(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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Ace, I apologize. I know this thread is here to vent, I just don't want to increase other people's anxiety. I fully admit my life has been a freakshow of over the top bad actors on top of capitalism crushing me.
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Feb 1, 2023 16:48
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Ronwayne posted:Ace, I apologize. I know this thread is here to vent, I just don't want to increase other people's anxiety. I fully admit my life has been a freakshow of over the top bad actors on top of capitalism crushing me. No, please don't apologize, I'm just saying I am also in the same boat. Sorry if I came across as dismissive.
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Feb 1, 2023 16:49
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No worries.
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Feb 1, 2023 18:16
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TBH I don't know how hostile the landscape is right now because my first obstacle is the burnout, social isolation, and seasonal affective disorder that got me fired. I have to craft strategic resumes for different industry sectors and have a system of form cover letters. I had 2 job offers to choose from at the end of my 2019 search, which was grueling. Even if it works out this time, the idea of continuing to do this every 3 years (my average tenure at a job before the company implodes or there are mass layoffs) in perpetuity is laughable. I thought I was going to be able to hang out at my last place for 5 years and research ways out of the industry. But COVID detonated the company culture, it went from something special where a business supported an organic community of people doing the same work, to a lovely extractive staffing agency that burned out half a dozen of my friends in a matter of months. They had the neoliberal reforms waiting in the wings for just such a catastrophe. Tungsten has issued a correction as of 20:22 on Feb 1, 2023 |
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Feb 1, 2023 20:17
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and oh my god the tone-deaf reveries about "diversity, equity, and inclusion" while all the members of minority groups scramble for survival and leave in droves and the network of old white men at the core of the company entrench themselves in their houses in the suburbs. I didn't learn to reflexively hate liberal platitudes until sitting through enough HR presentations at that place.
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Feb 1, 2023 20:27
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Ronwayne posted:"Why should anyone hire you over a 20 year old from Brigham Young?" Bottom fell out of my world, had a breakdown, my disability case is entering its 4th year, but thank christ, my 2nd hearing with a judge is around the corner. This is egregious on the part of your former boss, and the sort of place that would hire a horde of 20 year olds without degrees is going to be a shitshow anyway. But are the non-shitshows hiring, and would they hire someone with a career marked by disability, or retain them once their disability affects their work? I was born with a massive psychic and emotional debt and getting out from under that with philosophy and therapy ended up being my life's work. It's not good when your life's work costs you money. I did a whole big stupid hero's journey and finally became my parents' therapist like they implicitly demanded of me from the time that I was an infant, but that's all domestic work and therefore not part of the economy. My value to the economy is following orders and implementing modal dialogs and paginated API responses from scratch 30 different times. Time to go outside and scream at the sky. I'm helping?
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Feb 1, 2023 20:55
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since I am at heart a neoliberal subject i'm revisiting my DBT Brand Distress Tolerance Skills in an attempt to adapt myself to the needs of the marketplace. life grinds on edit: i need this because i fled to the countryside during covid and now risk being trapped here, in a place without public spaces or functioning community. i am a brain in a jar in the middle of the woods, like the guy in the lovecraft story edit 2: now that i've had a public meltdown i'm not getting panic attacks from allowing the notion of looking for work again to cross my mind. the invisible carrot of "good working conditions touching computers" is once again perpetually hovering 3 feet in front of my face. perhaps this makes me an idiot. ever tried ever failed etc etc. jesus christ there has to be another way out of this. there has to be. i just don't see it yet. in the meantime i'm "earning" my unemployment benefits by sending out resumes with summary of qualifications section and cover letter Tungsten has issued a correction as of 23:32 on Feb 1, 2023 |
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Feb 1, 2023 21:57
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Tungsten posted:and oh my god the tone-deaf reveries about "diversity, equity, and inclusion" while all the members of minority groups scramble for survival and leave in droves and the network of old white men at the core of the company entrench themselves in their houses in the suburbs. I didn't learn to reflexively hate liberal platitudes until sitting through enough HR presentations at that place. You took the words right out of my mouth. I work as a program assistant at a university. My workplace makes a huge deal about diversity, but most of its leadership consists of white people while the support staff is almost entirely POC. The higher ups have a huge savior complex and host biweekly "White Antiracist Affinity Groups" but are always condescending and patronizing toward my coworkers and me. We have a social justice credentialing program that is headed by a white woman and all but one of its instructors are white lol. I could write an entire essay about all the things that seem unsettling at my workplace regarding racial equity. Sometimes I don't know if it's just my anxiety exaggerating things but there are a bunch of times where I feel uncomfortable around my supervisors and feel like I'm in Get Out. Witeldram has issued a correction as of 23:37 on Feb 1, 2023 |
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Feb 1, 2023 23:34
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Witeldram posted:You took the words right out of my mouth. there comes a point where it stops reading as failure to embody certain values and starts reading as outright mockery of those values edit: yes, the Get Out point
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Feb 1, 2023 23:40
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My work situation has tipped over into completely unsustainable and frankly I should have already been out a while ago because its intrinsically unethical work that doesn't even pay as well as private sector things with transferable skills. But I have a pension and fantastic benefits and it should be a position that I can coast out for 30 years. As a friend said, it should be a source of boring stability that has instead turned into painful drama and uncertainty. I was pretty sick of it before and now its become untenable and the smart thing to do would be to take a leave of absence, milk them for all the health benefits i can, and then quit (my pension's vested so they can't take that from me without convicting me of many crimes first). But I'm being stubborn about it, they're making me miserable so I'm going to make them miserable back. Not exactly wise or adaptive behavior.
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Feb 2, 2023 00:24
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Tungsten posted:This is egregious on the part of your former boss, and the sort of place that would hire a horde of 20 year olds without degrees is going to be a shitshow anyway. But are the non-shitshows hiring, and would they hire someone with a career marked by disability, or retain them once their disability affects their work? Yeah, similar on my end as well. The threshold for social security disability is "cannot do any sort of work under any sort of accommodation", which, considering I don't think most employers would tolerate "constant suicidal ideation and being a weird spectrum dude," is going to be what I'm going to present to the lawyer and hope they can argue it to the judge.
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Feb 2, 2023 01:22
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I've been trying to pray for a few months now because my dad encouraged it, and although I feel like it helped me with anxiety for a bit, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that's it's kind of a mean trick. It seems like the more I pray the more given I become to magical thinking and that my problems are going to resolve themselves, when the only one who can resolve them is me. Pray harder or pray the right way be patient whatever, the only thing that's real is my will. E: it's also ironic that the most boring part of church is the music, at least when the bishop or pastor is speaking I might learn something. "Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." - Voltaire America Inc. has issued a correction as of 04:22 on Feb 2, 2023 |
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Feb 2, 2023 04:02
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My therapist in college warned me a bit about prayer but for a different reason. He basically said that praying can cause someone to ruminate a lot and therefore make their anxiety worse.
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Feb 2, 2023 05:07
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Some people get a lot out of prayer for a bunch of different reasons, but trying to force a square peg in a round hole doesn't help anybody. I think the most common form of religion as relief is the simple belief in a higher authority, like what 12 step programs reference, which kind of absolves you of some of your individual responsibility for all the poo poo in, uh, life, but also makes you beholden to trying to improve it for the sake of something outside yourself. I can't say I jive with that but it seems to work for some people.
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Feb 2, 2023 08:03
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i think prayer-like meditation can be useful even as a materialist as kind of a way for recognizing goals, desires, and weaknesses. there is a small amount of evidence to suggest they help cement these things at a different level neurally by combination of focus, meditation, and physical action; like, if it makes sense, it can help you accomplish things and solve problems by processing them in a way you don't usually do. no supernatural belief necessary.
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Feb 2, 2023 08:26
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mawarannahr posted:i think prayer-like meditation can be useful even as a materialist as kind of a way for recognizing goals, desires, and weaknesses. there is a small amount of evidence to suggest they help cement these things at a different level neurally by combination of focus, meditation, and physical action; like, if it makes sense, it can help you accomplish things and solve problems by processing them in a way you don't usually do. no supernatural belief necessary. as obnoxious as 20th century right-libertarian spiritualists were, from alastair crowley to ivan stang, i think this is a valid insight
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Feb 2, 2023 15:33
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mawarannahr posted:i think prayer-like meditation can be useful even as a materialist as kind of a way for recognizing goals, desires, and weaknesses. there is a small amount of evidence to suggest they help cement these things at a different level neurally by combination of focus, meditation, and physical action; like, if it makes sense, it can help you accomplish things and solve problems by processing them in a way you don't usually do. no supernatural belief necessary. This makes sense. Prayer and mindfulness cause me to dwell a lot more in negative thoughts, but I can see how it can give other people more clarity and peace of mind. Small victory today? I found out today that my university provides wellness counseling for its employees, so I was able to schedule an appointment tomorrow afternoon because my job is mentally killing me. This is my first counseling appointment since summer 2021, and the first counselor I'm seeing since college.
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Feb 2, 2023 20:37
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Witeldram posted:This makes sense. Prayer and mindfulness cause me to dwell a lot more in negative thoughts, but I can see how it can give other people more clarity and peace of mind. Nice! And yea I get mad about the use of mindfulness as a panacea, which has lead to a backlash of believing it does nothing. A pretty classic cycle of "this does a thing" to "this does every thing" to "this doesn't x so it can't do everything" to "it can't do anything." It isn't a useful process for dealing with overthinking and spiraling, we have different tools for those!
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Feb 2, 2023 21:00
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Jorge Bell posted:Some people get a lot out of prayer for a bunch of different reasons, but trying to force a square peg in a round hole doesn't help anybody. I think the most common form of religion as relief is the simple belief in a higher authority, like what 12 step programs reference, which kind of absolves you of some of your individual responsibility for all the poo poo in, uh, life, but also makes you beholden to trying to improve it for the sake of something outside yourself. I can't say I jive with that but it seems to work for some people. I'm definitely starting to see the appeal in deferring to a higher power to correct the wrongs of life and "giving it to God", because I definitely can't personally pummel every corrupt official and corporate officer, or even just one.
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Feb 3, 2023 20:13
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skooma512 posted:I'm definitely starting to see the appeal in deferring to a higher power to correct the wrongs of life and "giving it to God", because I definitely can't personally pummel every corrupt official and corporate officer, or even just one. The idea of Jesus is basically that he takes on all the bullshit of humanity in himself so that everyone else can be flawed and forgiven. Jesus is forever taking one for the team, in exchange for being the one that judges you in the end.
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Feb 4, 2023 03:02
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mawarannahr posted:i think prayer-like meditation can be useful even as a materialist as kind of a way for recognizing goals, desires, and weaknesses. there is a small amount of evidence to suggest they help cement these things at a different level neurally by combination of focus, meditation, and physical action; like, if it makes sense, it can help you accomplish things and solve problems by processing them in a way you don't usually do. no supernatural belief necessary. Recently started making an effort to venture into this space - definitely agree with you here. Sometimes I have a hard time staying grounded when I try and see the bigger picture around me. Taking a deep breath really helps me disconnect from any anxiety I may be carrying.
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Feb 4, 2023 05:35
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My therapy session on Friday went pretty well. I'm still anxious and catastrophizing about a lot of things, but I know therapy isn't an immediate solution to my problems but a stepping stone to feeling better. Every time I start a therapy session I'm always worried that I won't be able to unpack everything and explain my problems thoroughly, but I think my therapist understood my work and housing situation very well, especially for a first session. All in all just a productive session and I'm already looking forward to my next session this Friday. It's a nice change to have weekly sessions. I'm not used to this since my counseling center in my undergrad used to be so under capacity that I could only see my therapist once a month lol
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Feb 5, 2023 11:04
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I'm worried about later today, having to physically see my lovely parents for the first time in years. The only reason I'm even considering this, is due to my grandmother passing last year - due to COVID there wasn't a memorial service but there's one today. My grandmother was the only one who even attempted to try and understand what was going on, and help. I really hated the circumstances of her passing, not really being able to say goodbye because of both family drama and health restrictions at the facility she was at. Since there was no memorial at the time, I have been half assuming there was a service but I just didn't get invited. That's been lovely to live with. But now that I know there's going to be a service, I now have to face the fact that I'm going to have to see my family. Going to try my damnedest to not let anything they say or do get to me too much, but honestly, the thought of even just seeing them is distressing. My partner is going to be there for me and help to run interference with my relatives, and I'm trying to mentally prepare. I know it's going to suck, but I also know that if I bailed on going, my brain is going to torment me with hypotheticals and worthlessness feelings. So I've just got to grit my teeth and get it done. Hoping for a not terrible afternoon 🤞
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Feb 5, 2023 15:48
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Witeldram posted:Every time I start a therapy session I'm always worried that I won't be able to unpack everything and explain my problems thoroughly, but I think my therapist understood my work and housing situation very well, especially for a first session. Do you make an agenda prior to the session? It helps me with getting my thoughts together.
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Feb 5, 2023 20:55
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Trauts posted:memorial service Hope this went well and you got to say goodbye to your grandma without a lot of extra bullshit!
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Feb 6, 2023 00:08
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Jorge Bell posted:Hope this went well and you got to say goodbye to your grandma without a lot of extra bullshit! Thanks, I made it through it. I'm glad that I went rather than not, but drat did it highlight why I've been no contact with them for a while now. Barely managed a few hugs and short sentences before having to leave, but didn't shut down in front of them, so that's a win. Seeing my mom was good, but super sad. Same with my brother. Seeing my dad was infuriating, there's something especially terrible about someone who just refuses to acknowledge anything is or could be wrong with the way they have handled things. Got a lot of feelings about everything, and really am just wanting to press fast forward and get back to the mental place where I just don't think about them, and then they can't gently caress with my head. Its just a lovely situation. 
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Feb 6, 2023 02:18
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hell yeah, happy for you trauts! personally i've been dealing with a bunch of gut problems and fatigue over the last week, especially coming on late in the day. im pretty sure it's a physical problem driving it because i've had a couple scenarios where i'm feeling mostly emotionally fulfilled- like having some friends over for a game night- but still feeling like poo poo physically. got a doctor's appointment in two days so hopefully we should get something started then. plus on top of loving with my mood it's causing lots of insane hypochondria (i definitely have diabetes and it's definitely going to kill me tonight somehow) and probably making it hard to sleep. hopefully i can get it sorted out as soon as possible and try and get it out of the picture
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Feb 7, 2023 03:16
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Oh hey, gut-problems-and-fatigue buddy. Hope you get that worked out; I had just been debating on where/if to sling my own whinging post about a very similar issue, ha. E: Editing out my own whinging as it feels out of place, but it is good to vent from time to time. Shady Amish Terror has issued a correction as of 17:48 on Feb 8, 2023 |
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Feb 8, 2023 15:51
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I'm just feeling utterly in the pits. And I don't know how to get better. I really don't want to spend several months trying to book a psychiatrist who then takes one look at me and refuses to perscribe me anything because "I don't look unwell". I don't understand why neither the Netherlands nor Norway apparently believe in mental health, or at least not for foreigners. I dunno what to do.
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Feb 8, 2023 21:18
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AceOfFlames posted:I'm just feeling utterly in the pits. And I don't know how to get better. I really don't want to spend several months trying to book a psychiatrist who then takes one look at me and refuses to perscribe me anything because "I don't look unwell". I don't understand why neither the Netherlands nor Norway apparently believe in mental health, or at least not for foreigners. I dunno what to do. I don't know if you can or if it is the same there, but back in Portugal when I was there (am Portuguese) I would use private mental health as the public one was pretty bad.
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Feb 9, 2023 04:55
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I've been yelling at chuds in the replies to Nina Turner tweets. It feels good to single one out and blast em.
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Feb 11, 2023 22:24
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Shady Amish Terror posted:Oh hey, gut-problems-and-fatigue buddy. Hope you get that worked out; I had just been debating on where/if to sling my own whinging post about a very similar issue, ha. Hey I'm coming back to this a few days later to say the venting was fine and I hope it was helpful to you. I don't know what your financial/insurance situation is but I do find that just seeing a doctor to get a basic "no, you're not dying right now" checkup is helpful just to stave off hypochondria, and maybe you'll get some advice on things to try to help. I've been doing a little better just trying antacids and being able to have at least a first step to try and see if it works. (Though to complain again real fast, I was looking forward to going to a miniature wargame tournament this weekend but had to cancel because I'm still not feeling up to driving three hours in the night immediately after work.)
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Feb 11, 2023 22:30
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I've noticed that there seems to be a relation between how you communicate with a friend and how reliable they are. I, like most millennials, like to text people over calling them. But when you're only communicating with someone by text, you're losing a lot of the nuance and humanity of the person. I ask friends if they want to do something or hang out by text and they ghost. But if I call them, it's more likely that I can pull their attention enough and remind them of me that they'll go along. My therapist pointed this out and encouraged me to start calling people more, and it seems to be help with maintaining friendships. I think this is also why I get ghosted a lot on dating apps; it's just so different to actually hear someone's voice and engage the empathetic parts of the brain versus looking at a picture and text. This is also especially relevant here because we all love to post so much.
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Feb 12, 2023 08:34
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I loving swear it seems the closer people are to me the worse they treat me. I literally got a text with an Amazon link followed by "Buy this for your nieces birthday. Order now so you don't forget". No please, no thank you, no hello, no goodbye. And people think it's hosed up when i say my bosses are the people who treat me with the most courtesy. At least they don't take me for granted. And whenever i push back on this my family goes "What, you want us to test you like a strange? Don't you understand we car and thus are BEYOND those kinds of petty courtesies?" Ugh.
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Feb 12, 2023 15:09
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America Inc. posted:I've noticed that there seems to be a relation between how you communicate with a friend and how reliable they are. I, like most millennials, like to text people over calling them. But when you're only communicating with someone by text, you're losing a lot of the nuance and humanity of the person. This works in other ways too I've found. When dealing with bureaucracies, if I can get a human to talk to I usually can get stuff done. Only the most ironclad "If you somehow managed to get through phone hell it'll just go to the receptionist who will tell you to leave a voicemail at a call box that is full and hangup" will stop. That's when you start trying to find internal phone numbers, even if its a rando, it'll usually be "Oh, I'm sorry, I was trying to reach *department*" and they'll usually transfer me.
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Feb 12, 2023 20:41
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Oh no shitposting at bad repliers to Nina Turner tweets is actually making me insane now! gently caress! e: Every time she posts something so milquetoast as like "housing is a human right" there are people that get in there to be like "I respect your goals but your means are violent" and I poo poo on them because it is a noble & good thing to do, but they are persistent and NEVER acknowledge when they gently caress up and are SO drat STUPID, there is room to talk about laws as coercion and the inherent violence of the state, but these fuckheads never seem to realize that the far more immediate and severe violent coercion is the capitalist violence of homelessness & starvation if you're not good at making money. They just absolutely refuse to look that goat in the eye and it's infuriating! I have to go to the dentist but I need to keep yelling at these morons! Jorge Bell has issued a correction as of 19:14 on Feb 13, 2023 |
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Feb 13, 2023 19:10
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Jorge Bell posted:Oh no shitposting at bad repliers to Nina Turner tweets is actually making me insane now! gently caress! There is no sanity to be acquired by using Twitter. Posting in general is a prickly affair, and unless you're helping other people with their problems with goodness and sincerity, you're playing with fire.
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Feb 13, 2023 19:18
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Jorge Bell posted:Oh no shitposting at bad repliers to Nina Turner tweets is actually making me insane now! gently caress! You won't ever get through to them and it isn't worth your mental well-being to try. By all means, blow off steam by screaming at dipshits, but don't hurt yourself or expend precious energy on reaching out to people who can't be reached
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Feb 14, 2023 10:29
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Yeah I've been adjusting to less back and forth and more drive by "gently caress yous" before blocking, it's way better.
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Feb 14, 2023 22:28
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the good news is I've been feeling a lot better this week! The bad news is that actually having nonzero energy in the evenings means I'm not getting to bed when I'd like to
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Feb 14, 2023 22:41
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