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mutantIke
Oct 24, 2022

Born in '04
Certified Zoomer
Jim puts Daniel's stapler in the jello

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poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight builds a wheelchair ramp over the weekend to help Jim get in and out of the building (due to Jim’s horribly mangled legs). Jim, however, simply assumes that the office isn’t accessible to him (this, despite the fact that he met Billy Messenger, the Scranton Business Park property owner who used a wheelchair since age 4, at least thirty times). As such, Jim refuses to come into work and sends a complaint to Toby, then spends the rest of his week playing the dance mini game in Kinect Star Wars.

Toby, who hasn’t actually done anything related to his job in HR ever since Elon told him that his entire job is to “keep Halpert happy,” just assumes the complaint is justified. The next day, Dwight comes into work and sees that his entire workday, for every workday through the end of the year, has been booked with mandatory sensitivity training, led by “Dr. Halpert.”

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight's finally had enough and puts in his two week notice, realizing that he gains nothing from working at Dunder Mifflin any more. Even financially; he makes more money from ad revenue on his new podcasts - Beetin' Around the Bush and Cylon the Morning to You.

"Oh, Dwight, that's a shame. We'll really miss you here, buddy. It wasn't my pranks that pushed you away, right?" Jim asks.

Dwight admits - it was. Years of squeaky shoes, jell-o, wild monkeys, Tiny Jims, and all manner of twisted and profane pranks have pushed him beyond his limits. He can't do it any more, it's just too much to handle.

"Wow. I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm sorry you were offended by my pranks, I guess, but I'm happy for whatever opportunity comes your way."

Dwight grumbles that's fine, then finishes out the day. He walks out, confident that he's finally made the right decision for his career.

Jim is left alone in the office with the camera crew. He sits there, silently grinning at his blank computer screen, until the boom mic operator steps closer.

"Oh, you guys are still here. You might want to go over some old footage here. January 17th, 2020. And October 11th, 2018. And October 4th, 2018. June 9th, 2017. December 25th, 2016. December 24th, 2016. I could go on, but I think you get the point. See ya tomorrow!"

Jim stands up and silently walks out the door. The camera crew is left oddly disturbed by this, but takes Jim's advice and begins looking through the master tapes of the documentary, eventually finding each of those dates. Each time, the scene is the same - Dwight gives his two week notice, Jim asks if his pranks are involved, and Dwight confesses that they are. Then, the following day, Dwight returns to work as if nothing's happened.

"Jesus. Why didn't we notice this before? What the hell is going on?"

When Jim returns to his home, he pulls out a piece of chalk and puts another hash mark on the cement block wall of the basement. There are many, many, many marks and the oldest of them are extremely faded with age. Jim lies on the floor, counting the marks, and falls asleep after about 5 hours of counting. He barely began to scratch the surface.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


There is no record of Jim pranking Dwight between July 6, 2019 and Mar 22, 2020. For nearly a year, nothing. Did Jim change, or did we?

Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

Because of his mangled legs, Jim loses his job and is forced to take a new position with FromSoft as a “hosed-up Little Man who shares cryptic nonsense with the player” in the next Souls game.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim drinks a magic potion to heal his legs.

"I'm completely back to full strength, balloon boy!" laughs Jim. "Nothing and nobody can stop me!"

To celebrate his newly-restored legs, Jim declares he's going to kick a football directly into Dwight's"stupid moon face."

Jim places a football on the floor and rushes at it, intent on kicking the ball at full force into Dwight's face. He misses the ball completely and his leg flies up. There's a sickening snap like a wet chicken bone as Jim's knee bends backwards and Jim kicks himself in the face.

Jim's other leg also snaps and Jim collapses on the floor, squealing in agony, his horribly mangled legs bent at unnatural angles.

Dwight rushes to help Jim but trips over the football and breaks his nose on the corner of the desk.

Jim mugs at the camera through his tears.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Jim sits at his desk and eats his "magic beans" and washes them down with a warm Old English malt liquor. Magic Beans are what he calls his percocets, prescribed to him to dull the pain that permanently radiates from his mangled legs. After 20 minutes Jim is feeling super loving awesome, and stands up and walks over to Dwight at the water cooler. With each step he compresses the already shattered bones and torn tendons, and Jim loses an inch per step. By the time he reaches Dwight he's walking on what looks like two patties of ground beef. Dwight looks down. Jim looks up. Jim headbutts Dwight in the crotch before passing out with blood coming from his ears. Dwight simply chuckles. They don't call him 'ol iron balls for nothing.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim repeats every single prank from the entire thread, in order, except that he is screaming incoherently and rolling around on the floor from the agony of his horribly mangled legs.

mutantIke
Oct 24, 2022

Born in '04
Certified Zoomer
Jim wishes he was a little bit taller. He does grow taller, but nobody can tell because his newly elongated legs are shattered into a million pieces.

luchadornado
Oct 7, 2004

A boombox is not a toy!

Jim buys Dwight the "Lost" box set on Blu-Ray because he overhears Dwight saying he'd never seen it at least 4 times. Jim carefully opens the packaging, removes the discs, and rips them to his computer. Over the course of 8 hours, he painstakingly edits new scenes, burns the edits onto new discs, and prints labels that match the original discs. He then gives Dwight the set in a tasteful $15 gift bag.

Dwight gets home and starts binging the series. He gets up to episode 16 when the edits start coming into play. Jim carefully spliced in "We have to go back" and then just repeats a condensed sequence of earlier episodes leading up to that moment again. Dwight keeps watching and eventually watches Matthew Fox say "We have to go back" a total of 23 times.

Finally the last episode plays, with Matthew laying on the ground as the camera zooms out - it cuts to a close up of Jim's rear end cheeks spread apart as he rips a 42-second fart.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Dwight and the rest of the office arrive at work to find that someone has broken in over the weekend and smashed all the office furniture to splinters and swept the debris into a pile of letters spelling "it was me dwite who smashed the furnachure and I have a smelly butt."

Dwight calls the police who immediately slap handcuffs on Dwight and arrest him. "Smelly butt Dwight" as he becomes known gets sentenced to four years of hard labor due to the overwhelming evidence that he committed the crime. Dwight proclaims his innocence, but the jury of mini-jims is unswayed.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Researchers announce a breakthrough in clean energy - for the first time they've been able to harness the power of mini Jim generation and produce a net positive output of 4.20 prankajoules, by using Dwight as a moderator to reflect just the right amount of mini Jims back at the mini Jim generating fuel source.

The year is 1986. The first mini Jim commercial reactor goes online in northern Ukraine.

During a routine test, the Dwight control rod gets stuck and the mini Jim fuel rods go supercritical, with each mini Jim producing several more mini Jims in a horrific and exponentially growing reaction. Within 3 microseconds enough mini Jim energy is output to equal the energy output of the sun, causing a cataclysmic explosion that blankets eastern Europe in radioactive mini Jim fallout.

Turpitude II
Nov 10, 2014
the bold, brave pioneer dwight schrute leads his company along the oregon trail in search of a new home with exciting new opportunities. his wagon comes across a river, chest-deep and rushing rapidly. "thunderation!" jim exclaims. "we can ford this river no problem, balloon boy. full steam ahead, my good bitch." he then mugs at dwight's beloved grandfather clock perched precariously at the back of the wagon.

meredith dies of dysentery.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

i no longer care for this "jim" chap

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim sits in his car after work in his own driveway. He takes a deep breath and enters his home.

Pam greets him with bucket of water that drops on his head from the top of the doorway as he enters. He could have avoided it, but he's come to just accept this humiliation rather than resist. The water hides his tears.

Jim realizes he chose poorly years ago.

"You can prank Dwight in public for all the world to see, or you can prank me in private where no one you will know. Which do you choose?"

Of course Jim chose to prank Dwight in public. gently caress her, he was Jim Halpert and he'll prank who he wants, when he wants. To prove this point, he came home after pranking Dwight several years ago and pranked her, just to prove it to her the extent of his power.

He remembered Pam sitting there, pie on her face, clapping slowly. He thought it odd that a few seconds later he found his shoelaces tied together as he left the room, causing him to trip. How had that happened? Standing back up and bending over to untie them, he felt a massive boot entering his rear end. Falling back to the floor, he turned to see a man in a football uniform leaving the room. He felt something rustling behind him and felt his back.

A 'kick me' sign had been placed there, somehow.

Pam stared at him coldly, the pie that had been on her face was now completely reformed and sitting on the table in front of her.

Jim took off his shoes and approached her, curious at how she'd...

drat IT! Jim felt something sharp jab into his foot. Trying to pull a tack out of his foot, he lost balance, and fell face-first into the pie.

"You made a promise to me James," Pam intoned quietly as Jim tried to find her through his obscured vision. Reaching out for help, he found his fingers snapped in a mouse trap. "I am owed recompense for your broken word. You may keep your pranking of Dwight in public, but from this day forward, in privacy of our home, you are mine to prank."

Jim did everything he could to get out of this. He tried setting their house on fire, but it'd just be restored in the blink of an eye. He tried killing Dwight, but Dwight just came back to life. He tried killing Pam, but she laughed at him. He even tried killing himself.

Pam laughed even harder.

The only way that Jim could continue to live and give himself any relief was constantly pranking Dwight as much as he could, hoping that the short jolt of pleasure would be enough to outweigh the similar humiliation he received at home.

Pam sat with the camera crew before her cauldron.

"I swear to God, this wasn't what I really wanted!" Pam is crying, pulling out her hair in clumps and stirring it into the boiling potion. "Jim was supposed to have figured out years ago that if he just stopped pranking Dwight, I'd stop pranking him. This was supposed to be a moral lesson to force him to become a better person. Now I'm stuck with it! He's not stopping, he's just getting more elaborate and going bigger and I have to keep upping the ante to balance it out. I can't even tell anymore if he knows that's what's happening and he's just doing this to torture me or if he's just that oblivious and he doesn't care."

BombiTheZombie
Mar 27, 2010
Jim kicks Dwight in the balls and howls in pain as his spaghetti-thin leg snaps on contact with Dwights massive gonads.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


He had originally come to Dunder-Mifflin for the purpose of "humanizing, improving, instructing", he told me. The intention was to bring the light to this company, it wasn't a "career" for him. He was not interested in our perceptions of him, or how he was perceived by "noxious fools" such as Michael Scott, the Manager. No, he was true and honest about his intentions. Not like those he railed against, Charles Miner or David Wallace, who in their sepulchers of hypocrisy cared not about his methods for selling paper; they were content so long as the pallets of paper moved. Each month, the numbers increased, their profits improved.

I found him, at last, in the blasted wasteland of East Palestine, Ohio, where he had taken refuge after the fall of Scranton. He was alone in a hovel, but sat as an emperor on a throne. His shriveled body was skeletally thin, and I could see his ribs flexing with each labored breathe. His horribly mangled legs were only visible for a moment when his blanket fell away, revealing his nude body (except for an incongruous pair of red tennis shoes). But, despite his many physical ailments, his mind was alert. His eyes kept flashing to the corner of the room, as though searching for something, but his face was expressive. Often times, during our discussion, he would suddenly say some old phrase or recite a line of scripture, but with such a sardonic tone that I knew he had once again trapped me in some slip of the tongue, or some illogical position, and that he was mocking me. He was not gentle, and his lessons were harsh, always with a cold hint of superiority hidden behind his sometimes apparently nonsensical gibberish.

Other times, however, he would lapse into a kind of revelry, and begin speaking of the old times. He would lose himself, staring blindly into space, and recount his tales of Dwight, and the pranks he used to play. I have recorded these stories, although I fear sometimes that doing so has driven me half mad.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight is pouring himself a glass of water in the breakroom when he accidentally overfills it slightly, pouring some water on the counter.

"Wow, that's a botch right there!" Jim yells out before looking around the office. No one is reacting.

A few hours later, Dwight is typing away when he accidentally misspells a word. He mutters "whoops" and then quickly fixes his error.

"Wow, that's a botch right there!" Jim yells out. Again, no one in the office reacts.

That night, Jim burns the 5 pallets of "THAT'S A BOTCH RIGHT THERE!" t-shirts he had printed for his aborted prank.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight heads out to grab something for lunch, only to find his car has been replaced by a cake replica of his car. The detail in the car is insane; in fact the only reason that Dwight even discovered it was a cake was because he got a small drop of icing on his shirt when he put on his seatbelt. That's right - Jim created a fully functional car made out of cake. As the cake-based engine whirrs, Dwight looks through the spun sugar windshield and is shocked at how much skill Jim has shown. He turns off the engine and shuts the cake-door, then heads back up. This is it, he thinks, this is what Jim should do with his life.

As he enters the office, Jim mugs at him.

"What's up, balloon boy? Did you find your car CAKED with bird poo poo or something?"

Dwight says this isn't something to joke around about, Jim has shown insane skill. He is, without a doubt, the best cake baker and decorator in history. Jim beams with pride, blushing from the shock of the compliment.

"Oh jeez, Dwight, don't go making me blush over here. At least, not until you see my REAL masterpiece. Go on, take a look in Michael's office."

Dwight's heart skips a beat as he looks in the window to Michael's office. Michael slowly turns and stares at Dwight and Dwight realizes with horror that he, too, is made out of cake. Something is off, just subtly, and reveals that Michael's face is merely a construct of icing.

"What do you think, Dwight? I've heard of cake by the ocean, but cake in the office? Hahahahah!"

Dwight slowly realizes that EVERYTHING in the office is made of cake, every square inch of it.

"What do you think, Dwight? Do you think I'm made of cake? Go on, guess!"

Jim mugs for the camera and Dwight screams in terror.

Tree Goat
May 24, 2009

argania spinosa
There was no movement they could see as they passed over the city. There never was (the copilot was already marking off the city on the map with a grease pencil “X”), but this was to be one of the last trips, and the biggest city for a 150 miles, and so she convinced (more pleaded with) the pilot to set the chopper down in a stretch of road by the beach. Good sight-lines in case they needed to take off in a hurry. The pilot kept the rotors spinning. Each of these trips was a risk, but there was no reason to compound the dangers because of foolish sentimentality and misplaced hope.

The first few such trips up and down the coast to look for survivors they had recited an entire monologue over the megaphone about radio frequencies and evacuation centers but now it was just a series of increasing desperate “hellos.”

There was no sound, no movement for maybe thirty seconds as she stood in front of the helicopter holding the megaphone, feeling like an idiot. Then there was a single groan, then another, and finally an omnipresent moaning that she could feel in her bones, and the pilot could hear over the sound of the engine as an eerie rumbling.

The first one she saw must have been someone pranked in one of the first few waves, back when the authorities thought it was an illness to be studied or treated. He was wearing a hospital gown but his tighty whitey underwear had been pulled over his head. Then another emerged from under a car, his legs smashed but the rest of him still mindlessly crawling towards the noise, a huge “kick me” sign on his back. A newspaper (maybe one of the last) with the headline “Prankings Continue” blew across his face but he made no effort to remove it.

Then they poured out of the buildings in groups, in their dozens, then their hundreds, each bearing the marks of their final pranking. A woman in a sari with a thumbtack sticking out of her butt from where she had inadvertently sat down on the wrong chair. A teenager still dressed for marching band, leaving behind a trail of sparkling debris from a glitter bomb. The streets were full of them now. Just like every other place they had visited, the city belonged to the pranked.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim casts Astaroth's Substitutiary Locomotion ("Treguna Mcoytes Tregorum Satis Di") to bring all of Dwight's clothes to life.

Dwight's wardrobe leaps out of the closet and marches to downtown Scranton where a Nazi rally is taking place. Dwight's heroic clothes drive the gang of Neo Nazis into the sea. Neither the Nazis nor Dwight's clothes are ever seen again.

With no clothes available, Dwight is forced to come to work in a toga made of sheets.

Jim smirks for the camera.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim calls Dwight the "Anna Karenina of this office."

Dwight knows Jim hasn't read Anna Karenina so Dwight has no idea what Jim could mean by this.

Jim passes out drunk on vodka at 10:30am.

Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

In the dark gothic-punk night of Scranton, the vampire Dwight rises from his coffin when he steps on a bunch of ten-sided dice.

“Wow, that’s a botch right there!” yells Malkavian Jim as he throws another handful of d10s on the floor.

“Goddamn it, Jim, stop throwing d10s! They’re not even Platonic solids!!!”

“How about I squeeze a Platonic solid all over your face?”, retorts Jim. He throws another pool of d10s at Dwight.

“Wow, that’s a botch right there!”

The Butcher
Apr 20, 2005

Well, at least we tried.
Nap Ghost
Jim arrives at the office with 10 corgis. Most staff are pleased, but Dwight protests the excessive amount of small dog butt wiggling being very distracting to the employees and bad for sales numbers.

Upon bringing his concerns to Toby, Toby explains that Jim already submitted the paperwork to have "as many service animals as needed."

Demanding to know why Jim needs so many corgis, as a corgi tugs at his pants, Toby signs and explains that for privacy and legal reasons, he cannot speak of another employee's disabilities.

Dwight scoffs and returns to work, doing his best to ignore the playful creatures.

The next day, Jim arrives with now 20 corgis, and is dressed as Queen Elizabeth. It's a pretty good costume actually. He just does the queen hand wave thing when Dwight attempts to speak to him.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Jim arrives at the office with ten support chimpanzees, ten support fighting pit bulls, and a dozen screeching support macaws. Within seconds the office turns into a poo poo show. Literally. The chimpanzees start throwing their poo poo, while the pits start ripping apart everything in sight. The chimpanzees start fighting back. One grabs Meredith's hair and pulls out huge fistfuls. Another chimp lands on top of Oscar and starts beating his face and trying to pull his ears off. The macaws are shrieking and flapping.

Dwight tries to file a complaint with Toby but legally there's nothing they can do. All the paperwork has been filed correctly and is airtight.

luchadornado
Oct 7, 2004

A boombox is not a toy!

Jim builds a new guitar for Dwight after he says he wants to start playing. He sells his car to buy a 1962 Telecaster, and rips out the hardware and electronics. He puts in 250k pots for a pair of humbuckers that he routed the cavities for himself, and puts in a floating trem with cheap tuners. Dwight uses it to play "Row, Row, Row your Boat" at a recital that no one shows up for.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.
Nobody shows up to Jim's birthday except Dwight.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

FunkyAl posted:

Nobody shows up to Jim's birthday except Dwight.

Jim connects a high voltage power line to the donkey's rear end so that when Dwight wins Pin the Tail on the Donkey he gets electrocuted.

The Butcher
Apr 20, 2005

Well, at least we tried.
Nap Ghost

Applewhite posted:

Jim connects a high voltage power line to the donkey's rear end so that when Dwight wins Pin the Tail on the Donkey he gets electrocuted.

As Jim finishes screaming and convulsing, he struggles to his feet, and begins giggling.

"Don't you see Dwight? You want to win the game, you know victory is important... And delicious. But that victory comes at the cost of hurting another. Harming others hurts you. You feel it's wrong. But part of you does want to hurt me."

Jim readjusts the alligator clamps on his nipples, and hands Dwight a new pin. "It's time to make a choice."

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

While Dwight and Angela are having a romantic dinner together, Jim sneaks into the restaurant’s kitchen to “soup up” their meal.

When the waiter brings two bowls of soup to the table, Dwight says that neither of them ordered soup, they got the salad option. The soup is sent back into the kitchen.

Jim mugs for the camera.

“Oh man, what an awkward moment for that weirdo Dwight! He’s no good in social situation, and that sure was a tough one!” Jim cackles.

“Wait, you don’t work here,” responds the waiter. She quickly calls for security.

“No, I’m Jim. You know, from that documentary everybody loves? I’m the guy who kicked Roy’s rear end?”

As security drags Jim outside, Angela and Dwight enjoy their delicious salads.

luchadornado
Oct 7, 2004

A boombox is not a toy!

Jim replaces the whistle on Dwight's tea kettle with a heat-sensitive one that goes off at 100F. For months, Dwight wonders why his tea and coffee are always luke warm, but is appreciative at how much easier it is to prep water for his neti pot. One day, Dwight goes to the hospital with excruciating pain. The doctors reveal that he has a parasitic amoeba in his brain from using non-boiled water in his neti pot. There is no cure and he dies a painful death.

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Jim convinces Angela that Andy is the best she can do.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Jim cross pollinates an Eastern White pine tree with Bacardi Arctic Grape rum. Later that Spring, when the weather warms up, all the pine trees on Dwight's property start howling sea shanties and give Dwight a horrible hangover.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.
The pressures of Jim's pranks on Dwight's body compress him, ever slowly, into the form of a shining diamond. Far from being put off from the prank, Dwight's new crystalline form offers him new dimensions and insights into life's mysteries. He thanks Jim, and says goodbye to the rest of the office, saying that he is going off to explore the mysteries of space in his new form, like his heroes captain Picard, Scott Bacula, and the cylons.

Moments after dwight flies off to space, Jim turns and points and laughs at Angela. "Ha ha ha, I pranked you good, you crabapple. Now thanks to me, your husband is living his science fiction dreams, and he doesn't even need you or your ridiculous amount of cats! This will teach you for being rude to my wife Pam and the rest of the party planning committee!"

Pam is overtaken by this passionate act and the two make love on the spot. Angela crosses her arms and purses her lips.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


While Dwight and Angela are having a romantic dinner together, Jim sneaks into the restaurant’s kitchen to “soup up” their meal.

Jim’s arms move at a frenetic pace, chopping and mixing ingredients for multiple dishes at once, so that his first, second, and third courses are ready at exactly the right times. The amuse bouchées are tiny puff pastries with fillings of delightful surprise: some are blueberry tarts, while others are savory duck and Brie. These are quickly followed by appetizers of rustic charcuterie, which are accompanied by a fresh loaf of dark bread and paired perfectly with the chef’s chosen wine. Salads are next (arugula and pear) and soups are a surprise: chilled vichyssoise. Dinner is a pair of perfectly seared “up the” steaks in a bed of Couscous with a glazed elderberry sauce. Dwight and Angela are too stuffed for dessert, but send their compliments to the chef.

Jim, weary after cooking this massive feast, steps out the back door of the kitchen and removes his chef’s hat. On top of him, holding his hair, is a kind Tiny Jim, who has been Rattitouing Jim the entire night. Jim walks three miles in the night to Famous Original Jim’s to mix up tomorrows batch of tomato paste in a tub (water and expired catsup).

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

the prank in this case is that neither jim nor the tiny jim washed their hands after going to the toilet

Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


Jim grabs the 100F teapot whistle for pranking Dwight, so Dwight only heats up lukewarm water in his neti pot, thereby indirectly killing him with an amoeba.

Instead, because of the generalized mess in Jim's prankatorium, Jim grabs the 100C teapot whistle by accident, resulting only in Dwight's teapot having a new whistle.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Jim replaces the whistle on Dwight's tea kettle with a heat-sensitive one that goes off at 100K. For months, Dwight wonders why his tea and coffee cause immediate permanent frostbite, and absorb all the ambient heat from a 3 mile radius like that scene from The Day After Tomorrow

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

Jim replaces the whistle on Dwight's tea kettle with a motion-sensitive one that goes off at 100°. For months, Dwight wonders why his tea and coffee immediately spill after pouring, as the mug assumes a position slightly greater than a right angle relative to Dwight's frame of reference, dumping the contents all over the kitchen counter.

Due to coming into contact with scalding hot water (the kettle being otherwise unmodified), Meredith has to be taken to the hospital.

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A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim shows up to work wearing a black jumpsuit covered in long, neon-colored spines. He sits down, and Dwight (prepared for a prank setup) asks what's up with the outfit. Jim grumbles something.

"Oh, you don't want to talk about it, Jim?" Pam asks from her desk, a wine cooler in each hand. "Because this is pretty great, Dwight. It's pure Jim, classic Jim. You see, Jim just bought a half dozen cougars from a shady animal breeder. And you can probably already guess exactly why - he was going to do a whole play on the term 'cougar', you know, to really get his finger on the pulse of ten years ago."

Jim grumbles again, Dwight thinks he says something like "people love Cougartown, it's classic" but isn't sure.

"And then, oh who could have seen this, the cougars got loose. So now, Jim needs to wear this anti-cougar suit that's normally designed for small dogs. And, let's face it, it looks loving stupid on those dogs, too. Isn't that right, Jim?"

"Yeah, Pam, yeah. There are 6 cougars loose in my house and the yard and they keep attacking me."

"And why is that, Jim? Why aren't they attacking me or the kids?"

"Because," Jim can't make eye contact with Dwight, he just stares at his shoes. "Because I was also going to spray Dwight with cougar pheromones, but I spilled the bottle and coated myself and all my clothes and my racecar bed with cougar pheromones."

"Well," Pam says after a long chug of wine cooler, "there we have it. A day in the life of Jim Halpert, everyone!"

Pam mugs for the camera, sadly.

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