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"Don't worry, Dwight. I know EXACTLY how to fix things with Angela! You guys like movies, right? And Angela loves Macauley Culkin right? You ever see My Girl?" Dwight admits that no, he hasn't. Jim already knew this, of course. "Great! Go stream My Girl. It's a coming of age story where a girl falls in love with Macauley Culkin. I won't spoil things, but it has a REALLY great ending. And, hey, while I'm at it - Angela's still deathly afraid of bees, right? Because her childhood friend was stung to death by them?" Dwight says that yes, that's true, although he's not sure how that's relevant here. "Oh, just because there are absolutely no bees in this movie. In fact, you might call this the anti-Bee Movie. So yeah, go check that out tonight, I'm sure you'll be slapping meat together before you know it!" Dwight thanks Jim and returns to work, eager to check out what he believes will be a light-hearted, bee-free coming of age drama. Jim mugs for the camera, then mimes getting stung by bees and dying. When Dwight asks what he's doing, Jim says he's just "so deeply in love right now".
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Feb 14, 2023 17:56
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| # ? May 30, 2024 18:00 |
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Dwight heads to Scranton's #1 erotic bakery (Nothing Butt Cakes) to try and pick up a sexy cake for Valentine's Day. As the baker starts showing him penis-shaped baked goods, Dwight feels a twang of recognition. Is he crazy, or do all of the penis cannolis look a lot like his own genitalia? He politely asks where the get the penis molds from. "Oh, we have a vendor. The whole east coast pretty much uses this guy for molds, cake pans, you name it. Real floppy guy, you know the type. But man, he sure can make a penis mold." Dwight thanks the baker and purchases a cake shaped like two people engaged in the missionary position, then heads home. Several months ago he woke up with a strange powdery substance on his penis. He thought it was perhaps some kind of residue from his freshly laundered underpants. But, now, he wonders if it was perhaps plaster. Dwight absent-mindedly enjoys the sexy cake (it's raspberry filled) but wonders, not for the first time, how close Jim has been to his genitals.
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Feb 14, 2023 18:09
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Turns out it was Oscar
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Feb 14, 2023 18:15
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Jim yells from the conference room. "Dwight help me, get in here, I'm having a stroke!" Dwight leaps up heroically from his seat and rushes to the conference room door. But as he puts his hand on the doorknob, he pauses. "Jim is this another masturbation joke?" "No Dwight, I'm really having a stroke and need you to open the door! Hurry" "Jim, have you heard the fable of the boy who cried wolf? I've already caught you masturbating six times this week. And even though there's nothing in the employee handbook that specifically prohibits it, if I have to see your floppy" "Dwight for all that is holy. I swear to god, I'm having a legitimate medical emergency and need you to open the door. I know we've had our differences and I've been cruel and sadistic and for that I'm eternally sorry. I apologize profusely from the bottom of my soul. Please Dwight, open the door. Dwight I swear on my father's grave, and his father before that. I swear on Pam's life that I'm not masturbating, and am in fact having a clinical stroke and require immediate medical assistance. Please Dwight for the love of christ open the door and help me." Dwight opens the door and is presented with the sight of Jim, naked except for a pair of white gym shoes, masturbating in the conference room.
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Feb 14, 2023 19:00
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Jim hands Dwight a heart-shaped cookie. "For all the lovely things I did to you this year. I'm sorry, Dwight, really. It was just a prank that went a little too far." Dwight thanks Jim and takes a bite of the cookie. It's delicious and he compliments Jim on the cookie again. In a talking head segment, Jim can barely contain his laughter as he explains that they weren't heart-shaped cookies, they were "rear end-shaped cookies". Jim mugs for the camera.
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Feb 14, 2023 19:03
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Dwight drives past the Halpert House and sees Jim, nude except for a diaper, standing on the front lawn. Dwight chuckles, wondering what kind of crazy Valentine's Day prank Jim is cooking up. No doubt one involving dressing as Cupid. Dwight decides to be on his guard as he takes Angela out for dinner tonight. He drives off, unaware of the scene unfolding between Jim and Pam. "Pam, please, just throw me a pair of pants. I can't stand out here in this diaper." "Oh, really? You know, I think it suits you pretty well, Jim. You need constant attention, you can't do a loving thing on your own, and you start crying the second you don't get your way. Yup, that sure sounds like you." "Jesus, Pam, seriously? Can you just throw me my Mars Needs Moms sweat pants? If you're not going to let me back in the house, at least let me have my dignity." Pam throws a pair of well-worn sweat pants out the window. They land in the bushes and Jim carefully removes them, then puts them on. "Pam, the neighbors are starting to look at us. Can I please come back inside?" The window slams shut and locks, followed by all the lights in the house shutting off. Jim stands on the porch, shirtless and shoeless, as a woman walking a dog comes by. The dog growls at Jim, prompting Jim to growl back at it. "Get that dog under control, you crazy old bag! This used to be a nice neighborhood, you know. Can't a man just walk around in his favorite sweat pants any more? Must EVERYTHING be woke?!?!?"
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Feb 14, 2023 19:31
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In retaliation for Dwight suggesting that Jim not wear “traditional” swastikas to work in celebration of Valentine’s Day, Jim snaps “Quit being so woke!” He spikes Dwight’s coffee with a Potion of Wakefullness (a lethal dose of powder comprised of pure, lab-grade cocaine mixed with caffeine (Jim typically starts his days with a snort to keep up with his hectic routine spreading dough for his pizza parlor at three in the morning before heading over to the dog pound to clock in)). Oscar asks, “Didn’t you want him to be less woke?”, causing Jim’s smile to falter slightly.
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Feb 14, 2023 19:47
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Jim spends three and a half hours in the makeup trailer getting disguised as a Klingon for his "Blood Feud" prank. When Jim shows up for work he discovers that Dwight is out all week for jury duty. "Kaplaaaaaah!" screeches Jim.
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Feb 14, 2023 21:51
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 Jim puts on a Dwight mask and reserves every romantic restaurant in Scranton for Valentine's Day.
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Feb 14, 2023 22:01
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Dwight takes Angela to the 51st most romantic restaurant in Scranton.
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Feb 14, 2023 22:10
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Jim replaces the antifreeze in Dwight’s car with blood.
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Feb 14, 2023 22:14
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There used to only be 23 restaurants in Scranton fancy enough to take reservations, but Jim created and single-handedly runs 27 romantic eateries. They all lose a tremendous amount of money, except on Valentine’s Day, when they make it all back in “Reservation Fees.”
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Feb 14, 2023 22:35
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Jim puts on a Dwight mask and passes bad checks all over Scranton so that Dwight is banned from dozens of businesses.
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Feb 14, 2023 22:45
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Jim convinces Kelly that Ryan is the best she can do.
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Feb 14, 2023 23:11
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Jim turns Dwight into a toaster for the day.
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Feb 15, 2023 04:51
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Jim puts on a Dwight mask and jerks off
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Feb 15, 2023 10:18
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Dwight shows up to work and sees a box of pizza on his desk. The box is from Famous Original Jim's (the worst pizza place in all of Scranton, maybe in all of Pennsylvania). Dwight's first impulse is to throw the box away unopened, but thinks twice when he considers Jim may have secreted something inside that might be harmful if found by a child or homeless person. Dwight opens the box and is confronted by Jim's smirking face rendered in pizza toppings. "I turned myself into a pizza, Dwight!" shrieks the pizza. The pizza toppings move around on top of the pizza in a manner nightmarishly reminiscent of stop motion animation. "I'm Pizza Jim!" Dwight can't stop screaming.
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Feb 15, 2023 13:32
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"Hey Dwight, just so you know, I'm going to throw a fireball at you today." Dwight frowns and returns to his spreadsheet, but begins mentally preparing for Jim's eventual attack. As lunch approaches, Dwight heads into the breakroom. Jim is already there, dressed like a hibachi chef and standing in front of a large grill. "Hey, Dwight! Can I interest you in lunch and a show? I just learned how to make the little onion volcano thingy!" Jim begins pouring out an entire bottle of something (Dwight notices it smells like kerosene) onto his grill, then fumbles in his pockets to produce a book of matches. Dwight says he's fine, he packed a beet sandwich for lunch today. As Dwight steps back into the office, he hears a muffled explosion from the breakroom. A few hours later, Jim is sitting at his desk and opens his drawer. He pulls out a piece of paper and carefully places it in on the palm of his hand. "Hey Dwight? Can you take a look at this for me? Preferably by shoving your face as close as possible to this flash paper." Dwight ignores this, pretending that he's on a conference call. Jim frowns and puts the paper back in his desk drawer. 5 o'clock finally hits and Dwight steps outside, eager to get home. He's dodged Jim's attempted fireballs all day and is happy to finally get to relax. But as he walks to his car, he notices that Jim is smiling. "You won't dodge this one, Dwight. Look, up in the sky!" Dwight looks up, but all he sees is the sun. As he looks back down, Jim has pointed two fingers towards the sun. He then quickly flicks his fingers towards Dwight. The sun begins growing larger very rapidly and Dwight realizes that it's actually getting closer. "You MIGHT wanna wear shades for this one, Dwight. I've heard of a sunburn, but this is nuts!" The sun quickly swells to fill the entire sky, the intense heat causing mass death and destruction around the world. Soon enough, the sun swallows the entire Earth. Jim, wearing a pair of sunglasses and completely unharmed, floats above the surface of the sun. He mugs for the universe.
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Feb 15, 2023 15:04
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Jim Halpert, Witch of Space
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Feb 15, 2023 15:17
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"Hey Dwight, just so you know, I'm going to throw a fireball at you today." Dwight frowns and returns to his spreadsheet, but begins mentally preparing for Jim's eventual attack. As lunch approaches, Dwight heads into the breakroom. Jim is already there, and hurls a tiny single-serving bottle of Fireball brand cinnamon whisky directly at Dwight's head. The incident becomes a popular viral meme, which means that Dwight becomes a named plaintiff in the class action suit against the distiller, the Sazerac Company, when it comes to light that the mini bottles are not the same beverage as that contained in the larger, premium normal-sized bottles. Dwight is mailed a check for $4,000, representing his cut of the settlement. As he walks to the bank to cash it, Dwight notices Jim passed out on a park bench, with dozens of empty mini-bottles scattered around him. The sun shines brightly (but not too brightly) on the beautiful day.
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Feb 15, 2023 16:09
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It's been 2069 years since the Psykers lost their connection to the Warp. Their collective will can no longer halt the Convergence, and the end is nigh. Hope has been lost across the galaxy. Jim Halpert the Space Witch's riegn of chaos has been left unabated for centuries. Only the holy Schrute bloodline could counter the tremendous power of the Space Witch, but the bloodline had been extinguished centuries ago. OR SO WE THOUGHT. Warhammer 42069: The Prankening of the Space Witch
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Feb 15, 2023 16:43
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Jim decides Dwight has had enough of his antics and decides to give up pranking, permanently. Within a month, Dwight has returned to his irritating, authoritarian self, dismantled all charities he has founded, and has begun to clip his toenails at his desk. Even his wife Angela becomes cold again in the wake of her boyfriend's change in personality. One day dwight demands that the fingerprints of all dunder mifflin employees be filed with the police and that cameras be placed in the bathrooms. Jim sighs, and kicks Dwight in the balls.
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Feb 15, 2023 18:41
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Jim dumps an entire carafe of corn syrup into Dwight's briefcase and swishes it around.
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Feb 15, 2023 19:17
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Jim is invited to the World Pranking Championships, where he quickly discovers he's been a big fish in a small pond back at Scranton. He's outpranked constantly, and that's even before the actual championships begin. As a sullen Jim sits in his hotel room, there's a knock at the door. He opens it up, expecting another kick in the balls or pie to the face. Instead he finds a smiling Dwight, holding a huge bouquet of roses and a silk sash that says "CHAMPIONSHIP PRANKSTER". Dwight hands the gifts to Jim and explains that everyone at Scranton is cheering for him and rooting for him to win. Dwight even managed to get a front row ticket for tomorrow, so he can cheer Jim on in person. "Dwight, I gotta confess, I was going to drop out. I don't think I can hang with these kind of pranksters. I'm way out of my league, Balloon Boy." Dwight slaps Jim in the face. While Jim is recovering, Dwight says that he's sorry to do that, but Jim needed a wakeup call. There's no prankster alive that can outprank Jim. He's had years of practice, after all, and Dwight knows first-hand how Dwight's pranks have evolved over time. He's sure Jim's bag of tricks will help him win this whole competition. "Thanks, Balloon Boy. No... thanks, Dwight. I needed that. I'm excited to see you cheer me on from the front row, buddy." The day of the competition comes and Dwight is, true to his word, in the front row cheering. Jim waves at him, happy to finally have rekindled his friendship with Dwight. He looks across the arena at his pranking opponent, Jerry "The Big Prank" Bigprankski. Jerry mugs at Jim, Jim mugs right back. Then the two men begin to run at each other. Dwight smiles, ready to see some sort of funny light-hearted pranking going on. "gently caress you, Jerry! Let me STICK it to ya, pal!" Jim pulls out a sharpened stick and shoves it directly in the man's gut. Bigprankski falls to the ground, coughing up blood, his trembling arms shaking as they reach for Jim's neck. It's no use, however, as Jim begins kicking him in the face over and over until he collapses and stops move. Dwight, in shock, barely hear the crowd start cheering for Jim as the announcer declares it a win "By fatal pranking". Dwight sits there, too scared to move, as pranksters from around the world brutally murder each other again and again, with Jim seeming to take special glee in finding new and horrific ways of butchering his opponents. The final match finally comes, as Jim faces off against someone known only as "Big Daddy Prank". "Hey Dwight! DWIGHT! Buddy, look at me! I made it to the finals, just like you said!" Jim is covered in gore and viscera, his shirt stained brown with all the drying blood. He waves at Dwight, his hands and arms similarly covered in dry blood. While he waves, Big Daddy Prank rushes at Jim, wielding a large scythe. Jim quickly dodges, then pulls out a tiny balloon. Jim shoves it in the man's nostril and then snaps his fingers. The balloon begins to inflate. The man screams in pain, falls down, and then his head explodes as the gore-coated balloon rises into the sky. "Jeez, looks like we've got a new Balloon Boy over here, huh, buddy??" The crowd cheers in appreciation as Dwight stares in horror, wondering how he'll escape this moment alive. As Jim is handed the trophy for winning, he mugs for the camera.
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Feb 15, 2023 21:47
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Jim steals all of Dwight's teeth and replaces them with candy.
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Feb 16, 2023 04:13
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Jim and Dwight file their taxes jointly.
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Feb 16, 2023 04:17
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Jim uses forbidden magic to conjure one-way portals inside the office toilets and urinals that all lead to Dwight’s pants.
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Feb 16, 2023 05:15
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Gatto Grigio posted:Jim uses forbidden magic to conjure one-way portals inside the office toilets and urinals that all lead to Dwight’s pants. There were plenty of perfectly legal spells to accomplish the same thing. Jim just used forbidden magic to add insult to injury.
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Feb 16, 2023 13:12
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Jim starts a new business, Smilin’ Halpert’s Portable Bathrooms, the smelliest porta-potty business in Scranton, possibly all of Pennsylvania. Despite the fact that his portable restrooms are by far the dirtiest, smelliest and ugliest in town (somehow, despite having been purchased new), Jim soon drives all his competitors out of business with his “lower than low” rock bottom pricing. What nobody realizes is that Jim had a horrible, horrible plan about what he’s going to do when he fills up his porta-potties. Unfortunately, he gets distracted halfway through this prank. Fortunately, though, he was illegally storing his inventory between gigs illegally in the empty supply closet that was recently used for Cafe Disco. The horrible smell wafting up through the office mostly counts as a prank.
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Feb 16, 2023 13:28
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Jim uses forbidden magic while filing his taxes, claiming Dwight's soul as "retirement income". Jim is then audited by the Hell-based branch of the IRS and is forced to turn over Dwight's soul. "Oh, I'm so sad! Oh no, not Dwight's soul!" Jim says, sarcastically, as Dwight's soul is violently ripped from his body and dragged into the fiery pits of Hell. Jim mugs for the camera. Don't worry, though. Dwight quickly impresses the rulers of Hell with his incredible work ethic and positive attitude. Within 3 months he has been promoted to Assistant to the Regional Demon and institutes a new policy to release any wrongfully imprisoned souls. This includes Dwight himself, so he is quickly returned to Earth. When Dwight shows up for work the next day everyone cheers, even Jim. They were unable to fill Dwight's position for this entire stretch, so Jim was forced to also take on all of his clients. Jim apologizes "for the little accounting issue". Dwight says that's no problem, then shakes Jim's hand. Jim is suddenly engulfed in Hellfire and disappears, having been sent to Hell himself for his many, many, many sins. In a talking head segment, Dwight wonders if that was out of character for him or not.
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Feb 16, 2023 14:07
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Jim uses forbidden magic to turn Dwight's fingers into celery. "Jim, I told you, no magic in the office," scolds Michael. "Consider this a verbal warning." Jim mugs at the camera while Dwight struggles to type with celery fingers.
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Feb 16, 2023 15:07
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"Hey Dwight, get ready for this!" Jim then stands up and begins twirling, sparkles spraying out in all directions. The office goes dark except for a single spotlight that remains on Jim as he begins to glow with a rainbow of cascading lights. "Ultra Prank Prism.... MAKE UP!" Jim stops twirling and extends his arms and legs. Long ribbons of cloth appear and cover his body, twisting around until they form into a new pair of clothes (that looks exactly like his normal clothes). Jim curls up into a ball and begins glowing gold, then unfurls his body as waves of energy rocket through the office. Rainbow energy then forms around his floppy hair, eventually settling in to place and causing Jim's hair to glow with a beautiful yet eerie light. Jim finally stands in a dramatic pose, pointing at Dwight. The lights come back on and rose petals begin to fall from the ceiling. "Okay, is this going to be a new thing or wha-" Oscar's question is cut off as Jim begins a series of choreographed hand motions. "Prank Power Level Up. Secret Hidden Technique of the 5 Pranking Brothers!" 7 minutes later, Jim has finally completed his elaborate transformation sequence. He stands before Dwight with glowing white hair, a suit of rainbow-colored armor, a giant flaming sword, and a shield with a chrome version of his mugging face on it. Chips now stands next to Jim, dressed in a crimson robe and holding a crystal ball with glowing purple energy crackling around it. A cherry blossom tree has somehow bloomed behind them, spreading fragrant and beautiful petals around the office. Jim then clanks over to the break room, gets a can of Coke from the machine, and then sits back down. He completely forgot what prank he was going to do in the first place. However, the length of this transformation sequence forces the documentary crew to cut additional footage in order to hit their 22 minute runtime. The viewers at home never get to learn about Michael's pet ferret or Meredith's visit to Harrisburg. Jim repeats this transformation every single week, forcing the editors to repeatedly remove these kind of fun side plots from the show. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Feb 16, 2023 17:10
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Jim farts on his hand and wafts the odor in Dwight’s face.
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Feb 16, 2023 17:43
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Jim uses forbidden magic to fart on his hand and waft it into Dwight's soul. Now Dwight must share his mortal coil with one of Jim's rank farts.
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Feb 16, 2023 17:50
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Applewhite posted:Jim uses forbidden magic to turn Dwight's fingers into celery.
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Feb 16, 2023 18:00
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Jim uses forbidden magic to give Dwight's a lizard's head. On his (Dwight's) penis.
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Feb 16, 2023 19:09
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Note that all forbidden magic Jim uses have perfectly legal counterparts.
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Feb 16, 2023 19:16
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Jim shows up to work with the simple clothes and untrimmed facial hair of an Amish man. He sits at his desk, then looks befuddled. "Excuse me, English, but what manner of contraption is this?" Dwight sighs and says he doesn't have time for this today, he's got a lot of work on his plate. Jim stands up and walks around the office, turning off all the lights and any other electronic devices. When Dwight confronts him, Jim pulls him aside. "No, Dwight, listen! I witnessed a murder last night and witness protection gave me this cover story. I'm an Amish farmer now, at least until they catch the guy! Just play along, okay?" For a moment, Dwight considers asking why Jim's cover story involves still working at Dunder Mifflin, but he soon thinks better of opening that can of worms. He just ignores Jim, who keeps shying away from electronics and calling everyone "English". At the end of the day, DWight happily heads to the parking lot, but finds a horse drawn buggy in place of his car. Jim smiles at him. "Oh, don't worry, I sold that tool of the devil for a fine, sturdy horse and a nice buggy. That'll get you wherever you need to go, assuming it's fairly close by and you don't need to be there in a hurry." Jim mugs for the camera.
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Feb 16, 2023 19:18
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Jim shows up to work wearing a nun's habit. Dwight sighs and refuses to engage. The truth is that Jim did witness a murder the night before, and this is his attempt to hide. The other piece of truth is that Jim was also the culprit.
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Feb 16, 2023 19:58
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| # ? May 30, 2024 18:00 |
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Jim uses forbidden sexual magic to give Dwight head. On his (Dwight's) penis.
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Feb 16, 2023 21:04
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