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So they didn't even really interact with your daughter? Do they just want to show off their house or something? I think your husband just has to tell them you can't travel and that's it. If they escalate the issue then  .
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Feb 13, 2023 18:57
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hallo spacedog posted:I don't even think my in-laws are 60 yet so they're not what I'd consider elderly. The background is FiL is a cop, they're kind of chuddy in general and they have never had a very close relationship with my husband. We went to Xmas twice when they were living closer and other than like Xmas Eve and Xmas morning I was surprised to find that they just do not spend time with each other doing anything and never really have. This sounds exactly like my family and my wifes family. It's good to know that others are dealing with the same kind of issues even if solutions are hard to find
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Feb 13, 2023 18:58
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hallo spacedog posted:I don't even think my in-laws are 60 yet so they're not what I'd consider elderly. The background is FiL is a cop, they're kind of chuddy in general and they have never had a very close relationship with my husband. We went to Xmas twice when they were living closer and other than like Xmas Eve and Xmas morning I was surprised to find that they just do not spend time with each other doing anything and never really have. My view is it is so much easier for mobile 60-year-olds to make the trip to visit somebody than it is to pack up kids and all the associated crap that comes with kids and throw off your schedule and your routine and expect your kids to thrive in a non baby proofed place and and and... So if neither you nor your partner wants to make the trip, I agree with you that it's not worth it.
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Feb 13, 2023 18:58
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Hi OP, sounds like I am your husband. My wife is also enmeshed in her family life and I'm a good soldier through all her events. She always reacts so poorly when my family pops up once every 5 years. You gotta follow your husband's lead on this, because the retired cop wrinkle is a biggie and I can't tell if you are a woman or gay. I can tell through your story that those folks generally have a) infinite money from their pension and b) never been told no in their life ever. Best of luck navigating~ whether it is through highways or saying no.
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Feb 13, 2023 19:06
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sheri posted:My view is it is so much easier for mobile 60-year-olds to make the trip to visit somebody than it is to pack up kids and all the associated crap that comes with kids and throw off your schedule and your routine and expect your kids to thrive in a non baby proofed place and and and... Thanks yeah, that's the other thing - baby proofing. My mom insist on renting a beach house over the summer that we went to and between the long drive, the house that seemed entirely designed to murder my child and everything else it was just 100% miserable, would never do again. My parents live about 35 min from me and I don't even like to make that drive to them with the baby because she doesn't like the car and they also refuse to baby proof. KirbyKhan posted:Hi OP, sounds like I am your husband. My wife is also enmeshed in her family life and I'm a good soldier through all her events. She always reacts so poorly when my family pops up once every 5 years. You gotta follow your husband's lead on this, because the retired cop wrinkle is a biggie and I can't tell if you are a woman or gay. I can tell through your story that those folks generally have a) infinite money from their pension and b) never been told no in their life ever. I have taken a big step back from my family in the last few years because of how miserable they make me even though they are close by. I don't like dealing with them more than I have to but they love making a huge deal out of holidays and all that. I'm a woman. My husband also does not want to go at all and I've told him many times before if it is at all important to him I can make it happen but he says he really doesn't want to. He just asks me each time it comes up, so I wanted to see if anyone had a better solution than be straight-forward every single time. Sounds like there isn't one. I'm more probably just venting at this point. hallo spacedog fucked around with this message at 19:14 on Feb 13, 2023 |
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Feb 13, 2023 19:09
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Our second baby is due on Sunday, and we’ve told them every week since 2 months ago that we’ll be foregoing any interactions with any family for at least 2 weeks leading up to the birth. Knowing this, My mom still offered to make dinner at our home last night, my in-laws wanted to see us on Tuesday (forgetting that it was Valentine’s Day) and wanted to plan a date night for us on Sunday (forgetting that’s the loving due date). All the boundary setting and stern communication does not matter. They are delusional, and will jump to hurt and offense as a tactic. It’s very toxic and stressful. The only actually good advice is listen to your gut and communicate with your partner
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Feb 14, 2023 01:00
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meanolmrcloud posted:Our second baby is due on Sunday, and we’ve told them every week since 2 months ago that we’ll be foregoing any interactions with any family for at least 2 weeks leading up to the birth. Knowing this, My mom still offered to make dinner at our home last night, my in-laws wanted to see us on Tuesday (forgetting that it was Valentine’s Day) and wanted to plan a date night for us on Sunday (forgetting that’s the loving due date). Thanks for this and sorry you're going through it too. We are also in a situation where neither set of grandparents are really rational and both are extremely toxic and boundary stomping so remembering to just trust ourselves and stick to our guns is probably the best we could do. Like a year ago MiL promised she would stop asking us to come up until we were ready...
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Feb 14, 2023 01:53
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So we’ve got our newborn home for about a week now. He was about a month premature so he’s just reaching when his original due date was. We’ve got a baby monitor with video, how often do you all check one of those things when the kid is laid in his crib? I feel like I’m watching it constantly. Should I just peek when he makes lots of noise? Always have it in my peripheral vision?
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Feb 14, 2023 02:50
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The only TV show we watch now is How Much Will Our Baby Wiggle, Thrash, and Wave Before Sleeping or Crying. It's on for about thirty minutes every night. We also gamble with each over how long the cries will go. Reverse Price is Right rules, so if you bid highest but still not long enough, you get to be the next sleep soother. Giant Metal Robot fucked around with this message at 03:14 on Feb 14, 2023 |
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Feb 14, 2023 03:10
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Has anyone else pretended to be sound asleep to get out of your turn for overnight feeding/changes? I....used to. My kids are older now, bit this thread made me think of that
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Feb 14, 2023 03:18
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Eeyo posted:So we’ve got our newborn home for about a week now. He was about a month premature so he’s just reaching when his original due date was. We’ve got a baby monitor with video, how often do you all check one of those things when the kid is laid in his crib? I feel like I’m watching it constantly. Should I just peek when he makes lots of noise? Always have it in my peripheral vision? I actually had to get rid of the video monitor and just get an audio only one otherwise I found myself too focused on it and it was detrimental to my sleep.
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Feb 14, 2023 03:22
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My therapist told me to turn off the video display and only look if there was noise. So yeah watching it too much is definitely a thing.
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Feb 14, 2023 03:54
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Eeyo posted:So we’ve got our newborn home for about a week now. He was about a month premature so he’s just reaching when his original due date was. We’ve got a baby monitor with video, how often do you all check one of those things when the kid is laid in his crib? I feel like I’m watching it constantly. Should I just peek when he makes lots of noise? Always have it in my peripheral vision? This is 100% normal for a new parent with a brand new baby. It will (should) get easier to not watch constantly as they get older. But in the meanwhile, you don’t need to be watching them at all, really. If the kid wakes and wants something they will definitely make it known. I would put it somewhere where I could hear it, and glance if I needed to, but not in sight. At night time I’d put the screen face down on the floor, because they are so bright the light would keep me up. Video is nice because you can see if they actually are wanting a parent, or if they are just making noise but still perfectly content. Video (and baby monitors in general) are honestly not a necessity at all, they just make things a little more convenient. If you’re getting distressed about it, try going without, or just to sound like Sheri said. FWIW I sleep with a loud fan and ear plugs, and I will still hear my son cry from the next room over the second he wakes up. Speaking of that, my daughter turns four in less than two months. Two weeks ago, both kids slept through the night for the first time ever, for three nights in a row. I thought it might have been the end of night waking, but they’ve seemed to have wanted revenge or something and have regressed waaaay back. For two weeks now my daughter has been up twice a night and my son at least twice, usually three times. Four plus years of not sleeping through the night. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
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Feb 14, 2023 04:09
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Eeyo posted:So we’ve got our newborn home for about a week now. He was about a month premature so he’s just reaching when his original due date was. We’ve got a baby monitor with video, how often do you all check one of those things when the kid is laid in his crib? I feel like I’m watching it constantly. Should I just peek when he makes lots of noise? Always have it in my peripheral vision? Over 2 years and I still check it multiple times a night. Up until like 20 months, it was mostly anxiety, now it’s just routine and to see the funny poses. Video is super helpful to determine actual discomfort, and to get a better determination if noises are temporary or if it’s a more serious distress. You get a pretty good sense by the body language if they are awake for good, or about to go back to sleep in their own.
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Feb 14, 2023 04:22
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I think a 3:1 ratio of [grandparents come to vist:you go there] is an acceptable ask. We all make compromises. Other options might include Greyhound Bus or Amtrak? Amtrak is gloriously luxurious, every seat is the equivalent of a first class seat on an airplane, since there are no weight or space penalties on a train. Maybe they can drive an hour to come pick you up at the train station. Flights under 3 hours are very doable with toddlers. Generally they will let you board first/in advance of everyone and let you be awkward parents with a toddler out of sight of most of the people boarding. You can check the stroller at the entrance to the plane so you get to go all but the last 100 feet (literally just walking down the aisle of the plane) with the stroller which is super nice. We have some special circumstances and flew ~10 times last year with car seat/toddler/stroller with no issues. With a car seat, as soon as you take off the excitement ends and they usually pass out in the car seat like in the car. Flight crew will bend over backwards to help you out. See if the grandparents will cover 50% of the airline tickets if you explain to them your situation. Double check your car seat is FAA approved, otherwise they'll have to sit in your lap during takeoff/landing. Once they are 2 you have to pay for their seat, so flying at 20 months is a lot cheaper than flying at 24 months if you can swing it. We make plans with the grandparents like 6 months in advance for: 1) who we are seeing for thanksgiving 2) if we're going to them, or they're going to us for thanksgiving 3) who we are seeing for christmas 4) who is going where for christmas Generally we switch sides of the family for thanksgiving/christmas. We usually pay for my mom to come visit us since she is a widower + retired and it's 1/3rd the cost for her to come see us, but we did go see her this year for thanksgiving.
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Feb 14, 2023 06:56
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If your family is poo poo, real winners quit
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Feb 14, 2023 07:22
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We are at 6?10? : 1 in-law grandparents visit vs us flying. They moved from DC to the gulf coast when they retired, so they understand that it's a huge ask for us to come down. And even that was a huge family reunion. Kiddo was 18m I think when we flew, which worked out surprisingly well when we scheduled the flights to coincide with naptime. I was still a big ol' ball of anxiety from getting in the car to arriving, but that's just me. They have a big rear end RV and love to travel up and down the coast, so the 14hr drive is something they make but would never ask us to. My dad flies in from Phoenix once every 5 weeks to spend a weekend or just a day visiting his grandkid, and while he's remarked that it would be nice for us to visit he would never push it due to understanding lol flying with kids is an exercise in frustration. Spacedog, if you don't like the in-laws, and your husband doesn't either, then don't make the effort unless there is some externality (inheritance? School recommendations?). If they cared enough to want a relationship with your kid they would make the effort and also understand that 8 goddamn hours in a car with a ~2 year old is not something you do unless there is a heroic-level reason.
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Feb 14, 2023 12:37
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What does a bathroom wear when it goes to school? A BATH-pack lol
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Feb 14, 2023 12:44
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Hadlock posted:Other options might include Greyhound Bus or Amtrak? Amtrak is gloriously luxurious, every seat is the equivalent of a first class seat on an airplane, since there are no weight or space penalties on a train. Maybe they can drive an hour to come pick you up at the train station. Trains are awesome. Babies and toddlers love not being strapped down. We've had no problem at all going to my in-laws for 8h trips by train (plus an hour by car at their end) ever since baby was 3 months old. Bring age-appropriate non-noisy stuff (coloring books etc). Let them nap on your lap. Wear the baby if it likes it. It's cozy, as long as you remembered to go to the bathroom before their nap. Shifty Pony posted:My therapist told me to turn off the video display and only look if there was noise. We had the crib in our room for the first 2 years so we never got one. Would have been really convenient when on trips, like at friend's who have large houses, but we didn't travel much then anyway.
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Feb 14, 2023 12:59
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Brawnfire posted:What does a bathroom wear when it goes to school? lol!
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Feb 14, 2023 13:15
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That's an A+ joke because it's, shockingly enough, not about poop.
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Feb 14, 2023 13:16
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BigBallChunkyTime posted:Has anyone else pretended to be sound asleep to get out of your turn for overnight feeding/changes? I think it's practically an instinct when you have a newborn and you're sleep deprived. Always better to talk to your partner and take turns or something though
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Feb 14, 2023 13:31
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Eeyo posted:So we’ve got our newborn home for about a week now. He was about a month premature so he’s just reaching when his original due date was. We’ve got a baby monitor with video, how often do you all check one of those things when the kid is laid in his crib? I feel like I’m watching it constantly. Should I just peek when he makes lots of noise? Always have it in my peripheral vision? Every new parent, including me, spent a lot of time watching the monitor at night and wondering if the baby was being too quiet. It gets easier to relax over time. As others said, if they are upset you'll loving know. Video is most useful, again as others said, for just seeing how exactly they were making any specific noise. Over time, you come to realize that they are probably just being a noisy sleeper as they figure out how to sleep. And that's something that a lot of people just don't think about. Everyone needs to learn how to do things you can't imagine you actually needed to learn, like sleep or eat.
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Feb 14, 2023 14:49
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G-Spot Run posted:If your family is poo poo, real winners quit 
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Feb 14, 2023 14:58
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I never got addicted to the baby monitor because I could never pry it out of my wife's clutches.
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Feb 14, 2023 14:58
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KirbyKhan posted:I never got addicted to the baby monitor because I could never pry it out of my wife's clutches. My favourite is when my wife'll put the baby monitor right up to her ear and strains to hear whether my son is awake Meanwhile every time he so much as rolls over it sounds like a radio broadcast of a microphone in an avalanche. I don't think you gotta listen that close.
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Feb 14, 2023 15:26
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Watched it like a hawk probably the first 3 months, then eased up on it more and more as my kid started to sleep for longer stretches. At this point the video is only on to see her goofy sleep poses and I just listen for the audio.
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Feb 14, 2023 15:41
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Our monitor displays the room temperature which is handy because we live in an ancient crapshack with old lovely radiators so being able to see if it's ice cold or boiling is nice
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Feb 14, 2023 15:44
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Hand foot and mouth. Just days since we got over rebound Covid. Nice. When does it end? And don’t tell me “when you die” because I’m already dead inside and it keeps happening.
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Feb 14, 2023 15:55
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Eventually the video monitor turns from an object of paranoid obsession into "Hey let's see what crazy position kiddo is sleeping in right now! Whoa, does he actually have any bones?"
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Feb 14, 2023 15:59
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Eeyo posted:So we’ve got our newborn home for about a week now. He was about a month premature so he’s just reaching when his original due date was. We’ve got a baby monitor with video, how often do you all check one of those things when the kid is laid in his crib? I feel like I’m watching it constantly. Should I just peek when he makes lots of noise? Always have it in my peripheral vision? To be honest, when both our kids were infants I'm not sure the video was ever really useful except for reassurance. As they got a bit older I'd catch them pulling to a stand or trying to climb out of the crib, at which point I knew I either had to drop the crib mattress more or eventually move them to beds. Once my daughter was making a lot of noise and I could see that she got her leg stuck, but she was making enough noise I'd probably go up there anyways. Even with just audio, I'm a pretty light sleeper so any slight moan or whatever from the kids and I would wake up. Thing is, if they're really putting up a fuss I'd eventually hear it even without the monitor, but the times I accidentally left the monitor off or on silent I'm sure they woke up, cried a bit, sorted themselves out, and went back to sleep while I slept through it. So if that ends up happening it might be time to turn the monitor off for your own sanity. That said, I totally get the paranoia around checking the monitor for infants. SIDS is so drat scary and I'd never wish that on my worst enemy.
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Feb 14, 2023 15:59
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Some folks would question being enemies with a baby, but the newborn phase is just that rough.
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Feb 14, 2023 16:10
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My kid started sleeping like this: And it’s very cute, but where did he learn this? Why is he putting his hands behind his head like Homer Simpson? We still have the baby monitor going for audio but nice to be out of the newborn anxiety phase. I still check video every now and then and zoom way in “is he breathing? Ok yeah I can see chest movement”. I dunno if that will ever go away. Little dude played with blocks with me for an hour straight, it was awesome. Can’t wait to graduate from Mega Bloks to Lego but man just chilling and enjoying a fun little creative activity with your kid is the pinnacle of being a parent.
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Feb 14, 2023 16:36
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It's one of the signs of double jointedness: being able to rest with arm pillows.
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Feb 14, 2023 16:45
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We always had our monitor set to turn on video only if it hit a noise threshold (which was at crying-or-yelling-level rather than happy-babble-level). I haven't removed it from our 4yo's room but it's turned off 95% of the time. I still peep on her every once in a while if I hear something at night - sometimes it's her, upset at a bad dream, and sometimes it's rando neighbour noise. She seems to be entering the "Secret Midnight Reading" phase her older brother went through at the same age. He'd wake up in the middle of the night, think "Ha! No one can stop me from doing what I want!", and I'd find him in the morning with the lights on, asleep on the floor in front of an open book. It was adorable but also a nightmare because he'd be grumpy as hell from lack of sleep the next afternoon and there was no real way we could stop it. So far, his sister is reading in her bed instead of the floor, at least...
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Feb 14, 2023 16:56
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We had a video monitor for our first child but it was just awful For some reason, if it lost the network or power for a second, it would SPIN AROUND AND BEEP LOUDLY. Which isn't optimal for a baby monitor. It had many other faults, so eventually we ditched it and ended up on an audio only backup. It can be so nerve-wracking at times to just hear a bunch of crazy rustling and not be sure if they're strangling themselves in bedsheets or the cat is trying to sleep in the hamper again. But the house is the size of a shoebox, maybe boots.
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Feb 14, 2023 17:12
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gbut posted:Hand foot and mouth. Just days since we got over rebound Covid. Nice. Somewhere between early and middle elementary years! It does end, I swear.
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Feb 14, 2023 17:16
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Wyze cameras and the associated software suite subscription has been nice so far. I don't like checking it, but when I do it works. It hooks right into wife, mine, and gramma's cellphone and none of the video is stored. $10/month/camera so it's economical if you're just getting one for baby monitoring. Eventually, I want to Linux a bunch of cameras together to all feed into an always-on workstation that me or wife or Patreon supporters can access. I want to store every second of activity onto a NAS that is stored in archeologically approved cold storage. I want all that but lmao I'm never gonna review any of it. Not a single second. If I need to know if my son is alive I grunt twice and wait for him to respond with his two grunts.
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Feb 14, 2023 17:26
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Eeyo posted:So we’ve got our newborn home for about a week now. He was about a month premature so he’s just reaching when his original due date was. We’ve got a baby monitor with video, how often do you all check one of those things when the kid is laid in his crib? I feel like I’m watching it constantly. Should I just peek when he makes lots of noise? Always have it in my peripheral vision? It doesn't matter what anyone tells you, you'll still find yourself watching it constantly if it's on. Hell, mine is about to turn 7 and I still make sure she's breathing when she's asleep. Today she shared the amazing biology fact that frogs do not have buttholes and therefore poop and fart from their mouths. Some real David Attenborough poo poo.
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Feb 14, 2023 19:21
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Does anyone have any tips on getting a two-year-old to nap? She does nap at daycare, but at home it's 2 hours of babbling quietly in her cot (at best) or shrieking and jumping around her room (at worst). Occasionally she'll give us hope and fall asleep, usually if she's sick, done something tiring like swimming lessons in the morning, or had a tantrum from mummy and daddy being Very Stern and then passing out after all that emotional effort. TBH we've let this go on for a while as we figured she makes up for the 2 days of missed naps during the 5 days of daycare. But daycare's had some recent closures thanks to climate change and all of us are exhausted. She gets much crankier in the evenings when she doesn't nap, so she clearly still needs it, but we just have no reliable way of getting her to sleep. Anyone faced a similar issue?
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Feb 14, 2023 19:58
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