he hears a slow knocking at the door. Cautiously, he opens the door. Standing in front of him is an 8 foot tall, lanky creature wearing a filthy, ratty yellow sheet. Two small eye holes complete the basic ghost costume, and something twinkles at Dwight from deep within those eye holes.

"Trick or treat..." comes a gravelly voice.

Dwight smiles and hands over a treat bag but omits the scholarship. After all, this is obviously some kind of adult. Between the deep voice and the huge height, this cannot be a child. Dwight hands over the treat bag and the costumed man lifts up a dirty potato sack to collect it. As Dwight wishes him a Happy Halloween, the trick or treater lifts the bag again. Dwight says that there's only one treat per customer tonight, but that he'll give away any leftover candy tomorrow. The costumed figure lifts the bag again, but Dwight sadly says that's enough for tonight and closes the door.

There's another knock at the door and Dwight looks through the peephole. The same tall, lanky ghost stands there. Dwight opens the door a crack and says that the trick or treater should go home now.

"Trick... or.... treat...."

A withered hand then bursts forth from the costume and wedges itself in the crack of the door before Dwight can close it. Yellowed fingernails click against the wooden door as the hand grips the door and forces it open. Dwight yells for Angela to get out of the house now as the door is kicked in. The giant ghost looms over Dwight.

"Trick or treat. Trick... or treat."

Dwight kicks with all his might upwards, trying to hit his attacker squarely in the genitals. But the ghost doesn't react at all. Dwight kicks again and again but there's no reaction at all. The ghost extends his long and skinny arm again, this time aiming for Dwight's neck. Suddenly there's a girlish scream at the front door. The ghost freezes and turns to look.

Jim, nude except for a pair of red tennis shoes and blue body paint, stands there.

"Holy poo poo! Dwight, are you okay?"

The ghost leaps off of Dwight and rushes towards Jim, then pushes past him and rushes off into the night. Jim runs over to Dwight and asks if he's okay. Dwight thanks Jim but is utterly confused, he was convinced the "ghost" was Jim. Jim admits he was coming to prank Dwight by "chili dogging" his windows, but happened by just in time to see the ghost.

"I don't really feel like pranking you any more, buddy. Have a good night, I'll see you at work tomorrow."

As Jim leaves, he motions for the camera crew to come follow him. As he steps away from Dwight's house, the ghost is sitting there. Jim theatrically rips the sheet off the ghost, revealing it to be... Jim?!?

The Sonic-dressed Jim then grabs his face and pulls it off, revealing it to be a rubber mask. Under the mask is Pam. Jim laughs.

"Yeah, listen, we've had some marriage problems lately but I think we just BURIED all of those tonight! Eee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!"

Jim cackles as lightning streaks across the sky.

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



A lore deep cut for the Jim-heads: Jim built a custom codpiece out of clown paper

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

dwight finally takes out a restraining order on jim, citing his, jim's, numerous violent and awful pranks. an arrangement with dunder-mifflin is... arranged, where dwight and jim work from home on alternate days.

jim seems to take this in good humour. "I'm not worried about being unable to see Balloon Boy", he mugs, in a talking head segment. winking at the camera, jim elaborates: "You've seen Mrs Doubtfire before, right? Huh? Huh?"

the camera crew follow jim sorting through various disguises - a latex woman mask, a doctor's coat with a red squeaky nose in the pocket, before jim seems to make a decision. later that week jim is found dead at home, having hanged himself

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim eats an entire bucket of KFC fried chicken in front of Dwight, piece by piece. At the end, Jim licks his lips.

Dwight is disturbed as there's no KFC within 120 miles of the office.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim spends all Halloween night dancing on Dwight’s grave (Despite his numerous costumes and costume-heavy prior pranks, Jim is wearing nothing different from his standard sloppy, half loosened business casual shirt and tie, because “dressing up for Halloween isn’t cool”). It isn’t the actual gravesite of Dwight Shrute, who is very much alive, however. It’s part of the spooky decorations Dwight set up on his farm to delight and amuse trick-or-treaters on their way to his door.

Jim’s antics, such as peeing on the headstone of “Irma Gonner”, drives away many of the children. Dwight is left with an unexpected surplus of candy at the end of the night. Jim explains to the camera that Dwight usually brings any excess into the office the next day. “That spare candy bowl is how I avoid starvation through November most years,” explains Jim, “until the Christmas Cookie Bonanza.”

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



It’s Halloween, Jim’s least favorite holiday. After begging Jim for years to wear a costume, Pam finally breaks down, crying, and asks him he won’t do this one right for her.

Jim, finally, answers. “Pam my life is a nightmare and my body is a horror show. What is there to celebrate? To enjoy? I’m a scarecrow man who can’t even die.”

mutantIke
Oct 24, 2022

Born in '04
Certified Zoomer
Jim publishes a pornographic novel entitled "Mike Glute: Confessions Of An Office Boytoy Slut" under the pseudonym of "Jym Halbert". The book skyrockets to the top of the Amazon best-seller list, and is quickly adapted into a romance film starring none other than Rainn Wilson and John Krasinksi. Seeing the first billboard, Dwight falls to his knees as Jym mugs the camera, Mike's tie in hand.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim decorates the Halpert House with movie-quality gore effects, including a 12 foot tall skinned corpse that vomits up neon green liquid. Dozens of foam tombstones sit in the yard, each one engraved with the name of one of Dwight's deceased relatives. To top it all off, Jim dresses as Dwight and pretends to hang himself from a tree, scarring hundreds of children.

When Dwight hears about this, he wonders why Jim appears to go "all-out" for Halloween, when he's never done this before.

"Oh, it's not for Halloween," Jim explains to the camera, "this one's just for me."

Jim, dressed as Dwight, then vomits up stewed beets while howling in pain.

"Oh God! I'm such a dumb loser! I hung myself and now I'm puking up beets, my favorite food!"

Pam chases a small child around with a meat cleaver, as per Jim's instructions.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


At the office Halloween party, Jim sulks morosely at his desk while everyone else drinks punch and dances to Monster Mash. Meredith tries to get Jim to join in a few times, but he declines. Finally, the music stops and she hands him the microphone. “C’mon, Halpert,” Meredith says, “We’re telling scary stories. It’s your turn!”

“You wanna hear a scary story?” asks a visibly irritated Jim, “A really scary story? Okay. Here’s one. It takes place on a Halloween much like this one, about twenty years ago. A young man, maybe a little mischievous, maybe liked to mess with some japes occasionally, was busy minding his job. He was just closing out some October sales with clients; did you know that October is the biggest paper sales month in the industry? It’s true, look it up.”

The rest of the office is silent now, everyone is standing where they were when Jim started talking. They’re all watching him.

“Anyway, this guy was trying to close out a few more sales, offering discounts or future payment options, that kind of thing. You see, he had a wedding coming up, and if he could hit the next level, his commission bonus would easily pay for the catering.” Jim chuckles. “Yeah. That’s what he was thinking about. Being able to offer the chicken, the salmon, and the beef plates. Anyway.”

Jim hops off the desk and saunters over to the bar cart. Without bothering to mix anything, he grabs a bottle of bourbon and takes a deep pull straight from the bottle. He resumes speaking, now wandering the office and occasionally sipping the liquor.

“But he couldn’t do it. His buffoon of a boss had screwed him over with some kind of Golden Ticket discount idea. His desk mate had just closed a sale with the school district, so that client was off the table. And to add insult to injury? This yellow-shirt wearing dork in a Star Wars costume pops over and asks if I’ve got a costume for the Halloween party. ‘Where’s your costume, Jim? You aren’t seriously just wearing a name tag?’ Like somehow the most important thing in the world to me was some costume party.”

Jim had dropped all pretense now, he’s telling this story with fervor, emotions darkening his face.

“So I says, I say to myself, ‘God, I’d sell my soul for the chance to prank that guy, over and over, just to show him what it’s like to be the loser for once. I’d give up everything, no matter how long it takes.’ Yeah. That’s just about exactly what I said. But here’s the joke. Here’s the funny part. Or maybe it’s the scary part. You wanted a scary story? Well, I hope you’re listening, because God was. Or maybe the Devil. Maybe a ghost, maybe it was something else entirely. But I got my wish. Someone was listening.”

Jim is back at his desk now. The office is dead silent, every eye is in Jim. Some faces show horror, others show sympathy.

“Since then, I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All I can do is prank. Prank this guy. Trying over and over to fulfill my end. Maybe if I prank him enough, I’ll be freed from this self-made prison? Because nothing else will do it. Believe me, I tried. I’ve tried everything. I’ve done obscene things but I’ve never been fired; illegal things, but never got arrested; I’ve killed him, Hell, I’ve killed myself, ain’t nothing changes; I’ve tried everything I can think of. I can’t die; I’m starving to death, my body is in constant pain, I’m barely able to choke down these drat gummy worms! But they never slacken my ravenous hunger. I feel my stomach consuming itself. Do you have any idea what it feels like to starve to death, without being able to die? Maybe one day, I’ll land a banana cream pie just right, hit this guy’s face sufficient to fulfill my bargain. And at that moment, I’ll gladly fall down dead. But until that day, I shamble through this horrific sembalance of life, like this.”

Jim drops the mic and sits back down at his desk. A moment passes. The super squeaky shoe machine rolls past, making a sad violin-sounding squeak as it rolls next to Jim, who has a stream of tears rolling down his face.

Fell Mood
Jul 2, 2022

A terrible Fell look!
Dwight wears a diaper to work as it's just too risky to leave his computer for the bathroom.

Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

Malkavian Jim appears at Elysium before the vampire court of Scranton wearing a blasphemous mockery of a Catholic bishop's cassock. He announces before the court that he has converted to the doctrine of the Cainite Heresy, quoting from the Book of Nod and offering dark communion to his fellow Kindred in the form of a crimson wafer.

The other vampires are wary, but Dwight announces that he supports Jim's decision, knowing that the arcane insights he gleans from his faith would benefit all. In a display of goodwill, Dwight takes communion and consumes the wafer with Jim's unholy benediction.

-----------------

Cut to a talking head segment:

"I just dipped a urinal cake in some blood."

Malkavian Jim mugs the camera

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
>INVENTORY
Jim's inventory includes:
(1) REAM OF CLOWN PAPER
(3) CARROTS
(1) EZ-MIX JELLO PACKET
(762) URINAL CAKES
(1) JIM MUG

mutantIke
Oct 24, 2022

Born in '04
Certified Zoomer
>LOOK
You are standing inside the KITCHEN/BREAK ROOM. Your coworker DWIGHT is currently filling his mouth with ICE in an attempt to soothe the BURNS you've inflicted. There are several DRAWERS, as well as a COFFEE MACHINE and a SINK.

>OPEN DRAWERS
You look in the drawers. There is a PLASTIC KNIFE, a TEABAG, and several SPLENDAS.

>TAKE TEA
Taken.

>TAKE SPLENDAS.
Taken.

>TAKE KNIFE
Taken. DWIGHT eyes you with fear.

The Butcher
Apr 20, 2005

Well, at least we tried.
Nap Ghost

A Fancy Hat posted:

Jim eats an entire bucket of KFC fried chicken in front of Dwight, piece by piece. At the end, Jim licks his lips.

Dwight is disturbed as there's no KFC within 120 miles of the office.

Dwight becomes worried about the conditions of the chickens on his farm. Jim had taken the morning off before coming into work.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


>FILL POT
You fill the coffee pot with the scalding hot water still flowing from the sink. The jello packet dissolves perfectly.

>PUT MUG IN POT
OK. You are now mugging the jello.

>PLACE POT IN FRIDGE
The jello in the coffee pot begins to cool. Soon the mug will be suspended inside it.

>SMIRK
You are already smirking.

>STAB DWIGHT
With what?

>STAB DWIGHT WITH CARROT
You suddenly lunge toward Dwight with the carrot. Not being sure what you’re doing, he jerks backward and trips. The carrot snaps off as it hits his chest. Good prank: Dwight thought you were murdering him for a moment!

>PUT URINAL CAKE IN ICE
While Dwight is distracted, you hide a urinal cake in the ice he is eating to soothe his burned mouth.

>WAIT

The Awesomesaurus
Feb 15, 2006

I'm too cool to be extinct.

Jim sings at his desk. “Seven-hundred-and-sixty-one urinal cakes in my inventory, seven-hundred-and-sixty-one urinal cakes! I’ll take one out, shove it in Dwight’s mouth…”

Dwight interjects as he watches Jim in annoyance. “What ar- MMPHHH!” Jim shoves a urinal cake in Dwight’s open mouth.

“…seven-hundred-and-sixty urinal cakes in my inventory!”

Rascar Capac
Aug 31, 2016

Surprisingly nice, for an evil Inca mummy.
New kind of Jim just dropped:

https://twitter.com/notjessewalker/status/1587407970362707972?t=mR_59AKTkmxIiE3cmYF4MA&s=19

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
So is Angela a fundamentalist Muslim in that one? Would the show treat that as a good thing or a bad thing??

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
I'm sure Saudis find their fundamentalists as annoying as Christians find theirs, but are they allowed to be portrayed as annoying on TV?

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim puts his feet up on the desk, confronting Dwight with the bottom of his shoe (which is considered extremely rude in Saudi Arabia).

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

After going too far in a prank, Jim is finally fired from Dunder Mifflin. Charles Miner is brought in to make sure the firing sticks, and as Charles signs the last piece of paperwork, Jim breaks down crying.

"Please, for the love of God, this is all I have! THIS IS ALL I HAVE!"

As Hank the security guard takes Jim outside, the office is dead silent. Is Jim actually gone?

A month later, Jim's replacement (Tom) has become close friends with everyone in the office, especially Dwight. The crew decides to go out for drinks at Poor Richard's, and enjoy a night of laughs together as friends. Unbeknownst to anyone, Jim sits outside in the rain and watches them through a window. He sits perfectly still, unmoving and unblinking, for nearly an hour before slinking off in to the night.

A few days later, Tom is relaxing on a park bench on his lunch break when Jim approaches him.

"Hey, you mind if I sit down? I'm on my lunch break."

"No problem, plenty of room! I'm Tom, by the way."

"Jim. Nice to meet you. Hey, that ID badge - do you work for Dunder Mifflin? The paper company. I gotta tell ya - I have a ton of respect for paper salesmen. I mean, it's a hell of an industry, I used to be in it myself. You bust your rear end for little to no credit, but you're doing the Lord's work out there, brother."

"Thanks, I guess. It's just a job. But everyone I work with is really great so it's pretty fulfilling."

Jim's eyes grow narrower at this.

"Oh? But there must be at least ONE person in the office you don't get along with. Maybe some kind of weird doofus you like to play pranks on or something?"

"Nah, not me. Everybody's really great. In fact, the guy I sit next to? It's Dwight Schrute! Don't ask me how he keeps up his paper salesman job with all his charity stuff, but he does. He's tutoring my son in math, too. It's incredible."

"Yeah, yeah. Sounds really great. Really loving great."

Jim wanders off as Tom feels a chill go up his spine. Jim heads to IHOP and sits down.

"Can I get the Minions Ba-Ba Banana Pudding Pancake Combo?"

"Sorry, we haven't had that on the menu since this summer. Can I get you some regular banana pancakes?"

"NO! Listen to me you stupid loving waste of flesh. I WANT THE GODDAMN MINIONS PANCAKES! Jesus Christ, is this the world we're living in now? A man gets fired, he's seen as nothing at all, and the world spits on him? You'd give Dwight the Minions pancakes, wouldn't you? You stupid bastard, you'd give him everything he wanted! Tom, too! loving TOM!"

The police are called as Jim goes on a 15 minute rant that rattles every adult in the restaurant and causes most of the children to cry. One child coldly tells his mother that "there's no God anymore" as Jim launches into a complaint about Mars Needs Moms not getting a sequel. As the police drag Jim away, he sees a man across the street. Jim points an accusatory finger at him.

"TOM! YOU loving rear end in a top hat! THIS IS YOUR FAULT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

The man isn't Tom. As flecks of spit fly from Jim's mouth, the man ducks into a storefront, utterly terrified.

25 years later, PBS airs a "Where Are they Now?" featurette on everyone profiled on the documentary. Dwight is the President of the United States and is less than a week away from signing the final paperwork to finalize total nuclear disarmament across the world. He films a short video for the special, thanking everyone for their support (he won the 91% of the popular vote in his first election and 95% in the second) and promising them that the best is yet to come. As the show rolls on, the stories get a little less interesting than that.

Kevin owns a series of chili restaurants around the world and is the first person from Scranton to be awarded a Michelin Star, let alone 4 of them.

Oscar is the Governor of Pennsylvania and, as a strong supporter of the Schrute Agenda, has helped usher in a series of anti-discriminatory laws across the commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

Ryan is still a temp at Dunder Mifflin.

And, finally, the documentary gets to Jim. The music stops and a quick disclaimer pops up, warning viewers of the disturbing nature of events.

After Jim was arrested for the IHOP incident, his life began to spiral out of control. On March 17th, 2027 he held up a 7-11 in Scranton and demanded "reams of clown paper". When the clerk said he had no idea what Jim was talking about, Jim shot him. Unfortunately, since the pronoun wasn't totally clarified in that sentence, Jim shot himself. Bleeding out in an alleyway, an ambulance was eventually called and paramedics were able to stabilize Jim and take him to the Schrute Medical Center. As Jim was being wheeled from the ambulance to the emergency room, he broke loose of his restraints and escaped into the night.

Jim was never seen again, but the people of Scranton still report seeing him wandering the streets, howling like a mad animal.

The documentary then shows several reported photos of Jim taken on security cameras. The photos are all grainy and unclear, but seem to show an inhumanly tall and lean figure shambling around. The recap special ends with a final shot of Dwight being sworn in to the office of the President of the United States for the 2nd time. The rest of the office (minus Jim of course) is standing right beside him. The music then turns eerie as the camera begins to zoom in a corner of the photo.

A semi-obscured face with two eyes that shine like silver dollars peers out from behind a bleacher seat. Jim mugs for the camera.

mutantIke
Oct 24, 2022

Born in '04
Certified Zoomer
Jim convinces Dwight to participate in Movember.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim only makes it 9 and a half hours into "No Prank November".

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

After watching Dwight accidentally trip on a pile of wet leaves and sprawl embarrassingly to the floor, Jim only makes it 9 and a half hours into "No Nut November"

The Hello Machine
Jul 19, 2021

I'm not a real machine, but I am a real Hello-sayer.
Jim injects Dwight with peanut allergy serum, forcing him to participate in No "Nut" November.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Michael displays his impressive ice skating skillls before performing three perfect slap shots from halfway across the ice rink, arcing three hockey pucks into the goal at sixty miles per hour.

What Michael doesn’t know is that, one hour earlier, Jim replaced the hockey pucks with urinal cakes painted black, and turned Dwight into a hockey goal.

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Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
>INVENTORY
Jim's inventory includes:
(1) REAM OF CLOWN PAPER
(2) CARROTS
(757) URINAL CAKES
(1) JIM MUG
(1) PLASTIC KNIFE
(1) TEABAG
(3) SPLENDAS

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